Monday, February 20, 2017

passing...

 Ivy inspects the troops.  cracks me up when she jumps up on the table outside.  she really is quite the jumper.  we have had quite a bit of snow this week.  this day the snow was super wet and i immediately thought...snowmen!
 i made a total of 21 little snowmen and they still line the deck railing to some degree.  of course, some meltage has happened and some snow has covered them up.  Ivy also has knocked over a few.
 they do look pretty bright and happy.
 this week it was particularly nice to see my little colored snowmen out there....it was a sad week.  my nephew passed away. thankfully, it seems it was fairly peaceful as far as these things go.  difficult to sleep after getting the news.  mostly my heart ached for my brother and his family and all that a loss of this magnitude takes on folks.  they sound like they have had a lot of love and support.  the perks of religion, friends and just being good and likable people.  we have spoken a few times.  he'd texted me and the other siblings in a family text.  i texted back...but some things just can't be done via text...probably a lot more things shouldn't be done via text, but anyway. i called him when i got home that morning.
 often calls over the next weeks and months are needed.  loss tends to come in waves.  Bryce had many medical issues in his life.  he did live to 25 years despite predictions of much less.  that is a testament to the care he received.  Darla's family have lived near by for many years and i know they were a great help to them...very grateful to their generous spirits as well.  wish i could have been more help.  he had many seizures when he was younger.   he had seizures his whole life actually.  he was having one when he passed.
 my last night at work was a bit emotional.  i worked PICU...had a young patient.  he probably passed today.  then i got another little one who is sick as well.  when you work in medicine you can generally keep yourself at some distance emotionally from all the sadness you deal with at work.  death...but when you are dealing with a death close to you as well, the lines get blurred and it can be tougher to hold back your emotions.
 thankfully, PICU is staffed with super kind people.  with your friends you get through those tough days.
 we skipped walks twice this week.  lack of sleep.  yesterday i did manage a bog/neighborhood walk.  there is one bit in the bog where the puppies seem to bolt every time now.  brats!! i think there are rabbits there.  once they were spotted once, it's nearly impossible for me to hold those puppies back there.  avoided a second area by taking off into the hood.
 today we headed to gasline.  i slept a lot.  napped last night, woke up and watched a movie.  then i slept again til late today.  i finally made it to the trail after 3:30 i think.
 a toy from our bark box...looked cute on Ivy.  she is a cutie! she likes to sit in my lap...she is not small.  i was able to let them off leash out there. did see some dogs, but i would call to see if they were neutered/fixed.  if they were then i could just let her play.
 below she is up on the wood pile inspecting troops.
 look pretty cool lined up, right?
 the movie i watched was, "the imitation game".  very well done i thought. code breakers during WWII.  early computer work and the guy who was a brilliant mathematician but maybe not the most personable guy was the one who created the machine to crack the code. once they cracked it they had to be careful so that Germany wouldn't know it was broken...that meant they had to play God to some degree and allow some attacks to go forward without intervention.  he was also gay and was later convicted of lewd or indecent acts.  some time after this he committed suicide.
 not sure exact quote from the movie but i did like it, " the people that no one imagines much of often do the things that no one imagines".
 i also have taken the scissors to my hair these past few days.  not sure why i do that.  i have proven repeatedly that i am not overly skilled in hair cutting.  i'll have to go get a repair cut at some point.  nobody is really looking at me anyway...maybe if i have a crappy haircut they will...haha.
 i actually may have put these pictures in...moose, never tire of them

 my first night of work i was put on call...briefly. literally for 10 minutes i think. on the plus side i got overtime for my entire shift.
 they called me in to do respiratory therapy.  the RT's didn't need me as it turns out because someone came to work that they weren't expecting.  once you are there they have to pay you for 2 hours.  wasn't too keen on leaving and then just getting called back in a few minutes later again anyway.  after those 2 hours was up ER grabbed me up.  i was there the next night as well.
 back at the beach...
 second night i was in ER as well.
 Tusker and Ivy turn 1 on Tuesday.  was thinking of making cupcakes for the Monday walk anyway.
 not doing that tonight.
 i'll take nyquil and hope this doesn't get worse.
 big sky


