long and windy night...

 

not sure if anyone else's sleep was interrupted by the wind.  i opened and closed dog door a few times. 

the last time i shut it was because the outdoor run had flipped over. when i woke again the winds had calmed again...it was nearly 7 am so i went ahead and flipped it back. not the easiest task but it's done.  

single life has always had it's ups and downs.  i'm sure married life does as well.  doing things on my own is great and other times doing things on my own sucks.  making my own decisions is great and other times it can be painful or stressful...as in selecting a house or deciding on whether to let your dog go. 

i would still rather be single than be unhappy in a bad or mediocre  marriage.  that seems to be a good chunk of marriages so i focus on the misery of others some days to buoy me up when i have misery.  i'm always in awe of those rare marriages/relationships that do seem to be strong and truly a partnership. it always felt like do it that way or not at all. i'm sure it takes a lot of work to maintain a relationship over the years with everything life throws at you.

it's been dreary days these past few days.  so a bit down in the dumps, attempting to get motivated to get outside.  the dogs are good motivators though, especially the puppy.  having the older pups did allow some complacency.  it is always such a great place after you have trained the dogs and have adults that are chill with you skipping a walk here and there....with a puppy that is not as doable.  

pups do have a great deal of energy and if you don't expend some of that energy it may be taken out on your shoes or your furniture. yesterday we did the airstrip and around the big loop there.  the day before we hit Ruth Arcand. it felt like the days of fall there with the rocks.  not sure if there were just some exposed with the melting snow or if the rock grabbers have moved on to other places. enjoyed the day out there.

have given him some off leash time and done some training...remembering to take the training treats with me.  

neuter is tomorrow.  will be able to get him licensed after that and get Tusker's license removed.  also they were super nice there and scanned the other pups microchips and put their photo's in with their record just in case they ever end up there. the crew there was so nice.  you never know what will happen.  car accidents, wind storms like last night.  dogs get loose.  it always scares me, especially when i'm at work.  the plus side to the dog door is they can get outside.  the minus side is they can get outside. 

i shut the dog door on days like last night because i fear a fence will come down. it has happened before.  oddly, at the time Tusker and Ivy never made a move to go to the neighbors yard.  i put up a barrier fence until the repair was done but they never made any attempt to break it down.

conversations at work these past weeks...it is funny to me that when i started my career as a nurse we were in the middle of the whole Aids thing.  now at the end of my career we are in the time of Covid. 

before Aids nurses did not always wear gloves like we do now and after Covid i suspect staff will be wearing masks on a much more regular basis....i doubt that will go away post covid. 

i could be wrong. i am wrong more times than i am right i'm sure.  we can all be wrong.  i can be headstrong but i do try to back off more than i used to. no matter how right we feel we are often not right.  dang it there goes the wind again. according to weather report i saw it's supposed to calm down after 10 am...that feels pretty exact so we shall see.  for sure the weather forecast is often wrong

Aids wasn't as transmissible as first reports seemed to assume. there was also the whole concept that it was only happening to the gay community...and that somehow it was Gods punishment....so many didn't want to help those afflicted.  sounds a bit like the old days with the lepers i guess. 

there was one student in my nursing class that was failed out because she refused to take care of any Aids patients and that just isn't how this career works. 

as annoyed as we can be with the current situation, we go in day after day and take care of the patients that are assigned to us. we treat them with respect even when they do not treat us with respect. we use the latest information out there to try and help them heal even if they believe all the science is crap and instead believe random fools on the internet. 

at least in the time of Aids we didn't have rampant conspiracy theories.  

Aids also didn't impact the economy with all the folks taking sick days. 

 Covid is more transmissible so we continue to use precautions at work. at least we do seem to have the gear available. it's a free for all really.  everyone protects themselves how they feel safe.  

in the beginning we were told so many different things on how to be safe and how long masks maybe could last.  it changed constantly.  in the ER it's tougher.  the covid can much more easily run amok. how have i gotten through all those days there without getting it? we still seem to wear mostly the same n95 the whole shift. previous to this those were one time use. 

at this point we feel like we are the survivors, those of us who are still showing up to work. it's us and a constantly changing mix of travel staff. 

i know i am on edge at times.  i know i have more stress than what we usually dealt with. it's tougher to be compassionate.  you have flares of irritation because you are just more on edge. 

