driving and talking to my uterus.....

 

i think my relationship with my uterus has always been a bit toxic. i had no idea the thing existed before i was 10 or 11. at that point i was given a few pamphlets at school about going through the change and becoming a woman.  i mean who comes up with this crap.  also, i hope we have gotten past saying that getting a period means you have become a woman...this just makes it easier for child predators to justify horrific behavior and for evangelical types to say they can make a baby so they can raise a baby. 

they can't do most other things.  they can't, according to the same evangelicals, determine which books to read or comprehend birth control, sex education or abortion. 

though these pamphlets were filled with drawings of flowers and happy talk...i knew as i read them, hiding in my closet (because i somehow determined that i was doing something wrong getting educated about my body, my parents never spoke to me pre period about any of this)...i knew this was not a great thing. getting a period...you can try to play it up all you want but it's not great

clearly i did mention this stuff to my mom after i got my period. mostly in the form of cursing a god that would do this to all females. what sort of god would create monthly pain and grossness. i was not impressed with this new uterus i'd discovered. my mom was not impressed with me cursing god every month. 

my periods came with headaches, acne and canker sores as well as cramps and all the usual joys.  was thrilled to get on birth control to contain the uterus's antics. 

i suppose on my uterus's side, i never allowed her to fulfil her role.  no children.  she just went through the motions and never got to hold a child.  it  just wasn't in the cards.  i never met the right guy and i had no desire to be a single mom on purpose. 

so while in Homer i was a bit surprised to find that my uterus may be trying to abandon ship.  i mean i am now 59, can you blame the girl. depressed and unfulfilled as she must be.  i was explaining to her that any exit she took would not end well for her. i guess a little prolapse is not unusual at a certain age. so not only am i out of shape on the outside, i must be a bit out of shape on the inside as well.  more kegels i guess. quite the ending to my birthday weekend.

birthdays...well, they are hit and miss in my life. mostly a strange combination of desire for some attention and anxiety over the attention. i'm not at all used to attention and though i think we all kind of like attention, we are not all that great at dealing with it.  social anxiety peaks at these awkward times for me personally. 

this weekend's original plans kind of got altered, so it was going to be mostly the dogs and i hanging in Homer.  i love Homer and the dogs so that is not an issue really.  it's just that it's so awkward anytime it's your birthday.  people feel obligated to do things and i feel like i can't really act normal.  i mean if i call people and it's my birthday am i obligating them to join in some celebration.  i mostly just try to play it off like it's not really any sort of day because...really it isn't.  

being from a large family, we did the minimal. i really can't blame my parents looking back. when you invite a bunch of kids over for parties, you are then obligated to allow your kids to join in those kids parties.  this is all gift giving and really costly in the big picture. i don't know how people afford all these parties and gifts. 

we chose what we wanted for our birthday meal and it was family and a few gifts.  

i think i had a few parties that i must have begged for and my mom relented.  mostly it's been friends who have come through for me as far as birthdays go.  still just a strange thing to learn to celebrate you or allow others to celebrate you on your birthday.  i'm sure for others it's no big deal or they love the attention and even scream bring it on. 

for me, i don't feel comfortable asking people to celebrate my being born i think.  i am also not sure what to do with the attention that does come

of course, now i also forget others who have birthdays...in general it all just becomes less of a deal in general as you get older i think. if it weren't for fb we'd all forget most peoples birthdays.  so just another social stress added on top of it all. obligations and social norms that become overwhelming.  lol.  can't really win.  i find the best way is to distract yourself with some fun activities to do and ride it out. try not to focus on the day being your birthday, try to be gracious to those who do remember it and forgiving of anyone who doesn't remember it. mostly, try to be happy and not weird. 

we do still have that kid in us though i think that hopes for a little something even if we aren't sure what that is or how to deal. 

so Homer, despite the rain, was a lovely weekend trip. hindered only by my uterus pondering her escape. 

there was rain and wind.  the tides were not too low.  one friend was there so i showed KR where to find the stars. i find the stars migrate from the spit mid summer sometime but early summer, even if the tide isn't too low they can be found there again.  

there was also an incredibly cool and delightful Birthday surprise on the beach that KR and i got to enjoy. not sure others would have noticed it, but i tend to note the smallest changes. so there were bubbles that were brightly colored in the sea foam.  i later heard from my retired marine bio professor that this is a sign of a healthy ocean/shore. 

he said it is the lipids and protein from the breakdown of phytoplanktons spring bloom.  the morning wind and choppy waters are what caused us to have that lovely beach color.  it was really pretty and a great birthday surprise.

