life as a pain in the ass....

 i'm an acquired taste.  most don't bother to acquire that taste for me.  those who are mostly acquaintances, probably find me distasteful.  hell, my family seems to mostly find me distasteful.  a constant disappointment in my life.  that whole family first crap was really just that, crap.  i'm not really part of the family.  i left the church, i didn't get married....that makes me unfamily i guess. it is frustrating and only made more glaring by the current circumstances.

 the walrus lecture was supposed to be this week but like all else it is cancelled. i do hear that there may be cameras out on  Round Island this summer...or will that have changed with covid as well?  not sure. we had some snow over the past few days and then wind today.  so melt is happening.

 i'm pissing people off on facebook.  i apologize when i need to but for some, it's really not worth the bother at this point.  someone yells at me in all capital letters...seems more prudent to just delete them.  at this point if you are going to keep defending this fool, i got no words for you. unfollowed another because they post a lot of political posts and then just allow all sorts of stupid remarks...i can't fix stupid as they say so better to just not see the stupid posts with the stupid comments. that is my only hope for not responding.  when i see stupid i feel the need to respond to it. 

 i have enough aggravation and frustration in life. 

 i took a drive the other day down turnigan arm.  just needed to get out and see the beauty.  it must have helped some as today i actually got a few chores done around the house.

 dog chasing a moose at the dog park the other day.  we went there again today.  the other trails are just more crowded on the weekends.  the dogs don't care where we go as long as they get time on the trails and tennis ball time.  i just like breathing the fresh air. 

 if i got sick with this i think i'd rather stay home as long as possible just for the fresh air.  when i had influenza i was outside as much as i could stand.  i think that fresh air and movement is good for the lungs.  we stick sick people in hospital rooms with no fresh air at all.  that can't be helpful...so whatever you can do to avoid that has to be better.

 the death toll by the end of tonight will probably be around 10,000...that has been a pretty steep curve up.  all those folks dying alone, it's sad. many healthcare workers getting ill. the negative pressure unit that i worked covid rule outs in turns out to not be a full negative pressure unit at all.  lucky for us we had no positive cases at the time.  at least we get the "bugs" worked out before we get a lot of positives.  the report is saying there are more that are positive in Alaska hospitals.  not sure where. haven't really looked today, our count is around 200.  so still not too high.  it seems to increase by 5-15 each day so at least so far it hasn't sky rocketed up.

 other places the staff was just exposed and got sick.  it's been a mourning i think as one reported in some ways.  we have felt a loss of trust in our governments ability to help us and in our hospitals ability to protect us. 

 another outdoor adventure with Covi Cat.  he's not too far out or walking on leash yet, but did seem more comfortable today. he was showing interest in checking out back yard.  he is quite confident, my little kitten.

 Miss Breezy is still a bit cranky over the newbie in the house.  i call her cranky cat at times. this picture cracked me up

 this guy is all chill.  he does like the laser light so he and Tusker have to share that.

 masks that we have learned for decades are single use are now being requested to be used multiple times for multiple days.  we all know it's not safe but i feel like they are trying to put lipstick on the pig instead of just telling us the truth, we are sorry we don't have enough masks to be safe so this is how we want you to use them to be as safe as you can.  the mask rules have changed repeatedly over the past several weeks.  we do not trust leadership at this time. 

 we were told to not wear masks unless we were doing actual isolation.  of course, i have a chronic cough so i have worn a mask this whole time.  others weren't but now they are saying they should all be wearing masks.

 now the idiot has announced that the cdc recommends that all wear masks when outside their homes ...of course, he then said, it's just a suggestion and he wasn't going to do it.....such great leadership in a crisis...not!!  there are a few Governors and Mayors who have stepped up and filled the void as much as someone who is not actually the potus can.  sadly, we can't trust him, he is incapable of empathy...as he spoke about the models of death created by the science he mentions his propensity towards models of a different sort.  such a freak.  people are dying right and left and it took until today for him to even say anything remotely kind about the loss...mostly he's interested in his ratings and how many likes he gets for his tweets. 

 so this is where we are.  people are dying and we have an egomaniac with the most fragile ego.  he is petty and vindictive.  still going after those who he sees as enemies for the impeachment even as people are dying all around.  he fired another who protected the whistle blower and followed protocol.  they also fired the captain of the ship that was full of covid and the captain had tried unsuccessfully to get assistance. 

 so here i am.  pissing off people.  minimal family connections really. i have to beg them to actually respond.  i mean that literally.  after zero response to texts from one brother since mid February i sent a text today introducing myself.  finally a few hours later he did respond.  that just isn't right.  another brother didn't respond to texts over several years...and they wonder why i pull away further and further and why i am not enthusiastic to rush off to family vacations with them.  it just seems to me that family and relationships should involve more than barely communicating for months and/or years and then going on a major vacation together.  i guess to them this is a good relationship?? 

 for me it's just been depressing. 

 then i drive people away with my lack of charm and personality.  thank goodness for the dogs and cats....they aren't aware of my lack of social skills. 

 thankfully, there are some humans that tolerate me.  i think there are even some that like me. 

