Holy Heat, Batman!!!

 figured I'd put in some more cool Icy photos from kayaking in Harriman Fjord from May.  we had some great ice bergs to cruise around.  must be calving like crazy right now with all this heat. 

 Anchorage hit 90 degrees which is a major record. no global warming here...liberal hoax....haha! place has been warming for years but what do facts and science know about anything.  seems like it would be wiser to over react and use all our best skills to do what we can to combat this...the other alternative is to do nothing and destroy the earth further for future generations...but i don't have kids so why should i worry about it, right?  seems like those with kids would be more concerned with making sure this planet is able to take care of their progeny. 

 patterns are changing all over the place.  hard for me to imagine that millions and millions of humans on the earth wouldn't have an impact..that we could just tear out millions of acres of ecosystems and build roads and buildings and that wouldn't have an impact. it's amazing how much has changed in our earth since the industrial revolution, even just in my lifetime.   of course, those with money will survive longer and those who are pushing the no global warming crap have money.....so who cares as all the poor turn on each other and die off...the world is due for a big die off and it may as well be the poor folks i guess. 

 what is always so odd to me is combine this with the intense focus on no abortions...i mean forcing the poor to breed ( i mean we all know no matter what law you enact those who are wealthy will still find the way to get abortions when ever they desire them).  there is an intense focus on all babies being born...yet those same folks do not wish to support those babies once they are born...budget cuts to education, healthcare being a privilege, cut offs that support housing, food for the poor...i mean if you are poor they do not wish to help you...they also do not want you to use birth control. i mean i hear no options except do not have sex...clearly with the population explosion constantly happening on this earth...that is not a rational option.

 they do need the poor to fight their wars for them...again, the wealthy get off with "bone spurs".  they love to praise the military because they want to keep the poor joining up.....and if they can make it all about patriotism then even better...it's not their kids going off to war to die.  as the earth warms there will be less to go around and more battles will ensue.

 i finished up three nights of work, all in the ICU of course, that is my main area for a bit.  that is how that goes.  the nights were not bad at all so can't complain.

 the worst part of the second night was the smoke.  not only do we have the huge fire on the Kenai to deal with we had a fire more close to home...within like 5 miles from my place.  a bit closer to the hospitals.  i think it burned like 25 acres but that is in Anchorage.  the hospitals vent system began sucking all that smoke in and it was super bad. i ended up having to use my inhaler. 

 I've been taking it easy on walks when i haven't gone out of town.  today i drove a few different directions before giving up since the smoke seemed to look worse no matter which direction i went.  ended up at Little Campbell Lake for swim time.  folks around here are filling up any water hole they can find to try and cool off.

 i actually woke early but could not get myself moving and out of bed...so my fault, mornings and later evenings are the time to be out. 

 they have mostly contained the wild fire in anchorage...thanks to all the crew and first responders.  sadly, someone started a fire today near that other fire...that person has been arrested.  that fire controlled as well.

 the 4th of July passed very quietly as they put a ban on all fires and fireworks. people must have followed the rule..seeing flames shooting up high in town maybe gave folks pause.  so a kind of strange 4th with no celebrations...it was great actually.  not a fan of loud fireworks...i hear they have means of making more silent fireworks...for like 30 years now.

 these are from a beach we landed on for lunch on our day paddle to Surprise Glacier.

 i have mostly just hit the dog park other than today.  done lots of tennis ball time in the yard along with hose time...the pups are fans of both. 

 I'd sleep downstairs because it's cooler but i fear Ivy would just keep dropping the tennis ball on me and pawing me so sleeping would not really happen. 

 stopped by the store and bought some shorts...actually bought some in the men's department...shorts for women to sleep in are usually tight or super short. 

 CA is dealing with some earthquakes...the quake today was a 7.1...like ours was.  thankfully, it was further away from a really populated area.  feel bad for those closer.  totally know what they must be going through tonight...all those aftershocks.  the quake was a bit east, between LA and Fresno. 

 sounds like by the time it hit LA area is was fairly rolling . sounds like several are already complaining of symptoms that sound like the earthquake hangovers i have experienced.  those were first described after a big quake in Japan. 

 bought a new MilePost.  gotta buy one every few years...they get all trashed in my car.  thinking of heading towards Valdez....get out of the smoke and explore.  not liking the idea of being in a hot tent but that is probably the most practical.  way cheaper. 

