the Iditarod is over for the season.

 

out at Gwenich Glacier last summer. 

still July...how behind i am at posting. 

this stretch off we have our lecture out at REI.  Fish and Game will take the lead. hopefully, better than the first time i had fish and game take the lead.  the guy was so nice but he literally put the application on the screen and then went line by line how to fill it out. people still came back the next year.  haha. 

hopefully, it will go off okay. i have goodie bags and i'll make some walrus cupcakes. they probably won't be the best as i'm no perfectionist but the goodies were always fun. one thing i did learn about my days as a mormon.  food always helps. 

fell right down on my knee yesterday at the start of the walk. it's still a bit sore. we did manage a walk though so really shouldn't be an excuse for today.  Ivy has also been limping on her non-surgical knee these past few days. she will go, go, go though.  pay later. 

we got out late yesterday as i was sucked into a book, "the women".  Kristin Hannah. she'd also written a book i read recently and really liked, "the great alone" so clearly she has some great story telling skills. love books that make immerse you completely.  this book was about a woman who signs up for Vietnam war as a nurse and how that goes for her, before, during and after her time in country. 

it gets into how the veterans and women especially were treated.  

i did see some small correlation to how nurses were treated here with the pandemic. just so say, some of it was mildly relatable. dismissed, forgotten. anyway, really great read.  

got a few new recommendations for the next reads. it's almost hard to start a new book after you finish a really good read. need to live in that read for a bit after you finish.  

on todays docket is painting some walrus rocks.  i'll make the cupcakes tomorrow evening. it's the first gathering since before covid and the staff at fish and game and rei have changed out. so hopefully all goes well. keep it simple.  we will have our drawing after the lecture and questions. 

this week i worked RCU and PCU.  i am the oldest one there most nights.  strange.  some of them want to hear stories of the old days of nursing.  not much has changed and a lot has changed. i got started later than some though so my stories in nursing don't go as far back as they think. i'm also not as old as they may think...i mean i wasn't a nurse in the times of nightengale.  time is so relative though. so much changes in this world in such a short time. 

i was born in the time of rotary phones and black and white tv.  now it's streaming and internet and cell phones. 

my memories of the Vietnam war. i do recall there were draft cards and concern about the guys number, low or high. can't remember which was bad, low i think. none of my immediate family served. i was a kid when the war ended. was pretty isolated in many ways. i do recall the song "tie a yellow ribbon round the old oak tree" being popular and people tying ribbons around trees to remember the pow's left behind. much of it was lost on me due to my young age. 

i do recall becoming a bit obsessed with the war.  i was reading all i could get my hands on.  Pow's, Hanoi Hilton, McCain, torture, Lieutenant Calley and the massacre at My Lai. it was not one of our nations finest moments.  we treated those who served horribly, no welcome home at all because the war was so controversial. they were shamed because we were all ashamed i suppose.  what were we doing? what was the point?

the war ended in '75, when i was 10-11 years old i think. it is how modern wars are being fought. off our land but involving a lot of people who aren't really in the game. just trying to live their lives. wars by proxy now i think they call them.  keeps the wars off our land and keeps our nation safe from the horrors.  we just supply bombs and war equipment, training.  try to avoid deaths as there were so many US soldiers that died in Vietnam. over 300,000 US  wounded. not to mention all the ptsd and drug and alcohol issues for those who "survived" the war itself. over 58,000 of our own killed.

people lost any trust they had in our government.  the situation and statistics were covered up.  the cause of the start was covered up.  that distrust has continued. it didn't help that we later invaded Iraq being told they had weapons of mass destruction only to discover that was not true. the world was changing. 

that distrust continues on all sides now. one half seems to want to return to the time when they were lied to and life was simpler.  that life never really existed.  watching Openheimer and the dropping of the nuclear bombs...how much were those Americans told.  what was the truth.  i suspect they had just spent a lot of time and effort on these huge and destructive bombs and needed to test them out. like so many other things in our history...we were taught that dropping those bombs saved US lives and stopped the war from dragging on.  maybe it did but at what moral cost.  

there are no good wars. i am only lucky that i have, so far, never had to live directly in the hell that is a war zone.  we tend to fight our wars on the soil others call home.  we are not required to participate.  we can live our lives where we are in relative peace while other lives are completely destroyed. 

