I hope my absence gives you the peace that my love couldn't

 

saw this quote the other day. it spoke to me. just a reminder of all the time and energy i have often put in to people. it's taken me far too many years to realize that people who really want you in their lives are willing to put in effort. even if that effort is less than in the busy times of life, it should never be so lopsidedly one sided. 

in the end you have to step back and away and see who reaches toward you. surprisingly few it turns out. this in no way lessens how we cared for those people and hoped they would want to be in our lives more; it's just the realization that we all deserve more. you have to love yourself enough to accept that that love is not always returned at the level you hoped or expected.

often these are relationships that are expected to last, blood at times. those expectations can hinder you though. make you work harder, expect more. when i really analyze many of those, i have to be honest with what those relationships weren't. i was a kid, they were all older and doing their own thing. we didn't really all hang out because we were related. overall, my childhood was good. i have many great memories. i was lonely often though. i was always the odd one. the things just didn't work for me. lonely is worse when you are surrounded by people who just don't see you. 

it's funny when i make a comment on fb these days, Maga can't refute things with facts so they go immediately to hateful things, so they think. they love to say I'm a lonely old cat lady.  that is their favorite jab. i'm quite happy as an old cat lady. the word out there is that it's actually men who are finding it tough to find love. women, these days, are just not willing to put up with the bullshit that they have pushed on us for generations. in truth i was just way ahead of the times. for me, if it wasn't a relationship that i really felt could be safe and fun, i wasn't interested. i saw other relationships around me and those did not impress me. 

i saw that women did the bulk of the work and had very little power. things that i like, say cats and dogs and such, well that wasn't going to be something i could enjoy without permission. i also saw women getting harassed for doing what they wanted, when they wanted. like they owed the male, the male just seemed to have all the power and the women had to manipulate the situation to take some power back. i was not interested in marriage the way it was

i found men who could handle independence in women were rare. i was very independent. so those men calling me an old lonely cat lady are very wrong about the lonely part.  sure there were lonely days. it's always better to be lonely on your own than to be involved with people and feel lonely. been there. that is a far worse lonely as it's made worse by hopes and expectations. 

no life is perfect and we all have our own hurdles to jump over. overall, i have found that there is peace and adventure being single. i rarely have arguments and when i do it's some internet troll. i love making a comment that brings the maga's to the forefront. makes it easier to just block them. i have fun blocking them. they are not changing. they have chosen these hate fueled bubbles and no truth will cross over. better to just delete them. then i can live in a bubble without them. i don't need the constant nastiness....i could have gotten married if i wanted that. haha. most marriages end in divorce. others stay married but just tolerate each other or are platonic to raise kids. i'd say very few completely happy marriages out there. i actually think many of my strong independent female friends are in those, because they held out for a partner who liked their independence. they stayed true to who they were rather than bow down to another. 

i have another litter, just for a few weeks since i'm headed to Gustavus at the end of the month i'd also love to do my fall chasing and that would be tough with kittens. this poor mom, i'm calling her Rosie the Riveter, she was trapped and then delivered at the shelter. she had 7 but by the time i picked them up at nearly 2 days 3 had passed. i weighed them and the biggest was 3.1ounces. i'm learning so much (thanks Debbie) they are usually 3.5-4 ounces at birth so these were all underweight. i lost another and then had another go that just wouldn't gain weight. my last two are hanging in there and currently have been gaining 0.4 ounces/day. i weigh them twice. 

these photos of cats are of little Sourdough and Mom, Biscuits. 

it's a strange life. yesterday i had a dead kitten and a protest poster in my car. we got terrible news that Putin was coming to Alaska to meet with Taco. the war criminal and the pedophile. i felt physically ill. i was off so i attended two rally/protests. took the dogs with and they behaved to well. photographed over and over. the rallies were to show Ukraine support since they were not invited to join talks about what to do with the war the criminal started. he could just stop.  taco continues to embarrass in his incompetence and lap dogging of putin.  for sure put has something or many things on him. 

taco literally had military down on their knees rolling out a red carpet for putin, a war criminal.  he was steamrolled by putin, obviously.  he's incompetent. his goons were around town.  rooms were saved in the icu in case one or both of them had a medical emergency.  i was so happy i wasn't working and risking having one of them as a patient. they are gone now. the rallies were quite successful great turn outs. press from all over the world.  the city was short on places for them to all stay i guess so even dorm rooms were used. of course, typical of the taco incompetence, papers and plans were left behind at one of the hotels. 

