each day an adventure in alaska

forced wellness...

2012-02-15T23:18:00.000-08:00

time has come to head back to work and give wellness a try. i know i'll be sleepy and i'm still coughing but i have dog food to buy, a morgage to pay and more dog food to buy. i can't let that face go hungry. they will miss me terribly. it seems like ages since i've been at work. so strange. they called tonight, but i think my usual 4 day stretch will already be pushing my body. i'm better though. the bronchitis is just that and you get used to living with some things. i think most people do at some point. well either you get used to a certain amount of aches and health issues as you age or you let them roll you over. when my body needs extra support, i try to give in to the body's demands. my lungs were at thier healthiest after i'd lived in south dakota for 6 months. i remember i was at work and a secretary made the comment that i had finally stopped coughing. when i lived in los angeles i never stopped coughing. in south dakota i totally stopped and in alaska it's now a once or twice a year thing. so i have times where i don't really cough at all. i know it sounds nuts coming from one living in alaska, but it's too cold in south dakota so i'll stay here. winters are much longer here i know, but the wind in south dakota goes right through to your bones and you really can't enjoy winter like you can here. not sure how a place further north would compare, like fairbanks, but anchorage is very livable.
rio above obviously. she joined us for a nice walk of rovers run to moose meadow. i was actually awake at a decent hour, but then got sleepy after my morning cough routine and the grey skies probably didn't help. i started reading and then fell asleep again. the girls and i didn't get on the trail til after 2pm. it was another "warm" day out there. warm is relative i know. i was able to finally get my shovel out of the driveway. it was frozen in due to roof melt in these warm temperatures. i tried the kettle and hot water, but today i found just pulling really hard did the trick. a glove is salvaged. no wild animal sightings besides birds today. i again removed snow from the bird feeders and refilled them. not sure what other people do in the winter. put feeders under eaves so they don't fill with snow perhaps? anyway, the birds must have been watching as they made a run at that feeder pretty fast. i'm sure my resident squirrel will be thrilled as well. supposed to get more snow over the next few days.i think blossom enjoyed her day of frisbee chasing. no interruptions from large alaskan malemutes. not that she doesn't enjoy other dogs, but she is part retriever and she needs her fetch times.a woman took her life in dec. she stopped eating because she decided life as a quad was no longer bearable or tolerable. they had a link to her blog where she had written about her life as a quad and about quality vs quantity of life issues. i can totally understand why she did what she did. always sad though. life can change in an instant. for her it was a swimming accident. she was in her mid twenties when it happened. i think it would become intolerable to live completely dependant on others. she talked about the day to day embarrassments and the total lack of any privacy in life as a quad. i believe her writings will come out in book form at some point. sounds like that was her intention. education. my heart goes out to her and her loved ones. medicine now puts people in situations where these decisions become necessary and are made even more difficult by others who would judge her and disallow her the right to die with dignity. my career does put me in the position to see these life altering events up close and personal. often being at the bedside i can see the future where families can't or won't. when your loved one is in a hospital you are usually just hoping they survive and it's hard to look past that gut emotional response and make decisions. who wants to cut off the life of a loved one, we put people in impossible positions and expect rational decisions. it's insane and cruel.blossom looks all chill here. she was rolling in the snow. such a happy dog. isn't she adorable!?! watched a net flix rental last night, "it's kinda a funny story". a teen is totally stressed with life, overwhelmed and feeling suicidal. his parents don't seem to be taking him seriously. he gets himself admitted to a psych ward, the teen unit is closed and he's put in with more serious, long term adult patients. it is kinda a funny story. not the best movie, but interesting. at some point you have to just look a your parents and thank them for raising you, but you will now be living life the way you choose. i think most people overestimate their parents negative response to this. i'm sure in some ways my parents were disappointed in my choices, but i think also they eventually respected me for living my life my way. well, this should be it for a few days. hopefully, i muddle through my stretch of work and continue to improve. time for the nearly healthy to get living again. also time for the still very sleepy to get to bed.

Happy Valentines Day...(to those who celebrate and thrive on it)

2012-02-14T23:50:00.000-08:00

as i am currently extremely single it's not on my list of celebratory holidays. always a date of stress it seems for those who are involved. i had thought of doing a girls night for those who had no partners, but some years i really just don't bother with it. probably the coughing and being sleepy aided my whatever attitude over the holiday. i was pleasantly surprised by a knock on my door after 9pm tonight. a guy was out there in a very fancy suit/tux. thought perhaps i was getting a stripogram, but he came bearing flowers. i was talking to my friend, gnat, in california at the time. not easy accepting flowers, talking on phone and keeping 2 dogs at bay while talking to well dressed stranger at the door. very sweet of my friend tanya and family to think of me and send some flowers off! it's a rare thing when a single gal gets flowers. :-)
above is the big mountain of denali (or mckinley to those in the lower 48). looks like the mountain is floating.met amy and her pups up at prospect heights. in retrospect we should have gone for the snowshoes. the snow at my house was about 4 inches of very wet, heavy stuff. up there it was pretty nice snow. oh well. we survived. had some lovely views of anchorage. the clouds started rolling in when we were nearly done, so we had blue skies!laika rosemore of my fair city. mailboxes on the way to the trailhead. always love these long rows of post boxes. no valentines in my box today, but i believe my brother jeff sent one so something to look forward to. he's very good at keeping up on the holidays and all. i feel bad as i've really slacked off. don't know how he finds the time with two small kids at home. jeff, you rock!! not that any of my siblings visit my blog. he still rocks!another shot of anchorage with mt susitna in the background. woke much earlier and more alert today. great to slowly see improvements. still a bit short of breath on the walk and slow but each day better. not looking forward to work in a few days. it's coming up fast. yikes. mostly, i think i'll just be super tired. i came home from the walk and took a nice hour long nap. maybe more, not sure. i have an electric throw blanket and that thing knocks me out.the dogs enjoy the views. the benches are a bit buried and as you can see if you step off the thin packed down trail you will find yourself postholing up to your thighs. amy and i each did this at least once. this is where the snowshoes may have been helpful.the dogs didn't seem to have any issues. laika again takes in the view. ekko poses, which he's not generally fond of doing. loved amy's sunglasses out there today. so hollywood!!chilled at home this evening. i keep saying i'll try and do some laps and then i get settled in and it's hard to get motivated. maybe tomorrow....for sure tomorrow!!couldn't decide which picture i liked better and it's getting late so easier to just put in both than decide.rio stayed home today. the deep snow out there would have been tough for her to work with. she does sink into the deep stuff. blossom was mildly disappointed that the toy didn't get utilized. she gets pretty obsessed. did bring it out, but ekko immediately took control and wasn't about to give it up. we finally just put the toy away. poor blossom. those malemutes just have different ideas as to what toys are for. they are more into keep away and destroy than fetch. hard to explain that to a dog though. she just looks baffled at thier lack of understanding at the game.ekko plays keep away with laika close by.suppose i should have some comment on valentines day, but i really don't have much to say. lots of postings on facebook. it's now the new requirement for valentines. not only must you gift appropriately you must say something publicly about your love on facebook. the trend is kinda silly. does everyone really need to know how fabulous your spouse is? just gets boring celebrating everyones undying love for each other. love is great, but does it have to be a community event. just another day here at the Zoo. dogs don't care for valentines day. they don't expect and i have no added expectations from them due to the day. they give every day. the cats were thrilled today because i had grabbed an extra straw at subway. i ate a foot long...something i have never done. what a huge pig i was today! the cats played with the straw for an hour or more. why do i spend money on pet toys...? beyond the straw and a rawhide for the dogs, that was the valentines excitement...until the flowers came. i do love the unexpected!! ekko again poses for a rare shot!a little sundog action out there today!all over town the streets get plowed over and over again. i love that you can see the layers like sedimentary rocks in the snow. that was the reason for the next picture taken out my car window as i drove home from the walk today.and the lovely flowers!!! will definitely add some life to the house. thanks again tanya and family!! so sweet of you to think of me!!this last picture shows that even the neighborhood children are now able to walk along the 6 foot fence line. just so funny to look outside to see what blossom is barking at and see a toddler standing on the snow in thier yard looking right at us. blossom is obviously a bit perplexed as well. guess i should hit my inhalers and turn in for the night. hope you are all loved and have love in your hearts, whether for family, spouse, friends or pets. love is a good thing and is meant to be shared. i always say, in a world with so much hatred any form of love should be celebrated!

snow is falling, bed is calling...

2012-02-13T22:27:00.000-08:00

tried to be a bit artsy with the snowflakes tonight. we had a light snow starting up on the monday walk today. of course, only lena and i showed up. i was happy lena showed up though. this was the longest walk since i got sick. i would have shortened it had lena not come. i was tired and short of breath at times, but i'm happy we did the big loop. the snow always looks so amazing coming down. so peaceful! i noticed this morning though that my shovel is frozen onto my driveway. i can't get it detached. may have to buy a new one to shovel. guess i could pour some hot water on this one to try and release it. the drippings from the melt on the roof have encased it. looks like i'll need it tomorrow. this snow is super heavy though. very wet. not good for snowshoeing.blossom spent some time on the deck enjoying the cool air and snow. it's still super warm though, 30's and 40's F. i was a bit overheated on the walk today. i came home and promptly took a nap. tanya skipped walk as her dogs ran off this morning as she tried to get them loaded for the walk. amy also missed it as her dogs got into her perscription meds last night and got charcoalized at the local emergency vet. those malamutes are a different breed of dog. very pretty, but i think i'll stick to less head strong breeds. amy takes it in stride, tanya is stressed. i was going through the dog book today, looking at breeds i may be interested in down the road. only have so many dogs left in my life. the ones i got right now are perfect for me though. the mastiff as a surprise. i never knew much about them before i got this girl.
some breeds i like are spinone italiano, otter hounds, borzoi, pyrenes, coonhounds, collies, bernese, neopolitan mastiff, st bernards, newfies, great danes, swiss mountain dogs...mostly big dogs. those norfolk terriers are cute too! lots of cool dogs out there. will just have to see if there are any cool rescues out there when that day comes. hopefully, it's many years off though. lots of snow across the globe. kosovo had a big avalanche. just saw on the news that they rescued a 5 year old alive after being buried for 10 hours. sadly, her family all perished. she was under 33 feet of snow. pretty amazing to find her alive though. the snow we are getting seems like it would be prone to avalanche as well. enjoyed an article in the local paper the other day. an island on the aleutians has been called rat island for years, since 1937 actually. apparently as long back as 1780 a japanese ship went aground out there and the rats on board took over the island. it totally descimated the local bird population. in 2008 the fish and wildlife service decided to take out the rats. poison pellets were dropped on the island and it is now rat free. the birds are actually starting to return. alaska is pretty much rat free. much is done to try and keep it that way. rats come in via boats mostly. we also don't have a cockroach issue or fleas or heartworm for that matter. the old name for the island given to it by the aleut population at the time was Hawadax. just means "over there" i guess. not sure that is a worthy name, but i guess it is time to rid the poor island of it's rat stigma!a european musher came over to run the iditarod, one of his dogs went missing, but has been found. that must have been a long and stressful flight for those dogs. i've never flown a dog anywhere and i'm thinking i'd prefer not to. manny had fun engaging blossom in wrestling. of course, blossom was only really interested in catching her frisbee. lena and i were laughing as blossom was like a football player escaping her opponent to get free and catch the toy. manny didn't notice that the toy was more important in the game than wrestling with him was. she's very focused and she was able to get clear for the pass over and over again. she looks ferocious here. rio joined us. i think she wasn't happy that the walk was much longer than expected. i did medicate her this morning. when they took her belly xrays in december it showed alot of arthritis in her back. she did great though. manny has a way of getting twisted up in her leash. poor rio. she is happiliy snoring by me here in the office. i'm listening to Heart. strange to just two of us out there today, but i'm so happy lena showed up. not looking forward to returning to work and it's still a few days off. i'm still sleepy and coughing, my nose is still running like crazy. i'll cough for weeks i know that, but i do wish i felt more energetic. debating getting back in the pool. maybe tomorrow i'll try doing a few laps.

hanging at the dog park always makes me smile!

2012-02-13T00:16:00.001-08:00

anchorage is quite lucky as we have 6 dog parks in the city. that is a city of less than 300,000 people. i know much larger communities with no dog parks at all. university lake is a favorite. the one i walked yesterday is also an official off leash park. i've gone to u-lake since moving here in 2001. subsequently, i know alot of the old regulars that go there and indeed i guess that makes me an old regular. i caught the right time today and ran into several of my favorites. i remember a friend happened upon me one day out there and was shocked by how many people i knew. dog people are generally cool. rio loves it as she gets loads of attention and lots of treats. feeling less melancholy today. still sleepy and coughing alot but overall better each day. took a little nap this afternoon after i got back from the walk.
above is a moose chilling at the dog park. she was off trail enough for me to pass her twice. when i cruised past a second time a black lab was racing towards her. her owners were aware but made no attempts to stop the dog. i heard them saying something like, there he goes again. the dog got within 10 feet of the moose and barked. that poor moose was trying to move, but that deep snow is a bitch for those big beasts to cope with. when i got to the owners i asked if it was thier dog barking at the moose. they said "yes", i mentioned they might want to call the dog off the moose and thier response was, "it wouldn't do any good anyway". at which i stated, then you should have put the dog on a leash before getting anywhere near the moose. i hate to be the old crank at the park, but people are such idiots. it's not okay for your dog to harrass the moose. it's a finable offense, though there isn't anyone around to fine people most of the time. the worst part of it though is that an agitated moose is a danger to all who come after. hate that people these days feel so entitled and above all laws. so other than this irritation the dog park was relaxing and good for me mentally. i was amongst my peers. nice people who like dogs.the sun was in hiding much of the day but patches of blue sky did appear from time to time. tonight i settled in and watched the westminster kennel clubs dog show. the labs and goldens have never won and always seem to be overlooked which is a bummer. the mastiffs and big dogs in general are also overlooked. the final winner was a scottish deerhound so i was happy that at least a large dog won finally! it's about time. i was surprised that a cocker hasn't won since 1940. they have added a cane corso, a type of mastiff. no fila yet. perhaps one day. the portuguese water dog won in the working dog category. they don't do anything for me. i love the spinone's. it's just fun seeing all the different dogs. i briefly thought about watching the grammies, but i get sick of all the hollywood crowd and thier need for all these awards ceremonies. ego stroking in music and acting is out of control. dogs, kids and musicians all do "acting" now so it is an easily trainable job. not that i don't think there are actually some good actors out there, just that it seems more of a popularity thing than an award for actual talent. as for music, there are some great musicians out there as well, but there is also many who are not really talented. a studio can make nearly anyone come off well on a cd or in a video. so much of that is getting lost as well and real talent isn't always a requirement for stardom. the dogs are just cuter!

my life as an unintentional hermit...

2012-02-11T23:10:00.000-08:00

so weird to go entire days with not one call, or text. also strange to go days with no human touch. i know there are others out there that live like this, seperated from the rest of the humans. it wasn't my plan to be a hermit, some days it just feels that way. thank god for my dogs and cats. i often wonder how lonely life would be for people who live alone and have no pets. i'd go mad with loneliness i think. does help having the internet, and sites like facebook. in truth often it's just more ways to demonstrate how alone you really are in this world.
did get moving a bit faster today, despite taking the cough meds in the wee hours. i already took a partial dose this evening, just to take the edge off the cough. got out with the dogs. it was a bit of a dark day, but i followed the sun a bit. after our walk i drove down to turnigan arm to have a look see and take some pictures. good for my sanity. take my mind off the fact that my phone hadn't rung for a few days. it was windy as hell out there, but i like the trains and the icebergs. funny that i was thinking that i should have switched to black and white out there, but then looking at the pictures many of them look like they were shot in black and white. i don't believe i have true depression, but i do believe we all can lapse into short term episodes of depression. guess we just refer to it as a funk. it's like you get sucked in. usually when i get sucked into what i call my melancholy, it lasts a few days to a week. not surprising that i am feeling melancholy after being sick for over a week and feeling disconnected from the people around me. i have friends, but i don't have that best friend in my life. i'm a person who likes having that one person to chat with almost daily and who really likes you for who you are and vice versa. a person who gets you. i have those people in my life, but most of them live further away so we have less contact than we did at another point in life. you get that "it's a wonderful life" feeling some days...if i were gone would i be missed, have i made any difference or impact on those around me? i suppose before my mom passed that near daily phone call was her. she would have been calling each day to see how i was doing or i'd be calling her to check in. miss my mom on weeks like this i guess. that person who loves you for you and truely cares how you are. like i said, the dogs and cats have really helped these past days. they are a constant in my life. they are also in need of my care and attention. it's good to be needed. someone at work had said they could come pick them up for a walk, but i said no. as long as i can walk them, no matter how slowly, i think it's good for me to do so. mentally and physically. the dogs always make me smile and nature is my religion. it's healing for me. the camera just helps me capture all the amazing sights i see each time i'm out there. so lots of pictures again today.despite the fact that if you looked outside you would say it wasn't really a pretty day out. no matter, there is always beauty to be found if you just get out there and seek it out. God never disappoints.i just followed the little patch of sun all day.
it was low tide in the arm. those aren't boulders they are ice bergs. i love the different currents out there. it's pretty amazing how fast it all changes.just watched "marley and me". such a great book/movie. always a reminder of how much i cherish these beasts that share my world with me. they are both my friends and my family. i have lots of family, but they live far away and have thier own lives which keep them too busy to involve themselves much with each others lives. i used to think it was just me, but they really don't interact much with each other either. since i'm usually the one who initiates the interactions i probably keep in the loop more than many of my siblings. it's too bad, i know my mom always hoped we'd be a big support for each other. it is a bummer to have 6 siblings and still feel like i have minimal family. the fact is, if you don't work at things, make them a priority, they drift away...like these bergs do with the tides. eventually they just melt and are lost forever. too windy to stay out on the arm for too long and i didn't drive too far as the clouds and wind were worsening. it was good for my soul though to get out on the road for a few minutes. i don't venture too far on my own in the car in the winters. you can get into trouble fast. that element can get blown around pretty good out there. quite a few people on the trails today. that was my human interaction for the days. i can chat with anyone. feeling a bit better so more able to chat a bit. we did the gasline to powerline to tank trail loop. the parking lot was near full when i arrived so lots of people out. temperatures are in the 30's though. people come outside to enjoy that across the city. i was actually sweating heading up those little hills out there. a bit short of breath at times, coughed a bit extra with the effort, but again...worth it.last night i watched, "the other boleyn sister". it's a period movie. i like historical movies, though they tend to take liberties with the facts. i think the time period was 1600's ish. i did look up the family and history on wikipedia today. womens lives were just so different. the whole king thing too. they just got what they wanted and if they didn't, well, they had no problem getting people killed. it was interesting though despite some historical inaccuracies. daughters were used as bartering tools to increase family power through marriage, or in this case through affairs. the one sister refuses to just be a mistress and have any child from the encounters be bastards and not recognized as her sisters child had been. actually her sister, mary, from what history states actually bore two children to king henry vIII i believe. he broke with the catholic church in order to disolve his first marriage and marry anne. his first wife had briefly been wed to his brother before his brother died. it's all rather complicated. the sisters father and uncle were instrumental in putting the daughters in the kings sights so that they could become his mistresses and increase the families wealth and standing. the sisters mother had spent enough time among the wealthy to know it was probably better to just keep away from the king and all the drama near the throne. i tend to agree with her thinking, even in my day to day work. i just prefer it if those in the ivory towers at work even have no clue who i am. since two of her 3 children ended up being beheaded, she had a point. money and power will always be sought after, but it frequently comes with other problems and complicates life and even endangers it. a singer passed away today at age 48. probably substance abuse related. with money and power and fame comes challenges that people can't always control. if you don't give a king an hier, you are screwed. in the end, it was his daughter that took over the ruling of england after him, not a son. he eventually had 6-7 wives. not sure if any of them gave him a son though a few mistresses did.couldn't stand history when i was young. seemed so tedious with all the dates and names they wanted you to memorize and i wasn't good at memorizing anything.when i don't have to take a test or write a paper about it, i find it all quite interesting. especially interesting how the female role is through the years. there are still many who have a goal of marrying well. many women can support themselves now though and so don't feel that need to tolerate some of the behaviour women in the past had to tolerate. it may have been better in those days to be born simple and live a simple life. those men were probably happy they had gotten any wife at all. the sky was beautiful. i wonder how the sunset was tonight or if the clouds just came back over. i took a little nap at some point.for some reason i had a hankering for kentucky fried chicken. it's a rare hankering, but i figured i'd stop by today. it's just not as good as i remember it being when we'd get it as kids. just not used to eating greasy food like that anymore. should have gotten a subway sandwich.felt too lazy to cook. may go down and make a late night salad after i finish this. the blog is my contact with the outside world. my readership is up a bit this week. not sure what the reason is behind that. didn't get too close to the train as i keep meaning too. no close place to park and too much wind to want to walk very far. they are cool though. i know sheldon on "the big bang" really likes trains. still watching reruns of that show. still cracks me up. also have played way too much bejeweled. zen so i'm up to level 121. not sure why they even make levels, but i guess it gives me a break point.had to take this picture. the rumor always was that you could guestimate the years snowfall by looking at how tall these plants are. well they are still totally out there and not buried despite our record snowfall...so i think that wives tale is busted. it's a myth. they probably grow just as tall each year.liked the trunks today. you can see how dark much of the sky was out there.then there was the patch of sunshine and blue skies that seemed to follow me today. no need to be melancholy. actually feel less melancholy already just writing. writing has always been very theraputic for me.the sun was really hitting these tree's.blossom in sunshine with dark skies behind her. when i first arrived today there was a good wind starting to kick up. that seemed to die down by the time i got started on the hills though.powerline above, below, susitna mountain in the background. no denali today.more trees with dark back ground.i obviously thought that was pretty cool today...took enough pictures of it. could have headed out to my spot and watched dog races, they have had them this weekend. last picture is looking back down gasline trail before hitting powerline section. i'm still a hermit, we'll see what tomorrow brings. perhaps i'll find a human to interact with. if not...i guess that is what the dogs are for.