life is a little luck. we were taught growing up that we had gotten lucky because we'd been so great in the pre-life. this never sat well with me.  plenty have had horrific lives despite being born under the covenant as it were. abuses, assault.  nobody is safe, bad things can happen to any of us. i am grateful that i have been spared many of the most horrific things that others have had to cope with...or not cope with. 

scheduling again tomorrow morning. i had requested two days off, then i opted for just one, now i've signed up for the cruise for a cause in May and i'd like that second day off. oh well. if i work it, i work it. i can work the night before the cruise i guess. i have Homer that week. 

it's St Patricks Day. St Patrick was an Irish Saint. he was kidnapped and brought to Ireland as a slave.  he escaped but later returned to convert them to Christianity. it seems like often in times past conversion could be less than kind. the US has altered the religious holiday into a secular, party. 

are we Irish.  our grandparents/great grandparents came over from Ireland. at least on my Mom's side. they had moved to Ireland from Germany? at some point they had joined the Joseph Smith cult of Mormonism and these connections got them from Ireland to the US.  i believe during the time they came, the Irish were not welcomed with open arms. i do recall being told my Grandmother quickly got rid of her Irish accent as the kids teased her..perhaps that teasing was really more of a bullying. 

we never ate cabbage at our place and we certainly never drank green beer, but we did wear green.  that was really the extent of our Irish celebrations.  Irish dance classes were not the rage so i was pushed to ballet.  i did not excel. 

the Irish dance wasn't something i ever heard of. maybe in places were there were larger populations of Irish immigrants? maybe it's a newer fad. happy i never had to wear those horrible wigs. 

so reading the first part of this stretch off. my paycheck was shorted since one of my swipes didn't go through or was removed. no clue. there was a strange incident where my vacation that had been approved, disappeared. turned out a manager in another unit went into my Kronos and deleted it.  there are not a lot of Betsy's in the world but there is one that works in PCU. the mix up was corrected but it does make me wonder if the other thing happened when this person was in my Krono's.  will be picked up next paycheck.  my paychecks will be less now since i'm cutting out another shift. 

at some point i'll need to take up another job, pick up extra shifts with bonus pay or just retire and find another job. saw a house in Homer on the market.  makes another part of me ponder packing up and making a move again.  bottom line...i'm still in a state of flux and confusion about my next move

we've had warmer weather.  even if a bit chilly in the morning by the afternoon it's up in the 30's again. 

no further moose encounters. i've stuck to N. Biv quite a bit.  not that there are never moose there, but there does tend to be less moose there, why, who knows.  also now it's the weekend and the trails can be pretty crazy.  

pets are good. lots of nice snuggle time with me reading. 

no sunsets until 8 pm now.  crazy! summer is fast approaching . well first break up and then spring but summer is coming. 

the Iditarod, it's over.  Dallas won.  some controversy, as always.  had he stayed long enough harvesting the moose he'd killed on the trail.  it was left on the trail. was he docked enough time.  why didn't he go back to another, closer check point since he had an injured dog...the controversy seems to have died off.  there were a few dog deaths out there though.  not moose related.  it's always disturbing. gives me a bit of a love/hate relationship with the race.  overall, those dogs are bred to run and they love running but it's also stressful on the dogs. over the years the race had been changed repeatedly to improve life for the dogs. still deaths happen. 

there weren't as many teams either.  more rookies though.  was their lack of experience a factor.  were they dozing off on the sled...my feeling is if you are caught sleeping you should be taken out of the competition.  when you are too tired you could easily miss signs of an issue with a dog.  dogs mostly pass from gastric bleeds and/or pneumonia.  they do necropsies but the cause of death is generally vague and not prominently displayed in the news. 

there are many who wish to stop the race. change it more.  make it safer for all.  of course, that will take away from the original feel of the race, but i've already seen that happen many times over. the more you control it the more watered down it gets.  at some point it just becomes something everyone can do. comfort and safety are great but they are also not a challenge.  the spirit of the race is getting chipped away at. it's kind of a losing battle as any time you tame something and make it safe....you will ultimately destroy it.  we haven't cracked 40 participants in the last few years. 

if you want to witness the Iditarod better come sooner than later. 

i should get outside.  i do have a few things to do today.  dog walk is always the most important event of every day. i've done really good since the anxiety peak at getting the walks in. even on days like today,when it takes more personal prompting to get my arse moving. 

i have not needed medications very often to keep the anxiety at bay.  i have a homeopathic spray for breakthrough that i use first and i also have been taking the magnesium every day. 

still feel like i'm in recovery mode.  family, religion, politics, covid.  we've all had a lot of turmoil in the past few years. we've all felt a bit anxious. i feel like there's been some global anxiety these past years.  we are not out of it yet for sure.  some things do seem to have cleared up for me. covid and work are getting less anxiety inducing, family, i've just backed away, which can bring on anxiety on it's own.  that realization that you stopping calling was all it took.  knowing that you were the relationship.  

