in my 60's now....crazy

 

seems like my entries are more on the monthly basis. i think that is a reflection of a calmer brain. much less craziness. growth, maturity. who knows. some days i keep fairly busy and other days i get less done. i try to just allow my brain/body to guide me. 

this month i did get to Denali National Park and back down to Homer for my Birthday week. both trips went well  and i had great views and the dogs and i were all exhausted after.  Denali, the big mountain made a showing. in Homer, i found a new spot on the spit to explore during a nice low tide. 

i'd heard that there were sand dollars there.  i had nice -5.2 low tides. i spent the first morning at Bishops Beach and the second morning at the new spot behind the pier one theater on the spit. not disappointed either day.  there were thousands of sand dollars, especially once you got into the more sandy section below the tide zone. picked up a few shells as well. i have bleached those and put the nicest ones in the coffee table.

other finds, a nudibranch, stars, cucumber. always fun. weather was supposed to rain the whole time but really it was great.

my only complaint was that the hotel in Homer had tv set again to revert to faux news. i mentioned it again and they seem to be attempted to fix this. it used to revert to music. i like to leave the tv on when i fall asleep. the noise muffles any sounds outside the room which may make Sunny or Ivy bark. i tend to leave it on a station that plays friends or big bang or some other inane tv program. wake up to faux though, ick. they do actually seem concerned and baffled why it is doing this. 

my hotel in Healy called on my full day there and asked if  i was  staying, saying that when they went to clean the room was empty. odd as i was in the room taking a rest between drives into Denali and all my stuff was there. happy i was there when i got that call or i may have been very anxious about it. 

there are stars at the end of the spit but less than previous years and you really need a good low tide to see them.  

did not see any big animals in Denali, at least not close up.  there were loads of ptarmigan that the dogs wanted to chase. maybe the fact that they were still changing colors they were easy to spot. the road was open to mile 30 for all. 

that is always a fun time to go and you never know what you will see. still pretty and the big mountain was out. the drive out and back is long but we had a good time.  i always make lots of stops. 

now i have an overnight with friends at Dolly Varden cabin for June and also just booked that cute cabin at the KOA for June. no great low tides the rest of the summer anywhere it seems. was looking at Yakutat. maybe just find a low tide in general. it's been on the explore this place list for awhile. 

the painting on the shed is nearly done.  i painted it non-mellow yellow with brown trim.  still have a little trim to complete. painted some birds and birdhouses on there. 

got the railing on the back deck repaired and he will come back and put some sort of awning up over the back door and repair that wall where water and dogs damaged it. i also want to get sand and pavers in the area next to the shed and perhaps a planter on the other side. 

this keyboard is sticky, kind of annoying.

i have planted some flowers, which always perks up the place. 

look at the pretty sun star!

i also had a company come out to look at replacing upstairs windows. way too spendy for me. he mentioned a 40 year warranty. laughed as at 60, a 40 year warranty feels like overkill. i'll be dead. it's not that you are planning your death but you do realize that some things are really not going to matter. 

i think dropping eternity from your constant thoughts also makes some things matter less. 

i always thought the idea of my dead relatives or God watching my every move was strange. i mean how would they know when to look away or do they view every odd human thing i do. taking a shit, having sex....so many things in life we really don't want any other humans to see let alone those in the afterlife. 

my Birthday is always an awkward thing. i mean i want and crave the attention and acknowledgement while also being very uncomfortable with any attention. in the end this year, i had a few lovely meals out with friends and took a beautiful drive back from Homer after a perfect day in the tide pools. i hung out with my dogs that day. 

a friend called while i was on a stop to stretch with the dogs. of course, i dropped the chuck it out there i suspect. it was gone.  i walked back but never ran across it. tried to find a new short chuck it in town and then ordered one online. hopefully it's the right one. 

it is funny that Ivy loses tennis balls constantly, hundreds really. i lose one chuck it though and that is a disaster for us. 

in between trips i've mostly walked at the dog park or Campbell airstrip. 