company in the bog...

2012-02-10T23:14:00.000-08:00

woke earlier today, but then began coughing and headed back to bed for a bit. eventually, i got the girls out to the bog for a loop. this bull was chilling out there. his ears went back as we walked by, but as long as he doesn't rush to a standing position all is well. i let a woman go before me just in case the dogs spooked him. thought the picture came out well. only one i took. a rough year for our moose population. the snow is deep and heavy. blossom has a rough time getting out when she retrieves her frisbee, i can only imagine what it must be like for moose. i'm officially bored with myself and ready to re-enter life a bit. still coughing though so that could be limiting til that settles a bit more. at least i don't feel like such a germ and i haven't had a coughing/puke thing for a few days. there is hope...the eternal light at the end of the tunnel. speaking of lights. i was in my 20's when i finally was directed to a very good pulmonologist. he was able to convince me that i had a serious illness in this bronchitis and that i needed to take it seriously. oddly, low self esteem kept me from believing that anything about me was important enough to take note of. i figured as long as i was walking i was doing good. at one point i had bronchial pneumonia like this time, bad, but i kept biking and lifting weights and all that. i even headed to mexico to do the rosarita to ensenada 50 mile bike ride. when i returned i went to see the doctor. he wasn't impressed that i'd riden 50 miles like this and instead stated that i was to either head to bed or he'd admit me to the hospital. i was shocked. i'd never taken this lung stuff seriously. he was finally able to get it in my head that this was a serious issue that i needed to manage. i remember once after talking with him i realized that this was possibly how i would die one day. complications of my bronchitis. that woke me up.
above is some neighbors dog who apparently isn't taking that 6 foot fence around his yard too seriously. the snow must be piled up pretty good in that yard. i was just surprised to see him out there this morning.i'm sure i will make up for my lack of pictures this week on another day. maybe i'll do a little driving tomorrow. i start to go stir crazy sitting around the house. i'm trying to go without the hycodan tonight. i may end up awake at 2 am taking a dose, but at some point i have to try without. helps you recover if you don't have that hycodan hangover to bog you down. the animals love having me around all the time i think, though blossom could use a few longer walks. so i'm recovering, i'm bored, i'm sick of feeling like a shut in. when i get sick is when i wish there was someone in my life who gave a crap. it is what it is though. soon i'll be back to my normal self mentally and physically. wallowing in self pity is a good sign though, most of the week i just didn't feel up to it.

life goes on...

2012-02-09T23:25:00.000-08:00

despite my coughing. the health report for the day. getting better. the z-pack is working like a charm, my spit is now a nice clear colour. that is over 24 hours now. no vomit for 24 hours as well. fingers crossed. still hacking my hole off (as my friend sandra would say, perhaps some canadian catch phrase, but it seems to apply). yesterday i decided to venture into the trails of north bivouac. it wasn't my best hike of the week. it was beautiful, but i had a tickle in the throat incident that led to some trailside wretching and puking. very attractive. i also had another incident both embarrassing and uncomfortable. as you can see blossom struggles above to get out of the heavy wet snow. coughing makes ones need to void more urgent. i tried to get off trail to use the natural facilities. well the snow is like thigh deep. dropped my drawers and fell into the snow. i was a bit wet and cold post trailside pee and it made for a less than pleasant walk to the car. thank god for my skhoop, it's like the skirt when you kayak, a privacy zone. came home and took a shower, followed by a nap. have watched alot of "the big bang" reruns over the past week. they still make me laugh so that is helpful. it's the little things in life. took 2 more nights off. have given up for the week and will try again next week anew. i know i've complained all week about my bronchitis, but it's just boredom. really, i know i have a fabulous life and that my pets live better than a great percentage of people i share this earth with. my home, by american standards, is a pretty humble abode, but i know that in some countries 4 familes would happily share this small space with it's indoor plumbing, heat and electricity. it would be a dream. my friend marcia called today. can't recall how it came up but as we get older we begin to see our parents as the actual people that they are. love my mom, but i was recalling a conversation i'd had with her several times while talking to marcia. my mom was complaining about thier financial woes. somehow she seemed to believe that God should bless her financially. she was angry that despite her paying tithes and such, god wasn't blessing her.
in the church i grew up in, at least the wards we attended, it seemed there was a bit of this undercurrent that if you were good, god made you rich or i guess that if you were rich it was because you were good. this was not a religious doctrine, more of a social idea. i expressed to my mom that it seemed blasphemous to expect god to bless you in certain ways. she was blessed. she has 7 healthy kids. we are all doing reasonable well in our lives, hold jobs and all that. we were never homeless, we always had food and clothing. if you believe in a god then i think you should also accept that this god knows better than you what it is you need. god is who decides how you will be blessed, it is up to you to be grateful for whatever blessings come your way.
loved my mom, but in a few areas i found later in life, she could have improved. i think she had in her head at a young age how her life would play out and then lived with the disappointment of it not playing out that way. this disappointment in turn became anger at my dad for failing her. life changes and i believe a huge part of our growth on this earth is our ability to adapt to the changes. life doesn't always follow some set path. you could wallow in it or you could just adapt and find a new path to happiness. in my early teen years my mom complained to me alot about she and my dads marriage issues. i had a tough relationship with my dad as it was and i remember being in the car with her yet again when this started up. i recall i finally just looked at her and said something like, " if you are this unhappy, then get a divorce, but you have to stop talking to me about all this, he is my dad". my dad and i did have a rocky relationship. i eventually made my peace with it. i decided that he was an excellent father, but i would have liked having a daddy. i am jealous of girls who have the dads who dote on them. my father was perpetually critical. i never did anything right. eventually, i realized that even though he could never say how he felt he was actually happy with how i turned out and even a little proud. i'm so happy that he was able to visit me in alaska. i could totally tell that he loved his time here and i knew then that he was pretty excited about who i'd become. that i was independant and living a life that brought me happiness. of the two of them, he was ultimately the one who most accepted me for who i was. as for the father part, he worked very hard every day, set aside his dreams, in order to keep a family of 7 fed, clothed and housed. he never drank, smoked, gambled, slept around or beat us up. he was everything his father hadn't been able to be for him. his reality was just different than my moms. from where my dad came from in his life, he was a huge success. my mom had just came from such a different world. he never had a chance. funny how people end up together. i've decided much of love is luck. luck wasn't my friend when it came to love, but having watched my parents marriage...being alone seems a better choice than being in a marriage that brings unhappiness. not sure why i'm dwelling on the parents marriage tonight. people across the globe live these lives that look different to those outside than the reality is. i think my insight comes from being the youngest. the dynamics just change. i see pictures of them when they were younger, who were those people?
one day i decided to paint my bedroom. this was another day when i got insight into my mom and dads relationship. my mom constantly complained about our house and all the work it needed. i bought paint and supplies for less than $25 and the room was painted and looked much better after one day of painting. my mom never took that initiative to just do the little things to improve the house, she just waited for it to be done for her. when i realized how little effort it actually took, it changed how i viewed the dynamics of the relationship they had. before that i had blamed my dad for all, finally i saw that they both had flaws. probably opened the door for my dad to recover our relationship somewhat. my mom should have just taken some responsibilty for her own happiness. there was stuff she could have done, she just didn't think it was her responsibility. my parents are both gone now. no more chances to repair any relationships. i felt pretty good at the time of thier deaths that we were okay. my dad and i weren't to part with the warm, fuzzy relationship i had once hoped for, but we had come to understand each other and respect each other. they were just two people who met, married and had a family. they were dealing the best they knew how with what had been flung at them. overall, they did okay. we were raised with all that we needed. though my teens years were rough, the early years had more laughter and love. there are still questions that i come up with that i wish i would have asked them. i wish i could have heard more about my dads early days in life, but he never spoke freely about such things and i wasn't capable of asking. it occurs to me that it may be the hycodan taking me down memory lane. like truth serum.luckily for me my dogs do not have opposable thumbs, lord knows the things they have observed about me. living alone you don't get that check and balance that comes with living with others and being observed. the roads were supposedly icy today so i opted to stay close to home. the coughing is exhausting and i have slept more than usual. only woke once last night with a coughing spasm so it's all improving as i said. life with bronchitis. soon i will just have a dry nagging cough that will last another several weeks and then it will be gone too. rio joined us on a walk in the bog. in the picture above you can see the shine of the ice that is now the surface of everything. i about killed myself when i ventured out to check the mail tonight.
i am extremely grateful to whomever took a shovel to the entrance to the bog at the end of my street. before we had a mountain to climb over. a bit rough for rio i think. happily some kind soul cleared the path and put a few snow steps in. sweet! there are nice people everywhere. life does go on beyond my bronchitis. not always good stuff. just makes me simple life seem all the better. some guy in utah lost custody of his kids and proceeded to go after them with a hatchet before blowing up the house with him and them inside. the poor case worker who was there to supervise the visit had the door slammed in her face and stood helplessly by. those poor kids and that poor woman. it's just unfathomable that anyone could do that to thier own children. i mean how could you do that to anyone, but your kids?
more close to home a 3 year old is dead and the 1 year old sibling hospitalized due to severe neglect. they were apparently naked in a bedroom that had the window open to the severe weather outside. in barrow, where this occured, the temps were like -30 or something. obviously alot that nobody will know happening in that house. it always leaves me thinking...why do people like this have children at all? in other sad news, an 18 year old barista was taken from the stand she was working at. that was over a week ago with no apparent leads that i've heard reported. that can't be good. blossom with her kitty cat. she tries to act indifferent but i think secretly she really likes her miss breezy chatterbug. my hycodan is making me sleepy, soon i will be snoring away like miss rio catalina is right now...well hopefully not as loudly as she is. love watching the animals sleep. always makes me feel thier peace. they have a happy life and have no expectations. they are what they are, they live day by day, minute by minute. the other night rio was dreaming and her tail was wagging. love when they wag in thier dreams. makes me think i must be doing right by them. raising good dogs is much easier than kids, less at stake, but it's still fun in it's own way. my readers digest arrived today, as did my alaska magazine. don't think i'll get much read before i'm out. thanks for visiting. always fun checking my stats. peace...out...

sleep by night, expectorate by day...

2012-02-07T23:51:00.000-08:00

didn't actually sleep all that well though. i got freaked out about my new bottle of hycodan syrup. it tasted different. it usually tastes good, now it tastes mediciney. plus through the night i was extremely whipped by the drug. i usually know just how much to take. i was in a drugged out state much of night, concerned that they had perhaps mixed it wrong. called the pharmacy in the morning to be told that nope, it's pre-made, they had just switched to a generic brand. i got a big bottle of bad tasting generic. bummer. i will request the real stuff next time.
did eventually get out of my hycodan haze and out on the trails. it may have been well after 1pm. i was ready to venture beyond the bog today. took the dogs to rovers run. i'm sure we took much, much longer than usual. blossom was perfectly happy to chase her tennis ball for a longer stretch of time though and rio is always pretty accomadating. i know people heard me coming before they ever saw me. i get out there and i hack and cough and got some pretty yellow/green chunks up...it feels so good to expectorate!! what can i say, at this point it's the little things in life that bring me joy! out is good. people weren't too chatty on the trail for some reason and passed by quickly. i really felt like i should be wearing a biohazard sign on me. happily, dogs don't judge! did run into luke and emma, a few labradoodle friends we know. thier mom was out for a ski. i made her keep her distance from me and we exchanged pleasantries as the dogs did the same. i do believe i'm on the winning side of this bug though. i will still have my usual bronchitis crap to deal with for the next several weeks, but i felt well enough for that walk and to run a few errands afterwards. luckily, i wasn't the only person coughing at the AT&T store. they replaced my iphone case for free. a section just broke off....and no i didn't drop it. they all seemed to ask me that. so i have a new case. check. cat litter box cleaned, check, laundry, check, dishes done, check, bills paid, check....so happy to be able to actually get a few things accomplished for the first time in a week! now before i get too confident on the recovery process my body decided to give me one of those tickles in the throat i so loathe. this resulted in another coughing/vomit event. so i'm not there yet. i'm am on the right track. caught blossom in the act of being a bad doodle. if it's really possible to be a bad doodle. she's so dang cute i sneak in and take a picture before i give her the most commanding reprimand for bad doodle behaviour. this has become a post meal habit of hers. the dogs finish, she hangs back, i go to let rio outside and when i return she is dryer surfing for leftover cat food. bitch...i can call her that cause she really is one!
how could she misbehave when i took her for that nice long walk and threw her tennis ball for 3 miles...not only that i took them to petsmart for supplies and sniffs. i'm coming to prefer petsmart over petco now that we have both. they are just super friendly with the dogs at petsmart. i'm a sucker for dog attention! i do like the rawhide bar at the petco though. spent more than expected at petsmart today, i blame it on the hycodan haze i was still under for half the day. bought this moving mouse for the cats. really for miss breezy chatterbug. caught blossom with it once as well. you push the button and it "runs" around. breezy seemed to enjoy monitoring it's activities, but i suspect she isn't a natural mouser, she never got to close to it. i also broke down and bought one of those furminator combs for pogi. they were on sale. crazy how pricey those things are. i expect the dang thing to be motorized or something. it really just looks like a glorified flea comb. started trying it on pogi, but the price doesn't include a cooperative kitty guarantee. will have to work on that one! lots of people read the blog yesterday, thanks for visiting. apparently, my misery is entertaining. hehe. watched, "blindside" last night. great movie. time to get this girl to bed. thanks again for coming and checking out the blog. hopefully soon i'll be out taking more entertaining pictures and talking about something besides my mucous production issues.

every so often we all do stupid things....