"everything you've ever wanted is sitting on the other side of fear", saw this quote last week. a lot of truth to this. we stop ourselves more than any one else stops us. 

another quote that has hit hard these past months because of it's truth,"if your absence doesn't bother them, your presence never meant anything to them". 

you want to try but i'm understanding more how one sided it was and has been for decades. i was still bought into the family forever crap. lol.  some are too focused on preserving family in the next life and ignore those same folks in this life. i always joked it was "family first, after the church".  it is a truth that i knew and yet convinced myself i could change.  they make covenants in their temples promising all to the church.  no blood oath to blood, just to a religion.  should be a sign. these last years more and more is out there. i never did that next level temple stuff, never wore the garments...now all of those silly ceremonies and clothing are out there on the internet. i know it offends them when that it's out there but purely as an outsider. it would have creeped me out if i had gone through it all. the strange outfits the chanting, the secret handshakes and names (which are actually only on a revolving chart, i guess you can look up the secret name if you know the date/year you went through). 

inspiration butts up to insane in my mind.  the creepier things are the more special you feel? i'm not really sure. many relate going through and being too freaked out for a repeat. i suspect i would have been in that category.  the baptisms for dead people was creepy enough for me.  the interview with the invasive, culty, perverted questions to prove yourself worthy of this honor...ick. all of it ick. 

should get off the computer and get the dogs walked or some rocks painted with walrus...want to put painted rocks in the goodie bags for the giveaway Tuesday night. 

i think it's a good sign that i am writing less. it means there is less crap bogging up my brain. the pictures are way behind but i'll take a more clear head over the scrambled mess it could be some days. 

pulling the ice balls off the feet. we stop often for this on the trails. they do not like booties. 

sunsets are later, sunrise, earlier.  the spring forward night was great. love the 11 hour night.  i started in RCU that night and was shifted by 10 pm to PICU. it happens.  i was pretty busy so the rest of the shift went pretty quickly. 

thankful for a. improved anxiety b. clarity, even though it can be painful c. sunsets

Early morning ramblings...

 

woke up early. looked like emergency lights coming down the road, but it was just a guy plowing driveways. a little reminder, as if i needed more, that it's time to change careers. felt a twinge of anxiety with the idea of an emergency vehicle on the street. 

i have been watching "young sheldon" this past few weeks. in a few episodes a physicist professor takes a job in a grocery store. he enjoys it. 

a change in scenery can be good for all of us. a break in what has been our normal can help us see the world differently. i'm having the internal debates that come prior to a major change for me. i'm told not everyone has a constant internal conversation...is this true? hard for me to imagine. my brain is constantly having a discussion...of course, my brain is unable to pull up images of things so we all have different life experiences apparently based on how our brain functions.  my brain discusses, other brains imagines things through images. this is why i blog...it helps me externalize the internal. as you can see from the ramblings on many of these blog posts...it's crazy town in there sometimes. 

i'm for sure leaning towards retiring this next year from my current job.  getting private insurance and taking part time jobs. there are options. well, i hope there are anyway. my age may prevent some things. some places won't want to pay me what i've been getting paid. i could take some bursts of travel assignments locally. i could work part time at a surgical center or urgent care. these would be different enough to satisfy my brains need but also bring in some money.  there are some outstanding debts that would benefit from a little boost in salary. that would set me up in a better position for when i actually fully retire. 

need to make some to do lists and pro/con lists....that is how people with constant internal dialog function i think. the internal discussion must happen. i must test out options and get comfortable with it all.  change is never easy. i have gone through a multitude of major changes though.  it's always stressful and scary but in the end i get there.

it also means i will bring up stuff with other people to see how it feels...as a person living alone and making all the decisions alone, it is helpful to get input.  of course, sometimes the input you get is not what you expect.  one recent discussion turned into a kind of badgering session.  with me feeling grilled about things. at some point i just decided it was getting too negative.  old me would have never said anything, current me did. i just said that perhaps we could find a way to be more positive and supportive. 