the dogs are happy with this. i have walked Sunny on leash at the airstrip since the bears area out and the moose are popping out babies all over the place. he actually does great on leash and it's just me that needs to adjust to having a dog on leash. will meet friends in a bit for a walk today. 

this guy is real pretty too

i'm a fan of big clouds and sunsets

i return to work tomorrow night. i took this week off to enjoy my Birthday.  i have always tried to avoid my Birthday being at work. i do recall one Birthday at work. had to call a code strong as my patient flipped out. i was dropping a foley cath when my coworkers stood at the doorway singing happy birthday. nurses and medical folks in general develop a very twisted sense of humor. love my co-workers.

the trees are all green again. i love that fresh and beautiful pop of green.

now the flowers are coming out. this place is just a constant barrage of change.

love all the drama. i don't like drama in day-to-day life but i love it in nature

beautiful sunset in Homer at Bishops Beach. there are horses in the horse paddocks now. tours being given. 

i should have asked if they had any tours for low tide, because the next day the horses were in the paddock while we were on the beach. that night a woman was on a horse and Sunny kept barking.  he seems better with just the horses. not the horses with riders.

these boots were added to the mix of planters as you can see the big cracks. i do wear these a lot up here in the summers. guess Ketchikan has had loads of rain this past month. over 20+ inches in May alone. 

more of the greens

our nation remains a mess. love that a reporter called the idiot out. apparently, he's being called taco over these tariffs. he's so thin skinned, as are his followers so this has really upset them so of course, it's going wild. so many great memes. taco stands for trump always chickens out. perfect. so that has become his new name...among so many others. 

they have to crash and burn on their own. we have to mostly just sit back and allow the final meltdown of these idiots.  sadly, this is going to cause suffering in many. i just hope that once their extinction burst is over things can be made better for everyone. all the things they have fought against will be codified as rights. healthcare situation will improve as will workers' rights, gay rights, women's rights, education, racial inequalities...there is much wrong with this place. believe me no God will fix any of it. 

praying hasn't shown to work to fix actual issues in any society. that requires laws. 

this is the new spot for tide pooling

a little double rainbow action. I'm seeing some sunshine out there right now. hopefully a good walk 

i have a few things on my to do list. a few appointments to make. i tend to group those and tackle those at one time. i'm starting to think my anxiety is also wrapped up in some adhd. wasn't something we were aware of when i was younger. just ordered a book to do more research. claims to help you get your life more organized and productive, which would be helpful.

should eat something before i head out. just snacks

Sunny may be on leash for the walk. my knee has been a wee bit sore. suspect all that slipping around in the low tide zone. i did one slow backwards fall.  caught myself and was just in a bridge position. 

there was still some ice on lakes when i headed north last month. sure, that is all gone

love those trails in Talkeetna for a break in driving 

may add a night in Tok after Valdez, take a drive to Chicken?  it's been a while since i've done that drive.

grateful for A. another year on this beautiful planet B. pretty good health for my age C. the people and pets that make my life more full.  

return to good canine health...

 the canine units seem to be back to their old selves...which is great.  nice to be able to stop cooking non-stop for them.  great to see them perky and wagging again as well.

 i had taken them for a nice gasline/powerline/tank and beyond hike...that evening Tusker looked really wiped out.  was off his feed.  in retrospect i probably did too much.  i have a reputation for over hiking friends...could be i did the same with the canines that day. 

 they really aren't very good at regulating themselves.  the next day Tusker did seem to balk at getting the collar on and hitting the trails.  he did seem interested in playing in yard so that was all we did that day....and the next two days actually.  for me to skip walks for 3 days in one week is really odd. even if I'm sick i rarely take a day off of walking. 

 i worked the next three nights anyway...after my first night my body decided to wake up super early so i actually spent much of that day between shifts hoping and attempting to return to sleep.  aside from a few quick cat naps i was unsuccessful. the next day i slept hard, making up for the lack of sleep.

 this week i worked PCU-ER-CICU.

