the thinking was wrong...

 it's not about growth and education, it's about acceptance.  accepting what you cannot know or change.

 there are no experts at this time and we see through any attempts to pretend a knowledge that doesn't exist.  we do not trust the education, especially when we see it changing constantly.   so growth and education are pointless.  you need the fear..

 fear is primal.  fear is survival.  we need the fear to get through this.  you can educate people to wear masks, even the incorrect way that you now tell us is correct, but you won't get people to abide by any of it unless we have fear.  i realize that the training at this point is more to make the best of the worst situation...use the fear, use the anxiety. we are very likely to still risk getting exposed, no matter how careful we are.  hospitals are hot zones.  this virus does seem to have a bit of a longer life expectancy than we would usually see. it lingers.  in many ways administration and office folks are possibly more at risk.  they are the more likely to not wear masks as they wander around their offices and meetings feeling a bit safer because they aren't looking right at patients who are positive....but that lack of fear in those settings may make them far more vulnerable. it's been folks in offices who have made attempts at hugs....not bedside nurses.  that is a difference in comfort and fear i think.

 those without fear in society for whatever reason will not do the social distancing or wear masks.  they may not believe the education they hear so they will not abide because they do not have fear.  that is a political issue at this time.  many are following the mixed messaging of their cult like leader so they do not believe the education and do not have fear.

 none of us know what we need about this virus.  we can't know.  it's an unknown.  ultimately, we have to have some acceptance of what we don't know and utilize our fear and instincts to get us through, using the education we already have in us.

 we were trained to be soldiers.  we were trained with guns and ammo and bullet proof vests and now....

 now we are being handed pocket knives and told to go forth and conquer. now i'm not saying all the folks in the offices are cold and uncaring.  i have seen them working more hours than ever trying to find answers to an impossible problem. i know they, in general, have good intentions.  they do not want us to be injured and they are trying to help us utilize our pocket knives the best we can. they have their own fears and anxieties about this.  how will they feel if those of us at the bedside start to become ill...they will feel terribly overall.  some may blame us of course, but i think most will feel terrible.  they know we don't have enough to combat this...and they know there isn't much they can do about that. the ppe, in the numbers needed, do not exist. i do see loads of ppe on folks at grocery stores so people are getting it somewhere.

 we know this is not sufficient.  we have educated ourselves enough to know that many in healthcare across the globe are not able to survive with just the pocket knives.  we are educated as much as we can be.  we were trained...we just know that we can't have faith in a false narrative and those who are trying to make us believe knowledge that doesn't exist only will make our fear worse. best to just be honest and help us embrace our fear and anxieties for use to protect ourselves the best we can.

 we all need the fear.  the fear will make us meticulous about hand washing and social distancing. not just in the hospital  but in the society.  now is not the time for growth really.  that will come in it's own time.  now is the time for a controlled fear and acceptance of the enemy we face. it's not that this one graphic that has been passed around by many, is terrible. it's not.  at base it's a tool.  sadly, the tool that has been shared puts fear and anxiety into the worst category of tp hoarders and the like.  there are varying degrees of fear and anxiety.  also, if our pocket knives fail....and we get sick and the bedside staff is at home ill...it is the administration that will have to move in and become bedside staff again. they know the risks, they have their own fears.

 we will walk forth and try our best with our fear to protect ourselves with our pocket knives but we know it's not sufficient so please stop trying to allay our fear with platitudes. we need the fear, especially given the lack of armor.

 yesterday was a better day.  today i return to work.

 the cats are getting closer and closer more often but still have moments of hissing from Miss Breezy.  Sir Covi Kitty seems oblivious to it.

 these are from the other day out at the Alaska Wildlife Conservation Center.  the bears are awake, at least the brown bears.

 i haven't seen the black bear in the tree near here.  that can mean the bear is still asleep or that it has already left.  the temperatures are still low and it is still fairly early in April.  either could be true.

 they had given these bears some kibble. if they get up and wander they don't get any food, if they stay up they do.  so the fact that they are given food means they have been awake for a bit.

 i ended up doing a bit of a slippery walk up gasline/powerline/tank yesterday.  i sat on my butt and slid down the steeper hills.

 my ice bugs with cleats caused me to have breakdown on my heel.  so i wore xtra tuffs.  those do not have grip.  no falls, no broken limbs...dang it.  i can't even prick my finger, we had to in college and i always had to get someone else to do it.  so clearly i am not capable of inflicting pain on myself.

