most on the right aspire to be George Bailey in "it's a wonderful life" but they all vote for Potter.

 

i have often found that so odd. they just can't see it. 

these are all from this past Jan. we are currently still in the low temps. nearly a month straight at this point. so much ice art put out there this year. it's been great. Portage Lake is frozen. pondering going out there Tuesday. back to work early this stretch for the holiday. 

some seasons i'm just more whatever about it all. did the bulk of stuff early then just fizzled out. still need to look at the cards a bit. didn't get them all out. just seems like people do them less and less. 

some holiday seasons it can be depressing. maybe i'm just coming to peace with what holidays are and what they aren't.  my overall expectations of others has decreased greatly. my reality checks have been put in place and i find that has decreased holiday expectations.

this was my favorite ice heart. it was highlighted and back lit on the fat tire bike. their photo turned out amazing. 

tonight met friends for the solstice tree walk/ski. always a fun event. i thought i was going to miss it but it got moved to this week due to high winds last week. getting a bit windy out there again.

this time of year can be depressing for many. as i said, this year and in general i am more just in a place of peace. letting more roll off of me. lowering expectations. seeing the reality. 

previously, i had higher expectations for family. in the end, they are who they are. when i look back, a loving bond between siblings wasn't always a daily event.  we had some fun times for sure on vacations or at the beach house. in the day to day. we hardly interacted with each other. my memories are mostly of my two brothers right above me. we often played together and explored together.  there was little parental oversight. my oldest tortured the third down who tortured the one a few more down, who tortured me. there was very little parents involved with this. i recall being told repeatedly, "he will grow out of it". i was usually the one who was in trouble for making the noise after being teased relentlessly.  can't really hold it against him, he was a kid like me. i suspect he also had tons of energy that wasn't directed anywhere else. that was most parents in our age range.  kids were seen and not heard.  we were left to our own until it got dark or a meal was served. we were often left in the hands of various church activities.

a quote i've heard lately and relate to, "I'm not mad, i'm done. that's what people don't understand. i'm not mad at anyone, i'm just done. done dealing with situations that rob me of my peace. i'm done dealing with people that don't love me as i love them, don't try as hard as i do, don't put in the effort that i put in. i'm just done.". so often i just kept putting in 80-95% of the effort and getting 0-20% back.  i'm more aware of who returns calls/texts. who reaches out. it just isn't sustainable for that person to always be me. it says a lot about a relationship with anyone if all the effort is you. 

i think back to who stands up for me, asks for my side in shit that happens, and that was eye opening. also covid, who supported and who actively fought against all i was up against. it just got impossible to ignore it all. "not everyone who stays away is difficult. some just refuse to sit at the same table with the person/s who broke them and now act like nothing happened. my absence isn't disrespect, it's self protection". 

depression. i have always battled it a bit. comes in waves. part of it just was this sense of not belonging. some of my earliest holiday memories were watching Rudolph the reindeer and relating to all on the land of misfit toys. i knew even then that where i was dropped was not where i belonged. Alaska, the place and the people have always felt like home, like where i belonged. it is a land of misfit toys in it's own way. we tend to be independent and quirky. we don't all fit into the box the lower 48 exists in. it's why so many of us can't easily return south. 

the religion just never worked for me either. it just never felt right and so many things i studied trying to make it work just sent me further away.

i have never felt suicidal but i have often felt like i wouldn't be missed. much like George i guess. i haven't saved a town like he did. for me, the difference i make is much more subtle. no movies will be made about me. my name won't be remembered. i suspect there are some out there who remember a kind act. they won't remember my name. that is true in nursing i think a lot. your kindness is remembered.