we all just want this to be over. we want to have a stable core staff.  we want to feel safe. 

it's easy to be a hermit on my days off.  focus on the dogs. be lazy.   i accomplish so little on most days.  recovery.  

you just try to muster the will on your days off to start again.  feel a bit numb returning to work.  you just never know what you will be facing and who you will be facing it with.  still, it's the job you signed up for.  you go to help those who need help.  you try to be kind.  you try to be patient.  i'm sure all of the energy for me is focused on keeping it together at work...probably makes me a less pleasant friend these days. most days it's just the dogs and i.  

thankfully, i live in a beautiful place.  winter is a bit more difficult some days.  in the summer, my days off I'm off exploring more.  in the winter we tend towards hermitage anyway.  covid has made us more hermits.  we are in our own little worlds mostly. 

will we ever return to any normalcy?  probably going to be tougher for us old single folks.  we were often already isolated. as you get older making and keeping friends can be more of a challenge. 

as the sun begins to return so does the sliver of adventures...it grows as the days grow longer. 

weather and light dictate it.  good training time.  need to get the books out and add to Sunny's skills. ran into a person on the trail. he used to have poodles and said they are smart and like clowns...always entertaining. maybe we can teach Sunny a few tricks. i have my usual stuff. things to teach a pup for day to day life, walking and all the basics, but it's always fun to add in some cute stuff too 

i hear trash cans moving down the street....i should probably go catch mine.  

hoping the dog run hasn't flipped over again.  

these are from Homer of course.  i have spent a lot of time there these past few years.  it's a great escape.  

i'm sure little sunny will love it as well.

mentally, it kept me sane. i'm thankful as well that i have so many things that distract me.  

i see many who really have zero coping skills.  they turn to drugs and alcohol.  i always advocate for schools to have art and music and athletics because those are things that we can all lean into when times are stressful. some times i just put on classical music and enjoy that escape. 

will always cherish the sweet times with these two.  

the critters are fed for the morning.  perhaps another nap before i start the day for real. 

less anxiety these past few weeks. i think the puppy has helped with that. just trying to move forward the best i know how

i need to put in for vacation days this summer. 

it was funny, chatting with my friend CR yesterday. i mentioned the family reunion this summer...as with many of my friends she immediately said do not attend. 

well, i guess i should check and see if the run is still standing and try to grab those trash cans. 

snuggly time with the pups and cats is always a good time...time not wasted as it's therapeutic. 

perhaps i can get a few things accomplished today.  i say that every day though.  :-)  

thankful for A. friends who tolerate me B.  family who tolerate me C. pets who adore me

life is moving forward....

 

looking through Christmas cards...i'll take a break to put in a blog entry. yes, Christmas cards.  everything stopped the weekend that all happened with Tusker. 

finished my week long stretch of work. only skipped one day of walking and that day i came outside over and over to try and wear out the dogs.

puppy was left in the pen and still had no dog door interest.  

last night was my first night off so i determined that with the weather warmer and windy/crappy i would work the dog door.  seems to have worked.  i removed one of the flaps, mine has two flaps and got handfuls of bits of hot dog.  Ivy was very interested of course.  thus she did help a bit with the training...and at other times hindered progress a bit as well.  haha. today he is going in and out of the dog door with much more confidence.  

will this help take care of the potty situation once and for all...we shall see. i have fresh pads down on the floor and will hopefully remove the ones that he isn't using one by one. i bought some great washable ones. 

we made it to the beach last Sunday between shifts.  always a favorite hike...so his first time there and he seemed to really enjoy his beach day.  

i continue to work on sit/down/gentle and here puppy commands along with the dog door training. 

have also been doing some off leash time on several of the trails this past week.  he's getting very good at the here puppy. still distracted by other dogs.  most of the times i have been very successful at getting him to move away from the dogs with the here puppy command. we have also practiced Hold up and off trail.  he has been barking at anyone he sees out there so keeping treats in my pockets and distracting him is helping.  he is a very smart little pup so hopefully, training will continue to go well. 

we attempted some heel  but i've never been the best at that.  do not like pulling dogs though so best to get them good on leash as well as off leash.  Tusker wasn't perfect and he was a puller.  the harness i got for him was great at keeping that better controlled. my best pair for leash walking so far was Blossom and Rio.  it is an amazing feeling having your dogs walking right next to you on leash.  Ivy was always a bit better at heel than Tusker was so we shall see.  perhaps i will get to a good place with these two. 

