another litter have all found homes since last i wrote

Had a few more trips to Homer. It's easy and beautiful there. Adjusted my schedule to hit some low tides. The trip after I last blogged, I was texted by animal control with another litter. I took in Amora and her 4 adorable kittens. dropped them back off when I was headed for the next trip to Homer. 

It's been a cooler year with rain or clouds often in the morning. Some clearing by evening. The wildflowers are popping out, and even the fireweed is starting to grow. The lupine and many other flowers are a bit behind schedule. 

The crew was so cute, and a few were especially snuggly. The mom immediately got diarrhea and vomiting. Got right on them, and the shelter staff even gave me instructions and supplies to do SQ fluids. Amora looked thin and was thin.   3 days of SQ fluids and she did start to perk up. A few kittens also got some fluids. Just tiny Clubbies was slightly underweight when I took them back, was headed to Homer again though. Clubbies got a home first, and the others soon followed. Amora, the mom, had to have her milk supply dry up so she could get spayed. She found a home within a few days, though. So sweet. Great to have success with these litters. You really get attached fast. Miss Clubbies and Bondii both wanted to eat solids from my lap for the longest time.

Named the kittens after a TV show in Australia I've been watching reels of. A reality show about the lifeguards at Bondi Beach.

Always love my Homer low tides. This last trip, we took a water taxi over to explore a new spot to beach comb.  Lots of seaweed but still fun to see new stuff and explore a bit. I was nervous about loading and unloading the dogs as the first boat did not have a front loader. We arrived at the beach, and they pulled out a ladder. Sunny jumped off the bow onto the beach. Ivy is a bit older and has bad knees. The owner of Mako's had joined us and he kindly got Ivy safely to ground. The return boat had a front loader, so we could just walk on.

Usually get 15,000-20,000 steps a day on these trips. 

Tomorrow I head to Valdez for a few nights. The little cabin i love at the KOA wasn't available, but we will stay in a big tent already set up that has cots. I've done that before. Not as good as the little cabin, but it's just 2 nights. The week after I will make another run to Homer for another low tide.  Maybe we will do the hike to the glacier or go to Seldovia to walk. we shall see. depends on tide times

Should do some bigger adventures, I think. So far this is working. it's all pretty. Fun to just get out and explore. 

Work, well, I'm always pondering when to retire.  The health insurance is my biggest concern. They put me in ICU again. When I asked the staffing people, they said I had been removed from the ICU list. They returned with putting me with step-down patients. The next night, CSU. The next week, back in ICU but now with "stable" patients. The thing with that is that if those step down or ICU patients become unstable, they will not trade out assignments. It's too difficult, as you'd have to move patients around in that unit. If I transfer out a step-down patient, I will be expected to take whatever ICU patient comes. In the meantime, the last time I worked there was in December, I think. It stresses me out to be guilted at 5-10 minutes before shift starts to take assignments i am no longer comfortable with. It feels like bullying at some level. The unit already has your name to come help, and now you are putting everyone in a terrible position at the last minute. It's not fair to me or to them. 

By morning, I had a tension headache with nausea. Called out. These units are literally making me ill. I wrote a note at like 3 am to the management team. Hoping this helps.

I wish ICU had not become a source of such stress, but I am hypervigilant when I am there. I do fine, but at what cost, really. At this time, the cost is mine and somewhat my coworkers, who have to support me more than they should. Do not wish to stay in ICU longer than i should and have to be made to leave. I've seen that happen. ICU is just not a place where you can be less than 100%, and I do not feel 100%. I simply do not work enough hours there to stay confident and skilled. No amount of healthstreams can make up for lack of time at the bedside

Having worked ICU for over 20 years, I do believe I've earned a break from it, and I also believe that I can still be an asset.  I may still just retire if I can find reasonable coverage. Sadly, this nation values its workers so little. Values all its people so little. the corruption and greed is so out of control. 

We just had 250 years this fourth. I did nothing to celebrate really. It was fireworks for 2 nights in a row until well after 1 in the morning. Ivy stayed close, but poor Sunny Boy was panting and clinging tightly to me. Last night he tried to fit himself in a small space. I got him back on the bed and under the covers to snuggle.  Nothing to celebrate in my mind. We are headed in a terrible direction. white supremacists gathered in DC to celebrate and protest. 

