a year of kitten fostering...

 

of course, no kitten or cat pictures here. it's been another rough week in the foster world. took in a litter of 3 kittens right before the New Year. named them Poppers, Confetti and Midnight. not sure their age but they had battled diarrhea at the shelter and it was felt they were ready to just fatten up. sadly, only Midnight was gaining weight.Confetti gained a smidge each day. Poppers started losing weight mid week. they all ate fair, not great. stools went back to runs. a common kitten issue.

i still see myself as fairly new at this game. it has been a year but each litter so far has been pretty unique. i also know that i am a person that doesn't emote well. meaning, if i'm concerned i may not express it how others do. clearly something i need to work on. 

i recall being in a car in college with friends in Utah.  i was in the back seat. i saw we were going to crash. i very calmly and in a normal tone of voice repeated, "we are going to crash". nobody heard me and then we crashed. it was a fender bender. no injuries, but that is me. i don't panic or scream. in many ways that is good in my nursing job.  i have heard a doctor tell another doctor that if i were to say i was concerned about a patient, he should listen to that calm warning. 

i know i had sent a few texts starting towards the end of the week, but they don't know me well enough to know to ask me more. to prod me. they take me at what i say. i need to get better at expressing concern in these situations. i suspect i also need to be more confident. i thought several times that i wanted to give sub-q fluids, was concerned about dehydration.

it was determined that i would bring kittens back to shelter on Monday. get them restarted on medications for the diarrhea. try a better diet  for them. Monday morning came and Poppers was less active. he ate baby food, dry food and drank water, not great but i figured enough to get to the vet at the shelter. it did not feel emergent, but he had lost weight again.  i returned a bit later to check them before leaving and he didn't run out to me like he always does. i knew where to look, between the trundle beds. he was there but looking limp. 

he was dying. i knew it. i could have tried some karo syrup on his gums or given some sq fluids but i knew the outcome was going to be death. i texted and let them know.i held him and his siblings and gave him all the love he deserved. he purred until he could not purr anymore. he was agonal as i drove to the shelter. 

he is my 8th loss in a year. i had no idea how tough these little losses would be. how attached you can get to a tiny creature in such a short time. also, the amount of guilt i would feel at each loss. this one hit harder. the others were days old and underweight. this guy had made it through a lot of the most dangerous periods, i thought.

my foster mentor and my shelter contact went above and beyond to help me deal with this loss and i am so grateful for that. my friends were also super supportive and sweet. 

last night i went on the internet and was looking up deaths of foster kittens. some statistics i saw were as much as 40% of orphaned kittens do not make it past 12 weeks.  i saw other fosters who spoke of losses. one mentioned she'd fostered for at least 12 years and had around 550 kittens and something over 80 deaths. another said, again years and years of fostering and the last year she had 5 litters and not one survived. 

there is a kitten expert on social media. she did a video talking about how to get more fosters out there. she was going over what prevents people from fostering. she never mentioned kitten deaths. so many out there act like this never happens. this lady has expensive heated isolettes. tube feeds neonate kittens. from her videos it seems they all survive. 

i'm not sure every kitten surviving is really the right answer. these kittens come to us sick. why was Poppers weaker than his siblings? what were their birth weights? were there others in the litter that died before they ever got to the shelter? was it that Poppers never really fully got back to the health he needed after his first bout of diarrhea before the second bout hit? 

i do try and be realistic. i wouldn't want to put kittens through any extra trauma on the off chance i could pull them through. i've seen far too many humans put through horrific treatments in the hopes they survive, even if that means they have no limbs and no quality of life. we do not have to do that with animals. still each loss, each life i take care of is a lesson that teaches me how to do things better or different. 

diarrhea can be from all sorts of things, stress, bacteria, worms, change in diet, change in location, too much food...

the other two kittens are doing well.  i have ordered some books and some probiotic powder that was recommended. i've cried, i've cleaned. i've analyzed, i've done it all. this one just hit harder. 

we  warmed up over 10F finally just so nature could drop like a foot of snow. back on the trails today in -7F temps. thankfully, i brought my snowshoes today. i shoveled yesterday and today and i think the day before. i have gotten my work out in for the day. 

the ice art is going like crazy. with these cold temps they have lasted ages and we all just keep adding more.