the dogs had a great time just romping and getting in their beach time.  can never go wrong at a beach in my mind. they are tired today. i tossed the tennis ball for Ivy and she just lay there and watched it roll past....

i also spotted several moose on the drive back. a few with new babies. they are so cute.  such long legs. 

there was a new mom i was stalking in town as well. just one baby.  hard to get a good look at her.  perhaps later i'll look at the big camera and see if anything came out.

tried to stop at Deep Creek coming home but the wind was really going.  we stopped at Peterson Lake instead for a break.  the dogs were tired though so it didn't take much after 2 full days of beach romping. 

i have debated returning next weekend since there is a great low tide.  no rooms at the driftwood and looking at vrbo it's pretty spendy. may look at other options for those days off.

do have some garden stuff to do. who knows what i will do. it is a long drive, though a pretty one.  always different spots to stop and explore. 

ate with a friend and her family on my birthday.  low key.  didn't let her know it was my birthday. 

the cats were happy to have us all home...Covid Cat has been very needy and attentive. 

he's back in my lap again. he and Sunny Boy both need a good brushing.  he's covered in those seed pods from the cottonwood.

i really should get the day started.  the day after the long drive tends to be a lazy one. the dogs aren't too pushy to get out really. still need to find a pet sitter for July. i'll dig through my phone messages for a few options. 

the lupine will soon be popping out.  

not quite yet though.  

i did do a little retail birthday therapy. homer is good for that as well. don't always hit the shops or spend money but i gave myself the excuse to do it.  i bought like 4 bites of taffy. a little treat. haha. came home to a cupcake and card...so that was the extend of the birthday celebration.  

can't really believe i'm 59.  you get to this tipping point...how many years will i have left. it gets more dicey at some point.  i enjoy life on this planet.  i know my life is pretty simple but it's brought me a lot of joy over the years.  i do revel in the smallest details and beauties this place has to offer.  i enjoy all the seasonal changes and drama of Alaska especially.  

i may not have done any of those major things some others accomplish but each life has it's value and it's joys. we all deserve each moment that we are gifted here.  things like birthday celebrations shouldn't really be stressors. more just a mark of time passed and hopefully time to come. 

watched a program on human mermaids last night.  i'd laid down and covid opted to take a nap on me....so i watched while he napped.  mostly seemed like awkward people who found like minded people to be happy with.  that is all any of us want really.  just some people to chill with that bring us happiness and add to our lives. i may not dress up like a mermaid but i have found my share of other humans and canines to chill with.  we are all strange, awkward and unique in our ways. we do  not all fit in to the norms that tend to get established but we all deserve a place on this planet and a chance to find our own way.  joy, peace, laughter and love. 

hate really needs to be prevented from getting a foothold in our lives.  it wants to.  people try to ignore their own failings by directing their self hatred towards others.  mostly, those who push the box of strangeness because they don't fit the norms.  we can't all be normal or there would be no normal.  i always found normal to be dull and underrated. i don't have the guts to break out to mermaid status but i enjoy my own quirky weirdness and we should just enjoy others quirky weirdness instead of demanding they conform. 

so instead of celebrating birthdays we should just celebrate each day and each life we come in contact with and what they bring to us.  how we can enrich each other and make the world a better happier place.  this hate that we see all around now, it's exhausting.  aren't these people bored with hating on others yet? what will snap them out of it and bring them back from this dark place?  i have no idea.  

i hope it's not too long in coming and i hope that not many more quirky, beautiful souls will have to suffer the ultimate for their hate and anger. there is much beauty out there, if you just keep your eyes open....unless you are an old uterus.  then i guess you may have something to be pissed about.  

thankful for A. another year on this earth B, surviving the awkward most days C. the people who see me and my strangeness and still come back to chill with me and talk to me. 

the bears are out there...

 

so i did get brave and headed to the Campbell Airstrip trailhead. look what i saw as i pulled into the trailhead. i enjoyed these bears from the comfort of my car, unlike this biker. they got fairly close to the biker. no harm done. after, i headed to the dog park in shame.

did hit Kincaid with friends the other day and will try the airstrip again tomorrow but with a friend as well. crowds are better.  rain the last two days and work so i just hit the dog park. 

more homeless to add to the trail woes of late. they handed them all tents and sent them out into the neighborhoods. my cab driver is originally from Mexico City and says they have very few homeless there...that they offer no services to them so they do not have help to exist as homeless people. 

i really have no idea what the answers are. i know many do have legit issues, but there is also just an abundance of addiction/alcoholism and the villages kick out unruly citizens because they can't deal with them there...so the bigger cities get the brunt of it all. 

