I hope my absence gives you the peace that my love couldn't

 

saw this quote the other day. it spoke to me. just a reminder of all the time and energy i have often put in to people. it's taken me far too many years to realize that people who really want you in their lives are willing to put in effort. even if that effort is less than in the busy times of life, it should never be so lopsidedly one sided. 

in the end you have to step back and away and see who reaches toward you. surprisingly few it turns out. this in no way lessens how we cared for those people and hoped they would want to be in our lives more; it's just the realization that we all deserve more. you have to love yourself enough to accept that that love is not always returned at the level you hoped or expected.

often these are relationships that are expected to last, blood at times. those expectations can hinder you though. make you work harder, expect more. when i really analyze many of those, i have to be honest with what those relationships weren't. i was a kid, they were all older and doing their own thing. we didn't really all hang out because we were related. overall, my childhood was good. i have many great memories. i was lonely often though. i was always the odd one. the things just didn't work for me. lonely is worse when you are surrounded by people who just don't see you. 

it's funny when i make a comment on fb these days, Maga can't refute things with facts so they go immediately to hateful things, so they think. they love to say I'm a lonely old cat lady.  that is their favorite jab. i'm quite happy as an old cat lady. the word out there is that it's actually men who are finding it tough to find love. women, these days, are just not willing to put up with the bullshit that they have pushed on us for generations. in truth i was just way ahead of the times. for me, if it wasn't a relationship that i really felt could be safe and fun, i wasn't interested. i saw other relationships around me and those did not impress me. 

i saw that women did the bulk of the work and had very little power. things that i like, say cats and dogs and such, well that wasn't going to be something i could enjoy without permission. i also saw women getting harassed for doing what they wanted, when they wanted. like they owed the male, the male just seemed to have all the power and the women had to manipulate the situation to take some power back. i was not interested in marriage the way it was

i found men who could handle independence in women were rare. i was very independent. so those men calling me an old lonely cat lady are very wrong about the lonely part.  sure there were lonely days. it's always better to be lonely on your own than to be involved with people and feel lonely. been there. that is a far worse lonely as it's made worse by hopes and expectations. 

no life is perfect and we all have our own hurdles to jump over. overall, i have found that there is peace and adventure being single. i rarely have arguments and when i do it's some internet troll. i love making a comment that brings the maga's to the forefront. makes it easier to just block them. i have fun blocking them. they are not changing. they have chosen these hate fueled bubbles and no truth will cross over. better to just delete them. then i can live in a bubble without them. i don't need the constant nastiness....i could have gotten married if i wanted that. haha. most marriages end in divorce. others stay married but just tolerate each other or are platonic to raise kids. i'd say very few completely happy marriages out there. i actually think many of my strong independent female friends are in those, because they held out for a partner who liked their independence. they stayed true to who they were rather than bow down to another. 

i have another litter, just for a few weeks since i'm headed to Gustavus at the end of the month i'd also love to do my fall chasing and that would be tough with kittens. this poor mom, i'm calling her Rosie the Riveter, she was trapped and then delivered at the shelter. she had 7 but by the time i picked them up at nearly 2 days 3 had passed. i weighed them and the biggest was 3.1ounces. i'm learning so much (thanks Debbie) they are usually 3.5-4 ounces at birth so these were all underweight. i lost another and then had another go that just wouldn't gain weight. my last two are hanging in there and currently have been gaining 0.4 ounces/day. i weigh them twice. 

these photos of cats are of little Sourdough and Mom, Biscuits. 

it's a strange life. yesterday i had a dead kitten and a protest poster in my car. we got terrible news that Putin was coming to Alaska to meet with Taco. the war criminal and the pedophile. i felt physically ill. i was off so i attended two rally/protests. took the dogs with and they behaved to well. photographed over and over. the rallies were to show Ukraine support since they were not invited to join talks about what to do with the war the criminal started. he could just stop.  taco continues to embarrass in his incompetence and lap dogging of putin.  for sure put has something or many things on him. 

taco literally had military down on their knees rolling out a red carpet for putin, a war criminal.  he was steamrolled by putin, obviously.  he's incompetent. his goons were around town.  rooms were saved in the icu in case one or both of them had a medical emergency.  i was so happy i wasn't working and risking having one of them as a patient. they are gone now. the rallies were quite successful great turn outs. press from all over the world.  the city was short on places for them to all stay i guess so even dorm rooms were used. of course, typical of the taco incompetence, papers and plans were left behind at one of the hotels. 

