not sleeping, so i'll write to chill out my brain

it happens some times. more when i'm stressed and the anxiety levels are increased. thank you politics. 

i have a very mixed bag of emotions these days.  sometimes i'm totally grey rock on everything and everyone.  i suspect i'll probably be this way with many trumpy family members for the foreseeable future.  they made a choice and it's not just about politics as usual. this decision will probably screw me and every other non billionaire. they have voted against themselves. why? mostly because they were manipulated and convinced that the only thing to do is tear it all down so they can get "their way". sadly, their way is not really what they think it is.  people they actually do care about will be harmed in the process...or killed. 

their ignorance led to fear and anger, which made them very easy to manipulate.  that is how it works.  they live in a box of their own making which means it's really easy to other those that exist but outside of their box. most do not believe they've met a trans person so therefore it's easier for them to fear them and believe the scary things told to them. in truth many probably have met trans folks and just have no clue. this whole bathroom thing. they share bathrooms and space with people of all gender definitions. have they used a bathroom on a plane or bathrooms that have both male and female signs on them. it's just piss and shit.  

if these fools were so concerned about protecting women in bathroom spaces why did they vote for a known misogynist who has a long history of SA'ing females.  known relationship with Epstein. of course, it's appearing that being a mysoginist with a h/o sa'ing females is required to join his cabinet.  these trumpers do not care one bit about protecting women. they care about protected one or two named women who were killed by illegals but not all the ones killed by regular american citizens.  they don't care about the women killed by their anti abortion policies. they don't care about women beaten by their spouses. they vote against these protections. 

they also do not care about children.  they voted in support of destroying the education system...this will include programs for disabled kids, deaf, blind....but the gop/trump do not care about any of these folks. they don't care about veterans. trump was angry at having to take photos with disabled veterans because he thought it made him look weak. they want prayers and the 10 commandments in the schools but not free lunches or gun safety. they do not want to feed the poor or warm the homeless. they do not want to help anyone.  they scream God and Jesus at the rest of us like we are the bad guys, when in truth most people leave organized christian churches because they are so far removed from the messages of Jesus. they are instead tax free corporations that protect child molesters. 

i now have to worry about whether my retirement savings will dwindle to nothing or if i'll have any social security left to rely on.  will i have any type of healthcare, will they raise the retirement age and force me to work until the day i die. all they have is the line, "concepts of plans". they have zero plans. so many of the voters who voted for this idiot and his band of fools rely on or will rely on these same things.  the gop could care less about workers rights.  they were like kids running for class president with promises of things they would never deliver on but they knew the voters were too stupid to not see through it all. no tax on OT really just meant they will increase the hours worked in a week or month so that there will be no OT to tax. 

rounding up illegal workers will just destroy us, putting tariffs on imports will just hurt us. i can't thing of any time in history where rounding up people has turned into some positive thing. it's always turned into a hellscape and abuses/deaths/sexual assaults happened. 

this idiot is owned by russia as i suspect several of the others are. putin blasted nude photos all over their news right after the election along with posting reminders to trump that since putin helped him get into office he owed him. 

so some days like this morning i have a anxiety/panic moment.  i can't impact how others voted or what they believe. it just feels like there is half the nation that is empathetic and sympathetic to the plight of others and are capable of seeing the larger picture and then the other half that are just worried about how much they paid for eggs last week. 

they have clearly all forgotten what a disaster he made of covid.  they have forgotten covid all together. i haven't. i was there.  being treated like shit. having to deal with all the lies and misinformation. i remember all the chaos of every day of his last administration. 

have avoided much of the news.  many are. tired of the self blame and weakness on the left.  the right is not playing legal or fair and are breaking every rule.  the left is trying to be too hard to follow each law. all charges were dropped on trump for his role in the insurrection and for stealing secret documents as he left the white house. he gets absolutely zero accountability and the right cheers. as long as they can "own the libs" they are happy.  hate is what leads them. i can't keep listening to they are not abiding by the law this way and that way, but again, nothing is going to happen and they will continue to get away with every illegal act. 

all these years of them calling everyone else the devil, the antichrist, satan...who are they following? what is arguably the closest we have in our generation to an actual antichrist. they have been made to be convinced that god almighty is on their side so it doesn't matter how they get their way, what laws are broken, what horrible things those they vote for do in the name of making this government a white supremacist, christian nationalist society.  they want schools to indoctrinate kids to christianity because so many are leaving churches, they are less able to indoctrinate them there. sadly, that indoctrination has led to some pretty selfish hate filled folks who feel superior to others in every way. that is what religion often does.  you are in the right church, only you have the truth, everyone else is going to hell or to a worse place.  