 there were eagles at the nest.  well, actually as i arrived there weren't any eagles.  before i got my camera out an adult flew in carrying nesting materials.  dang, i'd love that shot!!

 soon after an immature eagle flew in as well.  it later circled a bit and then flew off.  as i slid down the hill the mature eagle flew over me.

 it was strange as i have only seen two mature eagles there.  so not sure what the story is on the immature one.

 so work again tonight.  not excited and i'd still take an on call if it's offered.  i don't feel today the uncontrolled fear of weeks past.  it feels more like a more accepting stage of fear.  still anxiety is with me.

 i do hope to continue to harness that fear and anxiety as a tool to keep myself as safe as possible through this pandemic.

 nothing wrong with education but i'd rather get my education from those who are actually at the bedside across the globe.  we are all comrades. we are all learning what we can...why because we are fearful and anxious which drives us to learn as much as we can. 

 i was never good at faith, i'm better at reality.  i need information.

 i think i'm wise enough to know i need fear too.

 not sure i will always be able to control the fear and anxiety.  time and experience has proven that i can't always.  my history though tells me that when i am faced with things directly, i act and the fear and anxiety is kept at a controlled place until my body and brain know i am in a safer place.

 working in medicine there is always a bit of fear and anxiety. i often tell people that if you have no fear and anxiety at our job you probably shouldn't be there.  these are lives of actual humans that are in our care.  the choices we make can be the difference between them dying or living.  that should be scary.

 so we are all scared at times, it's always been and always will be how we handle the fear in the moment.

 this was the beach the other day.

 folks who come into nursing with zero fear always scared me the most.  they didn't concern themselves with what they didn't know.  didn't even know what they didn't know.

 i'm sure there is a place for that as well though.  folks who have zero fear are often the ones who jump into dangerous situations and do not return.  i suppose the true hero is the one who does that knowing the danger and pushing fears down in order to save others.

 many will not be saved in this however.

 lives are being lost at an astounding rate actually.  i live in hope that it just never gets to that level here. that we gain enough knowledge through the experience of those who have been forced to go forth with their pocket knives and survived to find a safer passage.

 my heart breaks for those comrades who will be lost in this battle, who will have gone into the battle with only pocket knives because those in the offices and government did not prepare.  did not heed warnings, did not listen to those who did have experience and knowledge. the same who now try to pretend they have knowledge...we know they don't.  we know they can't. we know they are lying.

 nice to be on the beach, totally empty. not sure where we will walk today.  i may see if i can get to Campbell Airstrip before it gets packed.  afternoons are more crowded...clearly all of us in lock down are sleeping in. i should be getting out early to take advantage of that...but alas, i am a night shifter and sleeping in is my life.

 so...in general i am still anxious and we shall see what i report after returning to work for this stretch.

 we do not know how protected those who have become sickened were.  we do not know what their mental state as.  we do not know where they were working when they became sick. in some ways it may be worse to be on the outside. for weeks staff was not allowed to wear masks unless they were in direct contact with those who were being ruled out or positive...considering what we do know is that you do not have to be symptomatic to pass this along that is pretty stupid and no doubt put many staff at risk.  now everyone is wearing masks.  i was always wearing a mask except to eat or drink liquids because of my chronic cough.

 so i say, harness your fear and anxiety to better protect yourself.  always try to educate yourself on the knowledge that is coming out with this as it does.  listen to those who are in the thick of it now.

 try to stay strong knowing that for those who come out on the other end there will be growth.

 do not expect more from yourself than you are capable of.  if you are feeling anxious do not tear yourself down over it.  accept it, find your way through it and know that you are not alone with it.

 when you are told to face this virus with just your pocket knives, knowing it may not be sufficient.  join with your fellow comrades and charge forth as best you can.  it is our time to serve...it is the best of times...the worst of times. isn't that what they say?

 we will emerge stronger if we survive.  stay safe, wash your hands often, clean your areas, do not touch your face.  do not rush without putting on the limited protective gear we have.  there is no emergency in a pandemic.  protect the warrier first and then the patient. i know that is counter to all we do every day and have done for years but the world needs us healthy and if that means you take the time to gear up as much as possible, then so be it.

 if someone is dying with this, they are probably going to die no matter what you do and there is no glory in going down with them.  well, folks may glorify you, but the truth is we'd all rather be alive than dead heroes.

thankful for: A. the best comrades a nurse could ask for B. the pocket knives...at least we still have those for now C. fear and anxiety- all emotions are valid and can be used to our advantage.  do not feel shame for feeling afraid.