babbling because that is my brain

 

It's grey out there right now. I'll head out for a walk in a bit, but delay for a bit. The dogs don't really care when, just that we go. 

We warmed up a bit, 20's-low 30's F. so ice hearts were on hold. melting fast. the temps are cooler, but the days are longer so the hearts start to melt by the afternoon.

still great for photo ops. brightens up the winter days.

this stretch off has been dedicated to Olympic watching. it started with some coverage of the fools from DC with their ICE thugs. there were protests in Italy. thank you. now it's mostly just Olympic coverage. the orange fool trashes any athlete that even hints at being kind to neighbors or speaking out about what is happening. he's the biggest wimp. the males around him are also wimpy and subservient to him, which is ironic since these same men want women to be subservient. they don't see how it looks on them. i have no intention of being subservient. 

there are claims that they have pulled back in Minnesota on their ICE activities. mostly, it appears they have just changed some tactics. for people who want to bypass laws to export people they are now working hard to create more and more concentration camps. they drop people out of detention in the middle of the night at times without their phones or warm clothing. a group works to collect them. there are people looking into woods as well since these asses have been known to drop people out there.

i have backed away more and more from any of his supporters. it's just hard to respect the views that are so destructive and cruel. a guy at work started to talk about how Pretti somehow deserved what he got. i just said, that is just an argument here so i'm walking away.

between covid and the orange fools shenanigans i have backed way off of many in my life.   there was also the cruel and hateful message for me. it was just one of those eye opening moments in life. a very specific apology was fine but it spoke truths. once i left the church, the worse would be assumed of me. no matter who i became i would always be seen as less. after years of killing myself trying to prove my worth,i accepted that my worth is never going to be proven because i simply have no worth after leaving. there are certain things in life where people can apologize but really, they have demonstrated who they really are. you should never allow them back in.

the "forgiveness" is going to be more for your sanity than for any sort of rebuilding.the old forgive and forget is really something pushed by those who need you to forgive and forget so they can keep repeating the bad behaviour. it puts it on the wronged to be the better person over and over, while allowing the one who puts out the negative to just move on. you can't make yourself suffer long so you have to just let it go to a degree but then put up boundaries and make decisions about how much contact you will allow. 

some rough days in these past years but i am grateful because i feel like i'm not in a more happy and peaceful place. 

just need to start planning for this coming summer. road trips mostly. my work weekends fall mostly on the good low tides. may need to expand my vacation ideas.  we shall see. i do enjoy Homer with the dogs.

bear in the  bear tree this last summer

lost this whole litter. fear i'm getting a reputation as a kitten killer.i hope not. no new kittens for a bit. 

fur rondy and iditorod are coming up. break up comes pretty fast after that. the light is lasting longer each day.

mom was ill and babys underweight.

i am getting better prepared and learning more and more about attempting to help these tiny kittens. reading a book about fostering kittens. 

have been enjoying the kitten time despite my failings.  i will always remember Poppers. the things i should have had.  mostly, just being more confident in my gut feelings about their issues.

still want to spend some time in Yakutat. repeats of other places always good too. things different every time you visit a place

things change here so fast you could visit the same place different weeks and the change would be dramatic.

the Epstein/trump files are showing more and more depravity. our rouge leaders are doing all they can to hide and lie about what may be in there.nothing to see here...look at the dow. it would be more ridiculous if there wasn't a percentage of the population who can't be bothered to actually research anything and simply accept what these idiots tell them.

on the plus side, even though our country is refusing to do anything about these pedophile/possible murderers, the rest of the world is starting to step up and do their own investigations.  

justice moves frustratingly slow but you have to have some faith and hope that many will eventually have to pay a price for their behavior and association. in other nations some have lost positions. 

my sweet puppies!

many of these are from a drive to Valdez. always a great road trip

often with a stop at Matanuska Glacier. never get bored of these views.

most of my walks have been in N biv and at the dog park.  a few beach treks though. 

during the warm spell the roads to Manitoba got to be slush/ponds and glare ice. in the end, i opted out of the Manitoba night.  i'm not the best winter road driver. i mean, i have done some scary drives very safely, but it's very anxiety inducing.  you have to decide if the overnight is worth the anxiety and the risk. really just wasn't. i was watching the road conditions and getting myself more and more worked up.semi's were chaining up.if you drive safe and slow, it frustrates other drivers and they can do stupid things. if you don't go for it, you can be viewed as a wimp.  it's like a no win. why can't you drive on bad roads vs why are you driving on bad roads if you aren't skilled enough. in truth, i have driven many hazards and done well. it's honestly, more the anxiety than the skill.

