pure JOY...

 

so much fun!  just a quick note in the wee hours. recovering from my week with the coolest people and of course, work as well. 5 nieces and myself never stopped and got lucky on weather.  we explored and adventured together. 

total giggles, laughter and love was experienced. everyone got along perfectly. no drama. this is how it should be always...i'm so happy they all came and that we all had such a grand time together. CB was first to arrive. at 3 am i was awake checking weather. things looked great in Whittier.  i set alarm for 0700 and called and got us in for a paddle trek. these are from that paddle. beautiful weather and  a great start to the week. love this of the fishing boat and the glacier

after our hike we explored Whittier a bit and then hiked up Portage Pass. that night SH arrived, more laughter and then we crashed. the next morning KR arrived. we got ready for a stay in a dry cabin at Eklutna Lake. we hiked Arctic Valley and headed to the cabin.  more good weather.  a baby bear sighting and a campfire with s'mores. we played a card game CB had brought. 

after a restful sleep we headed out to Matanuska Glacier. we played with the dogs out front and then took a walking tour on the glacier. it was a beautiful drive out and just an amazing walk on the ice.  tons of photo ops.  we ate dinner in Palmer on the way back and then got ready for the turn around for Homer. we got in to my place late, set up the house for the full house of guests. only one night did we all sleep there. KC and KT arrived after 1 am.  led them to the office and a blow up mattress and let them know we were waking up at 0600 for the next adventure.  

we got on the road early. we had a float down the Kenai River scheduled. that was a great break on the long drive to Homer. lots of laughter.  i got individual time with each of my nieces which was just some of the most favorite bits for me. SH and i got to chill in Seldovia as the sisters took a hike and the others had car time. long chats.  

we all just got along so fabulous. i really can't express how glorious the week was. 

we settled in to our digs at the Seaside Cottages in Homer.  we headed to the spit to walk the beach, walk amongst the flowers, eat i think and swing. 

in the morning i was braiding hair just like i had done for them decades ago. clearly something they all remembered and enjoyed from their childhoods. 

we played the card game again, laughed til we cried.  took a late night sunset walk on Bishops Beach. 

the next day was a water taxi out to do a hike to Gwenwich Glacier. you get dropped at one end.  take a side trail to the glacial lake and then hike back to another beach for pick up. it's about 5 miles so we had time to chill at the lake and get some photos. 

i ended up getting blisters....i toughed it out though and bought supplies when we got back in town. 

dinner out again and then more fun and laughter.  we went to sleep to the sound of giggling. 

saw a young moose on the drive and a black bear ran across the road ahead of us. 

our second full day in Homer we headed on the ferry to Seldovia.  we had looked at options but the ferry was the best one i think. the sisters took the otterbaun trail. SH and I had both been before and neither of us had been able to explore town too much.  for her it had been that most of the shops were closed and for me, i'd had the dogs. 

the dogs had a live in pet sitter for the time we were in Homer.  later my amazing friend, JH, stayed here between shifts to keep them company. love when i do not have to worry about the pets.  did miss them and they always love Homer so that is always hard to leave them  behind.  easier, especially with a large group. 

we woke early the next day and went for a walk on Bishops Beach. then to Salty Girl for last minute shopping.

the store clerk watched us all a bit and then was all, "i have to know, what is going on, who are you guys to each other".  it was explained that i was the aunt who had been the bad influence and they were sisters/cousins. 

guess i'm still a bad influence.  in the end the worst will always be assumed by a certain segment of the family. i will always be blamed, no matter what the truth is.  at some point you live for you and for those who like you despite your flaws, but also see you for the good that is in you. 

most of the time in these situations..it's more about them and their issues than your own.  the family secrets trickle out over time and you discover that the lives you see are not the truth of those lives lived. sometimes people don't like that you are happy.  i left so i was supposed to get punished. if i'm happy then they have to wonder what all their bizarre sacrifices are really for i  think. 

also had a 30 sec encounter that ended up turning into drama after my family had left. not sure what the point of even telling me was? really felt like i was punked in the end.  i'm usually the ruminating, overly sensitive one...so surprised when it was someone who is always unflappable and confident.  you can apologize but you can't always expect to be forgiven...after several back and forths...i guess i was.  i don't think it will ever be right though but in life,  you have to just move on some times. as i said, i really have to question what the point was of sharing this with me. just made it all worse. 

we wandered the docks after  shopping and saw lots of cool stuff, jellies and an otter.  we had a few otter sightings

this is a dirty mountain goat. i guess they were rescuing one today that got caught behind the wire net they put up to catch rocks. i hope the rescue was successful. 

we drove back towards Anchorage on Friday, stopping in Seward for a side trip.  we ate and hit the sealife center.  puffins were on the list to see. no time for a full boat ride.  

it's 2 am now so i'm not sure i'll make it out to Seward tomorrow for a boat trip tomorrow. there is one at 11:30 so have set the alarm and we shall see.  would love to see if i can find some whales to enjoy. weather and wind are supposed to be good.  they can usually squeeze one passenger in.  

i worked the last two nights and then walked with LS this afternoon.  we did the Campbell Airstrip

the mushrooms are starting to pop out like crazy.  all this rain is good for that anyway.

