ER visit....nice start to the new year

 

woke with anxiety yesterday. it's been slow getting my days started these past few months. improving on getting out though to start this new years.  time to kick my own arse and work my way out of allowing anxiety this much power over me.  so i was annoyed to  be feeling anxious. i had absolutely nothing to be anxious about.  beautiful day, no work...what is not to be excited about.  so i pushed through. took the dogs up to gasline to powerline.  on the way up the hills i started to feel my heart having early beats. no chest pain, just a catch in your throat, tired a bit.  it wouldn't stop though.  when i got to the top of the hill...i opted to turn around rather than risk being found dead on the trail. 

then i figured if i was changing my hiking plans i'd better go get it checked out. i was still having ectopic beats after dropping dogs at home so i headed to the ER.  luckily i know people so i was well taken care of the entire time i was there...i think over 4 hours. pac's. the doc said the read was pvc's but in the end, the read was for pac's when i looked at the my chart. i'll take pac's over pvc's or afib though.  i kept throwing them, resting they did stop, up to bathroom, back again. labs all good, no heart attack. 

i got discharged and encouraged to get a stress test.  i'll call on Monday and see about an appointment.  she also encouraged me to not do anything too strenuous in the meantime. so we went to the dog park today. no ectopy noted on todays stroll through the park.  that, despite Sunny Boy running right up to a moose. he got within 20 feet of the moose. luckily it was resting and didn't even stand up.  heard a dog got kicked and killed a few weeks ago. there were two more young males in the same area resting...so i figured that's a good sign if that didn't bring on ectopy .

can't wait to see that bill though. better to check it out.  my doc there, who i love working with too, noted that menopause can bring on anxiety. gotta love that menopause.  i ordered a book on anxiety a friend said she'd heard about so i lay in bed for a bit today after the walk and read several chapters. 

he's saying that anxiety is a bit of a catch all and that it's really more of a symptom. basically, anxiety isn't the problem, we are.  we feel unsafe, disconnected, we are unhealthy and we have given over to the anxiety in a way i think. i was taking notes. the book is "building a non anxious life" by John Delony. guess he has a call in show. 

in a way we create our own roller coaster and then make it home.  we get comfortable in the fight/flight/freeze we put ourselves in.  in doing this we shut ourselves off from our hopes, dreams and imagination.  anxiety becomes a habit he says. the medication is useful in helping keep control of the anxiety. in my case, i'd say it's necessary as needed since i've had ectopy and meandering numbness and tingling on my face and hands. 

i started to think about all our lives and the various stressors that can lead us to falling into the roller coaster of anxiety. he speaks of anxiety being a very general catch all, there are a wide variety of types of anxiety, depression adhd, ptsd...they all are connected. 

what does my anxiety stem from...i thought about that today as well. the list is pretty long. i've had a few near death experiences, a plane that we had to land in crash positions.  hanging in the sky for nearly an hour awaiting our fate. a bear trying to get in the car with me, grizzly bear, i was within inches of the gnashing teeth and claws. a boat that nearly capsized. 

my childhood was not bad. i suspect though that i was just #7 far too often. people have large families but then are bored or whatever and are really just finished with that part of their life before the kids are finished being raised.  my parents had moved on to other stressors and we, at the bottom, were pretty much left to our own. i don't know about the others, but it impacted me greatly to be a latchkey kid.  forgotten. as a female i was also made very aware of my weight. no instructions to fix it but clearly it was not acceptable.  

it is funny, everything about us was a reflection on the church and we knew, at least i did, that i was expected to be a perfect reflection on the church. it wasn't even a reflection on family. it was always the church first. so clearly, religion has been a large factor in my anxiety.  mormonism demands perfection and if you can't possibly be perfect (who can) well you better put on the show of perfection.  i first left the Mormon church in my 20's, then years later i deconstructed from Christianity in general, probably in my 40's-50's,  and i think over the last several years i have deconstructed from religion in general. 

i've also had to come to terms with the reality of what family is and what family isn't.  i'm alone. there are perks to being single and i have always preferred single life to a bad relationship, but being solely responsible for everything in your life can be stressful on it's own.  in the middle of covid there were some cruel words directed at me...so in the middle of an incredibly stressful time in my life and career...i get slammed by people who are supposed to be there for me. the person who was cruel then had the support of the others.  so i think that single incident woke me up to the realities of what family is capable of and what it isn't capable of. i find myself backing away more and more now that this reality is seeded inside me. 

