Do No Harm...

 

but harm was done....that is what is on my mind this week. no doubt part of the stages of grief. 

the dog i took to the clinics was stable. he was obviously not okay but his labs and vitals were stable. he didn't have peritonitis until after the surgery.  this leaves me wondering if a different person had done surgery would the outcome be different. if i'd pushed for the soft tissue specialist or for my regular vet.  could Tusker have held out a few more days?  those are always the answers i'll never have and will haunt me. i authorized it.  you have to put faith in people you never meet and do not have a chance to check out sufficiently in these situations

veterinarian medicine has been changing. below is probably Tuskers last bald eagle chasing from a late season trek down to Homer this past year 

always nice to be down there in the off season.  

it's been sad to witness some of the changes.  i think i first noticed it with Rio Catalina.  when you decide it's time to put your dog to sleep, to let them go, you do not want to be told there are no appointments for a week or more. that is what happened in that case. it added stress to an already stressful situation. 

VCA clinics were just getting started back when i worked animals. we all were already skeptical of them.  the increased cost and decreased personalized care.  before this nearly all vets were single practice clinics.  they appreciated a loyal clientele and took care of them.  if that meant squeezing in an appointment or staying late for emergency surgery or a euthanasia, well then that is what happened.  

more and more clinics are part of larger corporations now so they have become less personalized. it's becoming more about how much money the individual vet can bring in.  costs have exploded. 

i do get some aspects of it.  Veterinarians work long hours and often give up their lives to a great extent for their practice. many are now liking having the option of shift work and more time for quality lives.  i do appreciate that, however, it does mean that loyalty and personalized care is getting lost.

if Tuskers case was human, lawsuits may be filed.  the surgery is what caused his eventual death. he did not have peritonitis when i took him to that clinic, he had a survivable bowel obstruction.  in the do no harm world, they did harm.  sure the were more than happy to take him back to surgery over and over at extreme cost to me but at what cost to the dog.  sadly, money is taking precedence over care. 

they are so focused on the money aspect of it.  it's actually gross. my regular day practice vet these days did not make a dime off of this entire mess of surgery...and yet, he is the one who called me and spoke to me about it all. he's the one who wrote me a personal note to help me know that in that moment i had made the right choice for Tusker.  that when they get peritonitis they generally do poorly and are put through so much it's cruel. 

i got no sympathy card from either clinic that got my money and ultimately did not help my Tusker as much as hoped. they were incapable of giving me any concrete help making my decision.  perhaps they think i'm terrible because i didn't just go for another surgery and possibly more.  the thinking is if you really love your dog you will do anything.  my thinking is if you really love your dog or the humans in your life, for that matter, you will do the kind thing. you will not put them through more and more painful procedures in hopes for a different outcome.  Tusker would have died in my arms in a matter of hours. perhaps they could have offered antibiotics and see if that cleared up things but that meant risking him dying alone in a cage.  the odds just didn't see worth it. 

it does make me appreciate the James Herriot's of old. the vets that are still holding out against the corporation take over.  that are still willing to put their heart and soul into their loyal clients and their beloved pets. who are still willing to be honest over attempting to extort more money out of you on surgeries that have little hope of success and much reality of pain and suffering. 

i am angry that this happened.  it shouldn't have happened. it was a tragedy. it was unfair.  my sweet puppy had harm done and it was the cause of his death ultimately. 

it is easier to put the blame on the guy who did the surgery.  yes, of course.  like i said though.  my dog did not have peritonitis until after he had surgery.  another surgeon and the result may have been very different. 

i move forward slowly of course.  it's all you can do.  you can't fix it and i am not one to take this situation to some sort of court.  shit does happen, no matter how careful a surgeon is. it's just very painful that it had to happen with this dog, my sweet Tusker. 

it would have been nice if i'd gotten a call or letter of sympathy from those who took my money, damaged my dog and just moved on, while i was left wrecked. 

was laughing today thinking of Ivy. she probably thinks she's been punked.  she's dealing with this little puppy that keeps grabbing at her back and tail.  dogs move on much more rapidly than humans.  she does seem to enjoy having little Sunny Boy here to play with. 

i'm not sure i could work Emergency Animal clinics as i once did.  it's becoming sad what it's becoming.  so much like the human medicine.  torture chambers of those who show no ability to put their loved ones before their own pain of loss.  it's been horrible to have lost Tusker but i can feel comfort in the fact that i didn't bite on the guilt trip that was attempted to get me to lay out more cash and put my sweet pup through hell with no certain future. 

