one week out....

 

so far all seems to be going well with recovery. they had said the overall healing should be smooth, it will just be weight restrictions that will keep me off work. my job isn't normal and they require i be at 100% to work. no light duty for this old gal.  the universe must have believed i needed a break. i did apply for a desk job and didn't get it, part of that was knowing i'd have to be off longer if i wasn't on a desk job if i did get this surgery. things happen the way they should so here we are. 

i only took the day after surgery off from walking.  the walks are slow for sure. i've done mostly rather flat walks, slow. a bit sore out there but nothing that wasn't manageable. have taken half of one pill of stronger pain pill at night, but have just used tylenol/ibuprofen for the days. i'm a belly sleeper so i've been able to flop over the past several nights so that helps with sleep.

back to my baseline of walking alone mostly.  that is life as a single person. who wants to beg people to walk with you.  i either take the Element or i put Ivy one foot after another on door jam, then up to seat and then one slight lift with her helping these past few days. i think the dogs get that i'm not 100%. they are happy to be out walking though.  spoiled puppies. 

i've tried to add some other thing in so that i'm not just sitting around at home...which is not good for anyone's mental health, especially mine.  walking is how i can gauge how i'm doing. i've walked 2-5 miles nearly every day for probably 30 years now. it's a good tell how fast/slow i go, if i get short of breath, how and where i'm sore. luckily Ivy is older now and mostly just carries her tennis ball. slow bends for the times she really wants a toss. the little incisions are healing and the glue is falling off. just a bit itchy now. 

we did do a drive out to see the sunset and see a plane at Lake Hood decorated with lights one day.  i also took the dogs for photos with Santa the other day.  mostly, it's just the walk, a little errand and then home. 

reading, crosswords, games, tv...just try to keep myself busy and rest a lot. 

not sure where i'll walk today. it's been a headache day. nothing unusual about that, nor is that related to the surgery. 

i think my short term is coming through. i'll look after this. they have paperwork it sounds like. 

was re-watching some sex and the city, haven't seen for years. funny, they now seem pretty crazy and pathetic in many ways. was billed as strong independent women, but they mostly just wanted men to like them.  nothing new there. i remember after i left the church, i had taken to reading magazines like cosmo...try to figure out normal femaleness. a friend pointed out that the entire magazine was just article after article on how to make a man happy...nothing new from the way i was raised...except the church told you to cook and clean and be some helpmate, the magazine focused on how you looked and how you behaved in bed. they need articles on how to make you man see the ways he should be trying to make you happy...

i had sent out cards to the folks who sent me cards the last few years.  i bought less.  less people are doing cards and i'm less into obligations than i used to be.  some folks just aren't interested in doing the card thing. that is fine.  why should i waste money and effort sending cards to people who literally show zero interest in it all. so i have a few spares that i figure if i get that unexpected card i can respond with a card. post op, all the christmas stuff is not that important this year anyway. i got done what i could before surgery. 

i have done too much internet shopping for things i clearly do not need....i think i just like the potential for a package arrival. not too much to look forward too during this time. packages are fun though. 

now that it's been a week, it's time to get some of those weekly home chores done.  cat little, linen change, laundry. i'll just have to pace myself and get stuff done. life goes on of course. 

not sure where to walk today....will wait out this headache a bit i think. 

it's cold out there again today.  back in the teens i think. layer up. when i get home i turn on the mattress pad heater and reheat. need to fine better ways to entertain myself over the next several weeks. 

these are all from this summer and a few summers ago. both in August though. 

thus the mushrooms. 

and a lack of snow of course.  we don't have all that much snow here right now. some ice. may just hit the dog park today. Sunny loves to play with the other pups. 

summer are always great up here. i love the winter though as well. we are nearly to Solstice so it will be nice to start gaining in light. i enjoy the peace though of winter and the darkness. with all the light in summer you really feel obligated to just keep going so winter is a time you tend to allow yourself to be a bit lazy and shut in. watch old reruns, read books, do art projects. hermiting is a good time for people like myself, who don't always love loads of social interaction. 

i say that but most introverts want to be invited, we want to be remembered, we may not always respond normally but we secretly want to be included and sad when we aren't, even if we don't actually participate. i know we are strange on complicated, us humans. 

