not sleeping, so i'll write to chill out my brain

it happens some times. more when i'm stressed and the anxiety levels are increased. thank you politics. 

i have a very mixed bag of emotions these days.  sometimes i'm totally grey rock on everything and everyone.  i suspect i'll probably be this way with many trumpy family members for the foreseeable future.  they made a choice and it's not just about politics as usual. this decision will probably screw me and every other non billionaire. they have voted against themselves. why? mostly because they were manipulated and convinced that the only thing to do is tear it all down so they can get "their way". sadly, their way is not really what they think it is.  people they actually do care about will be harmed in the process...or killed. 

their ignorance led to fear and anger, which made them very easy to manipulate.  that is how it works.  they live in a box of their own making which means it's really easy to other those that exist but outside of their box. most do not believe they've met a trans person so therefore it's easier for them to fear them and believe the scary things told to them. in truth many probably have met trans folks and just have no clue. this whole bathroom thing. they share bathrooms and space with people of all gender definitions. have they used a bathroom on a plane or bathrooms that have both male and female signs on them. it's just piss and shit.  

if these fools were so concerned about protecting women in bathroom spaces why did they vote for a known misogynist who has a long history of SA'ing females.  known relationship with Epstein. of course, it's appearing that being a mysoginist with a h/o sa'ing females is required to join his cabinet.  these trumpers do not care one bit about protecting women. they care about protected one or two named women who were killed by illegals but not all the ones killed by regular american citizens.  they don't care about the women killed by their anti abortion policies. they don't care about women beaten by their spouses. they vote against these protections. 

they also do not care about children.  they voted in support of destroying the education system...this will include programs for disabled kids, deaf, blind....but the gop/trump do not care about any of these folks. they don't care about veterans. trump was angry at having to take photos with disabled veterans because he thought it made him look weak. they want prayers and the 10 commandments in the schools but not free lunches or gun safety. they do not want to feed the poor or warm the homeless. they do not want to help anyone.  they scream God and Jesus at the rest of us like we are the bad guys, when in truth most people leave organized christian churches because they are so far removed from the messages of Jesus. they are instead tax free corporations that protect child molesters. 

i now have to worry about whether my retirement savings will dwindle to nothing or if i'll have any social security left to rely on.  will i have any type of healthcare, will they raise the retirement age and force me to work until the day i die. all they have is the line, "concepts of plans". they have zero plans. so many of the voters who voted for this idiot and his band of fools rely on or will rely on these same things.  the gop could care less about workers rights.  they were like kids running for class president with promises of things they would never deliver on but they knew the voters were too stupid to not see through it all. no tax on OT really just meant they will increase the hours worked in a week or month so that there will be no OT to tax. 

rounding up illegal workers will just destroy us, putting tariffs on imports will just hurt us. i can't thing of any time in history where rounding up people has turned into some positive thing. it's always turned into a hellscape and abuses/deaths/sexual assaults happened. 

this idiot is owned by russia as i suspect several of the others are. putin blasted nude photos all over their news right after the election along with posting reminders to trump that since putin helped him get into office he owed him. 

so some days like this morning i have a anxiety/panic moment.  i can't impact how others voted or what they believe. it just feels like there is half the nation that is empathetic and sympathetic to the plight of others and are capable of seeing the larger picture and then the other half that are just worried about how much they paid for eggs last week. 

they have clearly all forgotten what a disaster he made of covid.  they have forgotten covid all together. i haven't. i was there.  being treated like shit. having to deal with all the lies and misinformation. i remember all the chaos of every day of his last administration. 

have avoided much of the news.  many are. tired of the self blame and weakness on the left.  the right is not playing legal or fair and are breaking every rule.  the left is trying to be too hard to follow each law. all charges were dropped on trump for his role in the insurrection and for stealing secret documents as he left the white house. he gets absolutely zero accountability and the right cheers. as long as they can "own the libs" they are happy.  hate is what leads them. i can't keep listening to they are not abiding by the law this way and that way, but again, nothing is going to happen and they will continue to get away with every illegal act. 