  as i mentioned, my nephew Bryce passed away the other day.  i got a text from my brother when i was getting ready to leave work.  Bryce lived with medical issues every day and his folks, my brother and his wife, were absolutely amazing with him.  they kept a sense of humor about them, they kept positive, they never complained that i heard.  in short, they gave him the best possible life he could have ever hoped for.
 my heart goes out to them as they go forward without Bryce here with them.  he lived many years more than the medical community suggested he would.  the funeral is next Sat. there are no quick weekends from AK to the lower 48.  i can give you a litany of excuses none of which would really suffice i guess, but i will not make the flight south for the funeral. tough timing wise.  the flight/airport time would be extensive for the short time i would be there.  my brother was willing to even pay the ticket as all the other siblings will be there.  so i feel sad and guilty but after looking at the flight options again today i decided it was best to just let myself move forward,let it go. i told my brother i hope they would save the money for the ticket and use it for a trip,maybe to AK again.   woke up feeling like crap today as well.  sore throat,aches...if i end up sick then for sure i will know it was the right decision. don't want to bring AK bugs to my entire family. i do appreciate my brothers kindness and generous offer.  i also appreciate that he was understanding whatever decision i ended up making.
 a few oldies of the Blossom and Rio.  Ivy is in heat still as well.  finding dog care at the last minute is not easy and no boarding facility would take an in heat dog.  i don't blame them for that.  actually have never had a dog in heat since i was a kid i guess.  those dogs always seemed to get out and knocked up, thus i was often in front of Ralphs grocery store with puppies or kittens looking for homes.  having adults yell at me for not having gotten my pets spayed...i was 10...like i had that power or understanding.
 though i won't be at the funeral.  i did feel inspired the other day to write a poem on behalf of my brother and his family.
 Bryce
too often,
in life,
we pity those,
who live bravely,
with disabilities.
we think of them,
in terms of what we have,
and not in terms,
of what they have.
as i recall,
Bryce,
a smile comes to mind,
his smile,
it seemed,
to never end.
he lived free,
free of hatred,
free of greed,
free of self loathing,
free of sadness,
free of a hurt heart.
Bryce knew,
only love.
his family,
loved him,
without fail,
they gave freely,
of their love,
and their time.
sacrifice,
it would seem,
to those on the outside,
but,
i know,
to them,
each day with Bryce,
was never
a sacrifice,
each day with Bryce,
was a gift.
there are no words really,
to describe,
the dedication, respect and kindness,
that was shared with this sweet soul.
oft in life,
what at first,
seems like,
a challenge,
a test,
a struggle.
becomes,
the greatest lesson,
the greatest strength,
we could have never imagined.
soar,
conquer heaven,
for your life,
simple and pure,
made the lives,
of those you touched,
more meaningful,
more kind and more joyous.
may your message of love,
be with us always.

grateful for: A.  words...being able to express myself  B.  my brother and his wife for the example they have been.  C. snow, it makes me smile

Wednesday, February 15, 2017

Dark Hearts....

 loved the look on Ivy's face on this tackle shot...
 some people just have dark hearts i think.  for whatever reason they are unhappy some place deep inside, reasons unknown.  they often on the outside seem to have happy lives.  the truth is people can fake you into believing their lives are fabulous and happy when maybe they aren't as awesome as they put out there.
 growing up in the Mormon faith i recall seeing this at some point in my life.  people seemed to spend some effort making everyone else think their lives were already perfect...perfection seeming to be the goal.  i'm sure it's like that in many lives and cultures, it's just that being mormon was the one i grew up.  these perfect people in perfect lives failed at some point and i just remember being so shocked.  they were so perfect, their lives so perfect, how could they possibly not be perfect.  what had i missed?
 the goal was perfection ultimately and for me, i just felt fallible.  i was so far from perfect.  i did not fit into what a Mormon girl was supposed to be, supposed to want.  there was great effort on both my part and on those around me to try and get me to look and act like the perfect mormon girl, but it was never to be.
 at some point i realized that striving for perfection was over rated.  i read this one page article when i was a teen at some point in one of my moms redbooks or similar magazine.  it was talking about how too often we strive to be the best at everything we attempt and if we can't be the best than we just give up feeling a failure.  the article mentioned that it was ok to be mediocre at many things rather than excel at a few.  it didn't make you a failure to try something and not reach some level of perfection at it.  you didn't have to have the right clothes and equipment to do each activity.  it was ok to be just ok.
 often i have found over my years that people who are at peace whether they have a religion specifically or not have a lightness to them.  they do not feel the need to judge others or be unkind.  it simply doesn't occur to them.
 these are out at the coastal refuge here in Anchorage. i know this doesn't look like a coast line many of you are used to but this is the beach here.
 with Ivy in heat it seemed a good place to go where they could play and not run into many dogs.  she remains a virgin still..
 it had actually warmed up...bummer though. i love my snow.  it was pretty windy down there, but in my mind that just would keep others away. this gave the pups a great opportunity to run and run and run.  they started chasing the ravens that were happily catching all the wind.  they wore themselves out and are out cold at this moment.
 next week they will be a year old!! my babies are growing up.
 Valentines Day is not a day i really celebrate.  it's been years since it was a day that made me feel sad or lonely or depressed i guess.  life is what it is.  love didn't stick to me...or i ran from love.  probably more the later.
 one of those dark hearted folks posted a meme today which didn't cause me to go into depression but it was really just not a nice or funny thing at all in my mind.  it said something like, if you got no valentine love today, don't worry, nobody loves you any of the other days of the year either.  why would anyone post this or think it was a funny thing to post?
 the brother that posted his little article about those who leave the church tend to not end up in another organized religion and he had stated, "embrace of 'whatever' is the loss of meaningful values".  really...because i don't believe in some conventional way i have lost any sort of meaningful value and no doubt myself and others like me are the demise of our society...of course, he liked this meme this other person posted. i suspect he would have liked to have left the church years ago, but by the time he figured it out he was married with several kids.  life gets complicated.
 i recall speaking to a friend who had married a good friend of mine.  they had been married for a bit and i can't remember if they had a kid yet or not but he was debating leaving the church.  i remember telling him that he had gotten married and made promises to my friend.  that this was the reason i had felt that making a decision about the church was something i had to do before i got into a serious relationship.  once you have made a commitment to someone it's never as simple.
 you either find a way to make peace with the life you live, change it or maybe you develop a dark heart of sorts.  you find a way to lash out at others.
 i watch these folks who troll on facebook, spreading nastiness or post dozens and dozens of posts each day filled with hate and anger at this or that...you can hate hillary or obama or trump or the person who disagrees with you on facebook... whoever...you can scream at them but they can't retaliate so it's safe.  all that anger can just escape onto social media. i do not respect our current iitoo, but that visceral hate i see for hillary or obama for me it's not worth it.
 i think flynn is a fall guy and the tip of the iceberg.  i want our nation to succeed and see this current administration as dangerous to our way of governing.  on the flip side...perhaps the corruption is so deep that this will be the way it gets weeded out again.  perhaps the apathy is so deep that this is how people get involved again.  out nation does not do well without participation.  hoping to see more of that.
 for how much many have slammed h and o, they seem totally fine with the current crazy.  they seem to be willing to "move on" and not investigate what is possibly and probably happening.  it's never just one guy...it's never just one guy.
 cracks me up and also shocks me to flip between stations...when something happens like this flynn thing i do like to flip over to faux news and see what they are saying.  not much.  nothing or else they were screaming about liberals who are trying to make this bigger than they think it is....and then they start screaming about h or o and emails...omg...enough with the emails!
 it did feel good today to see a piece of this madness take a fall.  it gives me hope that despite how corrupt the right has become, there are a few things that are still working. at some point Rus will turn on current.  he will prove useless to him. i suspect iitoo doesn't really want to be there.  this is not what he had in mind.
 puppies in the wind.

