never finished nome so thought i would now..

 the iditarod will be starting soon anyway.  it ends in nome so i guess that is fitting.  these are mostly of the musk oxen i saw near town.  gotta love these guys.

 survived another 3 nights of work.  still some fuzzy times but i think the worst of my concussion is behind me.  do notice when i get report or just in general conversations i can find it hard to follow or i just spit out some goofy thing.  asked a nurse to slow down during report as she was talking really fast and my brain just couldn't keep up.  another time i was trying to tell a nurse her blood had stopped and i'd switched it to the saline...instead i said something like, "i hung the sugar".  strange looks but if that is the worst i guess that is okay. hopefully, that all clears up

 the worst this week was last night. i'd had my massage and that had helped but then we got 6-7 inches of fresh snow and i was feeling good...so good i excitedly shoveled all the snow on both decks and the driveway.  my upper back began to knot up within 24 hours, i know quinton, you could have totally predicted that...i never change do i.  haha.  add to that an assignment that totally taxed me mentally and the knots soon turned into a headache, which increased to a migraine.  it was a long night to say the least.  my assignment was actually an easy assignment, but as is often the case there is nothing easy about any assignment in a hospital.  it only takes some craziness to make a night nuts.

 if i was the sort to do a doctoral study of some sort, i've for years known what it would be on.  it would be on the syndrome of what happens with chronically ill/debilitated patients and/or their family/caregivers.  for the patient they latch onto any and all control possible in lives that have taken the bulk of control away from them thru their disabilities.  for families/caregivers this can also be true, but there is often also an element of their need to have you be terrible at caring for their loved one.  i mean, if you could drop off this debilitated person with just anyone and they can give all the care you have sacrificed giving to your loved one, well i guess what is the point.  so often i find those who have enveloped themselves 100% into this care and have no other outlets or life as it were, they can be very difficult to work with.  you find yourself going overboard trying to make sure they feel that they are irreplaceable and that you desperately need them for all aspects of their loved ones care.  if not you really pay for it.

 often times though, this all comes to blows.  there are things we do at a hospital that are different.  not that we can't adjust to the idiosyncrosies of these caregivers/families/patients, but sometimes what they do is wrong or even dangerous.  we do have responsibilities...so last night thankfully, my doc came to my aid and we had what one would call a, "come to jesus" moment.  at times it helps immensely to have the words you've been saying repeatedly come from an actual doctor. was grateful he was on board, understood and totally backed me up.  the night was exhausting though with that and the migraine.

 of course, being so near this concussion i didn't want to take the excedrin with aspirin i would normally take to nip a headache in the bud nor would i want to take anything that may cause me to be sleepy.  today, when i woke up and the headache began to advance again i took the excedrin, showered in hot, hot pounding water and then applied two heat wraps.  headache is finally gone.  sadly, no walk for the girls today.

 did get to the dog park yesterday.  rio hears dog park and she jumps up.  this morning i did come home to several lots of vomit. rio appears to have been vomiting through the night.  she just ate cottage cheese for breakfast and seems fine now.  who knows what that was all about.  of course, i kept laughing to myself that she was womitting...have been watching old episodes from the james herriot series from BBC years ago.  i remember watching those as a kid and reading all those books.  they were big books for a kid my age, but i so loved them all.  always thought they did a great job with the series as well.

 was grateful last night for all my co-workers, everyone seemed to take a turn attempting to rub out the humongous knots in my shoulders and under my shoulder blades.  i know i'm bruised from it all, but that is what has to happen sometimes.  i never learn.

 everyone here was pretty excited about our fresh snow. the iditarod will hopefully have a better snow pack and the fur rondy started today and so there is plenty of snow for that now.  i was a bit of a wreck today so tomorrow i do plan on getting out and about and enjoying the dog teams.  will probably try to get to rovers run early for a walk and then just head to the airstrip to watch the teams go by.  it's my practice run for the iditarod.

 the olympics are winding down.  i have enjoyed them as usual.  always great. poor kikkan had a bit of a rough run out there.  not sure what happened there.

 Ukraine is a mess.  many nations are a mess. i think as some nations try desperately to control their populations as it once was done they are running up against a more empowered people.  the internet has changed things.  no matter how much you try to isolate, the internet brings it all to light.  people see they can have better lives and deserve them. they are better able to organize themselves. they are mad as hell and are not going to take it any longer.  sad about all the violence though and how it effects the folks out there just trying to live their lives, raise their families and find a patch of happiness.  it's all fleeting.

 need to do more to plan my summer.  ask for a few more days off i think.  just random.  always so hard knowing what to plan.  some summers i guess i'm better at it than others.  i just have the ketchikan run and lost lake backpack for now.  will try to rent byers # 2 for august sometime. haven't been there for fall colors yet. could be pretty.

 popped down to picu to visit the other night.  they were not very busy...there was a big car wreck though so i suspect they got busier.  i was in the renal care unit.  felt bad for them as they had a nice unit before and they got moved.  their new area seems disjointed. they don't even have their own locker room so i can't imagine the place feels very inviting. their lockers are still 2 floors down in their old unit.  it was a busy night.  not sure why.

 the baby musk ox chilling together. so cute

 there was talk of a girl from alaska who is saying she's a serial killer and satanist.  her father was saying she is a liar and not to be believed.  he doubts she's killed multiple times at all.  would be sad to have a kid that you seem to hate. she's a drug addict he said and he also had a great deal of empathy for the family of the the one victim there is proof on.  he said he'd stand by them at her execution in support and pray with them.  she claimed she had killed over 20 others. strange, screwed up person.

 thought it was cool when the musk ox got in the water.

 beautiful and strange looking animals.

 would like to get to many other places further north like this trip to nome.  this state is varied and so amazing.

