the days are getting longer, lovely warm weather...! 30's

 

i'm really behind now in these blog posts.  it's okay. that generally means my brain is calm. calm is good.  

these are still from July last summer with my nieces.  Matanuska glacier, Orca Island, walk to Gwenich Glacier. it was a real Alaskan holiday. 

this lake, like all others, is frozen.  we have had warmer weather.  it started the day after we paid to have the roof shoveled off. that is how it goes. today the road crew came and widened the street, hauling off tons of snow. it was mostly a one lane road. this has happened so many times this winter.  neighbors are great at taking turns passing.

we are all enjoying these warm temperatures though. 20's-40's F. 

i thought i'd get at least 24 hours notice on the roof crew.  instead i found out they were coming just as i was leaving for work.  ended up in the ER. it was such a crazy and strange night. we started with 23 holds, people just kept getting rooms but the waiting room was packed. oddly, the place cleared out and by around 4 am we only had like 5 holds left? anyway.  i got to come home early.  so between 5am and 6 am i was charging up the Element and digging it out. had to have the cars out of the driveway.  

sleeping was impossible. i slept a few hours before the crew was supposed to arrive.  woke up as the dogs were not going to just allow a crew to walk around the roof and not let everyone know about it.  they finished by afternoon.  i think i slept another hour or two. then went outside to try and make it so i could put both cars side by side again.  no go.  too much snow.  got cars back in the driveway though. Element battery is dead again.  oh well. 

at that time i also discovered that so much snow had been shoveled in to my side yard that i had two dogs looking down at me from over the fence.  i started to dig a moat and lower the level of snow on the other side of the fence. i needed to get ready for work so i had decided i'd just shut the dog door rather than risk having the dogs escape. 

i think for maybe the first time i called work and requested an on call. some request on calls all the time.  i just take them when they come my way, which is not usually very often.  glory...they gave me one and again the next night.  lots of digging and no call back either night. i was sore from the digging anyway by the next night. 

my next week was a split of peds/picu and icu. not bad nights...i mean other than one small patient attempting to code at one point. i was quite happy to switch assignments at 1 am and hand that kid off.  the kid did get worse again the next day so happy to have missed that. 

haven't worked ICU for some time and i got to do a road trip to the MRI...currently outside the facility in a trailer.  a bit tricky with ICU patients. at least it was warmer than last time i had to go out there.  remove all metal and then put a coat and hat on...it was well below zero last time. i think the noises have kept the moose away...but in truth you could have a moose cruise through as you are trying to load a patient into the trailer. there is a lift outside for stretcher patients. a bit crazy.  we still have months to go before the new MRI facility is all up and running. 

getting my walks in mostly. good with the step counts.  mentally doing pretty well.  minimal anxiety.  no real need for prn's of late. just taking the magnesium and so far it seems to be helping. 

dogs had to put up with mildly cranky me today.  not sure why...just woke on the wrong side of the bed i guess. think we all have those days. we all took two walks.  Sunny Boy had a vet appointment.  got medicine in his ears.  hope it's not toxic since i had to keep stopping Ivy Rose from cleaning his ears. he was a hit at the Vets.  he charmed them all and got loads of compliments.  he really is a great puppy. 

we hit the dog park first. did a nice run out there.  a few moose. one sleeping on the lake, easy to avoid and another surprise one back in the woods. Sunny did make a run over to meet the moose.  thankfully, he returned after i called "leave it" and "here puppy".  whew!

after the Vet appointment we headed to Ruth Arcand.  the rocks are starting to show up again.  i'd cared for a patient that i know i've met out there so i was kind of avoiding the area for a bit for the patients comfort.  eventually, we may run into each other. it's a pretty small state human wise for how big it is. 

i had forgotten to grab any rocks but i had a pretty snail shell in the car so i exchanged a rock for that and then that gave me a rock to trade with.  came home with a kitty rock.  :-) always love a kitty rock. we didn't see the patient, any moose or horses so a good day. 

the moose have been busy out there.  as winter moves along they appreciate our plowed streets and trails more and more. saves them from having to trudge through the deep stuff.  they are getting tired and cranky though. there was a great video of a woman at the costco i frequent.  she had the trunk open and a few carts filled with goods.  there was a moose that walked up and was "shopping" in her carts.  you can here here talking to the moose, requesting he leave...promising him some food if he leaves and then scolding him for putting his ears down...a sign of irritation in moose. 

