melt down, then move on...

 at least i hope that is how it works.  today was melt down.  a comment was made, but that doesn't matter really. it was going to happen at some point.  happy it happened at home rather than at work.  these are again from my denali highway drive.  below are close ups on the tundra...always amazing in fall.

 anyway, i started to tear up, then cry and i just couldn't stop...hours went by and still those tears kept coming.  i'm not a crier and i didn't feel sad or down.  it was simply a release of all the stress i'd been holding since that bear woke me up.  i'm of the generation of be tough and not to let your emotions show.  another girl gene i guess i missed...maybe it was the influence of all those brothers, i had 5.  if you showed weakness, well, you just didn't. i was also taught to be extremely independent and the truth is we all need other humans from time to time.

 some of us get by without them more often.  you have to understand that since i met this bear i had no physical, real time interaction with anyone i knew.  it was all just phone and texts.  i needed a hug, i needed reassurance, i needed to feel i was really heard and understood.  i think getting around friends in real time just became critical for me.

 i reached out...and thankfully there are a lot of people in my life that are willing to do what is needed.  happy to do what is needed.  amy met me for a walk with the dogs.  we saw no bears, just loads of moose.  i got a hug, i had someone to listen and support me.  thanks amy!!  gail came by later and just sat with me and we ordered out food.  thank you gail as well.

 i am grateful for the texts and phone calls and kind words on facebook as well.

 today i needed contact.  anytime we experience a trauma our bodies protect us to some extend.  our brains go into a mode that saves us from feeling.  saves us from feeling anything really.  eventually, that protection wears off though and we are left with the truth of what we have been through.  we are raw.  for some, this happens in a few hours or days.  for some who have had long and continued trauma's or extreme trauma's this protection may not wear off for months of years.  i suppose some have trauma's so bad that the body just takes the memory of it and encapsulates it forever really.

 i didn't time how long i was fighting off this bear, trying to keep him from coming into my car and possibly killing me.  i suspect though that the whole incident lasted less than 10 min, maybe less than 5 minutes. time moves slowly.  you just react.

 i live in alaska, i'm outdoors a lot...i know that anyone who lives here and lives like i do will eventually have serious encounters.  this doesn't mean i enjoy them or look for them.  it still scares the shit out of me to have a bear trying to attack me or a moose coming down the trail at me.  it's terrifying to have the face of a glacier come down and deal with the huge waves that result from this.  it's terrifying to be in an airplane and have the captain say, "we are having a problem with the landing gear, listen to the flight attendants and prepare for a crash landing".  it's terrifying to be in a seemingly small boat with huge seas all around you.

 but this is the life i live, the risk i take.  that doesn't mean i take the dangerous situations lightly and am not impacted by them.

 i am also possibly not very good at expressing fear or weakness or terror even.  i remained calm, which probably gave some the impression that this was just one of those silly alaskan moments, that it really wasn't that big of a deal.  i'm not sure i know how to be any other way.

 this wasn't expected though.  this bear did not behave as one would expect a bear to behave.  you can't predict how bears will react totally but they do tend to back down and move on rather than deal with humans.  getting into an empty car is one thing, continuing to attempt to get into a car with a human and two dogs is not the normal.  continuing on in this when there is noise and honking... i knew i had a very determined and possibly desperate bear on my hands.  he was getting in.  it was just a matter of time.  that window was going to fail.

 people say they can smell bears.  i never have been able to.  i didn't that morning either.  he was inches from me and i don't remember any smells.  it was just a face and claws.

 there was just that one piece of glass between us.  that is not very comforting, especially when there is an inch gap opening and you see the bears claws catching on that gap.  you know he's going to be in the car with you at any moment.  you are thinking of everything you need to do to keep that from happening.  it doesn't feel real and yet it is real...horribly, terribly real.

 so today, i cried and couldn't stop.  i feel drained.  i haven't had any nightmares. i sleep great.  i have absolute peace in my sleep. i have seen that bears face in the window several times while i've been awake though.  a flash here or there.  he is still with me.

 i'm grateful that i have the chance to have a melt down.  there are so many other ways this could have gone. i could easily be dead, or seriously injured and hospitalized...if i'd been that lucky.  my dogs could have been hurt, killed or so scared they ran off into the woods to unknown fates.  so in the big picture a day spent bawling is no big deal.  it's what you have to do to get to the other side sometimes.

 life is to be lived.  they say it's better to have loved and lost, i say it's better to have lived and lost.  that is more inclusive.  i'll still take a grizzly bear trauma than many other trauma's that others in this world have endured, or must endure.