2012-02-06T22:47:00.000-08:00

last night mine was deciding to go into work. i always hem and haw about the calling out sick thing as i mentioned in my last post. guilt, guilt, guilt. after calling out 3 nights in a row i decided in my demented brain that 12 hours would be no big deal. longest 12 hours ever! not a smart idea at all. they would have coped though in truth they were short handed with me there as it was. the day charge had to stay until 11pm. we hear help is coming...by the time it arrives the censes will drop and then we will all be floating to nicu and complaining about having too much staff. sunday i walked the bog and then wandered out into the neighborhoods and up to patterson, then back home. just lengthens the usual bog walk. change of scenery anyway.many of our usually wide streets have been turned into one lane roads. kinda dangerous to walk the streets. sunday though so not bad. luckily people seem to be driving slower on the side streets, at least yesterday they did. the post office has to find your mailbox to deliver mail. felt reasonable yesterday. i always seem to conviently forget about "break up". never a good thing. either it's a relationship gone bad, the mess that comes post winter but before spring or in my case...all the crap in my lungs begins to mobilize and make it's way north. this means my coughing increases exponentially and i get miserable. my cough is the worst! i've had neighbors tell me they almost called 9-1-1 it sounded so horrible. generally, when my cough is worsening i am feeling better. that really wasn't the case last night. i'm sure staying awake all night didn't help. talking doesn't help either and it's not easy to not talk on a 12 hour shift in a hospital. i wore a mask in patients rooms. i'm sure they were concerned though. this is keva, a neighborhood friend. last night i brought everything i thought i would need to get through the night. it all pretty much failed me. right at shift change i culminated in a coughing spasm that sent me to the back room to try and control myself. coughed so hard i doubled over and proceeded to puke into my hands...luckily, i haven't eaten much over these last several days. it was totally disgusting! didn't do too badly overall through night, but this morning i was exhausted and losing it. i pinned my hopes on swinging by employee health on the way out and getting some perscriptions called in. i was hacking when i arrived, but the lady at the counter said that they had no room for walkins that morning. she said i could return at 10:15. there is no way in hell i could get back at that time. i was stretched emotionally and was about to burst into tears so i just left. in retrospect, if i'd burst into tears they would have no doubt actually seen me then. dang me for trying to be so tough and independant!! i then thought i'd drive to where i remembered a urgent care center being. it's no longer one. in my exhausted state the best option was to go home and sleep a bit and then try again. the monday walk was out of the question for me. they went on without me. it was such a pretty day. the pictures they texted looked like all were happy. :-) patterson...they have these cool sidewalk plowers in town. they are pretty quick in my opinion at getting out there on the main roads. when i woke a few hours after i'd fallen asleep i called employee health. they had an appointment available in like 20 minutes so i took it and loaded up the dogs. everyone was so nice and the nurse practitioner upon hearing me coughing asked if i'd been there in the morning. she recognized my cough it was so uniquely pathetic and horrible. she apoligized for them not getting me in and basically gave me anything i wanted. i was still on edge emotionally and almost started to bawl in the office. that is what lack of sleep, food and fluids does to you.
tonight in a happier home, blossom and miss breezy chatterbug enjoy the fire.after employee health i headed to the dog park with the girls. i took no pictures today though it was pretty out. we couldn't do the loop the normal way as there was a rather annoyed moose out there. some dogs were harrassing the poor thing. the moose are hungry, tired and irritable...i can totally relate! anyway, we backtracked and crossed the lake. the dogs enjoyed the change of scenery as did i.
figured i'd head to the pharmacy to see how long it would take to get my z-pack and hycodan syrup. it was all ready when i arrived! my day is improving!!! these are just pictures from the bird activities...and squirrel activities in my backyard feeders. the squirrel is like a pet..blossoms nemisis. he seems happy with him living situation and the birds are happy to so i don't chase him off. i think he lives in my shed. i took my first ab's and my first dose of antitussive and settled in for a nap. blossom woke me at dinnertime but i must say it was the first time i'd felt good for days. less cough, more able to breath. rest is critical! this is my sad tale in a consolidated state..though i doubt it sounds that way.did i mention taking a small dry erase board to work and trying to write on it and avoid conversations. i wrote, "trying not to talk, makes cough worse". i used it a few times, but it's hard not to talk in the course of a night at work...especially for some of us more than others!! off to what hopefully is a health inducing slumber and a better day tomorrow!

i am a snot factory

2012-02-04T23:49:00.000-08:00

at least lately i only get the big bad bronchitis once a year. i get it pretty bad though. all the coughing is just exhausting. it also seems to burn alot of calories. i am hungry all the time, but too tired to cook really so i just snack on various items that don't look or taste at all appealing to me. only to feel totally hungry a few hours later. these are the days when being alone sucks, but then my coughing and snot is so bad i would feel terrible for anyone trying to live with me anyway. so far i haven't done the cough then vomit thing. close, but not yet. read, watch tv, play some games on the iphone, sleep...repeat. that is pretty much the last several days. poor blossom didn't get out for a walk thurs or friday. today was beautiful and i wish i'd had the energy for a longer walk, but we did manage to get out to the bog for a loop. blossom was thrilled. it always does my soul good to be walking, even if i'm slow and short of breath. took a few pictures, mostly because i had to stop so often to cough and blow chunks of snot out my nose. i feel terrible that i've called out sick 3 days in a row. i tend to go back to work too early due to said guilt though and my coughing makes others give me those looks that say what the hell are you doing at work sounding like that. i have some history with sickness and guilt though. when i was a kid and was febrile i would be haunted by this short, fat guy and a tall skinny guy. they would taunt me that i wasn't really sick and say horrible mean things to me. they were just bad dreams, but they came everytime i was sick. also had one boss call me at home when i was home ill and accuse me of lying about it. always paranoid. i have chronic bronchitis, which at this stage of life really means i have a reactive airway issue. when i get a cold bug it doesn't just run it's course like others colds, it turns into an airway issue.
the trail opening to the bog is usually level with the street. currently we have a mountain to climb up and over to get to the trail. the first picture is in bog today, the second is blossom getting ready to climb back to street level. blossom swims through all our snow to get her frisbee. i required a nap after this walk...as i seem to after any activity. it was my plan to hit the supermarket right after this walk, but it took me til 9pm to do that. i'm happy i did if only to start the engine up on the car. haven't gone anywhere for days. my brain is so foggy that as i was in the cold remedy aisle i noted that i had several items at home that could have been helping me these past few days, but i just totally forgot them. i like that vicks rub and i also have a humidifyer that i can put the vicks stuff in right by my bed. did buys some smaller nosestrips as i had accidently bought a larger size and now have ripped off a chunk of my nose. ouch!more of blossom in the snow. she refused to go out there again and instead carried her frisbee to the other side of the field. she woke me up several times last night. not sure why. i'm wondering now if my breathing was concerning her and she was actually just checking on me? would a dog do that? one cool, happy thing from the week. when i was christmas shopping i found these little solar operated flowers. you put it in the windowsill and when the sun comes up, the little thing starts bouncing around. silly thing brings a smile to me every morning now and i watch it slow back down and stop at night.read a book this week, "remarkable creatures", a novel by tracy chevalier. have read several of her previous novels and have always enjoyed them. she just writes a book that is easy and entertaining to read. about fossil hunters out beachcombing. i guess parts of it are based on true stories of a fossil hunter who made some discoveries. a different time and women had different roles as well as classes being more delineated. always fun to read about rebellious women of years past making a mark in the world. it wasn't easy in those days at all.also watched a lot of mind numbing tv shows. several realities. a new one tonight i'd never seen before. "cat from hell" or something like that. a sort of harley dude cat whisperer. couldn't figure out why he kept bringing a guitar case in with him to talk to clients until he opened it and it was all set up with various cat toys/treats. very funny.have also spent time between naps playing bejeweled. i am at level 80 i think. not too impressive really as i have it in zen mode so i am thinking you can't lose in zen mode. i'm chill with that this week. i feel like a loser enough. i'm sure there is dried snot on my face.also watched one of the netflix movies i have sitting here. "stupid, crazy love". wasn't bad. just not my most favorite messages...like, don't worry a guy who has spent years as a total womanizer will surely settle in with one and be totally monogamous if she is the right girl. it spend a great deal of time on the whole soul mate thing. soul mates are a bit of a pet peeve for me. i mean everyone in america marries thier soulmate and yet marriages frequently end in divorce. in this movies case...they are "soulmates" and yet she has an affair and then seemingly without a though requests a divorce. he then has like 10 affairs but since they are soulmates they miraculously get back together. sorry for the spoiler. do i believe in soulmates? i do believe it is possible that a few people have a somewhat cosmic connection with thier mates. i believe if it exists it's the exception not the rule. i also suspect it's not something people say of each other after dating a short time. i've met a few older couples where you just though, wow, they were just one of those lucky magical matches. i just think people want to believe that thier connection is something more than maybe it is. when they are treated like crap a movie like this gives them a false hope. not to say i hated the movie, it's just that whole soul mate thing was overdone and silly in the flick...as it is in our society. really tough to show the amount of snow we have out there. this is my view out my bedroom window...i know pretty sweet, right? at some point you do worry that the snow will become too much for the roof to handle. seems a bad idea to be out there shoveling it though. our avalanche risk is high.blossom covered in snow.did have to spend some time outside shoveling yesterday. i did it like all the activities i've attempted this week . short bursts of enery followed by exhaustion and a nice nap. hope i sleep better tonight. i so want to wake refreshed and feeling better. i'm already sick of hacking my brains out. i'm trying to stay off the phone too as talking just gets me coughing more can hardly see my car in this picture and you can see the snow level is over the front deck.these are from a bog walk wednesday. it snowed that day as well.almost time for meds and vicks. sorry to whine and complain. hopefully, my next post i will be more perky. was so depressing to have all that fresh snow and no energy to go snowshoe in it. pogi and ms breezy chatterbug. i've decided she isn't my cat, but really is blossoms cat. have never had a cat that adores the dogs and ignores me. she'll play with toys and stuff with me, but really she loves the dog.what would the cat whisperer think of that? goodnight....

pool table action!

2012-01-31T23:35:00.000-08:00

fun evening at the pool hall. nice to be entertaining again. of course, i seem to have more food and alcohol than i started with. the meatballs i made weren't that good, but i decided to mix up a batch of quintons salsa...stuff is the best! mine not as good as his, but still, it was easier to make than i expected. it's not the usual salsa. may have to sneak down and get a few more scoops before hitting the sack tonight. a small gathering, which was perfect for my first try out with entertaining in awhile. i think next time i'd make like a thing of lasagna or something. several people came from work. would be good to have more than just snacks to offer. bob above and below karen tries her hand at the pool hall. blossom kept busy entertaining. the dogs were excited to have guests. i think rio was a bit unsure what was up and took awhile to settle in. she eventually settled on the couch with maddie who discovered the disney channel on my cable box. blossom was actually hoping some food would accidently find it's way to her, if that meant kissing up to every guest that arrived, so be it! amy and sandra enjoy some of blossoms bribery attempts. no meatballs passed those lips though...that i know of. maddie gets a short lesson on pool cue holds and shooting techniques. it can get a bit chilly out there but our day warmed up today! everyone was pretty happy about that. i think we may have even hit the 20's! yeah!! amy joined me out on the trails of rovers run. rio actually got out of the house as well. great to have her join us. i hear snoring coming from the couch downstairs so i know she is wiped out. i'm sleepy as well. just started a good book so i think i'll go settle in. work is still busy, i just have one more day off and i have felt a bit like i got a bug brewing. that more tired than i should be feeling.

another day in the park...

2012-01-30T22:38:00.000-08:00

temperatures haven't risen as much as hoped, but we have gotten out anyway. well, we being blossom and i. rio is choosing the couch over the great outdoors. i believe rio would like us to move to a warmer climate, like hawaii. some sort of mastiff relocation program. perhaps she could witness some crime and work it from that angle. yesterday rio actually made it in her coat and out on the front deck before putting on the brakes. blossom would be chill with winter existing year round however, though i believe she would miss her dips in the lakes and creeks. when the temperatures get over 20F she will happily dip into any body of water that is still open in these temperatures. finished the book i've been working through. "dovekeepers". it wasn't bad, took forever to work though. those old biblical days were quite rough. death. the book was based on a true story of a group of jews who had been driven into the desert and eventually get surrounded by the romans. rather than succomb to the romans and become slaves, they decide to be killed by thier own people. kinda a mass suicide. lots of death. got in a swim last night. 20 laps. got there right before free swim was ending. after free swim people start to return and take over lap lanes. it's getting annoying. rules, what are they good for. watched a katherine heigl flick last night. "one for the money". it was entertaining, fun. keep going to the grocery store and foregetting stuff. gotta get ready for the pool gathering. it's been awhile since i entertained. always a bit nervous, but less so this time. too often i have let a simple spoken word impact me too greatly. it's fun having people over, good as it gets me to clean house and also good as i attempt to cook tasty treats for friends. nothing wrong with food, wine and friends. i'm back!! may sneak down and play a bit of pool before i crash for the night. i'm rusty...time to improve my shot. of course, at the parties of the past, we had all decided that our game improved after a drink or two. at least we happily thought we were better.blossom is happily out chasing her blue frisbee.love the taco hold.she is just cute. love my dogs!!a few siblings have blogs out there, but theirs is all political ramblings. i am so not into political ramblings. everyone has to be right. our self esteem seems to be tied in to our need to be right. i think that is why religions and politics become so heated. i live in the grey. i always seem to see that both sides have both right and wrong elements. i'm not someone who could ever put some bumper sticker on my car for a politcal figure. they always seem to disappoint. i also have seen how damaging focusing too intensely on the details of politics. people just get warped. it's sick.despite the cold it remains beautiful!yesterday blossom and i took some loops in north bivouac. always a safe bet on the weekend. some of the other trails get pretty crazy on the weekends.watching some "big bang" episodes while i write. not sure what happened to rio the other night. she woke me at 3 am. i thought it was the gut gone wild but in the morning i found she had gone out with totally bloody urine. didn't look good. hope it's not anything bad. always love the light in this area.of course, it's lost on blossom. she is totally focused on her frisbee.saw this mama and her baby moose cruising along northern lights blvd. you just never know what you will find driving through town.today was the monday walk. tanya, amy, lena and i met up. 7 dogs. it was a work out. kenai joined us and he's not altered. he puts out the vibes and tries to hump manny...this leads to him being taken down by boddhi. tanya always worries about indie, but indie did pretty great. it was actually good though. a bit of a training walk. i found a way to distract boddhi from kenai by running with my hands waving high in the air and doing my best hockey hollar. i think everyone found it entertaining. of course, i think it only worked about 90% of the time. the other percent found us all trying to release boddhi from kenai's neck. didn't see any obvious blood so hopefully no actual punctures occured. was proud of tanya as she was jumping in there and working on boddhi. she wasn't able to scream and run like a freak like i did. we'll have to work on that one! she lacks the crazy gene i have. total ability to behave like a crazy person with no social concerns whatsoever.this would be a rare moment of peace between kenai and boddhi.really should see if cesar milan would like to venture to alaska and help us with our monday walks. how to get multiple numbers of dogs to mix without grumblings. 4 malemutes, 1 mastiff (albeit small and unaltered), 1 doodle and one retriever mix. i'm sure i still have some stuff to do for the gathering tomorrow. feeling sleepy so i really should try to attempt to get to sleep at a reasonable hour.

playing pool again and i like it!!

2012-01-29T02:37:00.000-08:00

spent the day cleaning out the pool room. it's obviously my garage, but it had become storage this summer when i redid the floors upstairs. the mess just never got cleared out. this week i've been working on cleaning and clearing. looking great. of course, my idea of clean is always a bit shy of others idea of clean. entertaining is a great way to get me to clean though. i recall telling my mom that and her saying that this was why she always invited people over...i laughed and said, but you always skipped the cleaning part. my mom was not a neat freak and i inherited her lack of domestic skills. i think i'm a somewhat improved version, but i can't say my place doesn't have clutter and permanent piles. i tend to have organization behind my clutter though. stuff actually has a place, i just am not that great at getting it back. on my side, when i do get in those cleaning moods, i have no problem ditching stuff i've hung on to for too long. maybe my mom was like that at some point, but 7 kids and the stresses of life may have gotten the better of her. as the youngest of 7 kids i think i often saw my parents only in thier post stressed out days. i have to think hard to remember the days before they got all stressed.
the pool table is a reminder of my dad for me. we got a table in our basement one christmas. our folks used to always get a family gift that was pretty cool usually. i think the table was secondhand. it was a nice one. slate. we spent hours down in that cool basement in the summers escaping the heat and shooting those balls around. i remember my dad giving me pointers on how to get shots and how to play. don't remember him being down there ever in my teen years. i played with my brothers and thier friends. i'm not very good, but i think because i grew up playing pool i can pull off a good shot here and there. when you grow up with a stick in your hands i think it just becomes inate. served me well in a few bars. i'm not competitive, but i am independant. if a guy would question my ability i could take him down. i remember one guy in a bar...i impressed the hell out of him. i was all this ball will hit that ball and that ball will hit that ball and then go in that pocket. well the damn thing did. it's up there, but mostly i just hit the balls real hard and sometimes something goes in. we always played a bit of slop 8 ball at our place.
haven't had many pool parties these last few years. i can be very confident in some areas of life, but socially hasn't been an area i felt i excelled at. my one good friend, quinton left and he was just the guy you knew would always come and have fun no matter if nobody else showed up. when you have gatherings you just don't really know who will or won't turn up. it can be scarey. i mean i grew up in a church, if you planned an event, you were pretty sure to get people. in the regular world it can be a bit more tricky. then i think i got self conscious as i was with people i was just getting to know and we'd gone somewhere and were undecided what to do next. i remember i suggested everyone come to my place and play pool. people sounded interested, but then one very strong personality blurts out, "i don't like pool" and that was the end of that. i think it took the wind out of my sails. figured there was no chance this group of people would ever show up. sometimes you have to just do stuff that you like to do and eventually you will find people who will do it with you. there are some strong personalities out there and it's easy for me to just step back. took me some time to figure stuff out. you can't really blame others when you are the one who allowed yourself to become small. i just took awhile to notice. it just happens so slowly that you don't notice that you are always at fault and you always end up giving up whatever it was you wanted. i feel more balanced. getting the table back in action makes me happy. we had some really fun nights out there, laughing, playing pool and just mixing it all up.
the girls and i found time to circle the bog. would have done more but i was hoping to get the room done today and then just do general house cleaning before the gathering. was also hoping to get to the pool. i almost made it, but my errands just took a smidgey too long. the computer is GONE!! that old thing has been taking up space here for years. i hadn't removed the harddrive so they charged $10 bucks at Best Buy. i was so happy to give them the money. just wanted it gone. i still have a few bags of clothes to drop off for the ARC of anchorage that were collecting in the garage. other stuff just got trashed. got to cut up some boxes for recycling tomorrow.
spent a good hour playing pool tonight. it was my reward for all my work today. felt great to be playing again.
just watched, "rabbit hole" with nicole kidman. kinda a melancholy movie, but i actually really liked it. loss was covered well. everyone reacts differently and i can't imagine how it must be to lose a child. people lose it sometimes and friends and family don't always know how to help.
guess i shall try to sleep. tomorrows another day. hopefully i can get out for a much longer walk. blossom would love it...and also a swim. as you can see the day was beautiful!

random thoughts, random pictures...

