most on the right aspire to be George Bailey in "it's a wonderful life" but they all vote for Potter.

 

i have often found that so odd. they just can't see it. 

these are all from this past Jan. we are currently still in the low temps. nearly a month straight at this point. so much ice art put out there this year. it's been great. Portage Lake is frozen. pondering going out there Tuesday. back to work early this stretch for the holiday. 

some seasons i'm just more whatever about it all. did the bulk of stuff early then just fizzled out. still need to look at the cards a bit. didn't get them all out. just seems like people do them less and less. 

some holiday seasons it can be depressing. maybe i'm just coming to peace with what holidays are and what they aren't.  my overall expectations of others has decreased greatly. my reality checks have been put in place and i find that has decreased holiday expectations.

this was my favorite ice heart. it was highlighted and back lit on the fat tire bike. their photo turned out amazing. 

tonight met friends for the solstice tree walk/ski. always a fun event. i thought i was going to miss it but it got moved to this week due to high winds last week. getting a bit windy out there again.

this time of year can be depressing for many. as i said, this year and in general i am more just in a place of peace. letting more roll off of me. lowering expectations. seeing the reality. 

previously, i had higher expectations for family. in the end, they are who they are. when i look back, a loving bond between siblings wasn't always a daily event.  we had some fun times for sure on vacations or at the beach house. in the day to day. we hardly interacted with each other. my memories are mostly of my two brothers right above me. we often played together and explored together.  there was little parental oversight. my oldest tortured the third down who tortured the one a few more down, who tortured me. there was very little parents involved with this. i recall being told repeatedly, "he will grow out of it". i was usually the one who was in trouble for making the noise after being teased relentlessly.  can't really hold it against him, he was a kid like me. i suspect he also had tons of energy that wasn't directed anywhere else. that was most parents in our age range.  kids were seen and not heard.  we were left to our own until it got dark or a meal was served. we were often left in the hands of various church activities.

a quote i've heard lately and relate to, "I'm not mad, i'm done. that's what people don't understand. i'm not mad at anyone, i'm just done. done dealing with situations that rob me of my peace. i'm done dealing with people that don't love me as i love them, don't try as hard as i do, don't put in the effort that i put in. i'm just done.". so often i just kept putting in 80-95% of the effort and getting 0-20% back.  i'm more aware of who returns calls/texts. who reaches out. it just isn't sustainable for that person to always be me. it says a lot about a relationship with anyone if all the effort is you. 

i think back to who stands up for me, asks for my side in shit that happens, and that was eye opening. also covid, who supported and who actively fought against all i was up against. it just got impossible to ignore it all. "not everyone who stays away is difficult. some just refuse to sit at the same table with the person/s who broke them and now act like nothing happened. my absence isn't disrespect, it's self protection". 

depression. i have always battled it a bit. comes in waves. part of it just was this sense of not belonging. some of my earliest holiday memories were watching Rudolph the reindeer and relating to all on the land of misfit toys. i knew even then that where i was dropped was not where i belonged. Alaska, the place and the people have always felt like home, like where i belonged. it is a land of misfit toys in it's own way. we tend to be independent and quirky. we don't all fit into the box the lower 48 exists in. it's why so many of us can't easily return south. 

the religion just never worked for me either. it just never felt right and so many things i studied trying to make it work just sent me further away.

i have never felt suicidal but i have often felt like i wouldn't be missed. much like George i guess. i haven't saved a town like he did. for me, the difference i make is much more subtle. no movies will be made about me. my name won't be remembered. i suspect there are some out there who remember a kind act. they won't remember my name. that is true in nursing i think a lot. your kindness is remembered.

i would say those thoughts cross my mind very often. this started at about age 10. i'd often write my mom notes expressing that i didn't fit in, wasn't loved or wasn't loved as much as the other kids. my mom would just come in tell me she loved me and off she would go. that was mental health treatment in those days. i never tried to hurt myself. the closest i got was after it being pointed out for months how much weight i'd gained i heard a fellow student tell me that you could eat what ever you wanted then just puke or take laxatives. calories out. i hate puking but i did buy those laxatives. i never took them though. as a kid it occurred to me that shitting your pants at school may be far worse than being fat.

my last stretch of work went a bit better. was told though that i don't have the skills to drop ICU/CSU so that is ongoing. meanwhile i have been looking at retirement options. so much is up in the air as our nation is totally fucked at the moment. insurance is the real deal breaker to retirement.  can do aca but it jumps like crazy if you make over a certain amount. may be best to try and hold out a bit longer and see what happens. they had a guy call me from fidelity but in the end he wasn't seeming to be interested in helping me as much as trying to sell me on getting them to handle my money by paying them about what insurance would cost a month.

