why i write less these days....

 

the easiest answer is that i am calmer, more settled. it took me 60 years but i think i've mostly gotten there. i'm happy that i struggled and analyzed everything. it actually goes against what i was programmed to do. that is to just ignore anything that doesn't sit well with me. 

life is good and life is bad, but mostly life is worth living. i have struggled with negative intrusive thoughts for most of my life.  the first i remember it was when i was 10-11. i have also always questioned things and have never been satisfied with the standard non-sensical explanations that were meant to just put off actually questioning things. thought terminating cliches. heard them all the time growing up and was never satisfied with them.  things like, there are just things we aren't meant to understand in this life and it will all be clear in the next life. what that really means is quit questioning things that make no sense that your brain is telling you are ridiculous and wrong.  

early on those were thoughts about polygamy, racism and continued revelations that seemed more like convenient "revelations" over actual revelations. some brains just work differently and i think i've finally come to better accept that there are aspects of how my brain developed that made it more difficult for me than other family members to just accept the unacceptable. to this day i'd say none of them really like the polygamy history and continued belief of polygamy in the next life, but they still just brush it aside with thought ending cliches. it just doesn't bother them. 

i think another thing that was hard to let go of was the hope of what is and what could be when it comes to relationships and what really is.  we were taught all this family is forever but in actual practice. family really is the ward you exist in and blood relations are nice when it's convenient but the church will always come first. before anything.  literally anything. i had some unrealistic expectations of what family was and that led to a lot of sadness and disappointment.  

you finally just reach a point where you are more realistic about those relationships and what is possible vs what was never possible. covid and a certain painful interaction were just the glaring proof of the reality that i had been unwilling to accept. in that i was still hanging on to the thought stopping cliches. hope does that. you want some happy family that you have seen play out but the reality just will never match up. 

it had to be accepted that these relationships were much less deep and meaningful and much more surface and expected. when push came to shove. the support and kindness and acceptance just do not exist.  the desire for a continued relationship, minimal. in the end a quote about not being mad about things but more just being done attempting to make more of something than it ever was. protection, acceptance, those were bridges too far. i kept crossing the bridge and hoping they would be there on the other side to meet me.  they weren't. when i stopped calling, it was clear that mostly they wanted a minimalist relationship.  one they can claim is deep when in reality it's more superficial. 

i also had to accept that no matter who i became, what i did in life, i would be judged. i would always be in a certain box.  i'd left the church. that was who i was from the moment they figured it out. i was the sister who left the church.  the scape goat, the black sheep. ultimately, it is what it is. you can't take the labels away once they exist. people label all of us. in different groups we interact with we end up labeled and that is just the label we will exist with in that group. i was different in this group and then i moved far away and that just made it easier to put me in the box.  at some point you have to find your peace with how others see you and just be happy with how you see yourself.  also find others who see you in a more positive light than a negative one. you have to respect yourself. 

there is also an acceptance, that is painful.  i am nobody's favorite. everyone i know has others in their life that they will always value more. that can feel lonely at times. i am the favorite of the pets i share my life with which is probably why i devote so much time and effort into those lives. 

so it becomes an acceptance of being your own favorite and being happy with whatever place others are willing to give you in their lives. being happy you have a place at all.  accepting what that place is, whatever that may be. 

people come and go in our lives.  some stick around but have new roles.  the best friends of childhood are still very good friends but that bestie part evolves. i think often many of us miss those childhood friendships that were all encompassing. as adults we end up, if we are lucky, developing multiple various level friendships and relationships that bring very different things to our lives. i can still count on MJ to tell me what i need to hear with brutal honesty. one day a few years back she just announced that my one brother is just an ass. i think that was how she put it.  it was all i needed to hear really. it stopped me from ruminating.  the reality is that sometimes people are jerks to us. on the flip side, we can be jerks to others. none of us are perfect. it's good to allow yourself the respect to let go of those who have proven they haven't earned a spot at the table. 

that doesn't mean you have to ghost them or be nasty to them.  letting go, setting boundaries, seeing people for who they are and what they bring to you can be enough. not giving them the power they once had.  it's a way to not be angry, to not feel hurt, more of an indifference.  they have had their power in you removed. 