2012-01-28T02:00:00.000-08:00

great sun dogs the other day. this is just in the parking lot at the local fred meyers. was in between shifts so no time to really drive to a more picturesque place for it. love sun dogs though, very cool. something about sun reflecting on ice crystals in the air that causes them to occur. we've been quite cold this month. drove home from work this morning and the sign near my house said -22. made it easy to just sleep all day. think i needed some extra nap time. super cold days are like rainy days, just so lazy. once i get out in rain or cold i'm fine, but it does take a bit of extra ambition to get motivated. blossom is the only one disappointed in a day without a walk. i know i'm a terrible dog owner today!
did get out to meet a few friends for a lovely meal at a restaurant i haven't tried yet. i liked it though. Ling and Louis's. tasty food, friendly staff, nice atmosphere. i think we'd all be willing to return there again. met up with gail and sandra. always good for some laughs and we all love to laugh so it was fun. otherwise, i'm trying to spend some time each day prepping the place for tuesdays pool gathering. i'm excited to start entertaining again out there. it's a bit chilly some days but it's just always fun to hang with friends and play some pool, eat some appetizers and have a few drinks.taken from my car window...dog teams and the equipment that is required are frequent sights on the streets of anchorage this time of year. you can't see the pups in this picture really, but they were in there. little noses at the door. so cute. i'm always a bit mixed at the dog sled thing. as with anything there is always a negative to the positive and there are always people who suck. overall, i think the dogs have a blast as do the people. i'm mostly for, but there are always those people who are irresponsible and they ruin it for all those who work hard to take great care of their team. some people just have a totally different view of animals and pets. it's hard for me to comprehend. to many people dogs are simply something they own. to be dumped where ever when they have grown tired or bored of them or when the animal becomes inconvienent. for me, the animals i take ownership of are a responsibility i take on for the length of that animals life. (or mine ).
a guy had his 22 cats taken by animal control according to the news. i actually feel badly for the guy. he lives in a cabin north of tok and the cats all live with him. guess he can't just leave them out there alone so when he comes to town he carts all the cats with him. this isn't a simple load cats in the car event it doesn't sound like. he's gotta get them from the remote cabin to the place where his car must be. the cats, according to the report, were all healthy and well cared for. he's very distressed that he's been seperated from them and i actually hope in this case he gets them back. can't imagine the car with 22 cats in it smells too great though. he came to town for a supply run and apparently to try and find a girlfriend. don't think i'm ready to take on a man with 22 cats. hopefully he finds a nice cat lady friend. did make it out to university lake and the bog over the week. no moose sightings though. rio likes the dog park and seems to understand the difference when i mention that the walk is at the dog park. she gets off the couch more easily to join. work, busy still. i had my little one. she failed her extubation the other day, but they tried again on my stretch. sang "let it be" to her repeatedly as she seems to calm when i sing this to her and hopefully, after last night she will just cont to get better. did my heart good to see the poor kid off that machine. prayers and fingers crossed she continues to improve. i don't let myself get attached very often, but this girl has gotten into my heart. i'm not a machine. work is crazy too. as if the peds unit wasn't in rough enough shape, our manager up and quit as well. the timing totally sucks and it feels like a captain abandoning ship. change is not easy and in a unit all the change just can make everyone edgy and moody. i'm not immune and i found myself pretty upset the other day after hearing about it. it's not the person so much as the situation and my anxiety regarding all the changes and possible changes. texted a friend in acc and emailed the manager of the float pool, just want to know what my options are and if i have options. overall, i prefer just going between the two units, but i don't want to end up in a situation where i feel pushed to make a decision. better to be proactive. chatted with my friend sharon for a bit before work last night and i feel a bit better. these are the only lights i saw on my search for the northern lights the other night. bust. great lights here and there with cloud cover in other places. i just was a miss for the night though. anchorage is a big city for alaska, but the skyline is sure tame compared to the skyline of los angeles that i grew up with.
summer plans are getting cooked up. my niece called me today to say she is coming up. :-). hopefully she'll be coming the time i have byers lake cabin. that would just be kinda fun. always great to chat with her.
guess i will head to bed. i gotta get some of the bigger items out of the pool room tomorrow. the spare seat for the element. the spare spare for the car, time to finally take the old computer to best buy for recycling. i will do it tomorrow, i will do it tomorrow!!! (at least i hope i do)

just another week in paradise.

2012-01-24T23:12:00.000-08:00

trying to get my butt geared up to head outside and take a little drive. it's -16 here by my house so that makes it more difficult. the aurora forecasts are at a level 5 on my app as well as the news mentioning it. have no idea how i'd take pictures of it, but i could play a bit and see what happens. i may not be the only person out there so i may find a kind soul who will take pity on me. would love to get a few pictures of northern lights. the lights of anchorage are too bright for a really good display here.
above are the dogs on the monday walk. manny, blossom and boddhi. we were joined by karen, tanya and lena. rio came along, but opted out of todays walk. it was warm and lovely out yesterday, teens i'd guess. today those temperatures dropped again. rio's got it figured out and settles in on the couch more these days. here is rio out enjoying the relative warmth of the day. today lena and did the rovers run loop. i was sleepy. she was sleepy. seemed an easy way to get the dogs out and walked. she worked last night. i worked all weekend. peds and the adult icu are all busy. i went back and forth a bit between the two units. was pulled to peds icu on thursday to take care of my little pumpkin and got her again on sunday night. hopefully, she was extubated today. i stopped by last night after my epic class to fix my time sheet and it was mayhem up there. the staffing has been horrible and nobody seems to look at the numbers at all. it's not enough to just have a number of nurses, you have to look at skill levels and abilities. lucky for them lena worked and lucky as well that michelle looked ahead and saw that monday was going to be a mess. it was.
i'm thinking less and less of the current administration running providence hospital up here. all the talk of the core values are just words thrown at us. obviously, these words have no actually meaning to those in the tower. they all seem to have totally lost site of why we are here and what happens in all those tiny rooms below thier offices. sadly, it will probably take some horrible mishap to clue them in that we all have a responsibility to those people who are staying in those tiny rooms hoping to feel better. i stayed a bit until the house supervisor was able to get them some further help and i watched over the little pumpkin for a bit. since it was monday walk i hadn't had but 3 hours sleep since probably 1:30 the previous day. i wouldn't have wanted to stay there all night. happy i could help for the time that i was there though. it totally sucks to have patient numbers that you know are dangerous and it really sucks when you call your management team and they are totally useless. the monday walk was great though. it's not easy waking after so few hours sleep, but it is good to get moving and to get out there in all the beauty. my walks were a bit curtailed last week. with me starting back at swimming i suspect my muscles tweaked on me. i could hardly move my neck wednesday. i decided to schedule a massage that afternoon with whoever was available at my usual massage place. was hoping a good massage would work out my muscles and i could start work without the pain. i'm thinking i'm done with male masseuses. totally spelled that wrong i'm sure. not sure if it's that they are men and they think they know what is best for you or if they just have a massage routine and find it hard to go off thier routine. i explained to him a few times why i was there and what i needed. i just wanted a 1 hour massage on my upper back and neck. i had to keep redirecting him. nope, not my arms, my back, nope not my gluts, my back. in the end after i paid and i was drinking my little water he mentioned to me that i hadn't had any problem areas at all. now this really makes me angry. does this mean i'm crazy and just imagining my pain. i'm never without problem area's as far as knots on my back. needless to say, by the time i was pulling out of the parking lot i could feel whatever tenseness that had left returning. by the time i got home my back was just as bad as it had been when i arrived. the next day i tried all my tricks to try and break up the knots. heat wraps, drugs, tennis balls, dog toys and even throwing myself at the corners on my wall to break up those knots. they loosened enough for me to manage work. the wonderful monitor health unit clerk gave me a little chair massage on friday. she is awesome. swam again today and i can feel my backs a bit tense. we'll see. with my winging scapula it's always a battle. i'd rather do activities as much as i can and deal with the pain that follows. the dogs having fun out there on the big loop at north bivouac. snowed a bit on sunday. beautiful though. i love to watch snow fall. the girls and i just did the bog here. rio made it out. tried to get pictures of her, but she's usually too close on my tail for photo ops. she was coated in snow though. oh, i forgot to mention another strange happening with my massage. for the second time i had one climb on the table and straddle me. i find this quite odd and uncomfortable. this guy didn't ask or anything, just climbed on the table. is this a new thing? has this ever happened to anyone else? am i a freak because i find it a bit strange and uncomfortable? maybe i'm just more sensitive as i've had a few incidences happen through my many years. anywho...female massagers from now on. great story this week up here. a elderly guy and his wife were out walking thier two retrievers. the one retriever is older so the husband hung back with the dogs while the wife headed to the car to warm up i think. anyway, she starts hearing the dogs barking wildly. turns out a moose had run at her husband and the dogs. there weren't any trees to hide behind (what one does when i moose chases you as they tend to kick forward and can't kick around a tree) so the old guy threw himself into a big snow bank. smart move. he got pounded, but the softness of the snow probably saved him. he got a huge gash on his head and had many fractured ribs. the wife though grabbed a shovel from the truck and went after that moose with it to save her husband and dogs. she tototally rocks!! the lady is 5 ft tall and weighs less than 100 pounds. pretty brazen move, but it eventually worked. i loved this story. hear it's a national news story at this point. i figured it would go viral. totally entertaining tale!everyone looks so happy to be outside. lena, tanya and karen...as usual the dogs can make forward motion tough.a few from the bog the other day. as we were finishing up the snow stopped and it looked quite pretty out there.haven't heard from my plane people about our flight out to round island. i may try and get a group of us out the night before and we could just camp out a night. i think bob, tanya, scott and i would have a blast out there beach combing. that would just get us there on the first run to round island. came to me today. may make the whole thing run smoother. we may add 2 more, gail and a doc from the icu who want to come. probably sent them through togiak. let the planning commence. always fun.blossom is loving her blue frisbee. since it was just manny and her today she got to chase it. he's not as much of a toy stealer as some other dogs and so she can romp with him and chase toy too.the rest i took at the dog park. went there friday i think. beautiful day as you can see. denali in view. i love the frost.haven't brought my macro out that day. just the basics. happy i went to the epic class through the adult unit. they jsut seem more organized right now. bummed as i discovered i'm working the day we go live, again. that can be a messy day. computers will be down and then you do catch up charting or paper charting which will be put back online. not a day to look forward to. i should be in the adult unit too though so that will help. again. they are generally better staffed for these events and more organized. did watch a net flix movie last week as i rolled around in misery with knots. hehe. "mao's last dancer". it was based on a true story. interesting. they selected kids in china and took them for tests to determine if they would be good dancers or gymnasts or whatever else they needed. this one kid was selected for ballet. he was then taken from his family and raised to be a dancer. under mao's government of course, the dance productions needed to have a military slant and story line. his one teacher was punished for having them dance one of the usual ballets. no guns and no mao spin. he sneaks a vhs tape to this kid that showed a real ballet and it inspires him. he ends up getting an opportunity to dance ballet in the united states and train at a US ballet academy for a few months. he opts to defect. a difficult choice as he has no idea if his family will be punished. always interesting to see what happens when people from nations that are so repressive get a glimpse at the other side. he was told all sorts of things about americans and it takes him some time to understand that he's been spooned a load of crap.guess i should get on some warm clothes and get out there. i'm a little worried i'm getting a bug. on my swim today i felt oddly tired, which is why i only did 15 laps. that and it was open swim and the kids were unusually wild today it seemed.
okay...layering up for a trek out to the cold, clear night in hopes of watching lights dance across the sky!!

more hiking at twenty below....

2012-01-18T00:01:00.000-08:00

i think a few of these loaded oddly, but then i was taking them left handed and upside down. another beautiful day out there, but cold as hell. or what one might assume the temperature of hell would be, though generally hell is seen as a hot climate. i'd agree that being overly hot would be worse than being overly cold, unless you had access to a refreshing and clean body of water. today i was joined by amy, lena and karen for a stroll out at rovers run. karen and i veered off onto a side trail that connects from the rovers loop out to the homestead trail. i think we all manged the cold quite well. amy went shopping before hand for some new layers that i think made a difference in her comfort level in these bitter cold temps. dressing for these subzero temperatures is a trial and error thing. takes some time and experience to really find your right layering. i wasn't cold until i was going from my car back into my house after stopping by subway. i was juggling my gear and the sandwich and a coke and my keys without any gloves. i got all twisted, dropped my caffienated beverage and was quite chilly. the ice cubes are still sitting on my deck and will be visible until the next snow covers them over. the side trail has some nice views. i carried my big camera's but never got them out. i was determined not to go nuts taking photo's. took hardly any on the monday walk this week. came home, snuggled with rio and then crawled under the heated throw blanket and after reading a bit fell into a lovely nap state.got my guitar out last night for a bit. even did crappy video's of me singing a few of the songs i've written. actually posted one of facebook. a big step considering i am not one to perform my music publicly very often. years ago when i'd play, my friends would sneak a listen from outside the door. i think that was at my gramps beach house in laguna. have performed some of my music publicly over the years though. in south dakota i played occasionally at an open mike in a small cafe. in ketchikan i played the "monthly grind" on a few occasions. the monthly grind is a variety show that the community puts on once a month through the winters. they called me and asked me to perform once so they must have liked my little act. of course, when i mentioned this to one of the docs who had lived there forever and had performed at the monthly grind he was a bit put off. apparently, he had never been asked to perform in all the years, he always had to call and volunteer to perform. who knew? there are frosty bits on stuff out there, but it's intermittent. the fog was hit and miss in town. the trees in my backyard aren't frosted on the lower branches, but the upper part of the tree is all pretty and frosty. i really love it when it gets totally frosty, and then frosty on top of the frost.it's always pretty.blossom was happy with the split walk today. the second half she was the only dog and got to chase her frisbee. she is pretty wiped out tonight. chatted with my sister in california. apparently it was 20 degrees. for us that would be a huge warming trend, for them that is very cold. she laughed that i had even bought a coke and suggested that after hiking in below 20 one should probably drink some hot cocoa. she did have a point so i made some tea. warm is good. to warm up further i watched the video to "somewhere over the rainbow" my that hawaiian, iz? just went blank. that rendition is just so beautiful, how could your heart feel chill with that music in it. karen demonstrates human frosting tendancies in subzero temperatures. i don't frost as cool. blossom with her mute crew...malamute that is!we are relatively warm here though. some of the interior temps are down to -40F. breathing can get pretty tough at those temperatures. there have been times i've thought of moving to fairbanks. really not sure i could tolerate temperatures that low. we all have our limits. in south dakota the wind chills would bring it down to -40. those wind chills can get brutal. anchorage has little wind in general. even when temperatures are low like this week you can still get out and hike and enjoy the great outdoors. amy looks good in her new winter weather gear. all she needs is ice bug boots...those are the best i've found. i think karen and tanya have both liked thiers as well.was excited that our permits arrived in the mail today for round island. planning the summer is a wonderful way to spend winter!we had a fun crew out for the monday walk this week as well. maddie wasn't as thrilled to join as the rest, but it was a federal holiday and she is tanya's child...so walking was the plan of the day.she wasn't thrilled with the cold, but we did do a shorter walk. i also brought a leftover solid chocolate santa for her to enjoy at the kaladi's. now that we know that eating all the chocolate won't actually make her sick as her parents told her. i told them that would backfire when she didn't actually get sick eating all of the huge hersheys kiss. because of the holiday we were joined by gail, larry and bob and maddie. since i knew the walk would be shorter, i encouraged rio to join us. you can't force a 120 pound dog to do stuff they don't want to. she stayed home today. it really is too cold for the big girl. blossom only had a few dogs to contend with yesterday. boddhi and indy joined us and teva, that was it for dogs. so 5 dogs, 8 human types. we did the gasline to powerline to tank. the climbs at the front end got us all toasty. then we had nice views of denali at the top of the climb, which is always nice.the creek up there seems to never freeze so it's always a cool place for frost sightings.coming up the hill...gail in the lead, well behind me i guess!

at the coastal refuge for a below 0 photo op day!

2012-01-16T00:11:00.000-08:00

this one was across from potters marsh though. i drove past before heading home. i really think it was kinda warmer at the coastal refuge than at my end of town. went swimming and the sign at the police dept said -17...so we've warmed a bit tonight. the news did say my end of town may hit -25. the pool was fabulous and warm again. love it when that happens. got my 25 laps in again. i did change up my day at the coastal refuge as after i did my usual walk i took a side trail out a ways. took it til the trail dried up...meaning the person who had snowshoed it before me had stopped and turned around. i opted to turn around as well over postholing. liked the bird house out there in the middle of nowhere, also that little thing in this picture looks like a cool animal sighting, but it's really just a tree remnant i think. slept in again today, which wasn't a bad thing. it gets me to the trails in time for sunset. the sun is setting later and later though. i really should cut back on the number of photo's i take. it's so much fun though. i love to share the amazing place i live with random strangers across the globe. just passed 20,000 views to my blog. kinda cool. thanks to all who stop by. i just think it's totally awesome that via these computers we can connect with people across the world and share what our day to day existence is. though there are variables, we all pretty much do the same stuff. friends, family, work, pets, pretty places...laugh with my friends about the whole professional photography thing. anyone in alaska can sell pictures as it's so amazing here that anyone can get a decent photo if they just get out there. many of my pictures are just taken with my little canon powershot, others with my canon rebel.i have thought in the past i should join a photo group. i find all those groups are just so dang competitive. everyone has to show how much better they take photo's or that they have better gear. i'm so totally over competition. people, in our nation at least, can't do anything anymore just because they enjoy doing it. they need a ribbon or a t-shirt and they have to have the best gear to do it with. i enjoy walking, i enjoy taking photo's and i enjoy writing and blogging. it's as simple as that.just seems that everything in life became one big competition and that is probably when i just stepped off it all. now i just live my simple existence. not much wildlife out there today, but there were a few ravens who were cruising around. i can't remember ever taking pics of ravens before so here are a few. watching some big bang while i blog. watched round one, now i'm doing the repeat. they are even funnier the second time around. love sheldon!too cold to take rio again. she got frostbite a few years back in this cold weather on her paw pads. i'm trying to be more careful. she really just doesn't like it out there in this extreme cold. blossom, however, loves it. maybe she has more fur around her pads, or just moves faster. she does seem quite tired after another day of frisbee chasing. thought it was cool that there was a steam rising off the water in the arm way out there beyond the ice. the chunks in the middle are ice floes. i only went out so far but there were big ice chunks beneath the snow where i walked.beyond the ice and the arm is redoubt, a local volcano.nice skies despite the cold weather.though i enjoyed my day i must admit that i accomplished very little. did get the cat litter changed. life can be so stressful. haven't even gotten my sunday paper read. should work on that. these next few were also taken across from the potters marsh. love the tracks, almost cruised over to take train pictures but it was time enough away from rio. i feel bad leaving her behind. she's very good about it and i tend to get some couch snuggle time with her when i'm rewarming upon return. oddly, she seems just as happy and restful as blossom does and she did nothing.more tracksblossom after a day at the coast.this is my favorite shot of the day. loved the light on all the little snow bumps.trying for some art shots.the light is so amazing on days like today. the more you go to a place the more you notice about it. you can go all the time and still discover new stuff. guess the russian tanker is in the nome area. as close as a ship can get to the shore this time of year. they are planning to hook up and offload the fuel. spendy, but still cheaper than flying it all in. kinda cool that a russian tanker was granted permission and the coast gaurd worked with them to break the ice and get to nome. this is a cool picture too. i'm easily pleased. the sun looks so close you could touch it. love this of blossom. she is so fun to take pictures of. i think i have avoided people this week. i get in those modes. it's not that i don't like people i'm just a natural loner. that was one of the reasons i started the monday walks. it's good for me to put myself out there and socialize. it's just so easy to do stuff by myself. i'm part hermit. not sure where that comes from. grew up in a large family, wanted to be forgotten some days. of course, secretly i really wanted attention. was happy to see the city is making an inquiry into the big baptist temple's tax exemptions. they own tons of property and don't have to pay any taxes on any of them. seems like these big churches get a few too many perks. is it a corporation or a church. seems like the lines get more and more blurry these days. doubt they will be fined or cited, but it is nice that they are at least looking into it and causing prevo grief. so much is done in the name of religion. i do hope if there is a god, he's watching. think there will be some surprised people at those pearly gates. i'm feeling sore. back to swimming and all my forays into the woods at subzero temperatures. feels good. feeling like i want to do something to my hair, feeling very frumpy of late. not a good thing. haven't even had my hair cut for almost 3 years. it's overdue. not sure i want to use the old hairdresser though. he now is part owner and i think that distracts him. how to pick someone else though and what to do with the hair...not sure. it is just hair and mine tends to grow back pretty quickly.keep getting interrupted watching big bang. so funny! i really have to get the 5th season. not sure if it's out officially yet. should turn off big bang and get the guitar out...or go to bed. it is 1am. i'm on a stay up late, sleep in late run. there is one of those crows again.multitasking. reading the paper, watching big bang, blogging...tomorrow should just be walking. a perk to being with actual humans. i take far fewer photo's and most of them turn out pretty crappy anyway. it's a holiday and it's cold out. not sure how many will be there. could be fun. we'll do a shorter one though. due to cold and the children will probably join us. i know maddie is coming. she's already complained that she has been tricked into taking longer walks than expected. love how bleak it is out there. so cool.not sure who blazed this trail, but they sure walked crooked! one must wonder what was going on there. blossom takes in the scenery.exercise is good for the brain. who knew? reading the parade magazine. i think we always fear alzheimers. have friends who have had parents with this and it's just so stressful for all involved. haven't had this in my family, we have other stuff. my dad had parkinsons and my mom had diabetes. gramps had strokes. longevity isn't huge in the family. these things can be altered i hope. i'd like a good long healthy life here. i really like my earth time. my parents were both in thier 70's when they passed away. my mom always predicted she'd go in her 60's. not sure why.blossom makes her way down the crooked path. love when sheldon tries to be human. hehe.this place is off limits in the summers. impossible and wet. i sure enjoy it in the winters.perhaps i'll forget my cameras tomorrow. nah...can't do that! what if something cool shows up and i don't have it. okay, i'm a bit obsessed. but i have finished season one of the big bang so i really should wrap up for the night.ok,not season one, just the first disc of season one. that sounds much better. feeling a bit dehydrated. the cold really does take it out of ya. my to do list grows. would have thought that with temps this far below zero i would have gotten more done in the house. will skip swim tomorrow night since i've swam the last two nights. ready for a day off. want to get back to 3 swims/week. good for my body, my mind and my hair. whether i cut it all off, or just some of it. sleep is so wonderful and i'm very good at it. so good night all. thanks for joining and for putting up with my over picture days. i know way too many photo's but it's so pretty and i can't resist.