table it until after the holidays. have discussed at length. currently, i suspect most of these hospitals will be taking what they can in fear that the system crashes. it feels like it's not sustainable. not sure what will happen.  no hospital gifts this year. we are simply unfaced workers. i'm older so i make more money so i'm sure those in the big offices would rather get rid of folks like me for cheaper, less experienced workers.

really don't know what this year will bring for any of us. take it week by week at this time.

we had less snow last winter, more warmer days.  i've enjoyed this winter. i do like when the snow remains on the ground. 

dogs are good. cats are good. no kittens right now. i sent the last group back to the shelter and they all found homes. hopefully, they have good lives.

we are almost at solstice so happy solstice. the light will start to return.  with longer days comes some more adventure time. started to look at the tides. 

these are last winters ice hearts. we never got the stretch of cold we've gotten so far this year. there are loads of hearts/art out there now. my friend also  showed us we can make smaller ornament ice art so we decorated a tree. will probably do another one on Monday. looks pretty. just have to put string in there

i had gotten all the local prezzies ready but forgot to shut the door to the spare room before work. when i got back all the bags had been ripped to bits, everything scattered about. there were bags of dog treats for those with dogs. brightly colored for the holidays. ivy gave herself away when she pooped bright green poop the next day. thankfully, no dogs were injured.

watching the Taylor Swift series over Christmas themed stuff. that shows where i am this holiday.  

work was a bit slow but seems to be amping up. flu season has finally arrived. a bit late but influenza is all over the place. stay safe out there.

got some decorations up but again i didn't got too nuts. nothing on the front deck. that can vary year to year. one covid year i just bought a tiny tree to put on the counter. i just couldn't be bothered. 

the world just seems to send the message more clearly, there is no God. what God would let so many horrific things happen and not intervene. worse what God refuses to help so many while judging people for who they love or what foods they eat. it's just ridiculous. children can be molested over and over but this God will hold a cup of coffee against you. 

no one is to be believed.  we can only wait for the incredibly redacted epstein files. those with a brain know he's a twisted perv, but far more choose to just look the other way. their agenda and owning the libs more important than any corruption or molestation. it really makes it tough to just accept these people. this becomes who they are. this becomes a reflection on their values and morals, no matter how many church services they attend or how devout they claim to be. you support a racist, you support a con man, you support a pedophile, a rapist. you will never get that man's stench off of you. he is who you are. you have become him by continuing to support.

i wish I could find some forgiving attitude for these people, but at some point, it's just so obvious to anyone who even skims facts. 

love these crystal ice flowers. so beautiful

more snow this year, though, to be fair, i haven't driven this road for several weeks

always the frozen water

may have to skip the dog park again. the dogs love it and i love the people but they often stay in one spot and on cold days like this, i gotta move around. 

cleats worn again today. good since i did gasline/powerline back to thank. for sure some overflow. a bit soft. nothing i couldn't get through.

often, i just return to my same haunts over and over. 

double feeding. this was my first foster litter.

guess i better crash. have gotten a few things done. always more. 

grateful for A. options B. snow and ice art and all the fun of winter C. peace

you try to live a peaceful existence then the shit happens

 

it's been a bit of a shitty month in a few ways. at work really. overall, i have been freezing hearts and putting them out.  got a positive post in the fat tire bike group on that. i've had 5 kittens to fatten up. i've called them the Big Bang Gang. so cute. they came to me at 5 weeks. no mom this time.

you put positive out and then life slams you.  a few incidents.  first trying to get report from ICU in the IMCU.  the ICU nurse had not gotten the bp under control and was unable to give me parameters or a way to get to those parameters. somehow this frustrated her more than me. i was deemed to be difficult. i'm sure i was growing impatient with the answers i was getting. exasperated she finally said, so are you saying you won't accept this patient. not how it was. they got an order for a cardene gtt that she had repeatedly said the docs had refused to order and sent the patient out.

i was also sent to work in the ICU this last stretch despite requesting that to be over. wasn't happy, especially since they gave me sicker patients. the charge, resource and the nurses around me were very helpful so i really did appreciate that. i can still do the work, good to know. it did remind me that i don't want to anymore. i sent a note to someone in my management team so we shall see if that happens again. 

then the other night peat shredded me for ordering an ekg. the patient had chest pain and they were working on a critical patient. figured i could handle this. assessed patient, got vitals, ordered the ekg and then came out to contact the nurse practitioner. the charge had called peat a second time and they overheard that i had ordered the ekg and were not happy i guess. i mean,they could have just d/c'd the order?  i had time to page the np a few times and the ekg got done before peat showed up. they went pretty ballistic on me about this ekg and i had to finally say something like maybe we should focus on the patient and you can yell at me later. 