fire island would be good. send them there with their tents.  start a reality tv show...they could use the notoriety to make money i guess. my compassion does get low on this population admittedly.  being single hiker and female already comes with risks...adding in a crap ton of homeless with their issues and garbage...that also brings in more bears by the way.  last year i think 3 bears had to be killed due to interactions with the homeless, who did not take cares with their edible garbage/stuff. there was also a lot of garbage at this trailhead scattered about, post winter. 

humans are crap. that is the truth of it.  the only species that behaves in this manner. we are an embarrassment to the animal kingdom really. 

this week of work i was a sitter and worked holds in the ER.  last week...let me think.  i believe i was in the ER doing holds, which was much busier than this week and then i was in the ICU. i had an orientee so that was great.  not a bad week. i will either pay for it another night or i have paid for it in the past. 

my last night started a bit nuts but quickly settled in. the cath lab...well, they were a bit ridiculous. got report, went to look at the patient, who was still fully clothed. the plan was cath lab around midnight...but then the charge comes and says they are ready for him.  so we quickly got him ready to go so she could get him there. i went out and called cath lab to give a quick report, the charge answered and quickly hung up saying he was on the way and they were fine. the phone rings and it's a nurse over in cath lab wanting report..then they blasted off saying the patient had arrived..as i was talking to that nurse, there is an overhead page for me. the charge was calling asking about a medication i guess. they were now angry at me...a person who had the patient for literally 30 minutes. they did not like the responses i gave. luckily the person i got report from was still there and grabbed the consent form they wanted....it was already scanned in though. anyway...they were rude and flustered and it was all unnecessary. 

did get my rain boots planted for the front deck. will do more planting when i get back from Homer. gotta pack a bit tomorrow, pay bills, cat litter...the usual stuff. 

people have been backing out of the trip so mostly, i will be chilling with the dogs. will do a walk with my friend who lives there. K is still going so hopefully we meet up some. it will be a laid back Birthday but should still be nice...i love Homer.  always happy there.

only bummer is there are crap tides.  no really good low tides.  boo. 

had a good chat with one of my brothers last week.  more open about the religion than in years past...so the second conversation that wasn't impossible. i'm actually more blunt now than i used to be.  we all used to just dance around it as it was a hostile subject.  not sure what is changing.  i think several of them now have kids who are not 100% on board with the church.  maybe that is adding a different perspective for them.  maybe they are seeing that how they treated me and the end result of that is not what they want to happen with their kids and grandkids.  

it started a bit iffy.  i just have little tolerance for the church's crap at this point.  hard to be enthusiastic about things especially related to money.  i know they all just seem to look the other way at the financial dealings of the church...but they did just get fined over 5 million by the SEC for their practices. i hardly think that makes them trustworthy.  they have these kiosks that i guess is really only going to be a Christmas thing but they supply the kiosks and pay the fees but the money donated goes to the various independent charities they have in the vending machine.  sounds great but as i said, i don't trust the church. they seem to always have a work around.  i think free advertising for sure. free labor, proselytizing despite emphatically saying they aren't...they will have missionaries stationed there. 

i think there is also some fine print that says they can allocate funds as they see fit so what you think you are donating to is not 100% sure.  also, i suspect they can get credit for donations without actually having to donate from their vast holdings. can they claim it as part of their charitable giving? anyway.  i do not just have a blind trust in them.  i would questions all from the church.  

but anyway...we did have a reasonable conversation eventually. it's odd to me that they can't always see the oddity of their own religion while noting the oddities of other religions. spirituality and spiritual experiences are universal.  nobody has the corner on it at all.  many have believed they have had spiritual experiences when in starvation mode or on mushrooms. spiritual experiences have a pretty long and varied  history. drugs, nature, disease can all lead to spiritual experiences. 

was laughing because over the years there's been some presumption that i have been actively attempting to influence the nieces/nephews to leave the church.  i haven't. i moved far, far away.  partly because i already saw that i was the scape goat in the making.  partly because, i just had to go and find who i was without all the influences that i'd grown up with.  brilliant move by the way. 

the really f'd up thing about all these assumptions of me attempting to influence is that in truth my two oldest brothers were brutal to the church.  every chance they got they bashed the church.  this was when i was in my teen years. my oldest niece was also exposed a great deal to this constant debate and banter...so really if anyone influenced people to leave it was them. 