he is currently using his ice agents and illegally using national guard in DC and other places. DC they are attempting to just take over and lock down. they have turned to harassing the homeless. it's all so ironic. they never have a plan for anything. Reagan kicks the mentally ill to the curb with no assistance and no plan. many become part of the homeless population. they take away support for those with mental health, addictions, veterans support. they take away support for single moms, children, families that are not thriving in a tough economy, again no plan. they when homelessness swells, they round them all up, with no plan. it's the gop way. meanwhile trump is spending tax dollars like it's his own personal bank account. the right raves because he doesn't accept the small paycheck for being potus. instead, he just gives himself everything and anything he wants

i have done several treks and excursions this year. less hiking though. knees, bear activity, i guess. I've hit the dog park a lot. 

i made a trip down to Homer for a low tide. not huge but good enough to enjoy. i also went north to Talkeetna. i stayed 2 nights there and made a drive north. i cruised a ways into the Denali Highway before returning to Talkeetna. the sunsets were beautiful. 

the mushrooms are starting to come out. love this time of year.

won't be long until the colors are going wild. debating day trips but i also need to do some cleaning and prep work for going away. have the dogs set up with a house sitter. that is the most difficult part. leaving the animals. it will be tough taking this litter in. 

the mom is sweet but also not well socialized. haven't held her yet. she is taking snacks from my hands and allowing me to brush and pet her.  there is progress. she is not totally feral. she must have had some positive interactions with humans before she got dumped and trapped.  i bought a new enclosure. it's bigger than expected which means i often am army crawling around in there. I also set up blink camera in front/back yard and i had one that i just left at the dog door, but it's currently the kitten cam. nice to watch without being intrusive.

she clearly is a good mama cat. 

above is from the train to Spencer. have also been out to powerline a few times and various other hikes and walks. just not the usual. every year and every summer is different. 

i chased the fireweed around a bit. always so pretty wanted a few cool photos with fireweed. did miss the big bloom at skilak lake. seems like the fireweed was in rapid ascent this year. crazy. 

wildflowers are a game of chase each summer. will have some good mushroom hunting for a few weeks. 

work has been work. much less stress inducing than it had gotten. overall anxiety is better. i think some of that is letting go. letting go of hope, letting go of people more. having more realistic expectations in life and in relationships with people. it is a bummer at times but it is what it is.

finally signed up and took a felting class so perhaps a new thing to do from time to time.

it was predicted to rain the day we took the train so we got pretty lucky. the weather this summer has either been rain or too hot. too hot in Alaska is 70's. lol. we are wimps for heat, i think.  

life is always changing. you have to be willing to change with it. don't get upset at what you don't do anymore or who you aren't hanging out with anymore. there are new places, new activities and new people. you just have to be able to adapt in this life. 

Biscuits, she really was a sweet kitty. i hope whoever adopted her gives her a wonderful life

rock in the healing garden at work. every so often i get out there on a break. it is nice to get outside.

must clean house. i'm terrible at tasks. better at time wasting than time management. 

the new dishwasher is in. many thanks to MT. had it's first run last night. it was a few weeks of the old washer just being a drying rack. now the old one is on the deck. will have to do a load to the dump. probably after i get back from Gustavus.

i do love these tiny kittens. so sweet.  trying to think of names for these remaining two kittens. a bit anxious to name them yet though.  they are not out of the woods. 

will have to do more cleaning tomorrow...or some cleaning tomorrow. just decluttering. the usual too much stuff issue.

i kept Biscuits a few nights after little Sourdough passed. let her heal and decompress. lots of play therapy. 

not to play therapy with Rosie yet. she's still pretty stressed. the camera view shows her totally at peace with her kittens though which makes me happy. the camera allows that peace. 

these little faces, at least they knew a little love before they passed away. it's a rough start for kittens out there sometimes. 

it can be heartbreaking i'm discovering but it's still giving them a chance they would unlikely have without people to take them in. saw a tik tok i think. this lady had old nursery heated bassinettes for her tiny baby kittens. that's impressive. 

there are mountains all over here. i was hoping it was a cloudy flight for putin. he doesn't deserve to see the majesty of Alaska. he wants to make Alaska part of Russia again. America is a mess but please sell us to Canada if you sell us off, not to Russia!

trump would only want to tear it all up to make money and golf courses. he probably never looked out the window. he'd fall over in the plane. he was unable to walk straight on the red carpet anyway. Ridiculous

these were wildflowers around powerline pass. always a great spot to view the flowers.

the joy of dogs is they could care less where you go. they just want to be out. Sunny has been leashed often since he wants to meet wild animals. luckily, he's pretty good on leash. 