 i have a few more discs for the downton abbey series...will take a break from herriot to catch up on the latest.

 a local bar is closing down. it's been around for a long time.  blues central will close it's doors after 50 years in business.  the owner is moving to the lower 48 to retire and play.

 the iron dog race is a snowmachine race, it's going along the iditarod route now.  i've never been on a snowmachine...one of these days i guess.  they did post a picture of a bunch of kids running a machine and hanging in a sled being pulled behind.  of course, my first thought was that not one of those kids in the picture had a helmet on.

 mom and me...sweet

 back with the buddies. i always liked this one below with the three young musk ox with the older three in the distance.

 greyhound racing has been going on in florida for 80 years and it wasn't until this past year that they had to report a dog death.  the results reported in the short time they have been required to report are pretty staggering. one death every three days...that is horrible.  i had no idea...of course, i've never lived around any dog race tracks so it's not something i've ever had any exposure to.  seems pretty bad to me.  wonder if reporting it will begin to change those numbers.

 finally catching up on the reading.  lots of papers.  have found also that with this concussion my vision was a bit off.  that seems better today.

 i was a bit freaked out with the headache last night.  any headache this close to a brain injury is cause for concern.  i felt pretty sure it was related to the knots on my neck/shoulders/back but still there is that little part of your brain that tries to make mountains out of molehills...is that correct?? i always get those sayings wrong.

 palmer will soon have more cool trails.  a 1000 acre area has been purchased by a non profit for public use...trails will be created.  sounds like it will become similar to anchorages potters marsh and be a refuge for birds and other animals.  kinda cool to as it is neighbors with a local school.  they are excited to be able to use that land for education purposes.

 fisherman in nome

 just some last shots around the area.

 looks like a snow goose to me.

 always love these halo's or sundogs i think they are called.

 hopefully i have some new fun dog racing photo's for tomorrow.  not many pictures taken this week.  played in snow that one day so not pics really.  shoveled and then hit the bog.

 will have to get to a few new spots this summer. still want to hit kennicott mines as i've never been there.

 here is the safety roadhouse....last stop on the way to nome. pretty empty when i was there last summer.

best to head to bed...so that i can enjoy some fur rondy activities tomorrow.  good night.

the "girl" gene....

 thought i'd toss in some pictures from nome, the last day, while i pondered my seemingly lack of a "girl" gene.

 i am female, i have all the right parts, they are capable of all the moves.  it's the brain that seems to lack that girl thing.  it's like there was a class and i was out on the beach for it or on a mountain top.  i missed a whole section of training in life on the art of girlness.

 the games you are supposed to play, the looks you are supposed to pull together.  i have no idea.  i make weak attempts, but in the end i'm just who i am and if people don't work to see me, i blend in.  it's not that i don't think i'm worthy of being seen, i just don't know how to be seen.  when i am seen, it feels uncomfortable, frightening even at times.

 it holds me back for sure. if you aren't seen you get left behind.

 i say what i am thinking pretty soon after i think it.  if i like you, you will know it.  if i don't you will also know.  life seems to come with a pile of games that you are supposed to play.  things you don't say in order to get a message across. tricks you are supposed to play in order to capture that attention.  i have no game, no tricks up my sleeve.

 it's probably why i do best with the animal kingdom. perhaps i'm just not evolved.  animals just are.  there are no games.  they see prey, they attack it. hungry,they eat, tired they sleep.

  independence is good, but there are always those days, when you yearn for something more, different.  the feeling generally passes.  for today though, i feel sorrow for that lacking inside of me.  for being clueless how to be seen, how to get the message across that i want to be seen.

 back to work tonight.  will probably be good to be mixed with the other humans. sometimes it's probably just not good when i've had a week like this where i've been by myself. really no social interaction for my days off.  girl can't live by dog alone.  i need humans.  i need to talk and be heard.

 nobody is listening.

 should go try to nap again. no success so far today.  woke up early as i had an appointment to get my windshield changed out.  it was time.  a big rock hit it on the road to homer.  happy that rock hit before i changed it out rather than right after.  most cars up here have cracks and chips in their windshields.

 the musk ox were on the beach.  the weather in nome was so nice, everyone was flocking to the beaches.

 today is cloudy.  i'm actually pretty happy for the change.  it's supposed to rain a bit this weekend. perfect sleeping weather.  i walked the dogs while they worked on the car.

 took the dogs to cuddy park. it's close to the window place.  we wandered around there for a bit, sat, blossom chased her toy.  it was cloudy and cool.

 there is one domestic white duck there.  i'm wondering if it was caught last fall and re-released back with it's friends in the spring.  that or someone dumped another domestic duck out there.  there were a few in the city last fall.

 doubt the thing survived the winter out there.

 so not too much of a pity party. i just wonder sometimes why i always feel so different from all the others out there.  everyone else seems to make life look so much easier.  i'm like the spotted duck in a sea of swans.

 it's rough moving when you are a musk ox on sand.

 maybe one day awkward will be the new sexy.  haha.  until then, i will just have to be who i am and accept myself and my quirks that make me blend in rather than stand out.  maybe one day i'll walk in front of a strange new wall and i will finally be seen.  i won't be able to hide inside anymore.

 i just want to be touched, held, told nice things.  those things can't happen if you can't be seen, if you can't let others come through the veil you have put out there.

 i loved that story about the scarecrow in the movie, "the doctor".  they were talking about how you keep your arms out for years holding people back and when the time comes that you want and need people to come in, you have forgotten how to let your arms down and let people in. i just need to allow myself to be vulnerable, let my arms down and let people come to me.  trust isn't as easy as all that though.

you never know when there is a lion or tiger or bear lurking and ready to pounce and kill.