he is currently using his ice agents and illegally using national guard in DC and other places. DC they are attempting to just take over and lock down. they have turned to harassing the homeless. it's all so ironic. they never have a plan for anything. Reagan kicks the mentally ill to the curb with no assistance and no plan. many become part of the homeless population. they take away support for those with mental health, addictions, veterans support. they take away support for single moms, children, families that are not thriving in a tough economy, again no plan. they when homelessness swells, they round them all up, with no plan. it's the gop way. meanwhile trump is spending tax dollars like it's his own personal bank account. the right raves because he doesn't accept the small paycheck for being potus. instead, he just gives himself everything and anything he wants

i have done several treks and excursions this year. less hiking though. knees, bear activity, i guess. I've hit the dog park a lot. 

i made a trip down to Homer for a low tide. not huge but good enough to enjoy. i also went north to Talkeetna. i stayed 2 nights there and made a drive north. i cruised a ways into the Denali Highway before returning to Talkeetna. the sunsets were beautiful. 

the mushrooms are starting to come out. love this time of year.

won't be long until the colors are going wild. debating day trips but i also need to do some cleaning and prep work for going away. have the dogs set up with a house sitter. that is the most difficult part. leaving the animals. it will be tough taking this litter in. 

the mom is sweet but also not well socialized. haven't held her yet. she is taking snacks from my hands and allowing me to brush and pet her.  there is progress. she is not totally feral. she must have had some positive interactions with humans before she got dumped and trapped.  i bought a new enclosure. it's bigger than expected which means i often am army crawling around in there. I also set up blink camera in front/back yard and i had one that i just left at the dog door, but it's currently the kitten cam. nice to watch without being intrusive.

she clearly is a good mama cat. 

above is from the train to Spencer. have also been out to powerline a few times and various other hikes and walks. just not the usual. every year and every summer is different. 

i chased the fireweed around a bit. always so pretty wanted a few cool photos with fireweed. did miss the big bloom at skilak lake. seems like the fireweed was in rapid ascent this year. crazy. 

wildflowers are a game of chase each summer. will have some good mushroom hunting for a few weeks. 

work has been work. much less stress inducing than it had gotten. overall anxiety is better. i think some of that is letting go. letting go of hope, letting go of people more. having more realistic expectations in life and in relationships with people. it is a bummer at times but it is what it is.

finally signed up and took a felting class so perhaps a new thing to do from time to time.

it was predicted to rain the day we took the train so we got pretty lucky. the weather this summer has either been rain or too hot. too hot in Alaska is 70's. lol. we are wimps for heat, i think.  

life is always changing. you have to be willing to change with it. don't get upset at what you don't do anymore or who you aren't hanging out with anymore. there are new places, new activities and new people. you just have to be able to adapt in this life. 

Biscuits, she really was a sweet kitty. i hope whoever adopted her gives her a wonderful life

rock in the healing garden at work. every so often i get out there on a break. it is nice to get outside.

must clean house. i'm terrible at tasks. better at time wasting than time management. 

the new dishwasher is in. many thanks to MT. had it's first run last night. it was a few weeks of the old washer just being a drying rack. now the old one is on the deck. will have to do a load to the dump. probably after i get back from Gustavus.

i do love these tiny kittens. so sweet.  trying to think of names for these remaining two kittens. a bit anxious to name them yet though.  they are not out of the woods. 

will have to do more cleaning tomorrow...or some cleaning tomorrow. just decluttering. the usual too much stuff issue.

i kept Biscuits a few nights after little Sourdough passed. let her heal and decompress. lots of play therapy. 

not to play therapy with Rosie yet. she's still pretty stressed. the camera view shows her totally at peace with her kittens though which makes me happy. the camera allows that peace. 

these little faces, at least they knew a little love before they passed away. it's a rough start for kittens out there sometimes. 

it can be heartbreaking i'm discovering but it's still giving them a chance they would unlikely have without people to take them in. saw a tik tok i think. this lady had old nursery heated bassinettes for her tiny baby kittens. that's impressive. 

there are mountains all over here. i was hoping it was a cloudy flight for putin. he doesn't deserve to see the majesty of Alaska. he wants to make Alaska part of Russia again. America is a mess but please sell us to Canada if you sell us off, not to Russia!

trump would only want to tear it all up to make money and golf courses. he probably never looked out the window. he'd fall over in the plane. he was unable to walk straight on the red carpet anyway. Ridiculous

these were wildflowers around powerline pass. always a great spot to view the flowers.

the joy of dogs is they could care less where you go. they just want to be out. Sunny has been leashed often since he wants to meet wild animals. luckily, he's pretty good on leash. 

a little ode to Biscuits kittens and now to Rosies lost kittens as well. Rosie at least has a few to still focus on. not sure Biscuits excelled at parenting to be honest. Rosie is super protective.

love watching these little clips of the kittens and mom cat. these babies are so precious. i really wish humans were kinder and more responsible. 

sadly, i work pediatrics so i see that people can be rotten to their own children. now these maga people are a reminder of how hateful humans can be. they are being prepped mentally to allow anything and everything and look the other way or find some way to justify it or defend it. those people deserve it mentality. it's really earth shaking. you had higher hopes for your fellow humans.  well until you really look at history. humans can be awful historically. 

a homer shot from this last trip down there. 

i better go crash. just have wanted to get something in the blog. 

will see how energetic i feel tomorrow. 

thankful for A. like minded folks out there that do care and are good and kind humans. there are many out there. it's easy to forget. B.that those terrible humans are no longer close by. C. that these two kittens are so far gaining weight. 