peoples photos with them have popped up all over on social media.  does make me happy.

our nation continues out of control with this idiot and his band of ass kissers and cult followers  he attacked and kidnapped the dictator of Venezuela. openly admits it's really just for the oil and minerals. i suspect cheap labor appeals to him. 

a woman today was driving away from ICE agents and a guy stood right by car and shot her. she is gone. there was no risk of death to him.  sadly, all you have to do is go to any right wing site and you will get a totally different story about what happened. they have zero clue what is really happening and most of them have no desire to really know. they have their agenda and ultimately, they are fine with whatever happens as long as their religious views are forced on others through the government.

the sun is setting a bit later. solstice has passed. Christmas has as well. i worked Christmas.  pretty much blitzed out of Christmas pretty early. i went to see some lights, solstice trees and the botanical gardens. they should have some great ice work soon there.  while we've been having temps -15-+15, Fairbanks has been in the -40'sF. ice is king this year. 

loved all the videos and photos people took wild ice skating all over the state. beautiful. i didn't make it to Portage. it's covered in snow now. it was glass earlier. that actually kept me away. i'm no ice skater. i have a kick sled but a guy fell with a helmet and still knocked himself out. dragged out on someones sled. 

didn't feel worth the risk.  

the puppies saw Santa and i'm sure their wishes came true. 

steady stream of hearts being made

campbell creek was even totally frozen and people were out there skating/biking. still feels risky being over any moving water like that to me.

not sure what 2026 will bring. more kittens for me. so far i'm sticking with my 0.6 work load. it's really just the insurance. not sure what will happen with my request to not work icu/csu. hoping i will be able to wean out or at least be given much less critical patients. for years they gave me the usual patient load. most resource nurses complain about their step down assignments but i'm requesting those step down assignments. we wean up and i'm not sure why i can't wean down.

no clue what will happen in our nation under this idiot. he's talking about taking over Greenland again. Nato has said they will protect Greenland over us. i endorse this. we have no business taking over other nations. it's all greed. oil, minerals. money, money, money. 

God, can't possibly exist and look the other way at all the suffering and look the other way at all the greed. in the bible this God took his wrath out on everyone. this God is responsible for far more death than the devil is. Jesus was going to return. it's been over 2000 years, i don't think so. i always had alternative plans anytime i had a first date in case they didn't show. my rule was to only wait like 30 minutes. i'm not waiting 2000 years for any man.

Ivy and Sunny kept stopping. their pads filled up with ice. felt bad but the best thing was to keep moving. it was mostly light and fluffy snow. a lot of it though.

overall, life is good. i'm taking each day. taking care of myself. learning still. open to change and growth. so many aren't. i remember thinking as a young person, "once you quit living, you are dead". gotta keep living. today i was shoveling snow and i snowshoed a good 2-3 miles. i am far from perfect. i do try to be kind. i do try t put positive out there. we all fail a little and succeed a little. 

this loss made me think about why i do this. should i keep doing it? am i good enough? i'm always hard on myself.  reading about other fosters, even with a lot of experience and litters, suffering the losses, it helps.  as with nursing. if you aren't a bit scared, if you aren't without emotion you probably should step out. i do enjoy the individual patient interactions most of the time. 

most people don't even try and they have a small pool of foster options. even if i'm less experienced and far from the online  kitten lady as far as success and equipment.  i can still do the best i can do to help this helpless population. i may not be the best but i am willing. often that is more than what most are willing to do.saying yes.

these are all local winter walks, from this past December. 

the snow will be packed down soon. the bikers will show up on the weekend. for now the snowshoes were great. i do love a good snowshoe day.

the ice art will continue another week at least

i've enjoyed this winter. wait, here are some cat photo's. Miss Breezy seems to like her KD, was shocked but happy.