 i spent my 4th sleeping.  i think i woke up after 3:30.  always seem to sleep best the day i do not return to work...when i should set my alarm and wake up early to turn around. i usually wake up between 1-2:30 so a bit late.  often I'll set the alarm for more like 12:30 when I'm not having to work.  flip back to a more normal schedule....of course, here it is after midnight and I'm writing.

 play time with the ice bergs. haha.

 missed the big military show in DC...so bummed. haha.  he read off the prompter for the most part...always funny since they always blasted Obama for that.  we have all learned that the GOP members can do no wrong even if it's illegal or unethical and the Dems will be taking to task for using the wrong mustard (deemed pretentious ) or daring to wear a tan suit. 

 he did wander off script long enough to praise the revolutionists for taking control of the airports...no planes back in the 1700's that i know of.  they knew the media was all over this being a partisan celebration so they wanted to prove the media wrong by staying on script i suspect.  it rained, crowds not as big as expected, mostly because they did such a lousy job organizing the event.  last minute...VIP tickets given away at last minute only to GOP and GOP donors.

 Iran plans to work on uranium enrichment...at least the agreement was working to keep this from happening.  this iitoo creates drama and send us to the edge of disaster over and over, then when things calm down he capitalizes on it and pretends that he somehow fixed the problem that he created...even though he didn't actually fix or change anything...but his crowds go wild believing he did. 

 the GOP keeps plugging away at their racist agenda...no, not all GOP voters are racists...but the thing is...those in DC are pandering to a racist leaning agenda.  the white nationalists have been warning of a browning of our nation for decades now..they want to prevent this from happening...they can't by the way.  they screamed that Obama was only letting in Muslims and was against Christians...lies.  but even if this is true..they are against Christians too...most of those coming across our Southern Border that they are locking in cages and looking the other way at the deplorable conditions they are in...are Christians. 

 this administration has stoked fear and taken away help to central American nations out of spite and at the urging of his racist leaning aides....the end result is that more and more folks are trying to enter before he completely shuts the border.  the coyotes are playing on the iitoo fear mongering and inciting fear in folks who are in desperate situations.  Obama actually had the numbers down coming across the border.  just another GOP induced disaster. 

 my hand below behind ice...came out all distorted from the ice.

 the iitoo did the same with NK.  created a hostile situation that pulled everything close to action...then gives the dictator a free photo op...what was gained on any of this for the US...nothing.  then he lies yet again and claims that Obama tried for 8 years to get a meeting with NK dictator...all it did was legitimize a killer. 

 he also had yet another meeting with his boss Put, who knows what was said.  he did jokingly wag his finger at Put and laughed something about him not interfering with our elections. 

 would be great to be on the water right now...the dogs would no doubt tip over the kayak though. would they stay in a canoe i wonder?  hmm...

 some guy was trying to convince his older dog to climb into the canoe he had...the dog was a no go.  it did swim, which the owner said was a first....must be the heat!

 protesters were out the other day to protest the vetoes by our mini trump Governor.  he wants to tear up the budget...well we must protect all gas and oil perks however.  he's out to destroy the arts council, the benefits for elders, the ferry system, the education system, including an over 40% cut to the University system...sending the next generation south, never to return for their education needs.

 the ice, particularly on this day was incredibly beautiful. 

 there is good ice in Valdez on the lake.  last year i took the little summer excursion across the lake to hike on the glacier.  it was pretty fun.  with the dogs and it being so hot that won't happen this year. last year i left them home for a weekend. 

 with a sitter of course.  need to look at tickets for possible Sitka trip.  it's getting late...I've been a slacker i know. 

 we are getting back on the water after our lunch break. 

 i hit the water first so i circled the ice and took photo's of friends coming around it. 

 just loved the light on a few of these...totally got lucky.

 adding a kayaker in there adds to the shot i think...gives some idea of size as well.

 what you see is only a small part of the ice. you have to be careful for small calvings or flipping. 

 a bald eagle flies past us.

 debated heading South tomorrow...drive through the awful smoke down to Homer.  always tempting. 

 more cool ice.

 loved how jagged this one was.

 guess i shall go attempt to sleep in this heat.  hopefully, i have some Valdez photo's to share in a few days.

thankful for: A.  the Anchorage fire was so rapidly contained. B.  no fireworks on the 4th of July!!  C.  those who were able to get to the protest...i was between shifts.

rantings of a misfit lunatic....warning...

 i got worked up in the shower.  I'm a tad annoyed, irritated, angry, hurt....it's just how it is some days.  one of these things is not like the others and clearly that thing that doesn't fit is me. 

 it's why i left to begin with.  i had a job interview in South Dakota and  i was sitting in the hotel room weighing my options.  move to a place where i knew not a soul or return home and stay where i had family. 