work.  haven't had to work icu or csu lately despite being told it wouldn't be taken off my list. they haven't really set up for me to orient other places. i just work 2 shifts/week.  tried to just alter my attitude. it's just for the insurance. have done a lot of hold days, which is fine.  also pulled a pcu shift with the 5 patients. not a safe staffing ratio. i think i feel like i have told them i don't feel like my skills are at optimal in csu/icu so in my mind, that is documented. it gives me a cushion really. unless you work icu continuously it can be tough to keep up those skills 

forget me not. love these beautiful little flowers.

how Sunny Boy often sleeps in the car at the end of a long drive. doesn't look that comfy but it's what he does.

this below is the top of Thompson Pass.

these dogs have a pretty good life. Ivy Rose turns 10 this week. crazy. i have made an appointment for a swim day Sunday.she always loves that.  her knee has been pretty sore. the one that didn't have surgery i think. 

have been a bit of a hermit of late. it's all overwhelming at times. our government madness and those that support this. it really just makes it tough to get motivated. it's just always there, wearing you down.  something you can't control.  

i will hop in shower after this and get out with the dogs. supposed to snow today. a few flakes have come down. head back to work in a few days. 

my patients seem to appreciate me overall and most of my co-workers as well. the joy of holds is often the annoying patients get rooms and leave. was happy with one very entitled guy who got a room last week. whew! would have been a long night with him. just complaining from the moment i arrived.

was thinking today, watching Olympics, that making the people of different nations not like each other is harder and harder. social media, more access to travel and information.  people have mixed and mingled, married, had kids. those kids are now choosing which nation to do their sport in. previously, you just had no idea who those people were in other nations.  it's just harder to trash others now. unless, of course,  you have put yourself in a bubble.even those people are usually introduced to various people from different walks of life. there are less people who have never met someone a different hue than them or a different sexuality or religion or culture. to still be hateful, takes more work now i think...which is maybe why those that remain hate filled are super hate filled.it takes work and dedication at this point.

this is Valdez as well. so beautiful. 

love the art in the various communities.

Miss Breezy Chatterbug. thin but seems to be doing well. active and happy.

flowers in Valdez near the old community site.a nice place to walk i find

our new favorite place to stay. this cabin in the campground.

also love walking the pipeline to/from Valdez. often loads of wildflowers out there, if you hit it right.

the dogs and i love many breaks on a long drive, and that drive is a long drive.

great views

below is sheep mountains, almost home

out of order, but below is part of the old Valdez community.

sweet sleeping Covid Cat

grateful for: A. peace B. all the adventures,big and small C. the olympics and all the nations coming together to play sports and compete in peace.

you try to live a peaceful existence then the shit happens

 

it's been a bit of a shitty month in a few ways. at work really. overall, i have been freezing hearts and putting them out.  got a positive post in the fat tire bike group on that. i've had 5 kittens to fatten up. i've called them the Big Bang Gang. so cute. they came to me at 5 weeks. no mom this time.

you put positive out and then life slams you.  a few incidents.  first trying to get report from ICU in the IMCU.  the ICU nurse had not gotten the bp under control and was unable to give me parameters or a way to get to those parameters. somehow this frustrated her more than me. i was deemed to be difficult. i'm sure i was growing impatient with the answers i was getting. exasperated she finally said, so are you saying you won't accept this patient. not how it was. they got an order for a cardene gtt that she had repeatedly said the docs had refused to order and sent the patient out.

i was also sent to work in the ICU this last stretch despite requesting that to be over. wasn't happy, especially since they gave me sicker patients. the charge, resource and the nurses around me were very helpful so i really did appreciate that. i can still do the work, good to know. it did remind me that i don't want to anymore. i sent a note to someone in my management team so we shall see if that happens again. 

then the other night peat shredded me for ordering an ekg. the patient had chest pain and they were working on a critical patient. figured i could handle this. assessed patient, got vitals, ordered the ekg and then came out to contact the nurse practitioner. the charge had called peat a second time and they overheard that i had ordered the ekg and were not happy i guess. i mean,they could have just d/c'd the order?  i had time to page the np a few times and the ekg got done before peat showed up. they went pretty ballistic on me about this ekg and i had to finally say something like maybe we should focus on the patient and you can yell at me later. 

all was fine. i wrote a bland note but then saw that the peat nurse had written a petty and attempted disparaging note about the ekg  i had ordered. i amended my note. she neglected to mention the first call to peat (before  i even was made aware my patient had cp). because of her petty note i had to cover myself. so that was shocking to me, that anyone would get so bent over a non-invasive ekg.

