you are being ridiculous...my new mantra

 

followed by you are doing good.  repeat. 

i really don't think i realized how the overall stress and anxiety really were impacting me.  it creeps up on you. i get knots in my neck/shoulders and under my scapula. this can lead to headaches.  i was having more and just taking more excedrin than usual and ibuprofen.  looking back, i think i have caused a bit of gastritis. i had gastritis once before in the late 90's. it can lead to some ectopy on it's own. add stress and an older heart...possible. that time it was the gall bladder. 

so i am happily belching now. taking prilosec or pepcid in the mornings, taking some tums/pepto and all that. i am also using my new shoulder rubbing machine often. that helps with one area. 

as far as anxiety...haven't needed any medication for a few days now. i am just more aware of it all. i'm taking the magnesium.  i was taking the multivitamin at the same time and getting nauseated...now i've figured out that it's the multivitamin that does that. not sure if the magnesium is helping, probably a combination of several things. trying to be better at getting back to what i did better before. 

looking back, i had been getting out of bed later and later.  some of the anxiety seemed to be building as i was preparing to leave the house and again if i was staying out too long. i just wanted to be home more and more...a bit of the agoraphobia i guess. now i'm just trying to be more aware of the time and have a schedule to get myself motivated and out of the house. have walked every day.  had some wild heartburn but that has been better the last few days. knowing more about what is happening at least decreased the anxiety load. 

i worked one night and between anxiety and back ache, i opted to just take care of me and call out for 3 nights. i felt like i needed it to get me on a more healthy life schedule.  i'm doing more meditation and stretches/exercises. so i did work another night at the end of my stretch and it went better. 

i could barely sleep the night before the cardiologist appointment.  the doctor is great.  i think it was nice for him to see a patient that walks every day instead of smokes every day. haha. as i left he said, "you are probably the healthiest patient i will see all week". he wasn't overly concerned about the ectopy. labs, ekg, heart all normal. wants to do an echo to rule out underlying heart issues like cardiomyopathy.  i'm also scheduled for a CA CT where they score the calcium in your vessels i think...so hopefully those will turn out to be okay.  that is what is left. 

when i was unable to sleep that night though i did experience an overwhelming sense of peace and calm. felt like everything is going to be okay.  i always figure this is possibly comfort from loved ones or loved pets who have crossed over.  others would attribute this to God.  quite frankly, i'm pretty over that. i find that this God gets all the credit for anything good and no blame for anything bad.  so many excuses. i really just don't get the God answers silly prayer requests but ignores most desperate pleas. mothers with dying children. people in horrific war zones. i feel much more comforted thinking comfort like this comes from a place of love. 

we were taught we had the answers.  only we did. even though it can be scary not knowing the answers to the big next life questions...i find it comforting in a way....accepting that we don't know, we can't know. i just really don't think we have to be theologians or have access to theologians.  anytime you put others in charge of your beliefs you put yourself at great risk. better to not know than to think you do know. i know people find comfort in their organized religious beliefs but too often i see that their comfort is less comforting than they realize.  that "comfort" comes with judgement and rules and strange habits and even odd clothing.  why should a religion demand earthy money to prove eternal worth? i think there are better ways to prove you are a decent person. 

there are also plenty of decent people who have never attended any church, believe in no specific religion.  there are many out there who go to a church or are part of an organized religion but are truly terrible people. be careful who you follow...and where they lead. 

i'm wearing my fit bit again and paying more attention to all that it offers. 

i do think there is some global anxiety/depression out there. we all need to take extra good care of ourselves. 

i still think much of this is coming from a place of healing. that my body is releasing the stress of the pandemic and trump years.  hoping we do not have to repeat either of those things...

the dogs and cats are giving me regular snuggle sessions. part of my anxiety therapy for sure. 

so feeling much better overall. 

death is random. being immersed in it has caused me to focus too much on it.  covid forced us all to deal with death on a level we weren't prepared for. as health care workers you find ways to deal with loss and the pain of watching others pass and their loved ones have to deal with their own losses. the pandemic just made it impossible for us to keep up with the loss and pain and suffering i suspect. the weight of it suffocates us until we can find a way to release it. 

there is far more for me to be grateful for. i'm also trying to rediscover play.  everything just got far too serious for many of us over these past few years. we need to find ways to immerse our tires souls into fun, laughter, joy, play. making snow angels this week, freezing ice, meeting up with friends.  talking texting. laughing.  all things that make you happy...bring them on. we have been deprived too long. 

i did go look for the white raven.  took a bit but i found her. i only had my phone camera with me so i got pretty lousy shots. perhaps i'll try again with the big camera one of these days....nothing like the bigger cameras i saw out there. there are some good shots.  one of my favorites is of her with a slice of pizza.  ravens are kind of trash eaters.  so i found the photo very ironic as she is so popular globally at this point. i had gone walking with friends and coffee after, like a normal Monday walk.  i did cut my white raven outing short as i felt the anxiety and heartburn coming on strong. 