 rather not have it happen again though.

 i'm not looking forward to the next time i see a bear out there.  not sure how blossom will react either.  she does seem spooked still and is sticking close to me.  rio seems her usual self.

 i've no doubt my heart will beat a little faster when i hit a trail and see one of those bear warning signs.

 don't want to let this meeting with a rogue bear alter the person i am.  it will no doubt alter some of the ways i do things but do them i will.

 happy that it's near sleeping time for the bears though and hopefully after a long winter my fears and anxiety will have softened a bit.

 scenery like this is why i am here and why i do what i do.  this land, this place is amazing but it can sometimes come at a price.

 the rain is coming down outside.

 thinking it's time to plan a post bear party.  will have to think of a snappy name and invite people over.  try to make light of it all eventually.  laughter and time and friends...a healthy way to recover from the very bad day when i met a bear.

 don't think i've eaten very well these last few days so it was good to have a friend here and to actually eat.

 was laughing. i have often joked that if i was being attacked by a bear i would put my arse to it so that my saddle bags get eaten...thus giving me an excuse to have plastic surgery to restore my arse to a much more pleasant shape.  of course, this thought did not occur to me out there in the sourdough campground. i remain still a saddle bag sister.  

 other news out there.  a poor guy was attacked by a grizzly further north and is recovering in a hospital.  seems like a bad summer for flying in small planes up here.  so sad, several deaths out there.  my heart goes out to these people and what they must be going through.

 hoping a deal is being brokered with syria to just give up their chemical weapons, which who knows, was maybe the plan all along and they were just doing this get congress to ok a strike just to get leverage and convince this guy to just give up the chemicals.  we will see.

 the world drones on despite my little trauma and melt down.

 things much worse than a bear.

 and still i get to live here and enjoy all of this.

blossom leans on the window where just a few hours before madness had happened.  dogs move on quickly though i think. she's still her adorable self.  thanks for all the kind words and support.  hoping tomorrow will be a more normal day for me.

betsy vs "the Grizzly"...

 you will notice none of these are photo's of said grizzly.  there are no photo's of the grizzly bear.  a few reasons...mostly 1. it never occurred to me to pick up a camera as i was battling off a potentially lethal animal 2. people always look stupid when they've been killed by a grizzly and then are found to have pictures of the bear on their cameras when they should have been avoiding the attack and 3. i find that when i'm scared shitless the camera is not steady enough for a decent picture so why bother.  this seems to be the most asked question after are you ok.

 so as is usual for me i planned very little of my trek to the denali highway.  i packed for the various possibilities.  i had a tent and knew that i could always sleep in my element if it came to that.  the element isn't the most comfy but it is doable.  it was a bit rainy, but that didn't hinder me.  it's a bit of a drive but i was shooting for paxson lake campground. i've stayed there before and it was nice.

 i noticed another campground a bit before that one called sourdough creek  campground.  another state campground so cheap $12 for the night.  seemed okay.  i did notice a sign that said no tent camping was allowed due to a grizzly bear that had been, well i can't remember the exact wording, but basically mucking with tents.  no biggie...i'd sleep in the car.

 took me some time to get the right sleeping position for me and both dogs and i eventually slammed a benedryl as i wasn't getting to sleep.  by about 2 am i was out.  stretched out in the laid down back seat with my legs stretched out on rio catalina, the mastiff.  blossom had the front seats and was stretched between the drivers and passengers. i had loads of extra blankets...i was most worried that i would be cold.
i purposely parked fairly close to the campground hosts in slot #3.  i also selected a site right across from bathroom.  i got in rain gear, grabbed my bear spray and took the dogs for a loop around the campground before settling in for the night.  no problems noted.

 i'm not sure what woke me, the car must have shaken pretty good what with a grizzly bouncing off of it or it could have been the sounds of his teeth and claws attempting to get at the passenger side window. it was kinda like when my dogs want to get into something...they bite at it and then rapidly scratch at it.  but woke i did.  it takes you a second when you are looking at this big bear clawing at your window to really get that a bear is trying to get into your car.  that is a grizzly...it's trying to get in here.  oh my god!!

 i stood up in the back and started screaming at the bear.  he wasn't put off by that.  then i reached over the front seat and began honking the horn repeatedly...to scare the bear and alert other campers that i was in distress.  i was pretty freaked as i had left the side windows down an inch to let fresh air in.  it can actually get stuffy and hot in a closed up car with two dogs...and rio farts so all that methane could be lethal...i'm sure of it!!