all these years of them calling everyone else the devil, the antichrist, satan...who are they following? what is arguably the closest we have in our generation to an actual antichrist. they have been made to be convinced that god almighty is on their side so it doesn't matter how they get their way, what laws are broken, what horrible things those they vote for do in the name of making this government a white supremacist, christian nationalist society.  they want schools to indoctrinate kids to christianity because so many are leaving churches, they are less able to indoctrinate them there. sadly, that indoctrination has led to some pretty selfish hate filled folks who feel superior to others in every way. that is what religion often does.  you are in the right church, only you have the truth, everyone else is going to hell or to a worse place.  

it's scary because we can see history and how these sort of religious take overs of nations has led to horrific things. rights taken away, people killed or imprisoned. 

there is another part of me that gets calm at times because there is very little impact i have in this current situation.  it appears he will not sign legal required documents of ethics and nothing will happen....he will be "sworn" in to uphold the constitution which he clearly has no plan to uphold. i'm angry that so many fellow citizens/family have voted for this jerk. for many a 3rd time.  i can't believe i've voted against this 3 x and still here we are. it's something we have to just go through and survive now. these idiots will just have to fafo as they say.  will they figure it out? will they just stay in their box and continue to be told to blame the liberal left for everything that happens even when they control every aspect of our goverment?

we will find out if any of the gop find the spines they have lost track of all these years. 

i have denial at times.  tell myself, something will happen that prevents him from getting back in office. i have no idea what that would be but hope is eternal i guess. 

i don't want to speak to people who i know would defend him.  i've also decided that when i do have to have these conversations i will no longer do anything to make others comfortable in their choice. if you voted for him, i will not silently sit back and allow you to be comfortable with your support of this horrible person. i will remind you what he will cause normal, decent people, the pain he can and undoubtably will cause. the pain he already is causing due to his homophobia, racism and misogyny. 

we can only hope that the gop is filled with infighting and chaos that slows down their ability to inact the project 2025 they have laid out as a plan to change us from a democratic republic to a white christian nationalist, oligarchy. they have patiently plotted for decades this take over and here we are. 

their biggest flaw is who they have selected as their leader.  

i'm plugging along.  tough to get out of bed some days.  many days really. thankful for the dogs. they get me outside, walking.  once i'm outside i know that helps.  it's been beautiful. love the long winter sunsets.  went to visit the dead fin whale that washed up.  

plugging along on the to do list.  i have surgery coming up.  tack up the uterus.  sounds like a fairly easy fix. i guess they could just remove it, it's a useless organ for me at this point. less invasive is better so a laproscopic surgery it is. i've got nearly a month off to recover.  more than a normal person would need who isn't a bedside nurse, but my work last week was a good reminder that this job is not normal and we often are lifting and twisting and there isn't anything we can do about it.  stuff just needs to be done.  stuff that anyone outside of the job would have zero understanding of. i mean, i can't even believe the stuff we are made to do to take care of patients, even ones that are dying. 

i just have another 4 day stretch of work days coming up and then i'll be off for surgery.  may try and pick up a shift the week i have surgery.  they couldn't switch me and just said to take it off. i can work that week though.  i turned in my paperwork to get paid for the time off. it's a strange thing for me since i've worked without a gap my entire adult life. fool that i am. 

i'll feed the dogs and then try to sleep again. the dogs next door are barking.  i find that they bark for a long, long time after the owner leaves for work. 

right after the election i deleted a family group app. i just don't want to deal with them normalizing things. i'll keep things civil but don't plan on going out of my way to act like this is all just politics as normal. it's not. it's a case of morals, values at this point.  one side wants to destroy groups of people...lgqbt, those of color, those with different immigration statuses, women, children. they want to take from the poor and give to the rich. they want to make life worse for regular workers. they have 3 tries to wake up to what is happening and each time they have chosen this path. a racist and a rapist over a woman. 

so i run through all sorts of emotions these past few weeks.  i run through all sorts of scenarios as to how i deal with others. i get stuff done, i don't get stuff done.  

the time will pass no matter what happens.  this place will go on and i do believe that once they have run their course and made things worse, progress will finally come. this is a pattern globally.  the religous rights last hurrah. they are not the first religion to come and go. there have been so many Gods over the 1000's of years humans have existed. they want to bring on the second coming...go for it, but i do not believe they will be happy with what that Jesus would have to say to them and how they have behaved. they might find that jesus is more pleased by those athiests and libtards. 

