Rainy Day out there today

 

seemed like a good day to blog. haven't been blogging as much lately. i think that is partly due to summer, but i think more it's because i'm just in a better place emotionally.  less to work through. my head is much clearer and not needing to be unburdened as much. i'm good with that.

that is life right.  i guess when you are lucky enough to get to certain ages you have the chance to deal with all the issues we all gather through life and find that place of contentment and happiness. 

i guess it could also be the calm before the storm.  we never know what awaits us. 

for me i have released many old expectations and hopes and just enjoy each day.  i'm thrilled i am not burdened by the religious tenets that make people stress about their eternal lives. i just live for each day.  i wake and see what mood i'm in.  i'm much less inclined to stress about relationships. if people want to be in my life or join me in things...they will. if they don't, fuck it. 

tomorrow i booked a boat trip out of Seward. the wind looked okay and it's the only day this week with just clouds and not rain expected.  that in no way means there isn't always the possibility of rain, but we shall see. love to get out and see those whales. 

i allow the moods i feel to play a part but not to dictate. the best thing for me, is getting outside. some days it takes longer for me to get outside but i've been doing good at getting outside. 

accepting the limits emotionally and physically, working with them. i think that is easier since i do feel like i have gotten to experience a great deal and have had many adventures.  i can't imagine people who waited until their retired to explore and live...you do have to adapt. 

the anxiety still hits randomly but it's so much better controlled. i take the magnesium gycinate and i have just learned to recognize and deal with it.  going to 2 shifts/week has helped. i can't do that forever but i am enjoying a summer of less work.  after that i'll have to look into a second job somewhere else i think if another option doesn't work out. 

work has been going better overall. i think covid hit some of us harder than others. the stress of it all. of course, that has improved but i suspect i had a base of trauma from all the years of dealing with death and dying, including animals, kids and adults.  it's gotta impact you and pretending otherwise for myself anyway, was a losing battle. i suspect i would have dealt with it all until i retired no problem but covid and the pandemic just created a tipping point. 

i found a cabin in Valdez at the KOA that now allows dogs.  not sure if that will continue but i was able to book it so i did a last minute trip to Valdez my last stretch off. it was relaxing.  always beautiful.  the dogs are happy to go and do new things 

have also done day trips/hikes. 

the politics are crazy and out of my control. there are many on the extreme right who are opening admitting/stating they want to make this a Christian Nationalist fascism type of government. they do apparently have the supreme court on their side as they go about this. a recent decision would grant "presidents" immunities that they were never meant to have.

in the meantime, there was a debate where Biden looked like he had one foot in the grave. he failed miserably. can he win? it's hard not to be doomist in these times. all you can do with almost everything in life is do you.  vote and hope. i wish we had a better, younger option and we actually have a lot of really good potential folks on the Democrats side that could work.  facts are that Biden may die in office.  we are overdue for a death in office. no potus has died since JFK and that was right before i was born. there is talk that he should step down or may step down. i have no control over any of that. 

at this point i'd take a corpse over trump. corpse over corruption. i have no control over any of that.  again, you just have to wake up and enjoy each day you have and the peace and beauty that exists around you. 

i sat on the docks in Valdez reading and watching a moose swim out there in the ocean. i've only seen that a few times.  watched a bear swimming as well years ago on a kayaking trip out of Ketchikan. 

worked CSU this week and PCU. got one night of on call. the place hasn't been too busy this week. in CSU we've been watching the bears of katmai. i got to a point i couldn't watch them anymore. those salmon are skinned alive.  it's pretty brutal. i've convinced myself that salmon must have done some thing terrible in a previous life to be returned over and over as salmon.  what a horrible and brutal end. everything wants to kill them. 

the cottonwood trees are going nuts right now. it's the first time i've felt like i have some allergies to them.  always annoying but currently, it's making my eyes runny and itchy a bit.  nothing major, i know others really have horrible allergies. 

i booked a guy to do the shed. not sure he's that creative but hopefully, it turns out solid.  i'll have him put in a little wall so i can make a she shed in the back half with a few platform bunk beds. won't happen until the end of October. hopefully, it's not already snowing and gets cancelled. 

another strange phone call from family this morning. none of us know what happened. it woke up myself, Jeff and Wills. it was some sort of group call. nobody owned up to it and one of my sister in laws Mom was on it...i suspect it was her.  she may have some dementia. the funny and telling thing to me was that everyone immediately hung up once the initial confusion passed.  there was no, well, how are you all anyway. it was just awkward then hang up. 

these are from a spring trek to Homer.  i have another trek planned for a low tide later in July. 