it's scary because we can see history and how these sort of religious take overs of nations has led to horrific things. rights taken away, people killed or imprisoned. 

there is another part of me that gets calm at times because there is very little impact i have in this current situation.  it appears he will not sign legal required documents of ethics and nothing will happen....he will be "sworn" in to uphold the constitution which he clearly has no plan to uphold. i'm angry that so many fellow citizens/family have voted for this jerk. for many a 3rd time.  i can't believe i've voted against this 3 x and still here we are. it's something we have to just go through and survive now. these idiots will just have to fafo as they say.  will they figure it out? will they just stay in their box and continue to be told to blame the liberal left for everything that happens even when they control every aspect of our goverment?

we will find out if any of the gop find the spines they have lost track of all these years. 

i have denial at times.  tell myself, something will happen that prevents him from getting back in office. i have no idea what that would be but hope is eternal i guess. 

i don't want to speak to people who i know would defend him.  i've also decided that when i do have to have these conversations i will no longer do anything to make others comfortable in their choice. if you voted for him, i will not silently sit back and allow you to be comfortable with your support of this horrible person. i will remind you what he will cause normal, decent people, the pain he can and undoubtably will cause. the pain he already is causing due to his homophobia, racism and misogyny. 

we can only hope that the gop is filled with infighting and chaos that slows down their ability to inact the project 2025 they have laid out as a plan to change us from a democratic republic to a white christian nationalist, oligarchy. they have patiently plotted for decades this take over and here we are. 

their biggest flaw is who they have selected as their leader.  

i'm plugging along.  tough to get out of bed some days.  many days really. thankful for the dogs. they get me outside, walking.  once i'm outside i know that helps.  it's been beautiful. love the long winter sunsets.  went to visit the dead fin whale that washed up.  

plugging along on the to do list.  i have surgery coming up.  tack up the uterus.  sounds like a fairly easy fix. i guess they could just remove it, it's a useless organ for me at this point. less invasive is better so a laproscopic surgery it is. i've got nearly a month off to recover.  more than a normal person would need who isn't a bedside nurse, but my work last week was a good reminder that this job is not normal and we often are lifting and twisting and there isn't anything we can do about it.  stuff just needs to be done.  stuff that anyone outside of the job would have zero understanding of. i mean, i can't even believe the stuff we are made to do to take care of patients, even ones that are dying. 

i just have another 4 day stretch of work days coming up and then i'll be off for surgery.  may try and pick up a shift the week i have surgery.  they couldn't switch me and just said to take it off. i can work that week though.  i turned in my paperwork to get paid for the time off. it's a strange thing for me since i've worked without a gap my entire adult life. fool that i am. 

i'll feed the dogs and then try to sleep again. the dogs next door are barking.  i find that they bark for a long, long time after the owner leaves for work. 

right after the election i deleted a family group app. i just don't want to deal with them normalizing things. i'll keep things civil but don't plan on going out of my way to act like this is all just politics as normal. it's not. it's a case of morals, values at this point.  one side wants to destroy groups of people...lgqbt, those of color, those with different immigration statuses, women, children. they want to take from the poor and give to the rich. they want to make life worse for regular workers. they have 3 tries to wake up to what is happening and each time they have chosen this path. a racist and a rapist over a woman. 

so i run through all sorts of emotions these past few weeks.  i run through all sorts of scenarios as to how i deal with others. i get stuff done, i don't get stuff done.  

the time will pass no matter what happens.  this place will go on and i do believe that once they have run their course and made things worse, progress will finally come. this is a pattern globally.  the religous rights last hurrah. they are not the first religion to come and go. there have been so many Gods over the 1000's of years humans have existed. they want to bring on the second coming...go for it, but i do not believe they will be happy with what that Jesus would have to say to them and how they have behaved. they might find that jesus is more pleased by those athiests and libtards. 

i do not worry myself over the next life or the second coming at this point. i just try to be a decent person. i am far from perfect but i know i am trying to put others before myself. i have met many people from all walks of life.  i see a larger picture. i may not always understand where others come from but i accept their paths, even if they are different from mine.  if christians would not push their agenda on others i would accept their path as well.  sadly, that is not the current state of christianity. 

will get the business part of christmas done and just enjoy the more pagen/non-christian elements. 

the break will do my body and mind good. ive had less stress at work but i know it's not sustainable stress level. do need to get the resume made still.  i've delayed it. 

perhaps i can do some de-cluttering during this time off. light duty at home.  walks with dogs.  all are good. 

