fear prevents a full life

 

my little lost litter above. they all passed.  the mom cat did find a home, though. This last litter was also sad. you do things despite fear. This litter had only one survivor.  little Abbyloni. She is in a new home. Her mother was spayed and has just found a home a few days ago. no new litter yet. enjoying the break, i guess. Sometimes your heart will break, but it's always better to take risks than live in fear.

wanted to hit this second No Kings protest. it was between shifts, though. i made a sign so that i was ready. worked PICU the night before. woke before the alarm and headed out.  got downtown and realized i'd forgotten my sign. it had a drawing of Kermit the frog and said he was the leader of Aunt-tifa. these ice raids in big cities have been happening. each city has it's own reaction. Portland has dressed up in costumes, inflatables, and naked bike rides. they just let the crazy fly, and it was perfect. the right tries to make it like the left are terrorists, something to fear. instead, the crowds were interspersed with inflatable frogs. 

i wasn't wearing an inflatable, friends were though. i got downtown and had forgotten my sign. drove home and grabbed it, then returned downtown. we had a very good showing. in the States, over 8million protesters. we were joined by global protests as well.  Sunny joined me. his sign read, I donated my balls to congress. he wore a frog costume. i was concerned the dogs would freak with all the inflatables but he did great. it was easier just having one dog. 

Ivy was fine at home, i think. i also had to stop for a bull moose crossing the road on the way back. the first attempt there was this adorable elderly couple at a bus stop with their signs. it is inspiring. being with like-minded people. knowing you are not alone, not insane. this is happening in our nation. we do have a narcissist wanna be king in office. it gets worse each day. many scare tactics were attempted to keep folks away, but people still came out. you have to. fight while you can. concerns of retaliation and facial recognition tactics. my feeling is i can't easily hide my views, they are out there. I'd much rather stand up and fight however i reasonably can, than stay silent and allow the horrific things to escalate without a fight. 

i got an on call that night, but was quickly called in. overtime so that's nice. worked pcu as their resource nurse.

i'm out ill these past two nights.  i met up with friends who were staying at the Eklutna cabin overnight. i opted out of the sleepover but went up for the afternoon. they had lit a fire in the wood stove and we went to walk. i had noticed wood on top of the stove, left to dry, and i thought it wasn't a good idea but then i didn't speak up. should have. 

when we returned from the lake i opened the cabin door and was hit by a huge cloud of smoke. there was a fire inside. went in several times, once just to see where the fire was and assess it. then i returned a few more times with bowls of water to put out the fire.  i do have chronic lung issues and it wasn't until later that i realized i was impacted. today is better than yesterday. hit the inhalers a bit but increased coughing and sob while out walking. Dr Google said rest and fresh air for mild smoke inhalation. i stripped when i got home, washed clothes and took a shower to get the smoke out of me. everything was coated in smoke. needed eye drops for dry eyes at first as well. everyone else who went in seems totally fine.  they ran in and opened windows to let it air out. one also dragged the wet/burnt wood off the stove and outside.

sometimes you just do what needs to be done without really thinking about it. 

had my upside down flag out Saturday while i was at the No Kings protest. i do have family and friends that went in other parts of the country.  we were called terrorists before hand but the right switched over to calling us ridiculous after it was over 8 million people peacefully protesting. it didn't fit their narrative of horrific and scary antifa types.  they can't figure out that there is no organization antifa, it's just anti fascism. they are actually not the brightest.  they just believe what they are told and repeat thought ending cliche's. hard to fight the stupidity because they are easily moved to the next way of seeing what is happening. it's always changing and they do not have the insight or critical thinking skills to catch on.  lack of educaton, religious indoctrination.

i speak ill of religion, especially the one i was raised in. it's familiar. i won't leave it alone because it never left me alone. the judgement and negative assumptions have always followed me. you can't leave without that being the case.  i've given up trying to prove my goodness or value to the people who stay, they will never see it or believe it. 

i did watch the video from work i was late on, and what it really made me feel is that i am really just done with hearts. the only way out of hearts is to walk away from both ICU and CSU so i asked to have those removed and they said ok.  i thought i'd get more push back. i think they have suspected that i was ready to back off more and more. i'm in my semi-retirement years

i've been an ICU nurse for literally decades now. part of the identity i think. strange to leave that behind. they are getting more and more frugal at work and i suspect things will get worse before they get better because of all the crap in the nation. The government is shut down as the right is trying to prevent the pedophile documents from coming out. The insurance rates are expected to at least double for all of us.  the system is imploding. none of this is sustainable but the greed on the right is never-ending. this orange dick just sees the US money as his own personal. he just tore down the west wing of the people's house. without any permission. after the protest. the orange fool posted a meme of himself wearing a crown in a fighter jet dropping shit all over the protesters. that is a mature and regal president we have.