covid impacted people globally.  as a healthcare worker it was even more damaging.  we were hero's for a moment and then we were blamed, yelled at. because of the insane politics a global pandemic was made worse.  blame all over the place. hate, denial.  also there were shortages in supplies and staff. things that had been rules before covid were ditched.  it felt like we were all throw away to upper management.  they just brought in travel staff and paid them premium.  post covid...there just has never been any gratitude or acknowledgement of what the core staff did for the hospitals we worked in. staff is now leaving in droves, adding more strain to those who stay...again with little to no gratitude, compensation or acknowledgement. 

i'm only now beginning to feel like i'm getting back to the things i did like about nursing.  i'm burned out and stressed out.  my anxiety initially started a few days before i headed back to work for my stretch. now it's more random. covid just made us all feel isolated.  our monday walks fell apart.  i think i'd hoped it would get back on track but people have found other things on Mondays.  i suspect we all miss that weekly group.  we still do things but it's not as regular. i haven't made much of an effort on the Monday walk thing of late i think because it just makes walking alone feel worse.  i walk alone most days...

many are having increased anxiety due to the dysfunction in our government and in many governments around the world.  war after war.  conflicts.  all this trump bull.  i mean he and the gop have really done a number causing division. all these crazy conspiracy theories.  we have major social issues as well.  the guns and shootings are wearing us all down. now the abortion bans that are so far beyond any reality.  women are in real danger, young girls are in danger.  if you get pregnant at any age, there is new risk. the increase in racism.  the politics have put wedges in family. i know my siblings and i, in many cases, have little to nothing we can speak of. i even attempted the olympics and this wasn't even a safe subject.  it's shocking.  after some time you start to lose respect for some of the views.  each shooting makes me angry.  these people shouldn't be subject to these mass shootings. we have things we can do but refuse to. same with the abortions.  they decrease under Dems all the time, why? because dems are more likey to hand out birth control for free and fight for sex education. things that actually decrease abortions

the truth is the GOP causes more abortions than the Dems. they also benefit from them the most.  they have for decades.  abortions were so easy for them to campaign on.  now they have won their "war" but they were better off fighting the war on abortion than they were winning it. it's sick really.  

economic concerns impact all of us.  debts and concerns for the future. 

i've also had some SA in my past....as most females do so that i'm sure adds in to the build up. most of it i was dealing pretty well with. the last few years just took everything up a lot of notches. 

i suspect working in critical care and so much death and dying also has made me more focused on death and dying.  in the end.  you have to get back to worrying about the things that you can impact and letting go of the things you can't control. you can protest and write letters and such, but in general, i do not personally have a huge impact on all things global. i can vote and again write letters or protest but we only have so much control over what happens in DC. 

worry about death and dying and all the manners that could happen...in the end.  you live your life with basic safety precautions, but if i go into v-tach on a trail or get killed in a car/plane crash.....these things are just not worth living anxious about.  you don't have much control over them.  yesterday a door flew off in flight on a plane.  it was supposed to be a sealed door and nobody died but life ends in death for us all. at some point.  it's just finding a way to live the days without stressing over things you can't control

early morning walk in Homer. 

this first group of photos are more from the trip my nieces came up on.  there is also a snowman in there.  snowzilla is back.  he's maybe 15 feet tall.  he hasn't been built for several years but he's back. 

one of our ER doctors lost his wife in a horribly sad accident.  their dog went through the ice at Eagle River.  he and his wife both went in the water to try and rescue the dog.  they were not able to and only he was able to get back out.  she was swept off down river under the ice with the dog. really just so heartbreaking.  this happened a few days before Christmas on their anniversary. 

my work week went okay. mostly, picu again i think. got a night on call. i was only off New Years Eve so i could be with dogs during the fireworks.  there were loads of fireworks in my neighborhood. the new neighbors are clearly fans.  so i had barking dogs til very, very late. 

felt like i was the human thunder jacket.  holding dogs, watching tv loudly, listening to music loudly. 

i think for sure i will go to 2 shifts this summer and i may just request to stop doing ICU/CSU, get away from hearts. we shall see.  that is yet another cause of anxiety for me.  trying to plan out the next few years.  leaving the bedside in the hospital. retiring from the hospital.  taking another job that would be much less stressful. one that would cover benefits for me.  need to see what benefits i would need to get covered, how much that would cost me.  change, even good change, can be scary. i tend to ruminate about changes for quite awhile before i finally pull the trigger.  i've made some huge changes in life so i know i'm capable.  it's a strange one, this retirement one though. people expect you to know your date of death.  that is impossible.  you don't want to work longer than needed but you also don't want to run out of money. 

at some point with that...you just have to hope that our society has improved a bit and wouldn't dump some 95 year old out homeless...i don't see dramatic changes right now though.  this is a nation that values the elderly very little. it seems to annoy people when you say perhaps if i'm 90+ and going to have to become homeless maybe i'd kill myself off at that point. 