 these are all in Harriman in front of Surprise Glacier by the way.

 as I wrote out my pro/con list i worried that i may be lonely living where i knew not one person...but then it occurred to me that i was surrounded by family and i was already lonely.  i decided it was worse to be surrounded by people who you should feel that connection to and don't than to just be on your own.

 the disconnect wasn't new.  in felt like i didn't belong for years...as a child watching Rudolph i knew that i belonged on the land of Misfit Toys.  in my pre teen years i wrote notes over and over to my mom  expressing how much i felt like i didn't belong. my mom tried, but i suspect she just never really grasped the weight of how that felt for me.  maybe that is why I'm alone...i learned early that it's worse to be with people who should make you feel connected and don't, than to be alone.

 my folks were tired.  i was the youngest of 7 kids.  they were stressed and overwhelmed.  i get that, but i think those of us at the bottom of the line paid for it.

 i was in Texas recently.  i do not recall any of my siblings saying Gosh, Betsy will be down from AK we should all go see her.  we should fly in and make it a family visit.  can't blame them really, i am not a part of this family really...not in any normal way.  for years i do feel i put in effort.  when there was communication between myself and many siblings, it started with me. there are now several who have made greater efforts in this...but the truth is it's hit and miss and i could be dead for days/weeks and the only way it would be noted would be when i didn't show up to work.  i miss my mom for that especially, we spoke every day.  we checked in with each other...that is gone.

 i had hope that if i tried hard enough that connection would happen.  it has, at least to some degree, with several of my siblings.  with others though.  that connection, the frayed attempts at a connection, seem to have severed completely and it feels there is no hope of building any connection at all. 

 for a few, there just never really was a connection so there is no basis to make an attempt. i suspect i was an easy punching bag for one in particular.  i always took the bait and he loves to argue.  it's my fault, i should have just let him win all the arguments, not started at all (that is what everyone else does). i mean it is pointless.  he believes he is always right anyway.  he has no interest in growing from a discussion, the only goal is to completed destroy the person who is foolish enough to take the bait and attempt to show him another point of view.  i was that fool.

 not sure if that lack of a connection early in life made it easier to direct his frustration with things he didn't agree with others on towards me...but it seems that is how it is.  was it because i left a church that a few of them wanted to leave as well. i questioned my choice repeatedly. in the end, i left because for me it was the right thing.  not sure why those two both had times when they wanted to leave and then stayed.  more deeply entrenched, more committed, fear....that is more about them than me...but was i the scape goat for what they didn't do? what they couldn't do?

 visits to family have not been common but i can assure you that many have ended up with conflict.  how many times can you repeat the same thing over before you wonder why you are doing it.  so not only do i often feel a disconnect, i am often attacked when i have gone for a visit.  i do not believe i have deserved the attacks necessarily. it just seems like that is  how it is.  it's a percentage thing...like the old experiments...when you get stung over and over with a negative response you move away from the source...avoid it to save yourself.

 innocently bought Dodger Tickets and then was accused of some attempt at manipulation. sitting in a driveway because if i really wanted to see my family i would just attend church with them.  attempt to visit with brother only to have him work late, then go to the gym.  he ignored his wife's many attempts to get in touch to make even dinner plans.  when you don't see folks very often the negative experiences add up. those tickets are not cheap, who wants to spend their vacations arguing or dodging arguments.  i don't...

 it's painful because i know they had more fun with me not there this week than they would have with me.  the conflict would have been laying under the surface, waiting to come to blows.  they see the world differently than i do so it's me, not them that doesn't work.  that doesn't mean it's not painful for me to know this.  to know that there is no normal that feels safe really. it's painful to feel disconnected from people whom you wish you had a deeper connection to. 

 of course, i was invited.  pretty last minute...a few days ago.  that was their obligation.  to invite...I'm always invited..that is what he said to me. "you have always been invited to all family events.  you have been the one to choose not to participate.  you will continue to be invited but it's your call to be part of the family or not".  so yes, there it is.  i was invited...being invited and feeling welcomed are very different things....right before that sentence i was accused of being "hyper holier than thou"...that is welcoming.  still my choice, he's right. 

 that was over a year ago.  i do not see any way forward at this time.  one of these things is not like the other...that thing is me.  so i back further away. feeling less connected each year.  at some point, you have to save yourself. 

