still working on first run through of the Swift album...do we still call them albums?

 

so far much of the album songs like one long song.  with her you really do have to focus on the lyrics.  her real "swiftie" fans seem to see all the twists and inner meanings more than i ever will. she has dated the time it covers. i suspect after all the years writing with an intent to please others in some way...this one is cathartic.  it's her raw emotion laid out for her own purpose.  i mean she's a billionaire.  who does she need to please really. she sold so many albums on day one.  

there are a few stand outs already for me. will listen again. was listening at work the other night. my first night was in the cardiac unit. not my favorite. just not a fan of hearts at this point.  funny, for all that time i was off i never needed anything for anxiety or heartburn...says something really.  i know it's time to pull the trigger sooner than later. at this point i'm thinking after the fall starts make my decisions. 

i wouldn't mind getting into some writing again myself.  i'm not a poet like Swift but i have quite a few pretty good ones. have always wanted to combine my poems and some favorite photos in a book, even if it is just for me ultimately. i also have a book idea, but due to content i'd need to use a pen name. Hippa stuff. 

years of working as a nurse has given me a lot to work with. 

i worked regular ER last night and i worked my butt off. that place is nuts sometimes. my rooms were just turning over and over and over. discharge 3/4, get 3 new patients. then the last several hours was almost all homeless. not sure what happened.  the place was filled with the homeless.  like it was below zero and they just wanted out of the cold but it really isn't that cold out there. perhaps just warm enough that they feel freer to escape beyond their encampments...so come to the ER. 

lucky for me i'm not as familiar with the regulars. who knew people went to the ER on a near daily basis.  it's pretty nuts. 

exciting week coming up.  picked up my prep for the colonoscopy. can't wait for that to start!

then i have Tonsina cabin out of Seward with friends next weekend. hopefully my gut is returned to normal by then. we have the boat arranged. it's a short hike, 2+ miles but with gear it's just easier and more fun to hop on a boat. 

went to the eye doctor. i was due and since i'm still having some symptoms post pink eye i figured it was time.  eyes are still dry with some floaties in the right side of the right eye.  the eyes got the all clear. eye doc thinks i had both bacterial and viral infections.  she gave me loads of free moisturizing eye drops. 

left work this morning at 6 am so one hour short, which is always great...i was getting pretty tired of dealing with drunks and drug addicts.  it's a sad thing but as a nurse working with them you do get pretty jaded. lots of attitude and at times uncomfortable situations.  some pretty foul smells.  do not remove shoes on the homeless is a lesson i've learned.  that Jesus washing of the feet is more of kindness than i am capable most days...of course, in the land of Jesus they were wearing open toed sandals i think...up here we have layers of wet socks and shoes that have been worn for weeks.  trench foot...it's truly disgusting.  

always collecting pens.  do other nurses do this? pens can be hard to find so anytime you find one you cling to it.  i wonder how long after i do retire i'll hoard pens. 

so far i think this is one of my favorite songs so far, "i can do it with a broken heart". many nurses are seeing this as a nursing anthem, taking away the spirit of it...how often we carry on with our jobs despite our hearts being broken at what we deal with.  other peoples trauma and drama.  for her it's more akin to relationships. it sounds different from the others.  as i said, many start to blend together on this one. will have to listen and focus more next time through. read the lyrics more. as i said i don't know enough about her and her relationships to guess which guy or situation this is about for her. 

when i write i end up taking the emotion and taking off with it.  it's not always some exact replication of true life. life is just the base. 

winter and Iditarod are what these pictures are about. 

trails here remain pretty dicey. snow packed but slushy. easy to twist the knees and back. Sunny chased another moose off this week.  that boy.  gonna give me  breakdown. driving home today a moose booked out in front of me, a few hundred feet in front of me.  crossed the street and then started booking down the sidewalk. not sure what spooked the poor moose.  they just have a little  bit to go before the green starts to show up again. 

saw a few sprouts at work as i walked in the last few nights. 

took a walk on the coastal trail the other day. i was silly and thought there would be clear trails. nope, still snow packed. did see canadian geese and sandhill cranes.  always great having the birds return for the season.  everything moves so quickly up here.  it's pretty nuts really.  i love the drama of nature. 

much of this album is like a poetry slam except she sings her poems instead of just reading them.  not that this is unpleasant. 

wonder what the next album will be. at this time she appears to be in a new and exciting relationship so perhaps there will be some up beat songs...or she will just get engaged married and have some kids.  she never needs to write another thing, she is set financially for life.  she seems to really like to push herself and stay busy.  she's at that age to though where if she wants to have kids, it's gotta be on the mind. after this long international tour a big long break is not unheard of. 