Super Bowl sunday has come and gone.  i watched the puppy bowl for a bit before heading out.  there seemed to be a lot of drama.  the conservatives are angry with Taylor Swift for encouraging her fans to sign up to vote. they are also mad because her latest boyfriend was playing in the super bowl and her going to games has been difficult for the right to deal with.  that makes me happy...haha. the boyfriend bought her and his/her families a box...cost of a million for one game.  the cheapest seats for the game are apparently $10,000 each seat. omg...that is just insane to me. 

so much drama about her being there at all. guess she's brought new fans and more money to the sport so the right should just shut up but they hate everything and everyone they are told to hate and faux news is spewing taylor hate at this moment. they just always have some one new to hate or some group to hate. it's all hate with the evangelicals.  they wonder why people are leaving christianity. it's the lack of Christ in Christianity. if Jesus walked in to faux news station they would totally trash him and easily convince all their evangelical viewers to hate him and call him anti christian, or the devil, a communist, a socialist, tree hugger, libtard....you name it. 

got my first look at her new boyfriend through the million tiktoks out there.  seem like a real football player/frat boy.  you never get to have everything in life so she is in love and getting love bombed for sure...he has a bit of a short fuse.  there is a clip of him bumping his over 60 coach and screaming in the guys face to put him in. then right after they win he gets the mike and just starts screaming viva las vegas.  ironic since the girl he's dating is magical with lyrics and all he can do is scream viva las vegas.  

then there is a parade in Kansas City...which is in Missouri not Kansas (like the orange idiot believes). anyway. the boyfriend was totally drunk and sang a garth brooks song.  falling over. i think this was pretty early in the day....then there was a shooting.  the place was swimming in cops but a few bystanders that weren't armed took down one of the shooters.  one dead, i think 20 injured, many kids. thoughts and prayers i'm sure from the right. i guess Missouri has some of the least strict gun laws.  the team did not change their dinner celebration plans after the shooting. seems like a family friendly parade should be a place to tamp down the drunk celebrations but football players i guess are given every excuse to be drunk in public and scream at their coaches.  so many excuses out there.  Taylor had flown off to Australia to perform to more sold our crowds.  she is rocking life right now so she seems happy with her football player.  not sure that guy will be the one but you never know. people and relationships are not that easy to predict, love makes people do unpredictable things. 

it's been lots of swift drama as the grammy's were right before all this and she got the album of the year award.  once again, there was someone who believed the award should go to  Beyonce. years ago i think with one of her first awards, Kanye came up on stage as she was accepting the award and literally grabbed the mike from her and said Beyonce deserved it. this time Beyonce's cheating husband used some random award he was given to just say that she needed to be respected and be giving the award.  i think she already has a crazy number of grammy wins...just hasn't gotten the album of the year. a bunch of rich spoiled fools from my view point.  

whining and carrying on about not getting awards, screaming and getting drunk when they win a game. the rest of us just go in and do our jobs and don't get any big awards or wins.  we just show up day in and day out. get paid much less, scrap by and these wealthy spoiled brats are never satisfied or just act the fools. 

guess that is my rant for the week.  i actually did watch the ERA's tour on Amazon.  the cost was nearly $20.  no crowds though.  so a perfect way to enjoy it.  she did put on a great show and i do like that she gives back...way more than any of these churches do from what i have seen.  she donated $100,000 to the family of the woman lost to gun violence at the parade her boyfriend attended. that was kind of her. 

the politics and election run is bonkers.  as the orange idiot battles to delay all these court cases, he's had a few losses of late. he won't go to the supreme court to argue that he should have total immunity because he was potus. he got fined $355 million+interest i think in the fraud case in NY. he also got fined in the repeat case over smearing the name of the women he raped. 

his friend F-ER Carlson went to Russia and gave put a long platform. put even mocked him. right after that aired. Navolny ( the guy who put jailed for trying to run against him, after the guy survived put poisoning him) he died suddenly in prison in some remote and brutal prison.  he'd actually been in a court room the day before looking pretty good so hmm.  put kills people all the time. they need to send all puts held money to Ukraine. it's sitting in banks in Germany i think.  they also need to pass the damn bill to send money/supplies to Ukraine. it passed the Senate but the new idiot in charge on the house refuses to even vote on things. they just want to waste time trying to impeach people.  their star witness was just found to be lying. of course, they followers are so in the bubble that they never hear any actual news. 

it's just all sorts of insane. you can't possibly keep up. 