 i am in some ways, hermit like.  i do not thrive in social situations.  that doesn't mean that i do not feel hurt, that i do not feel lonely at times.  that it doesn't hurt when there is minimal interest to visit me on my rare trips south, yet when a person who couldn't be bothered to even attempt to make a fairly short drive comes to town, they all rush out to buy tickets and plan a gathering.   that the times that i do visit can be filled with frustration and anger and rejection and disrespect. it's not them it's me.  they all get along...it's me that doesn't work. 

 my life is simple here.  dogs are a source of peace, safety and comfort for me.  they do not judge, they do not argue, they have low expectations.  they do not feel me a fool for my views or choices...the adore me.  i have not felt any adoration since my mom passed.  a mother is generally your biggest fan.  we didn't always see eye to eye....but she created me and she had unconditional love for me.

 when your mom dies so goes your unconditional love...human anyway.  the dogs seem to have a pretty high opinion of me. 

 of course, right now i suspect they'd really love for me to get off the computer and take them for a walk. 

 i needed to rant.  part of me wished i was there with family because there are several that i do feel more of a connection to.  those that i appreciate for trying to keep a connection despite the many things we don't see eye to eye on...but i hope they forgive me. 

 i do believe that it was better with out me there.  the boiling water under the surface was bound to rise up and explode.  it's always better without me there when it's everyone.  not sure some relationships can be healed.  too much has happened.  too much anger beneath the surface...like a geyser it's always waiting to explode. 

 it's me and not them...i can accept that.  it's why i ended up so far away no doubt.  to give them peace to live their lives without the reminder that i walked away from it all.

 this is one of my favorite pictures of the week...SJ and TE at peace.

 so this weekend was sad for me.  missing out yet knowing that me being there would have ruined the fun they did have.  I'm invited but i know it's better without me...that years ago this family moved forward without me as a participant.  that it is more painful to pretend. i can't pretend that being there can be just a wee bit more painful for me than being away...so it tears me up.  the gap between what you wish were the reality and what is the reality.

 truth hurts sometimes but it is what it is. I've done things, they've done things. 

 sometimes the best gift you can give is peace.  without me there they can have peace too.

 i will find my peace in the woods or on the sea.  these pictures are my peace. 

 this world in the north is my peace.

 for generations family members have walked away from the typical family unit to explore the world beyond.  i like to believe that i would have been  more like those explorers of years past.  striking out, turning away from what was normal.

 it's been a good life.  i love it, but choices always come with sacrifices. no one can have it all.  they can pretend they do, but we all lose and gain.

 i did not fit in...not to the church, not to big city life, not even in the typical family unit system. 

 that makes me the freak though.  i am the one who walked away so any pain i have as a result of that is my own. 

 we make choices, we live with those choices and overall i believe myself happy with those choices...but every so often there is an event or a weekend that makes you question those choices.  brings you pain for those choices...

 so today i ranted. 

 because i wish that there was more respect for my choices, more acceptance.  more attempts by others to help bridge the divides that exist.

 we do not control any one but ourselves though so i need to be better at not feeling anger in these moments...not turning to hurt. not making it more personal than it is.  none of them connected those things or had any ill intentions...it was me that felt that.

 it's just frustrating to feel disconnected and to feel that you don't belong. to not know how to bring together what seems forever ripped apart.  to be powerless i guess.  we can't control others only our reaction to others.  at this point my reaction has become avoidance. 

 that is failure on my part as well.

 i do not see any other way.  in some ways that is just a form of self preservation.

 part of our group went much closer to the face of the glacier. i was in the middle and TE stayed further back than I.  he said he had his wife's voice in his head...she doesn't like to get closer. 

 i feel accepted by friends...for who i am.  we don't have all that history i guess.

 or maybe family relations  just come with more expectations.  decades of incidences have added up and can just become too much to overcome. 

 so i worked but there was a part of me that was ripped apart a bit...wishing i was there, but knowing i didn't belong really. 

 was back in ICU for my first night. the jokes have been flying that i am "owned by ICU" at least for the summer since they are short staffed...i finally stopped by the house supervisors office....said i do love ICU but i needed a night off. i had heard we are being pre-assigned there...seemed odd since they were then putting their own staff on call. 2/3rd through that second shift an ICU nurse was called in and i was sent to ER.  last night i was in ER as well.  the spell has been broken.  great to have a break.  it's been a long, emotional stretch in ICU....i rarely ask for a change, but i did.

 well i better hit the trails. not sure where yet...maybe just hit the airstrip. 

thankful: A. for friends and family who accept me for who i am, who respect me.  B.  for the unconditional love of dogs.  C. for all those phone calls each day with my Mom....she is missed greatly.