the greys vs the black and whites

 

some things in life are grey and other things are very black and white. at least that is how it works for me. 

when it came to love..you either loved me or you didn't. i wasn't willing to be part way in a relationship or have someone be part way in a relationship with me. 

the same was true with religion.  having been raised in one that claimed to be the one and only true one...well, in my mind there was just very little wiggle room. if you found it to not be true...then it was over. don't claim to be the one and only true church and then be so very very fallible. 

i didn't have the access many have now to the information. many either just choose to not look at the information because they don't want to know. maybe they are just happy with life the way it is.  some i guess do not have it in them that it was either true or wasn't and if it wasn't they would leave.  i do recall people saying things like, even if i found out it wasn't true i'd stay. i am just not wired that way. i know many are not wired that way either. 

i see many who have done tons of research...they were trying hard to find the answer that would keep them in.  that is the easiest i suppose. stay in.  we are all wired differently. our brains just do things different. for me it seemed like i'd be a hypocrite to stay in once i knew it was bull. 

shelf breakers...the church has done really poorly on polygamy, racism, misogyny and lgbqt rights for sure. hard to ignore history for me. the history wasn't all that true either. the money stuff really ate at me and the continued revelation which seemed more convenient than from God. 

i'd say i probably never really fit in to the culture.  there is a type that they want and strong/independent and female is not a type to be and be Mormon. you either fit or you are miserable trying to fit i guess. 

i felt so much pressure being Mormon.  it was just that disconnect from what was expected of you and what you were capable of delivering. i can't be what they call now i guess, nuanced.  you can't be "nuanced" in a church that isn't nuanced.  i feel the use of the word is silly and incorrect anyway, but they seem to mean that they are modern/liberal thinking while still staying in the confines of the church...i call bull really. the church spends your tithing funds to fight gay marriage amongst other things...at some point you just have to make a decision that the church doesn't fit in with how you view the world. or i guess you have to just accept that no matter what the church is in truth you plan on staying with it anyway. 

church, for me, just wasn't grey. it was either true or it wasn't true. now there can be other areas of religion or belief that can be grey. there is much we can't possibly know.  so then there is faith. faith shouldn't be blind, deaf and dumb though.  there should be some reason in there. you should use the brain you were given to decide what stuff is cruel and harmful. 

people stick with many religions despite the facts coming out.  they ignore the evils of man and decided the church itself is true, that is all religions. believing in God and believing in this church or that church...that can get grey i guess. i'm pretty grey about God. the older i get the less i believe in this specifically. there have been a lot of Gods that people have chosen to create and believe in.  

i think we are wired to hope for hope, to hope there is more than just this life. to hope that the terrible things that happen here to people will be avenged in the next life as so often it isn't avenged here. religion is also power though. money tossed in and suddenly you have a great deal of potential for abuse of this power and money. 

God seems this easy concept. you need help you pray.  the problem with that is God really doesn't seem to intervene all that often.  or fairly or in any way commonsensically. this God will allow millions of Jews to be killed but miraculously help someone find their keys. 

in the culture i grew up in, you prayed and you would be given personal revelation of the truth of the gospel.  unfortunately, there was no off ramp for you if you didn't come to that conclusion.  the only correct answer was the church is true...if you didn't come up with that, well you weren't praying hard enough. not studying the scriptures enough. not worthy enough...basically it was all on you.  i was convinced there was a guy who dressed up and delivered presents on Christmas eve.  us humans are pretty gullible in general. 

i have put up my tree...pagan thing that, like many other things, was stolen in order to dilute the impact of paganism and bring people to Christianity. i like the tree though.  i like the spirit of Christmas. i do think it's funny that people flip out about people saying happy holidays instead of merry christmas while they put their kids by santa for photo ops and buy tons of gifts. 

this is not at all the time of year that Jesus would have been born according to historical references from the Bible. this time was also usurped from paganism. if you are going to be pissed about people not saying Merry Christmas then perhaps you shouldn't celebrate the holiday as a pagan would have. haha. anyway. have a Merry one or Happy Holidays. for me it's just a good time to reflect, to enjoy the music, spirit and kindness that goes with this time of year.  people are nicer overall. 

a few haven't been very nice. we have had more shootings of course. one in a gay bar. the rhetoric that is out there against the lgbqt is bound to make people hate this population and take action or to hate themselves and take action against others if they do not feel the love and support they need to accept themselves as they are.  the father of this shooter claimed to be Mormon...he was also known to have previously been a porn star and drug addict so his Mormon roots seem a bit distant. 

he seemed more relieved that his son was the shooter and not a patron of a gay bar. that pretty much sums up the hell that we are in  at this point. 