it's foggy out right now.  was drizzly yesterday, blah, bleak. did get out finally. once im outside it's rare that weather hinders my walk. wind is really the worst for me.  it makes the wildlife spooky. 

i work the night before thanksgiving and then join friends for a meal.  should be nice. then i'm off til Saturday, tuesday and wednesday. holidays...may be very uncomfortable for many families.  these politics have caused some major riffs. people voting against their kids.  the right wants to do away with gay marriage, living together, interracial marriages. it impacts so many out there and honestly, destruction of families that you claim to love seems a pretty tough hill to back down from. 

even if you claim it won't impact those currently in these relationships, if you toss it back to states then many will not be able to move freely in their own country without breaking laws. they also want to get rid of no fault divorces and force women to remain in abusive relationships. they are threatened by the fact that women can take care of themselves and do not need men as much as they want to think they do. childless cat ladies, such as myself are being demonized. they voted for that line of thinking.  you do not get to cherry pick when what you voted for is destructive to others.  

for the life of me, i have no idea what they want of people who are trans?  do they want them to just live miserable? do they want them to just kill themselves in despair? they again want to remove them from military service. always so weird to me that they hate these people so much that they want to protect them from serving in war zones. you would think they would love to put all these people they see as evil deviants right in the line of fire. 

gender issues and abortion are both super complicated issues that most on the right have zero clue about and have no desire to attempt to comprehend it all.  they just scream xx or xy, when that is so not the case. 

writing has once again helped clear my brain.  it's after 8 am. guess i'll feed the pets and then try to get some more sleep before i wake up for reals and walk the dogs. 

need to do more rock painting and find some craft to make for local gift giving. i have some ideas but not sure yet. 

grateful for a. the dogs and how they keep me motivated to get out of bed and outside. b. living in alaska, it's a red state but it's also a bit protected by it's distance and mass c. that time will pass, nothing stays the same and eventually love and kindness will rule the day. 
 

and just like that my brain is screwed...

 

i will be processing this for some time.  in the afternoon i turned on the tv and my gut dropped. the orange fool was going to win. i knew it in my gut. dreadful. i shouldn't be too surprised but it's still just so painful to realize.  i mean, this horrible person got over half the votes. over half the people know what a terrible person he is and still decided this was better than the alternative. 

their hatred is enough to make them sign on with this horrible agenda. 

i have voted against this pos in 3 consecutive elections. it's so clear what a terrible man he is and yet here we are. part of me feels more calm. the fact that i've voted against this 3 x makes me feel that at least i have done what i could to try and stop whatever comes next. whatever that is, it's on these fools who keep checking that box. fools that are now gloating, loving that they get to own the libtards once more, because hate is their agenda. they are too stupid to realize it yet but their fear and hatred was used to manipulate them.  it's on them now though, forever.  they didn't just misunderstand and vote for him once, they've now voted for him 3 times in many cases. 

he's our generations embodiment of Hitler and they have voted for him thrice. how do i feel about that and them? it's hard to just talk about the weather with people who believe this is the best direction for our country.  we are not immune to the most horrible things that humans are capable of. his team has already begun planning for these detention camps they are giddy to put people in.  sadly, many Latino's voted for them and these are exactly the folks they want to detain, deport, even if they have been naturalized...because they want to use some old statutes to denaturalize naturalized citizens. even if eventually, the courts do prevent this from happening, the pain and suffering could be astronomical. 

when in history has detention camps turned out to be a positive thing. how will our society survive a purge of legal and illegal immigrants. many who are now citizens voted against their interest in this and the interest of their loved ones.  his team can't wait to get back to separating families. there are still nearly 1000 kids that were taken from their parents at the border during his last run as potus that have never and will never be returned to their families. 

this Palestine mess was also a big factor in the lefts loss. many who want to support the people of Gaza decided that the Dems aren't doing enough to stop the genocide over there.  that the US sides with Israel too much.  there is some truth in all of that, however, their choice to not vote, vote for trump or vote for a third party probably just caused the death of thousands more Palestinians. Trump would happily build a golf course right over the bodies of these people. he's made it clear he will support anything Israel wants to do to the people of Gaza. 

my heart also breaks for Ukraine. they must be terrified at this moment. Musk and trump have both been in contact with Putin and they fully support him just rolling over Ukraine....and lets face it anyone else he choses to in Europe. trump has wanted to take us out of Nato so that is another horrific plan with terrible consequences. 

not to mention taking gay rights and womens rights and the rights of minorities back 100 years. there are men on the right now chanting, "your body, my choice". that's great. a vast majority of white females voted in favor of all this.  they are so convinced that abortion is just random fetus killing, including after babies are born? total ignorance leads to fear and hatred.  they have been manipulated into watching their daughters and granddaughters die preventable deaths as they accept refusal or delay of life saving care in obstetric cases. 