as for Israel and Palestine...omg. it's just brutal.  what happened on Oct 7 was horrific...also a lot of the crap happening in Palestine is horrific. it's all just bad. Hamas still has hostages, many of those hostages have now been reported as dead. i think like 30 of them.  the people of Gaza just seem to be pushed from area to area.  none of the surrounding nations want them or hamas. they say it's because those refugees would never be allowed to return...so i guess they are okay with them just being slaughtered as well. that seems fairly telling.  it's a huge disaster that we are sucked in to. of course, biden gets trashed for helping Israel but you better believe the orange fool and his followers would happily drop a nuclear bomb on gaza.  something about the second coming and zion...i don't know.  it's all way too out of my brains ability to comprehend it, but it's all horrific and brutal. death all over. so much hatred out there.  

from my viewpoint all religions cause so much hatred.  ours is better than yours attitude...when all along it's just about money and power. where ever you are born, to whom you are born...that is the religion you mostly stick with. they can't all be right but for sure they can all be wrong. 

should hit the beach tomorrow.  haven't been for a bit.  this is a snow crust heart i made.  

frost...now all melted

i have one more 3 day run then i'm down to 2 shifts/week.  may try to pick up one shift randomly or eventually just find a second job to pick up some hours in a much less stressful environment. wanting less coding kids

i'd rather have less drama in my life and enjoy the drama of others...let them have drama. 

they make more money so they can have the drama that comes with fame and fortune. 

a little tidbit from an old prophets journal.  Wilford Woodruff.  he apparently would have dead single women sealed to him for time and eternity on his Birthday each year.  "single women" could include children who had died. 267 ? total number of brides to be enjoyed in the next life. the upper leadership have been gifted a second annointing so they can do no wrong as their place in heaven is assured before they die...that is the doctrine and practive.  the second annointing stuff is pretty hush hush.  can you imagine gifting yourself with dead wives.  sick perverts is all i can say to that. 

also ran across an interesting quote...lots of truth in it though.  "if your absence doesn't bother them, your presence never meant anything to them". 

bill paying, laundry and dishes...just doing the stuff that always needs to be done. 

i try to always tuck in silly stuff though. 

i should book some homer fun and start to really look at summer stuff. i also want to get some rocks painted.  that is the goals for this stretch off. 

my niece has graciously offered to help get the web page up.  thank you J and S H.  so grateful for the help. 

communicating with my REI and fish and game contacts, make sure we are getting set up for our walrus lecture. didn't see it up at REI so hopefully that goes up soon.  if you live in the area. it's March 19th, 5:30-7:30 pm at REI. they have a lecture room and they allow us to do this at no charge. 

cute shot of Sunny Boy. the dogs are tuckered out.  had a few signs of visits from Rio Catalina (i turned off the tv and went to leave, as i was shutting the door the tv turned back on) also found a tennis ball, which i always view as Blossom stopping by.  not sure what Tusker would do if he visited.  i like to think the dogs stop by. i'd like to discover that after i die a bunch of animals would be there to greet me. saw a cartoon years ago.  it was a guy at the pearly gates. the guy managing the gate tells him if he doesn't mind throwing tennis balls for eternity they had an opening in dog heaven.  i'd take that job for sure.  haha. 

i'm sure i have rambled on tonight, my apologies. 

my brain can't pull up images but it does have a constant dialogue. 

oh, i went to see hockey with the H's. that was fun. haven't been to hockey for ages.  it was super bowl sunday...so instead of hockey i met friends from ketchikan for dinner and then hockey.  the aces are long gone but we enjoyed the local university's team.  we had front row seats. pretty cheap. i think $8 as opposed to the $8,000+ for a super bowl seat. way more fun.  i'm still shocked by that level of spending.  

with Snowzilla and more snow hearts below

i'll crash fairly soon.  

grateful for: warmer temperatures, a plowed road and finding rocks at Ruth Arcand today. always fun. 

emotional recovery from being a covid caregiver...

 

woke up the other day feeling more like myself than i have for ages. it was good.  good to know i'm still in there somewhere.  at times it does feel like i'm a little lost. motivation is low. 

watched a clip about allowing ourselves to heal. that often after a trauma of some level we will feel unmotivated and depressed and that really this is just our body resting and recovering. 

one thing i have added to the prayers i occasionally say (usually on the way to work), is to help me be more kind to myself. i think care givers and females especially are hard on themselves. we have very high expectations for ourselves and set for us by others. we do break though...we can only bend so far.

we trash the way we look, we trash the amount of stuff we get done, we trash how well we do the things that we do get done. females are terrible at lifting ourselves up. there is a lot of pressure to fit in boxes that we will never fit in.  we are given horribly high expectations that we can never meet. 

we need to give ourselves a break and we need to stand up for ourselves and each other. 

