babbling because that is my brain

 

It's grey out there right now. I'll head out for a walk in a bit, but delay for a bit. The dogs don't really care when, just that we go. 

We warmed up a bit, 20's-low 30's F. so ice hearts were on hold. melting fast. the temps are cooler, but the days are longer so the hearts start to melt by the afternoon.

still great for photo ops. brightens up the winter days.

this stretch off has been dedicated to Olympic watching. it started with some coverage of the fools from DC with their ICE thugs. there were protests in Italy. thank you. now it's mostly just Olympic coverage. the orange fool trashes any athlete that even hints at being kind to neighbors or speaking out about what is happening. he's the biggest wimp. the males around him are also wimpy and subservient to him, which is ironic since these same men want women to be subservient. they don't see how it looks on them. i have no intention of being subservient. 

there are claims that they have pulled back in Minnesota on their ICE activities. mostly, it appears they have just changed some tactics. for people who want to bypass laws to export people they are now working hard to create more and more concentration camps. they drop people out of detention in the middle of the night at times without their phones or warm clothing. a group works to collect them. there are people looking into woods as well since these asses have been known to drop people out there.

i have backed away more and more from any of his supporters. it's just hard to respect the views that are so destructive and cruel. a guy at work started to talk about how Pretti somehow deserved what he got. i just said, that is just an argument here so i'm walking away.

between covid and the orange fools shenanigans i have backed way off of many in my life.   there was also the cruel and hateful message for me. it was just one of those eye opening moments in life. a very specific apology was fine but it spoke truths. once i left the church, the worse would be assumed of me. no matter who i became i would always be seen as less. after years of killing myself trying to prove my worth,i accepted that my worth is never going to be proven because i simply have no worth after leaving. there are certain things in life where people can apologize but really, they have demonstrated who they really are. you should never allow them back in.

the "forgiveness" is going to be more for your sanity than for any sort of rebuilding.the old forgive and forget is really something pushed by those who need you to forgive and forget so they can keep repeating the bad behaviour. it puts it on the wronged to be the better person over and over, while allowing the one who puts out the negative to just move on. you can't make yourself suffer long so you have to just let it go to a degree but then put up boundaries and make decisions about how much contact you will allow. 

some rough days in these past years but i am grateful because i feel like i'm not in a more happy and peaceful place. 

just need to start planning for this coming summer. road trips mostly. my work weekends fall mostly on the good low tides. may need to expand my vacation ideas.  we shall see. i do enjoy Homer with the dogs.

bear in the  bear tree this last summer

lost this whole litter. fear i'm getting a reputation as a kitten killer.i hope not. no new kittens for a bit. 

fur rondy and iditorod are coming up. break up comes pretty fast after that. the light is lasting longer each day.

mom was ill and babys underweight.

i am getting better prepared and learning more and more about attempting to help these tiny kittens. reading a book about fostering kittens. 

have been enjoying the kitten time despite my failings.  i will always remember Poppers. the things i should have had.  mostly, just being more confident in my gut feelings about their issues.

still want to spend some time in Yakutat. repeats of other places always good too. things different every time you visit a place

things change here so fast you could visit the same place different weeks and the change would be dramatic.

the Epstein/trump files are showing more and more depravity. our rouge leaders are doing all they can to hide and lie about what may be in there.nothing to see here...look at the dow. it would be more ridiculous if there wasn't a percentage of the population who can't be bothered to actually research anything and simply accept what these idiots tell them.

on the plus side, even though our country is refusing to do anything about these pedophile/possible murderers, the rest of the world is starting to step up and do their own investigations.  

justice moves frustratingly slow but you have to have some faith and hope that many will eventually have to pay a price for their behavior and association. in other nations some have lost positions. 

my sweet puppies!

many of these are from a drive to Valdez. always a great road trip

often with a stop at Matanuska Glacier. never get bored of these views.

most of my walks have been in N biv and at the dog park.  a few beach treks though. 