i do not worry myself over the next life or the second coming at this point. i just try to be a decent person. i am far from perfect but i know i am trying to put others before myself. i have met many people from all walks of life.  i see a larger picture. i may not always understand where others come from but i accept their paths, even if they are different from mine.  if christians would not push their agenda on others i would accept their path as well.  sadly, that is not the current state of christianity. 

will get the business part of christmas done and just enjoy the more pagen/non-christian elements. 

the break will do my body and mind good. ive had less stress at work but i know it's not sustainable stress level. do need to get the resume made still.  i've delayed it. 

perhaps i can do some de-cluttering during this time off. light duty at home.  walks with dogs.  all are good. 

it's foggy out right now.  was drizzly yesterday, blah, bleak. did get out finally. once im outside it's rare that weather hinders my walk. wind is really the worst for me.  it makes the wildlife spooky. 

i work the night before thanksgiving and then join friends for a meal.  should be nice. then i'm off til Saturday, tuesday and wednesday. holidays...may be very uncomfortable for many families.  these politics have caused some major riffs. people voting against their kids.  the right wants to do away with gay marriage, living together, interracial marriages. it impacts so many out there and honestly, destruction of families that you claim to love seems a pretty tough hill to back down from. 

even if you claim it won't impact those currently in these relationships, if you toss it back to states then many will not be able to move freely in their own country without breaking laws. they also want to get rid of no fault divorces and force women to remain in abusive relationships. they are threatened by the fact that women can take care of themselves and do not need men as much as they want to think they do. childless cat ladies, such as myself are being demonized. they voted for that line of thinking.  you do not get to cherry pick when what you voted for is destructive to others.  

for the life of me, i have no idea what they want of people who are trans?  do they want them to just live miserable? do they want them to just kill themselves in despair? they again want to remove them from military service. always so weird to me that they hate these people so much that they want to protect them from serving in war zones. you would think they would love to put all these people they see as evil deviants right in the line of fire. 

gender issues and abortion are both super complicated issues that most on the right have zero clue about and have no desire to attempt to comprehend it all.  they just scream xx or xy, when that is so not the case. 

writing has once again helped clear my brain.  it's after 8 am. guess i'll feed the pets and then try to get some more sleep before i wake up for reals and walk the dogs. 

need to do more rock painting and find some craft to make for local gift giving. i have some ideas but not sure yet. 

grateful for a. the dogs and how they keep me motivated to get out of bed and outside. b. living in alaska, it's a red state but it's also a bit protected by it's distance and mass c. that time will pass, nothing stays the same and eventually love and kindness will rule the day. 
 

rainy days

 i head back to work again tonight.  not sure i got much accomplished on my days off. litter cleaned, carpets vacuumed, linen changed...the usual household things that need to get done.

 no treks, no big hikes, though i did do the full Monday walk loop in North Bivouac yesterday.  it was raining and the dogs and i meandered for a few hours looking for mushrooms.  i wasn't disappointed and the dogs could care less what i am up to as long as they are on the trails and the tennis ball is available.

 we will probably start some semblance of the Monday walks in October...see how things are going with Covid by then.  sounds like LS works a lot of Mondays before that. we all need some normalcy i our lives.  not sure what we will do for the coffee after.  hmm.  i do have some time to ponder that.  outside for a bit should work i think.

 the three nights were at least not covid rich. i know my covid time is coming.  i mean, i know i get exposed.  especially in the ER, but i haven't had to work Covid units for some time and i also haven't had Covid patients in the ICU. 

 my first night i worked ER but only as a sitter the entire night.  super chill. i even was able to play cards with the patient for a good chunk of that time. i had to get a refresher course in Gin and we also played spit/speed...game goes by several names. 

 the next night i was put up in pediatrics.  i generally feel bad when i go there of late because it seems to always mean that regular staff gets sent to NICU so they are often pissed and i get that look of why are you here and i'm  being sent to nicu.  it was a busy night...so many g-tubes/g-j-tubes.  took me some time to get it all straight in my head. thankful for my friend and awesome charge nurse for helping me get through that.  i was getting behind fast.

