you try to live a peaceful existence then the shit happens

 

it's been a bit of a shitty month in a few ways. at work really. overall, i have been freezing hearts and putting them out.  got a positive post in the fat tire bike group on that. i've had 5 kittens to fatten up. i've called them the Big Bang Gang. so cute. they came to me at 5 weeks. no mom this time.

you put positive out and then life slams you.  a few incidents.  first trying to get report from ICU in the IMCU.  the ICU nurse had not gotten the bp under control and was unable to give me parameters or a way to get to those parameters. somehow this frustrated her more than me. i was deemed to be difficult. i'm sure i was growing impatient with the answers i was getting. exasperated she finally said, so are you saying you won't accept this patient. not how it was. they got an order for a cardene gtt that she had repeatedly said the docs had refused to order and sent the patient out.

i was also sent to work in the ICU this last stretch despite requesting that to be over. wasn't happy, especially since they gave me sicker patients. the charge, resource and the nurses around me were very helpful so i really did appreciate that. i can still do the work, good to know. it did remind me that i don't want to anymore. i sent a note to someone in my management team so we shall see if that happens again. 

then the other night peat shredded me for ordering an ekg. the patient had chest pain and they were working on a critical patient. figured i could handle this. assessed patient, got vitals, ordered the ekg and then came out to contact the nurse practitioner. the charge had called peat a second time and they overheard that i had ordered the ekg and were not happy i guess. i mean,they could have just d/c'd the order?  i had time to page the np a few times and the ekg got done before peat showed up. they went pretty ballistic on me about this ekg and i had to finally say something like maybe we should focus on the patient and you can yell at me later. 

all was fine. i wrote a bland note but then saw that the peat nurse had written a petty and attempted disparaging note about the ekg  i had ordered. i amended my note. she neglected to mention the first call to peat (before  i even was made aware my patient had cp). because of her petty note i had to cover myself. so that was shocking to me, that anyone would get so bent over a non-invasive ekg.

maybe this is part of transitioning out of icu.  we always have peat and practitioners around so i will just page the practitioner before ordering anything in the future. when i first started the ekg machines were just on the floor in many places and you just ran one. the computers keep track of stuff more tightly. some things were better before. concerning that floor nurses at the level of pcu are deemed incapable of dealing with a basic cp issue.

not good to piss off such a petty and vindictive nurse in peat.  i'm not the only one who has found her to be a bit much i guess.  i ran into one of the icu docs on the trails.  we talked.  he thought it was ridiculous as well for her to get so angry over this. they could have just seen patient then pulled me aside and told me i'm not allowed to order an ekg on the floor.  it's better i guess for cares to be delayed.  welcome to modern medicine.

so 3 incidents in a month. hopefully, that bad stretch is behind me. 

my life overall is happily dull.  i sleep.  do errands, read, play with pups,cats and kittens and make ice hearts. 

it's nice to just accept my place as a villian in this life. the people who accept me for who i am are there and the animals. the rest, fuck em. 

i live in a beautiful place and i love each adventure i take. these photo's are a testament to the beauty that i have been lucky enough to enjoy all these years. 

i love the winter as well. the beauty and the peace of it. the early sunsets, the late sunrises.  

none of these sweet kittens made it. it has been rewarding doing this work for the shelter. many are just born too small and getting them to survive is a challenge. i also do not have an incubator, i don't gavage feed them. there is a bit more of survival mode at my place i guess. bottle and gavage feeds are not without some risk as well. 

i've sat at the doorway a few times of the kitten room with the dogs. they love to interact with the kittens.  let the kittens come to them. this group has been healthy so it was nice after a few rough litters to have that. the smallest is just shy of 1.5 pounds. 

they are good to return to the shelter to find homes tomorrow. always a tough day. i'll try and drop them just as the shelter opens so i can get the dogs out for MOnday walk and heart drop. the temps warmed a bit but are now back down again. 

the hearts i left at the dog park were gone but the n. bivy ones seemed to have survived. above is Ivy with a box of tennis balls from my friends. they get them used. they are perfect!!

these are from a trip to Valdez

from June.  lots of wildflowers popping out in June.

