hear chocolate could come to be in short supply!! eek!! that could be disastrous!
today i woke and the cloud had again lifted. that in no way means i am some happy perky person all the time and have amazing confidence and no longer need anyone. i still do. i know i upset people when i write posts like i did the other day. my life is happy, my life has joy...but not every day and every minute. does any ones? i'm sure we all long for something different than we have or for some time that has passed. that in no way means that i can't love the life i have...almost every other day.
i have very early memories of bouts of melancholy...depression. i've never actually been to a therapist or anything about it but the first i remember it was back when i was 10-11 years old. this is not a new thing in my life. i speak about it for a few reasons. mostly just to get those negative thoughts out of my head and blogging is a good place for those thoughts. i also know that there is a lot of pressure in this world to be perfect and we aren't. i think it's a good thing to put our imperfections out there so that others can also accept imperfection in themselves.
my poor mother took the brunt of my melancholy as a child. i recall crying myself to sleep many nights in those pre-teen, teen years. i often would write my mom notes the gist of which was that i knew they didn't love me, or loved the other kids more. i knew that the world would be a better place without me. on the nights i wrote the notes and left them on my mom's bed, she would eventually come in, give me a kiss and tell me she loved me. that was as far as my therapy was to ever go.
i had no idea what suicide meant in those days and i have never contemplated actual suicide. i have at times felt like the world would carry on without me if i were gone and that i would not be missed much in the least. (and lets face it, that is really the truth for us all, we'll be missed, we'll be thought of on occasion, but life moves on without us)
these pictures are of todays sunset by the way, mostly it was a cloudy, and somewhat dreary day, but the sunset came through in the end.
while my mom was alive we spoke nearly every day. i called her or she called me. she has been gone for many years and i do miss those calls. maybe we were each others therapy. maybe she always felt a need to protect me or watch over me more than the others after all those tears i'd shed. i also miss having the closeness of a friend or boyfriend or both that were in near constant contact. now i could go days and have little to no interaction, that can be tough. i have many friends but they all have many other people in their lives that will always come first. there is facebook which helps keep you up to date with others but i really don't see that as actual interaction. texting doesn't really cut it either, though i do continue to make that effort. talking with friends/family seems the most optimal way...on a regular basis i think is key. i have some siblings that i may hear from 2x a year and that is usually in response to a call i've made or several calls. i have a few others who have become much better at the contact, but it's still not as frequent as i would like. it's always seemed so odd to me that so many of us have no idea what is going on in each others lives yet there seems to be this thought that we are a really close knit family.
family gatherings are fun and i will miss seeing the crew at Thanksgiving. several will be meeting down in Texas.
the end result of what i'm saying is that there are always going to be some days when the loneliness will be more palpable. those times do seem to happen more at this time of year, when the darkness settles in and it's for sure worse when there is little snow to reflect what light we do have.
as i alluded to yesterday, there is no quick fix. one can't just write a note on craigs list asking for a new best friend or hop on a match site and immediately find someone. these things just aren't the same as when you were younger. opportunities are less and availability is less. dating at this age is ripe with baggage..alcoholism, drug addicts, sex addicts, pedophiles...it's just a different world with less options. i will admit that there is much less that i am willing to tolerate at this age as well. you go places, you do things, you meet people but those things don't flip around and become more than just that as often as it did when you were college age.
i do appreciate that people do care and i apologize if i caused worry. depression or as i call it melancholy is a real thing in my life and in many others lives. if i found my bouts to last longer than they do or i felt they were totally out of control or that i was leaning towards some sort of suicide ideation, i would make an appointment and get on some meds. most of the time i try to just roll with it. it's a strange thing though, having your brain turn on you. it makes sense and sounds so believable the things your brain tries to convince you of. i can see how the negative thoughts over time could be devastating for those who suffer with more than the few days i seem to deal with.
nobody out ice skating today. warmed slightly so i think there is probably some water over the top, in the morning if it's chilly as it may be the surface will be perfect for skating.
few appointments today. my first one got cancelled but though they said they called me i never heard the phone ring and there were no messages before i left or when i returned. so that was a bit annoying as i woke early. just walked Blossom in Russian Jack park after that. then i loaded both dogs and headed for my next appointment. it was to check my veins. they fixed the inner left leg veins but the veins on the outside of that leg have become a problem since that first ablation and now i have that heaviness and discomfort again. so part of the repair had reopened enough to cause a twisted tract....so now i'll have to go back and get that repaired again. no word on the MRI yet. don't you just love getting older!!
December could be a fun month of procedures and surgeries.
Alaska does have a high rate of suicide and i deal with plenty of folks who attempt suicide and/or are successful. just the other day a man hanged himself in a tree in Anchorage. they are now connecting him to some dogs that were picked up by animal control in Girdwood, the dogs were malnourished and being neglected. this person apparently ran the Iditarod once. it is always sad, i remember reading about one of my high school classmates who jumped off what was always called suicide bridge in Pasadena, CA. i remember him as being one of the more popular kids in school. depression impacts so many, the disease is no stranger to successful people, rich or poor. it also takes people surrounded by many as well as those who seem to have little support. the negative energy the brain spews out can only be fought back for so long. so for me, when i have bouts, i just try to put it out there.
took a nap this evening. not sure how long i'll stay up tonight. i'm back to work tomorrow night though.
sunset at potters.
the dark clouds were rolling past fast. i just enjoyed watching the clouds floating and churning about. a bit chilly but as long as i can get out and enjoy the beauty of this place i will.
it also makes me happy to share this place with others through the pictures and the blog.
dang...i totally forgot that class at work about donning and doffing...oops!! when i leave that place i am gone. i'm terrible. i'm so not ready for ebola!! instead i stopped in at Ling and Louis and picked up some Lo Mein for dinner.
brain overload i guess. i will have to see what i can do to make that up. also need to figure out how to use the new epidural pump. somehow i missed the memo's about these things and it was put off until last minute. hopefully there is a makeup. still curious about the news reports of a potential ebola patient that supposedly came in friday. oddly thursday night as i worked ER the scuttle was that there would be an ebola drill sometime friday. so was it really just a drill? we will never know.
well, i guess that is enough for one day. i work the next three so i will save you from my postings for a few days. drama out!!
grateful for.. A. a surprise sunset after a cloudy day B. well behaved dogs that i can take nearly anywhere. C. parents who cared
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