life as the black sheep...

 

the frustrating part of being the black sheep/scape goat is that others will never see it and will always wonder why you feel the way you feel.  there is nothing you can do about it really. as i am becoming more and more fond of saying, "it is what it is". somethings in life are just how they are and they will never change.  it's been seen by some and that will just have to bring me the peace and assurance that you tend to seek. 

why do i analyze all.  saw a quote the other day about how with religion people often just put off everything with a blanket statement of it all will be clear/fixed in the next life. i suppose that is probably a reasonable avoidance technique that has worked for thousands of years. people like me just feel obligated to do the work to figure it out this week.  that and my brain is constantly having an internal dialogue anyway.  it's just who i am.  i must analyze stuff. 

i had my trek to Homer. probably the last of the season since the darkness will be closing in more and more. it was another lovely trip.

the fireweed, as expected, was pretty much over.  there was some but not tons. as a replacement for that, the sandhill cranes were seen both evenings at sunset on bishops beach.  the first night i only had my phone. not the greatest photo's but i did get some decent shots. it was mostly just a beautiful experience both nights enjoying 60-70 cranes gathered at sunset. i posted in a homer group and the next night i met a lovely couple who are photographers that live in Homer and saw my post.  nice to meet people like this. fun to chat as we all enjoyed the cranes night two. i still need to look at photos from my bigger camera of the cranes. 

the tides were fairly low the two nights i was there. the first morning the tide zones were all churned up as it had blown hard for 3 days in the area.  so really tough to see anything.  i eventually took off and headed to the end of the spit to see what stars were out. 

the second day the tide pools were clear and though i didn't see any nudibranchs i saw some really colorful and cool chitons. 

there were a ton of motorcycles in town.  apparently there was a ride from key west to homer. so harleys all over.  i was chatting with one rider and joked that for a minute i thought i was back in South Dakota at the Sturgis bike rally.  another biker must have just overheard rally and suddenly he starts in on this is the real insurrection and not the fake one that so many poor people have falsely been sent to jail for....so weird.  i was pretty much stunned into silence as was his motorcycle buddy. i thought, man that was so weird...then laughed to myself. yes, they are weird. 

to be so triggered and so singularly focused on specific words that make you loose your crap and go off.  it's weird. after that i just avoided them all and assumed they were all trump nut jobs.

it was just a relaxing escape overall. 

have had a few walks with friends. on one walk we came up a hill and turned a corner and this guy above (sunny boy) was standing at attention between two horses!! i think that memory will be etched in my brain forever.  he wasn't barking, which i was really happy about.  i started to call, "here puppy" and run the other way to get him away from the horses.  once i had him on leash i let them know that he was controlled and apologized profusely. they were super nice about it.  some horse riders would have given me the business and i would have deserved it. 

so happy work switched my vacation days. so now i have one vacation day while CR is here so i will be able to sleep the night before our road trip.  it's all arranged. i have the dogs scheduled to get their health certificates for border crossings and got the oil changed in the car. 

the handy man came by and fixed the deck and wall.  such a lift to get those off the list.  this stuff just bothers you until it gets done. i showed the handyman the shed.  he has now given me a quote and hopefully will get that done in September now.  i cancelled the other guy who wasn't going to show up until late october.  i suspect he was a bit put off as he said they build all year despite snow.  i just really prefer to get it done and get all the stuff out of the yard before the snow fall. 

work this week.  no on calls.  worked peds and then pcu. it's so funny as there is another betsy that works pcu.  we both seem to be there every time i work there and it confuses the hell out of them all. strange to both of us as there is always like two lindsey's or sarahs and that is never an issue.  our last names both start with p so this unit clerk seems overwhelmed by it every time. 

also strange as she works in that unit so everyone expects her so i sit there waiting to get/give report while they look for someone who isn't me. there aren't a lot of betsy's out there.  still, so odd that it's so confusing to people. 

not a bad two nights. i have two more coming now. i do often think about how people that shouldn't be parents are parents.  so many are anti choice but they do not see the horrific lives so many kids of alcoholic/drug addicted parents must be forced to exist in. they often do not choose to not have kids and those kids do not always get taken away.  i always feel so badly for those kids. just such an added challenge to life for them.  we all have our issues from childhood to deal with but man, those are tough issues. especially, when both your parents have those issues. 

my old home town of Ketchikan had a major landslide the other day.  one life lost and a few injured.  buildings destroyed. it could have been much worse.  many homes built on hillsides so the place the slide happened could have been much worse.  still not stable. i guess the mountain tops got a huge drop of rain during that time. 

hopefully, things become more stable for them and there is no further damage/slides

had my uterus appointment. prolapse is not uncommon and so i'll get fitted for something to help hold things together.  i do like the new doc.  if this doesn't work then we move on to a surgery to hold stuff together. 

my next stretch off is coming up.  what to do?  fall colors are popping out up north so i will probably look and see what i can sort out for chasing the fall colors. not sure i'll do the full Denali Highway crossing or not. hmm. we shall see. 