so i write less because my brain is just calmer and at peace.

i'm less likely to put myself out there over and over without getting the return. i walk away more. i'm more willing to just do what i feel like doing. each day on this earth is a gift and i have had so many wonderful people wander in and out of my life. so many amazing experiences and adventures.  more to come i hope. it's a release just finding that acceptance and wishing for more than what is. i am nobody's best friend and the chances are i never will be again. that also means i don't kick myself over it, wondering what is wrong with me that nobody wants me as their favorite. i'm imperfect but so are all the other humans on this planet. it's not personal, it's just reality. it's the nature of life on this planet.

so i've done more hikes and drives solo lately. 

i also welcome hanging out with others. i do find myself paying more attention to things like, do i initiate these relationships all the time? how one sided is it.  is every text interaction or phone call started by me. just some cues that perhaps i'm more invested than the other people are and to back off more and let them seek me out, or not. 

the shed is completed. the basics anyway.  happy to have that done.  trying to prime the outside of it. gotta hit the warmest part of the day. paint prefers a bit warmer temperatures. should be mid 40's this afternoon so i will hopefully try a bit more. waiting for some storage shelves to arrive and then i'll put those together. i got the lights up inside and have begun refilling it.  front will be dirty shed stuff and the back will be cleaner stuff. perhaps more summer, camping items. clear the garage up a bit. maybe a little reading nook.  he just needs to come put on the other handle.  set up the inside for Covid Cat. he hasn't really figured out his entrance yet. 

in the spring i'll paint it all. well, not the back.  got another dump run in.  thanks to LS!

lots of walks, some alone with the dogs, other times with friends.  

we had the pumpkin massacre yesterday. successful again. i do love Halloween. the new Skelly's are out front with a pirate theme. we have only had a light dusting of snow so far, but it's coming down the mountains further and further.  

Sunny Boy chased a young moose at the dog park the other day in the rain.  the Mama moose stood up and at that point Sunny Boy came running back to me. 

i still have anxiety at times.  it's greatly improved, as is my overall mental state, by taking Mg Glycinate. i also have a spray that is holistic for calming, better coping techniques and just plain recognizing the anxiety.  accepting what it is and how it plays into my current life. 

work, it's still work.  less anxiety inducing than it was.  i've stood up a few times to just say, no to assignments.  my anxiety levels increase with the most ill patients. part of me wonders if it's just time to drop ICU.  i did get an assignment change and i have tried to spread the word requesting i just get standard icu patients.  i have to admit and accept that at this point i probably have some ptsd from working with critical patients for decades.  it's more about managing it at this time.  in some ways i'm happy i have stuck it out, conquered the worst of it.  learned i can handle those patients still, just that at this stage, i prefer not to.  i need to get the resume created. i look for job options.  at this time i'm keeping the higher paid 2 shifts/week and plan on retiring from here at 62. that is now less than 2 years away.  time to sort it out. 

the two shifts/week have been much more manageable of late. i still feel some resentment to the hospital overall.  they have never shown any gratitude for those who stuck it out. no respect for those who have experience.  it's disappointing to say the least. it will never happen and that is something i need to accept or just walk way from.  until i find something that i want to do and that will pay me a decent wage i'll stick to this and look for a second part time gig that is very different. i'm at the high end of the wage, i am not going to be wanted in another job for my experience and expertise, that will just mean they have to pay me more. age discrimination is real. 

we are not well respected professionals, we are glorified fast food workers.  the top administrators do not value us for what we do or what we know or the experience we have.  we are only valued for how much they can get from us for the lowest price possible. 

it's been a lot of harsh realities over the past few years. it's honestly been heartbreaking at times.  i do feel like i was broken and i'm rebuilding who i am. the anxiety was just a sign of my mental fragility. 

no matter how painful things got at times, i am grateful for the life lessons and life experiences. i've had things much better than so many others.  my life, in general, has been pretty carefree.  so many others have had so much more to cope with. makes me more grateful for my overall chill existence. 

still, we all have our things.  it's better, in my mind, at least for me, to work through it all. my brain demands it. 

these photo's are from a train trip to Spencer and above is from a trip to Homer. 