Bears are in the neighborhood. It was tipping trashcans and pooped in my front yard, brat! I'll put his poop at the top of my trash in the can. I tend to layer my trash. Anything that smells interesting to a bear gets layered under cat litter or yard clippings or dog poop. I also have a bungee cord that I release before they do their pick up. Hoping that bear leaves the garbage tomorrow. Trash bears are often killed. not a good habit. Saw one a week or so ago strolling down Tudor Rd.  

I need to do more packing. I've done so many trips over the years that I generally can toss stuff together fast. Texted Bill at the glacier. Haven't heard from him. may have to just call. Always love to stop there at the Matanuska Glacier to let the dogs play in the kettle ponds.

Lots of lawn mowing. Things grow crazy fast up here in the summers. I have many lazy feeling days, but I do get walks in. Try to head to different trails. Yesterday I headed to Powerline to explore the flowers.  Last month I checked out Barbara Falls in Eagle River and Thunderbird Falls. I kept hearing about Barbara falls but I finally located it and went to see it. will have to add it to the list of good spots.

Went to Potters Marsh yesterday as well. There is a pair of Sandhill Cranes that have a little baby there, called a colt. I did get lucky and caught a glimpse of it. Will have to look on the big camera. The swans also have 4 babies, called cygnets.

Rainbow with my flowers in boots. So cute.

The dogs do not actually care where we go.  Often we just go to Campbell Airstrip or the dog park at University Lake.  As long as we get out walking, I feel good. It's easy to get lazy. In the summer, friends tend to scatter. It can feel a bit lonely. Be lonely and do it anyway. feel uncomfortable and do it anyway.

You do get more used to not being invited, never fully used to it though. Feelings still get hurt at times. That is the trade off. In general, I'd say single life has worked out well for me. I suspect there are far more people who are surrounded by people who they feel lonely around. Having a spouse and/or kids is no guarantee that you won't feel lonely. 

As a kid i was surrounded by people and felt so alone. Its worse to feel overlooked. 

Sweet Amora.  

She got pretty thin and weak. It was getting tough for her to feed these little guys. So happy we were able to get her feeling better.

I turned 62 in May. There were no plans made, no cake. My Birthday often falls on/near the Memorial Day holiday so over the years it's eclipsed. Better this than Christmas, I'm sure, though. Spoke with people who called. It's just a strange thing, Birthdays. I have no idea how to deal with attention directed at me. Never really learned to embrace that. It just felt abnormal. A Birthday feels like some obligation. 

You really do want to be noticed, to get that attention, but you have no clue how to enjoy it. It just feels awkward. 

A few are starting to talk of planning vacations here next year. Until tickets are bought, I generally wait a bit. Alaska is one of those places people speak of going to, but when it gets closer, there are things that prevent it. We get enough patients in to see that health is not always a hindrance to travel plans. Come die in Alaska. It happens. You may as well leave the planet doing your dream trip rather than leaving it wishing you had tried to take that dream trip.

Everything is green. Missing my kitten time already. They tried, I think, but I have little trips planned in the summer. It was never my intention to give those up for kitten care. You have to set boundaries for yourself in life. All aspects. I really appreciate that the shelter doesn't try to guilt me into skipping trips. They have tried to work with me. 

Look at these sweet faces! 

They change so quickly; it's so fun to watch their skills improve. 

here is Clubbies hitting 1 pound. 

my cat is well over 1 pound. 

kittens are the best!

Work the next 3 weekends to get that Homer trip in. A bit of driving.  The roads seem to have been especially dangerous this summer. be careful out there.

Clubbies had extra toes. 

Saw this mom with her calf near Kincaid

In other news, the Element has moved to a new home. As much as I loved the car, it deserved to be given the love it needed. I'm not wealthy enough to keep up on the maintenance an old car needs, nor am I capable of doing the work myself. She is getting spruced up. It just didn't make sense to have her anymore. I think I understand my Dad selling his 1964 1/2 Ford Mustang more now. Probably in the same boat. How it works for me is you are either making a car payment, or you are spending money repairing an older car. I'd rather have a newer car that I can depend on. 

