you are being ridiculous...my new mantra

 

followed by you are doing good.  repeat. 

i really don't think i realized how the overall stress and anxiety really were impacting me.  it creeps up on you. i get knots in my neck/shoulders and under my scapula. this can lead to headaches.  i was having more and just taking more excedrin than usual and ibuprofen.  looking back, i think i have caused a bit of gastritis. i had gastritis once before in the late 90's. it can lead to some ectopy on it's own. add stress and an older heart...possible. that time it was the gall bladder. 

so i am happily belching now. taking prilosec or pepcid in the mornings, taking some tums/pepto and all that. i am also using my new shoulder rubbing machine often. that helps with one area. 

as far as anxiety...haven't needed any medication for a few days now. i am just more aware of it all. i'm taking the magnesium.  i was taking the multivitamin at the same time and getting nauseated...now i've figured out that it's the multivitamin that does that. not sure if the magnesium is helping, probably a combination of several things. trying to be better at getting back to what i did better before. 

looking back, i had been getting out of bed later and later.  some of the anxiety seemed to be building as i was preparing to leave the house and again if i was staying out too long. i just wanted to be home more and more...a bit of the agoraphobia i guess. now i'm just trying to be more aware of the time and have a schedule to get myself motivated and out of the house. have walked every day.  had some wild heartburn but that has been better the last few days. knowing more about what is happening at least decreased the anxiety load. 

i worked one night and between anxiety and back ache, i opted to just take care of me and call out for 3 nights. i felt like i needed it to get me on a more healthy life schedule.  i'm doing more meditation and stretches/exercises. so i did work another night at the end of my stretch and it went better. 

i could barely sleep the night before the cardiologist appointment.  the doctor is great.  i think it was nice for him to see a patient that walks every day instead of smokes every day. haha. as i left he said, "you are probably the healthiest patient i will see all week". he wasn't overly concerned about the ectopy. labs, ekg, heart all normal. wants to do an echo to rule out underlying heart issues like cardiomyopathy.  i'm also scheduled for a CA CT where they score the calcium in your vessels i think...so hopefully those will turn out to be okay.  that is what is left. 

when i was unable to sleep that night though i did experience an overwhelming sense of peace and calm. felt like everything is going to be okay.  i always figure this is possibly comfort from loved ones or loved pets who have crossed over.  others would attribute this to God.  quite frankly, i'm pretty over that. i find that this God gets all the credit for anything good and no blame for anything bad.  so many excuses. i really just don't get the God answers silly prayer requests but ignores most desperate pleas. mothers with dying children. people in horrific war zones. i feel much more comforted thinking comfort like this comes from a place of love. 

we were taught we had the answers.  only we did. even though it can be scary not knowing the answers to the big next life questions...i find it comforting in a way....accepting that we don't know, we can't know. i just really don't think we have to be theologians or have access to theologians.  anytime you put others in charge of your beliefs you put yourself at great risk. better to not know than to think you do know. i know people find comfort in their organized religious beliefs but too often i see that their comfort is less comforting than they realize.  that "comfort" comes with judgement and rules and strange habits and even odd clothing.  why should a religion demand earthy money to prove eternal worth? i think there are better ways to prove you are a decent person. 

there are also plenty of decent people who have never attended any church, believe in no specific religion.  there are many out there who go to a church or are part of an organized religion but are truly terrible people. be careful who you follow...and where they lead. 

i'm wearing my fit bit again and paying more attention to all that it offers. 

i do think there is some global anxiety/depression out there. we all need to take extra good care of ourselves. 

i still think much of this is coming from a place of healing. that my body is releasing the stress of the pandemic and trump years.  hoping we do not have to repeat either of those things...

the dogs and cats are giving me regular snuggle sessions. part of my anxiety therapy for sure. 

so feeling much better overall. 

death is random. being immersed in it has caused me to focus too much on it.  covid forced us all to deal with death on a level we weren't prepared for. as health care workers you find ways to deal with loss and the pain of watching others pass and their loved ones have to deal with their own losses. the pandemic just made it impossible for us to keep up with the loss and pain and suffering i suspect. the weight of it suffocates us until we can find a way to release it. 

there is far more for me to be grateful for. i'm also trying to rediscover play.  everything just got far too serious for many of us over these past few years. we need to find ways to immerse our tires souls into fun, laughter, joy, play. making snow angels this week, freezing ice, meeting up with friends.  talking texting. laughing.  all things that make you happy...bring them on. we have been deprived too long. 