he's blown up several little boats off the South American coast. Basically murder.  he claims they are drug dealers, but no proof. some were probably just little fishing boats. they would have to refuel like 20 times to make it to the States. 

ice is basically his goons.  faces covered, little training. unfit for service. thugs. they are out of control.  looks like they were trying to invade New York. those New Yorkers aren't having it. 

fall is over and the snow is moving down the mountains. i haven't made it to Powerline to look for bull moose yet this year. i also didn't get to Seward. the tides weren't cooperating, and i wanted to hit an okay tide if i went. 

i made the calendar. the prices are up this year. all the prices are up. was tempted to stop making them. in the end, i found a deal so I could decrease the price and get free shipping. Got my cards done. that is all that is left of the connections in many cases. the annual calendar. I'm sure I'll stop that at some point.  not this year, i guess.

took the dogs to the new monster wash closer to my place. i like it. raised tubs with doors. easy to get dogs in and contain them.

bears will hopefully turn in soon. the temps are finally dropping into the 30'sF. there are frozen lakes in the higher elevations that people are starting to ice skate on. That has gotten more and more popular. wild ice. it is a pretty amazing experience. 

more gear does make more of these activities safer. always risk, but as i'm saying in this post. weigh the risks but live with less fear. bad things can happen at home so you may as well take some risks at times and overcome some fears. there is a rational way to live. not crazy risk but not living in fear. there were apparently nearly 1000 folks stuck on Everest. That is not on my list. beautiful views I'm sure, but not worth the risk and money in my mind for a very short time on the summit. too crowded. i'm not keen on heights. 

these are from trips around/hikes this June. many from a trek to Valdez

below is powerline pass, still some snow.

there was a forest fire off in the distance under the Matanuska Glacier. went there a few times this summer. 

i do have my usual places that i repeat. you never know what you will see out there.

my beautiful girl, Ivy Rose

overall, i feel calmer even though things are so much worse. odd, i guess. i do feel like i voted against this 3 times.  it's on them. they have to come to terms with the mistake they have made, giving this freak and his bumbling band of idiots power. they have harmed themselves the most, even if they can't see it yet. they were tricked and trolled, and one day, many of them will figure that out. the suicide rates are going to skyrocket, i think. 

the farmers and ranchers are starting to get a glimpse of it. next, all the folks on food assistance will be getting gutted. children. nice job Gop. he's sending billions to bail out a country in South America. he wants to support a right-leaning idiot like himself. expand his power in a way, maybe. maybe, just to have a place to escape to. there have always been rumors that Hitler didn't really die of suicide but instead took off to South America. who knows.

crazy, cruel leaders come and go. we have been fairly safe here for generations while hell raged on in other nations. now we will be taken down several notches. he's destroyed who we were in the global standing in a matter of months. it's scary how quickly a nation can be felled. the stupidity of my fellow citizens is depressing. 

here we are, though, at the top of the rickety roller coaster, getting ready to plunge into the abyss. who will save us if we don't fight to save ourselves

makes me more and more grateful i never had kids. what a sorry place to leave behind for the next generations. 

dogs, they just live and are not concerned with tomorrow. i try to live more like they do. 

there was flooding up north in some villages. a typhoon hit. the villagers were rescued, and groups have been returning to pick up the dogs that were left behind. just learned very few cats up north. too expensive to deal with cat litter and food. dogs can eat the salmon, and dry food. 

will there be another election? will there be any fairness in it?  the right is trying to gerrymander the hell out of everything because they can see they wouldn't win without cheating. at this point, it's about releasing the Epstein files. GOP now are protecting pedophiles. all they accuse the left of it turns out they truly are themselves. he's weaponizing the judicial branch against his enemies.  we will find out if any of the original checks and balances will hold through this storm of madness.  the coup of idiots. 

Covi Kitty's 3rd eyelids have been up the past several days.  i had to make various appointments, which i really hate doing. hate committing myself. this stretch i do have things to do. car in for oil change/tire change over, cats in, me in, annual training. at least less icu stuff though.

great lupine year this year. we will settle in to winter again here soon. peaceful

this is the cabin we nearly burned down the other night.

the birds flying south have left. we have our regulars that stick it out all winter. baldies, owls, magpies, crows, ravens, ducks, chickadees. how do those tiny birds do it. 

i'll probably crash early again. fresh air and rest have been helpful. my lungs felt tight yesterday. hit the inhalers more. just used today after the walk. the dogs were happy to get out. met up with friends.

will have to just enjoy photo's of flowers for a bit now. the years fly past in this life. far too fast to waste time in crazy belief systems that prevent you from really living fully.  i'm more and more convinced that organized religion is more bad than good. i guess it may prevent these horrible people from acting on their worst thoughts. more, it feels like atheists do good just because it's the right thing, not out of fear of some future life punishment.

better get off this computer and crash soon. it's after nine. i napped earlier. feel bad not working but also my coughing was getting worse with increased activity. better to take it easy i guess.

another fun summer in Alaska i think. how many more will i be able to enjoy?

grateful for A. critical thinking skills and being brave when bravery was needed. change is always exciting and scary but so worth it. B. the peaceful life i've lived before this orange nincompoop was gifted power by fools C. so many adventures and seeing beautiful places

winter is coming soon...