my family is pretty large...there will be others who are in the lgbqt community.  i hope they have more support than my brother had being who they are. sadly, there are many suicides in this community and many who are cut off from their "family".  many religions treat this community with disdain....other religions are much harsher than Christianity i will give it that. in some parts of the world if found out these people are just killed outright. 

these are just a mixture of scenes from Alaska 

i do get around more than i realize. 

i got my fake tree up.  took some fluffing to get it up and ready to decorate, it's done though and it looks pretty.  still think i may get a wreath or small table tree for the smell of it. so far the tree has survived the animals while i was at work

i worked probably half of this run, well over half in PICU. i think i did one shift in PCU and otherwise i was PICU. 

lots of RSV but unlike several years in the past these kids are not ending up on vents. this is great news for families and the kids. still they are filling up hospitals across the nation.  

had Thanksgiving dinner with friends yesterday.  thanks MT, the best hostess for gatherings.  i couldn't stop laughing driving home.  that turkey was deep fried...when she brought it inside it was charred. i felt badly for her as i can imagine that was a tough walk up those stairs with that turkey.  you know you have great friends when they will happily eat a turkey that looks like that one did. the inside of it was delicious. still, seeing a turkey that black...it's pretty funny to imagine. 

at some point her one dog jumped up on top of the table.  we'd all finished eating and there was just glasses on the table. not one thing broke.  how that dog made that leap is impressive. so we did have  several good laughs last night. 

in between shifts i was able to help get a poodle home to it's family.  they would have found it as it showed up close to the trailhead. i just kept it engaged until the family arrived. poor pup was out in the cold for two nights. it got lost with a jacket but who knows where that ended up. felt great to be able to reunite the pup though.  it was a bit skittish.  MT had sent me the information about the lost dog so i'd taken my walk out where it was lost.  got lucky.  another couple was there and they called the owner, handed me more treats when mine ran out and held my dogs while i say on the snow with the lost dog. 

was at oceanview bluff park today for a walk. it is still soft ice out there further so not the longest walk.  the dogs played with other dogs and we went to where the big log used to be. there was a family out there.  they were teaching the young girl to ask if she can pet my dogs. i was all, it's fine, she can pet them.  the woman then said the young girl was from Ukraine and was still learning English.  it's all teaching moments. she was happy playing out there with the dogs. no idea what horror she saw.  one hopes she was saved from the worst of it. happy she is safe and here though. 

many in this nation could care less about what is happening in Ukraine and even more could probably care less what is happening in iran. we are all connected though.  we should care about all these people living in horrific situations. how can you believe in a God that answers one persons trivial request while ignoring the desperate pleas of thousands of others? 

six million in Ukraine are without power as winter is upon them.  damn that putin and russia. 

these are in Hatchers Pass. 

very scattered, this below is one of the old mile markers on the road out to Kennicott Mine. 

fall colors and mushrooms.  every season has my favorite bits. summer has flowers, winter has crystals and ice, fall has colors and mushrooms and even break up has life beginning over again. 

peace...i feel i have peace.  i care much less about what people think of me in the family, i give them much less power in my life. i feel closer to accepting things as they are and appreciating the life i have been gifted instead. 

i have had so many wonderful people and experiences in my lifetime. i was given a huge gift when i walked away from what was known and took off on this great adventure of life.  it has not always been the easiest path but it has been the path of most joy. the path of peace.

this place is huge and so beautiful. whatever greater power that may exist is not in buildings, that greater power is out there in the wild. 

the earth is small in the grand picture of the universe, and yet, i will see very little of it in my lifetime. 

there are many who will see much more of this earth and experience more, but there are millions who see much less than i have already. 

i feel gifted with a curiosity of the small things, the details. i suspect all those years of beach combing taught me to look down and find the tiny and beautiful things that are delicate.  so many details in nature.  we often look for the grand but the grand can also be found in the most tiny and delicate aspects nature has to offer us. 

love these huge rocks.  only found this beach a few years back. always making new discoveries. i hope i have many years of making new discoveries left.

i find new stuff in the same places though as well. beauty is everywhere.

and these shells usually are homes to hermit crabs.  those things can really pack themselves in there. 

CR gets some love from my beasts

always fun to see Tusker pictures pop up. it's been nearly a year since he passed away. at this time i was noting he'd lost weight but that he also seemed to be acting very much like he always had. 

cool mushroom above. 

beach...todays beach wasn't a Homer beach.  i do love the ice though.

Independence Mine

and the hike to root glacier at Kennicott Mine.

grateful for A. conversations that are deep and respectful B. friends and laughter and burnt turkeys and dogs jumping on tables. C. that we have made improvements and kids aren't ending up on ventilators!

gen Z....

