babbling because that is my brain

 

It's grey out there right now. I'll head out for a walk in a bit, but delay for a bit. The dogs don't really care when, just that we go. 

We warmed up a bit, 20's-low 30's F. so ice hearts were on hold. melting fast. the temps are cooler, but the days are longer so the hearts start to melt by the afternoon.

still great for photo ops. brightens up the winter days.

this stretch off has been dedicated to Olympic watching. it started with some coverage of the fools from DC with their ICE thugs. there were protests in Italy. thank you. now it's mostly just Olympic coverage. the orange fool trashes any athlete that even hints at being kind to neighbors or speaking out about what is happening. he's the biggest wimp. the males around him are also wimpy and subservient to him, which is ironic since these same men want women to be subservient. they don't see how it looks on them. i have no intention of being subservient. 

there are claims that they have pulled back in Minnesota on their ICE activities. mostly, it appears they have just changed some tactics. for people who want to bypass laws to export people they are now working hard to create more and more concentration camps. they drop people out of detention in the middle of the night at times without their phones or warm clothing. a group works to collect them. there are people looking into woods as well since these asses have been known to drop people out there.

i have backed away more and more from any of his supporters. it's just hard to respect the views that are so destructive and cruel. a guy at work started to talk about how Pretti somehow deserved what he got. i just said, that is just an argument here so i'm walking away.

between covid and the orange fools shenanigans i have backed way off of many in my life.   there was also the cruel and hateful message for me. it was just one of those eye opening moments in life. a very specific apology was fine but it spoke truths. once i left the church, the worse would be assumed of me. no matter who i became i would always be seen as less. after years of killing myself trying to prove my worth,i accepted that my worth is never going to be proven because i simply have no worth after leaving. there are certain things in life where people can apologize but really, they have demonstrated who they really are. you should never allow them back in.

the "forgiveness" is going to be more for your sanity than for any sort of rebuilding.the old forgive and forget is really something pushed by those who need you to forgive and forget so they can keep repeating the bad behaviour. it puts it on the wronged to be the better person over and over, while allowing the one who puts out the negative to just move on. you can't make yourself suffer long so you have to just let it go to a degree but then put up boundaries and make decisions about how much contact you will allow. 

some rough days in these past years but i am grateful because i feel like i'm not in a more happy and peaceful place. 

just need to start planning for this coming summer. road trips mostly. my work weekends fall mostly on the good low tides. may need to expand my vacation ideas.  we shall see. i do enjoy Homer with the dogs.

bear in the  bear tree this last summer

lost this whole litter. fear i'm getting a reputation as a kitten killer.i hope not. no new kittens for a bit. 

fur rondy and iditorod are coming up. break up comes pretty fast after that. the light is lasting longer each day.

mom was ill and babys underweight.

i am getting better prepared and learning more and more about attempting to help these tiny kittens. reading a book about fostering kittens. 

have been enjoying the kitten time despite my failings.  i will always remember Poppers. the things i should have had.  mostly, just being more confident in my gut feelings about their issues.

still want to spend some time in Yakutat. repeats of other places always good too. things different every time you visit a place

things change here so fast you could visit the same place different weeks and the change would be dramatic.

the Epstein/trump files are showing more and more depravity. our rouge leaders are doing all they can to hide and lie about what may be in there.nothing to see here...look at the dow. it would be more ridiculous if there wasn't a percentage of the population who can't be bothered to actually research anything and simply accept what these idiots tell them.

on the plus side, even though our country is refusing to do anything about these pedophile/possible murderers, the rest of the world is starting to step up and do their own investigations.  

justice moves frustratingly slow but you have to have some faith and hope that many will eventually have to pay a price for their behavior and association. in other nations some have lost positions. 

my sweet puppies!

many of these are from a drive to Valdez. always a great road trip

often with a stop at Matanuska Glacier. never get bored of these views.

most of my walks have been in N biv and at the dog park.  a few beach treks though. 

during the warm spell the roads to Manitoba got to be slush/ponds and glare ice. in the end, i opted out of the Manitoba night.  i'm not the best winter road driver. i mean, i have done some scary drives very safely, but it's very anxiety inducing.  you have to decide if the overnight is worth the anxiety and the risk. really just wasn't. i was watching the road conditions and getting myself more and more worked up.semi's were chaining up.if you drive safe and slow, it frustrates other drivers and they can do stupid things. if you don't go for it, you can be viewed as a wimp.  it's like a no win. why can't you drive on bad roads vs why are you driving on bad roads if you aren't skilled enough. in truth, i have driven many hazards and done well. it's honestly, more the anxiety than the skill.

