not sleeping, so i'll write to chill out my brain

it happens some times. more when i'm stressed and the anxiety levels are increased. thank you politics. 

i have a very mixed bag of emotions these days.  sometimes i'm totally grey rock on everything and everyone.  i suspect i'll probably be this way with many trumpy family members for the foreseeable future.  they made a choice and it's not just about politics as usual. this decision will probably screw me and every other non billionaire. they have voted against themselves. why? mostly because they were manipulated and convinced that the only thing to do is tear it all down so they can get "their way". sadly, their way is not really what they think it is.  people they actually do care about will be harmed in the process...or killed. 

their ignorance led to fear and anger, which made them very easy to manipulate.  that is how it works.  they live in a box of their own making which means it's really easy to other those that exist but outside of their box. most do not believe they've met a trans person so therefore it's easier for them to fear them and believe the scary things told to them. in truth many probably have met trans folks and just have no clue. this whole bathroom thing. they share bathrooms and space with people of all gender definitions. have they used a bathroom on a plane or bathrooms that have both male and female signs on them. it's just piss and shit.  

if these fools were so concerned about protecting women in bathroom spaces why did they vote for a known misogynist who has a long history of SA'ing females.  known relationship with Epstein. of course, it's appearing that being a mysoginist with a h/o sa'ing females is required to join his cabinet.  these trumpers do not care one bit about protecting women. they care about protected one or two named women who were killed by illegals but not all the ones killed by regular american citizens.  they don't care about the women killed by their anti abortion policies. they don't care about women beaten by their spouses. they vote against these protections. 

they also do not care about children.  they voted in support of destroying the education system...this will include programs for disabled kids, deaf, blind....but the gop/trump do not care about any of these folks. they don't care about veterans. trump was angry at having to take photos with disabled veterans because he thought it made him look weak. they want prayers and the 10 commandments in the schools but not free lunches or gun safety. they do not want to feed the poor or warm the homeless. they do not want to help anyone.  they scream God and Jesus at the rest of us like we are the bad guys, when in truth most people leave organized christian churches because they are so far removed from the messages of Jesus. they are instead tax free corporations that protect child molesters. 

i now have to worry about whether my retirement savings will dwindle to nothing or if i'll have any social security left to rely on.  will i have any type of healthcare, will they raise the retirement age and force me to work until the day i die. all they have is the line, "concepts of plans". they have zero plans. so many of the voters who voted for this idiot and his band of fools rely on or will rely on these same things.  the gop could care less about workers rights.  they were like kids running for class president with promises of things they would never deliver on but they knew the voters were too stupid to not see through it all. no tax on OT really just meant they will increase the hours worked in a week or month so that there will be no OT to tax. 

rounding up illegal workers will just destroy us, putting tariffs on imports will just hurt us. i can't thing of any time in history where rounding up people has turned into some positive thing. it's always turned into a hellscape and abuses/deaths/sexual assaults happened. 

this idiot is owned by russia as i suspect several of the others are. putin blasted nude photos all over their news right after the election along with posting reminders to trump that since putin helped him get into office he owed him. 

so some days like this morning i have a anxiety/panic moment.  i can't impact how others voted or what they believe. it just feels like there is half the nation that is empathetic and sympathetic to the plight of others and are capable of seeing the larger picture and then the other half that are just worried about how much they paid for eggs last week. 

they have clearly all forgotten what a disaster he made of covid.  they have forgotten covid all together. i haven't. i was there.  being treated like shit. having to deal with all the lies and misinformation. i remember all the chaos of every day of his last administration. 

have avoided much of the news.  many are. tired of the self blame and weakness on the left.  the right is not playing legal or fair and are breaking every rule.  the left is trying to be too hard to follow each law. all charges were dropped on trump for his role in the insurrection and for stealing secret documents as he left the white house. he gets absolutely zero accountability and the right cheers. as long as they can "own the libs" they are happy.  hate is what leads them. i can't keep listening to they are not abiding by the law this way and that way, but again, nothing is going to happen and they will continue to get away with every illegal act. 

all these years of them calling everyone else the devil, the antichrist, satan...who are they following? what is arguably the closest we have in our generation to an actual antichrist. they have been made to be convinced that god almighty is on their side so it doesn't matter how they get their way, what laws are broken, what horrible things those they vote for do in the name of making this government a white supremacist, christian nationalist society.  they want schools to indoctrinate kids to christianity because so many are leaving churches, they are less able to indoctrinate them there. sadly, that indoctrination has led to some pretty selfish hate filled folks who feel superior to others in every way. that is what religion often does.  you are in the right church, only you have the truth, everyone else is going to hell or to a worse place.  

it's scary because we can see history and how these sort of religious take overs of nations has led to horrific things. rights taken away, people killed or imprisoned. 

there is another part of me that gets calm at times because there is very little impact i have in this current situation.  it appears he will not sign legal required documents of ethics and nothing will happen....he will be "sworn" in to uphold the constitution which he clearly has no plan to uphold. i'm angry that so many fellow citizens/family have voted for this jerk. for many a 3rd time.  i can't believe i've voted against this 3 x and still here we are. it's something we have to just go through and survive now. these idiots will just have to fafo as they say.  will they figure it out? will they just stay in their box and continue to be told to blame the liberal left for everything that happens even when they control every aspect of our goverment?

we will find out if any of the gop find the spines they have lost track of all these years. 

i have denial at times.  tell myself, something will happen that prevents him from getting back in office. i have no idea what that would be but hope is eternal i guess. 