 

it's all a bit relative i guess all these gen whatever names. i straddle two "generations". baby boomer and gen X. the gen x were the latch key kids. i was for sure that. i suspect i fit more with the gen x than the baby boomers...latch key kids were mostly unattended and unsupervised. we were free and that made us very independent. 

the baby boomers were out voted this election by the gen z crowd. they are just coming of age.  they are apparently the gop nightmare.  of course, it must be noted that the gop killed off a percentage of their voters due to these crazy conspiracy theories they pushed out there regarding covid. many refused vaccines and delayed care because they stayed home and took horse dewormer. i did wonder at the time as we watched one after another die who had refused the masking/vaccines, and wondered why they would kill off their own voters. did it make an impact on this election.  no doubt it did in some places. 

gen z is also just starting to come of age to vote so it's only going to get worse for the gop. 

on this monday walk i was speaking of the generations and racism. our parents parents were more likely to be outwardly racists in some ways.  our parents were more silently racist, didn't mix.  us we were less racist but did begin to note that we had been taught racism and these were lessons we learned but were trying to distance ourselves from. the next group seem even less racist and these gen z's they have grown up with all types of individuals, colors, religions, beliefs, sexual orientation.  they seem to have the best ability to just not care about the differences. it's taking generations upon generations to combat the horrific racism that our nation was built upon. that can all be erased with hate

someone pointed out it's not just that people in the center and left do not like trump, it's that we don't like the hate, the mean and cruel marginalization of others.  as i have said, the right in all it's bluster to spread hate and take us back decades have really only jettisoned us forward in many ways. 

their hate of people of different colors, ethnicities, sexual orientations...have only caused a larger percentage of the population to feel sorry for those marginalized and as our hearts opened up we heard their stories and we wanted to help them. so the right moves us forward even as they burrow in deeper to their hard held beliefs. 

it's strange how so many in religion have gotten more religious and pious than they ever were before, at lesat in my experience. it's the influence of these evangelicals that are destroying christianity for those who previously practiced it more rationally. they speak out about wanting christian nationalism. this is not at all what the founding fathers of this nation wanted. these are fascist ideals, not the ideals of a Democratic Republic. it's where we are.

there were many tight races. gen z came out and they actually had more of a voting pool than those over 65.  this must be pretty scary for those of that generation.  they are dying off and new ideas are coming. the gen z will continue to grow and the older population will continue to die off and/or become incapable of voting. 

better not piss gen z off too much, they will be the ones taking care of the elderly...or not i guess.

the younger generation understand that abortion is a freedom not a fetus. of course, not all of any generation see things the same but these pro-life extremists have gotten themselves into a hole.  a hole where they are now supporting death to women who find themselves pregnant but unable to end unhealthy pregnancies.  they are also finding themselves supporting rapists and incest perpetrators. as it is very difficult to prosecute rapists, the victim of rape that finds herself pregnant may actually cause more pain to herself if she accuses someone of rape and it's not prosecuted, now their rapist can have control over them for decades as they can get partial custody of the fetus they carry and the child they bear. 

they have put themselves on the side of supporting forces births for children.  they only want young people producing babies, fighting in wars and owning guns.  they don't want to give them rights, they are even tossing out raising the age to vote again to 21.  this was dropped as we were sending 18 year olds to Vietnam to fight and they couldn't even vote. 

these are more of root glacier and below is homer beach.  

these are back to post Tusker times. 

Sunny has been a light that has helped me heal from the dark place after the loss of Tusker in the middle of pandemic. 

he is perfectly named as well.  anyone he meets just smiles. his crazy hair and his bouncing just win them over immediately. 

we were laughing today as he nabbed Ivy's tennis ball then was bouncing through the woods expecting her to chase him.  she just kept looking at me then she'd sort of head towards him and he'd bounce off in a different direction. 

the skelly's are in a heap on the front deck, the fake Christmas tree is standing, just needs to be fluffed and decorated. may just enjoy the tree for longer this year. 

i also heard a bit of a kerfuffle and when i looked Covid Cat was batting around one of the humane traps again.  there was another shrew caught.  oh bother, as pooh bear would say.  good to catch them and be able to take them out to escape and live again. not sure how large a shrews territory is or what they think about being dumped in a new territory mid winter. it's been cleaned and rearmed with peanut butter.

the gop are licking their wounds as the Senate is still in the Dems control with one seat to be called after a run off election in Georgia in early december. our senate race is between two gop members, one extremist trumper and the one that's been there. we just started with ranked voting so if nobody gets 50% on Nov 23rd they will do the ranking and see where we land. our house seat will probably end up with the ranking as well. Peltola, the Dem elected recently to fill youngs seat when he died on a plane, hasn't gotten to 50% yet. 

the orange monster is planning on announcing his run for 2024, mostly hoping to save himself prosecution i suspect and because his ego will never allow him to accept defeat...if their conspiracy is correct and he actually won in 2020, that should be two wins and he shouldn't be allowed to run again.  haha...but i'm sure those conspiracy crack addicts won't agree to that.  as it is he may cause the gop to split the vote...i could totally see him running as an independent if he lost the primary to desantis. we shall see. 

