no life is perfect, but the imperfect is the time to grow...

 

so hopefully, i'm coming out of one period of growth and entering another period of life and living. 

it is easy, especially with social media to see others lives as perfect while critiquing our own as so flawed. first off, a perfect life can actually be dull and lacking in personal growth.  it may also just be a mask of the truth....more likely it is.  you just never know what others around you have endured in their life. so that perfect life may have had a lot of trauma in years past. things people have overcome and are now just in a different time in their life.  their life may be in a rest and joyous time while yours is in a period of tribulation and trauma. 

you really have to resist the urge to wallow in others happiness while judging yourself harshly. be happy for others who are in a state of joy in their lives.  that is often very hard to do really.  jealousy is a rough beast.  if you can find happiness for the happy though you can avoid the negative impact of the jealousy that is always in each of us. 

i feel like i am in a good place at the moment.  work, well, not my most favorite. not sure if it will get better there. i think it's just time for me to enter a new space.  that doesn't mean tomorrow i quit and do something else, but i think it does mean that i have done what i needed to do here and it probably is time for me to brave making a change in the next year or so. i think it's time i step away from others trauma's and death and pain.  perhaps find something a little calmer to round out a very good career of helping others. 

it's been a strange few weeks as i have ruminated a bit about someone else's rumination.  we think someone is forever strong and unflappable  but we are all flawed.  i assume the worst of myself as i think i have had the worst assumed in me.  i'm moving past that in my life.  my week with family helped me see that i wasn't nuts.  it was happening.  i was seen that way.  there was never going to be a way around that.  knowing it though makes it easier to step away from it all.  there is family and then there is family.  embrace the positive and step away from the negative.  speak out, speak freely....it is a healthy thing to not go around trying not to hurt feelings or walk on toes. walk on those toes.  it can be done in  a way that doesn't express anger or hatred.  it just expresses itself. i think i gain more confidence by just accepting the me that they will never accept. 

people have their own crap.  we will all be spoken of and not all of it will be positive and a rave review.  others may ruminate about us.  we may end up in a situation where their rumination takes something unintended and creates something very different. it's their stuff probably anyway.  people that you think have no stuff because either they were very private about it or you were just not aware or they are just better at covering up their own insecurities. still i am more annoyed at this point than sad or hurt. 

some stuff is just dumb. in the big picture.  don't let another's rumination about you negatively impact you. i am not perfect but i had no bad intentions in the smallest of social oversight.  we all get distracted from time to time.  we don't pick up on social cues or are just too distracted to be in a space. all you can do is apologize and try and move past it.  it's annoying because it's clearly something silly that will never be moved past and will continue to be awkward in the future.  i guess this person had several hours to ruminate and probably someone to ruminate with so there you have it. i've spent a great deal of my own time ruminating about silly things so i get it. we believe our brains even when our brains are being silly and overly sensitive. 

you just never know what other stuff people have in their heads.  maybe this incident allowed a release of some of the stress of their lives. it was misdirected but in the grand picture...i rarely if ever encounter this person so perhaps i have done a service in their life and situation by being that release.  get some of their frustration and hurt or what ever out.  give them something trivial to ruminate about so they can block out what ever is actually going on in their lives. 

just finished 3 night stretch. all in ICU. not bad. now i have two more coming. 

woke early today with a headache so i have tried various tricks to relieve that.  i think it's easing up but i will need to try and get some more solid sleep time. 

there are some low tide days coming up later this week.  i had wisely altered this weeks schedule to get some low tide time in.  so when i looked at it this weekend and confirmed that...i added on another night in Homer so that i can hit a negative 5 tide. so i'll sleep a bit Wednesday then head to Homer with the dogs. 

it's all the tiny things that i'm drawn to in life. i mean i do love general beautiful scenery but i have always loved the little things that many just walk over and past. 

it probably started as a child with tide pooling and beach combing.  we did both for hours as kids in Laguna Beach.  

later though i have added looking at wildflowers, mushrooms, ice formations.  it's really all the same. 

so three nights in Homer coming up with morning low tides to entice me and distract me from any life issues that i may have.  the tiny world is always a comfort to me.  

perhaps our tiny world is a comfort to others out there.  there has been alien talk of late.  not sure how that came to be and i didn't watch it. alien encounters with our military and non-military pilots i guess? 

i have heard that taking on aliens would not be wise. i mean they have figured out how to travel here from very distant spaces and have figured out a better system to power those treks.  are we their submarine tour? their moon exploration? except they are much more advanced than we are.  we must appear super primitive really. 

maybe they have watched us from the caveman times. we are getting more interesting again as we are in this time period of upheaval.  

maybe those aliens have just as many emotional issues as we do, so they come here to make themselves feel better about their own life issues. 

big knot on my right side. between my neck and my shoulder. both sides really but the right side is the source of this particular headache

haven't been to Hatchers at all this summer.  so crazy really. i usually have gotten there. so much rain though you just figure why drive out to walk in the rain.  so i just walk in the rain here.