Covi less than thrilled to be out in the super cold temps, which i'm happy about.

my house needs a good clean and my to do list is growing.  need to get on it. 

tomorrow is my last day off of this stretch. will be back to work on Friday.

saw someone i hadn't seen for awhile at the market. she was all, "i almost didn't recognize you" i just said, i'm getting older. i don't recognize myself much lately. this aging thing has it's downsides.

i'm still alive and kicking. not as high as i used to but still kicking. life is about adapting though. keep moving though. always try to keep moving.

a lot more snow on many of the hearts out there. i cleared a few. was going to go further but i was breaking trail out there. the dogs did some trail breaking as well. 

this keyboard drives me a bit nuts.  sticky keys. right out of the box. annoying.

falls along the highway.

fresh sheet day. i really super cleaned the kitten room. fear of panleuk. if one kitten tests positive they will euthanize the entire litter. 2 negative tests, thankfully. 

my heart will ache over little Poppers for a long time.  

grateful for: A. that people like trump do not live forever and that he's already not that healthy. B. the people who fight, resist. that despite this ICE murder, more and more people are coming out. C.kindness. there are a lot of nice people but nice is often that fake thing, where these same people look away. kindness is more active.may we all strive to be kind.

most on the right aspire to be George Bailey in "it's a wonderful life" but they all vote for Potter.

 

i have often found that so odd. they just can't see it. 

these are all from this past Jan. we are currently still in the low temps. nearly a month straight at this point. so much ice art put out there this year. it's been great. Portage Lake is frozen. pondering going out there Tuesday. back to work early this stretch for the holiday. 

some seasons i'm just more whatever about it all. did the bulk of stuff early then just fizzled out. still need to look at the cards a bit. didn't get them all out. just seems like people do them less and less. 

some holiday seasons it can be depressing. maybe i'm just coming to peace with what holidays are and what they aren't.  my overall expectations of others has decreased greatly. my reality checks have been put in place and i find that has decreased holiday expectations.

this was my favorite ice heart. it was highlighted and back lit on the fat tire bike. their photo turned out amazing. 

tonight met friends for the solstice tree walk/ski. always a fun event. i thought i was going to miss it but it got moved to this week due to high winds last week. getting a bit windy out there again.

this time of year can be depressing for many. as i said, this year and in general i am more just in a place of peace. letting more roll off of me. lowering expectations. seeing the reality. 

previously, i had higher expectations for family. in the end, they are who they are. when i look back, a loving bond between siblings wasn't always a daily event.  we had some fun times for sure on vacations or at the beach house. in the day to day. we hardly interacted with each other. my memories are mostly of my two brothers right above me. we often played together and explored together.  there was little parental oversight. my oldest tortured the third down who tortured the one a few more down, who tortured me. there was very little parents involved with this. i recall being told repeatedly, "he will grow out of it". i was usually the one who was in trouble for making the noise after being teased relentlessly.  can't really hold it against him, he was a kid like me. i suspect he also had tons of energy that wasn't directed anywhere else. that was most parents in our age range.  kids were seen and not heard.  we were left to our own until it got dark or a meal was served. we were often left in the hands of various church activities.

a quote i've heard lately and relate to, "I'm not mad, i'm done. that's what people don't understand. i'm not mad at anyone, i'm just done. done dealing with situations that rob me of my peace. i'm done dealing with people that don't love me as i love them, don't try as hard as i do, don't put in the effort that i put in. i'm just done.". so often i just kept putting in 80-95% of the effort and getting 0-20% back.  i'm more aware of who returns calls/texts. who reaches out. it just isn't sustainable for that person to always be me. it says a lot about a relationship with anyone if all the effort is you. 

i think back to who stands up for me, asks for my side in shit that happens, and that was eye opening. also covid, who supported and who actively fought against all i was up against. it just got impossible to ignore it all. "not everyone who stays away is difficult. some just refuse to sit at the same table with the person/s who broke them and now act like nothing happened. my absence isn't disrespect, it's self protection". 

depression. i have always battled it a bit. comes in waves. part of it just was this sense of not belonging. some of my earliest holiday memories were watching Rudolph the reindeer and relating to all on the land of misfit toys. i knew even then that where i was dropped was not where i belonged. Alaska, the place and the people have always felt like home, like where i belonged. it is a land of misfit toys in it's own way. we tend to be independent and quirky. we don't all fit into the box the lower 48 exists in. it's why so many of us can't easily return south. 

the religion just never worked for me either. it just never felt right and so many things i studied trying to make it work just sent me further away.

i have never felt suicidal but i have often felt like i wouldn't be missed. much like George i guess. i haven't saved a town like he did. for me, the difference i make is much more subtle. no movies will be made about me. my name won't be remembered. i suspect there are some out there who remember a kind act. they won't remember my name. that is true in nursing i think a lot. your kindness is remembered.