i'm still bitter about the incidents at work. wish my brain was better at letting go of that stuff. that nurse probably wrote her nasty note and then moved on. bottom line, what a bitch. 

the maga following is mostly bots from other nations.  not shocking really. the numbers of his most cult following are not nearly as large as they appear. most that voted for him, just don't pay attention to what is actually happening. that in no way means they are not to be held accountable, at least in my mind. ignorance may be bliss but it's not freedom from responsibility.  

the bull continues. they are doing a great job tearing the nation to bits.  the gop have not been able to really govern for years. they are all about fear politics and corporations, greed and money.  everything they accuse the left of they are doing themselves.  

a group of tourists enjoy the glacier while i play with the dogs at Matanuska

i often stop there on the way to Valdez. it's a nice break. 

trying to remember where this campfire was.  hmm.

this is powerline pass hike

views of downtown Anchorage.

this looks like Reflection Lake

back in Valdez. reading and chilling

Biscuits came to me ill. that probably didn't help her babies. she did recover and found a new home.  i really hope things are going well for all of them.

this is Byron

the babies are so tiny when they arrive

just started a book in the kitten room. they had knocked it off the shelf so i started reading while the kittens climbed around on me. cleaning and napping. it really is great mental health therapy.  i go in there after work and just escape in a room filled with purring and cuteness.

my cats aren't that excited. Covi Cat had a little adventure into a neighbors home. the home is in the neighborhood behind my house. a lady has a cat door and he went in. i think the cats scuffled. his collar came off. not sure if that was during the scuffle or while the lady was trying to get the information. she called and i went over after 8 pm to collect a scared Covid Cat.  

later i thought about the fact i'd gone to complete strangers house to collect my cat from an upstairs bedroom...it could have ended in murder. luckily, it was really just a cat collection and i guess i have a new friend. 

University Lake below. above was Cheney Lake.

back to the road towards Valdez

low bush fireweed

and cute puppies of course

will do more kitten time, reading and head to bed.  these dark days always make me want to sleep more

thankful for A. the short time i have left in this work. may be shorter if these negative incidents keep happening. B. the beauty of each and every season here. the days now are cold and foggy and i love it. the hoar frost is beautiful.  C. each kitten and litter for the peace and therapy they bring

fear prevents a full life

 

my little lost litter above. they all passed.  the mom cat did find a home, though. This last litter was also sad. you do things despite fear. This litter had only one survivor.  little Abbyloni. She is in a new home. Her mother was spayed and has just found a home a few days ago. no new litter yet. enjoying the break, i guess. Sometimes your heart will break, but it's always better to take risks than live in fear.

wanted to hit this second No Kings protest. it was between shifts, though. i made a sign so that i was ready. worked PICU the night before. woke before the alarm and headed out.  got downtown and realized i'd forgotten my sign. it had a drawing of Kermit the frog and said he was the leader of Aunt-tifa. these ice raids in big cities have been happening. each city has it's own reaction. Portland has dressed up in costumes, inflatables, and naked bike rides. they just let the crazy fly, and it was perfect. the right tries to make it like the left are terrorists, something to fear. instead, the crowds were interspersed with inflatable frogs. 

i wasn't wearing an inflatable, friends were though. i got downtown and had forgotten my sign. drove home and grabbed it, then returned downtown. we had a very good showing. in the States, over 8million protesters. we were joined by global protests as well.  Sunny joined me. his sign read, I donated my balls to congress. he wore a frog costume. i was concerned the dogs would freak with all the inflatables but he did great. it was easier just having one dog. 

