should be driving north right now....dang it!!

 

debated back and forth going/not going.  probably could go today as i no longer have a fever and feel a bit better.  i got the Hunter cabin about 3 miles north of here in Denali State Park. it's beautiful up there and would be awesome this time of year.  mushrooms, sandhills flying past.  perhaps a drive up to Denali National Park...

when you are feeling sick....it's just nicer to be home at night.  i have caught my first respiratory bug since before covid pandemic.  amazing really. i had just gone to the annual doc appointment and had mentioned i hadn't needed the inhalers but felt i should get them...the next cold bug is sure to happen. sure enough the next day i had a sore throat and felt generally achy and tired. 

by Saturday, it was hitting it's stride, fever and all. today it feels like it's gone bronchial, as it tends to do. lots of sinus pressure, coughing up gunk.  nobody planned on joining me at the cabin so last night i thought maybe i should just go for it. i'd been unable to sell off the cabin and it's too late for a refund. if nobody else is there i can cough like crazy and not bother anyone. 

if the cabin was closer to town...i think i may have been more likely to go for it. i do have to consider age too.  i'm not a spring chicken so if i have a medical issue i would be further out and have questionable phone coverage.  just felt smarter to let it go. so mixed emotions as i hate missing out, hate wasting the cabin. dang cold bugs! 

Friday, despite feeling sick, i did manage to get out to Girdwood.  did less than expected as i felt the bug coming on as i walked.  walking is my gauge.  we just did a slow walk of the crow pass end of winner creek. Saturday i didn't get the dogs walked at all.  just rare tennis ball time in the yard. i had fevers just under 101F and felt pretty crappy.  i did get the lawn mowed between naps.

yesterday i got a lot of stuff done at home between rests/naps. fever gone but still just felt really tired.  i even got showered and dressed and had great intentions to walk the dogs.  instead i ended up not walking and did multiple tennis ball play times in the yard. litter done, linen changed, vacuumed, groomed Sunny Boy, dishes, laundry.  that was enough to exhaust me as it turns out.  today i do hope i can get the dogs walked! a slow walk and mushroom hunt.  good for the lungs and the soul i think. 

not surprised i caught a bug. i did work picu. it's been ages and at first they had me slated to care for a kid that had a code cart outside the room. i balked.  felt i needed to get my feet wet again.  when you've been away awhile you don't necessarily want the sickest kid.  the staff, didn't know me and i didn't know them.  grateful for the vote of confidence but i'm more willing to speak out these days.  in the end i got the snot ridden babies.  haha.  may have sealed my fate on that one.  oh well. covid test negative. 

feels like the usual cold bugs of the past. there are 6 leg star species by the way, who knew. 

i also worked RCU one night so i finally got a break from ICU. really just need to get out of it all. it's time. i feel it. just need to decide where i want to land and when. it's been many years since i changed jobs.  

little 6 legger here. 

saw a clip about a thing called aphantasia. i had never heard of it.  guess it's not that well known.  anyway, perhaps it's some crap.  basically, they are claiming that some people when they close their eyes, or whatever, can't visualize things while others can.  when i close my eyes to try and visualize the things...well it's just a blank slate.  for some there are blurs or outlines, it's a range.  for some it's quite elaborate i guess. 

does kind of explain a few things if it really is a thing.  they say only 2-5% of population have a blank view when they try to visualize. my brief conversations with co-workers/friends makes me think it may be more widespread.  

i do have vivid dreams but dreams apparently come from a different section of the brain.  

i thought today that this may be one reason why i love photography and take so many photos. i can't pull these images up in my brain. can't conjure them.  if i try to bring up puppies i've lost, family/friends, gone. photos.  i can describe them to myself but i can't see them. 

my friend says this explains why i'm so terrible at describing people. have always been. the stuff i've read says that prosopagnosia is also common with those with aphantasia...the impaired ability to recognize faces.  i for sure lack all confidence with this.  it's one of the reasons i think i have avoided jobs in supervision, like the house sup position at work.  they seem to know everyones name/faces.  i'm terrible at this. 

we went to Eklutna cabin last week and were talking about this.  this same friend was asking about reading and when the author is describing stuff do i envision it.  nope. i just read the words. as a matter of fact, when i think back to novels that had lots of descriptive imaging i always found it silly. i didn't get it. i would skim those bits.  at least now i can understand that for others they can turn this into theater in a way.  they take those descriptions and create a scene in their brain.  that has never happened.  like the novel about the octopus...in my brain i know what an octopus looks like and i know what an aquarium looks like so that is enough.  

some of what i read also said many with this do not enjoy novels at all but prefer non-fiction. i like both but i for sure skim the descriptive bits in anything. 

