That is me, in all my imperfect glory.
Born in the seventh position, and I'm not sure I have spent much of my life above the 7th spot. That is the reality for many out there, I'm sure. Never being #1 to anyone. Truth is, even if you believe you are number one to someone, they may come to prove that was never true.
I learned long ago that trusting others to put you first is a big gamble. It rarely works out that way. Some of us will never really rise to that position unless we are willing to put ourselves there and see ourselves as our own #1.
I wouldn't mind occasionally feeling higher up the ladder to others though. Most of the time, as a single person, you have to accept the lowest tier on the ladder of life. As you get older, people get married, have kids, those kids get married and have kids. You just move further down the ladder. When you start out on the lowest rung, the way down can feel like a hole in the ground that can swallow you up.
The pets have always put me high up the rung, though.
Truth is, some days that struggle with your lack of position in others' lives is more of a struggle. Do you keep inviting others to do things, calling others first, texting others first? If you dare complain, you risk being moved even further down because now you are a bother.
It can be tough, though, seeing that you're the one to always start the text, do the invite. Couldn't they just take some initiative? Do they not value you like you value them. The mind games can be tricky.
My reality is that once I step back, I fall off the cliff. The efforts are so obviously more on my side. If I stop, I'll be completely alone. I've been trying to find some balance in not always being the one to put in that first text/call/step. I have some self-respect. Really, though, that just means I'm going to be alone a lot more. That is how this summer has been.
The reality is depressing some days. I've spent a lifetime wallowing in/out of depression. Some of my earliest memories are of not fitting in. Watching Rudolph as a kid each year, I knew I belonged on the island of misfit toys. By the time I was 10/11, I knew my family would be better off without me. That I was just not valued. I did not understand what suicide was at that age, but I was sure my death would be of zero consequence. Sent notes on many occasions to my mother in the pocket of a stuffed bear. When I did, she would come in and tell me she loved me. Probably would have been in a psych unit these days. Somehow I muddled through it all.
I have had suicide ideation/thoughts for much of my adult life. It's just an add-in thought that passes through my thought process regularly, daily most of the time. Others say, " Um, " or "like", my brain says,"I kill myself". Oddly, the last few years that has switched to "he kills himself". I'm just happy my brain has moved on to someone else killing themselves. No idea who that he is.
Despite those random thoughts that live in my head, I have never once made any attempt on my life in my 60 years, so please do not make a call on my behalf.
My life has worth; overall, I love each and every day of it. My brain just reacts the way it does. I do not say that for sympathy. That is just how this brain works.
I have had several friends say that one thing they like about me is that, basically, they don't have to do anything. I just show up for them. I'm just saying I sometimes do need others to put in the effort and show up for me.
On to other things. work. It's work. Some days better than others, mostly, counting days until I don't work anymore. Nursing can be tough but can also be great. I do not regret the choice to become a nurse. It's just that I'm on this end of it. It's exhausting work. Work where you do not feel appreciated, especially by those in the offices above you. I am hitting 25 years at this job, and I got a pin and $200 to shop at a very specific gift store and got called out for demanding safe conditions for my patients. That is nursing. A lot of effort with minimal obvious rewards.
They were trying to give me higher acuity patients in the hold area in the ER alone. I don't think it's safe or practical. I currently have zero PTO. that is how i go much of the time. uti last week, on call's...the other day they did let me do education stuff. it took me 6 hours +, so good to get caught up on that nonsense. it is nonsense though.
Took trips to Valdez and Homer since last I wrote. Weather not optimal this summer, lots of rain, but still beautiful and great fun. Just the dogs and me. Now pondering my fall drive. I'm thinking of Denali Highway followed by Chicken side trip. Looks like I may be able to find lodging at Maclaren and Tok. A few long drives but hoping for beautiful scenery.
