no life is perfect, but the imperfect is the time to grow...

 

so hopefully, i'm coming out of one period of growth and entering another period of life and living. 

it is easy, especially with social media to see others lives as perfect while critiquing our own as so flawed. first off, a perfect life can actually be dull and lacking in personal growth.  it may also just be a mask of the truth....more likely it is.  you just never know what others around you have endured in their life. so that perfect life may have had a lot of trauma in years past. things people have overcome and are now just in a different time in their life.  their life may be in a rest and joyous time while yours is in a period of tribulation and trauma. 

you really have to resist the urge to wallow in others happiness while judging yourself harshly. be happy for others who are in a state of joy in their lives.  that is often very hard to do really.  jealousy is a rough beast.  if you can find happiness for the happy though you can avoid the negative impact of the jealousy that is always in each of us. 

i feel like i am in a good place at the moment.  work, well, not my most favorite. not sure if it will get better there. i think it's just time for me to enter a new space.  that doesn't mean tomorrow i quit and do something else, but i think it does mean that i have done what i needed to do here and it probably is time for me to brave making a change in the next year or so. i think it's time i step away from others trauma's and death and pain.  perhaps find something a little calmer to round out a very good career of helping others. 

it's been a strange few weeks as i have ruminated a bit about someone else's rumination.  we think someone is forever strong and unflappable  but we are all flawed.  i assume the worst of myself as i think i have had the worst assumed in me.  i'm moving past that in my life.  my week with family helped me see that i wasn't nuts.  it was happening.  i was seen that way.  there was never going to be a way around that.  knowing it though makes it easier to step away from it all.  there is family and then there is family.  embrace the positive and step away from the negative.  speak out, speak freely....it is a healthy thing to not go around trying not to hurt feelings or walk on toes. walk on those toes.  it can be done in  a way that doesn't express anger or hatred.  it just expresses itself. i think i gain more confidence by just accepting the me that they will never accept. 

people have their own crap.  we will all be spoken of and not all of it will be positive and a rave review.  others may ruminate about us.  we may end up in a situation where their rumination takes something unintended and creates something very different. it's their stuff probably anyway.  people that you think have no stuff because either they were very private about it or you were just not aware or they are just better at covering up their own insecurities. still i am more annoyed at this point than sad or hurt. 

some stuff is just dumb. in the big picture.  don't let another's rumination about you negatively impact you. i am not perfect but i had no bad intentions in the smallest of social oversight.  we all get distracted from time to time.  we don't pick up on social cues or are just too distracted to be in a space. all you can do is apologize and try and move past it.  it's annoying because it's clearly something silly that will never be moved past and will continue to be awkward in the future.  i guess this person had several hours to ruminate and probably someone to ruminate with so there you have it. i've spent a great deal of my own time ruminating about silly things so i get it. we believe our brains even when our brains are being silly and overly sensitive. 

you just never know what other stuff people have in their heads.  maybe this incident allowed a release of some of the stress of their lives. it was misdirected but in the grand picture...i rarely if ever encounter this person so perhaps i have done a service in their life and situation by being that release.  get some of their frustration and hurt or what ever out.  give them something trivial to ruminate about so they can block out what ever is actually going on in their lives. 

just finished 3 night stretch. all in ICU. not bad. now i have two more coming. 

woke early today with a headache so i have tried various tricks to relieve that.  i think it's easing up but i will need to try and get some more solid sleep time. 

there are some low tide days coming up later this week.  i had wisely altered this weeks schedule to get some low tide time in.  so when i looked at it this weekend and confirmed that...i added on another night in Homer so that i can hit a negative 5 tide. so i'll sleep a bit Wednesday then head to Homer with the dogs. 

it's all the tiny things that i'm drawn to in life. i mean i do love general beautiful scenery but i have always loved the little things that many just walk over and past. 

it probably started as a child with tide pooling and beach combing.  we did both for hours as kids in Laguna Beach.  