 i knew that if the bear got his nails in just the right place and pulled that whole window would pop out and then the real mess would begin.  it's not like the bear would kindly ask for the bag of dorito's that he had smelled and leave.  the dogs and i would be taken to bits in the process.  i could jump out but he could follow me.  would he rather eat dog, human or dorito's...i have no idea...

 anyway, the yelling and honking were doing nothing.  it seemed like forever but i doubt it really was.  i jumped over the seats to the drivers seat and grabbed the keys...which i had thankfully set in a specific easy to get to spot. i don't know how, but thanks to god, that i got the key right in and started up the car.  this caused the bear to jump off the car...hallelujah!!

 no time to celebrate though as that bear decided that wasn't going to stop him and he jumped right back on the car and back to getting that window out.  i began honking the horn again as i tried to hit the car in reverse.  the bear jumped off again.

 he started around the car and then turned back and started back. i started honking the horn again.  he slowly walked away and turned back yet again.  i knew that bear was not going to stay gone and i pulled out and drove around the campground, warning people that the bear was determined.  one couple had seen the bear trying to get into trashcans and had taken photo's.  the host came out and apparently this bear seems to make rounds about 8 am.  he was recently attempting to get into a truck.

 i looped back around to a more distant toilet to pee and get myself together and get out of there.

 there was food in the car, mostly in sealed containers.  i have car camped many times and done the same.  i'm sure i'll be more careful.  it's not like there aren't bears here, but i don't find too many bears rip into cars on any sort of regular basis.  bears do get desperate this time of year.  they have to fill up and fatten up before winter hits.  she seemed to think the fact i had the food in the car was reason enough for this bear to come after my car.  add to that the fact that i had my window open.  open and shut, humans fault.

 i'm willing to take my share of the blame, but i also think this bear has been working up to this or worse.  it was almost like this camp host enjoyed that this bear made it's rounds in her campground.  when i told her i didn't get any pictures, as she had made some comment about the other campers getting pictures,  she said it would have been the first thing she thought of.  i wanted to spread salmon juice on her door and see if getting a snap shot was really the first thing she thought of when a bear was working it's way into her rv.  if you don't actively try to discourage bears from entering campgrounds they will make it a habit...a bear with a habit like that is a dead bear. eventually, they become a threat to person or property and get shot.

 i was fairly calm initially, which is how stuff works sometimes. at least for me.  the anxiety and panic don't set in until later after i'm in a safer place.  so maybe i just looked too chill with the host for her to really think i was freaking out inside.  i'm sure my nursing has trained me well to look chill when i'm not.  as i drove across the denali highway it was just me and my thoughts.  how many times did that grizzly circle my car before he decided to go for it?  did he come by in the middle of the night a few times?  what if this had happened when it was pitch dark out instead of at 8 am where i had the light?  what would have happened if he'd gotten that window off?

 so my drive across, while absolutely and ridiculously stunning was not my most relaxing.  i needed to talk about what had happened to me but there was nobody i knew out there and i was out of cell phone range.

 i shook off and on through the day and just felt general anxiety.  i decided to just drive on back to anchorage tonight.

 i have no idea what the dogs thought of the whole thing.  a few people have asked if blossom barked.  i have no memory of her barking. i think the bear woke her up as well and i think it scared the crap out of her.  i could see her visibly shaking after i was in a safe place and able to look about.  poor rio.  i'm sure i scared her screaming like i was.  did she smell the bear.  did she sense from blossom and i's reaction that something bad was up.  she is blind so no way of knowing how she interpreted it all.  i think they are both happy to be home as well.  blossom was sleeping right where the bear would have jumped up on the car.

 the host asked me if it was the smaller bear...i just said it looked pretty damn large to me.  she later told me it was the younger and smaller bear.  curious i'm sure, but that bear wasn't taking no.  i'm thinking i'll make a few calls tomorrow and let someone know of my concerns of that bear and the campground.

 i am showered and home and safe and thankful.  so many things went right that could have gone wrong. i'm grateful for that.  that the window stayed in place, that this happened in daylight, that the keys were in the right place and that i wasn't fumbling through various pockets in search of them and that the bear spray was also located close though spraying it in a car that i'm in would be pointless really.

i feel sad for this bear as i know he will not be living a full life.  he is habituated to humans that that kills bears.  headed to bed...that is my tale.  i'm sure there is more thoughts on it all but that is the basics.  good night.