i must say, despite all, i have yet to see a homeless person over 90 so they must get taken in somewhere. again, it's really just not something you can totally plan for.  it's also not something you can really worry yourself over. so on the plus side.  i have my anxieties but i also think for many things i'm better than others at just saying wtf. cause really, you can only control so much.  

at some point i realized i was single and i'd need to take care of myself and my future. i have always said things like i'd rather be single than in a bad relationship. bad relationships look so sad and stressful.  i think i saw pretty early that it's far more lonely to be surrounded by people who are supposed to be loving you than to actually be alone. it was something i said to myself in a hotel in South Dakota as i was deciding whether to move some place i'd never been and knew nobody or stay around family...

above is the fur cut off Sunny and made into another little dog.  i do that sometimes.  mostly, i trim and vacuum in short sessions.  just above here is a loon.

my little kayak.  it rained so much this last summer, hopefully, i can get out in it more this next summer

on the trail with the dogs and below playing in the yard

i watched a mini series this week that i really enjoyed. i wasn't sure i would but Loudermilk was really good.  he's a crusty alcoholic that leads a group of random addicts/alcoholics.  they all have a variety of issues that they bring to the group. 

i finished watching Friends. i hadn't watched Friends all the way through ever i think.  the last few seasons were eh...they just got so mean, even pheobe who was always the ditzy nice one. her getting married just seemed to be against her character to me. also they all had these deep tans, living in New York.  felt fake. many of these sitcoms lose their appeal as they all get married, have kids...truth of that i guess is that it's tough to make that as interesting in a sitcom that starts with singletons. i think Seinfeld was the only one to manage it.  none of them ever got stable relationships. 

cooling off in the puddles. 

bear poop. i do love winter and sleeping bear season.  

this is powerline trail. 

i did hit woronzof and oceanview bluff parks this past week. 

been kind of cloudy. managed to get the element partly dug out.  the battery is dead.  need to jump start that car and move it.  snow expected for tomorrow. 

i may not have any more pac's for years. i don't drink coffee, i've never had one of those high caffeine drinks, i do eat chocolate and take excedrin for headaches.  that is my only caffeine though. 

i had pvc's after Tusker passed away. i hooked myself up to a monitor at work while i was having them. they felt the same as yesterdays pac's. these were wide complex for sure after Tusker died.  the cure for that was Sunny Boy.  i was just so distressed over that loss and it came in the middle of all the worst of covid and the cruel phone message. you can forgive hatefulness, but you also need to remove toxic people from your day to day life.  i have kept my distance since. i think covid did bring us all clarity about the people in our lives. who was on the outside,  barely participating and who really cared.  better to have a few people who are really there, who really support you. 

i remember i had good friends who were texting me to find out which unit i was working in each night in the early days of covid when things were most frightening.  they hoped i was in a safe place and would worry for days when i was working more directly with covid.  you remember those things...as opposed to people who were deniers and conspiracy theorists. people who told you your job was easy. 

paid some bills. i forgot to put in my on call day...really just gave me an idea of what my 2 shift a week paycheck would look like. worth a try, going to two shifts since i will still have the same benefits package without having to pay in much more. can i drag that out a bit and pick up shifts in the winter at an urgent care or surgery center? 

these are the things running through my mind.  minimal anxiety today so that was nice. hopefully, i can find tools to improve my ability to deal with this anxiety crap. it's so annoying. you are happy and yet you have this unreasonable anxiety. as noted, sure i have things in life that were anxiety inducing but in general i have never lived an anxious life day to day.  i have always been a ruminator though so perhaps that is not good for you 

i don't see any apple in that test but i am a person who has a constant conversation running in my head.  i think i'd rather see the apple.  that is aphantasia.  i dream in colors, vividly but i am unable to conjure up mental images upon request. visualization always baffled me.  books that have paragraph after paragraph of descriptive words escape me.  my friend was shocked when she learned that people with aphantasia read but are not able to create an image of what they are reading. i suspect this is why i'm not big on fantasy types of book.  i can't picture the stuff. go to your happy place...? i can't, at least not in an image in my head. 

i didn't know i had aphantasia or that it was a thing until last year i think.  reading that many with aphantasia prefer non-fiction.  i just like a story that moves along i think. all the descriptive stuff seemed silly to me. like yeah, it's a beach, i get it, lol.  now i know. 

sadly, i can't bring up a mental image of loved ones lost, human or dog.  on the plus side, if i'd had some horrible traumatizing event i also can't just bring that image up either. there is also hyperphantasia.  where people would have super imaging. 

well, i'll get back to reading my book on anxiety.  i'm sure i'll be cured by the time i finish it.  lol.  not. 

thankful for A. that my ectopy wasn't anything worse B. kind and supportive co-workers C. good friends who stop by when you are in the ER.  :-)  

Merry Christmas....and Happy Solstice.