 it is a bummer not walking with friends right now.  i do miss that.  most of them work peds and are therefore clean, i can't for sure guarantee that i'm not a silent carrier of this thing at any given time.  seems wiser to just stay away.  will those friendships still be there when this is all over?  will habits have changed.  will they have figured out that i have no social skills and decide to hang with people who are more easy to deal with.  who aren't so opinionated and so vocal about those opinions?

 i guess that is the risk of all this alone time.  i hope that at some point i am back to some normalcy in my simple life.  it may not look like much, my life, but i do enjoy the simplicity of it.  i enjoy the people who actually like me for who i am and actually want to hang with me. 

 i really wish i was better at walking away from family, i wish that i didn't still yearn to have a connection with those who can't be bothered to have a connection with me.  i wish the disconnect didn't hurt, but it does and i am powerless really.  i do feel i have  put in a lot of effort over the years...when do you stop putting in effort?  do you ever?  i have a lot of great memories tied into our time together as kids.  some of it was misery but overall, we were always together so that just makes it even more painful.

 when your family treats you as an after thought it really can screw with your self esteem.  i mean, how can i imagine anyone else seriously liking me for me, when my family doesn't seem to value me.

 i have a job, so far. i have a home, i have overall health, i have food and all the basics so life is basically good.

 heard part of the Queen of England's speech this morning...wouldn't that be nice to have from someone in our nation.  this idiot is incapable of anything close to empathy or sympathy.  she's lived a long life and has seen many things.  what a strange position to have been born into really. 

 their Prime Minister was taken ill with covid 10 days ago. not improving as he should be so was placed in hospital last night i guess. it seems like when folks get sick they are sick with fevers for days and days.  they can then succumb to pneumonia and then ards.  seems like that comes on fairly quickly after several days.  Cuoma from CNN is still recovering. he's broadcast through it from his basement but it does sound like it's been pretty brutal. 

 Louisiana is headed toward a dark place.  their numbers have been climbing.  there are some real hot spots for covid...i suspect those will move from place to place, hopefully, decreasing in severity at some point as folks get why they need to do the social distancing.  the south and any trump leaning area may get hits just because many still believe it's a plot or conspiracy and haven't taken things seriously. 

 Bristal Bay is concerned as fishing season approaches. if they get hit with covid, they will be overwhelmed almost immediately.  Ravn Air has suspended most flights to remote locations...this also means mail will be delayed and/or not delivered.

 the Patriots used their team plane to fly in supplies for Boston from China.  there are many positive things out there.  in New York the noise ramps up at shift change to support the nurses and other staff at the local hospitals. 

 this is all i'm doing as far as mask for outdoors.  i only put it up when i am near other people.  of course, i'll use one next time i'm in grocery.  that and work are the only places i go now.

 i did drop off those cookies for my favorite work mates in ICU and ER!!  Speedy took some in to Peds/Picu i think. 

 they were well received.

 put the dog crate away so the cat no longer has that as an escape.  he does have a few well placed scratching posts. i did buy a few cat shelves but haven't figured out where i'll stick those yet.

 he is gonna be a big kitty i think.  lots of personality.

 i did take a drive through the Alaska Wildlife conservation Center.  i put the mask up again anytime i was near anyone, but i was able to avoid the other humans.  all three grizzly's are awake, i only saw one black bear. 

 super cute cookies made by a NICU nurse.  i think she had fun making them.

 the cats are overall getting closer.  haven't seen the kitten snuggled up directly with the other animals...give it time i guess.

 an evangelical prayer meet up week in France appears to have caused a huge spread of covid. there are some evangelicals who are insisting on meeting up in the states.  it may prove to be a disaster for those states.  mardi gras and spring break were probably break points in those states. 

 the NRA will be thrilled as gun sales are up.  nothing like a pandemic to  make folks want to be prepared to kill each other.

 ice floes out in Turnigan Arm. the tide was starting to roll in during my drive out and was in on the way back.

 always love the ice floes sitting out there on the mud flats.

 loved trump blaming Obama, yet again, for depleted national stockpile...hasn't he been in office nearly 4 years now?  can he accept blame for anything? has he ever taken responsibility for anything in his life? it's pathetic. Bush took the pandemic seriously so did Obama...who didn't...Trump. 

 covi kitten is chasing Miss Breezy's tail.  though it did seem like she was egging him on...he did end up getting a batted skull.  not too brutal but she gave it to him.  lesson learned...not likely.  i think he will win her over eventually.

 actually seems odd to bring everyone "home" from other places. i mean if they are safe where they are it seems they should stay there and shelter in place. isn't one of the reasons we are in this mess that so many travel all over and don't really stop before heading right back into life.  so fly more people all over.  they apparently flew all peace corp folks home.  many were probably just fine where they were, but i guess i get they don't want to be responsible for them in a pandemic.  just odd i guess.

 well, i have been catching up on some reading while i write.  cats have come and gone.  dogs have come and gone.

 time to fill up the water bottle and head to bed to watch a movie or something on netflix. 

 Covi Cat with a Covid ball...not really but it does kind of look like it.

 take care, wash your hands, don't touch your face.  thank you for tolerating me if you are.  thank you for checking in from time to time if you have as well.

grateful for: A.  every day that i am healthy  B. clear skies and fresh air.  C.  friends and family who accept me for who i am.  who put up with me and who are happy to be a part of my life.