i've had a few sad/depressed moments this past week. i think that is to be expected. work is good for me in some ways, it forces to me interact and mix with other humans.  it's easy for me to hermit up and work forces the hermit out of the cabin. 

still a few light events that involve small amount of walking that hopefully i will get to next week.  also do enjoy short drives around just to see what lights are up in neighborhoods. 

no desire to go to any church services. i tend to panic with any organized religion. not really a big believer in the tales of Christianity at this point. most of the big stuff is just a repeat of other Gods of the past. Horus, Hercules, Thor were all sons of deity. the resurrection and ascension stories Hercules, dionysus.  sacrament...done

much of the "christmas" celebrations are stolen from paganism. it seems to make sense that most current religions are really just recreated from previous Gods/religions. i think many things that we currently relate to Jesus were derived from others, like Mithras

long fasting, going to temples as pre-teen/teen, solitude, very common.  Buddha did this as well. even the idea of a virginal birth is not just a Jesus thing.  son of God, also done before. many were also in stories of being slain to redeem others. the older i get the less the religion plays a major role. i do like the idea of a time that celebrates kindness and good will towards all. i think we all need that reminder in life. i also love the pomp and circumstance of the lights and music and decorations in general. 

a little gift giving and getting can be fun as well. 

i don't like the obligations that often come with this time of year and the stress that so many are put under to celebrate a certain way. 

i also am less and less impressed with the rise of evangelicals who bastardize the hopeful and giving messages or all these divinities over the generations. the Gods names change and the many of the details change along with them.  there are themes that run through. idolatry and greed have become far too prominent in these "religions".  they play like they are doing good when in actuality they are just using the season to increase they wealth while doing as  little as possible to help others, just enough to put on the show of it.  i know that makes me a very jaded individual. 

may just hit the dog park in a bit. super easy. want to get to best buy over the next few weeks.  get a new desk top before this one dies.  so far so good, but it is from 2009. any recommendations.  just like storage for photo's. don't see this happening today though. dang headaches. 

will be several months before we see flowers again. 

thanks again for the kind words and for those who have helped me, called, texted....it really is the little things in life that bring the most joy.  

i did sent a message to the local shelter saying i could take in a cat with her kittens. they'd have to be kept in a separate room but would be a good distraction.  no word back from them though.  i won't push it. 

not much exciting to say here.  i've avoided much of the politics.  it is what it is, right? we are basically fucked....what else is there to say. 

Sunny Boy is watching the neighborhood, i feel very safe for sure. lol.  he's so brave

ashes left at the dog park. i still leave ashes places. Tusker passed away early December those few years ago. i lost Blossom and Rio in November different years but this time of year is always a reminder of those loses. i do feel like those dogs send me other dogs and watch over us. easier for me to trust and believe in dogs than Gods.  i know that makes little sense in the big picture.  dogs are just pure in heart and religions...well, the proof is they tend to lean towards controlling and greedy. 

rest, walk, errand, nap...that is the plan at least until after solstice i think. 

i'll check back online on the short term disability stuff latter this evening.  can only sit on a computer for so long. 

again thanks, hope all goes well for everyone out there. the holidays can be fun or rough so i hope that any who read this are finding some peace and joy at this season.  for me that is often just a drive to look at lights and a snuggle with the dogs watching some sappy Christmas thing. 

grateful A to those who honor the peace of the season and the reason for the season B continue healing C that i've been able to get out each day and let nature do it's healing as well. 

the downside of becoming "woke"....

 

you have to deal with those who are left behind. who refuse to examine the worlds realities. who refuse to question. who refuse to be curious. 

woke just means to be socially aware. it's been made into a sort of swear word of late by the right.

if woke means that i am trying to accept others in the place that they are, then i accept that task. 