during the warm spell the roads to Manitoba got to be slush/ponds and glare ice. in the end, i opted out of the Manitoba night.  i'm not the best winter road driver. i mean, i have done some scary drives very safely, but it's very anxiety inducing.  you have to decide if the overnight is worth the anxiety and the risk. really just wasn't. i was watching the road conditions and getting myself more and more worked up.semi's were chaining up.if you drive safe and slow, it frustrates other drivers and they can do stupid things. if you don't go for it, you can be viewed as a wimp.  it's like a no win. why can't you drive on bad roads vs why are you driving on bad roads if you aren't skilled enough. in truth, i have driven many hazards and done well. it's honestly, more the anxiety than the skill.

work.  haven't had to work icu or csu lately despite being told it wouldn't be taken off my list. they haven't really set up for me to orient other places. i just work 2 shifts/week.  tried to just alter my attitude. it's just for the insurance. have done a lot of hold days, which is fine.  also pulled a pcu shift with the 5 patients. not a safe staffing ratio. i think i feel like i have told them i don't feel like my skills are at optimal in csu/icu so in my mind, that is documented. it gives me a cushion really. unless you work icu continuously it can be tough to keep up those skills 

forget me not. love these beautiful little flowers.

how Sunny Boy often sleeps in the car at the end of a long drive. doesn't look that comfy but it's what he does.

this below is the top of Thompson Pass.

these dogs have a pretty good life. Ivy Rose turns 10 this week. crazy. i have made an appointment for a swim day Sunday.she always loves that.  her knee has been pretty sore. the one that didn't have surgery i think. 

have been a bit of a hermit of late. it's all overwhelming at times. our government madness and those that support this. it really just makes it tough to get motivated. it's just always there, wearing you down.  something you can't control.  

i will hop in shower after this and get out with the dogs. supposed to snow today. a few flakes have come down. head back to work in a few days. 

my patients seem to appreciate me overall and most of my co-workers as well. the joy of holds is often the annoying patients get rooms and leave. was happy with one very entitled guy who got a room last week. whew! would have been a long night with him. just complaining from the moment i arrived.

was thinking today, watching Olympics, that making the people of different nations not like each other is harder and harder. social media, more access to travel and information.  people have mixed and mingled, married, had kids. those kids are now choosing which nation to do their sport in. previously, you just had no idea who those people were in other nations.  it's just harder to trash others now. unless, of course,  you have put yourself in a bubble.even those people are usually introduced to various people from different walks of life. there are less people who have never met someone a different hue than them or a different sexuality or religion or culture. to still be hateful, takes more work now i think...which is maybe why those that remain hate filled are super hate filled.it takes work and dedication at this point.

this is Valdez as well. so beautiful. 

love the art in the various communities.

Miss Breezy Chatterbug. thin but seems to be doing well. active and happy.

flowers in Valdez near the old community site.a nice place to walk i find

our new favorite place to stay. this cabin in the campground.

also love walking the pipeline to/from Valdez. often loads of wildflowers out there, if you hit it right.

the dogs and i love many breaks on a long drive, and that drive is a long drive.

great views

below is sheep mountains, almost home

out of order, but below is part of the old Valdez community.

sweet sleeping Covid Cat

grateful for: A. peace B. all the adventures,big and small C. the olympics and all the nations coming together to play sports and compete in peace.

another trip to Homer in the works

 

wasn't planning on it. so easy though. i've been seeing lots of good fireweed photos. i may be too late to catch the good fireweed but it's a low tide so why not. so that will be mon/tues i think. 

also have much of the trip to Haines locked down. gotta check on our second night in Tok. the email just showed the one night. as i was looking through stuff i realized that CR and i will be in Tok on Sept 11...the last time that happened was right at Sept 11, 2001. though now that i think of it we stayed there Sept 12 since we spent Sept 11 in Whitehorse. still kind of strange to think about. 

my last stretch off we did get a sunny day so i had booked the train.  did not make it all the way to Grandview as there was too much oil on the tracks and despite several efforts and sand, we were having a difficult time getting up the hill. so they brought us back down to Spencer and i did a speed walking trek to the glacier lake front.  beautiful day.

lots of walks in the rain.  Abbott Loop trail once again has a big pond.  it was nearly gone the last time we went.  lots of dog park action.  i keep doing my usual mushroom hunts.  the mushrooms do enjoy the rain.  the lake had a small oil containment issue with the raised water levels from all the rain. it's over by the other parking lot so i have just avoided that and the lake. in the end it was like 10 gallons.  i think it also is related to construction work. 

