it's been a year since Tusker's passing. it's been a week of some sadness and contemplation. will always miss each little fur that comes through my life.
their time here is too short, and his was even shorter. still feels so unfair to me. his loss cut so deeply because it was so unfair. he should have had many more years of romping on these beaches, swimming in the ocean, hiking, playing...snuggling. we do not have all power though so some decisions we must make that will break part of us forever. still, you do what is best in the situation at the moment. you live with the coulda, shoulda, woulda though. no way around it really. i will always wonder, second guess.
intellectually, i know that his suffering would have been greatly extended and in the end, it's something i just could not do at the time. i had promised him on the drive to the vets after he turned and as he leaned on me on the floor in the office at the vets...i just knew he was done. he'd fought all he could. he wanted peace. he wanted to have to fight no more and he trusted me to help him.
these critters put all their trust in you and you just have to do what is in their best interest, not yours. still, the pain of the loss was great. it was two dogs in a row that were sudden and so heartbreaking. Blossom was alone and i know she was on my mind as i made my decision with Tusk. the thought of her being alone in those last minutes of life will always haunt me. i knew if i left him at the vet clinic that night, he would also die alone and scared. i could not bear that again.
went on line and bought a few gifts for myself, a charm bracelet and a few paw print charms and a little statue of a dog and the rainbow bridge. therapy of sorts. laying low today. last night i felt i needed to distract myself.
i did some hair trimming on both dogs and then put on some Christmas sweaters. Ivy hates wearing it so then it was like....well it's on her now so off we went to Bass Pro for Santa photo's. distraction really from the anniversary.
last year i had forced myself to take Ivy Rose, by herself for the annual Santa photo. nothing could distract me from the pain i was feeling. not until i brought little Sunny Boy home. it was really the only thing that could bring some relief to the heartbreak. i think because Tusker and Ivy Rose were a set...having just her felt so much more broken...the downside to getting siblings really. they are one in your heart and when one passes it feels like the took part of the one that is left as well. i suspect it was really tough on Ivy as well
she seems to have adapted to her new companion. i'll never really know if she would have been just fine either way i guess. i'm sure she and i both would have adapted, but some dogs do love a buddy i think. my dogs seem to anyway. i'm sure it depends on breeds. plus i work overnight so i think it is nice for them to have a buddy while i'm at work.
i let them romp the other day as we had another nearly 2 feet of snow drop. where to put it is becoming an issue. we had another few inches last night and more expected today. i keep hoping they are just exaggerating but so far they have been right.
between snowshoeing and shoveling load and after load of snow...i have been beat this week off, each day. i've burned more calories than i have in ages i'm sure. i'm still doing the intermittent fasting and the little 10 min exercise app. strength exercises. i'll add the band work soon. perhaps find a second app of yoga moves. i used to be super flexible and i would like to improve in that area as well.
easy to cabin up...and today i may do just that. it's already after 2 pm. i shoveled out back again. it's daily really. i even took a turn shoveling out our neighborhood mail boxes. mail got delivered with the first dump...not the second. the road crew has been by after each storm. just the plows...they just shifted the snow, they haven't brought in the trucks to load all the snow onto to relocate it. they are short equipment....our mayor chose this season to do maintanence? the right is paranoid about our society becoming a socialist society...not seeming to grasp that you can be a social democracy. our system is very flawed. it was never meant to be a one and done, the constitution. it was supposed to be re-evaluated as time passed. the funny thing to me is they are the ones bitching the most about the roads not being done...they vote for this. a socialist democracy would put money towards services that help all and not like our current capitalist society that benefits the few. i'm sure the wealthy have their their snow managed for them.
the congress folks who are now getting outed for their roles in the coup attempt are now screaming louder. i suppose they are starting to be concerned that the only way they don't get held accountable for their role in this mess is to actually cause a civil war. the gop will have a majority in the congress...who will be in charge of that group of lunatics is still undecided.
was painting a few memorial rocks again the other night. will probably do some more painting tonight
may get out some old driftwood i have as well and see if i can make anything out of that.
love these sea creatures. the intertidal zone is so amazing.
Christianity is in a decline. they can't figure out why that is...it's kind of laughable. they are so hate filled, so judgemental of anyone that doesn't fit their idea of norm. people are just tired of the hate and nastiness. Christianity is responsible for it's own woes. the people they fight against, the lgbqt group especially, have been helped over and over by their hatred. it's really just made these groups more accessible.
we see them getting unfairly persecuted and we, the masses, want to protect and defend them. many of the sane minded Christians are even wanted to protect these folks. this is why gays and gay marriage have become more accepted. it's a matter of fairness.