2 nights of work to go.  will i be in icu all week. 

i rotate around and sometimes i get in a cycle with this unit or that unit. 

i did reach out to the explore.org chatters.  it's a small group but they really love the walrus.  sadly the camera has been aimed at a beach this summer that has had little to no activity.  we need explore to keep up their support so it's a drag that the walrus cam hasn't really been that active. i guess the walrus have spent more time in other haul outs. the numbers overall have been low on the island.  

there is probably one less bear in my neighborhood. there has been a black bear making the rounds of trash cans.  last night i saw a post that the police had been called out for an agitated bear in this area. we do not have a shortage of bears in Alaska and most places have loads of bears...so rescue/rehoming a bear gets more complicated. sadly, that generally means death. 

a few more from the start of the trip with my family.  claire and i had that first day together so as Whittier had good weather we made a kind of 0700 decision to head there.  we had a beautiful paddle followed by a hike up Portage Pass.  we had the place to ourselves once we hit the top. 

it's just how it worked out. 

i'm getting very sleepy now. the drugs i took for my headache are kicking in. it rarely gets beyond a few excedrins. 

avoiding that rare migraine is the best option. i feel bad for those who get migraines a lot. they are a huge nuisance. 

hopefully, just sleep a few hours then get up and walk the dogs, hit the grocery store. got some laundry done yesterday. will try to pack up between shifts so i can  get on the road fairly quickly once i wake up Wednesday. 

i'm going to be chilling with the dogs in Homer.  they are great buddies. lucky dogs do not ruminate.  they must have been exceptional in their past lives.  much closer to nirvana than any humans out there. 

i really don't know what, if anything, comes after this life. i am actually more at peace with the not knowing than i ever was as a kid with the "knowing".  the big plan seems cruel and ridiculous to me. the current God seems pretty petty and mean. imagine docking people for such trivial things.  also sending some people to hell for seemingly small infractions while sending horrific people to the same hell for brutalities. 

none of it ever made sense or seemed rational or fair minded. who is this god?

out on our paddle.  hopefully, my writing isn't falling off like my brain is at this moment.  trying to stretch while i am relaxed...get these knots out.  can i get rolling fmla for just being older and tired? people get that rolling fmla for so many things.  i had started to fill out forms/look into it but most of my sick calls are just related to work and age.  this job is taxing on our bodies and souls i think.  overtime we just have aches that come from that work. if i wasn't working i wouldn't feel so knotty and achy. one co-worker was saying she has to pre-medicate with ibuprofen before work and then again before she goes to bed after work.  

i suspect after i retire from this i'll sleep for weeks, then my body will recover a bit and the aches and headaches will dramatically decrease. one can hope. 

i'm happy i just have trivial things to ruminate about these days.  that i need only to ruminate about others ruminations.  that is a good space.  i'll take it. 

the ferry is in town. i've been on most of the states ferries. always fun.  

haven't made it out to Yakutat.  i was a slacker again this summer with the annual trip. for sure time to bring that back and see something new each summer of Alaska. repeats are not a bad thing either though.  so happy i have taken so many cool adventures in this amazing place.  

i really got lucky with the right people at the right time.  memories are the best.  it's also best to remind myself to not let this strange 30 second event tarnish years of positive memories. 

it's time to get back out there and make more new memories.  we certainly did that last week with my relatives. we made some wonderful memories. 

it was happy smiling people without the crazy of evangelicals and right wing nut jobs. 

it was just love and laughter and nature. 

you can't go wrong there ever!

well, pets are fed, trash picked up without having a bear get into it.  

i better grab a bite to eat and then take a nice nap again. fingers crossed the headache is gone when i wake up. 

thankful for: A. love, laughter and nature B. sleep, deep and lovely. C. the creatures that share my life and always accept me for who i am.  