i'm for sure in a "it is what it is" place in my life. it was a long road to get to this point i think.  happy to be here though.  so much easier in life once you relinquish control over things you never had control over. that doesn't mean you are never saddened by the reality of all of that. 

i have carried a bit of the melancholy since i was 10 years old.  i guess you would probably call that depression. do we all have some depression at varying levels, i have no idea. i suspect we do all go through some melancholy from time to time.  my brain has defaulted to demeaning me personally since i was 10-11. when you are younger you do not really know what to do with that.  you have a tendency to believe that brain jibber jabber. you get better at pushing back on negative self thoughts...or i guess you don't.  there are many who get swallowed by it and commit suicide. gratefully, i have never had any thoughts or plans to that level. i often felt and still will occasionally feel like i would not be missed if i did pass away. 

i guess the reality of that is that most of us won't be missed for any extended period of time. maybe that is something you come to realize more the older you get as well.  i'm not saying nobody will think of me from time to time in the years after i pass but overall, life goes on.  it's pretty egotistical of us all to think otherwise. 

in 100-200 years we may be noted in a family photograph but the reality is, we die and our stuff gets trashed or distributed out, our homes, cars get sold.  the hardest i'm sure is to be concerned for the lives of those we leave behind, like children or pets.  it impacts them the most, in the immediate. adult kids, well they are adults so they will be sad no doubt.  they will move on through their lives though. part of aging is letting go of this panic over death.  it's more of a reality, more in your face i think. you can't stop it though.  it's coming for us all. i'm just happy i've had so many days and days filled with health and adventure. 

i look at all the various lives on earth and so many never really get started, their journeys are very short and/or very traumatic.  i've had relative peace and security. i've been able to have good health and adventures.  many are just not this lucky.  to me much of the experience is luck. i find myself believing we all have lessons and we find ways to learn. i tend to think we may return in other forms. who knows.  i like that idea anyway. i've always liked learning and growing. 

it's not always easy but i'm grateful for the opportunity to learn and grow.  

sorry i'm rambling a bit.  

i was thinking about Israel and how it came to be. after WWII it was established by zionists? i just found myself thinking how crazy this is looking back.  for European nations to just establish this with little to no concern for the folks living there.  in my mind i thought, what if after the slaves were freed Europe had decided to take over Mississippi or Georgia and just give it to the freed slaves because of the horrific treatment they had endured at the hands of the slave owners. or if today Europe decided to give all the Native Americans Utah or South Dakota as reparations for what their families had endured.  just a really strange concept.  it does seem that nobody put too much thought in to how that would turn out. 

i've also thought about all these evangelical christians and how doubtful it would be for them to accept a humble Jesus back. these churches are so dependent on money. the pastors and churches seem to have lost the message Jesus was teaching and instead are basking in financial success. then i thought, perhaps Jesus would be right there with them, driving a mercedez and living in a 10,000 square foot house. having his way with women, marrying, divorcing.  

religion can bring out the best in some but it also brings out the worst in others. something about putting so many restrictions on people...it seems to cause many to go a totally different direction.  any and all things become corrupt the more money and power is involved.  it's been repeated over and over in every society. still many do not seem to recognize it.  

it happens in religions, corporations, non-profits, families even. money and power is just so easily corruptible. money may bring some level of comfort and happiness but it's also a mirage.  it often hides a misery that lies beneath the surface. 

i laughed this week thinking about these evangelicals wanting to have the "historical" bible taught in schools. it's laughable really. first off, all these different sects of Christianity will never agree on any interpretation of the bible.  there so many different views and forms of Christianity.  also, some english/history teachers are saying bring it on.  they would love to teach children and in depth analysis of the bible and it's many forms. 

the fact is i'm pretty sure many of these evangelicals have never actually read their bible from cover to cover.  they are spoon fed passages.  they don't read anything else, why would the bible be any different.  many would be shocked by what is actually written in there.  books are missing in many of the bibles.  the main bible in this nation is the king james version. the catholic church i think had a great deal to do with what is in it versus what wasn't allowed in. not sure why songs of solomon and ecclesiastics was kept in.  i think also that king james is an interesting character that many of these evangelicans would be repulsed by. 

i better get these dogs walked, even in the rain.  where to go? i'll look around outside and decide. maybe powerline because the flowers should be popping right now. campbell airstrip because the bear should have been scared off with a bunch of folks looking for a little treasure chest filled with like $300.  i heard it's out there.  supposed to be more clues today...but that mom and cub have been hanging out there.  campbell airstrip is one of my rainy day choices. 

below is powerline. 

the snow level is much less now. 

this is, of course, Matanuska Glacier. 