Ivy was fine at home, i think. i also had to stop for a bull moose crossing the road on the way back. the first attempt there was this adorable elderly couple at a bus stop with their signs. it is inspiring. being with like-minded people. knowing you are not alone, not insane. this is happening in our nation. we do have a narcissist wanna be king in office. it gets worse each day. many scare tactics were attempted to keep folks away, but people still came out. you have to. fight while you can. concerns of retaliation and facial recognition tactics. my feeling is i can't easily hide my views, they are out there. I'd much rather stand up and fight however i reasonably can, than stay silent and allow the horrific things to escalate without a fight. 

i got an on call that night, but was quickly called in. overtime so that's nice. worked pcu as their resource nurse.

i'm out ill these past two nights.  i met up with friends who were staying at the Eklutna cabin overnight. i opted out of the sleepover but went up for the afternoon. they had lit a fire in the wood stove and we went to walk. i had noticed wood on top of the stove, left to dry, and i thought it wasn't a good idea but then i didn't speak up. should have. 

when we returned from the lake i opened the cabin door and was hit by a huge cloud of smoke. there was a fire inside. went in several times, once just to see where the fire was and assess it. then i returned a few more times with bowls of water to put out the fire.  i do have chronic lung issues and it wasn't until later that i realized i was impacted. today is better than yesterday. hit the inhalers a bit but increased coughing and sob while out walking. Dr Google said rest and fresh air for mild smoke inhalation. i stripped when i got home, washed clothes and took a shower to get the smoke out of me. everything was coated in smoke. needed eye drops for dry eyes at first as well. everyone else who went in seems totally fine.  they ran in and opened windows to let it air out. one also dragged the wet/burnt wood off the stove and outside.

sometimes you just do what needs to be done without really thinking about it. 

had my upside down flag out Saturday while i was at the No Kings protest. i do have family and friends that went in other parts of the country.  we were called terrorists before hand but the right switched over to calling us ridiculous after it was over 8 million people peacefully protesting. it didn't fit their narrative of horrific and scary antifa types.  they can't figure out that there is no organization antifa, it's just anti fascism. they are actually not the brightest.  they just believe what they are told and repeat thought ending cliche's. hard to fight the stupidity because they are easily moved to the next way of seeing what is happening. it's always changing and they do not have the insight or critical thinking skills to catch on.  lack of educaton, religious indoctrination.

i speak ill of religion, especially the one i was raised in. it's familiar. i won't leave it alone because it never left me alone. the judgement and negative assumptions have always followed me. you can't leave without that being the case.  i've given up trying to prove my goodness or value to the people who stay, they will never see it or believe it. 

i did watch the video from work i was late on, and what it really made me feel is that i am really just done with hearts. the only way out of hearts is to walk away from both ICU and CSU so i asked to have those removed and they said ok.  i thought i'd get more push back. i think they have suspected that i was ready to back off more and more. i'm in my semi-retirement years

i've been an ICU nurse for literally decades now. part of the identity i think. strange to leave that behind. they are getting more and more frugal at work and i suspect things will get worse before they get better because of all the crap in the nation. The government is shut down as the right is trying to prevent the pedophile documents from coming out. The insurance rates are expected to at least double for all of us.  the system is imploding. none of this is sustainable but the greed on the right is never-ending. this orange dick just sees the US money as his own personal. he just tore down the west wing of the people's house. without any permission. after the protest. the orange fool posted a meme of himself wearing a crown in a fighter jet dropping shit all over the protesters. that is a mature and regal president we have.

he's blown up several little boats off the South American coast. Basically murder.  he claims they are drug dealers, but no proof. some were probably just little fishing boats. they would have to refuel like 20 times to make it to the States. 

ice is basically his goons.  faces covered, little training. unfit for service. thugs. they are out of control.  looks like they were trying to invade New York. those New Yorkers aren't having it. 

fall is over and the snow is moving down the mountains. i haven't made it to Powerline to look for bull moose yet this year. i also didn't get to Seward. the tides weren't cooperating, and i wanted to hit an okay tide if i went. 

i made the calendar. the prices are up this year. all the prices are up. was tempted to stop making them. in the end, i found a deal so I could decrease the price and get free shipping. Got my cards done. that is all that is left of the connections in many cases. the annual calendar. I'm sure I'll stop that at some point.  not this year, i guess.

took the dogs to the new monster wash closer to my place. i like it. raised tubs with doors. easy to get dogs in and contain them.

bears will hopefully turn in soon. the temps are finally dropping into the 30'sF. there are frozen lakes in the higher elevations that people are starting to ice skate on. That has gotten more and more popular. wild ice. it is a pretty amazing experience. 