sometimes people aren't really asking for a grilling, they are looking for support. 

there are a lot of signs that i am nearing the end of this experience with this job.it is nice to have options even if they are scary.  i think many who worked the bedside through covid are feeling under appreciated and burned out.  i got a glass award to commemorate my over 20 years at this hospital. it felt small and made me feel small. honestly, i don't think i expected much more, never thought about it really. for me it was just a recyclable item.  what am i supposed to do with it. put it on my mantle? i'm just as recyclable as this award though. they want a newer cheaper model of nurse. i cost them too much and the bottom line for hospitals in this country is the money. experience may matter to patients and their families but it only takes away from the bottom line in a capitalist society. it's pretty sad/disgusting that our healthcare is so dictated by financial gains. patients are just money to those in the big, fancy offices. 

our society as a whole has gotten to this point.  the major flaws in capitalism. extreme wealth becomes immoral. there really is no way around that. anyone who collects money and then hoards it becomes a flawed individual. any corporation/religion/non-profit that hoards money is flawed.  greed, as one of the deadly sins, is destroying so much around us. 

i have been hearing the Humane Society is possibly the newest member of this list.  things start with good intentions but then the more money they acquire the more greedy they become. many huge non-profits have been caught up in this. with ceo's making a sick amount of money and a small percentage of the donations being used to actually help the cause they intitially were fighting for. 

this is one of the things about religion that has been frustrating for me.  i've read the new testament and the supposed words of Jesus and this figure, whether real or fictional, seems to have been very against religion for profit and instead believed in using extra wealth to help those less fortunate. 

sadly, most have succumbed to greed.  they have a no taxation perk and so that has led to many taking advantage of this. 

i was text bombed with giving machine stuff.  i've kept fairly quiet. i know there are benefits to this collection of money to many non-profits out there.  there is a lot i'm not very sure of with it all. mostly, it's that the church has had a very bad history of not being transparent or honest with their finances. 

this is a multibillion dollar organization that takes in 10% of their own members salaries, no matter their age or financial ability.  i was "shaken down" as a mere child over whether or not i'd paid a full tithe by Bishops at our annual meetings(tithing settlement).  we were asked by an authority figure if we'd paid a full tithe. as a kid it scared me. i had no idea if i was being fully truthful in that meeting. what kid itemizes every dime they make ironing or pulling weeds? 

what do they do with this money they collect...they buy land and invest and hoard it. a very small percentage has gone to noble causes over the years. more lately because there has been a lot of push back. the church is one of the largest land owners and wealthiest churches out there. they build huge expensive temples, millions of dollars spent, for buildings that are mostly empty...just like those scientologists (they also build more and more mostly empty buildings as a tax shelter really).  they do more for dead people than live ones...then these giving machines show up...they could just donate to causes, but instead they want others to give and for them to get credit. 

as usual, it's difficult to find facts about how this all works. supposedly all the money goes to the non-profits...i believe all the money is funneled through a church account though.  do they take credit for these donations as their own in the big picture..when you itemize for your taxes, who are you really donating to.  the small print says the church ultimately has discretion on the final division....that if you purchase a donation for a goat it may not really be a goat. does the church get to collect all the interest incurred from this. i imagine that interest goes back into all the advertising the church is doing for these machines.  it's a huge PR boon for them as well. 

my understanding is that this is not for proselytizing, but they do station elders at the machines....like they stationed elders outside the controversial play, "book of mormon". in my experience this church always benefits so my lack of trust in their goals on this are merited. 

i don't know all the details, when i ask, nobody seems to. i just know their history. it's not a great one.  i also know that the Jesus of the New Testament would never have believed his messages of kindness, love and giving would have ended up being a reality of churches that hoard money and do little for the poor. it's shocking really. read his supposed words and then see the reality of so many of these churches. there is so much money in these churches that the homeless and hungry should be cared for and the children should all have homes.  instead, they act out a role that none of them  actually act upon. the giving is very limited and the hoarding and lavishness is extreme. 

as i said, it's immoral.  

so many Christians i know do not want the federal government helping with welfare services because they believe churches should be the ones doing this not governments...of course, these are the same ones who belong to churches that spend that money to build malls and lavish life styles for pastors. in the past, the pastors or clergy of most religions were somewhat impoverished, humble servants. this is not the case in most situations now. the mormons put the apostles on boards of companies, the evangelicals live in mansions and buy yachts. 