 

the best revenge is a life well lived or eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow we may die. in the end, it's probably less about revenge or whatnot. it's more about just living. living for what brings you happiness. focusing less on what I should think or feel. concerning myself less with what others think or feel. i just go and live. enjoying each day. not worrying so much about what gets done or doesn't get done. eventually, i have those days where i do get the chores done. if not totally, at least enough. 

there will always be more to do. things to clean and today, more leaves to rake. do some of it then get out there and enjoy the beauty. with all the crap happening in this nation, the end could always be near. 

Mass shootings are a daily occurrence. can't even report on all that has happened since i last wrote a blog. a big right-wing guy was killed and has now become their poster child. his racist, misogynistic and homophobic comments are there, but the right keeps saying all are taken out of context. this is their way of attempting to whitewash the truth of who he really was, but more who they are for revering him. Robert Redford died; his quotes don't need to be watered down or need context to attempt to have a different meaning. he was just a kind person so kind words were spoken. 

as many have said, if you want kind things to be said of you after you die be kind in life. this podcaster doesn't really have that history. he was killed in Utah by a gunman raised Mormon. this has caused backlash, perhaps. the other day, another gunman drove into a Mormon church and started shooting and lit the car on fire. most of these killers lean right, but the right tries to say it's all radical left folks or trans folks. in truth, it's access to guns coupled with lax gun laws and hate-fueled rhetoric. 

the other truth is that many evangelicals who are pushing for white Christian nationalism are using other Christian groups as tools until they gain all the power. The various Christian groups will never agree with each other, so once they do gain power, they will start to fight each other. many do not see Mormons as Christians. this event that happened in Utah just put in the wedge that was already there

religion has a long history of brutality. even after this event. many on the right will say that what everyone needs is more Christianity. sadly for them, this is starting to fall on deaf ears as the younger generations see the many flaws in religion. The extreme views and judgment towards others, coupled with hatred, are not very appealing to a generation raised knowing people of all colors, sexual orientations and religions. these same folks who call for more religion and more following or Jesus are also calling for the end of left-leaning humans, the end of undocumented immigrants, the end of Palestinians...you get the idea.

they are making a saint out of a jerk, though. Flags flown at half staff, he was flown in Air Force 2. They had moments of silence, plan a day of remembrance, they had a memorial service that looked very much like the party/show that is the usual Sunday service for the evangelicals, including pyrotechnics. the grieving widow seems more celebratory than, sad. people grieve differently but this seems very odd. 

my dog door is repaired, thanks MT. today, i do need to tackle the leaves in the yard. they do come down fast. still lots in the trees. they say it's good to leave the leaves down but i need to find the dog poops. i'm also putting up halloween decorations. 

done several day trips since returning from Gustavus. we had a great visit. I flew to Gustavus and we went for a paddle and a boat trip out into Glacier Bay. good weather and nice mushroom-filled walks. 

i skipped a fall drive to Denali as i was pretty beat after the trip. so lots of day trips. chasing fall a bit. also did an overnight at a new cabin with friends. Goetz cabin is beautiful. it's up at Arctic Valley. comfy and cozy, and the fall colors were amazing.  it's been hit and miss. Yesterday I drove to Hope. haven't been there is a bit so that was nice.

was looking for swans a bit too but they were all pretty far off. debating walking up at Powerline today. not sure if there will be extra moose. we are getting closer to rut season and being there with extra moose and Sunny Boy could be tough. He is 4 i guess now. basically skipped his celebrations. these dogs are pretty spoiled so every day is a celebration for them. 

the animals survived me being away. a friend from the dog park watched them. 

i did name the two remaining kittens. Otter and Abbyloni. sadly, before I left for Gustavus, Otter caught the mom's cold, and I had to let him go. I did get the mom and Abby back after I returned, and the baby is now 7 weeks and weighs 1 pound 6.1 ounces. they will return to the shelter on Thursday in search of a new home. she is a bit shy, like her mom. I still can't hold Rosie, though she loves play therapy sessions now. Abby loves to play as well. The little girl just hissed at my friend who visited while her husband fixed the dog door.

