Saturday, October 21, 2017

what is faith?

 apparently it's Stevie Wonder...that according to Siri.  haha.  I've never been all that impressed with Siri.  it's hard to keep the faith some days. at least the faith in fellow humans.  faith in mother nature is a much easier thing.  the sun will rise and the sun will set.  it's not absolute though.  we could be hit by an asteroid. 
 faith in my government.  that is questionable at this time as well.  I'm on a wait and see path there.  nothing is sure but death and taxes they say. that is for sure. 
 as we build towards more military conflicts in  more places across this planet we will face more loss.  we lost 4 soldiers in Niger recently.  it's become a bit of a side show all this other drama.  that is out current potus though, drama, chaos.  many didn't realize we had anyone there and then we hear 4 died.  there are some questionable details, already an investigation as to what happened, why they seemed to have no air support, why the one soldier was recovered a few days later? 
 the current iitoo seems to have fumbled a bit on a phone call to the widow.  Kelly tried to fix it.  started out well, but then he went on and off on a tangent.  does sound like he tried to advise current to just not make the calls.  the current doesn't take advice though.  good intentions?  hard to tell with this potus.  he doesn't really seem to have any good intentions.  he seems to really only have self directed intentions.  it's all a show, it's all about ratings and distracting from reality.
 i can see that what was said may have seemed totally appropriate from one military person to another, but i can see that it would seem pretty cold from one who had never served to a widow.  the advice was to just write a letter, that a call would be tough to pull off...especially i suspect for one as bombastic as this potus. at this point the iitoo should just apologize for any misinterpretation and move on...but he is incapable of apologies and always resorts to defense mode so he makes it worse....
 these are on a weekend trek to Valdez.  July.
 the fireweed is a distant memory now.  everything is brown so it allows me some time to catch up on the summer shots.
 i finished and passed my exam.  i guess that means I'm certified.  not sure i really learned much new, learned how to properly memorize mnemonics in order to pass an exam.  i guess for some it gives them a framework to handle trauma's...but really, it's so far removed from reality that i can't imagine it's all that helpful really.  mostly these books are written by folks who have been away from the bedside so long and perhaps were only at the bedside for short times. 
 experience pays off.  it paid off in Vals case as a PEAT nurse.  it's good to have that experience in a hospital.  there are a lot of young and inexperienced nurses at hospitals and when the crap hits the fan, as they say, those young nurses will turn and look for an experienced nurse for guidance.  some times i laugh because some of these younger nurses can look pretty cocky at the onset...until the shit hits the fan, then their inexperience finds them. 
 hopefully, these classes do help folks with less experience, if for nothing else, it can boost their confidence i guess.  for me, it was just an annoyance that i had to get through for a few days. the instructors were well prepared and did well.  i got no complaints about them....just the systems. 
 we spend too much time in life i guess on the red tape of life. 
 so feeling like i want to relax and put this week behind me. 
 it is cold out there.  dropped this week for sure.  frost, water in dog bowls frozen, lakes freezing up.  winter has arrived...just waiting for snow. 
 went to bed early last night. woke up early...tossing and turning so i figured I'd write and attempt a few more hours sleep.
 the pups followed me in here.  love to watch them sleep. they have such peace when they sleep. 
 i did manage a walk after i finished the class.  i was in a hurry though and forgot my hat and gloves...it was chilly. we just did some time in Kincaid.  i think i dropped the chuck it at the trail head.  couldn't find it when i got home.  can't survive without a chuck it...i will have to hit a pet store and replace that.
 we just stayed overnight in Valdez. tented it.  there are rabbits all over town, domestics gone wild.  my pups were in chase the rabbit mode.  impossible walking anywhere in town with them on leash.
 this was just a quick stroll at the harbor.  always pretty.
 they moved the whole town after the '64 quake and subsequent tsunami.  you can still see some remnants of the old town site. not much left though.
 pretty kayak's....they are always out there.  well used a lot in the summers for tours, I'm sure put safely away at this point. 
 the pups have started snoring.  where will we walk today?  a few more hours sleep and i shall ponder that more. it's been clear most of week. cold but clear.  always bites to be in class when it's beautiful out there.
 a few little free libraries at the Valdez docks.