i'm still hoping for some deaths by natural causes over the next two years. i can think of several old geezers that it would be great if nature took care of them as an issue. why do these insane arses never die! only the good die young they say...seems quite true. 

one of the days we were out in the tide pools Sunny found a fish.  i kept getting it and tossing it back into deeper waters but he would return to where i tossed it and grab it again.  

they do love the beach.  

on a sad note.  my mothers widower, Rudy, passed away this weekend.  i do not know any details, none of us seem to yet. he'd pretty much ghosted us all a few years after Mom passed.  he was great to my Mom and brought her great joy in her last years and took excellent care of her. i heard from him, calls and the occasional bouquet of flowers for a few years and then he just cut off contact. was he ill? no idea. sometimes we have no idea why people do what they do. i am forever grateful to him for the happiness and kindness he gave to my Mom. 

i did get all my continued education completed and my new license paid for.  i do get things checked off the to do list slowly. 

my to do list most days consists of feed animals, walk dogs, chill.  it's a pretty sweet life!

life doesn't always go the way you expect but in the end, it goes how it goes and you do adapt and thrive if you allow yourself.  i have frustrations and disappointments but overall, i'm quite happy with how my life has turned out. 

living here, the many great adventures i've had. the amazing people i've met over the years.  the experiences, the life lessons.  

every step of the way i was pushed out of my box and i grew in ways i never could have predicted. 

i go back and forth between feeling badly for those who hold tight to the things we were raised to believe and feeling angry at them a bit for being so intelligent and not really questioning those things. 

in the end, you hope they are happy.  sometimes, it's a matter of what you don't know i guess bringing you some peace.  i chose a different path. it was not always very easy.  there were some free falls as i tried to re-learn all that i'd been told was true and right. in the end it was totally worth it to me though. 

people who leave the church or anything that is familiar really, do not do so lightly.  most actually are trying to find a way to stay with what they know and what is comfortable.  in the end, when they find that what is comfortable and known is totally bull, it's painful to admit this and then more painful to walk away. there are always consequences to walking away.  not all the consequences are bad though 

as a matter of fact, i find the consequences of leaving have brought me more growth and peace than i ever would have found staying.  still, it would have been much easier if my search had come up that the church was true and i stayed, even if i was miserable.  easy isn't always the best path in life though.  you never know what happiness is until you are willing to sacrifice in search of it. the sacrifice of it all can overwhelm at times but the joy of being unfettered and free to explore all that this earth/life have to offer is the the real reward. 

i find it's better to live and enjoy this life freely and completely than to waste our time on this earth living for possibilities of the next life.  as long as you try to be decent here, i think things will be okay in the next world. putting so many restrictions on this experience, it just can only be detrimental to the overall learning experience. the times of the greatest growth seem to be the times of greatest change and/or turmoil. 

got home from walking the dogs and was sitting in the car getting ready to get out, but there was a bull moose cruising down my street so we sat in the car until the moose had moved on. i really need to carry my big camera more for taking photo's.  i've gotten lazy over the years with the iphone in tow. 

love the colors in the shot below.

and the lack of colors in this one. he's so tiny!! 

Ukraine had a great day the other day.  it's not over by any stretch.  appears more that putin may just be pulling back to start anew but who knows....another human that could leave the planet anytime and not be missed. 

gop will probably control the house, but by a slim margin. it wasn't the big red wave they have bragged about, thankful for that.  there are small wins.  still a lot of people who seem to get away with things they should not get away with. 

hell continues for the protestors in iran, big explosion in a mall in turkey. lots of stuff happening across the globe. 

was rewatching some of the crown these past few nights, there is a new season so i am watching season 4 before starting in on the new stuff.  what a screwed up family they appear to be. now with the changes....what a strange crew they have there. 

i suspect the more we know about the royals the less relevent they are. social media and the internet have not done them much favors...or they just haven't learned to use it to their advantage. 

the Amazon owner has said he plans to start making some major donations.  giving a million at least to Dolly Parton, who oversees several non-profits or works with then anyway. this is good news.  far too many  of these multi billionaires are hoarding money and doing less to help others. musk is getting slammed post twitter acquisition.  he's quite the arrogant jerk it seems though. 

these cute faces!

the globe has 8 billion humans on it and counting...and the gop wants to stop all abortions and stop birth control.  brilliant plan! 

these leashes are looking a bit dingy now.  they were so bright in this photo. 

i still need to do more walking on leash and i am starting to really want to do more for me...swimming and yoga, things like that. time to get off my butt and start an exercise program again.  

i better head to bed.  thankful for a. Rudy and all he did for my Mom. b. the good in people everywhere, it far exceeds the bad that we hear so much about. c. being remembered