as the articles have said, most people do not realize they don't have this ability to visualize stuff since it's just always not existed. do feel i'm missing out a bit now that i know about it.  strange. 

it also makes me wonder if school would have been done differently had i known.  i can't just see charts and stuff.  i had to go with total memorization on things. i recall the krebs cycle and all the hell it was to memorize.  it's shown in a graph, perhaps that fact of it makes it more tough for folks like me since we can't internalize that graph and pull it up. not sure how visual people are that don't have this lacking in them. 

the flowers are dying off and some leaves are turning.  my favorite time for road trips really. start to see colors, chase mushrooms.  so a frustrating weekend to lose.

great memories from this summer anyway.  especially this week that i had the nieces here.  felt like family should feel.  acceptance, love.  felt like a safe space. 

i suspect for years with many i have tried to nice my way into the relationships.  prove that i am a kind, good, decent person...because in reality, when you leave the church you lose that status. it's assumed you aren't those things and i now think you try to prove you are.  people will see you how they chose to see you. you can't change that.  you can't nice your way out of assumptions about you. great to let go of all that baggage i carried for so long.  goals you could never achieve. other peoples expectations or your presumptions of their expectations. covid was a blessing in that way. life became more clear.  who is really with you became more clear. what is valuable.  what to value. who to value. that is true in and out of the church.  if someone decides something about you and walks away...then you are best off just moving on. 

we all waste way too much effort on people who have little to no interest in us.  stick with those who truly accept you the way you are.  flaws and all. i am not nor will i ever be a perfect person.  i long ago learned it's not worth it trying to be a perfect, unflawed person.  it's just not reality. i just remember so many who put up that front and the world eventually catches up with them.  all their flaws came pouring out with disastrous impact on others.  fake it til you make it, only goes so far.  be who you are is a much better plan 

currently reading "the dictionary of lost words".  still pretty early on.  so far i like it. i do skim the descriptive bits though. always on a need to know basis. lol.  

followed an older van the other day on the Seward Highway.  the van looked to be from South America and was cool looking but sadly, they were driving 40 mph on that road and the cars/trucks were piling up behind them.  this is frustrating since i have heard of far too many fatal accidents out there...people get frustrated being behind a person like this...who refuses to pull over, they then take risks to get around them in their frustration and terrible things happen. 

after there were more than 25 cars behind i started to honk at every pull out.  eventually the guy pulled over, they got out of their van and looked to be checking the van over for an issue.  there are signs all over that road, 5 or more cars behind you, pull over.  it's beautiful drive, i get that.  i just pull over anytime anyone seems to be itching to get around me, even if it's not 5 cars.  better to just move away than risk some head on collision.  

my scheduled summer plans have come to an end. the days are getting shorter.  i do start to feel ready for the winter.  for the bears and bugs to go away for a bit.  for an excuse to be a bit of a recluse. 

to hide out in my cabin with my furs. 

they are a lot of fun.  Sunny was great about the grooming last night despite no big walk for 2 days. 

figured i'd pop in for a blog then head out for a walk. the mushrooms are always changing. 

these were at the botanical gardens near my place. i generally forget to go there in the summer. may have to stop by there and mushroom hunt as well. 

i stopped by crow creek mine but i'd missed the main flowers. they always have amazing flowers there. i also have not been to Hatchers Pass at all this summer.  that is totally not normal.  so much rain early on....who wanted to drive out there, spent the gas just to walk in the rain with minimal views i think. strange summer for sure. 

politics is still nuts.  that orange idiot is still out there.  he still has mass following.  so strange to see so many worship such a terrible person.  it is a cult following.  i do not see the appeal but i see that others have been sucked in. religion does something to an individuals ability to see things rationally some times. i have heard some pastors are getting grief when they actually preach the words of Jesus from their pulpits.  Jesus is too woke, too weak. shouldn't be surprised really, but there it is. the sermon on the mound is too woke for the evangelicals. 

the indictments are mounting.  most will never read or believe anything bad about this fool but will instead go to their graves believing he was somehow brought to them by God. i wouldn't believe it all myself if i wasn't sadly living through it.  watching people who i would have thought were rational be irrational when it comes to this one person. 

i did go to the Docs. labs were drawn. i guess i can look at some results on line. she wasn't too worried about the strange numbness i had at the height of my anxiety since it seemed so tied into the anxiety and moved around so much.  haven't really had it since then.  did feel like i hit the max anxiety wise and like i may be recovering a bit from that.  it will always be with me i'm sure.  

the flowers never had a great chance this summer it seems.  everything has been so far behind but i suspect winter won't wait for it to catch up. 