so happy to feel like i'm getting more empowered and more hopeful again. taking control is always a good thing towards healing. i signed up with a therapist for this next week which is something i've never done but probably should have done decades ago.  my parents would have if it was a different time. by the time i was 10 or 11 i was leaving notes for my mom in a teddy bear that had a pocket...i was saying things like i know you don't love me or that i know you love the other kids more...things like that i think.  my mom would just come in and tell me she loved me. 

when you have a lot of kids...it's hard to keep it up..the excitement over the little things that are exciting for you with the first kid or the second kid.  by 7 or more kids....it's routine. i try to caution those with large families to not forget those younger ones.  there is also this assumption that as the youngest you are spoiled....it doesn't always work that way. they can love you but just not give you what you need. maybe i was just a kid that needed more or something different.  who knows. i felt alone a lot as a kid though.  

still there were many fun and happy memories.  you still have several siblings.  my brother and i fought as kids but we were also the closest in age so we spent hours, the 3 youngest, exploring the world we walked in together. we watched tv too but in those days there wasn't as much to entertain us.  we had to create our own. we made a tape with songs we had made up.  it got lost but we had stuffed cats and we made up a song about our stuffed cats. tim and Jim cat, the one with operations, fuzzy...that was mine. can't remember it

we played tons of board games.  if my one brother was losing he would flip the board.  he'd then accuse us of ganging up on him.  we denied it but kids are brats we probably were. we played lots of solitaire, card games, walked on the beach for hours looking for shells.  hit the tennis ball against the grocery store wall. 

there was only 10 years between oldest and youngest but i have less memories of the kids at the top of the pack. not sure why it was so divided and so different.  we just have very different experiences growing up.  my sister and i shared a room but i don't remember us doing much together. cards probably the most universally done thing together. 

the brother right above would literally bang his head into his headboard at night. we were just kids trying to figure out life with not that much direction. for sure the experience made me pretty independent. i'm a fighter for sure. you learn from what you experience. they say your first half of life you get the stuff that you spend the next half of your life recovering from. haha.  it wasn't bad overall, could have been much worse. i see that all the time.  my life was cake compared to what many kids deal with. we still all get some scars.  our parents were all just doing what they could with what they were given as they attempted to sort out their own scars. 

kids that had issues.  we just had to move through them.  

mostly we all turn out pretty good. look at this happy crew below. there are no perfect childhoods.  none of us get everything in life. there are always trade offs. poor but with love, rich but alone....you can't have it all, so stop striving for all and enjoy what you get.  deal with the bad stuff as it comes up and enjoy the hell out of the good stuff.  there is far more good stuff than bad...thus my mantra.  you are being ridiculous, you are doing good. 

the mantra has been helping me push back those symptoms of anxiety this week. 

another thing i'm working on is getting better sleep.  

i've requested to go down to 2 shifts a week. that should help a lot.  eventually explore other job options that are less stressful and then just retire from this job and take it more easy for these next few years before i fully retire. i pulled that request trigger after i worked the one night at the beginning.  felt right. 

so much out there to explore. hoping for many more adventures

gotta pack tomorrow for an overnight out at manitoba yurts this sunday. 

take care of yourselves and those around you.  we all need each other more than we realize. 

thankful for A. feeling that comfort of peace and positive energy. B. coming into a better place C. the beauty that brings us renewed energy.  

work again....

 

looking back on this week off i see that i didn't need any tums or anti-anxiety medications.  very telling about how stressful work can be for the staff and myself of course. all good things must come to an end though.  i suspect when i do retire there will be a transition back down from the stress we all feel. i only have two nights of work and then i have another stretch off.  my next stretch will include some fun events so fun stuff to look forward to. 

will check weather but hoping i can maybe do a road trip with my brother as well as the whale watch cruise. 

i was more tired than i realized after my trip south. these things just take more out of us.  i hadn't traveled on a plane for a bit and that is always anxiety inducing. we do not recover as quickly as we age as when we did when we were young. it's the truth.  happy to have each day of this life. i wandered around close to home. walked the dogs every day and relaxed a lot. binge watching tv and reading a bit. playing games/solitaire. all of these are relaxing for me. 

the lady who plans this clearly is the same who used to work out on Round Island as a ranger.  she lives in Talkeetna. these are from a trip last year to Talkeetna and then across the Denali Highway. 

i may do a repeat of this with my brother if i can get the rooms

i watched a series about death and possible life after death theme. can't recall the name of the series, sorry. each one focused on something different. the best, imho, were the ones on near death/death experiences, reincarnation and visions before death

one does not have to believe in a God to believe in an after life or spirit world. i feel as a nurse i have been around death a lot and have felt like i could see the light that is a "soul" in the eyes and have seen it come and go. i think there can be insight and messages of sorts from beyond. 