"good" emotions vs "bad" emotions

 

was thinking the other day about how we were raised to believe that there were good emotions and bad emotions. we were made to believe we needed to suppress all of those bad emotions and only feel good emotions. any bad emotion was a negative reflection of us. such a strange way to screw up people. all emotions are valid. not good or bad. it's really just what you do with your emotion that deems what sort of person you. perhaps this is one of the reasons for all the rage in the right. they have suppressed all those "bad" emotions and they have to be released somewhere.

thought i'd toss in some pictures from a wildlife boat trip out of Seward the other day. i'm trying to have some fun plans for each stretch off. this week it was the train to Spencer Glacier to walk and this boat trip.  the calm seas hit Monday and the weather wasn't bad either. 

because of poor counting skills and trains, we lost 30 minutes. not the worst thing. we saw a large group of humpbacks doing bubble net feeding over and over. that is just an amazing thing to watch. i'll toss more in another time. the top photo is that. we also saw sea lions the seas were calm enough to go where the baby rookery was. 

the whales moved around with each feed, so they did get pretty close to several boats out there.

we went to Holgate Glacier and skipped Aialik on this one. less seals but the captain knew the bubble net feeding was happening so i suspect he was booking to that, which i'm cool with. i'll get out there again one day hopefully. the tourists don't really know what they don't see. 

lots of whale tails and puffins of course.

my litter of kittens, well, not the best experience. it was 4 kittens and a sweet mom. she was extra toed and so were 3 of her 4 kittens. she came to me with a bad cold and the kittens were just 2 days old. i worked hard but sadly, the kittens began to succumb to fading kitten syndrome. kind of like sids but for kittens. they feel sl chilly, can't get them warmed, they stop feeding and then they just pass away.  just not enough immune response to save them. 3 passed within 24 hours. the 4th lasted nearly a week more but was fading like his siblings. i named the Mom Biscuits because she was kneading all the time. so sweet. the last kitten i named Sourdough.

as a foster, it was a tough and sad week. the Mom stayed the holiday weekend after i took Sourdough in for euthanasia. she has since been spayed and found a new home within a few days of being listed. she's a wonderful cat so i really hope she got a good home. sweet Biscuits.

the same day the kittens were all dying a bird flew into my bedroom. the bird had been brought in the house by Covid Kitty. thank you very much.  so it was a bit of an adventure catching and releasing that!

my knees have been pretty sore of late. making my hiking less fun. trying various things to improve them. i suspect getting in the pool for kickboard/swim time may help. it may just be that those muscles need to be strengthened around the knee joint. swimming is amazing, but kind of a hassle. 

just booked Homer for this stretch off. not a great low tide but a little bit of one, plus the fireweed is starting to pop.

a friend is going to fly north and meet me in Gustavus to see Glacier Bay. we will take a boat tour and a kayak tour. will be fun to be there at that time of year. may be some good mushrooms

my dishwasher died so i'll have to replace that. always something, right? i bought it back when i remodeled the kitchen. 2018. stuff just doesn't last that long anymore.

work, 2 days a week is fairly manageable. this week it was RCU the last two nights. not bad. i was a sitter for 5 hours on call back and another night ER.

our country is still falling apart. the right seems determined to turn us into some sort of white supremacy, Christian, dictatorship. they can't pay for education or health care for citizens but are more than willing to toss billions at hiring thugs to kidnap undocumented and even snag citizens. they have built detention camps and have been open about their plan to turn them into some sort of indentured servants.  work will set you free....the same message that was written on Auschwitz during the holocaust. this was the message that greeted the victims there.

most on the right seem oblivious to all of this. happy to sit in their safe bubbles and assume all is normal. it's not hard at all now to understand how this happened. we have all sorts of means of communication and information, but his followers brush off any actual facts as fake news. 

i guess the Epstein connection is waking a few up. i mean he's been associated with this horrible pedophile for decades but i suspect they figured it would just be democrats on the lists going to the island.   his corrupt doj first announced they were examining the lists then said the lists didn't exist. the base was hoping for a gotcha moment for the left but suddenly, many are thinking they may have been duped. suspect many will fall in line again. 