a little ode to Biscuits kittens and now to Rosies lost kittens as well. Rosie at least has a few to still focus on. not sure Biscuits excelled at parenting to be honest. Rosie is super protective.

love watching these little clips of the kittens and mom cat. these babies are so precious. i really wish humans were kinder and more responsible. 

sadly, i work pediatrics so i see that people can be rotten to their own children. now these maga people are a reminder of how hateful humans can be. they are being prepped mentally to allow anything and everything and look the other way or find some way to justify it or defend it. those people deserve it mentality. it's really earth shaking. you had higher hopes for your fellow humans.  well until you really look at history. humans can be awful historically. 

a homer shot from this last trip down there. 

i better go crash. just have wanted to get something in the blog. 

will see how energetic i feel tomorrow. 

thankful for A. like minded folks out there that do care and are good and kind humans. there are many out there. it's easy to forget. B.that those terrible humans are no longer close by. C. that these two kittens are so far gaining weight. 

my annual calendars are lost....

 

they are somewhere in the lower 48. tracking shows them not moving since Nov 4. i have contacted Shutterfly and they will expedite a new order.  so the second set of calendars will arrive within the week and be free.  not sure if the others will ever show up or just go to some lost deliveries place. hopefully they are enjoyed by someone out there i guess.  so my annual calendars will probably arrive late. i ordered less than normal of them so not sure how they will get divided out this year. 

i was on call Thanksgiving eve.  that just meant that i never slept more than 15-20 minutes at a time. being on call can bite that way.  i just got little sleep. did manage to get the dogs walked. yesterday was my only totally lazy day.  i was a sitter in the ER all night Saturday. that patient was a soft icu patient, needed to be comfort care really but worked out well for that patients nurse to be an icu nurse. i was happy with my sitter gig as i heard a really crazy, screaming and violent patient in another area...so happy that wasn't my sitter gig. 

Thanksgiving was a lovely friendsgiving. thank you MT. great food and company. last minute i made homemade gravy, which was loved by all. 

last night i took the turkey i'd cooked the other day and made homemade turkey noodle soup. 

these are at Byron a few years ago. 

only one trumpy family member called, i let it go to voicemail since i was out walking and the temperatures were super low this week.  i suspect part of me just figured better to let it go to voicemail and just respond with a text. he never responded to the text. my sister and i just texted.   give them their peace.  nothing is going to change with their views and i'm not sure i won't just express my views.  what is the point anymore?  i can save myself the frustration of walking on eggshells in conversations where honestly, nobody really cares about how my life is..if they did they would contact me more than at a holiday or birthday. the truth is these are not actual relationships. actual relationships involve more than the minimally required interactions and niceties around certain events. 

bad guy, black sheep, obligation. that is really all i am to most in this family. these things will not change as long as i'm not in their church and they remain there. they are even encouraged by their church to avoid people who have left.  it's preached. so better to just accept the place i am in. my choice to leave.  i have never regretted leaving that church nor have i regretted my views evolving as i learned more and more about the bigger world outside the bubble and met people from many different walks of life. that doesn't mean that i'm never saddened that the people i grew up with have so easily moved on. it's a cult, i see that more and more. as i see secret videos of stuff that happens in the temple, strange. 

sometimes in life you just can't be who people want you to be and they can't be who you want them to be. all you can do is walk away or just give them the space they want. give them peace. will they ever see this orange idiot for who he is? i have less and less hope that they ever will. they don't want to. 

i have no idea what will happen in the next years.  he's selecting the absolute worst qualified and least humane humans this nation has to offer.  selfish, greed filled, racist, homophobic, mysogynistic...that is what people want. 

you can't spell HATRED with out RED and HAT.  so there we are.  hate builds in societies and it has to be burned off like a fire in the woods.  those big fires can simmer below the surface during even the coldest winter.  it takes time for hatred to be expunged. it's still being fueled by right wing media and trump and his band of fools. as long as there are so many willing to allow their fires of hatred to be lit we will all have to suffer fools. 

off tonight then back for 2 more. 

i've done far too much on line shopping of late....emotional shopping. can i blame trump for that too.  haha. 