work.  haven't had to work icu or csu lately despite being told it wouldn't be taken off my list. they haven't really set up for me to orient other places. i just work 2 shifts/week.  tried to just alter my attitude. it's just for the insurance. have done a lot of hold days, which is fine.  also pulled a pcu shift with the 5 patients. not a safe staffing ratio. i think i feel like i have told them i don't feel like my skills are at optimal in csu/icu so in my mind, that is documented. it gives me a cushion really. unless you work icu continuously it can be tough to keep up those skills 

forget me not. love these beautiful little flowers.

how Sunny Boy often sleeps in the car at the end of a long drive. doesn't look that comfy but it's what he does.

this below is the top of Thompson Pass.

these dogs have a pretty good life. Ivy Rose turns 10 this week. crazy. i have made an appointment for a swim day Sunday.she always loves that.  her knee has been pretty sore. the one that didn't have surgery i think. 

have been a bit of a hermit of late. it's all overwhelming at times. our government madness and those that support this. it really just makes it tough to get motivated. it's just always there, wearing you down.  something you can't control.  

i will hop in shower after this and get out with the dogs. supposed to snow today. a few flakes have come down. head back to work in a few days. 

my patients seem to appreciate me overall and most of my co-workers as well. the joy of holds is often the annoying patients get rooms and leave. was happy with one very entitled guy who got a room last week. whew! would have been a long night with him. just complaining from the moment i arrived.

was thinking today, watching Olympics, that making the people of different nations not like each other is harder and harder. social media, more access to travel and information.  people have mixed and mingled, married, had kids. those kids are now choosing which nation to do their sport in. previously, you just had no idea who those people were in other nations.  it's just harder to trash others now. unless, of course,  you have put yourself in a bubble.even those people are usually introduced to various people from different walks of life. there are less people who have never met someone a different hue than them or a different sexuality or religion or culture. to still be hateful, takes more work now i think...which is maybe why those that remain hate filled are super hate filled.it takes work and dedication at this point.

this is Valdez as well. so beautiful. 

love the art in the various communities.

Miss Breezy Chatterbug. thin but seems to be doing well. active and happy.

flowers in Valdez near the old community site.a nice place to walk i find

our new favorite place to stay. this cabin in the campground.

also love walking the pipeline to/from Valdez. often loads of wildflowers out there, if you hit it right.

the dogs and i love many breaks on a long drive, and that drive is a long drive.

great views

below is sheep mountains, almost home

out of order, but below is part of the old Valdez community.

sweet sleeping Covid Cat

grateful for: A. peace B. all the adventures,big and small C. the olympics and all the nations coming together to play sports and compete in peace.

is feeling a bit peeved....

so i thought i would clear my head and try to move the day forward in a better spirit. 

a few positive encounters before i even leave the house...

i heard the recycling truck pull up as did the dogs.  my recycling was lifted up and then it stopped and i heard the guy jump out of the truck.  i feared there was some issue with the recycling or something...but he jumped out and zipped over to the little free library and selected a book and jumped right back into the truck.  

next time i woke up it was the neighborhood watch neighbor out and about.  he recently had a stroke, i'd been concerned because he hadn't been out and about.  he's back out there though.  still smoking, but shuffling around.  he's taken to moving everyone's trashcans back from the curb after pick up. 

yesterday i got a walk in at Kincaid.  it's cloudy out today which makes moving slower i think.  i have a list of appointments to schedule.  i hate doing that i think because it means i will be obligated time wise soon.  

covid has put off the usual appointments though.  it's time to get back to it. 

i'm currently sitting on the edge of the seat since Covi Cat as claimed the office chair for his nap.  i had to stop mid bed linen change as Ivy claimed it as her nap spot. this is the life i live. 

more frustrated than peeved i guess.  it shouldn't surprise or bother me but i am human and things will bother me.  

no matter what i do the worst will be assumed of me but another sibling, it doesn't matter what he does, he is forgiven, excused and welcomed.  i can't fix it, i can't change it.  i am trying hard to just change my reaction to it...some days are just easier than others. is it that i left the church? is he just more likeable? is it a male/female thing? females are often seen as hysterical in this world and males as rational, no matter what. 

we did a loop in Jodphur yesterday, not too much ice and the big puddles that are usually there have dried up enough to pass by.  the loop took us to the trail along the coast that leads back to the dunes. 

of course, i'm always a bit anxious of the drop off's and Tuskers tendency to chase various small animals...and Ivy's tendency to follow him.   especially after her surgery.  so i was calling out, "on trail" often.  probably a good idea anyway since i ran into some other walkers who had just seen a brown bear.  i had bear spray, they did not. 

watched a bit of a program on Sept 11.  i was literally in the middle of nowhere for that day so i was protected a bit from the hell of it. hearing the stories of those who barely got out of the towers. who saw the bodies laying about of those who were desperate and jumped, who saw and heard those bodies hit the ground.  those who had to make choices that nobody should ever have to make.  it really just sounds so horrific.  the terror so many endured for those hours is just impossible to comprehend.  