stuff to do when it's 20 below zero F

2012-01-14T23:42:00.000-08:00

anchorage always has an ice carving contest by the center of the arts. i love to check it out. there is a larger contest that occurs in fairbanks and i have been wanting to check those out. can see them online anyway. they are quite impressive. i believe it's an international contest. best time to view them is at night when they are all lit up. thought these dancers were so beautiful! of course, it's extremely cold out there so my thumb is still numb from taking my photo taking hand out of my gloves. i wasn't alone out there. besides the usual downtown activity i believe a busload of asian tourists were dropped at the site right after i arrived. they looked pretty happy. alaska gets loads of tourists from asia each winter to see the aurora borealis. something about fertility and good luck to be conceived under the northern lights? not sure.loved the pink light.not sure if these are iguana's or what. i think iguana's though. green is my favorite color and again, just thought these looked pretty cool all lit up. every year they have a few super impressive ones. these top two were my favorites. the seals were cool too. i really should get a thermometer at my house. it was pretty dang cold out there. far north bicentennial park is a pocket of coldness too so i'm sure it was at least neg 15 while i was out on my stroll. you burn extra calories just hanging out in that temperature. at least that is my theory anyway.it's good to be home and warming up again. rio stayed home. after going out to pee this morning it was clear she decided to limit her outdoor time. she was quite content on the couch. the tommy train. always forget the name of the train character. you cold climb aboard and get a picture of yourself on the train. there were several interactive ice sculptures. last year they had a maze made of ice blocks for the kids. (the adults always participate too).train with performing arts center in the background.these panel sculptures are the backdrop for the ice rink there . it had a coating of snow on it. it was foggy downtown. could be some cool ice formations tomorrow out there if it stays foggy tonight. love when that happens. it is a challenge taking pictures in these extreme cold temperatures. rev'd up the batteries before i went for my swim and headed downtown. took the camera gear into the gym with me for fear sitting in the cold night for the hour or two i was at the pool would render my batteries useless. got in 25 laps. was so happy when i got in the main pool and the water was nice and warm . felt great! performing arts sculptures. simple but cool.the peacocks were cool too. of course, no peacocks or iguanas in alaska except the icy sort. details of the feathers. who doesn't love seals. hard to get the right angle for a picture, but it was a cool sculpture as well.that movie about the whales is coming to theaters. filmed here in alaska. when they were filming it they were calling it, "everybody loves whales". i see the name is changed to something about a miracle. can't remember. will have to see it if not to just see alaska scenery. these were harlequin ducks. kinda hard to see the details.looked pretty with lit trees. this is the ice rink with the panels on the right.giraffes. someone lopped off one of the heads it seems. always someone gotta mess with stuff. maybe it broke off on it's own. guess i shouldn't jump to conclusions. love giraffes. got to work that string back in my zoo days. i took the zoo keeper course at the los angeles zoo years ago. after you took the course, you were a volunteer keeper. you then built up hours as a volunteer keeper and could apply for a full time position. i volunteered for quite a few years as a keeper but then became a nurse instead. the zoo keeper job was hard work, but i can't say i wouldn't have had a great time doing it. i really should look into part time work as a keeper at the little zoo here. walked about 3+ miles at north bivouac trail system then cruised up the road to the basher road trailhead and caught a bit of the sunset. it's a great spot to watch the sunset. i was getting chilled though so didn't stay long. you could see denali but it was behind some power wires and a bit cloudy.there is the sunset from basher trailhead. pretty!!another shot of the sunset.mt susitna (sleeping lady) with anchorage in foreground.love when the sun is this deep colour.blossom was a bit confused by this extra ramble, but always willing to join. powerline trails all connect up here.slept in today. originally woke with a headache, fed the beasts, took some meds and crashed again. wasn't awake again til noon. headache free!these should be back to n. bivouac. of course, i had a freezing arse out there. at some point nature called. i try to avoid dropping my pants when it's -15 outside, but emergencies happen. my arse never warmed up. amazing how quickly a butt gets cold. mine was numb in under a minute!!loved the sun bouncing off the snow.sunshine, but not a warm sunshine.....looks like it should be warm though. we crossed the big pond/bog thing. actually were quite a few folks out there. i could hear voices back in the trees. they seemed to echo across the open space. was trying to wave. thought it was cool how long my shadow got! it can be tough to convince yourself to get outside when it gets this cold, but i'm always happy when i do. despite the chill it always fills me up to get outside and see all the beauty that we have been gifted with. hard to imagine that if there is a god, that god is a loving god. who else but a god of love would creat such abundant beauty. god is in the details. i am not impressed with organized religions, but i have come to find that my "church" exists out there in nature. that is the place i feel closest to whatever god is. i don't have all the answers, but i'm not sure answers are required. i just think many humans feel the need to be right and correct, to feel that this god is on thier side. i doubt god selects one church or religion as the one and only. i believe they all have parts of the message. it's more in how you choose to live your life, how you treat those you share this earth with, whether they are human or animal. your kindness, your respect of others, of nature and of your body. if god didn't care about these things that were created, they would have all been just functional rather than beautiful. why have a moose and a giraffe and an elephant and a gazelle, why not just a bunch of cows. why have rugged mountains and deserts when we really just need land to farm. why have eagles and peacocks when we could just have chickens. crossing the great divide!will have to ponder where to hike tomorrow. should go out to the eagle river nature center or out to the arm for a hike out there. hopefully, i get myself to bed at a more reasonable hour tonight. it was a good movie last night though. quite enjoyed it.blossom got some big ice balls in her feet today, but she is still not deterred by the colder weather. her time out on the back deck laying in the snow is more brief. tonight when i got home the second time she headed out she walked about 5 steps, stopped and then just turned around so it must have chilled off even more than negative 20. hehe.cat litter box can wait til tomorrow, so can the dishes..i'm headed to bedgood night....

more snow means more moose...

2012-01-13T23:26:00.000-08:00

the moose are moving into anchorage. it's that time of year. with the heavy snow fall we've had this year our moose population in anchorage will grow and sadly, several moose will probably perish. this guy has just gotten back up after slipping and falling down the embankment at university lake. pretty wild to watch one of these large animals go down. sorry, didn't capture it on the camera. took a few tries but she got up again. really didn't notice if it was male of female. really i can't be sure if it was the mother or calf that went down from the distance i spyed it across the lake. another work week is past. i worked overtime one night. got lucky and was allowed to go home at 1am. that is where flexibility will reward you! i said they could put me where ever they wanted and i was put in the annex. the annex is actually in another unit. we just got so full that we had to put kids out in another section of another unit. kept steady for the hours that i worked there, but nothing too crazy. moose looked cool with the sunset behind it. was much colder out than i had expected. one sign said 5 degrees. i think cooler. rio lifts her feet below 10, the front door lock sticks under 5 and i need two hands to open or lock it. under zero my seat belt has a tough time clicking in. just put sybil on, have never watched it. psych issues are pretty difficult. amazing how cruel some people can be to thier own flesh and blood. she's not too sure about me and the dogs taking the trail she and her calf have stationed themselves at.we got loads of snow the other day. i'm not even sure what day it is. i'm all messed up on my week. not as messed up as sybil is, no huge abuses in my past. no multiple personalities, though i have been known to pretend i have multiple personalities. i created barbie and bunny and svetlana during the wee hours of the night on slower nights. one co-worker finally asked me to stop because it was too real and was freaking him out. some days i just feel like entertaining myself and thus those around me. svetlana, bunny and barbie haven't been out much of late. one never knows when the next form of entertainment will exhibit itself. barbie was the good girl, bunny the party girl and svetlana a russian ex spy who had been given a position as a nurse for cover. anyway, the moose in the bog were just huddled up out there, bearing the snow that just kept falling down on them. they look pretty miserable really. too much work to chase after some crazy person walking dogs in the bog. it had snowed another good 8-10 inches by the time i'd woke from my slumber after working. i shoveled and then got the dogs into the bog. the entrance to the bog on the end of my street has a huge berm on it. i had to crawl up and over the thing. i've never known that to happen in all the years i've lived here. some years we have more snow than others, this year is exceptional though. the snow must be shoveled up and over. i'm trying not to feel badly about my poor swimming these past months, i have been tired just doing the walks in the cold and repeatedly shoveling the snow up and over, up and over. blossom usually has the back yard packed down, but she's had a hard time keeping up with it all. valdez and cordova are worse. wasn't myself my first night of work. just off. it's hard to stop yourself from letting angry people upset you. i am usually pretty good. a tirade was reported to me that had happened from a co-worker who is known to snap at times. it was regarding me and my situation at work, working between two units. frankly, i think some people are just unhappy and they can't stand to see others happy. we like to believe that we are liked by all, but in truth no matter who you are there are going to be those who aren't fond of you. i remember a seinfeld episode where jerry's mom finds out that that crazy dude is after him.....she was just so shocked that anyone in this world could not like jerry. i forget that i am not as charming and wonderful in others eyes as i believe i am. we are all capable of annoying others. someone who is known to flip out on occasion flips it's best to just not take it personally. just makes me crazy to feel like we all must tip toe around this person who is chatty and friendly one minute and then snap. of course, it makes me really feel for her kids. what must that be like to live with, it's tough just for 12 hours. i remember walking with a friend in ketchikan. can't even remember now who it was. there was a travel nurse there at that time who just dispised me for some reason. she actually made me cry at work she was so hateful to me. can't say that has ever happened. i cried a few times when i worked at the animal hospitals because i'd gotten bit and it hurt, but not for something like this. anyway, i remember my friend said something like, if one person thinks you are a bitch and everyone else seems to find you likeable, well that one person is probably actually the bitch. now if almost everyone thinks you are a bitch and only like oner person finds you likable, well, you may want to look inside of yourself because you may be a bitch. of course, in her opinion i was not a bitch. it was just this one person who hated me. the trashcan at university lake is a bit buried!a wonderful co-worker was very sneaky and kept it secret that she was retiring. this morning right before we all left for the day, she mentioned quietly that this was her last day. if i hadn't seen the little twinkle in her eye i would have assumed she meant her last shift for this stretch. i'm very happy for her, but was bummed. first my friend sharon was treated like crap by the company and now marguarite is retiring. if anyone deserves to retire it's her. most people retire in thier 60's not thier 80's. to have been able to work and do it so well and with such kindness into your 80's...well that is just amazing. i will miss working with you. night shift just isn't going to be the same. i was tearing up as i headed to my car this morning. things got crazy this week in the unit, the adults was actually still not overly busy. hopefully, things chill a bit upstairs now though. staffing is short and now will be even shorter. i'm begining to believe that hospitals have completely forgotten that there are these people called patients that are taken care of by these other people called doctors and nurses. they are so buys running a business they have no clue or care what happens in those rooms with all those people. it's sad really. i am merely an expense...whether i do a good job or am caring mean nothing to them. loved the sun on the drive. probably not smart snapping pictures while trying to drive in all that snow. another new years resolution i forgot to write is regarding my car and safety. i've gotten into a stupid habit of putting my foot on the brake and putting the car in gear before i do all those things you do in a car to get ready to leave, putting on the seatbelt, adjusting lights, mirrors...it's not a good idea. so i'm now reminding myself to buckle up first. i had an incident at potters marsh where i somehow got my foot on both the brakes and the gas. it took me a second to figure out what was going on and luckily i had enough foot on the brake to keep me from flying into the marsh without a seatbelt on...or worse into oncoming traffic. this guy was at a neighbors as i drove home from work this morning.my humble abode is on the left side. this was post dig out. my neighbors have parked thier little car for the winter and it's pretty well buried over there. my snow level is over my deck fence line and almost to the 6 foot fence on the left. as i attempt to shovel over that pile of snow i frequently miss and then get a driveway avalanche.finished watching "sybil". it was over 3 hours long and released in 1976. for some reason i had avoided watching it as i had thought previously that it was a psycho-killer movie. amazingly, the movie is still a good flick even all these years after it was first released. some movies are able to hold thier own over the years. it was a really well done movie. well acted for sure. it is horrible the hell that some children are put through and worse that there are people around them that see it and do nothing. this child endured daily torture at the hands of her crazy mother. none of us really know what happens in the households around us. times were different back then as well. people rarely interferred, it was felt it was best to just mind your own business. blossom has attempted to make paths in the yard. you can see that the snow is piling up around the deck from me clearing that off over and over as well. i'll have to pop out and see if the northern lights are visible out there. hard to see in anchorage due to the lights. it's supposed to be a 3 for activity which is decent. it's cold out there though and i'd have to drive someplace to really get a look at em. i have an app on my iphone that gives you the aurora activity forcast. kinda cool.the trashcan on the deck has kindling in it, unfortunately, during the winds the lid blew off someplace and i believe it's buried under the piles of snow around the deck. won't see it til spring. my kindling is now unprotected...dang.different day at university lake with the dogs.and a few sunset shots. wish i'd been able to get to the refuge for this one...looked spectacular from my bedroom window, which is where i took these from.this be my hood...3 hour movies should probably be started earlier than 11pm, but now i'm heading to bed and it's almost 3. will have to be more productive tomorrow. that cat litter aint'gonna clean itself!!

it's a grand snow year..