i did go look for the white raven.  took a bit but i found her. i only had my phone camera with me so i got pretty lousy shots. perhaps i'll try again with the big camera one of these days....nothing like the bigger cameras i saw out there. there are some good shots.  one of my favorites is of her with a slice of pizza.  ravens are kind of trash eaters.  so i found the photo very ironic as she is so popular globally at this point. i had gone walking with friends and coffee after, like a normal Monday walk.  i did cut my white raven outing short as i felt the anxiety and heartburn coming on strong. 

so happy to feel like i'm getting more empowered and more hopeful again. taking control is always a good thing towards healing. i signed up with a therapist for this next week which is something i've never done but probably should have done decades ago.  my parents would have if it was a different time. by the time i was 10 or 11 i was leaving notes for my mom in a teddy bear that had a pocket...i was saying things like i know you don't love me or that i know you love the other kids more...things like that i think.  my mom would just come in and tell me she loved me. 

when you have a lot of kids...it's hard to keep it up..the excitement over the little things that are exciting for you with the first kid or the second kid.  by 7 or more kids....it's routine. i try to caution those with large families to not forget those younger ones.  there is also this assumption that as the youngest you are spoiled....it doesn't always work that way. they can love you but just not give you what you need. maybe i was just a kid that needed more or something different.  who knows. i felt alone a lot as a kid though.  

still there were many fun and happy memories.  you still have several siblings.  my brother and i fought as kids but we were also the closest in age so we spent hours, the 3 youngest, exploring the world we walked in together. we watched tv too but in those days there wasn't as much to entertain us.  we had to create our own. we made a tape with songs we had made up.  it got lost but we had stuffed cats and we made up a song about our stuffed cats. tim and Jim cat, the one with operations, fuzzy...that was mine. can't remember it

we played tons of board games.  if my one brother was losing he would flip the board.  he'd then accuse us of ganging up on him.  we denied it but kids are brats we probably were. we played lots of solitaire, card games, walked on the beach for hours looking for shells.  hit the tennis ball against the grocery store wall. 

there was only 10 years between oldest and youngest but i have less memories of the kids at the top of the pack. not sure why it was so divided and so different.  we just have very different experiences growing up.  my sister and i shared a room but i don't remember us doing much together. cards probably the most universally done thing together. 

the brother right above would literally bang his head into his headboard at night. we were just kids trying to figure out life with not that much direction. for sure the experience made me pretty independent. i'm a fighter for sure. you learn from what you experience. they say your first half of life you get the stuff that you spend the next half of your life recovering from. haha.  it wasn't bad overall, could have been much worse. i see that all the time.  my life was cake compared to what many kids deal with. we still all get some scars.  our parents were all just doing what they could with what they were given as they attempted to sort out their own scars. 

kids that had issues.  we just had to move through them.  

mostly we all turn out pretty good. look at this happy crew below. there are no perfect childhoods.  none of us get everything in life. there are always trade offs. poor but with love, rich but alone....you can't have it all, so stop striving for all and enjoy what you get.  deal with the bad stuff as it comes up and enjoy the hell out of the good stuff.  there is far more good stuff than bad...thus my mantra.  you are being ridiculous, you are doing good. 

the mantra has been helping me push back those symptoms of anxiety this week. 

another thing i'm working on is getting better sleep.  

i've requested to go down to 2 shifts a week. that should help a lot.  eventually explore other job options that are less stressful and then just retire from this job and take it more easy for these next few years before i fully retire. i pulled that request trigger after i worked the one night at the beginning.  felt right. 

so much out there to explore. hoping for many more adventures

gotta pack tomorrow for an overnight out at manitoba yurts this sunday. 

take care of yourselves and those around you.  we all need each other more than we realize. 

thankful for A. feeling that comfort of peace and positive energy. B. coming into a better place C. the beauty that brings us renewed energy.  

ER visit....nice start to the new year

 

woke with anxiety yesterday. it's been slow getting my days started these past few months. improving on getting out though to start this new years.  time to kick my own arse and work my way out of allowing anxiety this much power over me.  so i was annoyed to  be feeling anxious. i had absolutely nothing to be anxious about.  beautiful day, no work...what is not to be excited about.  so i pushed through. took the dogs up to gasline to powerline.  on the way up the hills i started to feel my heart having early beats. no chest pain, just a catch in your throat, tired a bit.  it wouldn't stop though.  when i got to the top of the hill...i opted to turn around rather than risk being found dead on the trail. 