 got back to back admits in the PCU and then helped take turns with a difficult patient.  we have to do that sometimes with some folks. they are just such a pain in the ass that you get frustrated answering their call light over and over and never getting anywhere. in those cases, if you have good co-workers, you take turns so nobody gets too frustrated.

 the patient was weepy and then angry....throwing crap, trying to get out of bed.  my third night i had another one of those pain in the ass patients.  she was mean to everyone, made everything difficult.  i guess she has been hitting, kicking and spitting.  thankfully, though she balled up her fist several times she never took a real swing at me.  no spitting.  we put masks over their faces when they are spitters...yes these are grown adults. thankfully, her family was really nice and i had a sitter in the room to help out.

 since it's been so cold the ER had more than it's usual of homeless sorts.  they come in with at times invented ailments simply to get out of the cold.  looking for warm blankets and food really.  one dropped lunch meat on the floor and then just picked it up and ate it...grossing many of us out.  the floors in the ER are not really the place to eat food off the floor...not the first time I've seen that though.

 so a busy little stretch really.

 walked dogs today then met a friend for dinner at Bear Tooth. on the way back home from there i ran a red light...guess i was a bit more tired than i realized. the cars beside me took off for the green turn light so i just headed out into the intersection too...oops!  thankfully, nobody hit me and i didn't hit anyone.  someone honked and i realized what i was doing.  since i was now in the middle of the intersection all i could do was finish going through the red light.

 headed home and curled up in bed for a nap.  so i am awake at the moment. i suspect I'll be able to crash again.

 supposed to warm a bit and snow the next few days...then i have 3 more nights. hopefully, this next weekend i can head out to Portage and take a walk to the glacier.  the lake is frozen and looks like folks are making the passage.  it's supposed to get cold again after 2 days of relative warmth. close to 20's.

 lots of cuddle time with the pups and Miss Breezy Chatterbug this week...i totally enjoy that.

 did make a quick trip down to Potters before i met my friend . not the best sunset but still enjoyed it.

 had tried to take some of the winter trails i usually take but the trail across Stumphenge is still a bit soft.  looks like they had some ice dams break...avoided that area today.  quite a few bikers out there.  we did the big loop though. the dogs are happy.

 it was probably great for them to have those days off.

 i suppose i wear out everyone i come in contact with...physically and emotionally. 

 i don't think I'm a pain in the ass, but who knows.  i suspect we are the worst at seeing ourselves at times.  i do hope that i do not end up like these crazy old ladies. 

 sometimes you wonder if that is your future. 

 the years do go fast and i think about the fact that I'm in my mid 50's and both my parents passed away in their 70's...that is not that far off. i hope i get a bit more than that....as long as I'm fairly healthy and can enjoy the life i live. 

 most of us do not wish to be a burden on others.  I'd probably just start putting stuff out for free and clearing the house if i ended up with some terminal disease.  so i guess if i start emptying out the house say your farewells

 doubt i will be much missed when i drop off. i don't have kids and i am not really an integral part of any ones day to day life.

 i hope to live a long life, i hope to be out on these trails for as long as i can be.  i hope to be taking photo's and snuggling with dogs for years to come. 

 i am also aware that i am a bit of a introvert.  i have my social life, but in many ways i pull away from the world on a regular basis.  preferring to live a solo existence.

 it can just be stressful mixing with the other humans.  you never feel like you are enough.  you often feel like you are awkward and clumsy. 

 when it's just me and the dogs i have no stress. 

 it's a mixed bag though.  the dogs were sick so i was with them more this week.  there was some melancholy coming over me. that does happen from time to time. 

 i know it's really just bouts of depression.  so far in life these have been fairly short lived and controlled. it's a strange thing though...having those negative thoughts really take over your thought processes.

 the first time these thoughts invaded my brain i was only 10 or 11.  they have come and gone since then.  i had no idea what it was in those early years.  i tossed a diary I'd kept during that time because i was so embarrassed at my thoughts....your brain can convince you that you are worthless, unloved, that the world would be better off if you were gone.  it's really quite powerful.  i can totally see how if this goes on and on it would be harder to escape the thoughts and it would lead people to take negative actions against themselves.

