"good" emotions vs "bad" emotions

 

was thinking the other day about how we were raised to believe that there were good emotions and bad emotions. we were made to believe we needed to suppress all of those bad emotions and only feel good emotions. any bad emotion was a negative reflection of us. such a strange way to screw up people. all emotions are valid. not good or bad. it's really just what you do with your emotion that deems what sort of person you. perhaps this is one of the reasons for all the rage in the right. they have suppressed all those "bad" emotions and they have to be released somewhere.

thought i'd toss in some pictures from a wildlife boat trip out of Seward the other day. i'm trying to have some fun plans for each stretch off. this week it was the train to Spencer Glacier to walk and this boat trip.  the calm seas hit Monday and the weather wasn't bad either. 

because of poor counting skills and trains, we lost 30 minutes. not the worst thing. we saw a large group of humpbacks doing bubble net feeding over and over. that is just an amazing thing to watch. i'll toss more in another time. the top photo is that. we also saw sea lions the seas were calm enough to go where the baby rookery was. 

the whales moved around with each feed, so they did get pretty close to several boats out there.

we went to Holgate Glacier and skipped Aialik on this one. less seals but the captain knew the bubble net feeding was happening so i suspect he was booking to that, which i'm cool with. i'll get out there again one day hopefully. the tourists don't really know what they don't see. 

lots of whale tails and puffins of course.

my litter of kittens, well, not the best experience. it was 4 kittens and a sweet mom. she was extra toed and so were 3 of her 4 kittens. she came to me with a bad cold and the kittens were just 2 days old. i worked hard but sadly, the kittens began to succumb to fading kitten syndrome. kind of like sids but for kittens. they feel sl chilly, can't get them warmed, they stop feeding and then they just pass away.  just not enough immune response to save them. 3 passed within 24 hours. the 4th lasted nearly a week more but was fading like his siblings. i named the Mom Biscuits because she was kneading all the time. so sweet. the last kitten i named Sourdough.

as a foster, it was a tough and sad week. the Mom stayed the holiday weekend after i took Sourdough in for euthanasia. she has since been spayed and found a new home within a few days of being listed. she's a wonderful cat so i really hope she got a good home. sweet Biscuits.

the same day the kittens were all dying a bird flew into my bedroom. the bird had been brought in the house by Covid Kitty. thank you very much.  so it was a bit of an adventure catching and releasing that!

my knees have been pretty sore of late. making my hiking less fun. trying various things to improve them. i suspect getting in the pool for kickboard/swim time may help. it may just be that those muscles need to be strengthened around the knee joint. swimming is amazing, but kind of a hassle. 

just booked Homer for this stretch off. not a great low tide but a little bit of one, plus the fireweed is starting to pop.

a friend is going to fly north and meet me in Gustavus to see Glacier Bay. we will take a boat tour and a kayak tour. will be fun to be there at that time of year. may be some good mushrooms

my dishwasher died so i'll have to replace that. always something, right? i bought it back when i remodeled the kitchen. 2018. stuff just doesn't last that long anymore.

work, 2 days a week is fairly manageable. this week it was RCU the last two nights. not bad. i was a sitter for 5 hours on call back and another night ER.

our country is still falling apart. the right seems determined to turn us into some sort of white supremacy, Christian, dictatorship. they can't pay for education or health care for citizens but are more than willing to toss billions at hiring thugs to kidnap undocumented and even snag citizens. they have built detention camps and have been open about their plan to turn them into some sort of indentured servants.  work will set you free....the same message that was written on Auschwitz during the holocaust. this was the message that greeted the victims there.

most on the right seem oblivious to all of this. happy to sit in their safe bubbles and assume all is normal. it's not hard at all now to understand how this happened. we have all sorts of means of communication and information, but his followers brush off any actual facts as fake news. 

i guess the Epstein connection is waking a few up. i mean he's been associated with this horrible pedophile for decades but i suspect they figured it would just be democrats on the lists going to the island.   his corrupt doj first announced they were examining the lists then said the lists didn't exist. the base was hoping for a gotcha moment for the left but suddenly, many are thinking they may have been duped. suspect many will fall in line again. 