then i figured if i was changing my hiking plans i'd better go get it checked out. i was still having ectopic beats after dropping dogs at home so i headed to the ER.  luckily i know people so i was well taken care of the entire time i was there...i think over 4 hours. pac's. the doc said the read was pvc's but in the end, the read was for pac's when i looked at the my chart. i'll take pac's over pvc's or afib though.  i kept throwing them, resting they did stop, up to bathroom, back again. labs all good, no heart attack. 

i got discharged and encouraged to get a stress test.  i'll call on Monday and see about an appointment.  she also encouraged me to not do anything too strenuous in the meantime. so we went to the dog park today. no ectopy noted on todays stroll through the park.  that, despite Sunny Boy running right up to a moose. he got within 20 feet of the moose. luckily it was resting and didn't even stand up.  heard a dog got kicked and killed a few weeks ago. there were two more young males in the same area resting...so i figured that's a good sign if that didn't bring on ectopy .

can't wait to see that bill though. better to check it out.  my doc there, who i love working with too, noted that menopause can bring on anxiety. gotta love that menopause.  i ordered a book on anxiety a friend said she'd heard about so i lay in bed for a bit today after the walk and read several chapters. 

he's saying that anxiety is a bit of a catch all and that it's really more of a symptom. basically, anxiety isn't the problem, we are.  we feel unsafe, disconnected, we are unhealthy and we have given over to the anxiety in a way i think. i was taking notes. the book is "building a non anxious life" by John Delony. guess he has a call in show. 

in a way we create our own roller coaster and then make it home.  we get comfortable in the fight/flight/freeze we put ourselves in.  in doing this we shut ourselves off from our hopes, dreams and imagination.  anxiety becomes a habit he says. the medication is useful in helping keep control of the anxiety. in my case, i'd say it's necessary as needed since i've had ectopy and meandering numbness and tingling on my face and hands. 

i started to think about all our lives and the various stressors that can lead us to falling into the roller coaster of anxiety. he speaks of anxiety being a very general catch all, there are a wide variety of types of anxiety, depression adhd, ptsd...they all are connected. 

what does my anxiety stem from...i thought about that today as well. the list is pretty long. i've had a few near death experiences, a plane that we had to land in crash positions.  hanging in the sky for nearly an hour awaiting our fate. a bear trying to get in the car with me, grizzly bear, i was within inches of the gnashing teeth and claws. a boat that nearly capsized. 

my childhood was not bad. i suspect though that i was just #7 far too often. people have large families but then are bored or whatever and are really just finished with that part of their life before the kids are finished being raised.  my parents had moved on to other stressors and we, at the bottom, were pretty much left to our own. i don't know about the others, but it impacted me greatly to be a latchkey kid.  forgotten. as a female i was also made very aware of my weight. no instructions to fix it but clearly it was not acceptable.  

it is funny, everything about us was a reflection on the church and we knew, at least i did, that i was expected to be a perfect reflection on the church. it wasn't even a reflection on family. it was always the church first. so clearly, religion has been a large factor in my anxiety.  mormonism demands perfection and if you can't possibly be perfect (who can) well you better put on the show of perfection.  i first left the Mormon church in my 20's, then years later i deconstructed from Christianity in general, probably in my 40's-50's,  and i think over the last several years i have deconstructed from religion in general. 

i've also had to come to terms with the reality of what family is and what family isn't.  i'm alone. there are perks to being single and i have always preferred single life to a bad relationship, but being solely responsible for everything in your life can be stressful on it's own.  in the middle of covid there were some cruel words directed at me...so in the middle of an incredibly stressful time in my life and career...i get slammed by people who are supposed to be there for me. the person who was cruel then had the support of the others.  so i think that single incident woke me up to the realities of what family is capable of and what it isn't capable of. i find myself backing away more and more now that this reality is seeded inside me. 

covid impacted people globally.  as a healthcare worker it was even more damaging.  we were hero's for a moment and then we were blamed, yelled at. because of the insane politics a global pandemic was made worse.  blame all over the place. hate, denial.  also there were shortages in supplies and staff. things that had been rules before covid were ditched.  it felt like we were all throw away to upper management.  they just brought in travel staff and paid them premium.  post covid...there just has never been any gratitude or acknowledgement of what the core staff did for the hospitals we worked in. staff is now leaving in droves, adding more strain to those who stay...again with little to no gratitude, compensation or acknowledgement. 