later though i have added looking at wildflowers, mushrooms, ice formations.  it's really all the same. 

so three nights in Homer coming up with morning low tides to entice me and distract me from any life issues that i may have.  the tiny world is always a comfort to me.  

perhaps our tiny world is a comfort to others out there.  there has been alien talk of late.  not sure how that came to be and i didn't watch it. alien encounters with our military and non-military pilots i guess? 

i have heard that taking on aliens would not be wise. i mean they have figured out how to travel here from very distant spaces and have figured out a better system to power those treks.  are we their submarine tour? their moon exploration? except they are much more advanced than we are.  we must appear super primitive really. 

maybe they have watched us from the caveman times. we are getting more interesting again as we are in this time period of upheaval.  

maybe those aliens have just as many emotional issues as we do, so they come here to make themselves feel better about their own life issues. 

big knot on my right side. between my neck and my shoulder. both sides really but the right side is the source of this particular headache

haven't been to Hatchers at all this summer.  so crazy really. i usually have gotten there. so much rain though you just figure why drive out to walk in the rain.  so i just walk in the rain here.

2 nights of work to go.  will i be in icu all week. 

i rotate around and sometimes i get in a cycle with this unit or that unit. 

i did reach out to the explore.org chatters.  it's a small group but they really love the walrus.  sadly the camera has been aimed at a beach this summer that has had little to no activity.  we need explore to keep up their support so it's a drag that the walrus cam hasn't really been that active. i guess the walrus have spent more time in other haul outs. the numbers overall have been low on the island.  

there is probably one less bear in my neighborhood. there has been a black bear making the rounds of trash cans.  last night i saw a post that the police had been called out for an agitated bear in this area. we do not have a shortage of bears in Alaska and most places have loads of bears...so rescue/rehoming a bear gets more complicated. sadly, that generally means death. 

a few more from the start of the trip with my family.  claire and i had that first day together so as Whittier had good weather we made a kind of 0700 decision to head there.  we had a beautiful paddle followed by a hike up Portage Pass.  we had the place to ourselves once we hit the top. 

it's just how it worked out. 

i'm getting very sleepy now. the drugs i took for my headache are kicking in. it rarely gets beyond a few excedrins. 

avoiding that rare migraine is the best option. i feel bad for those who get migraines a lot. they are a huge nuisance. 

hopefully, just sleep a few hours then get up and walk the dogs, hit the grocery store. got some laundry done yesterday. will try to pack up between shifts so i can  get on the road fairly quickly once i wake up Wednesday. 

i'm going to be chilling with the dogs in Homer.  they are great buddies. lucky dogs do not ruminate.  they must have been exceptional in their past lives.  much closer to nirvana than any humans out there. 

i really don't know what, if anything, comes after this life. i am actually more at peace with the not knowing than i ever was as a kid with the "knowing".  the big plan seems cruel and ridiculous to me. the current God seems pretty petty and mean. imagine docking people for such trivial things.  also sending some people to hell for seemingly small infractions while sending horrific people to the same hell for brutalities. 

none of it ever made sense or seemed rational or fair minded. who is this god?

out on our paddle.  hopefully, my writing isn't falling off like my brain is at this moment.  trying to stretch while i am relaxed...get these knots out.  can i get rolling fmla for just being older and tired? people get that rolling fmla for so many things.  i had started to fill out forms/look into it but most of my sick calls are just related to work and age.  this job is taxing on our bodies and souls i think.  overtime we just have aches that come from that work. if i wasn't working i wouldn't feel so knotty and achy. one co-worker was saying she has to pre-medicate with ibuprofen before work and then again before she goes to bed after work.  

i suspect after i retire from this i'll sleep for weeks, then my body will recover a bit and the aches and headaches will dramatically decrease. one can hope. 

i'm happy i just have trivial things to ruminate about these days.  that i need only to ruminate about others ruminations.  that is a good space.  i'll take it. 