Happy Belated 4TH

 I've got to get ready for work soon...and cook for Ivy Rose.

 here is what her canine now looks like, much shorter, but will hopefully heal up and keep the upper jaw stable.  he said it was pretty bad in there.  dogs tolerate much more than we do. 

 she is doing well, she is still on a soft diet but she doesn't seem to feel that any more of a break from tennis balls is needed.  the vet did not specify about tennis balls and i forgot to ask about it.  have tried to keep her at less tennis ball time the last few days.

 I'll cook up some more rice and burger for tonight and tomorrows meals.  then i mix it with canned dog food.

 we have just done the dog park the last two days.  crazy hot out there.  i guess the sun angle and time up here does make it feel hotter.  my friend was telling me about an article that explains why 80 up here feels much hotter than 80!

 regardless, i am totally adapted to cooler weather and this feels pretty miserable.  hate to complain about heat....happy there are no big fires and bad air to contend with though.

 above is the cabinet style and color that i have selected.  need to get those door/drawer pulls as well.  so the photo is the exact look i am going for.  now i need to select the back splash and counters.  as well as sink and lighting. 

 also purchased this fridge so i need to clear a space in the garage for it as well.  put the pool table on next door and have also placed the drums up for sale on facebook.  i have a deadline now so i better work a bit harder to part with them.  bummed as i like them both, but don't use them enough to justify the space they take up in my life at this point. 

 need to declutter life.  too much crap has built up.  i do love a good purge. I'm sure my neighbors do as i place items outside for free.

 these are from Homer.  on the spit and then a drive out of town a bit.

 these are the harbor

 i am finally done looking at my pictures from Valdez. 

 back to work tonight.   tried to nap, but it wasn't successful.  oh well. 

 typical, Ivy sitting on top of Tusker.

 they fared pretty well last night.  i shut the window and then put dvd's of "big bang" on extra loud to block out the sounds of illegal fireworks in the area.  they don't seem scared they just want to bark at the noise.

 hopefully, they do okay tonight while I'm at work. 

 i suspect the fact that the holiday was on a Wednesday may have helped keep the noise level down. maybe this weekend people will go play with all the fireworks they didn't play with last night.

 joined friends at a bbq last night.  chill day.

 these are on the spit.  love to stop and take photo's here, as do most other folks who like photography.  especially when the lupine is out.

 lots of hiking on these pretty days, enjoy seeing all the trails via the facebook hiking page.

 it was a sad day yesterday on the trails though. 

 at Byron Glacier Hike a 32 year old woman was with family on the hike and they stopped to snap pictures in the snow caves.  sadly, the cave collapsed and it sounds like it crushed her.  cpr was attempted and all but she did not survive according to reports.  we do lose quite a few folks on their Alaskan adventures.

 a 5 year old was lost at Worthington glacier on a hike with his family.  a rock fell and hit him in the head.  he did not survive either.

 a couple was found to have died in Wrangel/St Elias park.  they missed their plane pick up and upon searching their packs were found by a creek/river edge just a few miles from where they had initially been dropped i think.  their bodies were found down river.  it's assumed they got swept away and drowned.

 it can happen to any of us at any time. 

 still we go out into those woods. 

 one of our hospitalists was attacked by a bear a few weeks ago while camping.  all reports say he will recover fine.  these are always good reminders to be cautious out there.

 the lupine just always looks so cool with these old wooden boats.

 their sea faring days are over.  now they at least get to see the oceans they once rode proudly.

 looked cool to be out there riding horses at low tide

 this boat is on land

 took a hike inland.  this sign posted directions to the meadow...the arrow pointed to the outhouse..made me laugh as once when i was a kid my dad announced he was going to go "view the meadow".  i did not get the meaning and wanted to join him.  i was then mocked endlessly for wanting to join my dad when he went to pee.  just another time i attempted to chill with my dad that went off course.

 the state flower, forget me nots

 views of Kachemek bay from the trail i was on.

 quite a few flowers out that day...just getting started really.

 trail made of dandelions

 saw a few moose along the way.

 this one was pretty protective of her baby so this is as good as i got of them

 more views

 the end of the bay.

 guessing this was caused by drunk driving. the big bear in the front seat was holding an empty bottle of vodka.

 old cars.

 more of the bay

 a few photo's taken by my boat mate on the Valdez glacier trip.  looked cute.

 thankfully, we did not have any life threatening incidences on our trek. 

grateful for: 1. warm summer days  2.  purging 3.  crunch times...it's when i actually get stuff done.  i need to call the construction guy and let him know i ordered cabinets so he can really start to plan to fit my project in.