 

a perfect chill holiday at this end. as a single loner sort of person. i always hope for invites but also love my alone time. well, dog time. above is a favorite from the holiday season. lots of snow these past few weeks. so, lots of exercise shoveling that snow out. 

i have to dig out the element again.  i suspect with the drop in temperatures the battery will be dead. i'll have to deal with that as well. i do have AAA again so i can always have them come out if i can't get it to turn over. i have a little portable charger. just depends on how much is left in the battery. 

still have the other car to drive around and take dogs to trails.  the trails are thin again.  like walking on a foot wide balance beam. if you step out of line you may drop in 2+ feet. it's exhausting walking in that deep snow.  have worn snow shoes a few times, easier. don't get the distance i often do in the winter but still getting good work out walking. 

have done less elevation these past few years. probably several factors. lazy and bad knees must be included on the list.  the past two summers have had many rain days.  hiking up to not have the views is a bit sad.  Ivy has bad knees and so i don't like to strain her more than i should. 

just takes me longer for sure. i tend to be walking alone a lot more lately as well. more risk in being out there on your own so i am sure i take more of a cautious walking route when i am alone. gas prices were a bit wild for a bit as well. so you would have to consider if you wanted to pay $50 for a hike or just hike local and save that money.  in the end, the dogs really don't care where we go. they just like to get out. i suspect the cats really appreciate their dog free time as well.

we got pretty lucky weather wise when this crew was here.  :-) 

the dogs had a blast opening their gifts yesterday.  i had a blast watching them open their gifts. many photos were taken.  much laughter on my part. 

i still have some anxiety.  part of it does seem to be a twinge of agoraphobia, social phobias.  home is a comfy spot for me. i think being around so much death makes you fret about your own end.  the truth, we all learn in medicine, is your time will come when it comes.  you can fret about it all you want, it will come or not come. you can be the healthiest, eat the best, exercise, but shit happens and it's best to not live a life planning on extending your life or crazily risking your life. just live your life and accept what comes. it's so easy to fret about things that may or may not ever happen and harder sometimes to just live and forget it all. 

i could die tomorrow or i could die at 100. you just can't really know.  i suspect all the thoughts of retirement and trying to predict your future gets you thinking too much about it all. make good choices and then allow yourself the space and freedom to just live with some level of abandon. 

don't waste too much time worrying what others are thinking about you and your life. mostly, people aren't thinking about you and your life.  they are too busy fretting about their own crap. maybe if they do sit in judgement of you it's because they have miserable lives and are just distracting themselves by trying to make others look worse. 

so often in the past it felt like anything bad that happened would be blamed or assumed to be a direct result of me leaving that "one and only true church".  the truth to that though is that nobody has perfect lives, or i've never met one.  people pretend they do, they can act like they do, but we all have good and bad things happen. can you imagine if anytime a christian lost a child or got sick or lost a job,  we said, gosh, it must be because you stayed in church. you picked the wrong church, the wrong religion, if you had done this or hadn't done that....but that was my life early adulthood.  this revolving guilt/fear. 

one of our doctors lost his wife this week and one of the family dogs.  our lakes and rivers freeze but there can always be open areas. on rivers if you fall in you are mostly immediately swept away and stuck under the ice. i hope the cold got her before the drowning did. i really just feel horrible for them.  it would be next to impossible to watch a beloved dog go into the river and not react to try and save it. they both went in but he was able to get out.  he works ER and he is always great to work with. they have 4 sons. her body has not been found, that just adds to the pain of it all for them i'm sure. 

we do have snow machines do the same invariably each year.  these things happen and near misses happen. a co-worker that now lives in Homer lost a young dog to the same river, the Eagle River, several years back. she also went in to try and rescue the dog, but thankfully, she was able to rescue herself, not the dog though. it was so devastating for her. i can't imagine what this woman's family is going through. just tragic. 

i sent off texts to my siblings Christmas Day and then just left it. in the past i would try to call them, overanalyze it all to much,  now i'm more just leave it in their hands, keep my distance. still giving family peace as i can. 

