Sunday, March 31, 2013

Happy Easter...

 just me and the dogs.  we took a slow walk out gasline/powerline/tank today.  chocked on water at some point which led to a lovely gagging coughing spell.  very nice.  feeling like a social outcast for sure.  thank god for the dogs.  walked yesterday at rovers with a few friends, but between rio and my coughing and shortness of breath i really couldn't keep up that well.  felt bad holding them back and being a germ.  should have just walked alone.  thought it would be good to be out with other humans.
 went up patterson the other evening.  i had some annoyed energy and i hadn't gotten them out yet.  this is a doodle that lives up the road.  we hardly ever see this guy, but as you can see blossom was very happy to say hello to her old buddy!  they only know each other through the fence.  would be so fun to let them romp together sometime.
 was annoyed at a friend who is also single and whom i've checked in on when she doesn't feel good.  as a matter of fact i did this for weeks on end this past year.  she hadn't done the same for me.  it's not even that so much, it's just that this friend will never ever say "i'm sorry" or admit that perhaps she may have been wrong.  i'm sure i totally ticked her off as i was emotional and fragile.  she just took it personal rather than get that i was the one who was in pain.  sometimes you should just take the bullet if only to make someone else be in less pain. you shouldn't always have to be right.  somehow it's my fault as it always seems to be.  it's like my father all over.  he would do something that would hurt my feelings and then somehow flip it around so it was him that was hurt and me that was in the wrong.  i can be tough but i can also be sensitive.
 it's not really that this particular person didn't check in, it's that i have nobody that i am in regular contact with who would notice that i am sick.  it's that days can go by and my phone won't ring and my text won't chime off.  most the time, it doesn't matter really, but when you are sick to have to beg people to just check in on you seems pathetic and lonely.  i miss having those good friends.  i've had them over the years.  they don't need to be asked to text you or talk to you.  they actually just enjoy chilling with you, swapping stories.  i just don't have a person like that in my life right now.  as you get older it's harder to find these people.  everyone is just more busy with their own stuff, their kids, their lives.  you shouldn't have to be asking people to check in on you when you are sick, real friends will just do that because they want to, because they care, and because they were checking in anyway.  
 you can't creat friendships like that, they just happen.  i'm not the most social person. i'm not saying i don't have friends, i do. there is difference though between general people you do stuff with from time to time and a true friend who has a vested interest in you.  watched a movie last night.  it was set in china.  old and new.  in olden times i guess some women would like swear to be friends for sisters.  the story followed a pair of friends in modern times and  a pair from the days of old.  the older ones had gotten their feet bound together the same day.  that looked horrible.  wonder who decided tiny feet were the way to go?  anyway.  it was not always easy maintaining friendships over the years and all the changes but they were still invested in each others lives and people respected that they were bound to each other by this oath that had been formed between them when they were still girls.  it was called, "snowflower and the secret fan".
 the animals sleeping are always so peaceful to me.
 it was a beautiful day today.  the temperatures are mild and there is a constant drip's starting to thaw.  soon it will be spring. first we have break up. i even put a blockade up on the front deck and sat out there with blossom for a bit.  it was just so lovely out.
 overall, i think i am improving. still tired, but not as tired, still coughing, but not as bad.  still an occasional sore throat, but better.  my goopy eyes are almost not goopy any more. hopefully, the improvement curve goes much quicker now. 3 days of work this week.  don't want to miss anymore work.  not sure what missing last week will do for my orientation schedule.   probably just be on my own now everywhere.  they have me down for peat the last day this week and all three days next week.  i'll figure it out.
 watched my other netflix movie last night, "in a better world".  some aspects of friendship.  one weak friend gets sucked into doing something bad by a stronger friend who has anger and no idea how to diffuse it.  it's all okay in the end i guess.  the one kids father is fairly passive.  he's a doctor and goes out in the bush to do clinics.  it's set in africa somewhere.  he keeps treating these women/girls who have been cut up by this nasty warlord dude.  one day the warlord guy comes in asking for treatment.  he treats him as he feels obligated to as a doctor.  once the guy is ambulatory however and says some horrible comment in response to seeing another victim of his die, the doctor says, you are walking your treatment is done and he knocks him over and drags him out of the clinic.  the locals take their revenge and he just turns his back.  we can all only take so much.
 rio again crosses the bridge.  once you've accomplished something once, it gets easier.  lots of people out there enjoying the day.
 tired to take some easter pictures of the pups.  not sure these were the best, they were less than cooperative..oh well.  a few photo's were posted and enjoyed.
 do love these dogs.  i think the kitten enjoyed some porch time today as well.  she wouldn't go past where blossom was laying down.
another day, another round of bitching and whining.  my apologies...this is where i clear my head.  this and walking.  been a lonely week.   that happens to us all i think.  even people surrounded by others get lonely from time to time...sometimes even more so.   when you are surrounded by people you have expectations that those things will be fulfilled and you won't be lonely so it's almost worse to be lonely when you aren't alone.