we are headed for a breaking point, once again. it seems to happen over and over in society.  the haves and the have nots can't be this far apart on the spectrum before rebellion happens. 

in some nations religions are not granted tax free status.  that is apparently true in Australia.  the church got around this by creating a non-profit organization there for their members to donate to.  this has not gone over well with the government in Australia and last i heard they are taking action. 

anyway, life is going well at my end. my entire stretch was in Peds and PICU this last run. one patient nearly extubated...removed their breathing tube.  this is not totally uncommon...but for me, at this moment i have a perfect record. as i was flying across the room to save the tube from being pulled screaming "shit" repeatedly as i ran, i thought it may be time to move away from the madness of this job with my perfect record intact. 

the faces i work with do change over the years.  i've met so many amazing people.  it's been a great career overall even though at times i'm hit with the realization that the people in the big offices do not view me as anything more than a cog in the wheel. my patients, their families and my co-workers have appreciated me. have valued me and i need to focus on that aspect.  i also need to start to move forward with life and the years i have left and decrease the stress levels. 

i have done enough for humanity in this aspect of life. sure i was getting paid but i can do the bare minimum for what i'm paid or i can go the extra mile with no benefit to myself financially. that has been the benefit for me personally. knowing i made a difference in so many lives in the smallest way sometimes but also in a huge way for those individuals. kindness is not compensated by financial gains. kindness is compensated in fulfillment. 

this work has been stressful and anxiety inducing but it's also granted me the reward of understanding.  none of us is better than the other.  we all have things that go well in life and things that don't go well. my work makes me grateful for the health that i do have as i see so many others who struggle with health, oftentimes from childhood. 

have i done enough for my fellow man, never. very few do really. we all want our creature comforts and our own stuff. 

life is a balancing act.  we give some and we take some. we need to be careful who we give our money to, to do the giving for us. oftentimes they are not deserving of our trust. many churches and other non-profits are doing more to benefit themselves than the causes they claim to be fighting for. the bigger any thing gets the more difficult it can be for them to remain true to who they once were. money does some terrible stuff to those who gain access to it. years ago i donated to the Sierra club but at some point i got so many mailings from them it was obvious they were spending more to get more than on the initial goal stated. 

we all should try to be aware when we donate money that the recipient of our donations are actually getting a fair percentage of the donation.  i run a very small non-profit. we are there as a friends group to advocate mostly at this point. my goal is just to have enough money to be able to exist. eventually perhaps to purchase a few items to help the island with expenses. i advocate for walrus. i spend my own money at times, i take no salary. did my family donate to this cause, few did. one apparently wrote a check then ripped it up because i'm too political. they are political as well, but it's just that they don't like my politics really. not that i'm political. 

i came to understand more that the walrus i advocate for are one of those species that is going to be impacted sooner rather than later by climate change so that makes them, by definition, political to some. 

fun times with my nieces this summer. enjoying all these photo's.  just happy memories. 

Alaska is a beautiful place and i enjoy sharing it. you get excited all over again every time you get to share it with others.

i'm so happy that life brought me here. happy i took the risks in life that got me here. thrilled that i didn't buckle to anxiety and fear.  as i've said, change is scary, but ultimately, change is how we grow and get a fuller experience in this life 

better eat something and then take a late morning nap. we have short days now. solstice is fast approaching.  time to plan next summers adventures.

hopefully, i get myself out there more this year. haven't done as much traveling as years past.  missed my annual big treks due to covid. happy to be putting the pandemic behind me. 

homer sunset

ice floes

leaving some ashes behind...i don't always do it but it is nice to take my dogs of the past on adventures and leave them to it. 

went to the UAA craft fair yesterday.  mushrooms are pretty popular with artists right now. a few walrus out there as well.  i also was able to get a necklace dropped off with an artist for repair. one contact incorporates walrus in their art. she was willing to donate items. 

i have sent a email to someone from REI to see if we can start the process of getting that lecture done this year. hopefully, i hear from her and can get that arranged. get some visitors out there. will need to work with fish and game. 

love the old boats in coastal towns. 

these swings are always fun

and the lupine was nuts this summer when we arrived in Homer

beautiful sunset walk. 

these memories will sustain me for ages 

grateful to have some amazing people in my life. 

grateful for a. the lights out there in the darkness of winter b. having options, not many do c. comfort foods