i would say those thoughts cross my mind very often. this started at about age 10. i'd often write my mom notes expressing that i didn't fit in, wasn't loved or wasn't loved as much as the other kids. my mom would just come in tell me she loved me and off she would go. that was mental health treatment in those days. i never tried to hurt myself. the closest i got was after it being pointed out for months how much weight i'd gained i heard a fellow student tell me that you could eat what ever you wanted then just puke or take laxatives. calories out. i hate puking but i did buy those laxatives. i never took them though. as a kid it occurred to me that shitting your pants at school may be far worse than being fat.

my last stretch of work went a bit better. was told though that i don't have the skills to drop ICU/CSU so that is ongoing. meanwhile i have been looking at retirement options. so much is up in the air as our nation is totally fucked at the moment. insurance is the real deal breaker to retirement.  can do aca but it jumps like crazy if you make over a certain amount. may be best to try and hold out a bit longer and see what happens. they had a guy call me from fidelity but in the end he wasn't seeming to be interested in helping me as much as trying to sell me on getting them to handle my money by paying them about what insurance would cost a month.

table it until after the holidays. have discussed at length. currently, i suspect most of these hospitals will be taking what they can in fear that the system crashes. it feels like it's not sustainable. not sure what will happen.  no hospital gifts this year. we are simply unfaced workers. i'm older so i make more money so i'm sure those in the big offices would rather get rid of folks like me for cheaper, less experienced workers.

really don't know what this year will bring for any of us. take it week by week at this time.

we had less snow last winter, more warmer days.  i've enjoyed this winter. i do like when the snow remains on the ground. 

dogs are good. cats are good. no kittens right now. i sent the last group back to the shelter and they all found homes. hopefully, they have good lives.

we are almost at solstice so happy solstice. the light will start to return.  with longer days comes some more adventure time. started to look at the tides. 

these are last winters ice hearts. we never got the stretch of cold we've gotten so far this year. there are loads of hearts/art out there now. my friend also  showed us we can make smaller ornament ice art so we decorated a tree. will probably do another one on Monday. looks pretty. just have to put string in there

i had gotten all the local prezzies ready but forgot to shut the door to the spare room before work. when i got back all the bags had been ripped to bits, everything scattered about. there were bags of dog treats for those with dogs. brightly colored for the holidays. ivy gave herself away when she pooped bright green poop the next day. thankfully, no dogs were injured.

watching the Taylor Swift series over Christmas themed stuff. that shows where i am this holiday.  

work was a bit slow but seems to be amping up. flu season has finally arrived. a bit late but influenza is all over the place. stay safe out there.

got some decorations up but again i didn't got too nuts. nothing on the front deck. that can vary year to year. one covid year i just bought a tiny tree to put on the counter. i just couldn't be bothered. 

the world just seems to send the message more clearly, there is no God. what God would let so many horrific things happen and not intervene. worse what God refuses to help so many while judging people for who they love or what foods they eat. it's just ridiculous. children can be molested over and over but this God will hold a cup of coffee against you. 

no one is to be believed.  we can only wait for the incredibly redacted epstein files. those with a brain know he's a twisted perv, but far more choose to just look the other way. their agenda and owning the libs more important than any corruption or molestation. it really makes it tough to just accept these people. this becomes who they are. this becomes a reflection on their values and morals, no matter how many church services they attend or how devout they claim to be. you support a racist, you support a con man, you support a pedophile, a rapist. you will never get that man's stench off of you. he is who you are. you have become him by continuing to support.

i wish I could find some forgiving attitude for these people, but at some point, it's just so obvious to anyone who even skims facts. 

love these crystal ice flowers. so beautiful

more snow this year, though, to be fair, i haven't driven this road for several weeks

always the frozen water

may have to skip the dog park again. the dogs love it and i love the people but they often stay in one spot and on cold days like this, i gotta move around. 

cleats worn again today. good since i did gasline/powerline back to thank. for sure some overflow. a bit soft. nothing i couldn't get through.

often, i just return to my same haunts over and over. 

double feeding. this was my first foster litter.

guess i better crash. have gotten a few things done. always more. 

grateful for A. options B. snow and ice art and all the fun of winter C. peace