driving and talking to my uterus.....

 

i think my relationship with my uterus has always been a bit toxic. i had no idea the thing existed before i was 10 or 11. at that point i was given a few pamphlets at school about going through the change and becoming a woman.  i mean who comes up with this crap.  also, i hope we have gotten past saying that getting a period means you have become a woman...this just makes it easier for child predators to justify horrific behavior and for evangelical types to say they can make a baby so they can raise a baby. 

they can't do most other things.  they can't, according to the same evangelicals, determine which books to read or comprehend birth control, sex education or abortion. 

though these pamphlets were filled with drawings of flowers and happy talk...i knew as i read them, hiding in my closet (because i somehow determined that i was doing something wrong getting educated about my body, my parents never spoke to me pre period about any of this)...i knew this was not a great thing. getting a period...you can try to play it up all you want but it's not great

clearly i did mention this stuff to my mom after i got my period. mostly in the form of cursing a god that would do this to all females. what sort of god would create monthly pain and grossness. i was not impressed with this new uterus i'd discovered. my mom was not impressed with me cursing god every month. 

my periods came with headaches, acne and canker sores as well as cramps and all the usual joys.  was thrilled to get on birth control to contain the uterus's antics. 

i suppose on my uterus's side, i never allowed her to fulfil her role.  no children.  she just went through the motions and never got to hold a child.  it  just wasn't in the cards.  i never met the right guy and i had no desire to be a single mom on purpose. 

so while in Homer i was a bit surprised to find that my uterus may be trying to abandon ship.  i mean i am now 59, can you blame the girl. depressed and unfulfilled as she must be.  i was explaining to her that any exit she took would not end well for her. i guess a little prolapse is not unusual at a certain age. so not only am i out of shape on the outside, i must be a bit out of shape on the inside as well.  more kegels i guess. quite the ending to my birthday weekend.

birthdays...well, they are hit and miss in my life. mostly a strange combination of desire for some attention and anxiety over the attention. i'm not at all used to attention and though i think we all kind of like attention, we are not all that great at dealing with it.  social anxiety peaks at these awkward times for me personally. 

this weekend's original plans kind of got altered, so it was going to be mostly the dogs and i hanging in Homer.  i love Homer and the dogs so that is not an issue really.  it's just that it's so awkward anytime it's your birthday.  people feel obligated to do things and i feel like i can't really act normal.  i mean if i call people and it's my birthday am i obligating them to join in some celebration.  i mostly just try to play it off like it's not really any sort of day because...really it isn't.  

being from a large family, we did the minimal. i really can't blame my parents looking back. when you invite a bunch of kids over for parties, you are then obligated to allow your kids to join in those kids parties.  this is all gift giving and really costly in the big picture. i don't know how people afford all these parties and gifts. 

we chose what we wanted for our birthday meal and it was family and a few gifts.  

i think i had a few parties that i must have begged for and my mom relented.  mostly it's been friends who have come through for me as far as birthdays go.  still just a strange thing to learn to celebrate you or allow others to celebrate you on your birthday.  i'm sure for others it's no big deal or they love the attention and even scream bring it on. 

for me, i don't feel comfortable asking people to celebrate my being born i think.  i am also not sure what to do with the attention that does come

of course, now i also forget others who have birthdays...in general it all just becomes less of a deal in general as you get older i think. if it weren't for fb we'd all forget most peoples birthdays.  so just another social stress added on top of it all. obligations and social norms that become overwhelming.  lol.  can't really win.  i find the best way is to distract yourself with some fun activities to do and ride it out. try not to focus on the day being your birthday, try to be gracious to those who do remember it and forgiving of anyone who doesn't remember it. mostly, try to be happy and not weird. 

we do still have that kid in us though i think that hopes for a little something even if we aren't sure what that is or how to deal. 

so Homer, despite the rain, was a lovely weekend trip. hindered only by my uterus pondering her escape. 

there was rain and wind.  the tides were not too low.  one friend was there so i showed KR where to find the stars. i find the stars migrate from the spit mid summer sometime but early summer, even if the tide isn't too low they can be found there again.  