two nights to go.  i have been able to get some of the added education stuff completed this past week.  they are always adding more.  i look at the jobs when i am at work. see if anything interests me.  none of it really does.  i'll have to show more interest the next time i do an interview.  bull shit is a required part of life some days. 

the crew is probably off the island at this point with the walrus.  i've been watching the baby walrus. she is so cute.  still not really on display.  hopefully, i can catch some glimpses before the weather changes. the camera was still up at round island last i checked. i need to make some new stickers and see if we can get a few donations for our group. 

don't think anyone has used the website to donate since my trial attempt. 

tourist season is winding down.  life is calming.  it is funny how i love summer and all the light but it can also be stressful.  you feel obligated to go and do.  as the light diminishes and the season ends i look forward to the calm of winter. it's peaceful and quite and calm.  

life with the dogs and cats is for sure my happy place. 

people do come and go in life.  it can be a little painful when people ghost you, but they are just moving forward and you are moving forward and those paths are no longer in sync.  enjoy the people who come and go and enjoy those who manage to stay with you. the choices i made decades ago meant that many who i knew back in a different life were going to fall away.  just as i find myself evaluating who stays and who goes, so do others. it's not really personal. at some point it's practical i think. 

i'm rambling again today.  that is actually a more accurate for how my brain works. constantly flipping to different topics. 

am i happy, am i not happy. overall, happy. there are moments and mostly, i just feel frustrated by certain situations and people. you can't change those so you have to let them go. but letting go is not always a complete and final event.  you backslide in the letting go some moments. not sure why i feel a need to prove myself to others who really could care less because they have already made their judgements of who i am and how i must feel. then my trying to prove them wrong just seems to fulfill their judgements. 

and that is the crazy that my brain has to deal with. lol

it's a bit windy out there. i still have to take my shower.  slow start to the day. the dogs will be happy out walking.  just hit the dog park the last two days.  the first day we ended up leaving because i'd worked the nights before and a dog stole ivy's tennis ball and so i could see she was frustrated not being able to get it back. the owner wasn't helping.  her running around being frustrated was getting sunny boy amp'd up and barking so that was making me nuts....so better to just leave.  the lady finally attempted to get the toy away but she had zero control over her dog. it's just a tennis ball so i'm all forget it, it's just a ball, we will just leave.  

need to do some cleaning this week.  guest coming.  we won't even really be here very much but still it's always a great reason to get some much needed cleaning done.  

find a job, find a job.  that is the latest thing ruminating.  i avoided it all summer and enjoyed the 2 day work week.  it is time to pay the piper though.  bills are always there.  used the credit a bit more than i like this summer so i need to work this winter and pay that debt back. mentally, it was totally worth it. i needed that break from the work.  with this many years i won't find a job that will pay what i get here as a nurse. best to keep the insurance and minimal hours here i think and find a second, less toxic job and find more of a balance.  won't need to take benefits out of that paycheck so it could balance out a bit. 

at this point. it's really just about having health insurance until i turn 65 and get on medicare. two nights has been so much more reasonable for me physically and mentally. 

night shift is still getting a bit rougher on the body in general i'm sure though. i'll keep looking at options until one day i just leap at either a different job or retirement. 

the dogs are hanging in here waiting for me to start the day. 

they are very patient.  what would i be without dogs. 

these are photos of Byron glacier area. 

there is a walk on powerline and portage as well .  musk ox from the conservation center.

haven't done too much this summer and then i have done stuff.  it always feels like i don't do much these last years.  it's just changed, what i do.  not the grand adventures of years past.  still there is just so much to see anytime you go out.  it's just a beautiful place. i do love it here. 

flowers.  most of the flowers are going away now.  the mushrooms are popping out as are fall colors. 

hopefully, i can escape this next stretch off and find some fall. it comes fast and leaves so soon. 

i haven't been to Denali yet this year. 

grateful for A. the cranes in the neighborhood and on  the beach in homer. such a sight. B. that sunny boy behaved with the horses on the trail. c. the people who want me in their lives and actively engage with me. 

avoidance....

 it's what I'm best at. these are from July.  nearly done with July pictures i think.

 these first ones are up at Powerline Pass.  we got a fair bit of rain as we returned from our walk. great walk with great friends though.  i do feel like i haven't done the big hikes this summer, but i have still gotten out a lot and had a lot of fun enjoying nature.  the pups, of course, could care less where we roam as long as we are out there.

 yesterday we had the Monday walk. i  did some errands and then took the dogs to the Conners Bog dog park. 

 i have done some leaf raking this morning and filled a bag with leaves. i realize the garden guys tell you to leave the leaves down...but apparently those garden guys do not have two dogs. leaves make it tough to see the dog poop and unless i want an even bigger mess next spring i will rake and pick up poop for as long as i can.  soon they will be frozen...no smell and easier to pick up. 

 friends say that we are expected to have a warmer winter this year, does that mean more ice or will it translate to more snow?  time will tell.  each winter seems to have it's own ways about it.  the ice that forms in different conditions is pretty amazing.  I've seen some crazy stuff out there.

 some memory photo's popped up with my girl Blossom in them.  looking back and can see how much she aged that last year.  perhaps the puppies made it tough to really see the difference.  often though, things do come on slowly and so those subtle changes can be hard to see at the time.  she was the sweetest girl.  i am so grateful to have been able to have her in my life for as long as i did. 