It has been a wet one this summer. Saved money on gas, though I guess. No point driving longer distances just to be in different rain. Lots of bear activity these last few summers. Not sure if there is more bear activity as the years progress, or if we just have more access to the activity due to the internet. Being alone on the trails does make you more aware of the bear activity. I would rather not get attacked by a bear.
had an adult cat as a foster for the past month. She just returned to the shelter in hopes she will find a home. She'd been hit by a car and was pregnant. She lost all her babies and had surgery to remove the femoral head. Hoping she will be able to keep the leg. She was a sweetheart, Jam-Jams. She would have had beautiful kittens.
several local walks this year, keeping it close.
Started swimming. Thinking that will help my joints. hoping to do some weight training eventually and add in some exercise bikes or whatever. Signed up with YMCA. Swimming was going well, but the pool is currently closed for their annual maintenance, and I got a UTI, probably from the pool. So not a perfect start, but hopefully I keep at it over the winter. have had lots of pain issues this summer with my toe. plantar plate issues, and general knee pain. Mostly due to general aging, no doubt.
Makes me grateful that I have had all the adventures I have had. Feel bad for people who put off doing things until they get older. You really just never know how your body will be when you get older. It's all about eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow you may die. It's true. When I was young, I told myself, keep moving, or you are dead. I also saw a quote this last week: better to be the oldest on the trail than the youngest in the nursing home.
Big picture, my life has been great. Day to day can have its moments though.
The family is having another reunion. I have come to love the peace in my life. Large groups stress me out. Even the thought of large groups stresses me out. I told them I would not be joining. Of course, I was added to the group text. I have not interacted at all in this group text. It's made me happy with my decision. All the drama and all the confusing texts. It's just too much for me, and the truth is I'm not really sure how much it matters if I'm there. I'd rather visit in smaller groups with people who want to be around me. Big groups just overwhelm me. Last time I felt, often, like I was anxious and running around in a fog. Reality is big groups just do not lend themselves well to intimate conversations. I do not do well with small talk, and I really barely know most of the people in my extended family, and they certainly do not show interest in knowing me well.
The current politics continues to be the hell we knew it would be. Slowly, some of his followers discover how his policies hurt them personally. Sadly, the only way people like that wake up is when it hurts them personally. explains history a lot. There is a group of idiots who will sit back and allow horrific things to happen to others until late, late down the road it starts to impact enough of them that perhaps they do start to take action. We are not there yet. We all get dragged down to the rock bottom because of the stupidity and selfishness of a few. They just cannot learn from others. When drug addicts and alcoholics are said to hit rock bottom before they can recover, we are really only speaking of these people. For many, the only rock bottom is death and/or total destruction. The drug addicts and alcoholics that turn themselves around before the worst have another personality perhaps that can see the consequences and step away themselves without having to hit that lowest point. They discover their actions are becoming an issue for themselves or those they love, and they just stop, many cold turkey. They never understand why others don't or can't do this. maybe this is it??
going to go for a walk and hope this is still here later. had a friend join which my soul needed. looks like the blog saved so here i go.
currently, I'm on a bit of a scavenger hunt. There are feathers upstairs; no bird yet. may be a good reason to do a bit of cleaning!
my family is fur, not feathers!
These photos are a variety from this summer. Below is cotton fluff from the cottonwood trees. There are also some photos from Valdez in here. Powerline, dog park. I do get out most days.
The other day Sunny Boy did something very unbecoming of a poodle. It bought both dogs a bath. Lots of gagging for me. He found some human shit near the trailhead. So disgusting. They are both a bit cleaner now
These are Powerline Trail. It's a great spot to go wildflower hunting.
Today started out wet, but it has cleared and is a bit windy. I'll get looking at planning my fall drive after I finish this. Gotta pay the bills as well, put the spare room back together post foster care and....look for the dead bird!
Below is a stop at the conservation center. They have put up some new stuff for the tourists to enjoy. I had to check it out. i think this was on the way to Homer. wasn't able to stop at the glacier with the dogs since there were baby birds, and so they restricted the dog access.
Headed to Hatchers finally the other day; I had my UTI at the time, so I did short walks between bathroom breaks. I had 24 hours of AB's on board so that helped a little.