watching the women of iran at this time. they were actually ahead of the women in many parts of this earth back in the 1970's. they had freedoms, education, power...but that all changed suddenly. in the late 70's the religion of the land took over the government and morality police became a thing. suddenly women were not to be as educated, they were not to have power, they were to dress a certain way. they were to wear a hijab. they were to stay at home and have children. a woman was killed recently while being held by these morality police for her hijab not totally covering her hair. 

the population has risen up and several more have been killed as they burn their hijabs and cut their hair off. not everyone believes the same despite the demand that they are all follow the most strict rules of Islam. i keep returning to this thought that they lost freedoms in the late 70's and it's now been decades.  it took decades for them to really be ready to risk their own lives to fight for increased freedoms.  humans will tolerate a lot is the sad truth. 

they are rising in russia as well. not when their leaders were killing innocents in Syria and Ukraine, torturing them, using chemical weapons...it's really starting to build because they themselves may be sent to Ukraine to fight a war they have been informed isn't really a war. humans, again, will tolerate a lot before they fight back out of fear of their own loss.  tough to blame the individuals but it is scary.  

here we are on the verge of losing more and more rights here, as the extreme christians want to make this a "christian state". they want it to be an extreme christian state though...that is what the regular christians are not comprehending. they will never be christian enough for these extremists, just like the regular islamists were not extreme enough for the radicals there.

how many rights will we accept losing, how many others lives will be lost before we are really ready to fight back. right now it's just votes and protests...in 50 years what will it be? will it be like iran? things change quickly. 

sending more troops to Ukraine with less training and still less then optimal equipment will not win the war. it could prolong it.  putin is looking more and more desperate. he keeps threatening nuclear. it's all he has really. will he, won't he? no idea.  is there anyone there that will take him out before that happens?  

i am hearing that china is also dealing with it's own issues. people are getting fed up with being forced to live these lives under extremism. how fed up do they have to be to make a change?  how much can they do? n.korea...not sure how much they can do their.  they have little to no access to what other options exist. that isn't true anywhere else. it's a tough thing to do in this world. 

this little guy turned 1 yesterday.  i think that is his official Birthday.  that is when we celebrated. dogs don't really know it's their Birthday but still fun for the humans to mark it. Ivy opened most of his prezzies. he's still not clear on it. we just hit the dog park.  he loves it there.  i've had a headache these past few days.

part of my healing has been to allow myself to listen to my body.  i called out.  i was feeling nauseated with this headache. i really only had 5 minutes to call off as we have to call off for night shift by 4pm and it was nearly 4 when the headache was getting worse, not better. in years past i would have just forced myself to go to work.  our work ethic demanded that we work unless we were incapable of getting ourselves out of bed. fevers, vomiting.  all acceptable. other than that, you went to work. 

i err on the side of me and my mental/physical and emotional health now. our bodies will tell us what we need. i have the benefit of being in a place in life that allows me that.  many across the earth are forced to work no matter how broken they are. i do still have that nagging voice in my head that fears i'll be disciplined or fired for calling out.  so far the world hasn't ended when i get called out for calling out. 

when i put in my pto time yesterday it said i had none when i did so perhaps i'm at too many sick days and i'll get docked without pay, not sure. maybe it will all work out. it is what it is. i won't starve and i won't be homeless this week.  as a nurse, i suspect i could find a job if i needed to. if it came to that. 

work for me is going better and better again.  i can't say i'm excited when my work stretch comes up but i am feeling much less anxiety about work.  even when we have covid patients, we have a way of dealing with them and protecting ourselves. it no longer feels like the crisis it was last year. now it's just allowing myself the time to heal from the stress of the past few years dealing with this unknown and stressful virus. 

we do not just heal overnight.  at least i don't.  i'm sure some roll with things much better than others. for me this was more than just a crisis at work. it was an awakening of who is there for us and who isn't there for us. the politics were also wrapped up in it all. what people actually are willing to believe was eye opening and damaging.  things and people you had faith in turned out to be less than what you had previously believed. 

it wasn't just believing different or being on a different side politically/religiously/medically...it was a complete breakdown of morals/ethics/values...it was people willing to look away from facts, truth, experience, expertise...people willing to buy into crazy conspiracies. so it was more than just a different opinion.  i lost respect for people. 

i found that many had little or no interest in me as a person.  they were not at all people i could count on.  it was the whole, "he's just not that in to you" but it was people who you had convinced yourself were in to you.  you were blood or had just been friends for decades...but at some point it just became too much to accept the world views they had chosen.  their world views, in my views, meant cruelty to others. their world views meant hate and loathing and finding ways to legally destroy others. 