when it comes to racism. i really had no idea initially how racism has impacted so many aspects of our culture.  there was very little we were taught in school about the truths of those times of slavery and after slavery.  it was washed away.  we were learning at a young age i think in school that we were being taught a very watered down version of history.  at least i seem to recall getting that impression

i spent quite a lot of time in the library selecting books to read that i'm sure good Christian parents would refuse to allow.  my parents were pretty hands off in many ways.  parents are much more hovering these days, or have been. my parents had very little impact on what i read outside of the bible and book of mormon. my Mom was just happy we read.  she was a big reader...though much of her reading was romance novels.  she was reading. that was all that mattered. she had an amazing vocabulary

you can be exposed to and read a variety of things, you can travel to nations far and wide and still remain in a box of your choosing though. we choose these things.  

it makes me both sad for and angry at times for those who seem to remain entrenched in a thought process that many are leaving behind. 

it's just so hard to imagine intelligent people choosing to stay in a box of ideas that were standard when we were kids.  never really breaking from the beliefs about gays, race, religion, the world order. 

the people they support in office are doing some really horrendous things and yet, they choose to really just look the other way.  they have their things that they want to have happen, gun rights and abortion restrictions.  in truth abortions are less under dems because they encouraged and made available birth control and other supportive things that decrease abortions. 

i'd still say that the gop needed and depended on those fetuses being aborted more than the dems got from them.  they needed those fetuses to be taken in order to motivate their base to vote.  now with that gone, they are going after others. sadly, no battle will be as easy a win for them than fetuses.  the fetus is totally dependent on the person carrying it so no money needed to be spent by the gop. proof of this is that the gop votes over and over not to support pregnant women. they don't support the fetus financially in any way.  those nuts at abortion clinics aren't paid, they volunteer. 

a post on fb by a niece this week through me in to a bit of a rage. it was a supposed "study" with mice.  the mice were given everything they needed...in the end they extrapolated that the results of this "study" is what is happening in society with humans.  the last paragraph..."we are currently witnessing direct parallels in todays society, weak, feminized men with little to no skills and no protective instincts and overly agitated and aggressive females with no maternal instincts" who then destroy society by killing off the others. i was just about to leave for work and it just enraged me really. 

as i tend to fly off on these ridiculous things i just hit block so that i wouldn't comment and get into an online battle with yet another family member. right after i did that, her mom called me. i said i was feeling pretty angry and explained why.  she started to defend this "research" and that just angered me more.  i wasn't calm, i was over reactive so in the end i did send a text apologizing, saying in the state i was in i should not have answered the phone. also that i shouldn't have taken my anger out on her on something she didn't post. 

in the heated discussion i did mention that the Jesus i had learned about would have been kind to people, whether they were gay/trans...whatever.  then she had said, Jesus would say, "go and sin no more". 

so being more "woke" you have to find some way to accept those who think being "woke" is a scary and bad thing. then the next day yet another school shooting happens.  a reminder that the non woke vote in people who support the nra and guns rights so completely that death by gun is now the most common way to die as a child here. so they see the news about a shooting, send their thoughts and prayers and then go back to attacking the lgbqt+ folks, drag queens, books, actual history...stuff that isn't killing kids. 

that they espouse to be prolife and yet look away at all the death, is an irony they are incapable of grasping. 

these state governments would rather these transgenders and all others just disappear. i do not know what they want of them really.  they do not want to believe or admit they exist.  what are their choices at that point...if a whole segment of society wants them to pretend to not exist.  i have heard many times that there is just xx and xy.  this is simply not true. 

there are a lot of chromosome variations to this.  xxy, xyy, xxyy, xxxy....

if anomaly's can happen on all the chromosomes. i'm baffled why many can accept this on all the other chromosomes but not on those that determine sex characteristics and sexuality.it just doesn't seem too far out there that if you can be born with a penis and uterus than there is a wide variety of things that can happen. 

so i haven't called to talk because then the shooting happened and i can't promise i won't become angry at a discussion that can't possibly go anywhere useful. 

i saw a clip that was talking about trauma and trauma response. i didn't have any specific trauma's as a kid.  we had a pretty protected and fun existence. i have had some experiences later...and i often feel like my entire career is a trauma. dealing with others traumas and deaths over and over has to have an impact on us care givers. covid was an added trauma on top of it all. sexual assaults, bear close encounter, close calls in boats and planes...it all adds up. 

working in critical care you learn to remain calm.  so big things are happening and you just stay calm.  the clip was saying that often we are calm when these big things happen but as a response we tend to over react to smaller injustices/situations.  i guess because we have the space and freedom to react.  when the shit is hitting the fan you have to deal with it and you can't let emotions run wild. makes some sense i think. 