She was a great car and I hope she makes her new humans happy.

Chappo, really got into his feeds. 

Tamarama, Bondii and Clubbies.

i'm sure i missed stuff. that is the latest catch up.  grateful for A. these fast summers and all the changes week to week. B. another successful litter C. another fun trip coming up. i better run prep!
 

most on the right aspire to be George Bailey in "it's a wonderful life" but they all vote for Potter.

 

i have often found that so odd. they just can't see it. 

these are all from this past Jan. we are currently still in the low temps. nearly a month straight at this point. so much ice art put out there this year. it's been great. Portage Lake is frozen. pondering going out there Tuesday. back to work early this stretch for the holiday. 

some seasons i'm just more whatever about it all. did the bulk of stuff early then just fizzled out. still need to look at the cards a bit. didn't get them all out. just seems like people do them less and less. 

some holiday seasons it can be depressing. maybe i'm just coming to peace with what holidays are and what they aren't.  my overall expectations of others has decreased greatly. my reality checks have been put in place and i find that has decreased holiday expectations.

this was my favorite ice heart. it was highlighted and back lit on the fat tire bike. their photo turned out amazing. 

tonight met friends for the solstice tree walk/ski. always a fun event. i thought i was going to miss it but it got moved to this week due to high winds last week. getting a bit windy out there again.

this time of year can be depressing for many. as i said, this year and in general i am more just in a place of peace. letting more roll off of me. lowering expectations. seeing the reality. 

previously, i had higher expectations for family. in the end, they are who they are. when i look back, a loving bond between siblings wasn't always a daily event.  we had some fun times for sure on vacations or at the beach house. in the day to day. we hardly interacted with each other. my memories are mostly of my two brothers right above me. we often played together and explored together.  there was little parental oversight. my oldest tortured the third down who tortured the one a few more down, who tortured me. there was very little parents involved with this. i recall being told repeatedly, "he will grow out of it". i was usually the one who was in trouble for making the noise after being teased relentlessly.  can't really hold it against him, he was a kid like me. i suspect he also had tons of energy that wasn't directed anywhere else. that was most parents in our age range.  kids were seen and not heard.  we were left to our own until it got dark or a meal was served. we were often left in the hands of various church activities.

a quote i've heard lately and relate to, "I'm not mad, i'm done. that's what people don't understand. i'm not mad at anyone, i'm just done. done dealing with situations that rob me of my peace. i'm done dealing with people that don't love me as i love them, don't try as hard as i do, don't put in the effort that i put in. i'm just done.". so often i just kept putting in 80-95% of the effort and getting 0-20% back.  i'm more aware of who returns calls/texts. who reaches out. it just isn't sustainable for that person to always be me. it says a lot about a relationship with anyone if all the effort is you. 

i think back to who stands up for me, asks for my side in shit that happens, and that was eye opening. also covid, who supported and who actively fought against all i was up against. it just got impossible to ignore it all. "not everyone who stays away is difficult. some just refuse to sit at the same table with the person/s who broke them and now act like nothing happened. my absence isn't disrespect, it's self protection". 

depression. i have always battled it a bit. comes in waves. part of it just was this sense of not belonging. some of my earliest holiday memories were watching Rudolph the reindeer and relating to all on the land of misfit toys. i knew even then that where i was dropped was not where i belonged. Alaska, the place and the people have always felt like home, like where i belonged. it is a land of misfit toys in it's own way. we tend to be independent and quirky. we don't all fit into the box the lower 48 exists in. it's why so many of us can't easily return south. 

the religion just never worked for me either. it just never felt right and so many things i studied trying to make it work just sent me further away.

i have never felt suicidal but i have often felt like i wouldn't be missed. much like George i guess. i haven't saved a town like he did. for me, the difference i make is much more subtle. no movies will be made about me. my name won't be remembered. i suspect there are some out there who remember a kind act. they won't remember my name. that is true in nursing i think a lot. your kindness is remembered.

