"42"

 just watched this great movie so i had to write a note.  some movies really get you.  i love baseball.  not that i really follow it at this point.  when i was a kid though, my life seemed tied to the game.

 we lived fairly close to dodger stadium.  don't really recall going to games as a little kid, but pre teen/teenage years i spent a lot of time at games.  my brothers and i went.  mostly we got the cheap seats in the bleachers.  i didn't have money, my brothers must have paid.  i was a pretty shy and awkward kid.  my brother, Joel, always took me along with he and his friends and tom, my other brother.  i remember overhearing a conversation my brother was having with his friends.  they were hoping to persuade him to leave me behind.  he just said, "if she doesn't go, i don't go".  that was it.  i was just that kid sister always along.  that may have been the first time i realized they weren't totally on board with me joining them .

 i read books about baseball and the dodgers and i read a book about jackie robinson.  he really was incredibly brave.  loved the movie.  it takes a lot of courage to not fight back when you are faced with complete idiots.  sometimes that is the best way to bring the point home.  i loved the owner, they did a great job characterizing him as well.  he wanted to right a wrong and he seemed to totally understand what was needed to make this happen, what kind of man would be able to break the old standard.  he saw all those traits in jackie robinson.

 funny that i was reading about this black player who changed baseball while growing up in a religion that was teaching me that god made people black to punish them for being bad.  in the 70's the mormons received a convenient inspiration that allowed black men to hold the priesthood.  not sure what they ever said about the whole blacks being black as a punishment thing.  i'm always amazed that anyone who is black would join the mormon church given that history.  it was something i wasn't comfortable with even as a kid.

 having been born white i have been spared so much adversity.  i have not been spared the embarrassment that comes with being white and realizing that so many others who share my skin colour are complete idiots.  somehow you feel guilty by association.  whether it be treatment of good men like jackie robinson or the mass killings of buffalo in the plains.  white men especially have made some pretty bonehead moves.  i can only hope that my actions are an improvement on my races history.

 my great uncle carl had season tickets to the dodger games.  every so often he would call and say they were available.  those were sweet seats right behind the catcher, front row.  basketball, wasn't as appealing to me.  i think partly as i was not invited to participate.  actually got a spanking over a basketball game once.  my dad only took the boys to basketball games, i wanted to go.  i was just a kid, i think i just wanted to spend some time with my dad.  i got pretty angry over never being invited and ultimately, i called my dad a "male chauvanist pig".  i must have picked that up from tv.  he didn't appreciate it i guess.  i've always been one to speak my mind.  it's gotten me in trouble sometimes.  that time it got me a whooping i guess.

 another baseball memory.  i was in jr high, i was a pretty big fan of the boys in the uniforms at that time and was hoping to one day marry a baseball player.  they made money and were away a lot.  probably was a sign that a typical marriage wasn't in my future come to think of it.  i got a petition together, got people to sign it any everything..it named them the hottest baseball team in the league.   yes...i was a strange and geeky kid from jr high through high school.  took me a long time to find myself.

 baseball though and the stories of courage such as the story of jackie robinson did have an impact on me.  if he was brave enough to break into baseball and put up with all he did i could walk away from a church i didn't believe was true.  you have to stand up for what you believe and what you deserve.  life is too short to live it not true to yourself.

 my life isn't perfect, but i do live true to who i am and what i believe.  there is always more to learn and to strive for.  it's not always easy to be brave and forge ahead especially the more years that pass.  you get comfortable, even in conditions that are less than ideal.  it's good to shake it up.  i still fight to accept myself and feel that others accept me.  i'm my own worst enemy in that way.  it's odd though really. i feel very confident in myself, but somehow don't believe that anyone else see's me the way i see myself.

 never have been able to figure out how to believe that other people see positive things in me.  still have that voice in my head of my dad, always with the but....you did well at this but...this meal is good but...i can't get that but out of my head no matter how many times people compliment me, that but remains.

 my life is happy. i have been very blessed and i'm grateful for all the gifts i have been gifted.  not sure how well i would have been able to hold up to all the crap jackie robinson had to deal with.  there are many who sacrifice comfort and peace and personal safety in order to bring about social change.  society doesn't like to change, but it is often necessary.

it's after 2 am and i really should get to sleep.  not that i have big plans for tomorrow.  tempted to see if there is room at the hotel by bishops beach.  hmm....do want to get down to homer before the summer is over.  good night all.