i left another painted rock out at the dunes.  kind of a fun little game.  may do some more painting.  it should relax and refocus me.  i also have been wanting to get back on the guitar and perhaps writing more.  kids songs perhaps. could be fun. 

it looks like some glimpses of sunshine are appearing out here.  i may have to head out there soon.  

started the process of ripping out stuff in the downstairs bath.  thinking i'd like to find hexagon tile for both bathrooms...perhaps a dark grey downstairs and white upstairs. took measurements again and will need to start pricing it out. the downstairs will need a new toilet, the one that is in there is pretty old. 

it's a bother dealing with the washer and dryer but i know the folks that lay tile do deal with that stuff. i'll try to rip out what i can to decrease the demo time they have to deal with....also to make sure they don't just put the tile on top of several layers of old stuff like they did upstairs. 

the upstairs tile was done once but i've never really been happy with it.  time to repair it.  

the doors will be next project after i get the floors done.  i tried a little spruce on the downstairs door with paint but i'm not all that keen on that now either. 

will probably do that new waterproof flooring downstairs. still deciding about the stairs.  really hate carpet, but also have to make sure it's not too slippery for dogs and me. also how expensive will it be? would like new railing as well. 

dread moving all the stuff too....though the best thing in life is moving out of a space and purging the crap that is there. 

young bald eagle

on occasion i was able to get the dogs to relax....not easy

Ivy is feeling especially Ivy like these days which is great...she is back

the quote i'm trying to fix in my head today..." why stress over someone who doesn't even ask if you're okay?" unknown...but again. so true. 

Covid has been very good at making clear a few things in this life...what i do with that information is up to me of course. keep hoping and beating myself up or let go and walk away.  neither is really an easy choice, but it is still a choice. 

old barrels on the beach...

the new car is getting 30mpg. not bad.  it is nice to be at the gas station less...when i do go the savings from Fred or Carrs will have collected for a longer time and increase my savings at the pump. 

as i tossed tp in the cart the other day i was thinking that forevermore folks from this time will probably always make sure they are well stocked with toilet paper and cleaning supplies.

some of us are meant to travel mostly alone in this world.  it's not always easy. i try to see it as the lesson that i must have wanted to learn.  standing on my own.  i always feel we have lessons we wish to learn in each life and ways are created to help us with our goals.  the struggle is something we asked for perhaps to become more enlightened in a specific area...for me, this also explains why we should try hard to not judge others paths.  none of it is easy. 

sometimes i have the urge to judge hard.  people can be so frustrating.  life can feel so unfair. 

then i remind myself of all the great gifts this life has brought me.  many that are above and beyond what others have. i do not deserve any of it more than any one else.  luck of the draw in some ways, in other ways you will balance the good with a dose of the difficult. 

i just don't like to be fake about it all.  i can't stand the culture of pretending that lives are perfect when they are really all just a mixture of perfect and terrible.  loved and lonely.  sadness and joy.  

guess i could make the bed and a few appointments! Ivy has moved and Covid Cat is shifting 

laundry to be done.  

and that is how we get through the difficult days.  we plug away, doing the tasks, getting ourselves up and out.  for me, walking, feeling the sunshine.  seeing the beauty that is out there.  getting in some cat and dog time.  reading, writing...

on days when you are frustrated or peeved or anxious...you pull up, re-focus and start again in hopes it reboots you.  

we will all end up buried or cremated or some other thing in the end...we have today.  best to not let myself get mired in the murkiness of life. 

many lessons to take from dogs.  they never seem to let crap bug them. they have loyalty that is unmatched.  they seem incapable of seeing any negative in me.  

dogs are happy with the simply things of daily life.  a tennis ball thrown, a treat, a pet.  

why do i make my own life so much more complicated that i have to? why do i allow others to have a negative impact on the days i have to exist. 

ashes to ashes....

or for us up here, season to season.  it changes daily.  each day is a new start. 

i will be off to conquer the day...or at least just the laundry. 

do not waste your time on those who haven't bothered to see if you are okay...if a pandemic can't make them be bothered to ask, when you work in the thick of it..it was never going to happen.  

mostly, i miss my Mom.  every day.  we used to speak almost every day. i miss that constant in my life.  i know i hoped that others in the family would some how be able to help fill that hole...but the truth is that was never going to happen. they have had their own lives, before and after her death. that loss will never be filled.  as a single person, it meant the world to have one person who cared each day about your existence and the little details of your life. 

it's been years since she passed and yet here i am...still missing her.  

she would have loved the color of my new car.  

heard the sand hills as i walked yesterday.  such cool birds.  

i guess i better get the day started...i start slow every day.  i have my list...i better start checking off those boxes!

hang in there.  

thankful for A. tiny signs of spring B. the love of the critters in my life.  C.  baking and cooking...