below is one of my favorite photos of these two.  they do seem to be bonding well, which is really fun to watch.  today he would follow her out the dog door and they played and romped.  she was also sparring with him like she enjoyed doing with Tusker on the trails today...so that was fun to watch as well. 

he is making progress with the cats as well. they aren't too scared of his bouncy puppy moves.  i think they have lots of places to escape if needed so that helps. not sure how i get so lucky with such these animals becoming buddies but it's fun to watch their little relationships grow. Miss Breezy loves dogs so i know she will eventually be snuggled up with him. that is just her way.  she is currently sleeping near him in the office here.  he's zonked.  

with the wind and snow melt i thought it may be fun at Ruths.  there were once again quite a few rocks...i must have been right ahead of one really good rock painter.  not sure where he hid the one dinosaur. oh well, another day.  there were some trees down, one just missed the original Freddie spot. i reported off to the rock group.  

the pup is not keen on these crates but the cats have learned they are safe places.  he gets neutered this week.  we will see how potty training goes and perhaps soon i can pull up all these puppy items.  still the chewing to deal with. he is teething.  

work, well lets see.  this week i worked holds in the ICU, resource in the ICU night two and night three i was ER holds.  the week before if i recall correctly i was PCU two nights and then a sitter the last night. 

it feels like just a matter of time before we all get this new covid, omicron.  i don't think i've gotten it yet. it feels like it's gone through many i know.  mostly, lots of sick calls everywhere...some businesses across the nation are hobbled a bit due to sick calls. i know the phones at employee health have been nuts.  despite super high numbers of + covid cases the ventilated numbers seem much lower this round than with the last round. so that is good. people will  still die, people are still getting hospitalized but those numbers so far are more manageable...the stressor will be if we have enough staff to take care of this round.

many have left for other jobs and many out there are leaving their home hospitals to take advantage of travel dollars...so our core staff feels very low while travel staff is high.  the morale of the crew left is low...there are so many travel staff working right next to you, not doing the job as well as you, but getting paid much more.  

i try not to let it bother me too much. happy to have the warm bodies. most are mostly competent but there are a few that just scare the hell out of all of us...make you wonder if they really have any ICU experience at all. it is added strain on core staff even with the competent ones because they often just need your help with where things are or with how things run here.  so you are doing your job plus assisted various staff around you.  the ICU seems to be very hard hit.  on any given night we seem to have just a handful of actual core staff, all doing 1:1's or charge and then the rest are travelers. 

everyone is tired of covid.  tired of those who can't be bothered to protect us or anyone else.  it still seems to be more non-vaccinated that end up hospitalized but this one seems to hit everyone.  

i still have one more Christmas gift to deliver...then i can be done with Christmas. :-), sorry T! i did change over the Skelly crew to Valentines.  i was making ice hearts, which were doing great...until the meltdown.  the botanical gardens had just completed their Ice Sculptures when the warm up happened and destroyed them all.  

the side streets are all glare ice.  the main roads weren't too bad.  

a memorial blanket i made on shutterfly arrived so i've been snuggling into the Tusker blanket this week. 

laundry, dishes...all the duties.  the puppy will get snipped on Tuesday.  hoping he's good for when my next work run starts.  my stretches off just are way too short.  i have my annual eval this coming week as well. 

need to buckle down and get a second estimate for the floor in the bathroom,  then hopefully i can get that project moving.  a new toilet will be so fabulous...that is planned.  next i will work on the main room flooring. 

there are several house projects...some will be more spring.  front deck, shed, general wear and tear on the place. 

he still likes to play in the upstairs water bowl.  will need to get a groomer for him.  schedule a first puppy cut in the next few months. i keep checking on puppy classes. so far none offered that work with my schedule. 

i also need to get the Elements battery charged and get it over for an oil change....puppy hasn't been in that car yet. it was so cold that despite me turning it over every day the battery crapped out a few times. 

still a great local car as a second...maybe not so much in the winters.  we shall see. 

started a book while i was sitting that night at work, so i just finished that one. "The Invention of Wings" by Sue Monk Kidd.  just started, "the Vegetarian".  we shall see. the other one was set in the south in the time of slavery.  she took a true story and then adapted it.  bits of truth and blended fiction.  so strange those times.  the slaves lived so enmeshed in their lives and yet were often treated horrible, were seen as property...yet there was often attachments.  owning other humans, but somehow also often having feelings for them...so F'd up really. 

seems like that would make for some confused/screwed up people.  raised mostly at the hands of slaves but with some sort of seniority over those who were caring for you. no idea how the south ever moves past their past...they clearly haven't yet.  it's still a bizarre relationship between the races it seems, more there than other places. 

the rest of these are from that last trip to Homer in October.  happy that i did make that last trek out there as the pups have always loved it there.  it was peaceful with the tourists mostly gone

okay...this one isn't from that trip...this one below is in Kincaid with Scout. 