this is the back trails to homestead.  want someone with me for this one. probably will attempt the airstrip area...hopefully no bear this time.  last time i was berating myself for being chicken about bears and then spotted on on the airstrip.  big black bear.  i gave him a wide girth and just turned around.  then i got brave again and went to north bivouac and there was a huge bear scat there...can't avoid them!!  

the mushrooms are calling me though.  

it is funny...as a single person you just try to do stuff even if you are sick. you have to. stuff needs to be done.  i recall as a student nurse, most of my practical training was at the county facility in Los Angeles.  6 people to one room, one bathroom for those people, jail patient chained to bed closest to bathroom.  one phone on a cart to move from person to person if you couldn't get out to the main corridor to use a pay phone....before cell phones.  i also did time in a nicer all private room facility.  the people at the county hospital were more motivated to move and get out of there. it was depressing to stay, you weren't getting pampered.  it's the same as a single person being sick.  i can't milk it for anything as there is nobody to milk.  haha. survival time.  when i had influenza i painted the fence and deck between naps, puked from coughing, had fevers but still, i had stuff to do, animals to care for, chose to get to.  you are motivated. 

guess i better get moving and get these dogs walked. 

thankful for A. to be at a stage where the loss of the money for this cabin is survivable. bummed i am not going but probably for the best. B. sunshine here in Anchorage to enjoy even when you feel a bit under the weather. C. sweet furs to keep you company when you are home

questions....

 

got asked a few questions while this crew was here and also my friend was asking me a few questions so....i'll see what answers i can come up with. 

i don't think we always have actual answers to some questions.  we can never really know.  relationships...i have had many short term relationships.  in retrospect i suspect men were fun, toys, companionship but i never met one that i really felt was the guy. i'd seen enough not so great relationships to not want to risk that. 

my 20's were spent figuring out who i was, what i believed still, what to do with the remainder of this life.  in that time i'm sure i was on the hunt for the guy.  i think, especially in that time, we were programmed to find a mate.  we were not complete without one.  we needed a guy to take care of us. i never thought i was spinster material. those women were deemed strange.  i wasn't strange. 

in the end, i think those women were often just independent and strong.  they probably had, in many cases a much happier existence. so many lives during the years past, the women were just an adjunct to their spouse. what they wanted was not really all that factored in.  even now for women making a good match is considered  a life goal.  not sure the same pressure is put on men. 

mostly, my 20's and 30's i just flit around, dating multiple guys, none of them really sticking or me probably pushing them away. i was independent.  the average guy, especially, religious sorts, are not that keen on independent, outspoken, opinionated females. it takes a confident guy to accept that, to take on a woman like that. 

i got a lot of experience, met a lot of folks and just had a great time. there was heartbreak at times, of course, but over all, i'd say no regrets. 

i just look back now and suspect that the truth that i didn't see in myself was that i wasn't all that keen on finding a mate.  i mean, people who desperately want to get married or have kids...they do it.  they are often miserable, but they reach that goal. i think having that need actually puts people in a terrible and desperate position of settling for a partner who is not a match but is available and willing 

i felt lonely much of my life. i was surrounded by people and yet i felt lonely. i learned a long time ago that being alone is much better than being surrounded by people and being alone. i just never fit in with the life i was in.  it was a crowd and i have never been keen on crowds.  i started to fit in once i started putting distance between myself and the church.  the only place i did enjoy with church 100% was the girls camping program. back then it was geared towards basic life skills, camping skills, friendship.  i stayed with the camping program even as i left the religion. 

it was changing though. i saw it.  they were destroying the experience i'd enjoyed as they pushed more and more religion and indoctrination into it. priesthood leadership that was required was not screened well and a few perverts embraced the chance to be in that position and be near a throng of teen girls. 

fuck the patriarchy. i grew less and less keen on all that as well. how the men wanted a certain type of mormon girl, how we were all trying so hard to be that specific non-existent person and failing. always failing. never enough. it was never enough. once you leave, you start to learn that you are enough. still i suspect i'd had enough of the patriarchy to last a life time. 

still, i felt this drive to find a mate.  i just assumed i'd find one and have kids.  that is what you do, that is the life plan for all females. it just never happened and at some point you start to think, i'd better take care of me. make sure i can depend on me.  i'd been changing majors, flitting through various colleges and universities.  i am the most highly educated but under degree'd folks out there. i don't regret that either. i took so many fun courses on interesting subjects.  i learned a ton.  sad to me that so many college students now are forced to make a rapid choice and hone in on that. it seems too expensive now not to.  i was gifted to be able to take many courses on various subjects that have stuck with me my entire life time.  plants, animals, marine biology, ecology, poetry, photography...i dabbled. at some point i had to find a career so i could take care of me

my dream job of veterinarian...well, all that flitting about did not leave me with the greatest gpa and you can't get into vet school without that. nursing though, i could just leap right in.  has it been my favorite job, not really.  it has been more than excellent though. a surprise for me really.  once i got past wiping butts...something that once it occurred to me it was better to be the butt wiper than the person so sick they can't wipe their own butt...then i was on my way. 