2012-01-10T00:04:00.000-08:00

of course, there are those who undoubtably don't think this much snowfall is as grand as i do. even i know that there can be too much of a good thing and i have my moments of thinking...not the shovel again. i do love the snow though so i will try not to complain about the shovel work involved at times. this is looking out my upstairs picture window. the snow is creeping up.photo above courtesy of my friend tanya. after another 8 inches or so of snow fell this weekend the temperature dropped today. it was close to 0 or below. of course, the trail for today's monday walk was stomped down enough to not merit snowshoes but not quite packed enough to make walking easy. it was a killer 4 miles today and pretty dang cold for all. we were all quite happy to hit the tank trail again and head for kaladi's. i am without hat, i took it off and on as i was overheating at 0 degrees. always seems odd. i was feeling my lack of sleep as well. we were trying to show off our frost. missed karen in this picture and the picture i have of karen loaded sideways as they occasionally do. this is amy, lena, tanya and myself. when you walk with 4 malamutes you are often stopped by the above roadblock on the trail. we ran into not another soul out there on the trails today. were a few other cars by the time we returned.blue skies and sunshine. i'm sleepy now, but also anxious and upset. joined amy and karen for dinner at serranos and then we went to watch "war horse". sharon and sandra joined us there. i'm not going to say it was a bad movie, it wasn't, it was really good, but it was also horrible. if you don't want to know any more....move on...spoiler possible.
it was just loud and pretty graphic war scenes and sad horse scenes. there are some happy moments for the horse as well and the last 5 minutes or so were totally tear inducing. i laughed of course as in those last minutes of the movie i started to hear all the sniffles and tears from down the row. i used to enjoy war themed movies and i think i still do, but it was pretty graphic at times and that included horses being shot and mistreated. the main horse befriends another horse and since we all know the main horse survives the war one gets the warm fuzzy feeling that he and his black horse friend who have bonded through all the hell of war will end up chilling in a pasture one day. not gonna happen though. i looked away many times during the movie to avoid seeing the scenes. can't say as i've done that since watching tom sawyer as a kid. injun joe was terrifying. mostly, i felt very anxious throughout the movie. too anxious to really feel all warm and fuzzy in those last scenes. i wouldn't see it again. the light is always amazing in this section.malamutes photograph well. such amazingly beautiful dogs. watched a few other movies this week as well. i've had a few netflix movies sitting around and haven't gotten to them so i finally did. one was, "the pat tillman story". a documentary. if you don't know he was a football player who joined the military and was killed by friendly fire in afghanistan. his family were obviously very involved in making this documentary and i really liked it. i think it did what they really wanted which was show him for the guy he was not the one the officials wanted to splash across the news. no clear answers were even given to the family as to what all happened. they did a great deal of investigating. some of the truth has come to light, but there is still much denial that will never be cleared up. how high the coverup went does seem clear and embarrassing. they were understandably pissed that their sons unfortunate death was used to promote the military agenda. it was just really well done and informative. when i went to work on thursday i found that i hadn't been put on the schedule. with all the changes in management in both units i really need to be watchful of the schedules. mine has been set for years and if there was a change i got a call. this may all be in flux, i really don't know what will happen. peds icu was very busy this weekend. i started in the adults on friday and was quickly pulled for peds. they had several vents. i'm feeling a bit unsettled and anxious about the possible implications of all the management changes and the impaction they could have for me so i was ruminating about what this busy weekend may mean. would it be proof that my schedule should be changed or proof that it should stay the same as then i am your backup. time will tell. i try to not cross bridges before i get to them in life. it's a hard thing to remember sometimes, but i do believe it's best to not freak out over things that haven't happened but that just may happen. so that first night the adult unit already had a few nurses on call, peds also had a nurse on call so i was given an overstaff..no call, totaly free! watched the other netflix movie, "emmanuels gift". my brain my blank a bit but i think it was set in Guana? apparently if you are born with some handicap or develope one it is thought that you somehow deserved it? this one guy, who is disabled, decides to champion for more rights and assistance for the disabled in his country. he starts by riding a bike across his country despite only having one functioning leg. this gets him the attention to get to the united states and eventually get the leg that wasn't functional removed and get a prosthesis. anyway....oprah was involved in the making of this documentary. it's one of those examples of an inspirational story not told in a manner that inspires as much as expected. not sure if oprahs people just aren't used to doing a full length film or what. it jsut seemed like it was all re-inacted and seemed kinda fake, which made it uninspiring. the guy sounds like he's made some headway in helping the people with disabilities in his nation so like i said the story is inspiring, but just not well done in my opinion.we had a lovely monday walk. i had intentions of doing a swim before heading to dinner and a movie, but that was just a crazy idea. i took a nap instead.sunday between shifts i woke to continued snow. i spent the afternoon shoveling out. it gets harder as the places to put the snow are few and one must toss the snow higher and higher. once i'd thrown blossoms frisbee tons and shoveled all i could tolerate it was time to drag the christmas tree of the past to the recycling area just over a mile from my house. blossom and rio happily accompanied me. i'm sure it looks odd me walking around dragging my tree, but it works.took some pictures as i entertained blossom and dug out. was thinking it may take some extra time to melt this spring meaning planting season will be greatly delayed. so my yardwork needs will be less this summer. valdez always gets tons of snow and this year it sounds like they are on track to at least tie thier record snowfall. record happened '89-90, 560.7 inches total. yikes! that is amost 47 feet for a coastal town. cordova also got blasted with snow these past storms and the national gaurd had to come in to help them dig out. you can see my deck is going bye-bye!that birdfeeder hangs like 4 feet off the ground and is now sitting on snow. the birds are having a rough time. i keep digging out the snow in the feeders and trying to make it available. the moose are also getting killed due to the deep snows. they avoid the deep stuff and stroll out on the roads.my shed is also disappearing. i must say despite all the snow this weekend the sidewalks were plowed on the route i drug my tree. i was happy. some complain about the road crew, but i actually think they do an amazing job. seems like people have some unrealistic expectations to me. a few moose settle in and endure the storms. saw a mom and baby moose as i drove home from work another morning. too dark to get any decent shots, and i was driving, but they looked like they'd been bedded down for hours and the baby just had it's head sticking out. they just looked so sad and cold! dog bootie put in tree as lost and found.anchorage averages nearly 75 inches of snow/year and we are already up to almost 70 inches. far less than valdez but still we are way ahead for the year. blossom is thrilled with the snow and i think she would actually be totally fine if it stayed winter all year long, though she does enjoy a good swim.took the dogs to the bog a few times over the weekend. this is a pond thing in the center of the loop that is always fair game for dog play off leash. below you can see the tracks of a dog chasing a frisbee back and forth. hehe.pond in bog.rio even came. she lifted her feet if we stayed in one place too long and one day after she'd done her duty as it were, she turned back hoping we would just skip the loop and return home. she does fine though. i let her skip todays monday walk adventure. happy i did.a few action shots.my work can be kinda disgusting and i always laugh as the crap that happens at work is never depicted on the tv/movies. took care of a very large man and during bath i instinctively popped a zit thing in his arm pit. that thing fired like a rocket. lucky i have fast reflexes still or i would have had MRSA pus in my eye. not sure how many cc's of fill a zit requires to be called an abscess. it was discussed. we often pronounce the hours of 2-3 in the morning as sex and secretion hour...it's when all conversations at the nursing station can deteriorate at a rapid rate. one must keep oneself entertained in the wee hours and nurses have some pretty fun stories to tell. if you don't get grossed out when you are eating at least.always great to see the sunshine out there. my bedroom windows allow for some great warm light in the afternoons and it's great to stretch out with a book and imagine yourself on some beach out there.

i think my post movie anxiety is begining to subside. as i left my house tonight to meet friends i realized that today was the 9th (well, now it's the 10th). as it turns out that meant that i was missing a class at work on the computers that i had signed up for but convinced myself was happening on tuesday. oops! totally missed that one. will have to figure out another day to check it out. a few more bog pictures from another day. i think i am now relaxed enough to attempt sleep.

hanging at westchester lagoon...

2012-01-04T23:59:00.000-08:00

but not for too long. it was so cold out there on the ice. i got alot done today, errand wise, but it was also a day where i kept going the wrong direction or like out here, i forgot the shoes i usually use with my kicksled so i had to wear my cross country ski boots with my cleats over the top. those are not the warmest shoes. i would have maybe gone for a short ski, but after being out there for a bit i was getting too chilly. it was pretty though, the sun was setting. not too crowded. this is usually a popular place for various forms of skating. as you can see they have a large area wet mopped (is that what you call it?). there is a big loop and then a smaller one and a few large areas for congregating and making fires in cans. no lights though really. there is also an area for hockey playing on the other side. lagoon sounds small, but this one isn't.
above was my favorite picture of the day i think. just loved the lighting. i was totally loving the pinks reflecting off the ice. not sure i really captured that well, but it was beautiful.

blossom always looks adorable in her harness. she never pulls however. well trained dogs rarely do. sometimes you can teach them that once they have the harness on they can pull. the ice was pretty slickery and my kicksled was all over as well. don't think she had much fun on the ice today. probably too cold right on the ice too. once i pulled the frisbee out her whole demeaner changed. she went from okay, were on the ice to yippee...frisbee!!was supposed to meet a friend for lunch but she bailed. i think just overworked and overtired. hopefully she gets some rest. some of these nurses work 5 12-hour shifts/week. i don't know how they do it and stay sane. i'm of the work to live not live to work sort. i've been there where you put your heart and soul into a job and in the end, there isn't much reward for it. people mostly get pissed at you cause you are there. i am a good worker when i'm there but i find that it's tougher to be patient and kind when you are overly tired and burned out. better to know your limits.

finding myself feeling anxious about my future. bummed as i've really enjoyed going back and forth between the two units and now that my good friend isn't working in peds anymore i fear that my happy position will be messed with and eventually dissolved. it could get ugly out there. hate mini power trips, but i feel there will be some of that going down. i'm trying to not let it bother me, but change is hard for us all. i do believe in that adage of one door opening when another closes. that doesn't make it easy to go through those doors though. guess you can see a little pink. mentioned the radioactive floatsam in my blog yesterday. in todays paper they were talking about the ringed seals up north and how they are being found dead and dying. the seals have lesions in thier mouths and on thier flippers. the scientists doubt it's related to radioactivity from the tsunami, but the tissue will be tested anyway. i guess i can see how one would think this a possibility though i also haven't heard of any other populations of animals being found sick and dying between here and japan. lotta water in that space though so perhaps just not noticed. interesting theory though. the numbers are pretty high though, 60 dead and 75 sick seals. the article also noted that they had seen sick walrus but no dead ones. reports aren't just for alaskan ringed seals but also russian and canadian. always sad to hear of these die offs in these great animals. that is a kicksled for those who have never heard of one. there are two little rubber pads to rest one foot on while you pump with your other foot in the middle of the two bars. nome is short on oil for the winter. a russian boat has been trying to get through, finally got the okay for the international trek to get the oil to nome, but on the news tonight it was said they had to turn back. those folks will be struggling this winter with outrageous oil prices.

another little story i found interesting is that apparently there are still like 100 homes in bethel who have refused to participate in a city sewage system. instead they are continue the use of honey buckets. lovely...and great for the environment. unfathomable to me that someone could prefer honey buckets to a flush toilet, but it's all what you get used to i guess.

one happy pup!!and one less than happy one. another disturbing story in the paper today regarding the shelter in fairbanks. they apparently have warm cages available for after hours drop offs of animals, however, there are many idiots who opt to skip that humane option and instead leave the animals at the dump station. out in the elements. people can be such idiots. will have to fess up that i didn't make it to the pool today. blogs can be so cruel! no real excuse, just too dang cold and once i hit that couch i was done for. i put a fire in the fireplace and played games on my iphone while snuggling with rio. blossom in her harness...how adorable is that?this morning i did mange to get rio out of the house. took some coaxing, but i got her out walking. she seemed to enjoy it once she was out there. we just did the bog. it's good for her. westchester would have been too much for her. beautiful day in the bog. lots of cool smells according to the dogs and how often they stopped to sniff. i'm happy that humans have moved beyond the whole sniffing thing. really not appealing to me, but the dogs seem quite happy about it.was going to loop over and walk the neighborhood but since i had plans i cut it short. i drove by later, there is a guy over on that street that usually builds a huge snow creature of some sort. he's had some cool ones over the years. we've had plenty of snow for it, but i didn't see any signs of building yet. haven't heard anything about the annual building of snowzilla yet either. nice to have all my errands run and i should be good to go for work tomorrow. maybe i'll find out if there's been any changes initiated. i'm rolling my eyes as i write that. sharon did the schedule for these past 8 years and it all worked out. this girl does the schedule once and wants to change everything. it's gonna be a mess....AAAACCCKKK!! i'm pretty flexible, but don't mess with my schedule...!!!!! it makes me crazy!! of course, i suspect that is the point. off to sweet dreams before work reality sets in.

out in the cold....

2012-01-04T00:06:00.000-08:00

blossom and i spent several hours out in the cold today. rio was at the door with her collar and coat on and once i opened the door she headed back to the couch. i'm happy that my sweet blind mastiff has the comfort and confidence to opt out of walks when she feels like it. this is a good sign for the seperation issues i fought those first years. not that she doesn't have some still, but she is so much better! when i got home i snuggled on the couch with rio and a electric fleece throw blanket! of course, this meant i fell asleep and missed my opportunity to get to the pool. so much for that resolution. the good thing about resolutions is that you always have tomorrow to start anew. goals are forever and you have each day to try again. tomorrow....pool! blossom and i didn't start at the coastal refuge today, but it looked like it might be a nice sunset so after our walk up at prospect heights i drove to the refuge. the sunset didn't disappoint!i love this place!blossom is pretty sleepy tonight after 3+ hours of tennis ball chasing. i just loved the low hanging clouds on the mountains.great sledding hill as you enter the refuge. nobody there when i arrived, but a group of teenagers had arrived when i was leaving. i haven't actually sledded this hill, but it does look like fun! will have to give it a shot one of these days. the refuge is always full of surprises and i seem to take the same pictures each time i go, but they all look beautiful in different ways. still hoping to see that cool owl out there again, but no luck. admittedly, i am a bit of a loner at times. it's easy for me to just do stuff on my own in my own time frame. is this because i grew up in such a large family. it was always hard to find time alone with 6 siblings. we were quite close in age as well. there is just 10 years between the oldest and youngest. i'm the youngest. does seem strange i guess that for as much as i craved attention growing up (and didn't get it really) i prefer being alone. well alone with the dogs and my cameras. loved that there was this full reflection of the sun at the surface.my batteries were slowing being drained from the cold. my big camera was tucked in my jacket to try and keep it warm. for anyone who doesn't live in a cold climate, all batteries die quickly in the cold. i usually keep a spare battery, but that one is also in the cold with me so it's draining as well. dampness will also drain the battery. it almost felt a wee bit warmer to me today earlier, of course at the time i was thinking that i was walking uphill for the most part. when i was down here at the coast i was getting pretty chilled. no idea what the temperature was. i think probably close to 5 for much of the day, but i think it got colder at the refuge. no protection once you are out there.though it's late, i'm thinking a tub sounds great. i don't think i ever totally warmed up after getting home. made a few stops on the way home since it was on the way. i try to make all my stuff go in a circle to save gas and time. since i cleaned in the kitchen i'm thinking i'd like a nice sized bread box. we have bed, bath and beyond here so i headed there. they just had small ones though. that store overwhelms me. so much stuff crammed into the space. bought a few trinkets, but no breadbox...then since i hadn't pee'd for hours i took blossom next door to the petsmart. wanted to replace all the stuff they'd gobbled thier way through on new years eve. gifts for a friends dogs that now were party favors for my beasts. i was quite happy, less than $14 bucks and i got tons of stuff! yeah me! is is rude to mention i hadn't pee'd for hours. the idea of dropping my drawers in temperatures of 5 F did not sound appetizing. frost bitten arse. days like these make me realize that the dream of running an iditarod is not an option. the idea of putting booties on 16 dogs in temps down to -50, really not fun! in cold temps i have a hard time just getting the key in my front door. my seatbelt also doesn't like to click in when it is near 0. my days off pass way too quickly. can't imagine working a job where i don't have so much time off. i'm happy working nights and happier that i just work 3 of em. last time i was out here was the day rio had surgery. it was total ice out there that day. today was nicely packed snow.cool clouds.bitter cold,
can't feel my nose,
numbness comes,
to my fingers and toes,
but still i venture,
the beauties outside,
there's time later,
the warmth of the fire,
cold,
no reason to hide hide.
skies afire,
sun sets slow,
sky filled with light,
before it goes.
more pictures than words today. always fun to do quick poems. sorry if they totally bite. just getting started back writing poems again. i used to write tons. poetry, music, photography are all great releases for me. i feel for people haven't developed means such as art, music, writing to cope with the day to day stresses of life. i find it's huge really. people who don't have hobbies and interests and talents and skills that they enjoy, well, they seem more prone to be sucked into coping with drugs or alcohol or gambling...especially up here where the darkness and cold can suck you into a hole if you allow it. i watch people and i see how they can be destroyed when they have no other means. it's sad. alaska is a terrible place if you have no coping skills in life. thankfully, i feel like i have many means.of course, taking care of so many people who are negatively impacted by drugs and alcohol is a deterent in my mind. no drugs or smoking ever. i do have a drink on occasion, but it's very occasionally. there is a time and a place and then i am happy to imbide. i remember talking to a pair of women in a parking lot. the one had just moved here and worried about the violence that comes with the territory. i remember i told her if she avoids love and alcohol she had nothing to fear. not too many footprints heading out beyond the log above. that is my guide log. it's where you catch the main trail back to the sledding hill.it's a good landmark so far....of course, this time next year there could be refuge from the japan tsunami. they say stuff is begining to wash up on our shores. we have been warned to be cautious as there may be radioactive flotsam. also it was mentioned that there could be shoes with actual feet still in them. this sounds horrible to me. what does one do my friend asked when i mentioned this. would families want the feet of their loved ones back, does one respectfully bury such things. this came up as on our trip this summer to round island we will spend some time on some very remote beaches. blossom enjoyed her hours of playtime!didn't stick around for all of the sunset. i had enough pictures, it was getting cold and it's best to get back to the car before it gets too dark out there.my brain wanders quite a bit, not sure how much other people converse with themselves, but i will admit i'm quite chatty with myself. not necesarily out loud though. spent a great deal of time training my dog and get frustrated when people don't train theirs. i just think it's important especially with larger dogs. i'm so happy that i have two dogs that i can pretty much take anywhere and they are reasonable. though it's funny that most people who encounter my dogs assume they are just naturally good dogs, which they are, but they don't realize how many hours i spent doing training with them. especially blossom. the same people that don't discipline their animals or kids seem to all act like it's never thier kid or animal that is the real cause of any issue. with animals the laws are generally against the owner of the poorly trained dog, however, it's mostly difficult to enforce leash laws and such. they tend to creat thier own hell though as an untrained dog just gets worse over time. sadly, many of these dogs end up getting rehomed or put in shelters as they get older and everyone is so shocked that they behave so poorly. with humans...you are just stuck with a difficult kid. i often watch people who have no control over thier 2-3 year olds and i know that if you can't take the lead at this point, it will never happen and unless you are lucky the kid may turn into a teenage horror movie.a lookout on the way to the refuge.the rest are from the walk out prospect heights trails. i took the south rim loop trail. i frequently do in the winter. in the summers i'll go with friends as it's high brush and bear country. also as we discovered this summer..porcupine country. pictures in the july month of last years blog. not my dog fortunately. both of tanyas though.
denali showed up as i headed down the big hill towards the car.blossom above, mt susitna (or sleeping lady) below.my fair city of anchorage, cloaked in clouds.the powerline trail with the big mountain in the distance.more of anchorage.beautiful blue skies out there today. no animal sightings.went online and bought a few new aps for the phone. i do enjoy that iphone. the batteries don't last long enough though. this trail is nice and central for friends. amy seemed to want to avoid the chill today and i never called anyone else. i know i'll sleep good after a day like today though. blossom already is...rio is too, but that dog can sleep anywhere, anytime. except in the car. she's always on edge in the car.will have to get them in the tent again this summer. they are pretty good tent dogs. i have a big 6 person tent that i bought for cheap a few years back. easy to set up, fits me and both dogs and a few friends nicely. won't work for round island. that place gets wind.more of susitna.loved how the snow collected around these.just a window shot from the drive over. another lovely day. off to sleep and then start over again tomorrow.

no mail today..