i'm only now beginning to feel like i'm getting back to the things i did like about nursing.  i'm burned out and stressed out.  my anxiety initially started a few days before i headed back to work for my stretch. now it's more random. covid just made us all feel isolated.  our monday walks fell apart.  i think i'd hoped it would get back on track but people have found other things on Mondays.  i suspect we all miss that weekly group.  we still do things but it's not as regular. i haven't made much of an effort on the Monday walk thing of late i think because it just makes walking alone feel worse.  i walk alone most days...

many are having increased anxiety due to the dysfunction in our government and in many governments around the world.  war after war.  conflicts.  all this trump bull.  i mean he and the gop have really done a number causing division. all these crazy conspiracy theories.  we have major social issues as well.  the guns and shootings are wearing us all down. now the abortion bans that are so far beyond any reality.  women are in real danger, young girls are in danger.  if you get pregnant at any age, there is new risk. the increase in racism.  the politics have put wedges in family. i know my siblings and i, in many cases, have little to nothing we can speak of. i even attempted the olympics and this wasn't even a safe subject.  it's shocking.  after some time you start to lose respect for some of the views.  each shooting makes me angry.  these people shouldn't be subject to these mass shootings. we have things we can do but refuse to. same with the abortions.  they decrease under Dems all the time, why? because dems are more likey to hand out birth control for free and fight for sex education. things that actually decrease abortions

the truth is the GOP causes more abortions than the Dems. they also benefit from them the most.  they have for decades.  abortions were so easy for them to campaign on.  now they have won their "war" but they were better off fighting the war on abortion than they were winning it. it's sick really.  

economic concerns impact all of us.  debts and concerns for the future. 

i've also had some SA in my past....as most females do so that i'm sure adds in to the build up. most of it i was dealing pretty well with. the last few years just took everything up a lot of notches. 

i suspect working in critical care and so much death and dying also has made me more focused on death and dying.  in the end.  you have to get back to worrying about the things that you can impact and letting go of the things you can't control. you can protest and write letters and such, but in general, i do not personally have a huge impact on all things global. i can vote and again write letters or protest but we only have so much control over what happens in DC. 

worry about death and dying and all the manners that could happen...in the end.  you live your life with basic safety precautions, but if i go into v-tach on a trail or get killed in a car/plane crash.....these things are just not worth living anxious about.  you don't have much control over them.  yesterday a door flew off in flight on a plane.  it was supposed to be a sealed door and nobody died but life ends in death for us all. at some point.  it's just finding a way to live the days without stressing over things you can't control

early morning walk in Homer. 

this first group of photos are more from the trip my nieces came up on.  there is also a snowman in there.  snowzilla is back.  he's maybe 15 feet tall.  he hasn't been built for several years but he's back. 

one of our ER doctors lost his wife in a horribly sad accident.  their dog went through the ice at Eagle River.  he and his wife both went in the water to try and rescue the dog.  they were not able to and only he was able to get back out.  she was swept off down river under the ice with the dog. really just so heartbreaking.  this happened a few days before Christmas on their anniversary. 

my work week went okay. mostly, picu again i think. got a night on call. i was only off New Years Eve so i could be with dogs during the fireworks.  there were loads of fireworks in my neighborhood. the new neighbors are clearly fans.  so i had barking dogs til very, very late. 

felt like i was the human thunder jacket.  holding dogs, watching tv loudly, listening to music loudly. 

i think for sure i will go to 2 shifts this summer and i may just request to stop doing ICU/CSU, get away from hearts. we shall see.  that is yet another cause of anxiety for me.  trying to plan out the next few years.  leaving the bedside in the hospital. retiring from the hospital.  taking another job that would be much less stressful. one that would cover benefits for me.  need to see what benefits i would need to get covered, how much that would cost me.  change, even good change, can be scary. i tend to ruminate about changes for quite awhile before i finally pull the trigger.  i've made some huge changes in life so i know i'm capable.  it's a strange one, this retirement one though. people expect you to know your date of death.  that is impossible.  you don't want to work longer than needed but you also don't want to run out of money. 

at some point with that...you just have to hope that our society has improved a bit and wouldn't dump some 95 year old out homeless...i don't see dramatic changes right now though.  this is a nation that values the elderly very little. it seems to annoy people when you say perhaps if i'm 90+ and going to have to become homeless maybe i'd kill myself off at that point. 

i must say, despite all, i have yet to see a homeless person over 90 so they must get taken in somewhere. again, it's really just not something you can totally plan for.  it's also not something you can really worry yourself over. so on the plus side.  i have my anxieties but i also think for many things i'm better than others at just saying wtf. cause really, you can only control so much.  