all the horrific stuff and them being lied to about him releasing all the information to own the libs. that is all they really care about is owning the libs.  they never cared about babies or kids. fetuses, yes, but not babies or kids. they are fine with children being ripped from their mothers' arms. they are fine with food being held and then incinerated that was to feed starving children.  this though, is the thing that is starting to wake a few of them up? they voted for a pedophile, many of them 3 times. 

they are usually lying about the orange idiots health but they just announced he has chronic vein issues. he's appeared to have bruising on hands (from iv's?) and his ankles are swollen. congestive heart failure? why tell now, garnish support and sympathy that dear leader is ill and may die. perhaps they will stage a hospitalization or another fake assassination attempt.

the abortion thing is still disastrous. of course, a Florida Gop rep got pregnant, it was found to be ectopic. normally now in Florida the woman would have to wait until she was nearly dead to have the abortion, but she got special permission.  they are clueless about the difference between actual life and potential life. 

it's all disturbing and disgusting. i do not think i can maintain civil conversations with people who are still supporting this horrible regime so i just avoid it. 

nature, like-minded people, kittens. these things distract and save me.

bubble feeding. so amazing.

overall, my heart breaks for the mistreatment of good people who are being taken in the streets, in places that were once safe. taken from work, courts. nothing is out of bounds for these thugs. they get bonus for each person grabbed and now sign on bonuses and high wage with minimal training. they hide their faces, refuse to identify themselves, have no warrants. they have rapidly opened camps in remote and inhospitable places. the disgusting maga cult members take selfies at the signs that are put up. 

fruit and vegetables go unpicked because the farm workers have either not shown up or get nabbed as they work. 

many are out there fighting back on these supposed Ice agents.  following them. videoing them, harassing them where they find shelter or food. 

truth is that the immigrants were a terrible group to go after. they are in homes, at jobs. they keep this nation going. they are this silent work force. the right wants to turn them into even poorer labor, slave labor/indentured servants. these fucker agents are doing sweeps of parks. collecting caregivers of children, putting the kids in vans to be returned to wealthy families who have hired undocumented nannies. not traumatizing at all. they just love kids, right?

they probably would have been more successful if they had gone after homeless people first. that sounds awful i know, but it would have been a group that wasn't as beloved and needed for society to function. 

this asshole regime is taking away refugees who have fled war zones and found safety here. people who helped us in Iraq and Afghanistan. just want to send them back to sure death. they are heartless. 

they ignore the rules and the constitution.  they never suffer any consequences. money rules. 

cormorants.

things are mostly out of my hands and my social media will make me a target at some point. speaking out is all i have at this point.  

sadly, i think the right has to implode before we can even begin to start to try to swing the pendulum back to middle and then to a better place. my positive hope is that it does happen eventually, we then get better education and healthcare. the right who are just trying to take us back to a place where only white men held the power, will be vanquished or at least silenced a bit again.  they fear losing the power, really, they fear that they will be treated, by what was the minority, the way they have treated the minority for generations.

not sure where i will walk tomorrow. i never decide until i decide it seems. i get a slow start every day. i feel like i do get some things done by doing stuff, taking a break, doing more stuff.  

i am the disappeared in my own way. so many have just cut themselves off from the trump supporters. he's had such a huge negative impact on this nation. one thing we do need to do in the future, after this horrible part of our history is getting behind us, is we need to acknowledge what has happened. we need to teach our real history. we need to abolish all the confederacy crap that was allowed to remain.  they were allowed to fly their flags and keep their kkk bull. 

they put a new patient in an ER room the other day. i went into one of my patient's rooms and saw the guy was wearing his maga hat. i was happy another nurse had signed up for him. 

someone had said treat those maga fools like they have treated minorities for years. cross the road, clutch your purse tighter, treat them like they are dirty and less than. i wonder how they came together again in Germany after all that. 

reflection on the boat. above is a spot we ate lunch at years ago on our first paddle of Holgate. we took photos in the ice, which came down much lower. i've paddled out there 3 times. beautiful. 