i would say those thoughts cross my mind very often. this started at about age 10. i'd often write my mom notes expressing that i didn't fit in, wasn't loved or wasn't loved as much as the other kids. my mom would just come in tell me she loved me and off she would go. that was mental health treatment in those days. i never tried to hurt myself. the closest i got was after it being pointed out for months how much weight i'd gained i heard a fellow student tell me that you could eat what ever you wanted then just puke or take laxatives. calories out. i hate puking but i did buy those laxatives. i never took them though. as a kid it occurred to me that shitting your pants at school may be far worse than being fat.

my last stretch of work went a bit better. was told though that i don't have the skills to drop ICU/CSU so that is ongoing. meanwhile i have been looking at retirement options. so much is up in the air as our nation is totally fucked at the moment. insurance is the real deal breaker to retirement.  can do aca but it jumps like crazy if you make over a certain amount. may be best to try and hold out a bit longer and see what happens. they had a guy call me from fidelity but in the end he wasn't seeming to be interested in helping me as much as trying to sell me on getting them to handle my money by paying them about what insurance would cost a month.

table it until after the holidays. have discussed at length. currently, i suspect most of these hospitals will be taking what they can in fear that the system crashes. it feels like it's not sustainable. not sure what will happen.  no hospital gifts this year. we are simply unfaced workers. i'm older so i make more money so i'm sure those in the big offices would rather get rid of folks like me for cheaper, less experienced workers.

really don't know what this year will bring for any of us. take it week by week at this time.

we had less snow last winter, more warmer days.  i've enjoyed this winter. i do like when the snow remains on the ground. 

dogs are good. cats are good. no kittens right now. i sent the last group back to the shelter and they all found homes. hopefully, they have good lives.

we are almost at solstice so happy solstice. the light will start to return.  with longer days comes some more adventure time. started to look at the tides. 

these are last winters ice hearts. we never got the stretch of cold we've gotten so far this year. there are loads of hearts/art out there now. my friend also  showed us we can make smaller ornament ice art so we decorated a tree. will probably do another one on Monday. looks pretty. just have to put string in there

i had gotten all the local prezzies ready but forgot to shut the door to the spare room before work. when i got back all the bags had been ripped to bits, everything scattered about. there were bags of dog treats for those with dogs. brightly colored for the holidays. ivy gave herself away when she pooped bright green poop the next day. thankfully, no dogs were injured.

watching the Taylor Swift series over Christmas themed stuff. that shows where i am this holiday.  

work was a bit slow but seems to be amping up. flu season has finally arrived. a bit late but influenza is all over the place. stay safe out there.

got some decorations up but again i didn't got too nuts. nothing on the front deck. that can vary year to year. one covid year i just bought a tiny tree to put on the counter. i just couldn't be bothered. 

the world just seems to send the message more clearly, there is no God. what God would let so many horrific things happen and not intervene. worse what God refuses to help so many while judging people for who they love or what foods they eat. it's just ridiculous. children can be molested over and over but this God will hold a cup of coffee against you. 

no one is to be believed.  we can only wait for the incredibly redacted epstein files. those with a brain know he's a twisted perv, but far more choose to just look the other way. their agenda and owning the libs more important than any corruption or molestation. it really makes it tough to just accept these people. this becomes who they are. this becomes a reflection on their values and morals, no matter how many church services they attend or how devout they claim to be. you support a racist, you support a con man, you support a pedophile, a rapist. you will never get that man's stench off of you. he is who you are. you have become him by continuing to support.

i wish I could find some forgiving attitude for these people, but at some point, it's just so obvious to anyone who even skims facts. 

love these crystal ice flowers. so beautiful

more snow this year, though, to be fair, i haven't driven this road for several weeks

always the frozen water

may have to skip the dog park again. the dogs love it and i love the people but they often stay in one spot and on cold days like this, i gotta move around. 

cleats worn again today. good since i did gasline/powerline back to thank. for sure some overflow. a bit soft. nothing i couldn't get through.

often, i just return to my same haunts over and over. 

double feeding. this was my first foster litter.

guess i better crash. have gotten a few things done. always more. 

grateful for A. options B. snow and ice art and all the fun of winter C. peace