Sunday was a sleep day. i crashed. the dogs had a day off of walking. i don't do that very often.  woke late and then the light was nearly gone so i never got out of my pj's that day.  today was Monday walk.  thank you AR for joining me and then we did have a coffee day which was nice. 

should get decorations up and cards shipped.  feel like waiting for the calendars.  do it all at once. i do usually get it done earlier but i will have time after surgery...hoping all goes well with that and i heal quickly. 

still pondering a craft for local gifts. 

have to conquer my laziness and anxiety. mostly i just use this homeopathic spray for the anxiety now. does help. prefer to avoid heavier drugs when i can. i also want to have them handy in case i do need them.  picked up scripts for post op and got labs drawn today. need to look at the short term care and make sure the papers have been sent in. 

Sunny enjoying the sand

he really is a snuggler. perfect for my needs of late.  for sure Tusker sent him to me.  lol. 

lots of swift talk today at coffee.  her last weekend of her ERA's tour is this coming weekend. may live stream it.  quite the accomplishment for anyone. she has brought joy to many across the globe. of course, many on the right have demonized her...as they seem to do. any joy needs to be turned to hate and vilified. crap like she and her football boyfriend will bring a baby in that will be the antichrist...yes, another antichrist.  there have been hundreds of antichrists created by the evangelicals these past years...satan, devils,antichrists.  it's absurb. i will never understand these lunatics and what they have come to believe. 

a few bears in a parking lot that i opted to not go for walk in...or was this right after i'd returned from a walk? not sure, this is a few summers back

below are from a train ride to Spencer and beyond this summer. 

a quick walk since our train trip got cut short. 

pretty days and pretty views along the way though. 

it was one of the new things i did this year. i try to add new roads or new bits to old adventures each year. 

i ordered a few things from the body shop.  apparently, they no longer really exist in the US, unless you go through a place like amazon.  bummed as i always loved the body shop. 

i miss rummaging through Pier One shops as well. a few stores, like that are only online now. 

i have to admit to being a mini-swifty.  i did order her tour book online through target.  i didn't get up early and go buy one but it should show up. i enjoy her music and follow some of her stuff. i'm not as into the details as so many of her more true fans are. i think it's cool they do all that and play those fun games with her but i just am not that into the extra stuff...at least not at this time. haha. it's been fun to watch clips of her tour and to watch her happy fans prep to go.  great outfits, the bracelets. it's all very fun. so happy that there is someone willing to spread joy and put up with all the crap from those crazy evangelicals in doing it. 

strange year for me this year. the ectopy, the anxiety, the pink eye, the covid and now this uterus surgery. should i assume as we age there is just always some medical thing going to crop up from here on out? always new aches, new pains.  still i know that compared to others my age i'm faring well. i have to admit, being surrounded by much younger co-workers, that i am getting older.  not many in this younger generation will last long in nursing.  i'm guessing for the foreseeable future it will be a constant rotation of new staff. 

i need to do some cleaning and then i can put up the decorations.  some years i feel less festive about it all than others. i did get the Skelly's out. having extra lights is nice this time of year when the days are so short. 

biden pardoned his son.  many are up in arms about it.  he's been under attack from pretty minor charges for years now. i suspect his paid the price many times over for infractions. it's been a constant attack from the right.  i'm happy Biden did it, i wish democrats would be less concerned in this current era with doing things on the total up and up...God knows the other side is totally flouting every law and every norm. they vote in a felon and then complain about this. it's all so ridiculous. i just can't anymore.  

it's been beautiful but cold out.  there was some amazing hoar frost. love that stuff.  it can look so many different ways. should take a drive out and find more cool stuff. looks like snow/rain mix over the next several days. so far a lovely winter.  a nice amount of snow. not too crazy. i suspect the element's battery is dead. haven't tried to start it for a few days. it got down to 0F last week. 

the good folks of the nation, Georgia, are making it known that they do not want putin managing their sovereign nation.  the battle in Ukraine continues.  battles continue elsewhere as well. Israel cont to pummel Gaza. i just keep hoping that when i wake up people like trump and putin have died through the night. Syria getting hit again...how is there anything left to hit there? the world is a mess and getting worse.  i've been lucky to have been away from the worst the world has to offer.  i'm grateful for that. not sure i could take what many on this planet have just had to live their entire lives with.  perhaps our time is coming though. 

Ivy is resting near by, Sunny Boy and i had a good snuggle earlier. love my pets and all the amazing companionship they bring to my life 

my hip is already getting sore from sitting.  see aches.

was a pretty train ride. 

this was the dog park.  there was a recent shooting in the area. the police have been hanging out a bit more, they never found the shooter i guess despite drones and searches. i've gone a few times though but stayed out of the deeper woods. 

there is our train

grateful for A. the peace i've been lucky to exist with.  we had bomb drills as kids at school but never had bombs drop.  B. snuggle time with the pups. C. laughing with friends