being a nurse has allowed me to have a great life experience.  i could support myself.  i could move anywhere.  it got me to Alaska.  it got me nearly 2 weeks off each month to live life.  it allowed me to support myself. it is also a constant reminder of how precious life is, how fragile.  a reminder to enjoy each day we are gifted and our health to be able to live a full life...we see all those who do not have this.  we see the people who worked their asses off only to finally retire and have a medical issue/accident take them before they ever enjoyed much of this gift of life. being a nurse also allowed me to meet some of the coolest people.  many strong and independent females just like me. 

i was also able to work with animals through my 20's. this also brought me life long friendships and amazing experiences. life is to be lived.  far too many live life for some unknown after life.  you can still be a decent, moral, ethical person without the constant guilt religion seems to impart on so many of it's members. so many religions have this fear and anxiety built in.  one of my best decisions was walking away. 

it's been very complex as far as family and i should have figured crap out sooner.  should have detached emotionally much sooner.  it was a no win really.  i was always going to be viewed as less than, as an other.  honestly, in many ways it would have been easier to have just been cut off.  at least it would force you to move forward and not have all this misguided hope.  the relationships can be tough with people who believe. the worst is often assumed of you.  i don't even know that they are aware of it really...i think it's just how it happens. so i was lonely being surrounded. once you leave, there tends to be a gap that forms that is nearly impossible to bridge, no matter how much effort you put in. 

now i'm more of the it's not about hating, it's just learning to accept what they are capable of and moving down the road in my own experience.  they will never leave.  they will never ask the questions or hear the answers that were so clear to me when i was on my path away. they are in it, it works for them and at this point, in truth they wouldn't want to make such dramatic changes.  some still do i know but it wasn't the easy path, walking away.  which is honestly why people generally stick to things they know. 

people often live where they are planted, stay in jobs they hate, relationships that don't work, religions that in many cases they don't buy fully into.  it's easier to not rock the boat.  it was a tough road rocking the boat, but i am grateful every day that i made the leap. for me, i think i have much more joy and happiness than i ever would have if i'd stayed where i was planted. change is scary but we do adapt. 

the latest thing for me is what is coming next.  that is just another change. it will be scary but i'll adapt and i will thrive in the end. it's always just stressful making up your mind. once you do, you have to just leap and be willing to be uncomfortable for a bit. 

am i lonely some times. sure. i suspect everyone gets lonely....as i've said some are super lonely and they are surrounded by people who are the ones who are supposed to prevent that loneliness.  no life is perfect so you always have to accept some things.  i have to make big decisions alone. that can be daunting.  overall, it's not that bad. i rarely have any trauma in my life.  no arguments.  i have only myself to blame if i make errors.  like...dang i really should have just gone ahead and done the kitchen floors when i remodeled the kitchen.  i was sick of making decisions at that point.  floors are spendy and so i opted to wait.  oops.  i can live with most of the mistakes i make though. 

there could be a big earthquake tomorrow that would wipe out the entire house and when i redid the floors would not matter one bit 

marriage and relationships are not always a win.  50% end in divorce.  those being the ones that were bad enough that folks were willing to make the leap. then you have another large chunk of couples who remain married but truly can't stand each other, more that are there because of social/religious pressure.  others who stay because they are in abusive relationships and feel they can't escape. others who have kids and just can't imagine being totally alone for that.  there is also another subset of people who aren't in love, don't hate each other, but they maybe just have settled in as roommates really.  

so really, that leaves a pretty small percentage of marriages that are the truly happy bliss marriages that everyone imagines theirs will be on their wedding days. the odds are against it though.  i see those relationships the really good ones. in the hospital, end of life or during some tragedy or illness.  it does feel rare...yes, if i could feel secure that perhaps i was in one of those, well, maybe it would have been worth it.  

it's not that likely though. that is the reality.  i tend to be a realist. 

thankfully, i have always had great friends, some family that does actually accept me and a love of animals that has always brought me loads of comfort in the day to day. 

i have had a lot of great pets.  i feel badly this week as other than a great 4 days in Homer we have been pretty lazy. i know they deserve better on the days i get lazy, but overall, i think i do give them a pretty good life. 