Sunny Boy turned 3. how is that? i'll never really get over the loss of Blossom or Tusker and how they happened. Blossom for passing away alone. Tusker for the drama of Covid impacting his cares and for passing so young. the other losses hurt but i at least had some time to prepare emotionally. Sunny Boy has brought a great deal of joy and comfort to me.  he's the most snuggly dog i've ever owned.  i needed it. he was perfect for my meltdown era.  Ivy Rose is the sweetest girl. not sure i've ever been so beloved by a dog. 

cooked up some pumpkin seeds and cooked down the pumpkin pulp. perhaps i'll get some pumpkin bread made today. 

it's the little joys in life that bring the most satisfaction.  

for me, that is mostly found in nature. i've always had a relationship with the world around me, finding the smallest and most beautiful things. 

took a fall out there the other day. huge bruises. i slipped and went down on my knees but my shins bounced off exposed roots.  i kept walking but later that evening the pain was kicking in more.  i finally looked at the evolving bruises.  yikes! ice, elevation and ibuprofen. looks real nasty now. 

guess i really should get motivated and get some stuff done. winter is coming fast and i do want to get the stuff out of the yard and into the shed in an organized fashion. 

the stuff i'm hemming and hawing about is probably just stuff i need to get rid of.  plenty of that out there.  plenty of that in here too. someone mentioned my generation and how it sucked that we started out buying records, then we had to change to cassettes and then we bought CD's and then it turned into streaming.  such a bother. i did finally dump the last of the cassettes.  the records were gone years ago. i still have cd's though.  i also dumped most if not all the vhs tapes but i still have dvd's. that's all streaming now too. 

photography has also evolved.  first we have film and then it was on on discs now it's stored on line. 

lots of that needs to be just gone through.  need to ship some of the old, old family photos that i still have off.  i don't want them to be yet another thing between my siblings and myself and i have no kids.  i snagged some precious stuff because, lets face it, my parents house was a mess and that stuff was strewn about with little to no care.  the diaries were dispersed and i sent my sister my Dads old Navy top. i left so i really never snagged that much.  it's been fun enjoying them, but i'm at that time in life where it's best to let go of stuff, not hang on to it. 

in the end, that is all most of us are. a few items that remain 100 years after we are gone. after that less and less. in a few hundred years we are all mostly forgotten or just a name on a list of relatives. none of who we were carries on. these truths also made me more skeptical of the forever family concepts....that and divorces.  it all gets pretty complicated. the Mormons want to baptize all who have existed except records only exist for a finite time frame and after that the wealthy perhaps had some records, the royalty, beyond that there is no record of all the people before us.  it's idiocy really. the entire concept. when does it cease? at what level of caveman did Jesus save?

enjoy this life for yourself.  do not waste time in terrible relationships, hoping it will change.  do not stay in religions that do not bring you satisfaction.  do not stress over details that will not matter in 5-10 years. 

politics, i've stepped back some.  no point making myself nuts.  i vote and that is about the extent of my power in this situation. those who support this fool.  i have less and less respect for. if i'm on TikTok i just block the maga fools as i block them i just say, idiot in my head. 

it was never about the religion, values, ethics...it was about getting their way. about pushing their way on others. trump doesn't have good values, ethics or morals but they look past that, just like they look past the craziness in their religions.  Clinton was terrible character for what he did by having an affair, trump, well, it doesn't matter.  it's about money and it's about power. that is all they ever really wanted and there is no amount of religious flatulating that will convince me otherwise. as some have said, the Christians have spend a few thousands of years telling us to stay clear from the antichrist and now they vote for him and raise him up as a God. jokes on them really. 

all i can do is hope that enough of the other citizens in this place see the truth and vote him into oblivion.  will they? i wish i had more confidence in my fellow citizens. 

well, i better get out there with the dogs.  then get to priming again.  ladder time!

grateful for A a calmer and more peaceful state of mind. B. a beautiful fall C. the people who accept me and want me to remain in their lives in a meaningful way.