these are the last from sept 21.  the last fall with Tusk.  i will always feel badly for how his life ended but i try to focus on all the fun times we all had together.  my dogs have great lives overall. still so hard to let them go. 

my work week last week was one night of on call and two nights in pcu. not bad nights really. 

the most annoying was the second night the tech i had was pretty busy with some study work.  mostly just sat there on her ipad, not doing tech work.  i'm pretty good at doing much of my own tech work, we had no tech the first night, but it is frustrating having a tech who isn't doing much to actually help you. watching someone sit around getting paid to not do work.  irritating. 

these trees are at the kincaid park.  i'm feeling a lazy day here before i head back to work tonight. 

the dogs would prefer a nice walk. we did put in over 5 miles yesterday.  it was really nice.  the trails are still great and the weather is perfect. warm. into the 30's. 

there was a pretty great aurora the other night.  i was on call so i was sticking close to home.  should have gotten out there i guess. i fell asleep and never got called in. 

watching a series called "Manifest". so far it's pretty good. their flight hits some turbulence and after they get through that they land but apparently 5+ years have passed and they are trying to leap back into a life that left them behind. 

two nights of work ahead though. 

the post has been taken down.  my bil was much calmer and more capable of having a discussion.  apologies by the niece to him. i'll just stay unfriend for now.  i unblocked there have been other questionable posts.  better to just slide away from that stuff to prevent over reactions in the future. no social media info/battle will change views on those who ardently do not want their views to change. 

it will sadden me and frustrate me until my last day though.  

sad that they won't accept things that others do, sad that they refuse to look into the truths that others live with and try to find some way to at least be more accepting and at least less demanding that those people hide from their own existence.  what are they to do? live a life in the closet, in shame and self loathing just so the people on the right don't have to feel uncomfortable or see the reality. 

acceptance.  it's really what any of us want.  i think i gave up on much of that need through covid and the other circumstances i've dealt with.  i know others still hope for that full acceptance and it will never be granted. 

never...because full acceptance, even basic acceptance at many levels just isn't something they are capable or or choose to do....i'd say choose more than capable though, which is why it makes me angry.  

clinging on to the old ways of thinking.  not being able to evolve...it's a choice

living in a box. some comfort for the individual but that comfort will surely be rocked.  someone will marry the wrong color or the wrong sex.  someone will come out as a member of the lgbqt+ community....then what happens? do they change? some do, some don't.  what happens when they don't...? even more family/friends walk away, some will commit suicide, some will bend to the will of their families and live a made up, unhappy life, while quietly loathing themselves because they can't find a way to make that life work for who they are.  it's a mismatch of epic proportions

sadly, you can't make people walk the road and see what is happening across the street from their protected lives. if they don't want to they will not.  

occasionally, i will release the rage, no matter how futile it is when directed at those who are so deeply in their box. i'm a human. imperfect. i love, but i also can rage at times. 

i apologize for the times i rage and am grateful for those who accept me for who i am.  

i guess, in the end, a little rage outburst is needed.  you have to try to get through the box.  you hope that one of those efforts will be successful, if just for a moment. guess it's like the sperms and the egg...those little suckers ram like crazy and every so often, by some miracle one gets through.  it may be a totally screwed up sperm though, which causes havoc and creates a genetically flawed human.  

we are all flawed. is it the battle to exist?  that battle takes its toll on us all. whether we hide in a box or walk out into the wild. none of us can protect ourselves, whether we are woke or not.  nobody is shielded by prayers, bad stuff happens to all. if God was going to protect kids from these school shootings, God would have already done it.  this is on us.  so knock off the thoughts and prayers and get make changes. 

well, these dogs are being very patient and i'm getting thirsty. should get off this computer. 

hoping these two nights are not too rough. 

a bear print out there. none spotted yet this year. 

love these big trees, especially in the fall. 

beach down below. 

more snuggle time with the dogs then off to work.  

grateful for: A. becoming woke.  despite the negative aspects, i have a long ways to go. B. spring temperatures C. calmer heads than mine.