the right wants to dismantle gay rights, they want to tear apart families that have gay parents...even if they know gay families, it doesn't matter because to them God wants them to destroy other people in his name apparently. in their heads they can both love a gay person and destroy that persons love, life and family in the name of their god. also on the wish list are interracial couples and couples living without marrying. 

luckily i was protected a bit by working this week. i worked picu so that meant it was childrens movies on the television. also i was working with a crew that had similar thoughts to mine.  not always a common mix in this red state. 

the next night i was a sitter in the MHU so again no tv.  

the "news" is more just analyzing what the Dems did wrong...because everything in this crazy world is always the Dems fault no matter what it is. even the dems blame the dems for everything in their need to understand. this is truly a case of people knowing that the man they are voting for is extremely flawed(a gross understatement) but just ignoring all of it because they have an agenda.  an agenda filled with hate but one they will deny the rest of their lives. hard to deny voting for this man 3 times though. once, you can be like, who knew? 3 x though. the man performed oral sex on a microphone. they have decided the cost of eggs will be cheaper under trump. can't pay more for eggs and gas, better to destroy lives and have the cheaper eggs.

they now have to ignore his history of sexual assaults, cons, impeachments, racism, misogyny, bankruptcy,  associations with a known child sex traffickers, questionable relationships with dictators...i mean the list is long. 34 felony charges...all of which he will conveniently be let off the hook of because of this election. lucky him i guess. in their mind all of it has been a witch hunt because they refuse to believe that they could ever support such a terrible person so it must all be made up.  many still believe he has been sent by God to usher in the second coming of christ. it's total insanity. 

how Nazi Germany happened is just so much clearer. there were and are people who decided to not believe it ever happened. ignorance is bliss.  my brain doesn't work that way though.  empath. a modern day affliction of actually giving a crap about the pain and suffering of others. i'd assumed this was a universal trait but it's not really. fact finding is also not a universal trait. many have been groomed to just avoid any fact that doesn't fit their agenda. you can say things over and over and they will just keep thinking it's fake, made up, untrue while believing only the best in things that have been proven over and over to be corrupt and lies. 

as i said, it's going to be much harder for me to just chat with people who support him about the weather and what not. i'm surrounded by his supporters. so many of them want to just pretend this is just another normal election. how dare the libs want to not associate with them. it's just an election.  we are terrible people for wanting less and less to do with people who would vote for not only him but this racist, misogynistic, homophobic agenda.  they have forgotten that they were the ones who still deny this ass lost the last election, deny that the insurrection was anything more than just a tour of the capital instead of an attempt to overthrow an election. 

at some point voting for this agenda is a character flaw. when families are divided and women and children are dying the blame is with those who allowed these hateful people into the highest positions of our land. project 2025 has some horrible things that will impact all of us. they love freedom but they have pushed us down a path that will continue to dismantle those freedoms and make us more of an oligarchy than we already have become. they want a white christian nationalist society and they know they are on a time crunch. 

so i woke up in the middle of the night with anxiety. more related to what to do now. how to try to normalize abnormal. how to maintain relationships with people who want the worst for people who are not like them...in the name of God no doubt. how to protect myself from the stress of each day under this man. the last time he was in, each day was an assault on normal, an assault on civility and kindness. 

they smile to your face but want to destroy the lives around them, their neighbors, their family members.

in reality, my personal day to day may not be impacted more than increased prices from insane tariffs and possibly the destruction of social security...which will impact me greatly. it's like in the time of the nazi's though. you are safe while this group is selected, then the next group and the next group. you sit in terror waiting for your turn. feeling powerless to help those around you who's turn it is. watching others gloat at their success in destroying society. 

the only positive is that once it is all over, perhaps decades from now, we may end up with a more progressive life.  not sure i'll be alive for that part. there could be a lot of doom and gloom in the meantime. slowly for each category of people on their hate list, which is long. 

so that is where my brain is right now. in a panic mode at times.  overall, i've been calmer than last time he won because i do feel like i am on the right side of history on this.  i've been on the right side of history this entire time. there is a little peace in that. 

the neighbors dogs are all in an uproar. i just went outside because i thought Sunny had joined in. he was just laying on the deck though. good boy. i have good pups. 

it's warmed up and the winds have blown a bit so it's become icy.  i have a pcu class later today and then a hockey game. socializing is not high on my agenda but will be a good distraction i know. 