at some point i realized i was single and i'd need to take care of myself and my future. i have always said things like i'd rather be single than in a bad relationship. bad relationships look so sad and stressful.  i think i saw pretty early that it's far more lonely to be surrounded by people who are supposed to be loving you than to actually be alone. it was something i said to myself in a hotel in South Dakota as i was deciding whether to move some place i'd never been and knew nobody or stay around family...

above is the fur cut off Sunny and made into another little dog.  i do that sometimes.  mostly, i trim and vacuum in short sessions.  just above here is a loon.

my little kayak.  it rained so much this last summer, hopefully, i can get out in it more this next summer

on the trail with the dogs and below playing in the yard

i watched a mini series this week that i really enjoyed. i wasn't sure i would but Loudermilk was really good.  he's a crusty alcoholic that leads a group of random addicts/alcoholics.  they all have a variety of issues that they bring to the group. 

i finished watching Friends. i hadn't watched Friends all the way through ever i think.  the last few seasons were eh...they just got so mean, even pheobe who was always the ditzy nice one. her getting married just seemed to be against her character to me. also they all had these deep tans, living in New York.  felt fake. many of these sitcoms lose their appeal as they all get married, have kids...truth of that i guess is that it's tough to make that as interesting in a sitcom that starts with singletons. i think Seinfeld was the only one to manage it.  none of them ever got stable relationships. 

cooling off in the puddles. 

bear poop. i do love winter and sleeping bear season.  

this is powerline trail. 

i did hit woronzof and oceanview bluff parks this past week. 

been kind of cloudy. managed to get the element partly dug out.  the battery is dead.  need to jump start that car and move it.  snow expected for tomorrow. 

i may not have any more pac's for years. i don't drink coffee, i've never had one of those high caffeine drinks, i do eat chocolate and take excedrin for headaches.  that is my only caffeine though. 

i had pvc's after Tusker passed away. i hooked myself up to a monitor at work while i was having them. they felt the same as yesterdays pac's. these were wide complex for sure after Tusker died.  the cure for that was Sunny Boy.  i was just so distressed over that loss and it came in the middle of all the worst of covid and the cruel phone message. you can forgive hatefulness, but you also need to remove toxic people from your day to day life.  i have kept my distance since. i think covid did bring us all clarity about the people in our lives. who was on the outside,  barely participating and who really cared.  better to have a few people who are really there, who really support you. 

i remember i had good friends who were texting me to find out which unit i was working in each night in the early days of covid when things were most frightening.  they hoped i was in a safe place and would worry for days when i was working more directly with covid.  you remember those things...as opposed to people who were deniers and conspiracy theorists. people who told you your job was easy. 

paid some bills. i forgot to put in my on call day...really just gave me an idea of what my 2 shift a week paycheck would look like. worth a try, going to two shifts since i will still have the same benefits package without having to pay in much more. can i drag that out a bit and pick up shifts in the winter at an urgent care or surgery center? 

these are the things running through my mind.  minimal anxiety today so that was nice. hopefully, i can find tools to improve my ability to deal with this anxiety crap. it's so annoying. you are happy and yet you have this unreasonable anxiety. as noted, sure i have things in life that were anxiety inducing but in general i have never lived an anxious life day to day.  i have always been a ruminator though so perhaps that is not good for you 

i don't see any apple in that test but i am a person who has a constant conversation running in my head.  i think i'd rather see the apple.  that is aphantasia.  i dream in colors, vividly but i am unable to conjure up mental images upon request. visualization always baffled me.  books that have paragraph after paragraph of descriptive words escape me.  my friend was shocked when she learned that people with aphantasia read but are not able to create an image of what they are reading. i suspect this is why i'm not big on fantasy types of book.  i can't picture the stuff. go to your happy place...? i can't, at least not in an image in my head. 

i didn't know i had aphantasia or that it was a thing until last year i think.  reading that many with aphantasia prefer non-fiction.  i just like a story that moves along i think. all the descriptive stuff seemed silly to me. like yeah, it's a beach, i get it, lol.  now i know. 

sadly, i can't bring up a mental image of loved ones lost, human or dog.  on the plus side, if i'd had some horrible traumatizing event i also can't just bring that image up either. there is also hyperphantasia.  where people would have super imaging. 

well, i'll get back to reading my book on anxiety.  i'm sure i'll be cured by the time i finish it.  lol.  not. 

thankful for A. that my ectopy wasn't anything worse B. kind and supportive co-workers C. good friends who stop by when you are in the ER.  :-)