Monday, August 29, 2016

Round Island sunset sets the mood

 a bit of a melancholy weekend for me.  happens at times. i find myself wishing i had a person in my life that i don't have and i don't see having.  most of the time, i'm good with the hermit thing, but sometimes you just wish you had someone in your corner.  someone to chat with any time all the time.
 a person who cares if you get home at the end of the day or wants to actually hang out with you.  most of the time i'm the after thought.  invited only if the other people you would rather do stuff with are too busy or if you need numbers at a party you are planning.  it gets depressing to always feel like you are the one inviting and never the one invited.
 these are bears in hallo Bay.  will just mix up pictures to keep it exciting.  :-)
 this is a female.  got to see some pictures from a co-worker who was just out in Hallo Bay a few weeks ago i think now.  they had a great time as well.
 yours truly, misfit extraordinaire.
 had some thoughts of trying to get the car loaded and take off today towards Denali Highway or something, but after working 3 nights i found myself less than motivated.  not sure if anyone else is coming to cabin with me at Byers. if it's just myself and the dogs we will manage.  i'm a bit melancholy but not wrist slitting...i have often had that sense that if i were to die tomorrow i would not be missed.  it's that whole "it's a wonderful life" thing but none of us get to see what he we impact others in this life.
 you just live day to day and hope you aren't forgotten too quickly when you are gone.
 get my walks in every day.  dogs are mostly doing well.  greetings are the toughest.  i'm not always as patient as i'd like to be, especially with minimal sleep.  thankfully, dogs are forgiving of our imperfections. with the other humans i always feel i'm not enough, you feel all your flaws staring back at you through their eyes.  i am woefully flawed.  the dogs seem immune to my many flaws...they think i'm a star.
 i miss touch.  being alone you rarely get touched by humans. i'm not a hugger by nature.  not that i'm against hugging, i'm just not a person who runs up and hugs everyone every time i see them.
 work...ICU for 1 1/2 nights and ER for 1 1/2 nights.
 sometimes you get to know a co-worker in a not so flattering way.  got that, "so this is how you are" feeling about one when i was pulled from my assignment in ICU to help out in the ER.  i get down there around 3 am to have a fellow float pool person dump her hold patients on's one thing if you are pulling me for holds and moving those patients, but she wasn't moving and was just giving me her patients...hard to explain, but it made my eyes roll..and i'm not good at hiding my irritation and i tend to speak my mind a bit freely at times.  she knew i was annoyed.
 it does feel a bit like i've been on a stretch of being on the bad end of decisions.  in the end though Kharma got her back.  it was slow, there weren't more hold patients coming our way so the charge had me give report right back to her and had myself and a third float nurse head on home.  i was happy to head home at 5 am.  a little extra sleep.
 in truth i had friends staying at my place this week while they dropped their daughter off at school.  they live in old home.  i only actually saw them Wednesday night after their flight arrived...after that they were only at my place when i was at work.  that was a bummer.  probably didn't help my melancholy mood to be so near friends and not be able to hang out.  they were not here for a visit with me though and i was happy that i was able to give them a place to crash.....just a bummer for me.  i always enjoy visits with friends.
 the older you get the more it seems you have less friends and more acquaintances
 last night ER..unbelievable how many people come to the ER for silly stuff.  then, these folks seem to think they are in a crisis mode and must be seen immediately.  crazy couple...clearly on something get pissed when the MD wants to do a tox screen and storm out AMA screaming about what terrible people we all are.  stuff comes in groups in medicine. i had the loonies and the dramatic.  i cough until i puke when i have bronchitis and yet i've never gone to the ER with my bronchitis.  got the feeling several members of this younger generation have a difficult time coping with a virus.
 pretty funny when i compare them to so many tough farmers/ranchers that i met in South Dakota who have contorted arms from when they apparently busted their arms or whatever in farming accidents and never got proper care for.  i'm sure the same is true in any rural area...we are sadly more and more a society of wimps.  i will include myself.  we are all much less self reliant. we are victims of the industrial age.  we are fast losing our ability to work out way out of situations.
 we haven't needed to.  i have more survival skills than the average American i'm sure due to all the camping and such i've done over the years, but just hanging a picture on the wall or mowing my lawn feel like huge accomplishments even though those are pretty basic home skills.  i'm not handy at all
 there is an element of younger souls, maybe more so up here, that embrace some of the old ways. are learning to can and hunt and gather. that are learning to be less dependent.  i'm impressed by those. i also love that show about the tiny house trends.  it is a fun contrast to shows about snotty folks buying weekend holiday homes and being "oh we must have 5 bedrooms and 6 baths and a pool and, and, and, and  " for their weekend "cabin" or "beach house".
 we were at the tail end of flowers i suspect during our time at Hallo Bay.  i may be at the beginning stages of fall colors this trip.  hopefully, i can sneak in a few road trips before the winter will be good for me mentally.
 just haven't gotten much in with the puppies this summer. Ivy is signed up for a class and i'm still looking to get Tusker signed up.

 worried i got sputum in my eye when the vent popped off the trach of a patient. that is not something you want in your eye. i have had nasty stuff land on me and one time i did get breast milk in my eye.  i was also at risk of getting covered with puke the other you want to be a nurse do you?  haha.

 wolf tracks above and below our new friends Irene and Rolf.  i emailed them with some pictures but never heard back from them.  hopefully they got them.

 lots of flotsam on the beach....sadly, there was a really large number of Murre carcasses as well.  there was a large die off of the birds this summer and we saw the evidence of that scattered all over on those beaches.
 brightly colored rope
 and fossils etched into rocks.
 beautiful scenery.

 hopefully a drive will help clear the melancholy from my brain.  possibility of aurora out there and good weather which will be great as well. the pups should get totally worn out on this adventure as well
 low tide.  it was so fun to walk miles out as the tide was so variable....

 love all the rivulets
 sand dollars were spotted on our walk back to camp
 eagle island in the back ground, sea weed in the foreground

 this rock was so pretty!! nature is amazing.
 another bear on the beach...headed to camp.
 this one opted to come right by our actual camp.  we came back into the camp area and the guides turned the electric fence on to keep him we were in the cage surrounded by electric fencing.

 a good sized male.

 there he is coming towards camp
 mostly packed, just have to load the car up tomorrow.  hopefully i can get it packed in a way that prevents the puppies from chewing everything to pieces while i drive.
 was going to just put the crate in the back like i did before but i need room for the wagon.
 it's less than a mile walk to the cabin, but the wagon really helps with that.
 cruising the beaches.
 better get to bed so i can try to get out of here at a reasonable time.
grateful for: a.  the folks that stick with the walrus cam even after the walrus  cam goes guys rock!!  b. getting off of work early  c. snuggling with my dogs.  where would i be without the dogs and the cats and the animals.