i went to bed early so it's not too odd to be awake early. hoping to take a little nap after i finish this.  head clearing is why i blog. i realize it could be a reason to get me killed in a worst case scenario. i'm pretty much of the opinion that it's all easy to discover.  would my family turn me in if this were a nazi situation...sadly, yes, they probably would. 

those dogs next door are barking like crazy. nothing to see. i keep giving my dogs the all clear. 

young swan. these are from a trek to Homer. 

i looked up a few houses for sale in BC the other night. many are pondering getting out of the states. it is tempting.  not really practical. if i was younger it probably would be. i always tell people who hate refugees that they should happily take the first round at the very least since the most capable and equipped are the first to leave. 

wanting to put batteries in the new dog bark repellant thing i just bought and try it out. my friend said that since it only covers like 30-40 feet distance dogs often learn to just move to another area and bark.  still would put extra distance.  also it would impact my own dogs, barking or not. 

no batteries, but its now charging. 

not helping my anxiety.  

could just move someplace more remote and become more of a hermit than i already am. fully embrace my crazy cat lady position. 

it does anger me all these posts of folks on the right wanting us all to be all kumbaya with each other since so many haven't accepted those last results and supported the violence, but also because they want us to forget that their vote may forever hurt/harm people who are kind hearted, but who just exist and that pisses them off. they have spent years now hating trans people, these lives do not harm them.  they pee in a toilet and that is all it takes. god forbid they have to share a bathroom with a trans person. less than 1% of the population...they are paranoid that kids sports is inundated with trans kids when in reality is only like 40-50 kids nationwide.  paranoid that somehow being gay/trans is a catchable disease. that trans surgeries are being forced on everyone.  

mostly, they want to terrify any kid around them that may have any lgqbt tendencies to hate themselves rather than be allowed to be who they are.  

the rights and benefits they take away will impact them even if they haven't realized it.  that is probably because they have chosen to ignore the 2025 agenda.  anything that supports or helps anyone can and will be on the chopping block.  the trump brigade doesn't like anyone who is not in the right box. they will take away rights for special needs, veterans, poor.  they are fine with hungry kids, because as we all know, they only like fetuses and not actual living breathing children. because to be hungry and poor  their parents are hungry and poor and so they are hated for their place in the social scheme. 

i'm irrational because i feel a healthy and educated population is great for the nation in general.  i'm irrational because i want to allow others to live as they wish as long as they do not harm others.  i'm irrational because i think folks should read what they want and that children should be taught to be accepted and to accept others and to think critically. i'm irrational because i want separation of churches and government.  these churches have far overstepped the boundaries of separation. they preach that they must be republican or go to hell some how. these churches hoard money and help very few with their vast holdings. it's immoral.  it's unethical...but morals and ethics and boundaries and laws do not matter if they are making it impossible to enact a white christain nationalist agenda. 

i've ranted but i'm sure my brain is not done yet. each day will hold more and more.  how to keep myself sane in the world that will be life under this jerk another 4 years. we are overdue for a death in office and he has made enough enemies that his loss is always a possibility.  i will not cry over his death. there are many who have abused their powers over their people who i would not cry over their loss.  these people do seem to be like teflon and never seem to face any consequences.  if anything, they die in a bunker or hiding in drain, quick, not painful enough deaths truthfully.  it's never close to the pain they have caused in their lives to the people around them.  people who are just trying to find their own small piece of happiness in difficult times. 

overall, i know my life has been one of privilege. i can move through it will a skin color that can make me invisible.  being female has had it's negative impact at times, but as a middle aged/older female i also move about invisible. 

i better try and rest for a bit and restart the day. 

this will be the new normal.  the madness of what hell has been attempted with each day.  they will be better at getting their agenda in place this second time around.  they have found the other like minded extremists and purged those who have some loyalty to the constitution and order of the past. 

we are just helpless pawns.  

good luck to all.  if you voted for him, i do hope you wake up to the hell you are imposing on your fellow citizens before your number is drawn. you are not safe either. nobody is. can we carry on like nothing happened, like you didn't vote for a convicted felon, a racist, a misogynist who has raped and assaulted females and who took away womens rights...i don't know really. i suspect it will be there at the surface.  can you truly be friends when you have to tip toe around topics. are you truly family when you know they will always put their political and religious agendas before you? i guess that is me putting my agenda before the relationships too. i just can't look away from the suffering this brings. we all have a responsibility to do even the most minimum thing, like not vote for a fascist leaning jerk. 

what am i grateful for...A. the 4 years of relative normalcy we have just had, we needed a semi-break from the madness for our mental health B. those who are like minded that will be an island of peace and safety. C. the relative safety of who i am and where i live.