Ninilchik.  there was a 5.1 quake the other day. i had a vague sense of something at work but didn't really notice it...others did.  there was also a strange thing last week. 

people around Alaska were awakened by a series of loud sounds....turned out there had been a large under water volcanic eruption over 5000 miles away near Tonga....the noise of that traveled across the globe and was heard here. 

i was at work so i didn't hear it. 

Tusker got one last bald eagle chase in.  if he was feeling poorly, i wouldn't have noticed it.  no idea how long that partial obstruction had been there. he clearly had that stricture for some time.  still no word from any clinic about the biopsy. i'm sure i could call but at this point i kind of prefer to assume it was a cancer.  they had gotten it wrong with Blossom.  they were treating her like she had congestive heart failure no matter what i said.  i've never seen choking with that.  it seems clear to me and to the vet at my regular practice that it was probably some sort of esophageal stricture caused by cancer.  the choking happened 30min -1 hour post eating....which it sounds like is exactly what happened at the clinic...sadly, at that time she was in a back cage and had no way to seek help...she died alone back there, which still upsets me.  i was for sure not going to let that happen to Tusker. 

these dogs....it's a rough loss anyway it happens. 

eventually i found some peace with Blossoms loss though never with how it happened.  you just have to suck that part up really. you never have control in those situations and you have to trust those who are supposed to know more. that doesn't always mean they are right. it doesn't always mean it works out at all.  it is better in my mind that i was with Tusker in the end.  my heart breaks knowing Blossom was alone. these pups trust us and adore us and you just never want to feel like you let them down.  in both cases i will always feel like i could have done more, noticed things sooner.  

on the flip side i try to tell myself that perhaps if i'd had the opportunity i would have been likely to have put both dogs through more than i should have.  so perhaps there is a kindness that some power that exists outside of us was able to prevent horrible and cruel treatments, dragging it all out. 

it still is and always will be better to end their suffering and accept your own over prolonging their suffering to prevent yours. 

will return to Homer and Seward and all the other places we love with the new puppy and make new memories.  

i have been blessed with a series of amazing dogs to share my life with.  i am grateful for each fur that shares my life with me.  they have all been such a source of companionship, joy and laughter.  they motivate me and are always happy to see me and adore me.  as you get older and your parents pass on...you aren't adored by anyone.  as a middle aged female...i'm mostly invisible at this point.  that is just how it goes 

i am not invisible to the dogs and cats in my life.  i am adored.  they do not see my faults or if they do they forgive me. hard to find anyone in this world that accepts you and adores you just the way you are.  

i do give them a good life. they don't know any different of course, it's just their life. they adapt to your life completely.  it's amazing really, the relationship we forge with dogs and cats as well. 

this puppy bonded with me almost immediately.  so bizarre really. that dogs have adapted to form these relationships with humans. watched a special and at one point they were showing that dogs have learned to look to humans. they demonstrated this by putting a bit slab of meat in a cage and then they released a wolf in the room.  the wolf never looked to the human for assistance but just kept trying to get into the cage for the meat.  then they released a dog.  it sniffed around a bit and then just turned and looked to the human for assistance. it's in their DNA at this point.  

i'm already very attached to Sunny. i am as dependent on the dogs as they are on me. the bond happens so quickly and is so powerful. 

i know we will have many fun adventures. i see the good pup he will be and already is.  just need to do the work of training.  lots of praise and tasty treats.  they pick up stuff so quickly.

perhaps i'll throw a movie in.  finish looking at cards...it's getting later i guess.  i could do some rock painting as well.

there is always cleaning and projects too.  

thankful for: A. a successful dog door lesson  B.  watching the animals bond together. C. all the amazing furs i have been blessed to share my life with.