ghosts/spirits....i think they can cross in and out of this world as they desire. that doesn't mean that have any sort of absolute power or can change things/outcomes really.  who knows. i suspect things would be much better for many if they could. we are in charge of our own experience. we make our own choices and sometimes the world/other humans impact our choices for the good and bad. 

room 16 in the ICU has always been a room i've had the feeling of not being alone. i recall one night i'd go in the room to care for my vented patient. i could hear steady breathing behind me.  enough that i kept turning around to look for who had entered the room.  nobody there each time.  was spirit with me.  i can't know but there is enough of that. sometimes, nurses will ask for someone to come cleanse a room...and i don't mean housekeeping. i mean chaplains/priests. 

i had experiences with both my parents deaths that were unusual. with my Mom, a surprise party was being planned.  i spoke to her a few weeks before her death and i just got the strong sense that she was not going to make it to the surprise party that was planned. i recall a few days later driving and saying a little prayer.  when i spoke i said. i love my Mom and i'd love to see her again, but if it meant her lingering and suffering, i was okay with her passing before the visit. she did pass before this party was held. i was at peace with her death because i felt like i knew it was coming and that she was at peace with it.  i think part of that was just that i've been around a lot of deaths and the words she spoke to me in the conversation made me see that she was done being here and mentally ready to move to the next realm, whatever that was. 

with my Dad. the day he passed i had worked the night before and i was sleeping when he passed. he coded.  i woke at the time he would have been passing and i had this strong sense of someone coding. i figured it was related to the patient i was caring for in the ICU.  i actually got out of bed and began going over ACLS, then the call came that my Dad had passed. 

i woke another time between shifts and i had had a dream where my patients heart rate rapidly began to slow and then stop. i called work to check on the patient. as i was checking on the patient, the nurse had to hang up because the patients heart had begun to rapidly slow. strange i know.  these are the things that happen in hospitals though. 

the show about near death and death experiences.  they can't really find any definitive causes but the experiences reported have many similarities. 

leaving the church often comes with a threat of families being separated. the church holds families hostage a bit with this promise of eternal family but with a threat of losing those connections if you leave the church. these near death experiences and visitations while people are in the process of dying seems to potentially disprove this. the people with these experiences are not necessarily mormon but they do see their loved ones.  trick of the brain or visits from beyond. seems to refute the mormon line that these connections are only based on membership in the church. 

many in hospice care and who are on the verge of dying will report having visits from relatives, who have passed. these visits generally seem to comfort them that there are loved ones waiting on the other side. 

no big treks on this stretch off. 

i pondered road trips. but i think rain, cost of gas + housing.  mostly, just  a desire to be home and be surrounded by those comforts of home. 

this was my little cabin in Talkeetna.

i think this was from the cabin at Bird Creek campground.

sunsets from our walks at Birdcreek

my friend is under the Ivy, who was determined to give some love.  she is very loving puppy.

this guy was right by the road one day. they do that more in at certain times of year i think. 

the boy has really grown.  thinking i need to schedule him for an actual grooming.  maybe i'll take some bacon for the groomer to use. 

it is becoming my go to grooming tool. 

here you can see my friend getting unwanted love from Ivy. 

the family

watching a overly dramatic series now. Virgin River.  Netflix is now the liberal Hallmark.  happy endings with drama set up. new person comes to town with no intention to find love. the netflix version has more violence and drama and sex but it's really just Hallmark on steroids.  

this series has more drama in one "day" in the life of these people than is humanly possible. based on this small town...but of course, there is a huge illegal pot/drug production going on close by which makes the seemingly safe town totally dangerous. medical issues, pregnancies, violence. everything happens daily.  it's a bit too crazy. also funny that these people are constantly on their phones getting bad news...texting the way people talk but i guess with all the illegal activity going on and the anger issues leaving things in text would probably be bad idea. 

i am officially sucked in but now i laugh as after every happy moment there is the predictable phone call that rains down mayhem and drama.  i lived in LA and don't think i knew of people i knew getting shot and stabbed and threatened with such regularity.  these people should just move away from this crime infested small town. who gets shot next or stabbed or had cancer or an unwanted pregnancy next. casual phone calls to assist with dead bodies. law suits.  it's exhausting, these peoples fictitious lives. 

my happy times are just chilling with these animals between shifts or in the case of the past week, just chilling with out work. 

have avoided news sources as well.  it's always good to take a mental break from it all. 

did have some nice walks with friends. the bear sightings.  there was a bear on my block yesterday reported as i was getting ready to head out to meet a friend for a walk. i used some extra precautions getting outside with the dogs.  all was fine. no spottings.  

winter comes and i will welcome it.  less pressure to go, go, go and the bears and bugs will disappear and a peace will come

the battle. 

the sweetness

i better get these dogs out before the shift starts. i did make it to the tile store. got an estimate for tile that looks like wood. not as spendy as i feared..now wait for the estimate on the install. 

thankful for A. time off to do nothing much B. the company of furs. C. brainless days of peace.