Me Too in movies...

was watching a min doc on NetFlix last night.  done by Geena Davis.  i had no idea she was so involved in the issue of women in film.  i can see why they got frustrated by the status quo though. 

apparently, women had a huge role in the film industry when it first began.  before "talkies". after "talkies" there was more interest and money so the women were cast aside and the men just took over. it has remained this way. 

back in the time of Shakespeare there weren't any women actors. men played that role. women simply weren't allowed. 

mostly the roles for women in modern film era were side roles.  beauty the main need. they were often the only female on the set.  a great deal of misogyny and sexual assault occurred. they just had to tolerate it. there were female producers/directors but they were given few opportunities. 

Davis set out to prove the movie industry in the wrong as all she got was denials. men were just more qualified, had more experience. in truth women just were rarely given an opportunity. oddly the director of the doc was male. they want more of a 50/50 split though.  

of course, the me too issues are on the back burner at this time as the assault on women is much bigger. it's an assault on the basic rights that we had thought we'd put behind us. it's never going to be behind us though. women will always have to fight for the basics. 

the right to abortion, which is a very general term and is more about control than the lives of fetuses.  the right to get a divorce...some states are now inching towards attacking no fault divorces.  this would mean that you can't just be miserable in a marriage you have to prove the person is having an actual affair or is actually abusive. much of this is not easy to prove. the right to birth control and therefore self determination. this are some pretty major issues. 

the sexual assault stuff will always be there. the pay inequity seems like it will always be there.  as a kid i recall often being told that men should get paid more as they are the actual bread winners of family. that women were taking these jobs away from men and that men should have them over women as the bread winner of society. 

imho religion only exacerbates these issues. the things i was taught, how women were to be.  draconian really. 

in the religion i grew up in...polygamy. i recall speaking to my sister and saying maybe they could excuse a guy taking on 1 or two extra wives for the lame excuses i always heard but if you take on 10-60 extra wives...that is perversion. pure and simple. when you ask the questions about polygamy and the mormon church....the truth is we were told so many lies. i wrote a blog about this last summer.  much of the questions i asked the true answers were out there.  they even came from church sources.  those were never the answers we got though. 

these men took on other peoples wives, they married kids. they sealed themselves to dead women who refused to be sealed to them in life. there was never some abundance of women in the wild west that needed to be cared for and even if you did lose a brother and felt an obligation to take on his wife and kids...the only reason to marry them was to have sex with them.  in truth what fool would take on an extra wife/wives and kids in such tremendously difficult times and then opt to add even more children to the mix. it's nonsense. 

all this talk of drag queens and shows grooming kids. or gays grooming kids. it's not the reality.  sure there will always be bad people in any subset but the most obvious group at this time that are grooming kids and abusing kids is religion. 

when i think of all the ridiculous social things that were drilled into my brain.  how much i have had to deconstruct over the years.  things that at times i know i'm still deconstructing. 

these religions often destroy self esteem.  the whole premise.  you are a bad person trying to find your way back to God.  you are a failure who must prove yourself worthy to return to God. i was even told outright that the sexual assault i dealt with should be kept to myself.  we don't want to make things more difficult for others.  just shut up...

when you are informed that you are not worthy of protection, it makes you more susceptible to more sexual assault. i often believe my rape is a direct result of this feeling of not being worthy of the fight. i was literally feet from people who could have stopped it but my training said, keep quiet. don't make waves. we don't want to hurt other people.  good girls are taught to be nice. 

the truth is...don't be nice. 

i totally get these women who are currently in court speaking out about things rump did years ago to them. things that they kept silent about.  we were taught to be silent.  if you do speak...you, the victim, will generally be blamed.  how can you ruin his life. over what? so what he groped you. he has a family to care for. he needs to make money to support family.  do you really want to destroy his life over this.  it's your word against his...on and on....you can't prove stuff. 

most sexual assault and rapes just go unreported.  mostly, in my case i was just more cruel to myself. how could i lay there and do nothing.  you just want it over. you just want to get out unscathed.  you don't want to make a scene. i'd been groomed to behave this way. that this was somehow going to be your fault. 

so many things over the years. i was flashed more than i can recall.  front flashed, men jerking off in front of me. groped. patients...well that is a whole other story. how many lewd comments.  patients grab you, attempt to pull you into bed. 

women have just put up with stuff for years, for generations. 

am i mad at religion, yes. because so much of the misogyny has been born of religion, has been perpetrated by those in religion. so much has been covered up. the catholic church for years attacked women...it only really became an issue to do something about when it was boys that were being attacked.  native girls were killed. the churches took children from their loving parents to civilize them.  this isn't remote.  there were native kids in my ward growing up that were put into regular white families. it was always posited that we were doing them a favor. helping them.  

