white privilege moments....

 many would mock the idea of white privilege but it's there.  mostly, in our bubbles as white people we don't really see it though. 

 tattoos are meant to tell a story and i have seen swastika tattoos on many occasions. too many to count really. several of these pictures are of my friends new puppy on a meet the dog outing.  so cute!

 anyway, I'd gotten report and the patient had been using pretty foul language with the previous nurse.  through the night though the patient was all, nice and showering me with "thank you"'s.  suddenly it occurred to me as i saw the tattoo that there was a probable reason for the disparity in treatment....i was white, the other nurse wasn't.

 we, as whites don't really notice this...the ways we just are treated with more kindness. the seemingly subliminal messages and outright hatred directed at those who are not white.  we can just blithely go through life, oblivious.

 they can't.  my heart ached as i thought how it must feel to run across these tattoo's for someone who isn't white.  as nurses, no matter how repugnant the person we are caring for we have to do just that care for them.  we have to show each person the same amount of care, respect and dignity no matter how repulsive they really are as a human..and we do a pretty dang good job of it too.  some days it breaks your heart a little though, giving kindness to those who you know are not kind themselves. 

 empathy is finding kindness for all, trying to find the good in all and hanging on to that to get through your shift.

 it's easy to believe that we have equality in our society.  we don't see as many of the blatant acts of racism that we did years ago...but sometimes it's all those things that you don't see that are extremely damaging.  not much i can do sometimes except be aware. 

 Black Lives Matter was really supposed to be Black Lives Matter Too.  it was easy to twist that so I've never been sure it was the best wording, but it's what came out in the moment and it's what caught on.  a few bad incidences occurred using the term and that was then used to discredit the entire basis.  as i look at these bodies emblazoned with swastika's though it makes it more real to me. 

 3 nights down, 2 to go. most of my work days are spent between ICU and ER.  no difference this week so far.  we shall see what tonight brings.

 still find myself ruminating a bit.  it's never easy to just walk away from people.  realizing that there really is no way to set a situation right. what could i have done, what should i have done.  i speak my mind and sometimes that will bite you in the end. 

 over the years i have pondered why the conversation happened with my Mom, i asked it of her the day it happened and got no answer.  after she died, after the initial heated discussion, it seemed to come to me.  i was insurance.  my Mom knew i was similar to my Dad.  i wouldn't let it go, i would speak out.  i would demand justice, i would want to right what i saw was wrong.  i have sarcastically thanked her many times in my head. I believe she counted on that though. 

 kids at camp at the dog park...liked the flowers.

 ultimately, she didn't trust him and i was the most likely to call it out. thanks Mom...

 for that i will forever be the bad guy.  during the first conversation that day i just felt strongly as the conversation went back and forth going nowhere....it had to be mentioned.  nothing i could do really, i couldn't change anything really, there was no paper trail, but he needed to know i knew.

 my friend was walking on the beach with me, after that first conversation i was shaking, but she said she felt from my side i had stayed calm.  another call came an hour later...that one i stayed calm in as well, though the anger through that phone line was pretty potent. he'd called her widower and told him how i just cared about the money.  that made it even odder later when he kept in contact with me, sent me flowers for several years. what had he known about the situation.  we never spoke of it. 

 that anger has remained there though with him....i believe that.

 it blew up again later after another heated discussion on other topics...there is always heated conversations.  most days i try hard to not take the bait, maybe i took it because i was tired.  you fly out of Alaska at 1 am, no sleep.  i am outspoken, i am flawed, i take the bait some days and it is always a mistake really. 

 winning an argument....in truth nobody ever wins in that intense of an argument.  truth is in a debate just because you win the debate doesn't really mean you are on the right side.  true debaters must be able to argue both sides with conviction and use facts to their advantage. 

 these pictures are at Cheney Lake.

 maybe for some not annihilating the opponent is seen as a loss and losing is not an option.  maybe i get under his skin because i don't back down.  i don't debate as well, but a few times i have not lost , i have not rolled over.  a draw occurred.  i know i have ticked him off.  i know i have shared his secrets, i know i will never really be let off the hook for any of that.

 i suspect it's what my Mom counted on. 

 i remember after my Mom's Dad passed she mentioned something about the will.  her father had deducted the monies her brothers had borrowed years ago from what they received. i don't think it was much in today's standards, but i do think it bothered them.  perhaps loans they had assumed were long forgotten about. death/money...it gets pretty nuts, even when there is very little actual money.  situations do arise, anger. i feel badly about that. 

 eventually, the right thing was done and i do appreciate that.  i honestly don't think there will be much getting past this though.  i think it will always be there, bubbling under the surface.  boiling up and over from time to time.

 i will just have to find a way to live with that.  i did what i felt needed to be done.  i still feel it's what my Mom had intended.  she no doubt hoped she wouldn't need the "insurance" but she did put it in place i think.  i was it.  me and my big mouth.  i can live with that i guess. 

 dragonflies are always cool.  Tusker took off after a big butterfly today. he doesn't just chase large birds.

 magpie.  they stick it out all winter here.

 the puppies are a bit amp'd up right now.  one more night. i usually don't do 4 in a row.  will have to take them for a nice long walk tomorrow.  where to go?  after all these bear attacks you get a bit more concerned.  not a pleasant option, death by grizz.

 baby birds all over the place.  Cheney Lake is always a good place to spot them

 looking up fun things to do in Valdez.  not sure how the weather will be. looks wet though. 

 just opened my email to find a gift card from another brother...THanks!! just realizing that my old rain gear died again so i need new...i shall use it for that! 

 look at these adorable babies

 TUsker is fine with this extra shift...Ivy will be really nuts tomorrow.  she is a cutie though.  we all have our flaws.  life tends to shine a light on them from time to time. 

 it's a process of learning and trying to improve over and over.  failing a little each day but also succeeding. 

 there will always be those in life who will see only your flaws.  we choose how much we allow those people to impact us.  after an incident, i tend to ruminate. it all comes back up.  eventually, i will just go about my days and it will recede again.  failed relationships, no matter what, show our flaws more intensely.  they are reminders of our fallibility.  also reminders of our cracks....how easy it is to be made to feel small.  we battle on though. each of us. 

 i see it in my many patients who are having trouble coping with the stresses of their lives.  who turn to alcohol and drugs, even suicide to deal with a life that can be incredible difficult for some or during certain periods.

 hopefully, we can help each other move forward more and tear each other down less.  i do feel bad that i have become the truth that doesn't wish to be seen.  i am forever associated with this. 

 more of the puppy.  so cute. so much energy

 mine are mostly into each other and the tennis ball at this stage of their lives. 

 hello Maizy!

 just gotta make it though the next 12 hours then i have some time off.  Ivy will have her root canal early next month

 can't believe June is almost over. 

 puppies love sand!

 dogs of all age do.

 kind of a mess though. 

 i better get moving and get ready for work.  may want to stop by Subway and pick up a sandwich for later.  no plan for a meal otherwise. 

 attempts at group shots...the best ones came later so I'll put those in another post.

 be happy,  be wise, try to forgive yourself and others...he's a decent person, loving father, i just have to remember this is not who he is really, it's just that i am this reminder of this less than flattering thing and i can't change that. no matter what, i am the face of that to him. 

grateful for A.  this crazy intense puppy  B. the calm puppy who balances her out  C.  the career that i happened into that reminds me of what i have every day.