4 of my visitors left that night and it was just CB and i. we got yet another early start and headed back to Seward.  had a night at Orca Island scheduled. glamping in well stocked yurts.  just bring clothes and food.  it never stopped raining the whole time we were there. 

we went for a second paddle. we were at the mouth of a creek at high tide.  we just chilled there and enjoyed watching the salmon run beneath our kayak and there were a few sea lions that joined us and were busy fishing.  so that as super fun to watch.  

i had the most ungraceful exit out of the kayak.  they have kayak cradles on their docks.  Haley out there was super nice but we decided she's kind of the weakest link.  lol.  she was no help getting me out as i flopped around trying to not fall out of the kayak.  does need to be stabalized for exit. finally i got out of there.  we relaxed by the fire, walked the boardwalks and in the morning....humpback

i looked out our yurt door first thing and there was a humpback. so we watched in move out of Humpy Cove and then back in. it popped up right off shore in front of us. no photo's.  just a pretty surprising showing.  great to see. 

heart rock.  great to be home with the dogs. 

thankful for A.  an amazing and memory filled trip with my nieces.  B.  safe travels for all C. awesome weather and adventures.

cleaning and prep for guests continues...

 

love the cleaning part. of course, i realize that my level of what is considered "clean" can be very different from others.  still, nice to get a layer of crap and dirt out of the way.  i need more visitors for this push to get stuff done

this spring/summer i have bagged over 10 bags i think of old cloths/linen.  i still have way too many clothes but it is good to drop them in the bins for others to use.  sad how much we hang on to. things that have memories attached or are just way too small. i think also we think of the money spent and hate to just feel that was wasted.  there were some cute old tops that i went to some fun parties in...they had their day and i had my day in them.  it was time to let them go.  

always great to re-organize as well.  need to start going through all these photo albums. they take up a lot of room and over time they are falling apart.  figure i should give photo's of the nieces and nephews to them as i think their kids and their kids kids eventually would enjoy them. pare down a bit.  maybe select some favorites for a few albums. there are just some things that are tough to know what to do with...though i know after i die someone will unceremonially  dump them. not much of this stuff in our lives really matters. it's the memories. those are inside of us and go with us to whatever happens after our time here.

still, i do enjoy the photo's and the memories.  the clothes are easier. there are actually other humans that may enjoy your cast offs. the first load i took to the womens shelter.  this last load went to the ARC of Anchorage. 

made a run to Valdez on my last stretch off.  lots of rain in town off and on. the big tent i stayed in was a bit chilly.  okay once i was snuggled in my bag.  always beautiful scenery. 

the lupine was out like crazy, which was really the big drive for me to load up. 

got a big pre-set up tent at the KOA. i thought a little bag had been snagged from the community bathroom area. i actually just found it though under the seats in the back. it had dropped down.  so the KOA is pretty safe.  no bears sighted. i took my little boat for a possible paddle. the ice bergs are huge and i didn't think it was overly safe to be out there alone. 

it's been cloudy or rainy nearly the entire summer so far.  a few days here and there. the weather does look like it may be nice next week when my nieces get here. it will be a crazy week filled with activity so should be fun. 

the dog park has been closed this past week. a little oil spill is getting cleaned up. all the rain sounds to have caused some source to overflow.  i have been going there, but just avoiding the lake itself.  so far it's been fine.  the spill is at the outlet area so pretty easy to avoid really. 

meeting at least one friend for a walk in a bit here so i thought i'd toss in a blog post real quick. 

actually did the campbell airstrip on my own the other day, the 4th of july.  really not big on celebrating the 4th. our nation feels so f'd up with our past potus and his cult followers seeming ready to revolt.  

i feel like the past few years have been very stressful. i stress that is just there below the surface at all times. this past month or so i've had strange numbness and tingling sensations that move from place to place on my face, nose, tongue, hands. i'm noting that it seems to follow my new friend, anxiety.  

the other night as i was getting ready for work and heading to work these symptoms seemed to escalate as i felt myself hitting a full panic attack.  i got report and started to do my job and it all just went away. so many other things it could be.  MS, pinched nerve, carotids, stroke...it's not one sided, no other symptoms other than the increased anxiety and panic. seems almost a bit of agoraphobia.  i have been slower and slower to leave the house for walks these past few months/years i think. i'm noticing as soon as i start to text and make plans...i can start to have the mixed sensations. 

i do have a Dr appointment scheduled.  may need to get on something more regular for the anxiety until i can get it better controlled and i want to see if there are other tests i should have to rule out other things. 