my life is good, really good.  it has it's moments and the last few years with covid and some truth discoveries about what a family is and isn't...but in the end. i am grateful for covid and all the stress and anxiety. i feel like the politics, religion, pandemic...it brought out what is really important.  who really cares about you. who you really care about. clarity has been a gift, even if it's been a painful gift at times. it's still a life lesson that i will be grateful for. i had to be hit over the head with it.  it finally happened though and that has made all the difference. 

so no long term relationships.  a lot of short term ones. my sex numbers would shock a few family members i guess.  as i said, no regrets.  you regret the things you don't do, don't experience way more than the ones you do.  the religion i grew up on i feel is stunting to life.  it prevents you from gaining life experiences.  you can only do the authorized experiences.  for some that is enough i guess.  i much prefer all the freedom that came with leaving and all the people and things i was able to do and meet by leaving. 

we were told we had free agency while also being told repeatedly to hold fast to the iron rod, do exactly as you are told to do.  all that you need to do to get to heaven, but not just heaven, the highest level of heaven.  threats of loss of this and that if you let go of the iron rod.  i'm so happy i tossed the iron rod aside and instead opted out and opted in to free agency.  according to the doctrine there was a battle in heaven before we were born and we fought for free agency...only to give it up by being born under the covenant.  to me that was and is just the most elitist doctrine.  that we were born into some better life because we'd fought so valiantly in the war in heaven.  an unnecessary war really.  if God is all powerful why would we need a war, why would this satan guy have so much control and power.  it all falls apart when you really examine all the bits and pieces. 

my guess is my siblings never felt i was intelligent enough to figure it out.  perhaps they will trust their own children when they figure it out.  as i said though, my feeling is once you reach a certain age, the last thing you want to admit or discover is that your whole life has been based on some perverted polygamist cult leader bull. taking in one or even two extra wives because there was so much loss as the "saints" marched to Utah is one thing but taking on 20, 30, 40, 50, 60+...that is straight up perversion.  also it started with the founder who never went to Utah. the lies are so numerous and silly.  i've covered it before in here. i just was never one who could look the other way at the nonsense we were supposed to look the other way about. 

for me, it was just straight up nonsense. 

guess i really should get the dogs walked. 

trek to Homer was great. so happy i had that extra day.  not loads of stars at Bishops Beach but still lots of cool stuff.  the last day i did go to the end of the spit and tide wasn't too low but low enough to enjoy the stars on the pilings...well until a pack of wild children stormed the area and just started grabbing sea stars, yanking them off poles.  all the other adults, aside from their oblivious parents, were horrified. as they tossed the stars, stacked them...it was nuts.  all the other adults did jump in and start to tell the kids this was not okay. 

saw a live octopus the first morning.  got video and i put my finger by one of the tentacles and it did latch on.  they are very strong. 

there is a baby walrus rescue at the SeaLife Center.  it's about a month and only 140 #. not eating great i guess so we shall see if it makes it.  i sent an email to volunteer to help with the cuddle times, no work back from them.  i also sent a donation.  

not loads of walrus on Round Island this year and only one camera working on one first beach. not much walrus action there. the crew will probably be leaving soon. so that's a bummer. 

where to walk.  you always worry about bears but you still gotta get out there. part of me worries that the odds are getting worse for me. i mean i've had several bear encounters but none have ended poorly for me or the dogs...makes me wonder when will that luck wear out. i'm getting older and slower.  i'm also more emotionally dependent on my dogs and cats so it's much harder when i do lose them.  you would think you'd get used to losing pets but i think it just gets compounded. 

will go see Oppenhiemer movie tonight with friends.  hear it's good but also long. 

may be a bit depressing. humans really do suck some times.

such a cute crew of pets i have.  they really do make me smile. 

got my next schedule put in. it never seems to go without a glitch. i had to call.  it kept saying days were already full and i get to schedule a day before everyone else so that wasn't true. so it took 3 tries to get it in. hopefully, it's how i wanted it.  

back to work tomorrow night. 

i do enjoy my time off. can't wait until i have even more time off.  life does feel like it's starting to normalize more post pandemic.  will it ever be the same, probably not.  i suspect i'll always have some anxiety related to work. i've been around death and other peoples trauma for decades, whether it was human or animals. that has to impact you.  you push it down so you can be strong for those who are immediately impacted but it impacts you too. i suspect covid just put us at a level where we could no longer brush it aside.  

have a good day.  any other questions? not sure i really answered anything.  haha. oh well. 

grateful for A.  another relaxing trek to Homer tide pools B. the octopus sighting C. places like SeaLife Center to try and rescue baby walrus and other marine creatures.