 one of the local...clearly not wild, rabbits.
 earlier Ivy was destroying yet another indestructible toy.  seems nothing is really indestructible.  i just toss stuff as it gets destroyed.  don't want them to ingest this crap.  amazing how you can discern the difference between acceptable chewing and unacceptable chewing.   i just have dog mom instincts i guess.
 all my electronics seem to be getting older and are probably on the verge of the end.  my TV has been randomly turning itself off and on.  not sure what to make of that. this only happens after I've turned it on.  it's not doing it after i officially turn it off.  that would be odd if it started to do that.
 the pups had a great time zipping around the dunes today.  can never go wrong there it seems.  i do always have a little concern that the big quake will happen when we are out there. the dunes would then become quicksand and we would all be sucked in and suffocate.  do other people have these thoughts?  i mean a huge quake is a possibility and the dunes would be a really bad place to be if/when one happens. 
 more local loose bunnies...you can see how all these rabbits would be very exciting to some doodle pups.
 woke up around 4 i guess...read, played some solitaire on the ipad.  had hoped I'd drift off, but that didn't happen. 
 love all the amazing wildflowers in summers.
 we took a short walk to the beach.  i think i feared i had dropped one of the leashes and then it started to rain so we didn't stay too long at the beach. 

 long enough for the pups to have fun. i think the rabbits are only right in the main town.  once you get out a ways i suspect the wild predators have more access to take them...bunnies that wander out of the city limits are risking their lives.
 a bit wet out but we enjoyed the day and then the drive home.  drives are generally pretty sweet.  i need to get new tires for my car for winter.  i suspect it's pretty packed. we do have snow coming.  it will get really crazy at the tire changeover places once that first snow hits.
 my car is old as well. hopefully, i don't have to replace everything at the same time.  that is usually how that stuff works though. 
 not too many deep thoughts today.  kind of nice to have a clear brain and ramble about nothing really.  my brain has been in overdrive for a few days. 
 overall, life is pretty simple and carefree if you let it be.  i prefer to keep it uncomplicated when i can. 
 that can be tough in this world.  avoidance is your best survival technique sometimes.  i tend to not allow myself to be overcome with emotion...well not allow or i just don't tend to.  the last time i really cried out of control was the night Blossom passed.  crying in public, i just am not one to do that i guess.  doesn't mean i lack emotions or feelings.  not sure i have any underlying reason.  don't think I'm aware of avoiding crying in public, it just doesn't happen. 
 not sure that there is anything to be interpreted from it. it feels strange though, i guess i feel strange when everyone else is crying around me and I'm just not.  i don't judge those who do cry, just feel like i react differently.  often i find i will cry at a different time over something random.  sometimes i just watch a movie that i know makes me tend to tear up if i feel like i am in need of a cry. i mean, i think we all need to have that release from time to time anyway.  work as a nurse i think sometimes means you learn, maybe too well, to hold back your emotions, to release them in a more controlled way at a later time.  i know there are many times over my years working humans and animals that i have just had to nip my emotions in order to focus at the job at hand and let others release their emotions while you are there for them.  it always seems like you have to be strong for others and put the lock down on your own emotions.  maybe when I'm surrounded by others crying it just instinctively makes me hold it together more.  or maybe I'm a bit of a robot.
 guess i shall try for a few more hours sleep. apologies for the mindless rambling post.  just clearing my empty head.  it's worked too hard this week and needed a day off i guess.
thankful for:  a.  each day, each breath, each heartbeat  b.  the love of furry puppies and a sweet kitty  c.  quiet hours in the night, silence, peace, stillness

Friday, October 20, 2017

should be sleeping...