the ferry is in town. i've been on most of the states ferries. always fun.  

haven't made it out to Yakutat.  i was a slacker again this summer with the annual trip. for sure time to bring that back and see something new each summer of Alaska. repeats are not a bad thing either though.  so happy i have taken so many cool adventures in this amazing place.  

i really got lucky with the right people at the right time.  memories are the best.  it's also best to remind myself to not let this strange 30 second event tarnish years of positive memories. 

it's time to get back out there and make more new memories.  we certainly did that last week with my relatives. we made some wonderful memories. 

it was happy smiling people without the crazy of evangelicals and right wing nut jobs. 

it was just love and laughter and nature. 

you can't go wrong there ever!

well, pets are fed, trash picked up without having a bear get into it.  

i better grab a bite to eat and then take a nice nap again. fingers crossed the headache is gone when i wake up. 

thankful for: A. love, laughter and nature B. sleep, deep and lovely. C. the creatures that share my life and always accept me for who i am.  

warm day made for a lazy day...

 

not sure why some days are just harder to get motivated than others. it was warm and sunny so that should make me rush outside to pretty places. instead i just wanted to chill. 

these are in Hatchers Pass. always a pretty place to go.  had i been more motivated today perhaps i could have ended up here again. 

lots of yard time with the dogs...and one Covid Cat.

i had an appointment for the CR-V this morning so i headed there to get the trim fixed and drop off one of the tires to be made into a full spare. i also arranged to get new lights in the dash for the Element.  it would be nice to see how fast i'm driving once winter hits and it's all dark.

now that the car is functioning it seemed like a good idea to fix this as it was on my list before the engine went out. 

isn't this little guy cute. 

never made it out for a real walk though.  poor pups. they are so tolerant of me.  i pulled some weeds and put in several of the button things on the stairs.  many more to go.  i may do a bit of stencil work. i like to combine actual work with play work.  gotta keep my art side happy. 

all work and no fun is not something that works very well.  still plugging away at the little piles of things that collect.  need to look at the weather.  should have put some stuff out with the free sign this weekend.  

did chat for awhile with my niece in Texas. always fun...and enlightening.  she is wise.  :-) 

Covid Cat just ran in from outside.  seemed in a bit of a rush.  

watched a runner today.  she fell and was in last and just booked right back to the front of the pack to win.  then i saw her race again and win again.  some people are just crazy fast.  i was never any good at running.  

of course, my early memories of attempting to run in my neighborhood in L.A. are of a guy pulling over to "ask for directions" while jerking off. oh i was so innocent back in those days...and i got flashed more than the average person i'm sure of it.  i recall being in college and we were at McDonalds and a flasher showed up. i knew exactly what was up.  they were all shocked..i was just shocked that they all weren't getting flashed as much as i was. not sure what vibe i put out there that made men flash me, but there it is. 

now i just see naked bodies all the time.  i suppose even if someone flashed me now i'd hardly notice.  perhaps all that flashing was to prepare me for a career as a nurse. 

it is getting darker earlier.  that is how it works.  we start to think about northern lights though.  there is always something to look forward to. 

up north i am hearing that the catapillars we saw at Byers are actually extremely abundant.  if you hike up more you will be "attacked" by them.  if you sit they are on you.  folks are complaining of getting rashes where they touch.  i never touched them thankfully.  there were a few crawling on stuff we left outside, but in higher elevations there were hundreds of them. i guess they tend to have population explosions every so often and these explosions will happen for 2-3 years. so K'suegi Ridge/Curry Ridge may be out for a few years

speaking of bugs, one just dropped down on me.  not sure what it was or where it went. i just looked in the mirror and i do not see it on me at this time. i am not a fan of bugs.  for as many mosquito's we have up here...at least each year the bugs  almost completely disappear for over half of the year.

will be disturbed by the thought of some bug crawling around the rest of the night now.  