i can't possibly keep up with all the bad happening, which is the goal for those trying to destroy this nation. they want to overwhelm people so they can take total control. we are supposed to have elections in 2026, the midterms. will they happen? will they be legit? fair? 

i suspect those in power would love to lose the orange fool and have a more controllable vp move into that position.  unfortunately for them, the current vp doesn't have the command of the base that the orange food seems to have. he swept in and took over the cult they were creating. the tea party was taken over by the maga movement and they have less control over that because they have little control over taco. 

would love to wake up and not hear his name or see his face. 

still things to be grateful for A. bubble feeding, always a treat. B. overall good health C. those who fight against this, speak out. 

enjoying my days off...except the dentist part.

 

at this moment i am hungry and the dogs are hungry and i have a little headache.  lots of little headaches.  addiction to excedrin at times i'm sure. the caffeine thing.  i'm not a coffee drinker at all. i figure the occasional aspirin is not a bad thing at this age. 

recovery from work is longer than it was a few years ago. i've always heard of people hitting the wall when it comes to nightshift. until the past year or so the wall didn't exist for me really. the walks between shifts get missed more than they used to and that day after my stretch i'm more beat than i once was. 

makes me lean more towards retiring from Prov before next summer seem more appealing. find some other job to get insurance for a few years. i don't really want to work a full 12 hour day shift though.  what to find that will be less stressful, provide insurance and still allow me the freedom i've grown used to? i have some time this winter to plan so i will enjoy this summer as it is. 

so far it's been a cloudy and breezy summer.  May is often the little Alaskan secret.  we tend to have great weather and lower tourist numbers.  the tourist season is coming sooner and ending later though. people are discovering our secret. 

i am finding post covid i have to plan more and can't be as spontaneous as i was in the past.  things fill up super fast.  hotels are just not as available. bummer as i do like to just look at weather and take off. 

my plan for today is blog then head to Seward for a day trip.  i've done a few day trips this stretch off so far. 

there is a little sea star inside the above shell...so cute. 

on Saturday i ended up in Portage Valley.  was debating a Seward run that day but there was a window in Portage where the weather wasn't bad and i'd gotten a late start. so i walked part of the trail of blue ice with the dogs.  trails closer to Anchorage are getting more and more packed.  i ran into fewer people there.  the weather probably also helped that. fair weather walkers. 

after that we headed to Byron Glacier walk. there are big snow piles down low that make for nice photo ops and the dogs love any and all snow. the actual glacier has receded back super far from when i first got to Alaska. still quite a few tourists made the short trek and several were climbing far up the pretty unstable snow pack. not the wisest. i tend to not stay too long for fear my services may be required. 

Sunday i headed to the Matanuska Glacier. always a favorite with the dogs as well. the owner of the access knows me at this point and i just text them early in the day to see if they are cool with me coming. 

they have been nice so far. the weather cleared as we got closer and the light was like above, right on the glacier. they have altered the route they take the tours as the glacier has receded and this part is more open.  i guess the area to the left, where they used to go, has gotten pretty muddy and more difficult for the tourists to walk on. 

there were still some nice kettle ponds for the dogs to play in and they are now stained with glacial silt. 

both nights i ended the day having dinner with friends so that was nice. 

yesterday i woke early. needed to as it was the day to put our schedules in. they allow those of us that have been there 10+ years to go a day early. i still kind of panic about it all. i can manage icu patients but krono's is always a challenge for me. i'm pretty much of the opinion that these corporations like krono's because it makes it impossible for us to know if we are getting paid accurately. i'm sure i've lost money due to the complicated system. 

now they have us clocking in/out for lunches. it all makes me feel like i work at McDonalds and not like i'm a professional at all.  so it's really annoying.  i just try to remind myself that it's not that much longer before i can walk away from all of it. all the annoying stuff. 

work my last week was CSU and the ICU. not bad nights really. kept steady. 

today i trimmed my hair a bit.  really should make an appointment. need to make a Dr appointment as well and i want to get in the old colonoscopy this fall.  all so exciting. 

the lupine are popping out all over.  love the lupine.  it feels like everything is just a bit delayed this year.  lots of snow and a slow spring. 