 Tusker and Ivy continue to work their way into my heart as well.  each dog that shares our lives have their own personalities.  i feel I've been pretty blessed with the dogs and cats that have shared my life.  i often think how lonely i would be if i did not have fur family in my life. they are just a constant in your life.  they give you something to care for and they share the day to day stress with you. 

 did get some dry wall down last night. I'm much slower than some would be and i do think it's funny how i will get comments about hiring it out....which really equates to you are female you maybe are too frail to do this yourself...get a man.  as i joked with my one friend, if i had a man, i would no doubt be happy to give over this task and would be willing to do a few things for him in exchange...haha..but since i don't i just carry on.  there is no reason a woman can't do these things...we may be physically more weak in some ways, but we do have a strength and stubbornness...at least i do.  so I'm trying to put it to good use.

 anything you conquer in life makes you stronger and builds your confidence.  i have moments where i feel overwhelmed and then i just stop and have a mini pity party...and then carry on. 

 pretty flowers by the roadside. 

 watched a movie that was made about the book written about the Guernsey Literary Society of the Potato Peel Pie.  it was a great book, a novel, which does follow some true events of sorts.  it was in a time when Germany occupied Guernsey. 

 it's an excellent book if you haven't read it.

 these are from a day hike down to the local beach in Kincaid.  always a great time

 the pups love getting muddy

 i think i will try to get some more dry wall off before i get the rest of the day started, want to be much further along by the time my handyman returns to get this project moving. 

 i start back for three nights of work.  we shall see what that brings.  madness.

 my tiles arrived.  it's 4 boxes. i still have no idea if i have bought too little or too many.  i will see if the handyman can check my calculations and give me an idea if we are doing okay or if i should order more.

 that is a bear down the beach from us.  it had just been on the trail where i came down with the dogs before headed to the waters edge and then heading back up towards the main trail above.

 so i didn't have any closer encounter than this.

 i did go down and checked out the footprints in the mud.  kinda cool

 yesterday as i headed home from my day it was rush hour and traffic had to stop as a large bull moose crossed Tudor and headed into the woods. i do love that wildlife free flow through our city. 

 not sure why he went to the waters edge, just to cool off i suppose.

 some flowers, these next pictures are at  Gold Mint trail. 

 July is always a great month so see loads of flowers on the trails.

 also bugs and bears though..so life has it's trade offs.

 i think i will be pretty excited to actually cook again once my kitchen is done...it doesn't feel like it now but it will get done eventually.

 missed the crane migration south this year.  really didn't see any.  the swans are coming through right now.  there have been several out at Potters of late.

 also watched "speak" the other day.  it's a really good movie about what happens after a rape i thought.  i like that it shows the girl getting her voice back, her power back.

 at the beaver pond. on the return trip we heard there was an agitated beaver swimming around so we just cruised past.

 the fireweed is now all done, here it is really just getting going.

 fireweed is how Alaskans gauge when summer is ending.

 columbines, always a favorite flower of summer.

 pups are in a smaller pond created by the beavers

 we went a ways back this day, it was lovely out.

 flowers everywhere. 

 saw a huge plane as i went moose spotting yesterday.  it was a cargo plane.  i guess it was the biggest until one that looks similar but is way larger was built.  the second one is called a beluga, which is funny since i had thought this one i saw parked out there on the tarmac looked like a beluga.  well named.  as i drove to the dog park i saw the big cargo plane take off over me. 

 was thinking about my seeming ability to be calm at certain times in life.  thinking perhaps it was obvious even when i was a small kid.  during the big Sylmar quake i think it was i remember just laying in bed watching this light fixture sway back and forth over my head.  i really didn't get scared until later with the aftershocks and i think because my Dad had shared with us this book that had photo's of all sorts of earthquake damage.  i just had no idea that the shaking i had felt could turn into something to devastating.  in retrospect, perhaps the book was not the best idea for a 6 year old. haha.

 i remember as well in college sitting in the back seat of a car and quietly saying, "we are going to crash" over and over before we did.  they didn't really get what i was saying until it was too late to prevent the crash.  they suggested i be louder about it the next time. 

 it's just strange how people react so differently to situations.  have i become calm because I've worked as a nurse in critical care or am i working as a nurse in critical care because i tend to be calm in these situations.  is this something that has developed over time after having done this job and been in so many situations of crisis.  i don't think I'll ever know.

 a few posed pictures of the puppies.  they are pretty good at these posed pictures as long as i have the tennis ball...also i tend to only have a few seconds for them to maintain the pose, so i have to be quick

 better get a little demo done and then toss the tennis ball for the pups some more. 

thankful for: A. sleep  B.  laughter C. art