 my co-workers saved me the next night as well.

 i got to work and was slated for ICU but a nurse showed up that wasn't on the list and the patients that were supposed to be mine he'd had the night before.  nobody else needed me at the time in the house so i ended up going home on call.  that lasted until about 10:30 i think.

 i got two patients in ICU back to back.  both septic and sick.  i ran back and forth between those two rooms.  PEAT saved me by helping with a line placement and later taking one of the patients to CT.  my other patient was returning from OR...the two beds literally almost ran into each other in the hall, one coming and one going.

 one of the best things about nursing is my many co-workers over the years. i've met some amazing people.

 i got the cabinet doors off the cabinets over the washer and dryer and last night i did round one of paint/stain removal. it will be a bit tougher working over the washer and dryer. i guess i could move them...that would be too easy though. i'll have to put up some plastic to protect the machines from slime. there isn't too much left on the cabinets to remove with the doors off and in the garage.  it will all look great when it's done i think. 

 this stuff, then floors, then doors...that is the plan for the moment.

 check out that old truck.  the guy and his son were down on the beach.  later the dog came back, old dog. but when they returned the dog was no longer sitting by the truck.  these folks with some German Shepherds had been through in between.  those dogs were not overly friendly...some folks really select the wrong breed for their capabilities.

 hopefully, he found the dog. the car was super cool though.  these are mostly from the Homer trek. 

 may head north on this next stretch off for a few days.

 looking like rain at this time though.  so we shall see.  not many opportunities left for getting out of town before winter hits

 this was the other lake near Kelly lake.

 having a discussion with some officers on a friends page.  i think one issue is that they have issues with trust and the public.  it's a tough thing. i mean hard to be totally transparent as officers as it could risk family as well as themselves but i think lack of transparency is an issue.

 also, i think police tend to circle the wagons around each other and that can mean some not so great officers end up staying in positions that they probably shouldn't...bringing the entire department down.

 doubt many of them really appreciate hearing my opinion but that is who i am.  parents and kids don't always see things eye to eye.  often i feel like parents really should be careful what they are posting so that they don't end up with these battles on line with their kids.  me, who cares, but their kids?  seems better to just skip it...i watched my brother post stuff that upset his kids and it's negatively impacted their relationships.  just seems like it isn't worth it to me.

 probably like that in the 60's-70's with Vietnam.  i'm sure there were some heated discussions in homes and some rifts caused.

 i don't have answers and i certainly don't know everything about everything.  playing devils advocate at times...it certainly has helped me see things differently, even if i was annoyed at the time. 

 i think lack of transparency is an issue.  i also think raising the level of professionalism across the board would be helpful.  it varies from department to department at this point. i recall a guy i was dating wanted to interview for a police academy.  we had a heated discussion about what he should wear for the interview. i felt a suit would show his seriousness and that it would match what i felt most police departments were looking for...professionalism. after the interview he told me the other candidates for the position were not dressed in suits...guess he probably would have been more comfortable in street clothes but i still think a suit in that situation sends a better message of who you are and what most departments probably want

 in the discussion one guy wrote, "you can't fix stupid, but you can shoot it".  i expressed that this was probably not very professional...nor is it smart. i mean if that guy is involved in an officer involved shooting and his comments are made more public...how does that look. i'm sure they immediately remove any social media right after a shooting such as these majorly public ones, but it just doesn't look good....and no i don' t know any doctors or nurses who post crap about killing patients on social media...if we did we could be disciplined.  i just think that  posting is a sign that this guy has an issue.  way too bold and confident he can get away with this...so i'd say this goes along with raising the professionalism and weeding out some individuals who can bring down the entire force, but mostly they circle the wagons on the least of their members instead of rooting them out.  i just think that is a mistake.  i'm not a cop though so my opinion is just that, an opinion. i think that comment disappeared so perhaps i accomplished that...hopefully the guy thinks before posted stupid crap like that again.

 for some reason Trump is currently on the side of no Pebble mine.  so credit where credit is due...thank you. not sure what the motivation for that is but i'll take it.  can't say i trust him so not sure if something worse is coming or if he actually got something right. 