have another escape to Homer in May for another low tide. i think i have vacation for that week.  

haven't seen the bear in the bear tree.  there are sightings of bears. perhaps a charge on the Potter to McHuge trail. that area gets the early bear sightings.  

you have to walk away from the person you had to become to get through the things you had to get through in life. can't be stuck being that person who was hurt and angry. you may have needed to be that person and personality to get through things.  it's a funny thought but probably some truth to it. 

have to allow your soft side to return.  would be easier to get sucked into the painful/hurt/angry stuff. i suspect this album, like my writings/blog is just how Swift is doing just that. just get all that out of your head and then live each day free of it all. 

these are from a summer hike out Powerline Pass. this area is always a great place for wildflowers once you hit it.  everything was delayed last year. the flowers.  like this year, so much snow. 

LS came by and helped do step one prep at fixing the little free library.  i picked up some stuff at Home Depot today for the repair.  it was funny. this worker started helping me, next thing i knew i had my own personal shopper. lol. much needed on my part.  

so many projects, all you can do is one at a time.  

love the purple pinecones up here.  so pretty

no gun shots leaving early this morning.  still parking in the same area.  probably won't have another situation like that. 

what to do if i retire from here. that is the big question.  do i pay separate for insurance? do i find a job where i get insurance? do i stick with current job but look for less stressful position within the hospital? 

slight distracted as i listen to the album and try to read lyrics. mostly, they blend together. she seems like a dreamer. often dreamers end up finding life tough. always looking for magic and often finding that path disappointing. so in love with love that they only seem to thrive in the infatuation stage. 

there was a country song about Mr Right vs Mr Right Now. i do think women are often kind of set up to dream of the big picture instead of just enjoying a relationship for what it is. wanting to make it the relationships to end all relationships.  many of us live with a series of Mr Right Now sorts. 

my adult years were a bit of a fun wild ride. lots of short and fun relationships. not many that stuck around.  one friend once said i dated super fun and cute guys but none that would match my intellect so after a bit i'd get bored. really had a lot of deconstruction and personal exploration in those years. i was a bit of a mess but it was some great times. no regrets. 

a few other stand outs.  Fortnight and Who's afraid of little old me. 

you learn and become more you with each person you gain in this life. best to be open to all sorts of personalities.  your potential grows exponentially with the experiences you allow yourself. people do come and go. it's sad at times accepting people moving out of your life but then you have to focus on all the experiences and growth that came from being with them.

in the end your world is filled with love.  some of that love sticks it out longer and some is more brief.  regret just is a waste of time. the joyous times and the times of trial all combine to create the best you. so it's best to ride the waves in this life, the ups and the downs. 

about time to crash.  2 shifts is so much less daunting than 3. 0 is the sweet spot though.  haha. 

the animals are chilling. love to watch the pets sleep.  they always have such peace. 

was going to look at a pictures from the big camera. don't think i've even looked at the ones on there from the iditarod. 

broke down and got an i watch.  my fit bits seem to break every year so i am hoping this lasts a bit longer. the fit bit just counted steps so this one is a bit more complicated.  still figuring it out. 

glaciers...soon will be out on that water again.  never know what you will see out there.  love the ocean.  some are ocean people some are lake people.  i'm an ocean person. 

grateful for A. recovery from pink eye, that wasn't fun. B. that i can work 2 shifts a week and survive. C. the people in my life who accept me and want me in their lives. 

dogs are a girls best friend....

 

especially as we get older. the best friend thing of our younger years has to morph when it comes to humans.  there seems to be less best friend options and more, you are just one of many friends. 

some days that kind of sucks, i will admit. the not being invited, the not getting calls and having that person who is 1:1 totally involved in your life and you in theirs. the reminders can hurt. you are just one of many and it just is what it is. 

i think covid made this worse for singles as well. on the plus side for many, covid cut out the extra in our lives and got us to the bare minimum.  we had to make choices. many focused on their individual family units.  as a single i suspect we were the ones cut out the most. even the singles couldn't hang with every other single. you had to pare down those you were physically in contact with. 

here we are a few years into this and the list that wasn't all that big prior to covid is even smaller. in the past i would make random plans pretty much knowing i could find someone to join me. now i suspect part of why i haven't made cabin bookings and all that is because i'm not sure i can find others to join me. i do hope that this begins to improve as the covid gets less dangerous and more endemic. who knows though.  it may just be me planning on the balance of my existence being the dogs and i for the most part. 

these shots are clearly before his legs shot up.

my tickets to the reunion have gotten altered. part of me thinks i should get on there and see if i can make other changes, but mostly i feel like the universe will help me in this situation.  that these changes are based on what i probably can handle at this time. many flights have been cancelled these past months. 