Odd summer that way. I have only headed to Seward once, and that was to catch a boat. The weather and wind looked perfect; there was a big fog bank over the water. Strange, eerie, but also cool. We wandered in the fog a bit but did find a cool pod of orcas. Not great photos, but cool sighting
I do love to get out on the water and see what is out there. Always something fun to see.
Above is inside the new education building at the conservation center in Portage. Below, on sunny days, the ER often goes outside the ambulance bay to do our huddle before the shift starts.
kitten litter, the one prior to the solo mama cat.
named this group after stuff related to the Bondi Beach lifeguard reality tv show. i've never watched the show but clips kept coming up in reels so have enjoyed those.
Bondi, Tamarama, Chappo and Clubbies. Mom was Amora. Beautiful bunch. Mom came thin and ill. Ended up giving Mom and a few kittens SQ fluids and meds. They looked great when I returned them to head to Valdez or Homer. Not sure which was first. hmmm
Outside, look at the new building in Portage at the AWCC.
Little Clubbies was the runt and had extra toes. The sick/weak ones always tug at your heart. So happy when they get feeling better and head on their way to a new life. I still trick myself into believing they all find perfect homes and have wonderful lives. They live on in my heart as kittens forever. I did have a few get adopted by friends of friends in the group litter before with the two moms. They send some photos as they grow up, which has been lots of fun. Very rewarding taking in these kittens and moms.
It can be very stressful as well. It was kind of nice to have one generally healthy, litter-trained cat for this past month. Do miss the kittens a bit, though.
Below is Amora. She was a sweet cat as well.
More of just walks and rambles. I always feel better after a walk, unless the dog rolls in human poop. My toes and knees have just made the bigger hikes less enjoyable this summer. I never loved peaking. Loved the views but not the uphill as much. we are going camping in a public use cabin to start September. Eklutna. that should be fun.
I think this may be Portage Valley. I did the Byron Glacier Hike recently and Trail of Blue Ice. Wanted to see the red salmon making their way. I also did a walk in Girdwood that week. I always think I've done nothing and then I see the pictures and realize I've been out a lot. Every year I enjoy this place; the adventures may not be as extravagant or adventurous, but I never tire of the beauty here.
love to watch documentaries. saw one recently about a woman killed or driven to her death by her perverted pastor husband. Often religion collects some very demented people. They protect themselves in religion to collect victims. I'd much rather be outside than in the walls of churches. I look back and am so happy I haven't wasted hours of my life behind church doors.
Dolly Parton passed away. We keep losing the good souls, and the bad people seem to live forever. She lived a generous and kind life. She was genuine and not afraid to be eccentric and outlandish. I have been hearing stories about her all week and listening to music. She started life out one of a dozen kids, very poor. She never forgot who she was and always seemed willing to give to others. She gave millions of books to kids, and her legacy will live on for years, a legacy of beauty and joy.
Another loss was Tim Curry. he was an actor who starred in the cult film Rocky Horror. I was lucky enough to meet him a few times, as he brought his dog into the Eagle Rock Emergency Vet Clinic I worked at for years in L.A, as a Veterinary Technician. That was before I became a nurse. His dog had gotten into antifreeze. Back then, we mixed vodka with IV fluids and gave that as the treatment. Kept the dog drunk for several days until the toxin was gone. Mr Curry was very pleasant to work with, as was his dog.
There are a few folks who would do the world a favor by dying, but no such luck at this time. fingers crossed. Many have said the Grim Reaper got it wrong this week.
Little Chappo, like Clubbies were the big leg climbers in this group. they wanted to eat in my lap. so cute.
grateful for: A. all the adventures of my life. I've been so happy to be able to see and do so much. you get to make the most of your life if you want to. sad to see folks waste this life in some futile and desperate quest for a heaven that probably isn't real. there is enough heaven here if you just get out and be open to it. B. the people who do show up in my life, stick around and like me despite my many quirks, crazy ideas and neediness. those who actually take the time to get past that stuff and meet the real me. C. my furs and the furs that come and stay for a bit.