all was fine. i wrote a bland note but then saw that the peat nurse had written a petty and attempted disparaging note about the ekg  i had ordered. i amended my note. she neglected to mention the first call to peat (before  i even was made aware my patient had cp). because of her petty note i had to cover myself. so that was shocking to me, that anyone would get so bent over a non-invasive ekg.

maybe this is part of transitioning out of icu.  we always have peat and practitioners around so i will just page the practitioner before ordering anything in the future. when i first started the ekg machines were just on the floor in many places and you just ran one. the computers keep track of stuff more tightly. some things were better before. concerning that floor nurses at the level of pcu are deemed incapable of dealing with a basic cp issue.

not good to piss off such a petty and vindictive nurse in peat.  i'm not the only one who has found her to be a bit much i guess.  i ran into one of the icu docs on the trails.  we talked.  he thought it was ridiculous as well for her to get so angry over this. they could have just seen patient then pulled me aside and told me i'm not allowed to order an ekg on the floor.  it's better i guess for cares to be delayed.  welcome to modern medicine.

so 3 incidents in a month. hopefully, that bad stretch is behind me. 

my life overall is happily dull.  i sleep.  do errands, read, play with pups,cats and kittens and make ice hearts. 

it's nice to just accept my place as a villian in this life. the people who accept me for who i am are there and the animals. the rest, fuck em. 

i live in a beautiful place and i love each adventure i take. these photo's are a testament to the beauty that i have been lucky enough to enjoy all these years. 

i love the winter as well. the beauty and the peace of it. the early sunsets, the late sunrises.  

none of these sweet kittens made it. it has been rewarding doing this work for the shelter. many are just born too small and getting them to survive is a challenge. i also do not have an incubator, i don't gavage feed them. there is a bit more of survival mode at my place i guess. bottle and gavage feeds are not without some risk as well. 

i've sat at the doorway a few times of the kitten room with the dogs. they love to interact with the kittens.  let the kittens come to them. this group has been healthy so it was nice after a few rough litters to have that. the smallest is just shy of 1.5 pounds. 

they are good to return to the shelter to find homes tomorrow. always a tough day. i'll try and drop them just as the shelter opens so i can get the dogs out for MOnday walk and heart drop. the temps warmed a bit but are now back down again. 

the hearts i left at the dog park were gone but the n. bivy ones seemed to have survived. above is Ivy with a box of tennis balls from my friends. they get them used. they are perfect!!

these are from a trip to Valdez

from June.  lots of wildflowers popping out in June.

i'm still bitter about the incidents at work. wish my brain was better at letting go of that stuff. that nurse probably wrote her nasty note and then moved on. bottom line, what a bitch. 

the maga following is mostly bots from other nations.  not shocking really. the numbers of his most cult following are not nearly as large as they appear. most that voted for him, just don't pay attention to what is actually happening. that in no way means they are not to be held accountable, at least in my mind. ignorance may be bliss but it's not freedom from responsibility.  

the bull continues. they are doing a great job tearing the nation to bits.  the gop have not been able to really govern for years. they are all about fear politics and corporations, greed and money.  everything they accuse the left of they are doing themselves.  

a group of tourists enjoy the glacier while i play with the dogs at Matanuska

i often stop there on the way to Valdez. it's a nice break. 

trying to remember where this campfire was.  hmm.

this is powerline pass hike

views of downtown Anchorage.

this looks like Reflection Lake

back in Valdez. reading and chilling

Biscuits came to me ill. that probably didn't help her babies. she did recover and found a new home.  i really hope things are going well for all of them.

this is Byron

the babies are so tiny when they arrive

just started a book in the kitten room. they had knocked it off the shelf so i started reading while the kittens climbed around on me. cleaning and napping. it really is great mental health therapy.  i go in there after work and just escape in a room filled with purring and cuteness.

my cats aren't that excited. Covi Cat had a little adventure into a neighbors home. the home is in the neighborhood behind my house. a lady has a cat door and he went in. i think the cats scuffled. his collar came off. not sure if that was during the scuffle or while the lady was trying to get the information. she called and i went over after 8 pm to collect a scared Covid Cat.  

later i thought about the fact i'd gone to complete strangers house to collect my cat from an upstairs bedroom...it could have ended in murder. luckily, it was really just a cat collection and i guess i have a new friend. 

University Lake below. above was Cheney Lake.

back to the road towards Valdez

low bush fireweed

and cute puppies of course

will do more kitten time, reading and head to bed.  these dark days always make me want to sleep more

thankful for A. the short time i have left in this work. may be shorter if these negative incidents keep happening. B. the beauty of each and every season here. the days now are cold and foggy and i love it. the hoar frost is beautiful.  C. each kitten and litter for the peace and therapy they bring