my walks/hikes are mostly just the dogs and I. the pool for walking partners has shrunk.  everyone seems busy with family and other friends. 

i just need to look at the bright side and hope that the future will improve. i am able to get out, i do have the dogs, i am healthy enough to get out there and i live in a beautiful place. the friends that are meant to be there at the end of this will be there. the ones that have moved on, well, they will have moved on. 

i've always had a philosophy of do not beg anyone to do anything they do not want to do...that includes inviting you when they don't want to.  it still hurts your feelings though. hug the dogs a bit tighter those days.  paint rocks, get out walking and live the best life you can. soon you make new friends, or things just change again, good or bad. 

left some ashes at the Iditarod restart. one of the kids that was there was already stomping them about before i even left. this last group of rocks i painted i put a coat of sparkly sealing on.....a bit too thick though.  not sure i want sparkles too much after this. may just need to do it real thin. 

i hemmed and hawed about this weeks plans. i am a bit of a creature of habit.  the place i usually stay didn't have any dog rooms available. i am going with a vrbo.  we shall see. not as close to the beach though so that is a bummer.  should have more room and perhaps a nice view. so i will go Monday and Tuesday nights. 

had debated other runs but i think i just was ready to head back to Homer. 

this weeks hikes have been to Arctic Valley and Powerline pass. thought of another bigger hike today but i'm thinking i'll do something local and clean/prep for Homer. i'll have my next stretch and then i'm off to Utah, unless the flights get altered or cancelled. 

i do have some days off when i return so i could either do a road trip or i could fly to Yakutat for a new experience. 

for any plans i just need some time to arrange for dog care. if it's kayaking i need to arrange for dogs and renting a kayak so i do need some heads up. when you have pets last minute isn't always an option. 

should wash the cars today as well...that will assure that the rain will come. 

dogs always adore you.  i know i lack social skills. i know i'm not always the first person thought of when plans are made. i'm not even the last person thought of...sometimes i'm just not going to be thought of at all. 

so admittedly, today is not my favorite day because i know i wasn't thought of at all. it's good to remind myself that i have undoubtedly done the same to others.  others who are out there and struggle with not being thought of, not being invited.  who are having difficulty with the lack of connections post covid. maybe it's worse though and i was thought of and dismissed immediately as an option. haha. it's like the blind date thing.  did the guy stand you up or come and take a look at you and run the other way. 

just writing it out always makes me feel better.  sometimes you just have to have your mini pity party and move on. i do not have the social skills to fix my social life.  i do not know what i lack as far as social skills, just that i lack them. i am jealous of those for whom the social stuff just comes so easily. they will never know what it means to be left out as they are always first on so many others lists. they are always welcomed, invited and adored. 

probably always were. no doubt popular in school. i've always managed to find some amazing friends overall though so these days are tough at times for me, but i know that i have been dang lucky with the humans i have in my life.  as you age, things just change.  people have other aspects to their lives. spouses, kids, other friends. you just get what you get and hopefully, you get enough most days to get to the next day and the next day.  i am lucky in that i do have many friends, who may be busy doing other things or have other priorities, i do know if i really needed help, they are still people i could count on. i have counted on and they have come through so many times in the past. 

it's just those rare days that i feel the lack of the bestie i guess. i miss my group of travel friends. it always altered with each trip but the core seemed to remain.  that core has just scattered a lot and a new core hasn't evolved yet. 

dang covid..is there nothing that wasn't impacted by it. 

gas prices have hindered my adventurous spirit a bit. is this hike or that trek worth the extra cost for gas. seems wiser to find things closer to home. i suspect it's all an excuse i tell myself though. 

i'm in a bit of a social slump.  many of us out there are. 

the pets have been my life ring. 

nearly 2...i better get myself moving and get them walked somewhere. 

the orange freak was in town last night for a cult rally.  him Palin and the pillow guy apparently. so gross.  his cult will be riled up and now have brand new stupid hats and flags to parade around and hoist all over town.  saw a young guy at the grocery yesterday sporting his new red hat. our nation is getting destroyed by the lunacy of these fools. the obsessive followers to a clown. 

we may get some rain later.  i had debated tenting in Homer but the rain is expected and tenting in the rain just wasn't something i was thrilled with...so the vrbo.  perhaps i can find one for Valdez or Seward for some other escapes with my best canine companions. 

they like smelling new stuff i guess.  they just like being around me.  it's nice to have animals at least who enjoy me for me.  who adore me.  i am not adored at this stage of life. mostly, i'm tolerated probably by the other humans. the dogs adore me, the cats seem affectionate at least. tough to get cats to adore you....at least not openly, haha. 