did have a few conversations, they called. in one the church came up, they brought it up. can't really recall how it went.  always so strange. they mentioned Joseph Smith, the founder of the church, was probably more like a hippy who was in to free love. i suspect the comment was meant to prevent a real conversation and cut it off. if not that church is really jumping through hoops to normalize the reality of a conman who practiced polygamy.  in truth referring to polygamy as free love is kind of offensive. free love is a choice by both or all parties...whereas polygamy is based on manipulation, coercion and often underage girls. hippies may reject conventional values but they also tend to utilize mushrooms and marijuana and such. 

there really is no way to pretty up the history of the church and though as my family seems to infer they are trying to weed through all the social norms and rules and make some changes to make themselves more palatable to the next generation...history has a sticky way of following you.  in truth people rarely leave what is comfortable for them no matter how many facts they discover. this is why many stick with the church and refer to themselves as nuanced. an attempt really to gloss over the deeply flawed history and strangeness of the past. 

it was clear that one of those changes would not be the acceptance of gays. although, if the mormon church's history is any indication...the church tends to have convenient revelations that coincide with the social norms. i suspect many mormons of the day were upset when the church stopped practicing polygamy in order to become a state...some so upset they broke off with the main church. some moved to Mexico. 

i also suspect many mormons were upset when the church succumbed to the civil rights movement and had another revelation about blacks being able to hold the priesthood. one day they will accept gay marriage perhaps and upset more long term members. the problem often is that things that you fight for or against today may just be unimportant another day. 

they are apparently getting less critical of many things, piercings, tattoo's, not having to wear a dress to church...these are the non-doctrine items they are supposedly working to relax on. what about all those people who were made to feel like horrible, sinful people because they didn't follow all the rules...oh well, get over it i guess.  we went another way this week. 

i used to believe that the continued revelation stuff was brilliant, the older i get and the more i see the major flaws in it all,  the more i see it's really a trap.  why would an all knowing God keep changing his mind on this stuff.  it's baffling

i always found it baffling that a God would concern himself with most of what many out there assume he does...seems incredibly arrogant to believe Santa or God is watching your every move, of course, the Santa part goes away pretty young.  omg, you had a glass of wine, coffee, soda, sex. you weren't wearing the sacred underwear, you wore pants to relief society. i always found that with so many horrific things occurring worldwide, let alone in the universe, should an all powerful God be wasting time on what i'm eating, drinking or wearing for underwear?

it's a scam and Smith was a conman...more like mark hoffman than a hippy.

those early leaders were not into free love they were perverted and used women and girls for their own pleasure...with no regard for the woman/girl's needs or wants. 

no jury duty so far.  i'm good for tomorrow.  then i head back to work thursday. i'll have to call about jury duty first though. 

i still have a few presents to get out to local friends...

drove through lake Hood, there was a plane all decked out in lights. looked really cool sitting out there. 

watched a few classic Christmas shows, still watching some of Friends episodes.  my little portable dvd player is about dead. i have another on order. 

when i drive around mid town i look around for photographers and a sign of the white raven. he's all the rage these days. no sightings for me yet. don't want to risk a car wreck in my search and it always seems busy in that area. 

may head over and look at a huge snowman. the family that made it in the past took a 10 year break...the city wasn't happy with the crowds i think. been great years for making a giant snowman though. should be well over 10 feet. 

the puppies and kitties keep me very grounded and happy. 

work is work.  i suspect when i'm ready for the big change i will just take action.  i'm slow to action and then i just do it. need to put in some blocks of vacation time for the summer. nothing huge planned. have wanted to check out Yakutat, so perhaps i will look into that. i did look at the low tides and marked them so i'll look at the calendar tomorrow perhaps and start making some plans for that. 

went to see the lights at Kincaid and at the Botanical Gardens. always fun.  

also met up with some friends from out of town for a few meals. great to catch up. 

some phone chats with friends as well. 

tomorrow i really should try and start putting Christmas away. we will start to be adding light soon.  

we have passed the shortest day.  this place is always changing. 

i'd gotten matching pajamas for me and the dogs. lol. Ivy was not at all happy.  she runs from the harness.  she was excited today since it was like 2 degrees out there and the clasp for her seat belt was frozen...she snuck up to the front seat.  she looked pretty proud of herself. all i could do was laugh.  she is the sweetest.  

i ended up staying in bed super late Christmas morning.  apparently, Sunny Boys gift to me was a lovely snuggle session. couldn't say no to that. 

no big gifts though i do think this old computer is getting on it's last leg...may need to back up everything and transfer it to a new computer at some point. 

well, i guess i should get some bedtime snacks and hit the hay. 

grateful for A. puppy companions and Christmas snuggles.  B. friends who get me and accept me and watch out for me. C. each and every day i get to be on this planet living this life.  it's not perfect but it's a lot of fun!