there was also an incredibly cool and delightful Birthday surprise on the beach that KR and i got to enjoy. not sure others would have noticed it, but i tend to note the smallest changes. so there were bubbles that were brightly colored in the sea foam.  i later heard from my retired marine bio professor that this is a sign of a healthy ocean/shore. 

he said it is the lipids and protein from the breakdown of phytoplanktons spring bloom.  the morning wind and choppy waters are what caused us to have that lovely beach color.  it was really pretty and a great birthday surprise.

the dogs had a great time just romping and getting in their beach time.  can never go wrong at a beach in my mind. they are tired today. i tossed the tennis ball for Ivy and she just lay there and watched it roll past....

i also spotted several moose on the drive back. a few with new babies. they are so cute.  such long legs. 

there was a new mom i was stalking in town as well. just one baby.  hard to get a good look at her.  perhaps later i'll look at the big camera and see if anything came out.

tried to stop at Deep Creek coming home but the wind was really going.  we stopped at Peterson Lake instead for a break.  the dogs were tired though so it didn't take much after 2 full days of beach romping. 

i have debated returning next weekend since there is a great low tide.  no rooms at the driftwood and looking at vrbo it's pretty spendy. may look at other options for those days off.

do have some garden stuff to do. who knows what i will do. it is a long drive, though a pretty one.  always different spots to stop and explore. 

ate with a friend and her family on my birthday.  low key.  didn't let her know it was my birthday. 

the cats were happy to have us all home...Covid Cat has been very needy and attentive. 

he's back in my lap again. he and Sunny Boy both need a good brushing.  he's covered in those seed pods from the cottonwood.

i really should get the day started.  the day after the long drive tends to be a lazy one. the dogs aren't too pushy to get out really. still need to find a pet sitter for July. i'll dig through my phone messages for a few options. 

the lupine will soon be popping out.  

not quite yet though.  

i did do a little retail birthday therapy. homer is good for that as well. don't always hit the shops or spend money but i gave myself the excuse to do it.  i bought like 4 bites of taffy. a little treat. haha. came home to a cupcake and card...so that was the extend of the birthday celebration.  

can't really believe i'm 59.  you get to this tipping point...how many years will i have left. it gets more dicey at some point.  i enjoy life on this planet.  i know my life is pretty simple but it's brought me a lot of joy over the years.  i do revel in the smallest details and beauties this place has to offer.  i enjoy all the seasonal changes and drama of Alaska especially.  

i may not have done any of those major things some others accomplish but each life has it's value and it's joys. we all deserve each moment that we are gifted here.  things like birthday celebrations shouldn't really be stressors. more just a mark of time passed and hopefully time to come. 

watched a program on human mermaids last night.  i'd laid down and covid opted to take a nap on me....so i watched while he napped.  mostly seemed like awkward people who found like minded people to be happy with.  that is all any of us want really.  just some people to chill with that bring us happiness and add to our lives. i may not dress up like a mermaid but i have found my share of other humans and canines to chill with.  we are all strange, awkward and unique in our ways. we do  not all fit in to the norms that tend to get established but we all deserve a place on this planet and a chance to find our own way.  joy, peace, laughter and love. 

hate really needs to be prevented from getting a foothold in our lives.  it wants to.  people try to ignore their own failings by directing their self hatred towards others.  mostly, those who push the box of strangeness because they don't fit the norms.  we can't all be normal or there would be no normal.  i always found normal to be dull and underrated. i don't have the guts to break out to mermaid status but i enjoy my own quirky weirdness and we should just enjoy others quirky weirdness instead of demanding they conform. 

so instead of celebrating birthdays we should just celebrate each day and each life we come in contact with and what they bring to us.  how we can enrich each other and make the world a better happier place.  this hate that we see all around now, it's exhausting.  aren't these people bored with hating on others yet? what will snap them out of it and bring them back from this dark place?  i have no idea.  

i hope it's not too long in coming and i hope that not many more quirky, beautiful souls will have to suffer the ultimate for their hate and anger. there is much beauty out there, if you just keep your eyes open....unless you are an old uterus.  then i guess you may have something to be pissed about.  

thankful for A. another year on this earth B, surviving the awkward most days C. the people who see me and my strangeness and still come back to chill with me and talk to me.