tons of beautiful wildflowers on the hikes of the last few days. looks like there is a breeze out there. dunes maybe or hit the dog park. Sunny loves to meet up with other dogs and play. Ivy enjoys him being distracted so she can play with the tennis ball. 

his coat is high maintenance. lots of brushing.  keeping up with small matts that form and clipping on a regular basis. i should make a real appointment for him to get groomed. they can do the ears, feet, trim nails and get those anal glands as well. 

skipped Talkeetna the other day due to gas price.  hiked local and saved a lot. 

these are from a trek across the Denali Highway.

have been blending the old with the new.  so many older photos to get through so it works for me. comforting to see some old photos of Tusker still.  he is missed. every so often the two dogs are there and there seems to be a clear spot for the Tusker, just left open, like he is there with us 

i'm fine with any and all of those dogs that have shared my life to feel comfortable returning anytime. yesterday i'd turned off the television and after a bit it just turned itself back on.  i immediately felt it must be Rio Catalina and i started to chat with her like she was there with us. 

i'd rather spend the spirit life with dogs and cats and other animals i think. i'm more animal than human some days. i at least feel like they get me and i get them. perhaps all my previous lives i've been an animal. maybe it takes awhile before you work up to human lives...i'm not sure i'm really up for the challenge of it though. 

this human stuff can be tough. i've been incredibly lucky overall though. i've lived a life of relative peace and ease.  so many others are born into situations that will lead them down paths of suffering.  will my life end in suffering...like so many in Ukraine seem to be forced to deal with. feeling trapped in communities where they have existed for generations only to find their lives teetering in a political battle. 

our nation looks to be headed to even worse conflict. this religious nationalist mentality could be the end of us.  one hopes that their hatred will eventually be drummed out of existence.  we have had this underpinning of hatred in our nation since the inception.  can we reach a climax of hate and then find a way forward in a more progressive, kind, inclusive manner? will i live to see the other end of it? will i love everything before that happens, including myself? 

with climate change and the war in Ukraine leading to decreased food stores for other nations who are battling decreasing wheat and other food stores...my little social issues seem fairly trivial. there will be a great deal of death.  those who demand abortion bans because they are "pro-life" will continue to look the other way at the actual suffering of actually living breathing humans...not matter how young or old they are. they are not and never were pro-life. they are political pawns, used as emotional fools on this one issue to get their votes.  it worked. the fetus requires nothing from the GOP, nothing at all and yet they can use those fetuses to sway a vote their way. if they actually gave a crap about life they wouldn't be fighting to get rid of education, healthcare, birth control, welfare....nothing they do is meant to help the lives they insist on being born.  once you are born the only life they care about is the lives of the wealthy. 

i waited and hoped for years now that those on the GOP side would wake up and see the truth of what they are actually supporting.  that for the most part their support of the GOP does very little to help them or their families. so many never will see it though. Germany in the days of hitler  make more and more sense. it was always hard to comprehend how such a thing could happen.  but fear and hatred and indoctrination are not nearly as difficult to instill in humans as assumed. even those who live in relative and actual comfort are easily made to believe that their lives and livelihood are at risk and those people are the ones gunning for them and in need of being destroyed in order to maintain what they see as normal and their absolute right.

they lie to their followers because the truth might provoke them to make different choices. 

Christianity has been bastardized and the message will be lost for decades as so many have been taken down this crazy path. it happens over and over in history. they blame the non-believers but it's usually the believers that lose their way and become the biggest mess.  they believe they are right. i mean in my childhood religion people believe that this all God selected only a very small percentage of humans to be gifted to be born into the right religion with the right parents, the right color and the right nation. it's arrogance at the highest level if you ask me. but the bible teaches that God only saved Noah, his family and several animals before just flooding the entire earth.  the God of the bible is kind of an ass really when you actually read it. 

am i being punished for leaving the "true" church. i'm sure many will say that i am anytime i have conflict with in.  this is just life of normal humans with normal issues.  we are imperfect and imperfect lives lead to the most learning and growth.  it never made sense to live a life doing exactly as you were told. no fun, no learning, no growth, no life, no experience, no joy really. you need sorrow to appreciate joy. you need the roller coaster ride in life rather than some life spent with bubble wrap and safety gear. you have to take some chances out there. 

even if your feelings get hurt. 

love his freckles. 

okay, i better get these dogs out there. they are incredibly patient and understanding.  great qualities in best friends. 

thankful for A. all the furs, feathers and other pets who have shared my life and given me comfort, companionship and hope. B. that i have courage to get out there on my own.  C. the life lessons that continue to come my way, even if they are painful at times.