the Aids crisis really showcased how unfair things were. people were dying of aids and families that had abandoned their loved ones for being gay now could control their deaths. they refused to allow any of their partners or friends to visit. it was a cruelty. even post this i recall having a lesbian die surrounded by her wife and friends. the house supervisor that was on after the death wanted to refuse to accept the paperwork to release the body as signed by her spouse. we never ask for a marriage license for these things. suddenly, she wanted a blood relative. i lied because all the paperwork does is release the body to the mortuary. i was disgusted by the demand. no way was i going into a room of mourners and telling them they had to locate a blood relative, that none of them mattered.
part of me is like, Christianity has been around for so long it won't go away...but there have been other Gods and religions that have. whole societies have vanished. abruptly ended or slowly ended but times do change. civilizations change. many evangelicals are all bring on the second coming of Christ. they could care less about anything because they believe they will be taken right up to heaven or something.
there was a cult with a lot of men in San Diego years ago i think. they believed that when the hale-bopp comet came past earth the aliens would collect them. they had all agreed to get castrated and then they took an overdose of something and all perished waiting for the aliens to collect them. people believe crazy things.
the truth is much of the stuff of all these religions is a bit nuts. the further away i am the more bizarre all of it seems.
some folks on mormon tiktok have been upset and asking for the exmo's to not post their temple secrets. the exmo's are refusing. it's the last thing, for many of them, that they let go of. so bound by these promises they made.
i am happy i have seen some of the secret stuff and outfits. really brings things to a different light for me. like, for instance, as i see the crazy outfits and oaths and such...it makes me think how can they be judgemental of trans folks or cross dressers. we all can have our own rituals and beliefs. how can they so easily set aside the lives of others while so fiercely wanting to protect their own lives.
for me, the polygamy stuff is enough to destroy so much of the things of the religion i grew up in. the lies around that history. once you discover the facts it's easier to see that it was nothing more than so many things in many religions. perversion. why would you need to make widows of others your wife...maybe you can excuse one or two wives to "help" out these people in a crisis, but 30-60 wives, like the leaders of the church had. perversion. in truth nobody in the wild west would want to take on 1-2 additional wives and their kids and then risk having more kids,more mouths to feed.
the truth is these situations could be handled without marriage. the only real reason to get married is for sex. also if you look at statistics. very few crossed with handcarts, women and men died at the same rate nearly as the general population that didn't do grand crossings. plus polygamy started before the pilgrimages started. it started with smith.
also many of these polygamous leaders married many wives, wives that were underage, wives that were already married to others. it's said that smith even married one black woman, who was a freed slave, as a slave to him for time and eternity.
they love to push this whole topic aside as it makes them uncomfortable. for me...if the history of the church was so untrue how could anyone believe the rest of it all. the church has altered so much history in general, not just about polygamy. you are repeatedly told to not look at any of it if it could weaken your testimony...i always believed the one truth church should be able to withstand some scrutiny..it can't.
was thinking about the temple stuff and the multiple wives in the next life. first off males and females are pretty much born 50/50 so it already makes me wonder why it would be required to have more wives in the next life. even if that were the case,well, shouldn't they be doing sealings of single mormon women who have died to random males who have died, regardless of them being sealed to someone else...do they?
anyway....it's all crazy stuff. i am more open to offending others at this point. i'd guess because i really do not get the feeling like what i did in the past of shutting up made any difference in how i was seen or treated. so i guess i understand those who post the temple secrets on the internet more now than i may have years ago. i was only indoctrinated to one lower level. these folks have a lot more to be angry about when they leave. i totally get that.
it's almost 3 and the sun will set soon. it's been cloudy all day.
snow off and on.
should at least make the dogs run around in the back yard a bit.
we are very low on tennis balls at this time. the ball bin is full of non tennis ball, balls. this is a bit distressing for poor Ivy. she is not interested in anything but tennis balls. i have ordered a few bags but they will not arrive in time to appease her. poor girl.
this deep of snow, tennis balls go missing at a rapid rate. especially once Sunny Boy gets a hold of one. he loves to pound them into the snow, deeper and deeper until there is no way to retrieve them.
the yard will be full of tennis balls come spring. that is a long ways off and many more inches of snow to come. haha.
love these long, long shadows.
and i miss this sweet face. he was a wonderful dog and companion.
as sad i was to lose him, i am happy that fate brought Sunny Boy to me...or Tusker. i often feel like Tusker saw my distress and led me to this happy puppy. he knew both Ivy and i needed his bouncy, happy spirit to help us recover.
the ectopy i felt after Tuskers death did fade away once Sunny was here.
i guess i could do a loop in the bog...i don't see it happening. may play with them in the yard and then see if Freddies has some tennis balls. could make a costco run too. haven't been there for ages. or just see what is in the freezer.
thankful for A. every day i had with Tusker. his life was short but he sure made an impact. B. a chill day with the pets. lazy is glorious. many do not have the ability to have lazy days and for that i am grateful for each one of mine. C. the snow, it's a lot but it is so beautiful.