 no, i am not suicidal.  i have never gotten to that level.  the negative thoughts do envelope me at times though.  generally for just a few days to a week at most.  much more in those early years.  probably all the emotions and hormones.

 i reached out in the only way i knew how to when i was a kid.  i cried nearly every night and often wrote notes which i left in a teddy bear on my moms bed. the notes would say things like i know you don't love me or i know you love the other kids more...I'm sure it was very upsetting for my Mom looking back...but the only thing she did was come in my room, hug me and tell me she loved me. 

 those issues were just not really dealt with any other way in those days.  i really was too young to even understand what options i had.  too chicken to act out those thoughts in any action other than dropping a note in a teddy bear. 

 i think those thoughts are more common than any of us care to admit. nobody speaks of those days when they feel melancholy....depressed and unloved. 

 living alone...it had a lot of positives for an introvert like me, but the negatives are that you don't have much to counter those negative thoughts that cross your mind when they do come. 

 when you are single at a certain age you rarely even get touched.  singletons are in many ways the untouchables.  if we don't check on each other nobody checks on us. 

 a brother called after the holidays and left a message...it was something about he figured he'd give me a call now that the holidays are over...funny thing is singletons are alone during the holidays....thankfully, my friends and i seem to check in with each other, but at times like holidays is when singles really could use extra phone calls and check ins.  the holidays can be tough in this world as a loner...

 i know that for decades the underlying thought process tends to be if I'd stayed Mormon i would be married...like this is punishment.  funny though at age 21 i was called in to the Bishops office and at that time the Bishop literally said to me that he saw i had no prospects for marriage...it was time for me to consider a mission.  age 21 and without hope....i didn't want to serve a mission. i also was not the fit for most Mormon boys. they seemed to go for the same girls.  either pretty or Molly Mormons. 

 two brothers, during those years as i was making my leave of the church, frequently pulled me aside and encouraged me to just go to BYU and find a husband.  i tried to explain over and over that i felt that would be unfair and that i felt i needed to sort out what i believed and not commit to someone in a religion that i did not believe.  that was still the advice i got over and over.

 it took time to sort out those feelings about the church.  i just really don't think i was in a place to husband shop.  i have zero regrets for leaving the church. 

 some days i see that it would be nice to have kids and grand kids and all that...but that is just not how my life went.  better to move forward with the life you have than regret the life you didn't.  there are also a lot of bad relationships out there.  divorces, rotten kids. there are no guarantees that if you took that path life would have been better...my life is pretty sweet. 

 a favorite line in a country song...."sometimes i thank God for unanswered prayers".  so many times in life we think we know what will make us the most happy and guess what.  we are often wrong.  people bring on their own misery by living a life they expected than the life they are given.

 another great line from a song, "you don't always get what you want....but you get what you need".

 i would have been worse off if i didn't have the string of amazing pets I've been lucky to share my life with. 

 my family, they have their own lives. i have not been an integral part of their lives for decades really.  took me a long time to realize that.  i think they like to tell themselves i moved far away to get away from family.  i remember sitting in a hotel room in South Dakota. i knew not one person there and was writing my pro/con list about accepting a job there.  the thought crossed my mind that it could be lonely moving some place where i had no connections, no family.  the truth i realized was that i had been surrounded by family for years but had felt i didn't really belong. they were all moving on with their own lives.  i really didn't have a place in their lives.  it's more lonely being in that place.

 at some point in each of our lives you have to make choices.  live your own life, find your own way.  now I'm just trying to find a balance.  figure out where i do fit in with family. find a new normal. accept the limitations but be open to those who do decide to be in my life.  i also feel i need to limit exposure to the negative.  i am who i am.  i deserve to be accepted for who i am.  i am not a bad or evil person, i just saw the world differently.  how do you be who you are without being an offense to them for not being like they are?  I'm not sure i can be...

grateful for:  A.  those in my life who do accept and respect me  B. that i have the dogs C. that the dogs are feeling better.