 there was a crazed Trumper screaming at the crew at Walmart in Anchorage of late, he didn't want to wear a mask and flipped out completely on them in a big rant.  they look like lunatics and they are.  Trump has brought out the worst in some folks.  i hope he watches that video later and sees what a nut job he was. not sure many are capable of seeing themselves for who they have really become though. i think it's funny that they keep screaming about covid being no big deal while trump gets tested daily and has anyone who is near him tested...no big deal, right.  nearly 200,000 dead now. 

 the CDC put out a stat that only 6% of those who died did not have any pre-existing conditions listed on their death certificates, of course the trump fools took this to mean that Covid death could is really only 6% of that which has been reported. i think that means that Covid killed over 11,000 folks that had no other health issues. 

 that is a lot actually.  most just don't get how death certificates work and also they believe the CDC numbers on the flu but not covid..seems odd to me but nothing makes sense these days. yes, it's no surprise that many who die from covid had other pre-existing conditions that covid took advantage of. that doesn't mean that they died of those conditions. the Covid virus preys on those who are already weak...that is how survival of the fittest works in general.  that doesn't mean that those peoples lives were not greatly shortened by the virus.

 common sense is all but dead though.

 science has been twisted and bastardized to suit the needs of the right wing propaganda machine.

 the ANWR situation is ongoing.  lawsuits pending.  trump is for opening this.  most of what he does is bad in my opinion...

 the oil companies are investing a lot of cash to prevent their taxes from increasing.  scare tactics about how jobs will be lost if they get taxed.  i'm thinking if they are working that hard it must be the right thing for us to vote for...tax them. they've gotten a pretty sweet ride for years.

 the dead fish of Deep Creek make for cool black and whites

 before i left Covid Cat was monitoring the situation.

 new trail repairs are going on...i'm always a fan of that. i guess they will put switchbacks up little O'malley as the current trail is a big muddy mess...always has been.  just gotten worse with increased traffic.  switchbacks should make it easier for older folks like myself to get up there.  when i was young i thought switchbacks were silly, i get it now.

 Falwell resigned...oh how the mighty and wealthy Christians fall.   i'm pretty sure people like him are exactly what the scriptures warn of and yet so many flock to these mega churches and give fools like this their last dime in hopes of getting to heaven. i do hope they are punished in the next life that much more for their trickery and abuse of those that buy into their con. 

 Putin poisoned another who opposed him.  that guy is in Germany getting treated.  Putin is a bad seed but he totally has our current potus wrapped around his fingers...what would those taxes should if released?  i guess Rosenstein put the stop to the investigation of financial connections between Trump and Putin....basically he told Mueller to pass that information on to the FBI and prevented the FBI from doing any investigation at all. i do hope someone has kept the information or that Mueller finally decides to speak out about all he knows but wasn't allowed to look into.  he's been silent...so many have, when will they finally put our nation about this con job in the white house.

 several of our homeless have tested positive for covid at a local shelter.  the covid deniers have said repeatedly, it's not hit the homeless which they say is proof it's not a real issue...of course, they always just change their line to fit the changing facts out there.  they will never believe no matter how many pesky facts come to light. they are the same about trump though. getting their information from the likes of fox, Qanon, 4 and 8 chan, alex jones...the list goes on and it's not very truthful.

 i don't really have any answers for the homelessness...it's a mess in every major city.  i guess the northway mall is closing...wouldn't that be easier than building a new facility.  an area could be for families, old stores could be used for health services, AA, NA, native services, social services, food, second hand clothing...just a thought.  i did sent the thought to the Mayors office.

 Biden would not have been my first choice. i'm generally not happy with our pics for government, but he is safe and dull...after the daily chaos of this administration i yearn for safe and dull.

 below is in Coopers Landing.

 another good stopping spot with the dogs. it takes longer and longer to get to Homer with all the stops i make along the way.

 still a few flowers out there.

 there were quite a few sandhill cranes out in Homer. love their calls

 i better eat, shower and hit the trails before work starts again.  enjoy your day.

thankful for A.  amazing co-workers B. any good news C. health enough to hike.