maybe this is part of transitioning out of icu.  we always have peat and practitioners around so i will just page the practitioner before ordering anything in the future. when i first started the ekg machines were just on the floor in many places and you just ran one. the computers keep track of stuff more tightly. some things were better before. concerning that floor nurses at the level of pcu are deemed incapable of dealing with a basic cp issue.

not good to piss off such a petty and vindictive nurse in peat.  i'm not the only one who has found her to be a bit much i guess.  i ran into one of the icu docs on the trails.  we talked.  he thought it was ridiculous as well for her to get so angry over this. they could have just seen patient then pulled me aside and told me i'm not allowed to order an ekg on the floor.  it's better i guess for cares to be delayed.  welcome to modern medicine.

so 3 incidents in a month. hopefully, that bad stretch is behind me. 

my life overall is happily dull.  i sleep.  do errands, read, play with pups,cats and kittens and make ice hearts. 

it's nice to just accept my place as a villian in this life. the people who accept me for who i am are there and the animals. the rest, fuck em. 

i live in a beautiful place and i love each adventure i take. these photo's are a testament to the beauty that i have been lucky enough to enjoy all these years. 

i love the winter as well. the beauty and the peace of it. the early sunsets, the late sunrises.  

none of these sweet kittens made it. it has been rewarding doing this work for the shelter. many are just born too small and getting them to survive is a challenge. i also do not have an incubator, i don't gavage feed them. there is a bit more of survival mode at my place i guess. bottle and gavage feeds are not without some risk as well. 

i've sat at the doorway a few times of the kitten room with the dogs. they love to interact with the kittens.  let the kittens come to them. this group has been healthy so it was nice after a few rough litters to have that. the smallest is just shy of 1.5 pounds. 

they are good to return to the shelter to find homes tomorrow. always a tough day. i'll try and drop them just as the shelter opens so i can get the dogs out for MOnday walk and heart drop. the temps warmed a bit but are now back down again. 

the hearts i left at the dog park were gone but the n. bivy ones seemed to have survived. above is Ivy with a box of tennis balls from my friends. they get them used. they are perfect!!

these are from a trip to Valdez

from June.  lots of wildflowers popping out in June.

i'm still bitter about the incidents at work. wish my brain was better at letting go of that stuff. that nurse probably wrote her nasty note and then moved on. bottom line, what a bitch. 

the maga following is mostly bots from other nations.  not shocking really. the numbers of his most cult following are not nearly as large as they appear. most that voted for him, just don't pay attention to what is actually happening. that in no way means they are not to be held accountable, at least in my mind. ignorance may be bliss but it's not freedom from responsibility.  

the bull continues. they are doing a great job tearing the nation to bits.  the gop have not been able to really govern for years. they are all about fear politics and corporations, greed and money.  everything they accuse the left of they are doing themselves.  

a group of tourists enjoy the glacier while i play with the dogs at Matanuska

i often stop there on the way to Valdez. it's a nice break. 

trying to remember where this campfire was.  hmm.

this is powerline pass hike

views of downtown Anchorage.

this looks like Reflection Lake

back in Valdez. reading and chilling

Biscuits came to me ill. that probably didn't help her babies. she did recover and found a new home.  i really hope things are going well for all of them.

this is Byron

the babies are so tiny when they arrive

just started a book in the kitten room. they had knocked it off the shelf so i started reading while the kittens climbed around on me. cleaning and napping. it really is great mental health therapy.  i go in there after work and just escape in a room filled with purring and cuteness.

my cats aren't that excited. Covi Cat had a little adventure into a neighbors home. the home is in the neighborhood behind my house. a lady has a cat door and he went in. i think the cats scuffled. his collar came off. not sure if that was during the scuffle or while the lady was trying to get the information. she called and i went over after 8 pm to collect a scared Covid Cat.  

later i thought about the fact i'd gone to complete strangers house to collect my cat from an upstairs bedroom...it could have ended in murder. luckily, it was really just a cat collection and i guess i have a new friend. 

University Lake below. above was Cheney Lake.

back to the road towards Valdez

low bush fireweed

and cute puppies of course

will do more kitten time, reading and head to bed.  these dark days always make me want to sleep more

thankful for A. the short time i have left in this work. may be shorter if these negative incidents keep happening. B. the beauty of each and every season here. the days now are cold and foggy and i love it. the hoar frost is beautiful.  C. each kitten and litter for the peace and therapy they bring