2012-01-03T00:25:00.000-08:00

went to mail a few thank you notes and thought it was cool how frosty it was at the mailboxes. today was the official holiday. much to my friend tanya's daughters dismay...no school, which meant another monday walk with her mom and her mom's friends in sub zero temperatures. we did do an abbreviated loop just for maddies sake. one day i'm sure she will thank her mother for all those long walks. lena on the other hand told her husband and 3 sons that she needed some girl time. they were all out at a cabin for the week i think.it was blossom and 4 malamutes. she enjoys them, but for some reason once she starts to play with one she has them all on her so i do have to intervene on occasion. poor girl. they are some beautiful dogs though i must say. they look quite impressive out there on the trails. tanya with a less than happy maddie.

my phone rang at 0600, it was my brother calling from boston. i work nights so i'm generally not too awake at 6am. when i remind my brother of this he always seems to acknowledge it loosely and then chat on. gotta love him. so we got a chance to catch up this morning for a bit, though i may not be able to recall all the details. since i was up i went down and turned on the rose parade. i missed the first part and eventually found myself waking for the ending of it. later in the day i was able to watch the last part again. so i saw bits and pieces of the parade in pasadena. may try tonight to see the first part and see what my hometown float turned out like. i grew up in south pasadena, they usually have a smallish but fun float. i think the rose parade is one of the reasons i'm not too big on the usual new years eve celebration. i spent many a year out on that parade route. it's a 5 mile long party with friends. you camp out and other friends cruise colorado blvd in thier cars, picking you up and dropping you off after cruising. at midnight you aren't lighting off fireworks so much as you are moving all the chairs and gears to the blue line in the street. before midnight your stuff must be kept on the curb, at midnight you get to make your claim for prime parade watching space. when i was as young as 5 i believe i was out selling rose parade programs for a church fundraiser. often going door to door or we'd hang out at the float building site on euclid? can't recall which street that is now. tourists would get to go through the building and we'd sell em programs outside. we also went a few years to the parade route early morning and sold programs there. i remember being on one of the big bridges and being totally impressed when the big bands came past. that bridge was taking every beat. that was the only parade i knew for years and i was incredibly unimpressed the first time i was taken to a normal community parade. yes, i'm a parade snob to this day.had a nice gathering at the kaladis after the walk. sandra and scott eventually joined us and lena was even able to come and chill for a bit. kids not in school so no pick up required. the hot cocoa was much needed after our journey in the cold.everyone is happy but maddie. she claimed to have gotten frost bitten on her face. not to worry, she was fine. kids are adorably dramatic at times. rio stayed home on the couch. may get her out tomorrow. she doesn't mind skipping the cold days though. the dogs had fun romping about on the pond or bog or whatever this thing is out there. not sure how deep it actually is. too many mosquito's out there in the summer to wander too closely. little more cleaning done this evening. i realize it's a bit early for spring cleaning, but i get busy with outdoor stuff once spring hits. just found another project i'll have to get worked on. i have a little outdoor cat shelf that opens to the inside. the plexiglass cover to it got trashed by a snow dump from the roof i'm guessing at some point. not sure what happened. after i had gotten the tree down inside i noticed the damage. bummer. i get in cleaning modes. it happens so rarely that i really have to take advantage of it when it does happen. i do love tossing stuff. it's so easy to hang onto stuff just cause. sentimental value is often just not reason enough. i mean i finally tossed this needlepoint thing i'd started in my pre-teen years and had never finished. it was half done and has remained so for decades. i've moved it from place to place wondering what to do with it, how to salvage it. i finally just tossed the dang thing. it's a peanuts theme. gone now. i highly doubt i'll be sitting here in ten years regretting that i didn't hold onto it for 10 more years. memories are yours. they stay with you as long as your memory allows. some day when you die somebody goes through all your crap haphazardly. with death it's rare people have time to meticulously go through your crap. keep, sell, donate, trash...that is eventually what happens to all our stuff. best to not attach yourself too much to it. enjoy it while you have it, but don't live for it...and certainly don't bury yourself in it. these last two are actually taken by tanya and her daughter maddie. i'm borrowing them. thanks tanya for taking a picture of me from time to time. document my slow aging process.the kaladi's group for the day...sandra, tanya, me, scott and lena!

i'm thinking the 28th or 29th for a pool night at my house. not a swimming pool, but the pool table in my garage that prevents me from parking in relative warmth and keeps me scraping snow and ice off my car. the more you use it the less you care about the loss of the garage! that gives me a few weeks to clear the crap out of the garage that has prevented pool parties of late.

well...i'm off to bed. before midnight!! finished the first 4 seasons of big bang and now can return to some of my other movies and entertainment. night..

Happy New Years!!!

2012-01-02T00:09:00.000-08:00

blossom has happily chased her new blue frisbee for a few days now. yesterday we did gasline-powerline-tank-moose ridge-tank. a lovely loop in temperatures 0 degrees F and less. the campbell tract is generally much colder than the official temperature readings in town. today the clouds lifted so it got even colder. tough to get myself moving and out on the trails, but once i'm out i always enjoy a brisk walk in the bitter cold. i say bitter cold as that is what i have heard on the weather updates all day. it's bitter cold. sounds right. you can see blossom is frosted up! thanks bob and tanya for blossoms new frisbee. she loves it!!there are a few hills on the gasline trail. i find this is a great way to start a walk, you get warmed up. i do find that when it gets below zero you can walk and walk and never totally feel warmed up. though i must say today i was well layered and felt almost hot a few times. i do find that i am taking many of these pictures left handed. my little camera sits in my left pocket and to avoid removing both gloves i've discovered i'm mostly taking pictures left handed with this little camera. i am not left handed at all so i've been quite impressed with this newly discovered ability. your hands get cold out of the gloves for even a brief period of time. when i use the chuck it i must throw the ball quickly or it rapidly freezes into the chuck it launcher. lots of folks out on the trails these past days so i am not the only insane person who thrives on taking walks/skis and bike rides at temperatures below zero. loved all these pines all coated with our last snowfall. tennis ball. i started out yesterday with the tennis ball. it can be easy to lose in the deep snow. blossom is quite good at locating it even in very deep snow . love all the frost on her eye lashes. i must not tear up enough or work out hard enough, though today i was starting to realize that i do a hell of a lot of deep knee bends on these walks, picking up frisbees. the bikers and skiers i saw out there today were very frosted. the mens beards were coated and thier eyelashes were also coated. of course, this can backfire as well as i've seen women with frost on their chin hairs...just another reason to keep those in check i guess. on the powerline you cross this tiny creek. rio balked at it. not sure why a sane dog wouldn't want to get thier feet wet when the temperature is hovering around zero. hehe. i found another route around and spared her. my new years night was pretty uneventful. i had thoughs as to what to do. i think if it had been just up to me i would have just headed to the hockey game. the aces won in a come from behind win. i really wasn't feeling like forcing any issues on what to do. for me it's just another day and another year. as i get older the idea of fighting crowds gets less exciting. next year i should just plan on having a little pool gathering. sandra and i met up and just hit a movie. we went and saw, "we bought a zoo". it was cute. there were some strange gaps in the story though so that affected the flow of the thing. the little girl is adorable and it's worth it to go just to see her and the animals. it's a sweet story and a feel good kinda flick so it was a good choice for last night. sandra had suggested that horse movie, but i didn't want to spend new years eve bawling my eyes out. it does look good though, "war horse" i think it is. of course, i should have suggested the new release, "new years eve". that would have been fitting. we were not alone at the movie theater. at midnight i watched the various neighbors firework displays. it was again allowed that regular folk fire off fireworks within a set of guidelines.blossom loses her head retrieving her tennis ball.took several self portraits attempting to capture the frost, since i don't see myself all frosted up and it quickly melts once you get in the car.the neighborhood fireworks were way more sophisticated than the ones i remember us shooting off as kids. i was actually quite impressed with the shows around the house, and i was warm and inside my home. i kept myself busy these last 24 hours cleaning up the christmas stuff, writing a few thank you notes, prepping the calendars for the new year....cleaning more. it is amazing how clutter builds up. i cleared the counters in my tiny kitchen so now i have more space again. one of the gifts the pets got me (that is how i get gifts) was one of those cool griddlers. i'm excited to use it, but i also needed to clear the counters to find a space for it. tossed some crap out. checked stuff for expiration dates. it's trash day tomorrow. it was tough getting myself worked up to just go move my garbage can to the curb. had to layer up and even then it was freezing..okay, well below freezing. to counter the cold i had a lovely fire in the fireplace and baked cookies for tomorrows monday walk. when i stop to take pictures blossom uses the time to chew ice balls out from between her toes. some of them are quite impressive in size and i imagine quite painful as well. doesn't stop her from chasing the frisbee. i've tried booties but she doesn't like them. she seems fine without and aside from her stopping occasionally to chew em out, she does great. more frosty self portraits!there is great gramma's nose in all it's glory. thank you distant relatives for passing on your best traits. hehe. i've also noticed i'm getting to an age where i'm begining to develope jowels. so lovely. the aging process is so sneaky!! was all geared up to watch the rose parade and it took me a few minutes before i remembered that it was sunday and the rose parade never occurs on a sunday. so i will hopefully get a chance to watch tomorrow. then it may feel more like new years to me. didn't get to sleep til late last night. i'm convinced the popcorn i ate at the theater didn't agree with me. my gut was not happy and this morning when i woke it still didn't feel quite right. so i skipped the original plans of a skate/ski at westchester lagoon. will try for that later this week maybe.campbell creek today for a rovers run loop. this creek is actually a pretty good sized creek, not much showing out there anymoredid my calendar drawing again. so i'll have to get a few calendars off in the mail. hopefully, everyone enjoys them. pretty sky out there.frost on a smaller creek along the trail sun was setting as blossom and i walked today. loved all the pink everywhere.the moon was way up there. despite the cold i do love walking out in the woods. i'm so grateful that i am healthy enough to be able to get out there. also grateful that i have the life that allows me the time to get out almost daily. i can't believe how blessed i've been in my life. it didn't follow the path that i was sure it would follow. i assumed i'd get married and have kids, but none of that happened. i wasn't a girl who planned the nuptuals before i met the guy, i just didn't see myself as the spinster type i saw mocked when i was younger. it seemed so obvious why they hadn't married. of course, now i realize how judgemental everyone was of those women. it was to be feared, spinsterhood. i don't see it as a choice i made. in my mind, i never met the right guy and it's best to stay single than settle for anything less than the best choice for you. wasn't looking for perfect but it seems so often that people are. i'm well aware that if you are looking for perfect you can always find flaws in the one you are with. wouldn't mind someone who was close to perfect for me. loneliness is less about being alone and more about being surrounded by people who don't love you as you deserve to be loved. that is when you feel lonely. this life is more about adapting to change than planning ahead. i find i get more and more at peace and happy as the years pass. you just accept yourself and the life you have been gifted. you can't let one course alteration determine whether you will allow happiness into your soul. does that mean i live without hope, no. if some amazing guy showed up and we could continue forward together in happiness then that'd be cool, but you can't live your life waiting for this or that to make you happy. you find happy where you are. i'm happy where i am. watched a bit of that reality show about the coast guard in alaska. they rescue one guy and i realized i'd taken care of him at the hospital. kinda fun. 2011 wasn't bad at all. quite lovely actually. 2012 is out there, we shall see what it brings. each day is an adventure and an opportunity. back to the trailhead before it gets dark out. i drove up to the basher trailhead to see if there may be any photo ops. i took the one below. probably could have gotten out and gotten a few shots, but once i was there and the car was heating up, i think i opted out. may be a few volcano's in the distance there. anchorage below. Happy New Years to all and may all enjoy a year filled with peace and beauty and good will to all.

been a good day....

2011-12-30T23:53:00.000-08:00

went out just me and the girls for a walk in the white forest. love, love, love that our snow is back to it's normal perfect self. the temperatures have dropped down close to zero and all is right in my winter wonderland. post walk i met up with sandra for a little ski, classic style. we met at goose lake and enjoyed 3 miles of blissful skiing on perfect snow! post ski i went for a bit of a swim. time to get back at the pool and get my bootie in shape.
blossom enjoyed chasing her tennis ball and frisbee unimpeded. rio was a bit off taken by the chill and kept lifting her frosty paws one at a time. you can see blossoms lashes are frosted up.saw a pair of moose in the parking lot again today. the mama moose was dashing across the street as i was arriving. moose sightings are getting more and more regular. went with the dogs in the bog between shifts and ended up turning around as the moose and her calf were right next to trail. they were just bark eating, but the trees were pretty thick there and i didn't see anyway around them and they were happy where they were. work was work. ran the dialysis in the pediatrics one day and that patient was allowed to pass so the next day i was shipped off to the neonate icu. must admit it hasn't been bad the last few times i've been down there. boring and it feels a bit like prison to me though. not that i've ever been to prison, except to visit. (not a friend, in college a professor arranged for a group to go observe or something, not sure what class it was at this point. it was los angeles county lockdown and it was horrible. not a place i'd like to revisit). anyway, nicu is like a prison as there are no windows down there and they won't let you have any of your stuff with you. i carry around a big pack and all my winter crap. they made me cram it all into a tiny locker they have for visitors. i was annoyed. even water is restricted. i am sure i broke a few rules. i only had two babies who i really just had to do the whole feed routine on every 3 hours. inbetween that, i had nothing to do. long night. everyone was nice enough though and i got through it. they are going through the same providence induced management changes. providence hosp seems in capable of doing these things without totally pissing off everyone. i've been quite happy with my set up of going between the two icu units, peds and adults. i knew i was too happy as i suspect with the changes i may be dealing with some changes myself. first the new schedule came out and i was schedule for 3/4 weekends in february. then, this morning i ran into the new peds acm. she doesn't like that all my weekends on my set schedule fall on the adult icu days. so she now wants to switch it up and have me do my weekends in picu. if that is the worst change that occurs i think i will do fine, but i will need to re-evaluate my place and see if any more dramatic changes are needed. i really do hope i can just keep doing what i'm doing and that if she does make these switches i can still have the time off i've requested from acc and been awarded. one feels a bit like she is marking her territory and re-establishing a role over me. i am not power hungry at all, i just want to come in and take care of patients. it gets harder and harder to do that as nurses. always seems to me that the people who run hospitals forget that we are all here to take care of people who are sick. they are ceo's and they only think of the financial aspect of it...that is until they have thier own brush with death. eventually we are mostly all a patient at some hospital and when you are, all that crap means nothing, you want a good and kind and caring nurse at your bedside.
i'm trying my best to not let myself get sucked in and upset. not always easy. my schedule is my life and i don't like playing little power games over it. since i worked the last few nights i wasn't able to get out for my walk til after 2pm. was trying to get photo's of blossom but it was already a bit dusky out. she looks so cute with the frost and i think she really likes her new frisbee that tanya and family got for her.felt great to be back in the pool again. i do love swimming. easy to put on those winter pounds, especially when i like to eat the crap that i do. already working on my 2012 goals...
1...re-commit to my swimming and work out goals
2...focus on my book project and write at least 2-3 entries a week.
3...plan a pool party and stop worrying if anyone will come, the house will get clean. :-)
4...write more poetry and maybe a few new songs, it's been awhile
5...declutter
6...replace hall/stair carpeting
7...get up and out of bed in the mornings rather than waste away the day
8...study and pass CCRN test..there i wrote it, must do!
guess that is a start. christmas was sort of a pass this year. not that it was bad, but more like it just didn't really happen. i went through the motions, cards out, tree up, gifts delivered. i just wasn't able to some of my relaxing traditions like sit by the tree and sing christmas songs and play guitar or drive around the city looking at decorations and stuff.
we didn't notice these huge christmas bulbs skiing out but did notice them coming back. they are pretty high up in the trees for us short folks. same big bulbs as are out on the north bivouac trail. fun running into this stuff around town.not sure how we spotted them coming back.have been watching episodes of the "big bang theory" still. often for christmas i will purchase some series and enjoy them over the long winter. last year i bought the james herriot series which were as wonderful now as they were back when i was a kid. loved all those books as well. a few years before that i bought "northern exposure". another fun though often flawed, detail wise, series. i think they got the characters right. my brother bought me "sex and the city" years ago for christmas which i watched over and over. i also have several years of "bones". i think that one is ending soon as is, "the closer". i've enjoyed both so that is a bummer. i love "sienfeld" and "law and order" but i don't have any of those. they rerun all the time so i guess i haven't felt the need. i remember that i used to like "wings". it came on in south dakota as i was getting ready for work each night. the girls were happy that i got them out today. i slept well, but i know i burned quite a few calories through the day and will be ready to crash soon tonight as well.blossom enjoys the early sun set.love how the snow clumps up on treestodays moose sighting.driving to the trail today after 2pm. just thought that sun looked cool. that is as high as she gets this time of year it seemsin the bog, fluffy, snow laden trees.the blue skies came out temporarily, but it's back cloudy and the snow is falling lightly at times.yesterdays bog moose. well, i guess i have come to the end of another exciting post. i know you can all hardly wait for the next installment. doing a drawing for my leftover calendars on the 1st. i think tomorrow i will put away the christmas stuff and begin clearing out the garage a bit. not sure what exciting plans i have for new years. i haven't actually had it off for years. hmm.. gets to crazy and crowded at times. downtown is supposed to be fun, there is a hockey game which also sounds like a possibility. maybe a game night with friends...maybe just curl up with a book before all the mayhem happens and wake early to watch the rose parade on my computer. have discovered that watching on the computer is much better. anchorage barely shows the parade, too many commercials.

a White Christmas...i know, in anchorage it's nearly impossible not to have one!!

2011-12-27T11:59:00.000-08:00

but we did get loads of extra this year which is great after all that wind we had earlier this month. tried to get out and play. it's coming down now as well so i will be short on words as i have to get moving and shower, shovel and snowshoe again. these moose shots are from the other day. amy and i went for a snowshoe in north bivouac and we ran into a few sets of mama and baby moose. this pair we ran into a second time on the way back. they had settled in to feed right by the parking lot. this young guy was pretty chill about us and even started casually walking right towards me. he looked like he is being contrite in this one.ears back isn't always a good sign, you get to know what you can and can't do. i had put blossom back in the car at this point and took a few steps back to catch a few pics such a great face!!his mama was pretty chill as well. when we first saw them we went off trail and skirted around them. honestly, we probably could have just walked past. of course, skirting off trail in deep fresh snow ended up getting us a bit disoriented for a bit. we got off course and it took us a few minutes to find our way back to the original trail. oops!it's a rough world out there for moose when the snow gets deep and anchorage's population of moose grows double or more our summer numbers. i could tell this week that they are returning to town. easier to walk on plowed roads, streets and sidewalks than the deep snow of the mountains. will see more and more moose until break up and spring come.worked over the holiday. didn't seem too much like christmas really. work was steady, but not insane. made several phone calls to family in between shifts, which is always fun. was pretty sleepy all weekend and utilized a little cherry dr pepper to get through the nights. work is pretty much the only time i drink soda pop.don't think there is anything good about soda, except the caffiene. i never got used to the taste of coffee, i do like the smell of it. there is mama, eyeing me.blossom and ekko enjoy some happy snow time.rio stayed home as she will again today. that deep snow can't be too good on her joints.rio walked the monday walk yesterday so i tend to give her tuesdays off. we had fun day out there. i was super tired. that alarm sure comes early after working nights all weekend. i think a few people are impressed that i manage to get out for these monday walks after only 3 hours sleep. monday was kinda my christmas. the walk, then tanya, maddie and i went for hot cocoa and then there was a party at sandra's for boxing day. great way to wind down post holiday!pogi and ms breezy chatterbug chill in my office.this moose was in baxter bog here by my house. looks like a youngish moose out on her own. took the girls there a few times between shifts.snowing a bit.just some shots of the fresh snow in the early morning hours. i often wake, feed dogs, grab paper and head back to bed for a bit. dogs are used to getting fed when i return from work.my car has been buried several times this week. i was quite excited when i came home from work one day and the neighbor had shoveled. always a nice surprise!!back to the moose that made us go off trail snowshoeing the other day.amy doesn't seem to mind being a bit lost out there. ekko makes his way through the deep stuff. a bit tougher for the puppy than the big guys, but i think they all had a great day out there.these are back in the bog on christmas day.so happy i have this bog right by the house. it's awesome in between shifts to be able to get out and entertain the pups.blossom got some frisbee time in on the bigger bog pond. several other dogs from the neighborhood out for christmas walks that day as well.blossom is happiest covered by all forms of water!several people saw her mug in the newspaper the other week. so fun!!watched a few favorite christmas flicks and then i've been immersing myself into the various episodes of "the big bang theory", a christmas gift from the cats! bought seasons 1-4. great show. i tend to discover good sitcoms after they have been going for a bit. i grew up near caltech and my mom worked on campus as a secretarty for jet propulsion labratories. the show does tend to demonstrate the quirky nature of all those intelligent young students. that campus is very different than your regular college campus.driving to the monday walk. loved the sun.just lena and her family, tanya and maddie and me. the kids are out for the holiday break. fun to have them all along. lots of people out there enjoying a monday off from work so we took a different route. we went gasline to powerline to tank. then we took the parallel trails to tank back to cars. tanya got a bit of an early start to us and we were texting. i tried to text that i was heading to you and it came out as i was heading to toot! oops. those phones have a mind of thier own sometimes lena leads the pack, okay really i was. great time out there as usual though.maddie was upset as she was sure this walk was longer than she'd been told.miss maddiea few pictures from the party at sandra's. i was sleepy, but it was a fun time. carrie abovetanya, sharon, me and tiffany.jennifer, john and family joined as well. always a fun group to hang with. they apparently like to play pool so i promised to get that garage ready for a little pool time in january.the hostess, sandramaddie gets to enjoy some ipad time. katie shared. i may have to get myself one of those one of these days.sorry, so fast, but wanted to get these loaded. best be off and get my day started. great to sleep last night...much needed!

the shortest day....