 the skies cleared enough to be beautiful and then closed back down a bit before i headed home.  it was probably a great sunset, but i think i had settled in for a bit.

 amazing how easy it is to waste time.
 Ivy is for sure more irritable than usual.  i do feel a bit of sweetness towards her...no idea what dog hormones are like but surging hormones are never good for anyone. hopefully we can get her spay done on time and not have to make her do this again.
 these guys are both sweet pups
 here you can see them and the ravens...they had a lot of ground to cover.  wide and open so they were good to go and they did.

 love to be able to allow them that.  dogs love to run, love to chase.
 i may not have love on Valentines or the other 364 days of the year in the standard form, but i have dogs...and that is love.
 our lives are not mirror images of each other.  we all have lessons to learn and i feel ways are created to help us to learn the things we need to learn in this life.
 back at the raven

 here is the raven taking a break.  i think it had fun with the pups too.

 tough to maintain with the wind blowing.
 really need to clear off this table in the office.  the waris stuff is stacked...so like my dad.
 lots of sky shots...it just was beautiful.
 hoping you all have light hearts and have peace.
 this is my love here...
  a long time ago i realized it was better to be alone than to be in a bad relationship. i also realized that it was important to invest in my dogs as they were probably going to be my longest relationships in this life. nothing freaky...they are my dogs.  why do i feel the need to clarify that?  there are some dark hearted folks out there who would try and make something rude of my relationship with my pups.
 watched a bit of the westminster Kennel club.  always find it a bit annoying that labs and goldens have never won best in show...how is that possible...bias.  there is always a poodle in the final group it seems.  not that poodles are terrible but really, almost every time?  and i would say the terrier group is way too huge!!  over 30!! mastiffs are not in the winning circle either.  there are certain breeds that do tend to get the big win more than others.  this year it was the German Shepherd.  i'm cool with those dogs.  the handler guy was very enthusiastic and energized.  he had on a suit but his shirt was all untucked from him jumping around.
 pups are in dream mode...so cute
 hopefully happy dreams of chasing ravens and running free.
 don't let the dark hearted in the world make you feel bad about yourself.  feel badly for them....as they fight the anger that is inside themselves.

 may light find you and may laughter find you.
grateful for:  A.  good works of cia, fbi, the good guys and gals...make it happen  B. media. they are being given a bad rap and i hope they counter with getting the big scoop that takes all these corrupt idiots down  C.  happy dogs running and chasing birds.  that they trust me.  that they are good pups.