i suspect all of the stresses have just caught up with me.  a mini mental breakdown, slow and steadily worsening. strange. between covid, work, family, dealing more with the impacts of the church i grew up in, the politics of the day and the loss of Tusker, Ivy surgery...

part of me actually feels like my body is reacting because i am recovery. my body feels safe enough to release the stress. it's how things have happened in the past. your body seems to protect you during the worst of it all. eventually, you have to go through the stress that's built up. even just years of being a nurse, and animal nurse.  dealing with everyone else's trauma, drama, death.  you take all the emotions and cram them far away.  you have to deal with what is in front of you.  covid really just brought it all to the forefront.  

i think also i finally stopped trying to appease people.  before i just almost allowed myself to be the bad guy in my family.  i mean i was the one who left the church, im the one who rocked the boat. perhaps i was the one who deserved what ever came to me.  i never would counter their judgement by just saying the words out loud...i do not believe your church is true.  we never had those conversations. they  just assumed the worst of me and continued with their beliefs.  i think the nasty message from my brother broke me in that way.  they gave him the benefit of the doubt and doubted me.  

it was laid bare.  i would never fully be accepted or respected. the worst would be imagined.  at some point you have to stop chasing after people and relationships that are just not going to emerge.  for decades the bulk of the effort was me.  i have called less and less and i have found that the less i call the less contact we have...it was me that created and continued these so called relationships. 

at some point you have to stop chasing and hoping for relationships with people who really aren't that into having a relationship with you.  let them go.  accept things as they are instead of hoping or forcing them to be different.  the reunion was kind of it for me.  a time to bid those relationships farewell one last time. 

it doesn't mean i have hate or  would refuse a call or contact.  just that for me...covid made all things more clear.  who was supportive, who actually wanted me in their lives.  less is better.  i'd rather have just a few close people than loads of surface bull. 

so it's been painful and i'm sure i have buried a lot...much that is no doubt being released.  

have been working on this guys hair the last few days.  i go back and forth between leaving him all fluffy and with long hair and trimming him up.  i think it's relaxing and bonding though the grooming bit for both of us. 

in truth as a single female...touch is nearly non-existent. grooming and contact with even a dog is some contact. haha. probably healthy for us both.  he looks adorable either way. 

lots of cleaning to do still. i'll need to hit the pet store after the walk.  write up something for the pet sitter. she's stopping by this evening. 

the pets have really been a life saver for me these past few years i think. i'm always grateful for the connection i have with animals.  it's been huge for me

just writing this stuff has brought up the anxiety level for me. 

my back has been getting sore this past week.  actually called out last night. it was just the one night and my back was really tweaking. i took a muscle relaxant and headed to bed early. i've been awake early this past week.  the other day i woke up at like 3 am.  had gone to bed early too since i'd worked 3 nights. 

it was pouring and the neighbors across the street had a door open on their car.  i had gotten into a cleaning mode with the 3 am wake up...so on one of my trash take outs i walked over in the rain and closed the door.

earlier that day the neighborhood dogs were going nuts and then my dogs were going nuts. i looked out and there was a mama and baby moose hauling arse down the street.  too fast for me to get a photo. the neighborhood facebook group later said there was a black bear checking garbage bins. probably what got her spooked. 

she is down to one calf so the bears probably got one already. 

she's a tough mama so i'm sure she put up a fight. 

want to check the WARIS mail as well. worked CSU the past 2 shifts. ICU for 2 shifts. would have been in CSU again i think. they are super short staffed.  not bad nights at all.

was on call the first night and only ever got one patient in. 

so that was really nice. got called in fairly early as well. patient didn't come for several hours. helped with a trauma patient.  yikes is all i can say on that one. guess they are doing better.  that was one lucky person!

eagle river nature center fairly early on in the spring...on a nice day.  i think i had a massage that day.  often dog free after the massage i head out there. the massage never lasts long so it gets tough to justify the expense. 

gotta pay bills tomorrow morning. we get paid.  i do have the holiday pay coming for the next round so that will be nice. 

always love all the reflections.  

rain again last night.  

it's just been that kind of summer.  already some mushrooms popping up so hopefully we will get loads of mushrooms this summer.  

winter will come again soon enough. strange that with all this rain we've had we haven't had that many rainbows. this place can get crazy with rainbows. 

i should stop and get the oil changed on the element. maybe tomorrow. 

want to move the little boat over to the element now that all the clothes were dropped off

it's all green up here now.  don't feel i've been very adventurous this year.  oh well.  still seen some pretty things and i'm happy i took the chance at the run to Valdez. it's a long drive but a pretty one. 

grateful for A.  healing even it it means added anxiety for a bit B. acceptance even if the acceptance is also painful and disappointing.  C. the animals and the humans who stay in my life because they want to. who accept me, who actually appreciate and like me.