we were told in church that darker skin color was a punishment by God. they were less than. so not only was misogyny blatant so was racism. 

at some point we are all responsible for accepting or looking the other way at these things. these issues that do not harm us but do harm others. 

it is why i am angry. i know people, good people, who opt to just look the other way.  they are not stupid. they choose to look the other way. to just not ask questions about the obvious. the things that make them uncomfortable, but since they choose to buy into the larger views of the church, they choose to ignore the blatant misogyny, homophobia and racism. it's a choice. 

what true church of this god would have these things so built into the system. 

that is the rant of the day.  

the reason i blog.  it's just a means to release those things that could eat me up inside. i'd rather just scream on a blog and then go on with my day. happy to be free of such views. 

forever disappointed in those who choose to buy into the crap. 

is god a god of love or is god a god of hate and revenge. at this point i'd say i'm more agnostic/atheist. the next life will come or not.  it's about this life.  enjoying and embracing the good here.  being accepting and loving to the fellow citizens and creatures here. now. you shouldn't have to be bullied and threatened to be kind. threatened with eternal hell and damnation.  you should be kind and compassionate because that is the right thing to do. 

all of these issues swirling around the right. the social issues that they pay so much attention to...they go under live and let live. things are complicated.  sexuality and gender, abortion and family planning.  they are not things you can think of as black and white.  sadly, some are seemingly only capable of seeing the world in black and white. it's much more nuanced than that. 

one thing that is black and white for me though.  if a religion claims to be the one and only true church but is based on lies and hate and misogyny and homophobia and racism. it can't possibly be the one and only true church. 

i found it wasn't true, therefore i left.  

many will make up their own reasons why i left.  they will always do this....honestly, they are groomed to do this.  groomed to determine i left because i lost my faith, because i was weak, because i wanted to party...the reasons are out there. either way, according to church doctrine...because i "had the truth" and walked away i will go to outer darkness. i will be worse off than any who never heard the truth.  i loved a thing i saw. this guy comes over from China.  someone comes up to him and says have you heard of Jesus. he says no as he's from China.  then the guy is like, well now you have.  all those in China that never heard of Jesus are safe from the fires of hell but now that he's heard, he must accept Jesus or burn in hell.  he's all, then why did you tell me? 

i head back to work again tonight.  i still get some anxiety the 24-48 hours before i start my run. much better than the anxiety i had during the height of Covid. i often don't really recognize that this is what it is...which then causes more anxiety until i realize that that is what it is. heard that anxiety is really just being extremely sensitive and that we shouldn't bash ourselves for our sensitive natures.  that being sensitive is a gift in many ways. it makes us much more aware of the struggles of others. 

generally, once i get going back to my stretch, i'm back in the mode. just the usual stress of working at the bedside. 

it snowed yesterday. all day really. it stopped briefly and i took the dogs on a leash walk in the neighborhood. perhaps we will head to the beach today. i think some friends will be in town. maybe will just hit Point Woronzof.  less bear/moose risk. more mud risk though i guess. 

sorry for the rant. i'm happy that i got out when i did and that i went through much of the deconstruction on my own.  it is interesting to see the struggles of so many on exmo groups on fb and tiktok. they do seem to be even more indoctrinated now than we ever were. not sure why that is. why it seems the next generation was pushed into even deeper indoctrination.  maybe it, like so much, has to do with the internet. it makes information more possible but it also can make misinformation more possible and constant. if you are on christian (or other major religions honestly) feeds you just get the information pushed on you constantly i suppose. we were mostly free to think for ourselves growing up.  when we were not at church, we were just out there doing other things. now it may be that the church is just more present. 

it's foreign to me, having left in my 20's really. i left before this access. i spoke with non-member friends. i read the main scriptures. i didn't have access to so much real information on the internet. i was also free from the further indoctrination that comes with going on a mission, going through the temple, having a family in the church. my leaving was as uncomplicated as it could have been really. i got comments and i got a lengthy letter from a family member. i find that those who fought hardest against me walking away...were the ones who had questions of their own but feared asking those questions.

i  can't imagine being my age and trying to deconstruct. i see many doing it.  it's much more devastating though.  almost your entire life given over to this belief. loads of money as well. i would think it would be too much to bear, finding out you were wrong.  because, as was my case, it all piles on. once you figure out the religion you grew up in is bull, then you start to question everything you believe, everything you were taught. 

well, i better get the rest of the day started. meeting friends at Point Woronzof...it's been decided. then nap and then work. 

thankful for A. finding truth out so early in life.  B. having been through deconstruction without all the other baggage that comes with life muddying up my ability to see the big picture.  C. having friends who asked me so many questions about why i believed this or that.  making it all seem so ridiculous and absurd.