i would say those thoughts cross my mind very often. this started at about age 10. i'd often write my mom notes expressing that i didn't fit in, wasn't loved or wasn't loved as much as the other kids. my mom would just come in tell me she loved me and off she would go. that was mental health treatment in those days. i never tried to hurt myself. the closest i got was after it being pointed out for months how much weight i'd gained i heard a fellow student tell me that you could eat what ever you wanted then just puke or take laxatives. calories out. i hate puking but i did buy those laxatives. i never took them though. as a kid it occurred to me that shitting your pants at school may be far worse than being fat.

my last stretch of work went a bit better. was told though that i don't have the skills to drop ICU/CSU so that is ongoing. meanwhile i have been looking at retirement options. so much is up in the air as our nation is totally fucked at the moment. insurance is the real deal breaker to retirement.  can do aca but it jumps like crazy if you make over a certain amount. may be best to try and hold out a bit longer and see what happens. they had a guy call me from fidelity but in the end he wasn't seeming to be interested in helping me as much as trying to sell me on getting them to handle my money by paying them about what insurance would cost a month.

table it until after the holidays. have discussed at length. currently, i suspect most of these hospitals will be taking what they can in fear that the system crashes. it feels like it's not sustainable. not sure what will happen.  no hospital gifts this year. we are simply unfaced workers. i'm older so i make more money so i'm sure those in the big offices would rather get rid of folks like me for cheaper, less experienced workers.

really don't know what this year will bring for any of us. take it week by week at this time.

we had less snow last winter, more warmer days.  i've enjoyed this winter. i do like when the snow remains on the ground. 

dogs are good. cats are good. no kittens right now. i sent the last group back to the shelter and they all found homes. hopefully, they have good lives.

we are almost at solstice so happy solstice. the light will start to return.  with longer days comes some more adventure time. started to look at the tides. 

these are last winters ice hearts. we never got the stretch of cold we've gotten so far this year. there are loads of hearts/art out there now. my friend also  showed us we can make smaller ornament ice art so we decorated a tree. will probably do another one on Monday. looks pretty. just have to put string in there

i had gotten all the local prezzies ready but forgot to shut the door to the spare room before work. when i got back all the bags had been ripped to bits, everything scattered about. there were bags of dog treats for those with dogs. brightly colored for the holidays. ivy gave herself away when she pooped bright green poop the next day. thankfully, no dogs were injured.

watching the Taylor Swift series over Christmas themed stuff. that shows where i am this holiday.  

work was a bit slow but seems to be amping up. flu season has finally arrived. a bit late but influenza is all over the place. stay safe out there.

got some decorations up but again i didn't got too nuts. nothing on the front deck. that can vary year to year. one covid year i just bought a tiny tree to put on the counter. i just couldn't be bothered. 

the world just seems to send the message more clearly, there is no God. what God would let so many horrific things happen and not intervene. worse what God refuses to help so many while judging people for who they love or what foods they eat. it's just ridiculous. children can be molested over and over but this God will hold a cup of coffee against you. 

no one is to be believed.  we can only wait for the incredibly redacted epstein files. those with a brain know he's a twisted perv, but far more choose to just look the other way. their agenda and owning the libs more important than any corruption or molestation. it really makes it tough to just accept these people. this becomes who they are. this becomes a reflection on their values and morals, no matter how many church services they attend or how devout they claim to be. you support a racist, you support a con man, you support a pedophile, a rapist. you will never get that man's stench off of you. he is who you are. you have become him by continuing to support.

i wish I could find some forgiving attitude for these people, but at some point, it's just so obvious to anyone who even skims facts. 

love these crystal ice flowers. so beautiful

more snow this year, though, to be fair, i haven't driven this road for several weeks

always the frozen water

may have to skip the dog park again. the dogs love it and i love the people but they often stay in one spot and on cold days like this, i gotta move around. 

cleats worn again today. good since i did gasline/powerline back to thank. for sure some overflow. a bit soft. nothing i couldn't get through.

often, i just return to my same haunts over and over. 

double feeding. this was my first foster litter.

guess i better crash. have gotten a few things done. always more. 

grateful for A. options B. snow and ice art and all the fun of winter C. peace