i braved North Bivouac. there's been a moose kill closer to Campbell Airstrip on the opposite side of trail the sign came down...which really just means the large bear is nearly finished with that meal and will be looking for another soon. i do not want to meet up with a bear large enough to take out a moose.  ran into a guy i've seen on those trails for years.  he said a friend had seen the grizzly and guessed it at nearly 1000 pounds. i walked much faster back to the car. 

the sandhill crane family has been hanging out in the neighborhood.  almost daily sightings.  they are so fun to watch. the dogs enjoy watching them as well. 

woke up early one morning.  i suspect there may have been some disturbance in the house.  i opted to use the restroom and what i found was shocking and disturbing. a dead ermine.  it's in the weasel family and about maybe half the size of a ferret. big really...big for my cat to drag in.  not the best smelling creature either. luckily the scent was contained to the bathroom.  wee morning cleaning and vent helped. 

this week work i got an on call one night and never got called in. got put as overstaff by 0300.  the next night was in the adult icu. not bad but just steady.  off to MRI with one patient early, transfer out right before shift change. 

the week before i did a  night in PICU and a night in PCU.  picu was a lot of patient shifting as they got a few admissions. i've been trying to avoid the sickest kids.  they seem to be good with that.  

pcu i started with 2 patients, which meant i'd get 2 more.  i got busy making sure i was in a good place so i wouldn't be behind all night. the other nurse had the split assignment.  so she came and went as she had patients down the other end of the hall. she liked to tell stories and honestly, they were kind of long and i just didn't really have time to not do anything but listen to her.  she spent much of her time on the other side. i just figured they were her busier patients. 

at some point she came back over and started saying things like "i'm getting a vibe" and "i dont want to be that person".  i felt bad for half a second.  later, i realized that she just really wants to talk and talk and doesn't really want to listen anyway....so i probably was giving her a vibe. 

found out last night they hired a fairly new nurse to the job i interviewed for. i'm sure he is much more willing to do extra shifts.  i was annoyed this morning for a minute. i still use my mantra, "you are being ridiculous" to just let shit go because in general i am being ridiculous. my brain can create silly scenarios if i allow it. you win some you lose some...or it is what it is. that is how life is. it wasn't really the job for me.  in the end. it would probably have been a pay cut without union protections. 

my plan is to start looking for  secondary job some place less stressful to add some cash in and just change it up.  will anyone hire me? who knows. it won't be the same pay....which is why probably good to hang with these two shifts/week. benefits, the schedule i want generally, good pay. 

when you don't change your situation, you can always change your vantage point. 

these are a variety of photos from this summer. Valdez, the boat trip. walks with the dogs. 

i'll crash soon with some snacks.  getting hungry.  ate early. 

loved the many wildflowers.  still some out there, not as much, quickly turning to fall up here. 

you have to get out there and enjoy every moment of summer since it all changes so fast. 

of course, i also find i feel more relaxed as the darkness and cold return, knowing i can chill more and not feel guilty.  

the handyman stopped by this morning to do measurements. hopefully, he can get the deck/siding done this weekend. 

i'll try and do a few day trips and then get ready for Homer 

the olympics finished. so we are done with that for a bit.  winter ones will be next. 

doing a bit more rock painting.  it does relax me.  good to try and get off scroll mode and do some of those things that always make me happy

life has a way of sorting itself out. 

last week i did manage to get through this box of papers. amazing how rapidly paper piles can build up.  got some shredding to do.  i love shredding. 

it was sunny yesterday so i had to get the lawn mowed before it got too out of control  that will start to slow down again soon.  will winter come before the shed can get rebuilt? 

the pipe line above and lions head below.  the pipeline can be a great place to take a break and walk the dogs. wide open for walking and tennis ball tossing. 

fireweed

guess it's time for snacks and bed. 

grateful for a. coworkers that don't find me to have a vibe.  b. tennis balls, my hip pain is helped by sitting on them. my ass needs a massage! c.  these cute sandhill cranes chilling in the neighborhood. also loving the baby walrus at the Sealife Center. not on display yet. fingers crossed i get to see her