she's a miracle kitten, but she is chunky and happy. thriving. so that is great. hopefully, they find good homes. you have to assume the best for them, or you would drive yourself nuts.  

these are spring photos from last year. No more trips to Homer.  i find it gets dark so early. If I lived there, I would love cruising around this time of year. now, though, you end up holed up in the hotel room with nothing to do. 

took some day trips to Matanuska Glacier, Hatchers Pass and to Seward. debating another Seward run this week. i did Portage Valley and then Hope as i said.  it's a lot of driving. between those outings i do local hikes and hunt for mushrooms. 

as usual, if I don't initiate walks with others, it's just me. it does become frustrating to always feel like the main one initiating stuff. I try not to be a bother to people. i just go alone. it could very well be that i am the toxic person. I'm sure I am to some out there. my views are so counter to theirs that i know i am the odd one out and therefore the one seen as toxic, whether i really am or not. i can accept that to some in my life i will always be viewed as toxic. toxic can just mean you say things they do not wish to hear or admit. i can live with that. 

I am who I am. I've changed a lot because I examined my beliefs a lot and questioned things. it's something that I still do. in my view, questioning what feels right and normal is healthy. it's far too easy to just believe what you were told at a young age. it's not possible for any of us to be right about everything, nor were our parents. there are many who do live that lie though. believing that all they think and believe is the absolute and correct truth/reality. it's just not possible. it's also very arrogant and elitist thinking. 

always ironic to me that I have gone 180 on almost all I was taught, but I'm called close-minded. how is that possible? 

I found the mushroom I was hoping to see while I was in Gustavus. also, the amanita there were white and brown, not orange/red like here. I have seen some cool mushrooms again this year. you see nothing if you don't leave your house. the adventures change, but still capable of some adventures in this life. enjoy them while I can.

work. my last two weeks i was in ICU. i do find with my work-related anxiety, often i start to imagine symptoms of things that my patients suffer from. it's been a busy few weeks. try to catch up on education stuff as well. there is one 90-minute video that i've avoided. it's overdue. woke early to get my schedule in. 

constantly on the fence about when to retire. earlier if health care was not a factor. we shall see.

i'll go do yard work after i finish this and then what? where to walk. it's nice outside today. 

lots of play time with the mom and kitten. these days will go fast. great to have these cute kittens. will be nice to send them back and clear out the room again. kittens can be a mess. 

i'm sure another litter will turn up shortly. 

it's almost time for the pumpkin massacre. october 26 if anyone wants to join that reads this. does anyone read this? it's more personal therapy, i guess. I've done my own therapy over the years. probably took much longer and caused more personal angst and pain. i suspect there are more therapists now that understand religious trauma and deconstruction than there were when i would have needed it. 

our country is screwed. sadly, i suspect it will be more and more violent before it improves. the idiot taco at the top continues to serve himself and use the office to enrich himself and his friends and go after his enemies. this is not a productive way to run a country but this is where we are. lives will continue to be lost. it's gonna take something pretty horrific to wake up enough of his cult followers. this death just enraged them further and prepared them mentally to be able to snuff out people on the left guilt-free. i had one person comment to me that i wasn't human. that is what is required. dehumanize as many as possible so their loss isn't a loss at all but justified. they have already accomplished that goal with the undocumented and the trans. 

at my age and skill level leaving the country is not a likely scenario. It would be nice in many ways. i'll just have to live through what hell gets us to the next place. i believe, in the end, the pendulum will swing to a far more positive and progressive place. Will I survive? will the country survive intact or be split up? I have no crystal ball for that.

hate tends to need to explode before it implodes. the hate is in Christianity. so many claim to be patriots who love this country, but so many of us are struggling to understand what they actually love about this country since they seem to hate so much of it. they love being able to call themselves Christians and so the so-called chosen ones. They love having guns and they love owning the libs. beyond that? who knows. 

we were taught in grade school that this nation was a melting pot and i have always loved that. not everyone is on board, even when they are part of the melting pot. they want to hand-select who they include in that melting pot and who doesn't belong. 

nature and the animals couldn't care less about any of the politics. they just try to adapt to whatever Mother Nature or humans toss their way. 

woke early to do my schedule. Finally getting a blog post in. took forever to catch up on the photos. shouldn't let it go so long.. Winter is coming and life slows down. 

i love all the seasons. you just adapt to that as well.  winter causes a slowdown with the darkness and the quiet. the snow just covers the world with a forced peace and silence. 

off to get stuff done. 

thankful for A. safe trips and beautiful sights. B. that i'm still plugging along. C.  the fall colors and the mushrooms that i find. the drama of this place always amazes me.