2011-12-22T01:17:00.000-08:00

love, love, love winter solstice. today was just beautiful as well which really makes it awesome! finally got my butt moving this morning and took the dogs out to north bivouac for a loop of gasline-powerline-tank. was hoping to see denali as it was lovely in anchorage and frequently you can spy the big mountain through the winter more than in the summer. looked pretty cloudy out denali way though so no sightings. no matter. i headed out to potters marsh post walk as i could tell it would be lovely out there. wish i would have loaded up the kicksled...got it out of the shed and it's sitting behind the gate waiting to be loaded up. dang!! the ice at potters looks great for skating!loved the train bits sitting out there in the sunset.don't have much to say tonight so hopefully these sunset photos are enough to entertain. not sure many actually read the words anyway, which is fine. i tend to ramble alot.perfect ice out there! probably alot look same/similar but i get snap happy when it's pretty and none of them seem like throw aways. there were a few out there enjoying the skating. i was green with envy. okay not too green, but green enough. no jury duty again tomorrow. they didn't request anyone from our group. hoping for the same tomorrow. then that will be done for a bit. my civic duty. they pull the names in alaska from the permanent fund account. you want the money you make yourself available for jury duty. not that i'm opposed to it, like i said, it's the start time that scares me. i remember being very unimpressed when a guy i was interested in mentioned that he didn't register to vote in the state i previously lived in as he didn't want jury duty and in that state they pulled the juries from the vote registrar. i mean what idiot gives up thier right to vote to avoid jury duty. many people fought hard in this country to give us a right to vote. i don't take it lightly and get annoyed when people just blow it off. most do not vote though which is sad. so many people we share this earth with still have no rights in thier nations, they would be thrilled to be able to vote in a fair and safe election. this guy was a parent. seems like if you are a parent you have even more cause to be involved a bit and get out and vote. watched the classic movie of my generation, " a christmas story". always a fun flick. they tend to play it all day sometime around christmas eve or day, but since i'll be working i doubt i'll be doing much besides sleeping and walking the pups between shifts.probably should have gotten out and wandered about looking at christmas lights today. next year.there is that train again.as i drove further towards girdwood the sun went behind the mountains. i turned around.there are a few iceskaters out there on potters. i guess it was my other picture that showed one of them had thier kicksled out there. no matter. even though it's solstice there is still loads of winter left.my turnaround point.more train. there was a smart guy who got out and wandered closer in with his camera. didn't want to crowd him. several folks out there enjoying the day and taking pictures of this amazing sunset. these were taken between 2-3 pm i believe.my fingernails are growing like crazy, i think that is a sign of good health. seems like i have to trim them more often whereas before they always just seemed to crack off and break. still have never had a manicure or pedicure. the tracks are much more busy during tourist season. mt susitna (sleeping lady) is off in the distance. rio was a bit hesitant to join us today, but i'm happy she did finally get off that couch. she seems to be doing pretty well after her rough week. such a sweet pup. she is snoring happily on her bed in the office here. she follows me all over the place at home. just a few from todays walk.me again in one of those giant bulbs on the tank trail. so festive!not too much cool ice, but this was okay.blossom enjoys the sunshine on our short day! she enjoys her walks with her dog friends but i think she equally enjoys just being with me and rio. no competition for her toy and she can just play and relax. the malemutes tend to play a bit rougher than she does.one last picture of pogi and miss breezy chatterbug snuggles up together. love when the cats get along.Happy Solstice to all....

the weather outside is frightful....

2011-12-21T00:33:00.000-08:00

we've continued to have high winds and warmer temperatures here followed by chill and snow. the streets are coated with ice. my driveway is slick as snot. though i've never actually tested that theory so i really am not sure if ice is actually slicker than snot..i suspect it is. i've managed to stay upright, but it only takes one bad fall to alter your world. i bought some stuff this evening to lay on the driveway as that is my most dangerous place. i have shoes with tiny cleats which does help alot. we usually do not have this chinook wind weather to deal with but maybe once a winter. we'd all love for it to be done with for good.

someone did decorate out on the tank trail. so i took these pictures. you can see me in the one above. always looks so pretty out there on the trail.so i did make it on the monday walk this week. it's not that i would mind doing jury duty it's just that it starts so dang early. i work nights and the idea of waking at before 6 am to be downtown by 8am is terrifying. not sure i would manage it. i'm on day three though and so far i've been off the hook. i call each night and my number hasn't been called yet. it's getting closer though. hate making that call though. scarey! this moose madam was seen on todays walk. she was right by the trail, ears back and looked preggers to me. we all scooted off the trail into the deep snow to give her some space. in truth she didn't seem to impressed with the lot of us and we probably could have walked right by her. of course, one doesn't want to make those assumptions when a moose is involved. they are quite large and seem to get larger as they are charging towards you. i have been charged a few times and it's something i prefer to avoid. a group of us did rovers run today. somewhat eventful . we got yelled at by a woman as our dogs were off leash and this is a sin to some...illegal yes, i know. blossom is lovely off leash so i don't fret about her. i do understand that having a pack of dogs running towards you is not a comfortable feeling though so i feel badly when i know we've totally freaked/pissed off someone. honestly didn't expect many out there as it's a weekday and the wind was blowing pretty steady. everyone else was chill about the dogs. we ran into some bikers. they laughed as they run into us often and know who we are and recognize our dogs. small town really.blossom and i passed the moose pretty easily. i had left rio home today. she did the entire monday walk yesterday which is about 4 miles. i figured she'd be happy at home. the wind freaks her out anyway. so many scents flying through the air, can be a bit rough on her. she had scented out some moose on the monday walk as well. half the time i never see the moose that she smells. did finally realize that what i thought was some logs and fell trees were really a few moose lying down. they didn't seem bothered by us and were a bit off trail so the dogs didn't bother them.

the malamutes were giving amy and tanya fits in thier excitement to get through all that deep snow.

maddie joined us today as did tanya's old neighbor who was in town visiting. funny as i chatted with her old neighbor it came up that she moved to arcadia, california. this is right by my hometown of south pasadena. always funny. she is going to go to the rose parade for the first time. i do love that parade. we were spoiled by always having that one to go to as kids. after that any parade you seem is really just crap. there are a few things about california that i always enjoyed, that parade was one of them.

my exercise routine is totally blown of late. i will start the new years right with a renewed attendance at the pool. already making my new years resolutions! i think this crap weather makes you just want to hole up at night and not go back out. plus we are in our darkest days. so dark days and cloudy, windy skies are not a good combo. no excuses, i suck, but i promise to improve! the weather has been good for the economy. made it out shopping a bit today. went to costco and then took the pups to petsmart! time to get some stuff for local friends. they are always last. oh and me too! had to get a few gifts for me. the dogs always love it at petsmart. there is a new olive garden set to open soon in the same shopping area as the petsmart. haven't been to olive garden for years. will be nice for a change. seemed like i enjoyed it when i went.

you can see the moose above on the right side of picture and my friends scrambling to get around her on the left. the snow is crusted on top and punches through when you take a step. i think i followed in the bikers footsteps. i could see the tire tracks with foot prints next to them. easier to just step where they stepped and not punch through. that was my stradegy. today's crew. maddie is off for the holiday stretch. lena came yesterday with her 3 boys as well. i think we had 8 humans yesterday and maybe 6 dogs? we all enjoyed our hot cocoa at the kaladi's after. a few friends joined us there, bonita with her 2 kids and sandra. the kaladi's is always fun. of course, i added an app to my iphone that tanya suggested and got totally sucked into playing it that night. whirly word. i love word games. watched a few christmas movies the other night. "the grinch who stole christmas" i like the cartoon version better than the movie one. also watched, "the muppet christmas carol". should watch a christmas story tomorrow night. my movie watch days are a bit cut short due to work weekend. haven't made it out to look at christmas lights either as the wind and ice made that seem like a bad idea. baked cookies..a must for the holiday season. ekko does some yoga on the trail. the dictator of north korea died the other day and so his son will take over. what does that mean, remains to be seen. he could be better, he could be worse. who knows. looks pretty young. this is rio on the scent of a moose. normally she walks right behind me so when she takes off like this i start looking for moose. the debris from japans tsunami is expected to start hitting the shores of alaska soon. was thinking when we are dropped off on the remote beach in bristol bay this summer and wander the beaches there we may likely see some of the flotsam from this disaster. could be quite sad. the size of the flotsam was estimated in the paper to be twice the size of the state of texas and one boat said it took them 7 days to pass through it all. they did mention too that one should be careful with any flotsam found as it may have radioactive contamination. not sure i would like running across shoes with actual feet still inside them. the article did mention that one should give the flotsam the necessary reverence and respect due to the death and destruction that are connected with it. always a good reminder. i usually enjoy trolling beaches for flotsam, but this is not what i have in mind.the last of our troops have left iraq. i'm happy about that. they remain in afghanistan of course, but it's a start. hopefully, iraq doesn't become a mess post withdrawl. one just hopes the best for all those people. life has been very hard on the people of the middle east is seems for so many years, such a harsh environment. hopefully, it's a part of our history that we can leave in the past. i hope too that the people of iraq can find a way to leave the violent history they've existed in in the past as well. my thoughts go with all those who lost lives in this conflict/war and to thier families. also to all those who were injured or continue to suffer from post traumatic and the various issues that come from spending time in a war zone. i can't imagine and hope i never have to live through such a thing. i have been blessed i know. so many on our earth suffer through war after war and all the anguish that comes with it.a couple was found dead in kipnuk. the baby was found alive apparently. no news as to what happened. the family went to check on them and found the scene. the village only has just over 600 people. most of these smaller villages have no police force and rely on safety officers. the safety officers generally are not armed at all. they report to the state troopers who then fly out to investigate or deal with issues. a gunman could hold a village hostage awaiting aide. weather can always prevent that help from arriving as well. luckily, i live in the big city of alaska and we have all the conveniences that come with a larger city. guess i should get to bed. 3 nights, 3 calls and i've been lucky so far. just have 2 more nights to call. panic, panic! tomorrow is solstice...well i guess today is. Happy Solstice and welcome back to the sun as it slowly returns to us. you have been missed. i always enjoy winter solstice more than summer. in the summer i get a bit sad knowing that the sun is going away again. not complaining. i love alaska and the daily change in light is part of it as is the long winters. but i'm going to be a happy girl today knowing that we've hit our darkest hour and now the days will lengthen.

begining to look alot like christmas...

2011-12-18T01:21:00.000-08:00

a few of us monday walkers gathered at bob and tanya's for a little fun and frivality. they cooked up some tasty bbq salmon with a tasty buttery sauce from The Gustavus Inn where we dined this past summer. just a relaxing and fun evening. i made a bit of an oreo salad. of course, this recipe was originally created by my brother, jeff. he always starts with a bed of lettuce for the salad part and i forgot to pick up the oreo's. oh well, i improvised. maddie had her eye on that giant kiss as soon as she spied it.still haven't taken rio on any long walks. today we did the dog park, this day we just walked up patterson and back. rio always stops at this fence in hopes her buddy keva will be out. no luck that day. she continues to do great and i swear her appetite is increased from before she was ill.the stockings are hung, though st nicholas seems to neglect us. not even coal, just forgotten and empy stockings each christmas morning. so sad. the santa of my youth always packed those full with candy, an orange and fun little cheesy toys. of course, once you figured out the whole santa deal you were relegated to elf duties. 7 kids, i'm sure my mom loved putting the older kids to work. my tree is already pretty dead. my dad used to torture my mom by waiting until the trees would be bargainable. we had the whole family coming for christmas eve dinner so my mom was in a panic that the tree wouldn't be decorated in time. she always insisted on those lead icicles. i'm sure hanging all that lead over all those years is the reason i'm a nurse not a doctor and was a vet tech instead of a vet. haha. i recall her great disappointment when the lead icicles went off the market. the non lead icicles just never hung right. as for the trees. they were always a sight to behold once my dad was done repairing them in the garage. so from the tree lot to the garage. my dad would remove limbs that didn't belong and relocate them to places on the tree that could use more coverage. rio was more cooperative in the santa hat photo, but this one came out okay. only had nanoseconds to snap the shot before blossom removed said hat.since the dogs are of no use in tree decorating and the cats are more helpful at tree undecorating i brought in an expert again. maddie has assisted with tree decoration for several years now. it's a nice little tradition. she gets to open a few gifts and search for the cats, who always hide when guests come by. the latest ornament to grace my animals only tree. love my little cozy home! baked up some cookies for the tree decorator, which i think she approved of. work is over for a few days...i'll be working the christmas holidays. i also have jury duty starting monday morning. i call each night to see if i must show up downtown. so i'll find out tomorrow if i will miss the monday walk this week.

those last few nights went fine this week. really wished i could have gotten resident pay. i say that when i have a resident to deal with that wears me out! most are fine, but this one didn't listen to a dang thing i said, was over thinking all, but not getting it. eventually, i called the intensivists and let her know this resident was in over her head and asked for orders. there are many ways to do everything in medicine, but you can make a mess of it all if you just cherry pick from a variety of sources. just pick one and stick with it. if i heard what harriet lane would do one more time i was going to throttle the chick. if you don't understand something when you are in a learning environment, figure it out, don't just try and find some second rate solution. we even argued a bit...i mentioned a little something i think they teach you in all of medicine called, do no harm!! just because i have means to bring a blood sugar back up if it tanks doesn't mean that i plan on purposely making it tank so that i will have to correct it and put the patient at risk in the meantime. after i got the orders and got her more sorted out she says something like, "WE weren't factoring in the ketones"....i was all, not WE. don't drag me into this. i knew what WE were supposed to be doing. tanya, sandra and karen enjoy the cheese and chocolate fondue! nummy!!will have to try and do my annual drive around town looking for cool house lights. watched a show for a few minutes on these crazily decorated homes. some people go all out with it. they start decorating prep in early october. tanya always loved my little coffee table in my living room. it sinks in and allows for a display of my shell collection. she finally found a table for herself. i brought her back some new shells last year for part of her christmas gift. looks good. maddie broke into the chocolate kiss much to her parents dismay. they feared chocolate revenge at 3am. didn't hear about any late night issues as a result of her chowing down on her supersized kiss. she looked pretty happy eating it though. got the last of the packages sent off today. yippee! drove past the muldoon post office and it was packed, the parking lot was insane so i opted to head to the ace hardware store. it has a little post office depot inside. it's manned by ace hardward employees. everyone was happy, helpful and efficient. there was a line, but it didn't take me more than maybe 20 minutes. as you waited another worker came by from time to time with a tray filled with homemade fudge samples. they sell fudge there too i guess. that doesnt' happen at the usual USPS. then off to the dog park with the pups. oddly, we didn't see anyone we knew there. quite unusual. the dogs still enjoyed themselves though. blossom even went for a little dip.the little foot bridge always looks so pretty in the various seasons.joined sandra tonight for a movie. we both were excited to see the newest sherlock holmes flick. for me it started out slow, but quickly built up on the excitement level. we both really enjoyed it and we both enjoyed watching robert downey in the part. it's one you have to watch a few times to get all the lines. loved the first one as well.there was a trio of moose that showed up at the dog park today. i haven't seen moose there for a bit. didn't get great pictures. should have taken video.a mama and her two babies...so cute.this is where i should have switched to video. these dogs started to harass this young moose and she took off after them soon after this picture was taken. many dogs do get a good booting from moose up here. these guys got lucky. mama moose headed out to chase off the dogs as well, then they all headed back into the woods a bit. pogi and ms breezy were snuggled up together on this wicker chair. pogi is polydactyl so his feet look so huge compared to hers.it's getting late so i think i shall turn in. hope everyone is enjoying the season. this is my favorite part, when all the business of christmas is done and i can just enjoy the music, lights and spirit of it all. bought a new celtic christmas cd which i'm enjoying.

i have faith...

2011-12-17T03:23:00.001-08:00

that every day brings new joy and great beauty, that despite the bad that happens in this world there is much more good that happens. that you can look at the same scenery day after day and it can seem more beautiful and powerful each time you gaze upon it. that a spirit can be strong, no matter how weak it feels. that love can be kind, and enduring and safe. that the smallest of kindness can reach the deepest reaches of a heart. that money and material things can only bring you happiness if you are generous with it. that we all have lessons to learn and a chance to learn them. that through pain and sorrow comes strength and learning. that change is scarey, but if you are willing to let go, release those fears, you will come out more joyous on the other end. that the people who seem to have it all and know it all are often more frightened than anyone. that happiness comes from being true to who you are. that if you are willing to accept others for who they are, they will accept you for who you are. that true friends will help you laugh when you want to cry and will cry with you when you can't laugh. that the sun will rise and fall as will the tides. that hope requires no education, no money and no fame or fortune, it just requires faith...that what is can change, that what isn't may be, that what is lost can be found, that all are worthy of happiness and love.