my oldest niece and i hung out a lot when she was a preteen/teen and i was in my 20's i guess. there is only 13 years between us. i commented to her that don't recall us having deep philosophical or religious discussions.  we were more likely to be talking about hockey stats and which players were hot. it's kind of hilarious that anyone believes i was cornering my nieces/nephews into deep religious conversations.  i had friends for that.  i had books i looked into.  no access to the internet.  clearly i didn't need tons of information to see the major cracks in the doctrine. 

she was telling me that her daughters softball team is putting scriptures in their batting helmets, it's a Christian school. everyone except her daughter. i told her she should show her Songs of Solomon. i always liked 8:8. my parents would be so proud that this is one of the few scriptures i still know by heart. haha. "we have a little sister, and she hath no breasts: what shall we do for our sister in the day when she shall be spoken for". lots of crazy scriptures in there. like so much else.  most Christians opt to ignore anything that makes them uncomfortable or would bring shame and doubt to their faith.  some of those things are in the books they hold up as prefect word of God. songs of solomon is full of fun stuff. 

her daughter also got a kick out of that idea. not sure she will do it but perhaps she will entertain herself with some songs of solomon. 

mostly, i avoided religion talk and still do.  i'm here and if anyone wants to talk i'm available. otherwise. i am just the aunt who left the church and is headed for outer darkness i guess. once you are pre-determined for outer darkness you no longer stress yourself out over the next life i guess. we were always taught that those who had the church and turned away would be far worse off than anyone who never knew of the church.  would have been better off never hearing about it really. that seems a no brainer to me. i think i saw a cartoon about that. 

have been trying to focus on not being lazy getting up.  with my knee pain i think i just have gotten into the bad habit of using my arms instead of my thighs. have felt like my thighs are weak.  i think it's easy to start thinking you can't do stuff as you get older and you just have to remind yourself that you can. saw a video of a guy trying to remember how to skip.  it's not conscious really.  i haven't done a cartwheel for ages. you just stop doing stuff. well i know there is like a 90+ year old gymnast out there so clearly she's still doing cartwheels. 

these are the bear shots.  i just had my cell phone.  a little reminder that in summer you should always carry the bigger/better camera. zoom is crappy on my iphone i think.  

the rest are from a few summers ago. 

we are greening up nicely.  quicker than expected by me really. 

look at that pretty star.  i don't expect to see many this weekend.  i'll have more time to explore i guess though. 

it's always a great escape. i tend to prefer to just keep myself busy over Birthdays. when you are single, it's not always the big party or anything.  people don't celebrate everyone or i guess not everyone have lives that are celebrated. i carried around this "you are special" plate my Mom gave us all for years but when you are single...you aren't really special or it seems strange to eat off of a you are special plate. just getting it out feels strange.  as they say, if things do not bring you joy get rid of them. i know my Mom thought i was special..

don't need the plate to prove it. 

will be nice to just hit the road.  make many of the usual stops i like to make. drop off some rocks perhaps.  take some photos, walk miles on the beach. wear the dogs out...you never know what you might spot out there. 

below is the tracks of a sea star. they don't move fast but they can migrate a bit. adult sunflower stars  can move one meter per minute ijust read. they have 15,000 tube feet. they can also bounce. 

i think i read somewhere one mile every 5 days or so movement if desired. 

we shall see where we end up exploring this trip. hoping no flat tires.  did just get the tires changed over the other day.  will leave the winter tires on the Element.  don't drive it far enough to worry about it for these short months/miles. 

so cab rides to/from tire change over.  

such sweet faces. love these pups. 

Sunny is getting braver in the water but he really has little natural talent at swimming. 

more stars. will just have to enjoy other aspects of Homer and hope for more low tides another time. it's funny i really didn't find the big star hide outs until fairly recent.  there is always so much more to discover out there. you never will find it all, never see it all.  

watch these travel nurses come up here and think they have seen it all by doing their little contracts. i know they are barely scratching the surface of the amazing things up here. you really can just go to the dog park day after day and watch the changes. it's dramatic. i love the drama of Alaska. 

summers pass fast but each day/week things are changing. the greenery is busting out.  i can see some flowers starting to work their way to bloom. 

star and anemones, closed up for the low tide.

many of the stars down there have 6 legs. stars generally come in multiples of 5. have written to my old marine bio teacher, retired now.  he wasn't sure what that was all about.  many of these stars here have 6 limbs. 

this guy is a standard 5 limb star. 

i better go crash.  reading a few novels right now. one on the phone and one on the ipad. grateful for A. the drama of Alaska and the beauty  B for another year of experiences and possibilities on this planet. C. the people who accept me for who i am and the critters who adore me despite my imperfections.