as  far as medicine. the rug was pulled out from under us. things we had been told and made to do for years was tossed aside because we just didn't have enough supplies.  so they fudged the rules because they had to.  then they just hoped that it would work out.  that the supplies they gave us would suffice.  they played loose with our lives because nobody knew what else to do. we were expendable.  i mean, staff was always a bit expendable.  if a patient hits us or hits on us, it was always what could we have done differently. 

it all felt unstable to me.  work, family, government, day to day life.  now, it feels like things are getting more back to some normalcy and yet we are still dealing with the fall out from an over 2 year long pandemic.  the economy will take time globally to recover. many lives were lost and many will have long term effects. it's starting to be more like hiv/aids.  initially, it was they have hiv/aids, that was why they were there. now it's like, they are here for this and that, and oh, by the way, they also have hiv/aids. 

normalcy of some sort will come.  relationships, will they ever recover? i have no idea. it's still the same.  there is a hatred of others and desire for others to be belittled and how do you just accept that in people you once respected. how do you respect them when they have this  hate for those who aren't like them or don't fit in their  box...their impossibly tiny box. not many fit in there...hell, they don't fit in those boxes, they just want to so badly, they convince themselves that they do fit there. 

these are Spencer and Kennicott

with the occasional mushroom tossed in. 

on the glacier.  not an unusual thing for me at this point but still pretty dang cool.  

gotta hop in the shower and then walk the dogs. the sun is out there. no headache at this time.  i did wake up again with one.  that does happen, but there are times when it sticks around for a few days. 

i had some crazy headache dreams this stretch.  can't really remember last nights except that there was someone trying to get in the house or in the house? scary. the night before there was a 8-10 inch diameter spider crawling around the bed.  i eventually killed it...i am a warrior in my sleep apparently, no way i'd be able to do that awake. of course, once it was dead i feared that there was a huge nest somewhere

love this one below of the fall colors and the glacier.  our fall colors are still out but they are quickly turning to brown. the leaves are falling and the snow is creeping down the mountains.  we are past termination dust now. 

i really need to get to the to do list these next few days. not sure why it feels impossible to make appointments. i put it off.  i suspect it means that i will have to follow through and deal with other humans at this appointments. i prefer my days to have zero plan. it's time to start having plans again.  getting my life back to some normalcy, some schedule. time to get things done and to strive for things beyond the basics. 

time to watch less and read more. time to seek out friends and adventures again.  time to allow the life i used to enjoy be enjoyed again. 

i deserve to enjoy this gift of life again.  to get myself off this covid ride we were all forced on. 

restart monday walks, plan for another pumpkin massacre, get WARIS kick started. train the dog...there is much to do and so much i am capable of.  i need to allow myself to shine and glow. allow others to see the person i can be and have been.  

it feels too much like i have  been forgotten. i have to put myself out there again and mix with the other humans.  i still think due to the politics/religion there will  be some limits until that all gets sorted out somehow. 

not everyone i grew up with would be willing to take off their "hijabs and cut off their hair".  i cut off 4-5 inches the other day.  many, most really, are happy to just follow in line.  that is how horrible governments control people for decades. we are passive...but some of us are less passive than others. some of us are more willing to speak out and speak up.  

some one was talking about old souls.  they said perhaps there are also young souls.  those are the ones who are less willing to leave a mark or make a mark. less likely to standup and scream. perhaps i'm just an older soul.  i am willing to get mad and speak out. i'm less concerned with saying the wrong thing. 

better to scream than to sit back and accept the hell that is thrown at you, or watch others suffer because you were too scared to speak out for them. better to fight for others than cower and protect yourself. 

the to do list will get moved on this week.  i will write about all the things i got done in my next post. 

memorial with a view.  i like to imagine my dogs on the past going on the journey with these slow moving glaciers. people were taking photo's of this before i was off the glacier. i saw when i glanced back. doubt the rock stayed out there too long. 

perhaps some therapeutic painting this evening. 

take care of yourself.  allow yourself time to recovery from these past years and whatever things you need to recover from.  we are all doing the best we can with the situations we find ourselves in. look at others and reach out.  there are many who are suffering alone these days. many who have found themselves disconnected from people who they never imagined they would be disconnected from. 

there is beauty out there.  seek it out and let it fill you up. look for the helpers and be a helper. 

thankful for: A. the lessons learned from the difficult times, we are always stronger than we thought and can conquer the things we are faced with B. watching those who are oppressed standing up, being supported and hopefully, finding success in their fight for freedom. C. the furs who have buoyed me up these past few years and given me reasons to get up and out.