Friday, March 29, 2013

mostly bears...

 felt worse today so i headed to urgent care to get started on a z-pack.  i'm about to take my tussinex so i can rest.  last night i felt a bit loopy on the stuff.  i'm clearly a lightweight.  it makes me a bit floppy.  just take it at night though for the most part.  not something i'd drive on.  throat is sore, the ibuprofen helps with that. the strangest thing is that my eyes are all crusty with yellow drainage.  so freaky.  i did feel better as my sister said a few of her grandkids got this with their last bug too.  i'd never gotten that before.  i've been putting cool compresses on my face tonight while i rest.
 called out sick.  seemed the rational thing to do.  i spent way too many years going in to work at jobs when i was obviously too ill and shouldn't have worked.  there can be pressure to be at work.  you can get in trouble for not coming in when you are sick but if  you come in sick people aren't happy either.  i find i'm the one that puts the most pressure on myself to try and make it to work even though i'm sick.  sometimes i think that stems from issues with self esteem.  you truely are sick and deserve to rest and take a day to heal...sometimes you just don't feel worthy of taking care of yourself if that makes any sense.
 we were encouraged though to not call out.  as a kid we either had to have a fever or be actively puking to be allowed to stay home.  i remember these two guys visiting me when i was i wonder if they weren't some sort of fever induced hallucination that repeated itself over my childhood.  no lie, these same two men, one short and fat and the other tall and skinny would come and torment me as i lay sick in bed as a kid.  they would taunt me by saying things about me not being really sick, lying.  don't worry, i haven't seen them for decades.
 the worst part of being sick for me is being alone.  don't know that i have much of a support group here locally.  i only heard from people because i reached out for them.  that sucks.  when i'm sick, i totally miss having people. i know soon i'll feel  better and i'll be back to the usual independant me.  i'm sure some of it is me.  i loved that movie, "the doctor".  it's pretty old now.  but he gets cancer and befriends a girl who has cancer as well.  before she passes away she writes him a letter.  she tells a story.  basically, the gist is that for years he'd held people at arms length and now that he needed people he needed to learn how to let his arms down and let people in.
 i think i do that.  i have this "i'm so independant" attitude that eventually nobody thinks i could possibly need them.  when the time comes that i do need people i don't know how to let them in.  i don't know how to ask.  really all i would like is for someone to just text me on occasion and ask how  i am.  no grand gesture, but to be home alone sick and have no contact from a soul unless i reach out is a bit disheartening.
 the people at the clinic were helpful and nice.  i went to an urgent care out off of dimond.  it was a long drive, but i'd rather drive a bit and get better service.  the mornings are the worst.  i didn't get there until almost 1.  then i took blossom for a short walk out in north bivouac.  then over to carrs to get cold meds, some food and fill the rx.
 mostly i'm just weak.  today was the first day i felt short of breath.  not bad and all my vitals were good.  i think all that walking and the swimming as well give me a good cushion lung wise.  it's been the goal.  it's what keeps me doing those things.  i need to get back to free weights once i'm feeling better.  i totally need to shape up and tone up a bit.
 it was fun watching these bears yesterday.  mentally i need to get out.  the dogs and walking is good for that.  the cold air is good for my lungs and i know i cough up crap by taking those deep breaths that come from exercise.
 so i think when i'm sick for several days i always have a meltdown day.  i think today was my meltdown, feel badly for myself day.  hopefully, the z-pack starts kicking in and i start to feel a bit better tomorrow.
 the coughing may not be too much better, we shall see.
 they were out on my street pretty early clearing snow.  too early for me to attempt photo's..still a bit dark out.  my neighbor parks her car so that it's butt end is out in the street.  the bummer part about this is that my driveway doesn't get cleared like it should when the street guys come by.  it's almost spring so not worth complaining about i guess.  just a wee bit annoying.  now i will have more to shovel that i think the big trucks would have gotten.
 love when the bears roll over like adorable!
 these must be backwards or he flipped again.  doubt this little bear could really take him so he must just be having fun out there.
 i think she's doing a little bow, like the dogs do. cute!
 still gotta do my dang taxes.  so slow this year.  i'm a bit behind on everything. gotta get my nome trip planned as well.  this past 6 day stretch off was pretty useless due to being sick.
 natalie posted a short speech by a new york senator, diane savino.  gives you some hope for politics.  i liked the stuff she said.  it was about equality in marriage.  she discussed gay marriage and how it's not about politics it's about fairness and equality.
 she talked about peoples concerns about gay marriage taking a bite out of what they consider to be the sanctity of marriage.  she pointed out the divorce rates, the silly tv shows about heterosexuals are the ones who seem to be destroying the sanctity of marriage.  she said it all much better than i am.  it was stuff i tend to think, but said in a way that made sense.
 there is nothing to fear from love and commitment, in fact there is much to learn from many of these same sex couples who have stayed with their same partner for years and years.  it's not a threat.
 i could meet a guy tomorrow and go get married without a care as to whether we are compatible or not.  government doesn't get a say in such things.  they just simply hand out the license.

 the bones scattered about are from moose probably.
 owl at the center.
 these always load all mixed up.
 black bear
 and in an enclosure nearby this poor has to wonder how stressful this guys' life must be with predators living in such close proximity all the time.

 musk ox and caribou...
 apologies for my little pity party.  like i said i think i generally have a day like this where i am reminded that i am alone in this world.  it's not easy.  this is why i believe any love should be applauded and welcomed.  it's not easy finding someone to share life with and anyone who does and is willing to make those commitments should be allowed to.  why shouldn't they reap the same benefits as other heterosexual couples who make the attempt?

 a few closer shots at feeding time.  those paws are always so enormous.
 happy to have him tearing at some slab of old moose meat than my flesh.  that would be a terrifying thing and i hope it never happens to me.
 this magpie didn't seem too concerned about the big bears he stealing food from.

 and a few more of the lynx snuck in here.  i think i got the pictures covered.

 i'm ready to take some meds and stop coughing.  it really gets old this coughing.

not looking forward to waking up to it all over again tomorrow.  hope it's a better day.  good night.