i don't want to speak to people who i know would defend him.  i've also decided that when i do have to have these conversations i will no longer do anything to make others comfortable in their choice. if you voted for him, i will not silently sit back and allow you to be comfortable with your support of this horrible person. i will remind you what he will cause normal, decent people, the pain he can and undoubtably will cause. the pain he already is causing due to his homophobia, racism and misogyny. 

we can only hope that the gop is filled with infighting and chaos that slows down their ability to inact the project 2025 they have laid out as a plan to change us from a democratic republic to a white christian nationalist, oligarchy. they have patiently plotted for decades this take over and here we are. 

their biggest flaw is who they have selected as their leader.  

i'm plugging along.  tough to get out of bed some days.  many days really. thankful for the dogs. they get me outside, walking.  once i'm outside i know that helps.  it's been beautiful. love the long winter sunsets.  went to visit the dead fin whale that washed up.  

plugging along on the to do list.  i have surgery coming up.  tack up the uterus.  sounds like a fairly easy fix. i guess they could just remove it, it's a useless organ for me at this point. less invasive is better so a laproscopic surgery it is. i've got nearly a month off to recover.  more than a normal person would need who isn't a bedside nurse, but my work last week was a good reminder that this job is not normal and we often are lifting and twisting and there isn't anything we can do about it.  stuff just needs to be done.  stuff that anyone outside of the job would have zero understanding of. i mean, i can't even believe the stuff we are made to do to take care of patients, even ones that are dying. 

i just have another 4 day stretch of work days coming up and then i'll be off for surgery.  may try and pick up a shift the week i have surgery.  they couldn't switch me and just said to take it off. i can work that week though.  i turned in my paperwork to get paid for the time off. it's a strange thing for me since i've worked without a gap my entire adult life. fool that i am. 

i'll feed the dogs and then try to sleep again. the dogs next door are barking.  i find that they bark for a long, long time after the owner leaves for work. 

right after the election i deleted a family group app. i just don't want to deal with them normalizing things. i'll keep things civil but don't plan on going out of my way to act like this is all just politics as normal. it's not. it's a case of morals, values at this point.  one side wants to destroy groups of people...lgqbt, those of color, those with different immigration statuses, women, children. they want to take from the poor and give to the rich. they want to make life worse for regular workers. they have 3 tries to wake up to what is happening and each time they have chosen this path. a racist and a rapist over a woman. 

so i run through all sorts of emotions these past few weeks.  i run through all sorts of scenarios as to how i deal with others. i get stuff done, i don't get stuff done.  

the time will pass no matter what happens.  this place will go on and i do believe that once they have run their course and made things worse, progress will finally come. this is a pattern globally.  the religous rights last hurrah. they are not the first religion to come and go. there have been so many Gods over the 1000's of years humans have existed. they want to bring on the second coming...go for it, but i do not believe they will be happy with what that Jesus would have to say to them and how they have behaved. they might find that jesus is more pleased by those athiests and libtards. 

i do not worry myself over the next life or the second coming at this point. i just try to be a decent person. i am far from perfect but i know i am trying to put others before myself. i have met many people from all walks of life.  i see a larger picture. i may not always understand where others come from but i accept their paths, even if they are different from mine.  if christians would not push their agenda on others i would accept their path as well.  sadly, that is not the current state of christianity. 

will get the business part of christmas done and just enjoy the more pagen/non-christian elements. 

the break will do my body and mind good. ive had less stress at work but i know it's not sustainable stress level. do need to get the resume made still.  i've delayed it. 

perhaps i can do some de-cluttering during this time off. light duty at home.  walks with dogs.  all are good. 

it's foggy out right now.  was drizzly yesterday, blah, bleak. did get out finally. once im outside it's rare that weather hinders my walk. wind is really the worst for me.  it makes the wildlife spooky. 

i work the night before thanksgiving and then join friends for a meal.  should be nice. then i'm off til Saturday, tuesday and wednesday. holidays...may be very uncomfortable for many families.  these politics have caused some major riffs. people voting against their kids.  the right wants to do away with gay marriage, living together, interracial marriages. it impacts so many out there and honestly, destruction of families that you claim to love seems a pretty tough hill to back down from. 

even if you claim it won't impact those currently in these relationships, if you toss it back to states then many will not be able to move freely in their own country without breaking laws. they also want to get rid of no fault divorces and force women to remain in abusive relationships. they are threatened by the fact that women can take care of themselves and do not need men as much as they want to think they do. childless cat ladies, such as myself are being demonized. they voted for that line of thinking.  you do not get to cherry pick when what you voted for is destructive to others.  

for the life of me, i have no idea what they want of people who are trans?  do they want them to just live miserable? do they want them to just kill themselves in despair? they again want to remove them from military service. always so weird to me that they hate these people so much that they want to protect them from serving in war zones. you would think they would love to put all these people they see as evil deviants right in the line of fire. 

gender issues and abortion are both super complicated issues that most on the right have zero clue about and have no desire to attempt to comprehend it all.  they just scream xx or xy, when that is so not the case. 

writing has once again helped clear my brain.  it's after 8 am. guess i'll feed the pets and then try to get some more sleep before i wake up for reals and walk the dogs. 

need to do more rock painting and find some craft to make for local gift giving. i have some ideas but not sure yet. 

grateful for a. the dogs and how they keep me motivated to get out of bed and outside. b. living in alaska, it's a red state but it's also a bit protected by it's distance and mass c. that time will pass, nothing stays the same and eventually love and kindness will rule the day.