my nieces should get some great flowers though, so that is always good. 

haven't seen any critters really these past few weeks.  i'd seen enough the first part of spring. don't really enjoy running into them on the trails...from the car is fine though. 

these knots are bad today.  no idea what caused that. 

yesterday was a lazy day.  could have gotten out, probably should have. after the schedule crap i had the dentist appointment for a cleaning. that is always stressful as well. some ptsd from previous years of dental stuff i suspect. always waiting during a cleaning for some instant pain.  none happened.  the one dentist felt that an old filling should be changed to a crown as that tooth is getting some cracking. 

part of you feels like, do what you can.  i don't think the dental/vision stuff is the greatest after you retire. it's extra charge i think. just as peoples teeth and vision and hearing get worse, there is no coverage. our system is archaic and cruel really. have no idea why the GOP is so against basic care for our citizens.  they don't want to spend money, fear it's socialism.  the rest of the free world has these as basic.  why shouldn't you want a citizenry that is both healthy and educated.  that is the question for those who support the GOP....why don't you want this for your fellow citizens. 

i suspect many of them dream of being those top earners and the American Dream scenario has convinced them that they will rise above all the others and when they do they want all the protections that have gone to the wealthy to apply to them.  silly as most of them will never rise to the level they aspire to.

i suspect their religious views set them up for this as well. this belief that you were purposely born to the right religion.  that somehow your religion/church is the correct one.  that all the other humans on earth were not as worthy as you since they ended up in those other churches, other religions. our ego wants us to be right, to be better than others. 

it's all pretty silly really. where we end up as far as religion has more to do with where we are born rather than some predetermined plan. like most things.....there are always more ways to get to the same place. i've seen this in medicine.  there are many different treatment plans/options.  these are also often determined by where you physician went to school, what experiences they had in training...what papers they have read. 

our morals/values and ethics come from many places and can alter depending on where you live, religions, parents, school. you do not require a religion to have these things, as a matter of fact, i think i trust those who do not have religion forced down their throat with fear tactics to have a more solid base at times. you shouldn't not kill people are rape people just because a religion tells you not to.  you should not do those things because you are decent and those things are just indecent. that isn't to say you can't get morals/values and ethics through religion, but i'm just tired of this attitude that the religous right has the corner on these things.  they also claim to have the corner on all things patriotic.  

the GOP has convinced many people that you can't be moral if you do not vote for them. that somehow, to vote for a Democrat or Independent is proof of evil. this blending of their religious fears and politics is really destructive to our society.  it is currently the downfall of our society. we must find a way to break these religious/political ties. 

the orange fool has been indicted. he is headed to court again.  somehow anything he does is okay as anything the GOP does is okay. if the Dems do it, it's a sin, satanic. they are acting like it's horrific for anyone to go after a former potus, like it's disrespectful and damaging to society. they always forget that for probably most of my life, they have been trying to arrest Dems.  somehow it's always their side that ends up on the wrong side of the law...or mostly their side. 

the witch hunt they like to say this all is...well they have been doing witch hunts on Dems for generations now.  sadly for them, theirs have been true witch hunts as they have never really had any facts to back up their accusations. so nothing comes of their goals to lock up their presumed enemies on the other side. the facts do rain down on their side.  it leaves me to think that either they are the most incompetent investigators that exist, they are wrong and the left isn't as evil as they say, or the left is incredibly brilliant and well connected so as to be able to exist in these insane conspiracies that the right creates.  the most logical is that the left isn't as evil....that it's really the right that is perpetrating all these crazy and illegal things they accuse the left of. 

i think we are just scaping the top of the hellscape  that the orange fool is involved with.  i suspect, like so many others, that these documents were meant to benefit him financially.  he was in deep with some of these leaders from rus and saudi.  he is a fool and it seems obvious that he would do illegal things to get in good with these leaders. a lot of money trails seem to lead that direction. we may not know for years how extensive the corruption in this administration was....we may never know all the details. 

they continue to defend him. they continue to spew insane and unprovable conspiracy theories on their "news" sites. many on the right only "trust" those "news" sources so they don't have a clue what is going on. 