more gear does make more of these activities safer. always risk, but as i'm saying in this post. weigh the risks but live with less fear. bad things can happen at home so you may as well take some risks at times and overcome some fears. there is a rational way to live. not crazy risk but not living in fear. there were apparently nearly 1000 folks stuck on Everest. That is not on my list. beautiful views I'm sure, but not worth the risk and money in my mind for a very short time on the summit. too crowded. i'm not keen on heights. 

these are from trips around/hikes this June. many from a trek to Valdez

below is powerline pass, still some snow.

there was a forest fire off in the distance under the Matanuska Glacier. went there a few times this summer. 

i do have my usual places that i repeat. you never know what you will see out there.

my beautiful girl, Ivy Rose

overall, i feel calmer even though things are so much worse. odd, i guess. i do feel like i voted against this 3 times.  it's on them. they have to come to terms with the mistake they have made, giving this freak and his bumbling band of idiots power. they have harmed themselves the most, even if they can't see it yet. they were tricked and trolled, and one day, many of them will figure that out. the suicide rates are going to skyrocket, i think. 

the farmers and ranchers are starting to get a glimpse of it. next, all the folks on food assistance will be getting gutted. children. nice job Gop. he's sending billions to bail out a country in South America. he wants to support a right-leaning idiot like himself. expand his power in a way, maybe. maybe, just to have a place to escape to. there have always been rumors that Hitler didn't really die of suicide but instead took off to South America. who knows.

crazy, cruel leaders come and go. we have been fairly safe here for generations while hell raged on in other nations. now we will be taken down several notches. he's destroyed who we were in the global standing in a matter of months. it's scary how quickly a nation can be felled. the stupidity of my fellow citizens is depressing. 

here we are, though, at the top of the rickety roller coaster, getting ready to plunge into the abyss. who will save us if we don't fight to save ourselves

makes me more and more grateful i never had kids. what a sorry place to leave behind for the next generations. 

dogs, they just live and are not concerned with tomorrow. i try to live more like they do. 

there was flooding up north in some villages. a typhoon hit. the villagers were rescued, and groups have been returning to pick up the dogs that were left behind. just learned very few cats up north. too expensive to deal with cat litter and food. dogs can eat the salmon, and dry food. 

will there be another election? will there be any fairness in it?  the right is trying to gerrymander the hell out of everything because they can see they wouldn't win without cheating. at this point, it's about releasing the Epstein files. GOP now are protecting pedophiles. all they accuse the left of it turns out they truly are themselves. he's weaponizing the judicial branch against his enemies.  we will find out if any of the original checks and balances will hold through this storm of madness.  the coup of idiots. 

Covi Kitty's 3rd eyelids have been up the past several days.  i had to make various appointments, which i really hate doing. hate committing myself. this stretch i do have things to do. car in for oil change/tire change over, cats in, me in, annual training. at least less icu stuff though.

great lupine year this year. we will settle in to winter again here soon. peaceful

this is the cabin we nearly burned down the other night.

the birds flying south have left. we have our regulars that stick it out all winter. baldies, owls, magpies, crows, ravens, ducks, chickadees. how do those tiny birds do it. 

i'll probably crash early again. fresh air and rest have been helpful. my lungs felt tight yesterday. hit the inhalers more. just used today after the walk. the dogs were happy to get out. met up with friends.

will have to just enjoy photo's of flowers for a bit now. the years fly past in this life. far too fast to waste time in crazy belief systems that prevent you from really living fully.  i'm more and more convinced that organized religion is more bad than good. i guess it may prevent these horrible people from acting on their worst thoughts. more, it feels like atheists do good just because it's the right thing, not out of fear of some future life punishment.

better get off this computer and crash soon. it's after nine. i napped earlier. feel bad not working but also my coughing was getting worse with increased activity. better to take it easy i guess.

another fun summer in Alaska i think. how many more will i be able to enjoy?

grateful for A. critical thinking skills and being brave when bravery was needed. change is always exciting and scary but so worth it. B. the peaceful life i've lived before this orange nincompoop was gifted power by fools C. so many adventures and seeing beautiful places