 i have class tomorrow again.  can't say that i really got much out of it today. my brain just wasn't in it.  was thinking about the memorial before and then after i was just in a big of a fog.  came home exhausted and after a few attempts to study i opted for a little nap. 
 i just took a wee bit of NyQuil and figured I'd blog to clear my head a bit.  i rarely have issues sleeping but it's usually because too much is swirling around in my brain.  clearing my brain is my best chance of sleep. another co-worker made it through class on little sleep.  she has twins and a toddler so she probably rarely gets any sleep so i can't complain.  i have class again tomorrow. 
 after a short nap i was able to study a bit for this class tomorrow.  i really only missed one lecture so that worked out.  i saw a few from class popped into the memorial for a few minutes.  the room was pretty packed. my heart was racing a bit before my talk, but in truth it's a very forgiving group.  nobody likes to speak in public and especially in this situation.  the most stressful part for me i think was that her family was in the front row and you really just want to say something to ease their pain, their suffering.  not that this is really all that possible. 
 i feel i did as well as i could.  i  think they really appreciated the poem.  i gave her sister the copy i had brought with me, as i went to speak to her, she asked for it, i was already prepared with it.  she was really nice.  she can go on an Alaskan adventure with me anytime.  her father was also really sweet.  it was the first time I'd met them. i only had met her daughter briefly before.  she was having a tough time but hoping this ceremony helped.
 they did a little nursing ceremony at the end which was pretty cool i thought.  relieving a co-worker of her duties as nurse.  they did a little speech with bells and a candle and then all the nurses funneled through and put a flower on the table by her photo.  a few nurses dressed in Nightingale attire..thanks Megan and Gretchen.  if there were dry eyes, i think that made the tears flow...just to see so many of her fellow nurses.  i think her family was really touched by this...great job to my management crew for putting it together so quickly.  nice to see so many of the docs there that we work closely with....i heard they were all in tears as well. 
 working in medicine is a pretty special thing.  your co-workers are more than co-workers.  you just go through so much together.  so much that others just can't really comprehend.  it all bonds you.  add to that the time out of work.  we all have odd schedules so we end up chilling outside of work a lot too....plus our conversation topics can be about things that, well, other folks really don't want to talk about. 
 my social skills are never where i think they should be.  speaking is just stressful, i knew it wasn't long and i knew that Val would be happy that i made the effort no matter how it turned out...and like i said, nobody else would want to do this so i had a group of supportive listeners. that always helps.  thanks Michelle for saving me a seat and being my main support. 
 thanks also to the ENPC folks teaching that allowed me to take this time to honor a good friend.
 Feel free to linger,
For we are not ready,
To set you free,
There are many,
Adventures left,
So much left to see,
We traveled the lands,
We traveled the sea,
viewing bears,
And walrus,
Flowers and trees,
The adventures we shared,
Will stay in our hearts,
Though from this earth,
Your soul will part,
So again,
We invite,
Linger you may,
Stay in our hearts,
Our souls we pray. 
 that is the poem i wrote/read at the service.  always a good idea to end with something like this...that is what most will remember.  thankful for the gift of words.  not much money in poetry....I'll have to stick to nursing for the moment. 
 loved this of my friend Libby.  Ivy was being Ivy. 
 no walk for them today. i just felt too wiped out today to load them up.  did toss the tennis ball outside for awhile. my neighbor has gotten lots of tennis balls from me...her dogs must be thrilled. clearly, I'm not a good aim or i guess tennis balls do bounce. 
 will have to avoid the dog park for a bit, the ice is forming on the lakes. 
 the other day by the bridge i tossed the tennis ball.  it hit some ice that i hadn't noticed and skidded out another 100+ feet onto the lake.  Ivy made the leap and went through. thankfully, the ice wasn't too thick and the lake not too deep in that spot.  she had to crash through ice for a few feet but she came through fine. 
 there had been a female moose and then on the way back there was a big male moose.  obstacles. 
 on my walk the other day i had accidentally dropped my bear spray.  it sprung a leak.  lots of coughing and some difficulty breathing.  i was able to stick it inside one of the dog poop bags and finish my walk. so the bears will just have to go to bed now.  i do have an old can of bear spray so i put that in my pack for these last few weeks of bears.

 these are out at Byers cabin.  never got Val out to any of these cabins.  she did have a great trip to Fairbanks several years back with some other folks.  she got some fun northern lights pics at that time. i remember she was pretty excited about that.  i saw they had a nice display on the table.  i buzzed in and was more focused on my little talk to really look at the stuff until after. 
 jenga...always a favorite camping game.
 stopped by Talkeetna on the way home from Byers. 
 i think it was the only time i went to Talkeetna this summer.
 the NyQuil is kicking in and my head is clearing.
 now I'll have to remember all the stuff for this class.  it's for another certificate, required suddenly by ER..i guess it's to get our trauma status or keep our trauma status.  not sure. 
 for me it's again review and memorizing silly mnemonics and some order to manage trauma patients that fits the boxes of the course.  then i have the written test.  i should look over those answers as i drift off to sleep.  maybe I'll do that at lunch tomorrow.
 below is the bog.  haven't been there for a bit.  leash walks mostly for much of this.  i have been a bit lazy on this.  they are doing well off leash...that is why i need to sign them up for more classes.  get more on leash training in. 
 i think they would really start to improve with another class or two.
 chatted with my brother.  he's been riding me for my Skelly decorations.  joking that i may be going a bit overboard. his wife had said she should buy a skeleton for them as a joke...figuring she probably wouldn't...i ordered a target skelly like mine and it arrived today much to their amusement.  haha.  i had kind of forgotten about it with everything else happening so that made it even funnier today for me. 
 these skeletons are pretty amusing, i don't know why skelly cracks me up so much but he really does make me laugh as i come home each night.
 laughter and simple pleasures...why not really.
 these are at Cheney Lake. 
 i will have to be better tomorrow and get these kids out for a walk after class and before the sun sets.  hopefully, i can get through the exam tomorrow and get out of there at a reasonable time.
 kids in the bog in the rain. 

 fall is so pretty....the leaves have fallen.  i need to do a few more things before the snow falls..or after.  i need to buy new tires and get my furnace checked for the season. 
 loved Ivy's silly face below.  she is a silly pup.  she was pretty wound up today. 
 tougher and tougher to locate the tennis balls these days.  my head is clear so i shall retire.  the alarms are both set for way too early.  rest in peace Val.  you will be remembered always and missed. 
grateful for: A.  friends, support, hugs, laughter...co-workers, kindness  B.  naps C.  everyone who made this memorial possible today. it was much needed by all.