they have been groomed by fundamentalist beliefs and the GOP to only listen and trust certain sources and to believe that all else are of Satan and lying. they have peacefully gone done a rabbit hole of insane conspiracies that if they really just looked at sensibly they would see how stupid these theories are.  they won't though.  they will just devour the meat that is delivered to them.  victimhood has become a way of life.  they are the last fighters in the run to the second coming...which has been coming for a few thousand years now. prophecies that never seem to come true. 

the orange fool had reams of government papers stored in a place that wasn't secure...he bathroom for one.  he had these boxes moved about to avoid them being taken away from him. he knew he couldn't actually just decide in his head to declassify things.  he lied to everyone, as he always does. he lied to his lawyers.  he just seems to use people for their complete loyalty to him and then he just as easily tosses them under the bus and moves onto the next victim.  it's all, always about him and what he can get out of things. 

it's kind of shocking that someone hasn't gotten pissed off enough with him to have killed him outright. he surrounds himself with fawning fools though who would be willing to die for him.  he's a cult leader and he has brainwashed a large percentage of our populance to buy into his bull.  sadly, many of those people have made their way into positions of power in our nation. it will be decades clearing this out and getting us back to some semblance of normalcy. will we ever? will i see it in my life time? 

mostly, i tell myself this is all the last stand for many who yearn for the old life that benefitted the few over the many.  they don't realize that many of them would have never benefitted in that life and will never if it returned. people like the orange fool see most of their voters as idiots that they can easily manipulate.  they are a used subgroup of people that would be kicked to the curb if needed. 

one poster was talking about how these NRA fools believe the founding fathers wanted well regulated militias that would protect against a corrupt government.  the founders were the ones who would be the corrupt government.  only land owning white males had power at that time. the last thing they would have wanted was a bunch of non-land owning, non white people having guns and to be able to take them out. the state militias were originally to quell slave uprisings. this amendment really lost it's original meaning when those in power decided we did need a standing military in this nation.  before that our military was very small. states did not want to send their milita members away from their states to fight for the larger nation because it would leave them vulnerable to slave uprisings and the other non land owners. 

it's nearly 11. i still need to feed the dogs and myself.  still trying to do the 12 hour fasts. don't think i've lost weight but i don't really ever weigh myself. need to do more exercises besides just walking. 

better get this day started.  i do enjoy a drive. Ivy is no fan of the seat belt. i like that they are more under control in the car though. even just when i have to brake hard.  they no longer go flying. 

when i got home from the dentist yesterday i just went back to bed.  it was a pretty lazy day after that.  some tennis ball time in the yard and computer games/reading. watching reruns. i have to turn off my brain some days i think. 

like this leaping shot of the sea lions.  

i have a few photo's to look through but i'll try to do that tonight perhaps.  paint some rocks. i need more rocks for hiding. i did hide one out at the glacier. 

another Birthday is in the rear view.  not really looking forward to 60.  seems crazy how fast it all really goes.  it's a gift though, each day.  so many never get this far.  i think being around all the death and loss has taken a toll on me as well.  just another reason to get away from the bedside. 

sometimes i think urgent care or infusion center.  day surgery, except they have to get there really early.  i'm no fan of really early. a lot of factors. 

it's all about winding down.  some have said, oh you will be bored in an urgent care...i'm ready to be bored i think. it is exciting and i think sometimes the reason i keep doing holds is that it's like some sick challenge for me.  i've mostly mastered some of the other units over the years so these holds are a less critical way for me to still get the challenge that i seem to need. i think many of us like/need that adrenal rush and do well under that pressure.  so strange really, that i can be so calm in absolute madness at work and yet, i can have so much anxiety in my day to day life.  i suspect it's just that in the day to day i am safe to feel the things i do not allow myself to feel at work in the constant crisis/stress of that world. 

thankful for A. the Alaskan beauty that never ceases to mesmorize me. B.  adventure days and lazy days and the absolute privilege i've had to enjoy both. C. the furs that keep me together and keep me sane and give me a reason to get out of bed on those days when i want to just do nothing.