not looking forward to the next stretch of work.  the covid numbers are no doubt kicking up in the hospital...i know the covid + numbers are going up...what will this next, and hopefully final, major covid surge bring to us all. my hope is this is the biggest surge but that that it's not as deadly and we can start to see a path forward and out of this hell. drove by a major testing center and the cars were lined up like crazy. i know several who have tested + these last few weeks. 

hard to leave as well because you start to make headway with the puppy and training and the days i work are for sure a step backwards. 

he hasn't pooped inside this week but continues to pee on the pads...so far just the pads this week though.  i do dog door training.  just putting treats inside the dog door and letting the flaps touch his head as he reaches in to grab the treat. taking more time than i expected.  i still think he'll just go for it on the day he wants to be inside or outside. 

got the fur mailed out to get a hat made.  got tags made. Sunny had his first vet appointment and has his neuter scheduled so that is good. after that i'll make a run to the shelter.  will have to let them know Tusker has passed and add on Sunny. all the things one must do when you lose a dog and all the things one must do when you gain a dog.  all at once.  

Sunny remains a very good distraction though.  i regret little moments at times, as anyone does after getting a new puppy...or probably even having a kid. there are just those times when you wonder what the hell you have done to yourself.  overall, the positive far outweighs the negative.

my friends have been very patient and wonderful with this loss and it is greatly appreciated. 

many in my family really have never gotten attached to an animal so that is foreign to them...i am foreign to them really.  i am and always will be the misfit.  i'm doing much better at ignoring those who just aren't capable of much as far as any real relationship.  for so many i am more obligation than family...so i am learning to just view them the same.  just an obligation in my life. not people i should count on or hope to lean on. that always comes with some sadness as you give up hope on what you hoped would be...but it also comes with a sense of freedom and relief. expectations are soul crushing.

so i wade through the stages of grief and also revel in the little successes of the puppy.  all this while dealing with a pandemic that is hopefully going to alter into something more of an endemic. 

it was relaxing to be in Homer without all the tourists.  we will return soon and start some new memories.

i have the tile guy stopping over this afternoon and i should probably get these pups walked. 

the temperatures are much warmer which feels great.  the snow is falling down. 

i have more rocks to paint as well. 

and of course, the never ending to do list that doesn't care that your dog passed or that you have a new puppy or that there is a pandemic.

empty beaches and solitude. 

i'd make a run again but the road the other day was glare ice...i'll wait for safer travels

the memories are many of Tuskers way too short time here. at least we have those. most dogs do not get to have the adventures my dogs have even in long life times.

i'll never be happy with how this happened, but i will come to a place where i am better at accepting his loss and where i remember all the wonderful things and can put those last few days behind.

puppies play hard and sleep hard. 

i better get him a bit worn out before i head back to work. we might just hit the bog.

the battery died on the element again.  that cold weather....brutal.  i bought a charger so i may try to charge it for a few hours and see if that will make it start. don't want to call AAA every time.  

the sun always rises. the snow falls, the rain comes down....and eventually a rainbow will light up the sky or the northern lights. my loss to some may seem trivial but each loss is personal to us and meaningful to us. 

we all cope with the losses in our lives our own way. that much i know from being a nurse. 

i recall a preacher who kept trying to pick a screaming woman off the floor and drag her out of the room after the loss of her toddler. i knew this is what she needed to do as gut wrenching as it was for us to witness.  that raw emotion of the most egregious loss.  i had to pull the preacher away from the situation and tell him he was wrong, that this is what this woman needed. 

sadness, at times overwhelming, will still come in waves i know as i find ways to deal with this no doubt unnecessary loss. 

each day, i will wake up and try to move forward in life.  i will try to remember the positive and let go of the negative. i will try to smile and laugh and make the world normal for Ivy and for the new puppy. 

thankfully, i do have many coping mechanisms that will get me through. 

some days even those don't feel like they are enough.  today, i didn't want to get out of bed.  i still am not excited to get out walking, but Ivy coupled with an energetic puppy will motivate me. 

i'll just hit the bog i think.  yesterday i did give him some off leash walking time.  it was a back trail, just bikers.  he did good.  working on the "here puppies" off leash recall. come is reserved as an absolute. 

still doing puppy push ups and starting to introduce the word leave it....mostly dealing with the cats.

better get myself moving.  the tile guy will be here before i know it and so will work. boo.  dang work, keeps interfering with my lazy time

thankful for: A. the animals that share my heart and life with me.  B. chocolate C. late night emotional retail therapy.