back to work tomorrow again.  just far too many idiots out there who will refuse to believe Covid is real to their death. i've heard people deny they have it even when they are symptomatic. the level of stupid that exists is beyond embarrassing.  

who knew people could be so easy to manipulate. it just makes some historical things that seemed impossible more possible sounding. 

guess i foolishly believed with all the information that is out there these days finding the truth would be easy...but for many they refuse to believe anything from anyone who isn't in their same toxic and ridiculous bubble.  those people just have to be loud and scare them...and they will believe anything.  fear is a great motivator for idiocy. when people do not understand stuff, or are overwhelmed they want to have someone and something else to blame...at this point they are willing to buy into whatever crazy notion you push on them just so they can blame someone else. 

bug found and killed!!

i'm not totally convinced that there is only the one bug.

the rocks have been modge podged.  i'm liking to do two layers now so i'll let this one dry. not sure the rock grinder i bought survived the first round...never made it to the end.  it keeps stopping when i try to restart it.  that was quick.  

won't replace it...seemed like a fun little hobby though. 

is there an olympic medal for procrastination?  i'd be a star for sure.

came on to tweak the first paragraph i wrote in the last post.  it seemed to make no sense when i re-read it later. 

it was late at night. 

the Dems are still trying to work with the GOP...seems fairly pointless. wish they could get the filibuster at least tweaked.  sick of nothing getting done.  the GOP is a disaster.  a party of conspiracies and lies and people who are addicted to those conspiracies and lies. 

always love the cotton.  i was reading that you could eat it? not sure i'm willing to try that out.  didn't read what part you would eat in a crisis. hopefully i am never put in a position of having to survive on this plant, though i really do like the look of it out there.

starting to feel like another trek to Nome would be fun one of these days. so many beaches.  love all those big stretches of beaches.  miles and miles of beach combing....empty. 

pretty flowers...

you chase them and then you chase the mushrooms, the fall and then you chase the ice.  that is just how it goes here. blink and it's all changed.

never excited to head to work. i can't say as i was ever really excited to go to work as a nurse but i had made peace with it as a career. covid has really made it more miserable.  the staff do stick together. we try to support each other i think. it's going to get worse for sure because of the misinformation and refusal of so many to deal with the reality of this.  so many will refuse to vaccinate or wear masks or distance. they just move from one conspiracy to another in some sort of strange denial. 

so far the dogs are still safe. was thinking of starting a rumor that all you have to do to avoid covid is pick your nose and eat the snot...just put crazy shit out there and see what people do with it. they would rather take snake oil treatments than treatment plans derived over time for this. they have been convinced to not trust science, doctors, medicine, the cdc, the government at any level, any media that isn't bat shit crazy....they are boxed in. 

there is another segment of the population that isn't political about it all but have chosen to not look at any information at all.  it's going to be a slow painful trudge to herd immunity...if we ever get that. 

when will we need a booster. Israel is already giving a pfizer booster to those over 60 i hear.  at what point will we be offered boosters? that remains to be seen.  

the fall could be awful.  

comfy cat. he can be a bit of a snuggle cat.

these guys do need me to get them out more.  i've been too lazy and it's time to reboot and get myself back to basics. 

3 nights of work then another stretch off.  i live for the off times. work is just more exhausting than it used to be.  back to having to wear the n-95 more of the shift..or just leave it on. 

there is this cutie again.  there were two but the other one booked whereas this guy seemed more curious.

this was a between shift walk in the neighborhood....they are on leashes and harnesses.  they are not fans of the harness.  

it is much easier to walk them harnessed up though. 

this is the remnants of the beaver pond.  that middle green patch was the beaver den and just the green stuck out of the water before.

so this is Gold Mint Trail.  

still some swimable water where the beaver dam broke

and back on the main trail

well, hopefully i made more sense tonight.  i am headed to bed.  

thankful for A.  family and friends who like and accept me. B. people who get vaccinated and believe truth over conspiracies C. that the dogs could care less about any of it and just live each day.