below here is Byron. i walked this yesterday

and i guess i put the same picture in twice.

so i'll just make it tiny. it won't let me remove it. 

and back to powerline. 

boy these are all jumbled.  i mostly use the phone camera.  will be true in this rain today. the dogs are being very patient but they will be happy to get out.  

i've been averaging 9000-10,000 steps/day.  

better get cracking. tough on a rainy day to get out. once i'm out in the rain i actually enjoy it. 

the dogs, of course, could care less what the weather is or what trail we end up on.  they just love to be outside. they are the best motivators i have in life. 

hope you are all doing well. hoping i see some whales tomorrow. 

grateful for a. peace in my mind and heart b. the great canine motivators c.  wild life sightings and the beauty that surrounds us up here. 

more from October...

 

such a cute pair. love these mugs!!

i got up and dressed for the vet yesterday only to get a call right before i left reminding me of the appointment today.  

so here i am up again.  should be asleep still. the alarm is set for 8:30 but i've been sleeping more this week. 

with the early darkness your body feels like it's late at night and then you look at a clock and it's not even 7pm.  early to bed, late to rise is the way it is at this time of year sometimes. 

the night before sleep took a bit as the dogs next door were barking a lot. the owner seems like she's been leaving them for super long stretches. she has high energy dogs and they do not do well when she does that.  new boyfriend? family issues? picking up night shifts? not sure but dogs need their humans.  cats you can leave for 15+ hours but not dogs.  hers bark anyway.  a little neighborhood facebook group found people complaining about the barking.  it did go on from like around 10pm til well after midnight.  

i noticed the complaints in the morning and concern for the dogs.  she does have a dog door so the dogs were not stuck out in the cold, but they must have been barking a lot again around 3 am because one neighbor must have left their house and found them.  i always worry my dogs will be blamed, but they left a note on her front door.  she was not home. i commented that the dogs did have a dog door so that people would know the dogs were not stuck outside. she returned yesterday afternoon and i didn't hear a peep from the dogs all night. 

i am actually a great sleeper once i am down for the count. most nights not much can wake me up...didn't hear her dogs at the 3 am barking session.  around midnight i think i put a dvd in, turned up the volume and that was all she wrote. 

i just took the dogs to the dog park yesterday. it was chilly out and we'd done a longer walk the day before at the beach at Kincaid. 

the ice probably irritated Ivy's injury, whatever it is. so today we will hit the speciality clinic.  i still do not think she is to be rushed to surgery.  it's expensive and she will need a lot of post op attention.  i have no idea how things are going to go in this world of ours right now.  seems nuts to invest the time and money since she is still able to go on walks.  she is sore after but she is able to manage the walks. 

we did two loops there. 

Monday was when we hit the beach at Kincaid.  no texts from anyone for the Monday walk.  seems the covid numbers are going up and up and up...so i guess best to just put it on hold for a bit again.  if anyone wants to join me for walks just text me.  my outdoor bubble is bigger than my indoor one. 

i think most in healthcare believe it's not a matter of if they will get this but when they will get this.  i have no idea how sick i will get with it considering my baseline asthma/bronchitis. i have been coughing for weeks. that is another reason to not jump into surgery for Ivy...if i get sick i may be down for a bit or even hospitalized. 

we still have a large portion of the nation who refuse to believe the election results because the fool in the white house currently keeps posting tweets that he actually won, refuses to concede.  he puts up lawsuit after lawsuit in hopes of overturning the results.  

his sycophants have  been putting pressure on those who certify the results in various states to toss votes.  Graham has put himself in a bit of a predicament as he was putting pressure it seems on those in charge of elections in Georgia.  he's trying to deny it but there are two who heard him...there are reports that this was happening before the election, with possible promises of positions in the trump administration...so it seems more and more that the attempts at voter fraud come from, surprise, surprise the right.  

Christopher Kebs was "terminated" the other day.  he is in charge of cybersecurity and infrastructure security agency...he came out and refuted the wild allegations of fraud put out by trump and his followers... he came out and said there was no evidence of this voter fraud and that in fact it had been one of the safest elections on record...for this he was let go.

the rest of the GOP remain missing in action on truth and ethics.  they are going along with the crazy talk at the top.  not willing to speak out against trump and not willing to force him to concede. 

all this does is damage our nation more.  we have always had a smooth transition of power for the most part.  Biden has been refused the basics of access in order to prepare to take over the nation.  as he stated when asked what is the worst thing that can happen if trumps administration continues to refuse to allow his team access and refused to concede...Bidens answer...more will die sadly. 