all the horrific stuff and them being lied to about him releasing all the information to own the libs. that is all they really care about is owning the libs.  they never cared about babies or kids. fetuses, yes, but not babies or kids. they are fine with children being ripped from their mothers' arms. they are fine with food being held and then incinerated that was to feed starving children.  this though, is the thing that is starting to wake a few of them up? they voted for a pedophile, many of them 3 times. 

they are usually lying about the orange idiots health but they just announced he has chronic vein issues. he's appeared to have bruising on hands (from iv's?) and his ankles are swollen. congestive heart failure? why tell now, garnish support and sympathy that dear leader is ill and may die. perhaps they will stage a hospitalization or another fake assassination attempt.

the abortion thing is still disastrous. of course, a Florida Gop rep got pregnant, it was found to be ectopic. normally now in Florida the woman would have to wait until she was nearly dead to have the abortion, but she got special permission.  they are clueless about the difference between actual life and potential life. 

it's all disturbing and disgusting. i do not think i can maintain civil conversations with people who are still supporting this horrible regime so i just avoid it. 

nature, like-minded people, kittens. these things distract and save me.

bubble feeding. so amazing.

overall, my heart breaks for the mistreatment of good people who are being taken in the streets, in places that were once safe. taken from work, courts. nothing is out of bounds for these thugs. they get bonus for each person grabbed and now sign on bonuses and high wage with minimal training. they hide their faces, refuse to identify themselves, have no warrants. they have rapidly opened camps in remote and inhospitable places. the disgusting maga cult members take selfies at the signs that are put up. 

fruit and vegetables go unpicked because the farm workers have either not shown up or get nabbed as they work. 

many are out there fighting back on these supposed Ice agents.  following them. videoing them, harassing them where they find shelter or food. 

truth is that the immigrants were a terrible group to go after. they are in homes, at jobs. they keep this nation going. they are this silent work force. the right wants to turn them into even poorer labor, slave labor/indentured servants. these fucker agents are doing sweeps of parks. collecting caregivers of children, putting the kids in vans to be returned to wealthy families who have hired undocumented nannies. not traumatizing at all. they just love kids, right?

they probably would have been more successful if they had gone after homeless people first. that sounds awful i know, but it would have been a group that wasn't as beloved and needed for society to function. 

this asshole regime is taking away refugees who have fled war zones and found safety here. people who helped us in Iraq and Afghanistan. just want to send them back to sure death. they are heartless. 

they ignore the rules and the constitution.  they never suffer any consequences. money rules. 

cormorants.

things are mostly out of my hands and my social media will make me a target at some point. speaking out is all i have at this point.  

sadly, i think the right has to implode before we can even begin to start to try to swing the pendulum back to middle and then to a better place. my positive hope is that it does happen eventually, we then get better education and healthcare. the right who are just trying to take us back to a place where only white men held the power, will be vanquished or at least silenced a bit again.  they fear losing the power, really, they fear that they will be treated, by what was the minority, the way they have treated the minority for generations.

not sure where i will walk tomorrow. i never decide until i decide it seems. i get a slow start every day. i feel like i do get some things done by doing stuff, taking a break, doing more stuff.  

i am the disappeared in my own way. so many have just cut themselves off from the trump supporters. he's had such a huge negative impact on this nation. one thing we do need to do in the future, after this horrible part of our history is getting behind us, is we need to acknowledge what has happened. we need to teach our real history. we need to abolish all the confederacy crap that was allowed to remain.  they were allowed to fly their flags and keep their kkk bull. 

they put a new patient in an ER room the other day. i went into one of my patient's rooms and saw the guy was wearing his maga hat. i was happy another nurse had signed up for him. 

someone had said treat those maga fools like they have treated minorities for years. cross the road, clutch your purse tighter, treat them like they are dirty and less than. i wonder how they came together again in Germany after all that. 

reflection on the boat. above is a spot we ate lunch at years ago on our first paddle of Holgate. we took photos in the ice, which came down much lower. i've paddled out there 3 times. beautiful. 

i can't possibly keep up with all the bad happening, which is the goal for those trying to destroy this nation. they want to overwhelm people so they can take total control. we are supposed to have elections in 2026, the midterms. will they happen? will they be legit? fair? 

i suspect those in power would love to lose the orange fool and have a more controllable vp move into that position.  unfortunately for them, the current vp doesn't have the command of the base that the orange food seems to have. he swept in and took over the cult they were creating. the tea party was taken over by the maga movement and they have less control over that because they have little control over taco. 

would love to wake up and not hear his name or see his face. 

still things to be grateful for A. bubble feeding, always a treat. B. overall good health C. those who fight against this, speak out.