there are those who are dying from covid that still believe the rights rhetoric, that this is a hoax, a Dem plot to destroy trump...they refuse to believe they have a disease that doesn't exist. they become angry with staff for insisting they have covid and for dressing as they do to protect themselves from covid. it makes their dying from covid even sadder since they waste time and energy denying they have what they have...this is what happens when you are lost to the conspiracies...you are lost to reality. 

i tackled a bit of the garage yesterday. it was getting to be a bit of a mess. the heater is to be checked today so  seemed like a good day to do some garage clean up.  i still always have too much crap but it is looking a bit neater and some stuff was tossed. 

i also got the Skelly crew prepped a bit for Christmas.  it's too late to bother with Thanksgiving and i'll be working the holidays anyway. better to just work through it and not focus too much on it.

not feeling much like i belong to any family at this point anyway.  

i think that has been the hardest part of this for me. really being made aware of the limits of what family really is in my life.  i mean, some of my family are of the conspiracy sort. i do not believe they think covid doesn't exist but i do think some of them are of the herd immunity mentality.  that they do not want big government or any government telling them what to do and how to behave with this.  that the media is lying to them as is the government.  that this covid is much less than it is....

basically, that my job is really no different than it was before all of this...they seem to have no real idea what i even do honestly.  that is their reality, the mystical reality they have created for themselves through their conspiracy veil.  nothing i can do.  we are on opposites sides and i do not see that changing.  

what was i trying to save all these years.  for the most part the bulk of my family hasn't been supportive, curious, or concerned for my safety. it's not like it's any different from the past really, just that the virus has made these things more clear to me. 

you can beat your head against the wall trying to create relationships that don't really exist or you can let go and accept what it is.  the limits of it.  the ones who want a relationship with me will put in the effort, the others, well i just have to step far back and away. 

the beach the other day was pretty. i always love the chunks of ice on the beach and the icicles that are created as the water drips off. i always go a bit crazy taking pictures, many that don't turn out because you are trying to snap shots under little ice bergs.

the big pancake ice is still small pancake ice. 

Covid Kitty is in a lot more and loving his new cat tree.  he is most often found on the top layer.  

Miss Breezy wanders the house a bit more freely...she is way over due for her vaccines.  still debate if i just take her back to the old vets, just to keep my foot in the door.  don't really like depending on one vet. that seems silly, loyalty these days doesn't count for much anywhere.

so the Skelly's are out the lights are out on the house outside and inside. who knows if i will bother with much else this year. 

need to get on the text list so i can perhaps do more overtime as the covid cases fill the place up.  not thrilled with the idea but it may be necessary.

these are out at the dunes.

a bit of wind that day.

also a drive along the arm.  had debated it the last few days but just came home and got a few things done. hit the grocery.  

keeping to myself, texting a bit.

started watching the new season of the crown...of course, it looks like i missed season 3 so i'll have to go back to that. 

according to this version of times with Princess Diana, she had issues from the start of that marriage.  she should never have gone through with it if she knew he was still involved with Camilla.  pretty sad if she knew that and went through with it anyway.  they kind of make her out to be a bit pathetic at this point really.  that she was depressed and already had an eating disorder before she even got married to Charles.  i guess easy to get swept up into something that is so much larger than yourself. i'm sure there would have been lots of pressure to follow through and not make some public drama. 

i think many like to make her out to be purely a victim...but we all have choices and she made hers.  a sad choice in the end as it determined her final outcome really.  i think many have magical thinking, in that they believe they can change things that can't be changed.

she was incredibly young as well. at that invincible stage. still, just a sad story all the way around.  

will have time today while i wait for the furnace guy to come...you are always given a time frame.  so the vet at 10 am and then the furnace anytime between noon and 3.  may be cutting it a bit close.  

the big mountain off in the distance. this has to be from  Powerline.

i hear there have been some illegal snare traps near the trails along hillside so i will avoid those areas.  

not keen on lazy trappers.

i guess there are still a few grizzly's awake out there. fish and game are looking for them as they are getting into garbage.  probably bears who are old and weak i suspect...the others would be tucked in for the winter by now.

well, guess i shall get my day started, the alarm just went off.

i bought i turkey breast to toss in the crock pot for today. leftovers for the next several days. will be easy for work.  perhaps make turkey soup for next weeks stretch.  

a Breezy sighting.  

off to feed the dogs and get the turkey in before i shower and head off to the vets. 

thankful for a. any and all who see me and support me.  it's easy to feel invisible these days  b. the furs that are a constant in my life c. the beauty of this place and how it fills me up when my tank is on empty. also grateful for the health to be able to get out and enjoy it.